I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I think I can get to your replies later.

    Status

    I was clean for 1-2 days but mostly I keep FMOing. I don't know why keep doing it, nor why I don't even really try to stop myself. Here's some reasons why I think I keep doing this:
    • It doesn't seem to be substantially harmful, or at least it's not compared to internet porn (this might not be true, it's just how I feel)
    • Covid-19 pandemic is keeping me indoors, which probably doesn't help
    • Standard loneliness, which is why I fantasise about women in a close relationship with me
    • I exposed myself to cartoon boobs today, not quite nude, but nude enough for me. This might have triggered me
    • Anger and frustration that I'm not dealing with
    • I'm not really living real life, so no sense of security or accomplishment, giving me more a motivation to find it in fantasy
    • It's not solid in my mind that this keeps me addicted to internet porn, and so I don't use my will power to stop myself. (Boy, is it ever not solid in my mind.)
    • My mind is still degraded from internet porn and I don't have the willpower or self-determination to stop myself from doing this
    • I'm tired and depleted from fighting internet porn so much the last 1-2 years, although successfully
    I am not sure what the solution is. I think I will have to:
    • Finally get convinced that FMO is bad for me, probably because it prevents my mental recovery from internet porn, and also just for the sake of the unrealistic and immoral fantasies
    • Find some kind of replacement in real life, in employment or family or maybe some other responsibility
    • Maybe more time meditating, reading, reading the Bible, or healthy fantasising about getting out more and improving my life
    • Re-read the quote by C. S. Lewis and remind myself that these immoral fantasies are only leading me away from a righteous, fulfilled life
    • Maybe try going without the internet (except for TV) for a while
    End of post.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    You are doing great! But I definitely agree with this.
     
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  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your comment. I long to go outside to various places and have fun with people, whether it's out for dinner, or a sport, or a movie. I am keeping me eye out for when is the soonest I can go out like this, but for now a lot of my socialising is done by e-mail.

    Porn addiction and the novel coronavirus are some, but not all, of the things stopping me from doing these ordinary things.

    (Sometimes I wonder if I'm grounded, like a teenager, and can't go out with people for that reason. Am I unconsciously punishing myself? I certainly was punished enough when I was a teenager, maybe I'm subconsciously continuing it.)
    Maybe it helps to remind myself that all my own use has been fictional--the girl doesn't really like me, or even know me, and the nude pictures are shared with who knows how many thousands of men.

    Additionally, a few days ago I got more tempted to look up porn than usual and I even did some counterproductive activities. I looked up sexy pictures and even the name of a porn star, although I didn't see any nudity or even cleavage or thighs (areas of the body that turn me on).
    Yeah, another way of looking at porn is as an interest, a counter-productive and destructive one. Maybe I should think about developing some of my other interests.
    I'm currently using it as an excuse to e-mail people and wish them health, and see if I get better relationships from that.

    Thanks for your comment.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking I might need counselling and some spiritual/religious life changes in order to quit FMO. It seems to have its hooks into me deep than porn, and I was younger when I started, too. I think it's tied up with my loneliness and frustration in life.

    YBOP has a page on fantasies. I think it says that if you have a fantasy that's realistic and practical, like that maybe later that day you can have sex with your wife, then that'd be okay. But impractical or unrealistic sex fantasy is bad. And in another section YBOP says fantasy inspired by or containing porn is almost as bad as looking at some porn and masturbating to it.

    I am unsure what I should do. I have so many things blocking me in life that counselling is probably very seriously a good idea, and I wish I had practical support from people who have similar religious beliefs to me, and more support from my family. The counselling place is probably closed for the coronavirus now, but I plan to call them when they open.

    In the mean time I'm keeping up with meditation, and sometimes I exercise a little with Wii Sports. I also update my signature for each MO, but it'd be better if I had a counter for it. I can't stand making a calendar yet, so I'll live with this compromise for now.

    I'm at 180 days no porn! Excellent! I think I need to work on other problems in my life to fix the FMO problem.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2020
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Therapists need to earn money in these uncertain times as well. Many of them can do counselling over the phone. If you have a general feeling that you would benefit from counselling, maybe a little research won't hurt? Congrats on 180 days!
     
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  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Supporting this idea, I have kept up going to therapy during this time by doing it over a Skype-like platform that is specifically for therapists. It can be done, and it is indeed helpful.
     
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  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I've been clean from FMO for about 1 day, and clean from internet porn 184 days. I need to report that I'm being tempted to go around my filters and to look up porn lately, say over the last 5-7 days, at a guess. I keep having memories of my favourite or "go-to" porn sites and imagining that it was fun going there and looking at the porn (it wasn't). Hopefully I'll do neither of those things and remain clean.

    Life plan

    I am thinking that the best way to distract myself from temptations to porn is to work on my life plans. Okay, I just went over all my life plans so far and made a list of what has been accomplished, or at least what has been improved.
    • Free of internet porn for 184 days. Actually, I might not even be addicted to internet porn any more, per se.
    • Neighbours bothering me less, able to go out into society more
    • Have a houseplant
    • Have a pet
    • Reading books a little more
    • Made a little money, which has eased my money worries
    • Improved self-worth and self-esteem
    • On more medication
    • Worked a little on my spiritual journey
    • Less guilt and shame!
    • Working on relationships with family
    • I think I'm ogling/lusting over women less
    • Tried to attend an autism group
    A lot of those changes are small, but my confidence has grown quite a lot, actually. It looks like I've made progress on almost every goal that's not a very long term goal. It also looks like small changes that add up are my main reward for keeping away from porn and FMO.

    End section

    All that work on my life goals has tired me out. Maybe I'll make another post in a couple days. If I get cravings for porn I'll try alternate activities or coming here and reading here and posting here.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn, sex fantasy, or masturbation since my last post.

    I am feeling amorous, a feeling I haven't felt in a while. If I had a girlfriend/wife I'd be bugging her for physical affection and sex for a couple hours. This feeling of amorousness is much, much better than the feeling of wanting to have sexual fantasies or porn. I feel more optimistic and alive. I wonder if this is a positive outcome for trying to refrain from porn and sex fantasy masturbation.

    I'm still a little tired from writing out the list of things in my life that has improved. Improving your life is hard work! It's worth it, but it looks like I need to give myself breaks, too.

    Thanks for all the likes to my last post. I guess you guys are happy with me having slightly improved assorted areas of my life.

    For the future

    I'm going to continue to try to refrain from FMO and see what happens. I am not sure what to do with my sex drive, but I haven't known what to do with it since I was 14 and I first got a sex drive. I guess I can pray about it, and maybe just get out and have fun since I would be having a normal sex drive and I wouldn't feel like a pervert.
     
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It is:) Guiding your life in the direction you want it to go takes effort. Sometimes it seems like swimming against the stream, because it's just so much more easier to let go and drift in the opposite direction. But at other times, especially after you have kept up with it, it does become more easy. Sometimes it's just about staying on the right path. And yes, breaks are important. It is something we often overlook. Someone just want their lives to be so optimal that they completely forget about those. But besides that you can't keep up without breaks, aren't break an essential part of a good life as well?
     
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  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I no longer have that amorous feeling, but I don't have a porn or sexual fantasy craving either, so overall it's a win. I'm going to continue to refrain from sex fantasy and porn and see what happens.

    Meditation

    I'm hoping to keep up with meditation and playing Wii Sports. I've been setting my timer while meditating to 5 or 10 minutes, but I haven't really been meditating so much as staying quiet and calm for 10 minutes (or 5). Actually I think some of the time counts as meditation because I continuously try to put my mind back on not thinking, which is how I used to meditate. I'm rambling now, but anyway I'm gonna try to keep up on meditating, both in the morning and in the evening. I'll try to have more serious meditation in the morning, and in the evening it's okay if it's more like just relaxing for 5-10 minutes.

    For the future

    I think my effort to quit porn is going pretty well. I should work on other things in life like socialising. I could use a lot of improvements on that front. I'm gonna continue to relax on trying my life plan for a few days, but then I think I should get back on it, and work on the little details. I think I need to do this about twice as fast as I used to. I haven't gotten nearly as much accomplished as I could have over the past 1-2 years, although quitting porn (possibly) is pretty big. :)

    Take it easy, fellow rebooters. It's stressful times, but it can help to pause and meditate.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think I had something similar about a week or two ago to the feeling you described. It went away gradually for me as well. I'm not sure what caused it exactly.
     
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  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I have resisted the urge to FMO. I think the urge is worse from being supposed to be in my house all the time. I feel better, though. I feel pretty good after having stayed away from porn about 170 days and stayed away from MO several days. It's taking some energy out of me to resist FMO and I don't know how long I can go on like this. This seems to me like past reboots where I had to deal with sexual frustration as well as refraining from porn.

    You guys are right, by the way, I am doing pretty well. I'm doing well as far as quitting porn, thanks to you guys' help and to God, but I'm doing only slightly well at living life. I think the effects of porn addiction on my brain are only a small portion of what's ruining my life. I'm still a lot better because I feel a lot less guilty and shame, and I'm more confident, and more mentally balanced and at peace, but my life is not improving rapidly. I think it's from long term effects and damage from porn, but it's also just me and my character and ability to cope.

    My counter

    I am thinking of changing my counter for a time near the start of my current streak when I saw one item of nudity on the internet. I'm not sure it was nudity or if it was porn and I didn't expect there to be nudity on that site, but I feel bad that I'm not resetting my counter for it.

    Meditation

    I missed one day but mostly I have kept upon meditation. I'm also thinking I need two 15 minute "quiet time" breaks during the day, where I spend time doing nothing and trying not to think and staying away from screens.

    I think I need a little more discipline on meditation. It used to be easier for me. I wonder if medication I'm on now makes meditation harder, or at least different.

    Self-improvement books

    I haven't forgotten about counselling. But I have a lot of self-improvement books I want to read and practice, even No More Mr. Nice Guy!, Life Strategies by Dr. Phil, and maybe even 12 Rules for Life.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I've been clean from MO for about 9 days, from willfully looking at internet porn 193 days. I looked at one sexy picture recently, which was foolish, because it just tempted me to M and look at P. I think I'm willing to try to get out of that habit, the one of looking at sexy pictures on the internet.

    Staying clean from FMO is easier than I expected it to be, but also harder. I think praying for it helped. I wonder if I should pray for sex.

    No counselling yet. I feel better than usual mentally. I think I need to work on getting out of the house more.

    Take care, fellow rebooters.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I looked at a whole bunch of sexy pictures today, but I haven't looked at nudity or porn yet. I think it all started with two sexy pictures on Imgur today. I am not sure why I threw caution to the wind and looked at all those pictures because this is how I used to relapse when I was relapsing regularly. I guess I'm lonely and I miss my sex drive. I still have one, it's just much smaller than it was about 7 years ago when I wasn't on any psychiatric medication.

    On the plus side I both meditated and played Wii Sports today. The Wii Sports seems to have done me a lot of good as far as relaxing and having a clearer mind. I hope it might be helping rewire my brain, too. I found it challenging to play today, but I still put in at least 20-30 minutes into it (I think), which is good. I think the challenging part means that playing it might help me with rewiring.

    As for the loneliness I haven't done much to help with me meeting people IRL. Although I am talking to a couple more people on the internet, which is pleasing.

    It's been about 10 days without FMO and I can't believe I've been doing so well. I may be being divinely helped. I might go ahead and FM tonight, though, since I looked at all those pictures and I'm full of energy to do with it for now. Maybe I look at the pictures to get energy. (And maybe I have low energy when I'm not looking at porn because I'm a porn addict and only porn gets me going.)

    Take care rebooters.
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I haven't FMOed recently, and of course, still no porn. You guys are right, it seems, I am doing well. I meditated today. I guess I will be able to keep up on that habit.

    Marriage-like relationship

    I'm pretty lonely, and I should be having more sex. I guess that's something that I have to work on. I guess I should just hang around with more people, and that way I'll meet more women, and the possibility of a marriage like relationship will open up. Eh, I don't think that's going to happen, but I'll work on working it out.

    Going without porn

    I think going without porn was possible for me due to a lot of things working in combination. I made a list of it at an earlier page in my journal. But I think that moving into an apartment, filtering, and medication that reduces my sex drive were the main ones.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2020
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  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I've been clean from FMO for about 12 days.

    I had a dream that I was kissing a beautiful famous person. I think I've never had a dream like that before. I wonder if it's because I'm rewiring. I feel like it's a good sign. (I didn't have a nocturnal emission (wet dream).)

    I still want to reset my counter to the last time I unintentionally but carelessly viewed nudity on the WWW. I don't know if this is necessary, though.

    I think my face is clearing up due to no MOing. I think the raised testosterone is good for my skin.

    Life plan

    Overall, I feel pretty good. I think I just need to keep on doing what I'm doing and work on improving my life. I've been trying to get up earlier the last two days, without much success. I've been putting off meditating too long the past few days, too, and I haven't played Wii Sports in a day or two. I guess those are all things I can work on next. Learning school is going slowly, but okay.

    Counselling

    I think I'm unlikely to go to counselling anytime soon. I'm going to try reading all my self-help books and following the instructions first and see what happens. I just don't think I can afford counselling, and I don't think I can physically get out of the house to get there.
     
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  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I'm still clean from P, F and MO. It's not even really taking any effort. I don't know what's going on, is it God divinely helping me? Plus, I'm on medication that lessens my libido.

    Life plan

    I did a lot (for me anyway) of real life activities over the past few days, so I guess I worked on my life plan a little. I should work on it more, or try to work on it every day.

    Meditation

    At least I've been meditating a little, but not very well. I hardly spend any time with an empty mind, my mind is usually running in meditation, too.

    For the future

    Things are mostly going good, but I need to work on my life plan more and read my self-help books.
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Still no porn or masturbation since last. Well, I did a little masturbation, but it was only a few seconds worth and I didn't even get erect. I get the idea to masturbate a few times a day, or about that. I keep my sperm rag near my bed. Sometimes away from my bed, most of the time I keep it near my bed, like some adult blankie. It's weird, it's like I don't want to give up masturbating. It's kind of perverted.

    I don't know why I'm finding it easy not to masturbate. Maybe I'm high on an emotional charge from the adventure of trying to quit masturbating for the umpteenth time. Maybe it's just that I'll look less impressive to you guys if I jerk off after saying I was going to try and stop.

    Life plan

    This is where something significant has happened. Today I was thinking about my plans to lose weight and to have a more grown-up sleep schedule, going to bed earlier and waking up sooner. Then I realised that I was working on something, even over multiple days, and it was taking up my time and effort, but it wasn't on my life plan. I realised I was working hard but I wasn't working on my life plan.

    So now I'm trying to decide, what should I include in my life plan? Should I include losing weight and sleeping at more grown-up times? What should I include in my life plan? Where is it that the rubber meets the road, or where is at the coal face, in my life? I am thinking that most of the items on my life plan so far are too far from me to do.

    I remember in TheUnderdog's epic post about a life plan, he says you should be working on your life plan every day, and put all your energy into it. Well, I was putting energy into things, but it wasn't my life plan. So, now I need to reconsider everything and re-decide what goes on my life plan, which is hopefully A) what I really want to do, and B) reasonably possible.

    I hope you guys get what I'm saying here. I kind of had a small epiphany about working my life plan in the details of life that are actually relevant. So, I'm going to spend 1-2 days rethinking my life plan and try to decide what should be short term goals and what should be long term or medium term goals. I think I've made it way too complicated.

    I am also unsure of whether or not I should try for a girlfriend. There's a lot of reasons not to, like I don't have my life together that great and I could use a haircut and a shave. I have a crush on one women who doesn't want me, but mostly I think I'm just making myself not have a girlfriend to make myself more miserable. I should probably become open to romantic relationships that are fun and light-hearted and they don't have to lead to marriage or some other kind of forever partnership.

    For the future

    Watch this space for a new and improved life plan.

    Edited to add:

    I reset my counter to the last time I saw porn. It was only one picture, not even full frontal, and I didn't know that I was going to see it, but I feel better having reset my counter. Now I'm at 150 days again.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I've been P, F and MO clean for a week or two. I feel a little low energy, which I think is related to my no FPMO effort. I feel like I did when I was FMOing regularly. I don't know what to do to fix it. Maybe it'll get better on its own in the future.

    Life plan

    After realising I want to think about it again I wrote up my 7th life plan document. I think there's too many items to attempt all at once. I think I would just get stressed and miserable if I did that. I guess I should narrow it down to things I can do in Covid-19 times. Here's a list:
    • Consistently eat more vegetables, half my plate for lunch and supper
    • Message the girl in the building I like to see if she trusts me enough to talk to me every now and then
    • Also talk to my other neighbour who talks to me at least once or twice a month
    • Exercise in my apartment daily, or at least play Wii Sports
    • Listen to more classical music
    • Read more poetry and books
    • Get out in the back yard at least every 1-2 weeks
    • Sleep and wake up earlier
    • Learn and practice piano on my computer
    • Learn and practice math
    • Keep up on chores and cleaning myself
    • Practice cooking a little more
    • Listen to recovering from anxiety audio files I have
    • Read No More Mr. Nice Guy! and Real Happiness and my other self-help books
    • Meditate daily, up to twice daily
    • Pray and seek God regularly (Edit: Bible reading)
    • Organise and clean out my apartment
    • Organise and clean out computer data
    This list got several times longer than I expected it to. Now, I'm not going to do all of those things, but maybe I can do most of them if I make a schedule. I'll need to do a lot of rest at the end of the day, too, to help prevent P/FMO.

    For the future

    I'm going to try to make a schedule with a few items at first, and more items as it works out.

    I may allow MOs in the future to relieve the tension in my mind and body.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2020
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  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    What I always find helpful with those lists is to put them in order of priority and just choose 2 or 3 of them. Then the next week you can do the same. Just keep the list and even expand, but just choose 2 or 3 items every day or week to focus on.
     
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