I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    It's been five days to a week and a day since my last PMO

    I had recently read this post, where he says that days 5-9 he feels like a God. I felt like a God yesterday. I felt like I could start my own business and make ten or twenty million dollars in just ten years or so. (Maybe I could have if I was as good as I was that day.)

    But that feeling has passed as of yesterday. Also, looking up porn seemed extremely unlikely for me yesterday, but for the last day it's been tempting me. I've gotten really close. But I have been reading and posting here instead.

    I guess I still have to make a plan for quitting PMO and seeing if I'm serious. If you're reading this, don't worry about my depressed perspective in this post. I am not as discouraged as it sounds. I just want to know what to do about the problem in the post. Maybe I just need more Gary solutions.

    What I mean by that, is obeying more of the advice on Your Brain Rebalanced about positive replacement activities, such as eating a salad, meditating, eating right, exercising, social interactions, running. I may also need S.A.A..

    But probably what I really need are fun things to do outside, like learning a language or eating sweet food like chocolate bars outside. I need fun and optimistic things to do. I need optimism.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    relapse, and comic books

    I had a willful relapse a few days ago. I wish I had been keeping a counter so I could reset it. I ought to start counting from now on.

    Yesterday I got to read two of my comic books. I am not big in to comic books, but I really enjoyed myself. I had fun, just like I talked about in my last post.

    I have an idea. Comic books are a visual medium. Pornography is a largely visual medium, too. Could I use comic books to help replace pornography? I am sure of it.

    But my biggest question is: Is this actually neurological? I know that a large portion of the brain is devoted to visual processing. Can you help rebalance the chemicals in your brain, including dopamine, by getting visual replacements to porn, such as comic books, graphic novels, and theatrical movies?

    I think that maybe if I had been into comic books the entire time (and maybe anime and more movies), I might not have ended up getting in to pornography so much.
     
  3. SimplyMe

    SimplyMe New Member

    Re: My first unofficial rebooting attempt

    I read your journal.. and i want to help you. at least i will try.

    Well the main thing is really to realise you HAVE to STOP PMO completely!!!!
    I know you heard it but realise it . u
    nderstand it. and do it!!

    We have no othet choice man..

    If we give up and die no one cares! Not even someone will remember or tell oh he was a great guy. we have to fight and its a fight. this is a hard way but its the inly one

    my tipp is dont try to change a lot at once. set your priority on stopping pmo completely! Realise that pmo is an enemy...

    So stay strong
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Re: My first unofficial rebooting attempt

    SimplyMe, you made a fantastic post.

    I am humbled that you read my journal, and I am amazed that you want to help me, even though that is the way I feel about others here. Actually I am highly resentful about it at first.

    What will you do for trying? What you are doing here is holding me accountable. I can not make up excuses any more, or not try seriously, if someone who earnestly wants to help me, and knows what is going on, is keeping an eye on me.

    Wow, you're right. I don't know how you were right, but you were. I don't really realise that. Also I am slightly offended again, which is not your fault, that I was still thinking about doing PMO again. I guess I was still including the possibility. I probably still am.

    You are right. I had thought this twice recently. Even if I were to die under this, no one will think I was a great or good man. I would not be a martyr or a hero. I will be ... disgraced or discredited, and forgotten.

    Thank you for this tip. This is part of what makes your post fantastic. I needed this tip.

    I was thinking it earlier, but I think it was not fully formed yet: The key to my rebooting is probably to keep it simple and do not change everything at once, probably only one or two things (if they are minor) at a time.

    You say it is a fight and I guess it is. Probably the best aid to a fight is a plan. A plan should be my next post (and I have a lot of ideas). Actually I have to get to the really realise part above about how I can not do PMO anymore.

    (This is probably also Step One of the Twelve Step program. HOORAY!! IF I CAN MAKE IT!!!!)
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    update

    I haven't posted lately, but I haven't acted out, either.

    I spent some time thinking about taking PMO off the table, permanently. The first thought was that it was even on the table in the first place. The second thought is that it would be so hard to take off. I am angry and humiliated from both of these realisations, and still have not decided to take it off.

    I thought that maybe if I was allowed to do any thing I wanted that wasn't immoral or illegal I could take Internet porn or PMO off the table. This seems pretty reasonable in theory, but in practice it may not be so. But I should still take PMO off the table anyway. I am humiliated constantly by it and make no progress while on it.

    While thinking about this I think it cleared my head some to allow me to take a trip to my dad's and get some things done. This was a huge reward and I had a good time and am very glad I went. But I still have not taken PMO off the table yet in my mind.

    I took a vacation to my Dad's from Monday to Thursday and did not act out there, either. In fact I set up one of my computers with a huge screen, installing the operating system on it and everything but didn't act out on it as would be my temptation after getting everything set up. I was tempted, but ended up doing some computer programming on it instead, though that didn't really replace it.

    Me being able to do a computer program is a big deal to me because I think I am a computer programmer and should have it as a job, too. Plus I would just enjoy it as a hobby, of course.

    After coming back I was tempted to act out but ended up doing other things instead. For example, yesterday I had my computer open in the morning and was tempted to look up pornography four times but kept tidying up my room instead.

    I'm grateful for this forum and plan to post more after this one. Fiddler, I have stayed away from fast food places like you told me to. It took a little doing though, I had to resist temptations a few times.
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I've not officially decided to do rebooting yet, but...

    If I did I would take SimplyMe's advice and only change one thing at a time.

    I would start with writing, including journalling, because I am in already in the habit of doing that.

    The next would be meditation, for about half an hour, in the morning, because I have already gotten started on this one, too.

    The next should probably either be going outside just to sit, or for short walks, or healthy eating. I have to do healthy eating before exercising, I think.

    Other concerns I have are ideas for getting out of the house more. I could go for short walks or visit the chain cafe here (not Starbucks, but sort of a Canadian institution instead. If you are Canadian you know what I am talking about). They have wifi there but I was planning on reading or writing there, or doing something relating to school work or employment.

    I really want (and need) to practice my operating system (whether it is Windows or Linux), my typing, and my text editor before I can become a professional computer programmer. My work and typing are just too slow and full of errors to be effective on an hour spent basis. Perhaps I could take my computer to the cafe and practice these things there.

    Also the main idea for getting out of the house more is to get menial work, or a manual labour job, or practice all the stuff I listed above, and computer programming concepts. If I had my own business yet I could possibly get an office and spend time in there, but that's not any time soon. I also think I should go bicycle riding.

    By the way I have set up OpenDNS's family filter DNS servers on this computer, and "tested" them once to see if they would work. It wasn't really an honest test, I wanted to act out.

    All I have to do is admit PMO is ruining my life, like I already believe, and that it's the next thing to solve, like I have always believed. I want to go by the advice of another man whose journal I read here, "I have no projects except quitting PMO at this time."

    This way I should drop the projects of perfectionism, perfect discipline, moving back to Welland, finishing high school, etc., unless I'm doing them to fill up time to help me reboot. I also want to post a comment in this forum on how I have found comic books to be a very excellent source of visual replacement to pornography and that I think it might be neurological, and how I think going to the movies in the theatre may also help for a visual and possibly neurological replacement to pornography that other people here should do.

    I also want to read books and fantasy books to help get my mind off of sexual fantasies, maybe even rewire it a bit.

    If you're reading this, thanks for reading, and it may get edited and made clearer in the future.

    I am approximately 11 days no PMO, with some edging this morning and a couple times earlier.
     
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    more on my plan to quit, and cuddling thoughts last night

    I'm pretty tempted to look up porn right now, several times, but have not taken action to do it so far. I think this means two things. a) viewing YBR is a bit of a replacement for looking up pornography and b) I am not doing enough to quit pornography the rest of the time. Actually I've not really been behaving lately, as far as all the numerous things I think I need to do to stay sane or sober.

    Actually, don't read this post, it's not finished yet.

    Some positive news though:

    I read half of a very interesting YBOP article on the effects of addiction on the forebrain, the pre-frontal cortex. I match all of them and porn addiction is the source for all of them. This is progress.

    I also read the article on YBOP on how porn addiction is not sex addiction. The article describes sex addiction, and how it's with new partners, strangers, anonymous, and people almost always have childhood or sexual traumas (or both). It was clear and accurate on sex addiction, so now I know that is not exactly what I have. What I have matches porn addiction more precisely.

    I often read YBOP, especially the Tools for Change article, when I have turned my computer on and have nothing else to do. This is a good thing almost every time. It helps remind me of my quitting porn goal and helps me not look up porn.

    The plans for quitting:

    Making it a project

    Taking it easy, not trying a total lifestyle change (from ThouShaltNotPorn) or quitting everything cold turkey (my dad, other posters), and trying only to change one thing at a time (SimplyMe, this journal).

    Writing:

    Journalling on paper

    Writing in this journal

    Writing to my Livejournal account

    Taking notes

    Talking on IRC if I can

    Meditation

    Twenty minutes to 40 minutes a day, real meditation. No thinking, not just light-weight thinking. select a time, a length of time, and do not prolong it either (Fiddler, earlier this journal).

    Prayer, A.A. literature reading, and Bible reading. I need all of these as well.

    Default Go-To activity (Your Brain on Porn, item #6). I said I would just go out the door and sit for a while, but now that does not seem enough. Perhaps I should take a short walk... I am not sure.

    Exercise. I would not mind picking up mild exercise on a daily or semi-daily progress.

    Running. I believe I'd be half-way to being cured if I could run regularly.

    Avoiding bad replacements. The bad replacements are:
    - pointless Web browsing
    - needless computer use
    - excessive TV watching
    - junk food (chips, pop and the like)
    - fast food (McDonalds, high carb pastries)
    - raging (I haven't started this one yet, but I'm worried about it)
    - eating pointlessly

    Getting out of the house more
    - employment, education, socialising, computer/programming practice, menial work, volunteering, just about anything. But like I said above, one step at a time (one change at a time).

    Okay that's all I want to post for now.

    Last night I was in bed and really wanted to cuddle someone. I was thinking, at about 9 to 10 PM, that this would be a great time to make love to my wife and cuddle afterwards, if I had one. I had thought thoughts like wanting to make love to a wife before, but never so contentedly or with the thoughts of wanting to cuddle or at least hang around for most of an hour afterwards.

    Maybe I'm just getting older (I'm 33).
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Stages of change article--originally meant for alcoholism

    About two years ago I bookmarked the following page, listing five Stages of Change for recovery from alcoholism. It's from pyschcentral.com:
    | http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/stages-of-change/
    I believe I am on Contemplation, which excites me, because it's a lot further on than Pre-Contemplation, which is the one I thought I was on.

    I identify a lot with the ambivalence comment. Ambivalence means you feel strongly both ways. I am perfectly identified by this section in the document. This explains why I'm not trying and trying at the same time, or why I seem to want to quit, but don't really seem to want to quit.

    Also the next section says you require a plan. That's one of the reasons I was not trying to quit previously! Your Brain On Porn has given me, if not a plan, the possibility and framework for making one. That's why I originally made this account!

    And I've already made half the plan on this journal! I need to decide to change, and then I just need to complete the plan and do it. Most of the plan is taken care of. I am likely to be successful if I keep to the plan and really try. So, maybe next is to spend some time by myself and maybe have a heart-to-heart by myself.

    I'm still surprised that it's an option for me to stay the same, with irregular consumption of Internet porn.

    I probably won't need to (or be able to) do the Twelve Steps either.

    I am about 13 days PMO-free and 1 day MO free.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I got outside today (progress)

    I relapsed yesterday I think.

    Today, after sleeping all day (which I shouldn't have done) I didn't over-think things and went outside. I got to town and into three different places with nothing bad happening. This is relevant to quitting PMO because getting outside is very important, especially for me, because I am having trouble in that area.

    Just about all the advice advises to go outside and deal with the real world, and not to spend time home alone. Especially not when tired, angry, hungry, lonely, sad or bored, or any combination of those. I guess the main success that let me do this was to decide that I'd worry about what was honest once I finally got out there.

    Reading a lot of YBOP (and watching videos there) and sex addiction recovery literature, and deciding to the first absolute (honesty) really helped. I took care of something in the house too, which I thought was going to be a nightmare but was basically trivial (plunger for the toilet needed).

    Still not sure about rebooting, but increasing my ability to do the activities definitely required for me to recover should be helpful.

    I really want to set up programming languages and other things like music and games on my computer, which for me makes me want to set up Linux Mint on it first.
     
  10. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Re: I got outside today (progress)

    What triggered it? It's important to identify what lead to the relapse (thoughts, external stimuli etc.) in order to not relapse again in the same situation in the future.
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Re: I got outside today (progress)

    [list type=decimal]
    [*]I went on a trip and spent three days at my dad's house
    [*]I did a lot of activities there in that short time, and a few things I did did not work out
    [*]I interacted with a lot of people and moved my life forward slightly (emotional)
    [*]I acted out as far as other misbehaviour (not porn, screaming) and argued with my dad over it
    [*]I was stressed for Wednesday and Thursday, a week later
    [*]I made an appointment at a employment help centre to help me be employed
    [/list]
    I think this was the trigger.

    I think the trigger was me having to meet a (probably young) woman and talk about why I wasn't being employed, and if I proceeded with that I would have a totally different lifestyle with no type of sex addiction in it. I think my sex addiction was kind of just defending itself against plus influences.
     
  12. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    Re: Replacement habits (new habits to make)

    Hey quitporn2,

    I wanted to check out your journal and see how you are doing.

    Well, the good news is, you seem to have identified your main issue: you aren't sure whether you really want to quit or not.

    Until you have gotten this figured out I don't think any kind of plan or technique is going to help you. As you probably know, staying away from porn is very difficult, so if you don't want to quit 100%, you are pretty much doomed to keep going back to it.

    I hate to see you burning all this energy fighting with yourself. Either get on the wagon or get off, man! I would come through the screen and whack you if I could. A friendly whack, you understand. ;)

    Anyway, regardless of what you decide to do, I hope you keep posting. The journaling is very therapeutic.

    I will keep an eye on your journal, to see how you are doing.

    - Gopher
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Re: Replacement habits (new habits to make)

    That's a bad nickname. I've got to change it, and the picture, and maybe the tag line.

    I'm only on lesson 2.

    My first Linux distribution was Red Hat 5.0.

    I know.

    I know, that's why I'm hesitating too much.

    I probably will at this point. Whatever problems I have I will still have without porn, and I can work on them there. Check my next post to see if I've decided.

    One of the biggest things is me attempting way too many things at once (covered by another poster to my journal). I think that that's what's making me not want to attempt rebooting. There's so many things I'd stress myself out way too much and give up and I know it at this point.

    I gave myself a whack instead of you. I did it too hard.

    I think it's very likely I'll decide to quit porn.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I had an insight about being noticed by women

    I'm sorry I'm not posting my I-have-decided-to-reboot post, but I had a good insight about being noticed by women or not.

    It has nothing to do with how much porn I have viewed lately. It has to do with if I am willing to do so in the future. If I am, they will not respond so when near me, possibly because I have no confidence because I am set on allowing myself to do something I think is wrong.

    I think I know this because I've been P-free for a week (except for an extremely minor amount) (ignore the counter), and still no woman wanted to look at me, normally they would. I think it's just because of my attitude, I look or feel guilty.

    Still no PMO for a while. I keep thinking I don't have a problem or can beat it with will power, which is contradictory of course. Either I have a problem or I don't. If I don't then there's nothing for the will power to be used for.

    And why would I want to beat it with will power if I could beat it by putting in replacement habits and attitudes? I'll have huge enough chance to use will power just to start and keep doing the new habits and refraining from PMO when it comes up. That's how to quit porn addiction I think.

    I think I have an excellent plan almost entirely formed in my head on how to quit Internet porn, including all time in nature and every kind of thing, and I may be able to do it despite many things stacked against me. Here are some things stacked against me:
    - I live alone, so I'm alone all the time unless I go outside
    - I have no job or occupation to employ me or get me out of the house or distract me
    - I have a small room/place to live in where there is very little to do except my temptations:
    - lay around, eat food, watch TV (cable), watch porn on TV, waste time on my computer, pointless Internet use, and looking up porn on the Internet (the Internet connection here is good)
    - I have depression, mood disorders, loneliness and other things I don't want to talk about that make my dopamine level even lower than porn addiction accounts for
    - I have huge difficulties getting out of the house
    - I think I have to practice A.A.-style principles and lifestyle to get through a day and get out of the house, and maybe I do, but I don't want to
    - I get in trouble all the time (hard to explain) and my default response is to go home and sit down and try to de-stress and figure out where it went wrong

    I have an appointment tomorrow with an official employment help counsellor to discuss my ideas to do with employment. This relates to quitting porn because it is part of a plan to:
    - get me out of the house more
    - remove temptations and will power and self-control exhaustion from food and TV and porn being in the house
    - help regulate my dopamine by going out of the house, possibly being with others
    - have activity, probably physical
    - and a sense of accomplishment.

    My real name starts with a T. and I should just change my nickname a bit, and my Kurt Cobain picture, although I used to look like him.

    On the positive side, with refraining from PMO for about one week (again, I think the counter is not right, I should ask CrazyGopher) I have been able to do a few positive things with my life that will also help me quit addiction to Internet porn.

    I was able to post to my Livejournal many times. This helps me quit Internet porn because it is an alternate creative outlet and also helps me be in contact with other people (although only one so far) and helps sharpen my intellect and bring reality to my life (healthy).

    I looked up a previous acquaintance on Livejournal and talked to her a lot... this probably was not wise yet, actually.

    I organised my stuff a little more and caught up with some spiritual things (becoming more willing to do what I ought to do more often) and got out more and sometimes even had a very good time! I improved my habits a bit is what I'm saying. Also I've been eating well (but not nutritiously) and not starving.

    One of the biggest things to help was me reviewing the Your Brain On Porn six part Your Brain On Porn Series and other materials again. This is the advice I give to myself and others, it's a good thing I took it. It really helps to review it no matter how often I've seen it. I learned a lot the last time. Maybe I learn more every time because I think I learned more than the first or second or third time I viewed it.

    Mostly I learned about dopamine and how that always affects your mood and how porn (and any other addictive behaviour) messes with it, and something else personal that I am not going to say now.

    I also practiced typing and guitar more. No programming yet, though.

    I also watched some good TV to do with life management which was a good influence. This is mentioned because I think it really benefits me. Probably if I'm in PMO I don't get to see it or miss 90% of it.

    And one more event I really liked but am not going to say here (nothing to do with porn or possible girlfriends, just life management).
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    relapsed, but wasn't trying

    Triggers:
    • Long, busy day and week
    • Very emotional day and week
    • Being tired and alone

    The last two I know to avoid, but don't know how to avoid them.

    I tried to go to sleep several times but I didn't try that hard and I was too wound up, despite trying to watch TV and do other things to calm down. Going to sleep was my idea to cease to be tired. This all at 3 or 4 AM or so.

    As for ceasing to be alone I don't know what I could have done.

    Also, perhaps the biggest reason for me relapsing was that I had the thought that day that I ought to come home and post to my YBR journal that I was serious about doing the reboot after all, and that it would have been fine and I really wanted to, but I didn't.

    Also relapsed a bit more later, the next day. When, exactly, I'll not tell you.

    I was kind of looking forward to putting a week or more on my counter, it only said four days when I reset it.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Taking PMO off the table again

    I read TheUnderdog's perfect "Porn is NOT an Option" post a couple days ago. It describes where I am. I posted above this previously.

    I've also noticed that I have the most success in life even when I am only seriously considering taking PMO off the table.

    So I'm still considering it.

    I am having a very great deal of resistance from myself for the lifestyle changes I would have to do, or I think I would have to do, in order to replace addiction to Internet porn. These are, again:
    • Writing (journalling)
    • Meditation
    • Exercise or running, or
    • Exercise and running
    • Time in nature
    • Friendly social interactions
    • Posting my progress to this forum
    • Eating right (or at least not eating worse)

    My plan is to go ahead with all the lifestyle changes necessary to be sure of a reboot (exercise, schedule, meditation, reading and posting here a lot). Actually I don't think I have sufficient motivation to do the above.

    Also I believe it would be better for me to live somewhere where there was either someone I knew in the house with me most of the time, or no high speed Internet access, or both.

    Perhaps I can combine the above items by doing my running or meditation in nature when I can because I need to save time.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I exercised and it really helped

    Saturday or so I said to myself that I would start exercising the next day. And I did!

    I set my microwave for 20 minutes (it has a timer function) and I ran back and forth in my room for that time and it started beeping. I worked up a good sweat. I actually enjoyed myself. Despite the fact that I was just going back and forth fifteen feet or so. I believe running for 20 minutes counts as exercising.

    I was in a much greater mood and was more optimistic, and found it much easier to make decisions and do things all day. I was very glad all day that I did that, and all I had to do was run back and forth for 20 minutes, and like I said, I enjoyed it. I was very rewarded.

    So I haven't done it since. I just don't want to because I don't want to switch to a life where everyone else is right, that doing things you don't want to do helps and is required... I think I'm incapable of it. I don't want to deal with reality.

    This goes for me and all the other lifestyle changes I think I need to do to replace addiction to Internet porn. I'm not asking for any of you guys to say anything about that and actually I hope you're not even reading it.
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Still seriously considering taking PMO off the table

    I did an MO yesterday, but the counter is too far reset.

    I read some of the 0.BENEFITS.pdf suggested from here and the 100 reasons to quit list there too, and was partially reminded of why I wanted to quit. I should read Your Brain On Porn and those benefits lists every day, every morning perhaps.

    A lot of the problems I have, such as rage or shame or not feeling confident in front of women I have, and I can see that shame and not feeling confident in front of women are related to porn, but maybe the other problems, such as rage, might be more solveable if I keep quitting porn.

    Been off porn for about 5 days. Haven't meditated or exercised recently. I have been writing, though. It's just hard to change my life, so I don't want to pick up the new habits such as exercising, because I know I would.

    The thought of seriously taking porn or Internet porn off the table is worth working on, but I think I need to take it more seriously still.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    current status and progress (day 5)

    Current status:

    I am trying to continue to create the new replacement habits (writing, meditating, socialising, exercising, eating right) while refraining from porn and seriously considering permanently taking porn off the table. I am hoping that if I keep going outside and doing the replacement activities instead of porn I will eventually find a reason to take porn off the table.

    I think it's not going to be a conscious decision on my part, I think it will only happen when my hindbrain realises I have sufficient dopamine replacements, including interaction with people, probably including women. Then, I think if I have enough replacement habits and have refrained from porn and sexy things and sexual fantasies my hindbrain will eventually spontaneously let me give up porn. When is not up to me.

    Like Gary says, or someone says, when you have an addiction your hindbrain thinks it's necessary for survival. And maybe you've been acting like it is. Of course it isn't going to let you give it up! So I think part of the rebooting process is to put together sufficient replacement activities and real life interaction that your hindbrain realises it isn't so anymore. That's what I'm doing, or trying to do.

    Actually, I have a question. This, the above, is all I can think of to do. Is there anything else I can do? I can use OpenDNS and K9 possibly. (I actually tried OpenDNS a few weeks ago and I think it helped.) I would also prefer to have Linux installed on this computer. I can tell some other people, not sure who. I can work on my posts more so people will read this journal (it's not well-written) and I can have more support.

    I can spend more time with family. I'm going to do this one, and the above.

    Progress:

    Yesterday I ran in my room for 20 minutes (exercise) and meditated. I also did some what we call edging, which is a habit I think I need to break. I have been edging intermittently for a while now, usually not for very long. I think it will ruin my reboot if I keep doing it this way.

    I have also kept up on writing, on paper, and yesterday I looked up and read Your Brain On Porn stuff, like I think that I have to do, even though I don't really want to. I probably have to do it at the start of every day. I've done that today, too.

    Meditating for me is not going as well as it could. I keep telling myself not to think but I keep thinking. It's not as bad as it could be, though. I should make an individual post for it.

    I also think I should read and post to here every day, probably at night, when I'm most tempted to look up porn. Actually I thought yesterday that I was looking forward to posting to this forum at 8 or 9 PM, instead of looking up porn. It's probably an excellent replacement. I didn't, though, I'm only doing it now.

    You see for me looking up porn is partially about processing all of the events of the day, and here, where we do nothing but talk about quitting porn, that works as a replacement for porn because all of the original related thoughts come up to do with porn and sex, but they are turned to more healthy ends.

    Plus I don't act out. Plus it makes me more intelligent. Plus I get to read interesting stories. Plus I get to express myself. Plus sometimes I get to interact with other people. Plus sometimes I get to help other people. Plus I don't feel guilty about it later.

    ...

    I feel very ashamed that my counter only says five (or so) days and others say 13 or 14 or 40. Mine should say 40 or 50. This is obvious. I obviously just need to take this more seriously.

    I probably will, too.

    Some positives over the last week:
    • Got to see or interact with three attractive young women yesterday
    • A lot of fun practicing VIM, typing, programming, and Blackberry simulator yesterday
    • Really enjoyed standing around in a microscopic park near here in the middle of the night (3 AM) and looking at the sky, the stars, nice trees near by, and listening to very rushing water
    • Made some coherent Livejournal entries a few days ago
    • Have been able to go back to talking to a woman I had previously met
    • Increased social interactions with the people here, including the landlord
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Considering taking porn off the table seems to make you look at women!

    It seems that seriously considering taking porn off the table makes it so you can see women more.

    I saw three attractive women yesterday and I have come to believe that even seriously considering making porn not an option lets you see and smile at and interact with women without being ashamed, even if you are nervous or self-conscious for other reasons (as I often am).

    One woman was dressed like a rebellious teenager, which I found attractive. She had a grown-up face, though, so I think she was in her 20s or early 30s. She looked at me. The only reason I know she was a grown woman or that she was looking at me was that I had enough courage to look at her, too. And this would only have happened, I believe, if I was seriously considering making porn not an option.

    The second woman was a lady cop. I had to walk in front of her car. I didn't look at her at first, but after I crossed the street I did. She turned out to be a woman and had a very attractive face. This was six hours ago but I still remember it now. This was a positive experience.

    Their cheeks and faces and skin just looked nice. (I have been off the porn for at least five days now.) I also believe that the structure and appeal of these faces is more real, means more, and lasts longer in my head. These visuals, which are legitimately earned, are available for me to keep forever. They kind of become a part of me in a positive way. I feel like I have gained something, I am edified.

    Porn does the complete opposite. I can't enjoy what I remember and most of it I don't want to remember, and it's not appealing and I can't tell anyone about it, and I don't really even like it most of the time. It's just habit or what I was feeling at the second. Maybe I should list to my rewards post (which I haven't made yet):
    • I get to see real attractive women in real life and perceive and enjoy appearances and the visible parts of their personalities
    • And they're very pretty!

    And the third young woman was working at a food take-out place (not fast food) and seemed to enjoy interacting with me at least a little. She is intelligent and interesting but I didn't look at her face too much, partially because she is very young.
     

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