I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Do you do any social things that put you in regular contact with women? I have been married forever now (met my wife in 2006) and always had a difficult time meeting people. In hindsight, I think it is related to always being around men, and never having women present. I think what I would do if I could go back is to find interests of mine that women also share, and regularly engage in them in group settings. Just a thought.
     
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  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I mifht confuse you with somebody else, but didn't you write somewhere that you would like to be a writer? This way you could work from home if you don't like a 9-to-5 corporate job. I thought about quitting my corporate job lately, too.

    And I think Mertons advice is great advice.
     
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  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    You're right. Thanks for that excellent point. I still think I should work on myself so I'm a good partner, but it won't matter if I never meet women. To be honest I'm in love with a woman I already have met, and I can't imagine making love to anyone but her. Maybe I should imagine love and marriage instead of making love. Anyway I still think I should get out more.
    I could be a technical writer. Thanks for the reminder that I can work from home!
    Yeah, me too. I was thinking of going to a board games cafe, there's not going to be a lot of women there, but at least it'll be practice in getting out.

    Status

    I M-ed again and I watched nudity in a Netflix TV show I knew would likely have nudity. I think at this rate I'm slowly sliding back into porn. I don't know if I should have watched the show or not, but I'm not resetting my porn counter for now.

    I think I'm starved for sex information and for sex. Maybe I should buy a (non-nude) manual on sex, or would that make things worse? Or maybe some research in a library. Also, I should have sex with a wife. I should just get out.

    I read a little more NMMNG! and Life Strategies, which helped a bit. I guess I obviously can't masturbate or watch shows with nudity in them if I want to recover from internet porn. I'm gonna try going out a bit tonight.
     
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  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I went out to the back yard and to pick up my prescription. I decided to reward myself with ice cream for being good lately. Here's some things I've been doing good lately:
    • Not looking at porn
    • Not trying to circumvent my porn blockers
    • Working a little for money
    • Trying to start a stay at home business
    • Self-improvement
    • Posting here
    • Talking to people for health and wellness's sake
    • Getting out of the house despite all my difficulties in doing so
    Honestly I should reward myself more often for all the going without and self-improvement I do.

    Keep on, rebooters.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I welcome people replying to my journal.
    I watched that video. There's a lot to get into to do with masturbation while trying to quit internet porn. Let's get started. I agree with the prevailing wisdom in this forum that if you're masturbating every 1-3 days you'll never recover from internet porn. This wisdom appears to be based on experience, and Your Brain on Porn agrees with it in one of its guides for quitting internet porn. I feel this way also.

    The Noah B.E. Church video you quote here says not to masturbate if you're switching fantasies rapidly, or if you're incorporating porn memories or fantasies of porn, or if your fantasies are inspired by porn. I don't like to admit it, but I do all of those things. Some of my fantasies would be illegal in real life, others just against most people's values or just plain impractical. Either way my masturbation of late is sinking me further into myself and getting me further away from recovering from internet porn. The YBOP website says that sexual fantasies for masturbation should be practical and realistic, like imagining getting to make love to your wife when you go out together, and this only applies if you have a wife/sex partner. Now, when I have a "good MO", which are the emergency releases I try to take every 1 1/2 months, I fantasise but only a very little--it's pretty basic or simple what gets me off, and has been as simple as imagining boobs or a naked woman, with no other twists or turns necessary in order to get me off. So I'm out of control with masturbation at the moment and I gotta figure out why.
    Thanks very much. If I'm helping anyone else to recovery that's great, man. I'm glad I posted my list earlier on this page of things that have helped me be clean (more or less failing at this recently). This tells everyone all I know about how I've been managing to recover so far, so I hope you all read it, add your own wisdom to it, and recover.

    I am going to brain-storm. I think my masturbation might be caused by...
    • Me losing some steam in quitting porn, maybe I'm low or out of will power
    • From lack of life progress or having sex
    • From not getting out of my apartment enough
    • From having my mind in a bit of a jumble from a lot going on, which is cutting down on my self-control somehow, I guess by disrupting my anti-masturbation plans in my head
    • Maybe not journalling enough here or on paper
    • Maybe not enough exercise or meditation
    • I just feel somewhat out of whack
    • Edit: Maybe I have extra stress going on
    Maybe I should write a letter of goodbye to the fictional people I think about in my fantasies. Maybe I should write that science fiction short story I talked about. Maybe I should be on my computer less.

    About taking a romantic gesture

    Remember the girl in the building I've talked about? I was going to send her a text message today inviting her for ice cream, but I didn't have the nerve because I masturbated yesterday, which seems to knock off my courage. Maybe I'll use that as motivation to stop masturbating: If I stop masturbating I might get to spend some time with her, maybe a little physical contact like handshakes or hugs.

    Keep at it rebooters, active recovery is a key part of recovery for me and may be for you.

    Edit: I also have to talk myself out of watching TV nudity, that I'll never recover if I do that, plus I doubt I could look people at church in the face if I did that.

    After thinking about this post it's possible I need to get a stressor off my brain to quit masturbation. I'm not sure what, but I guess I can think about it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2020
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  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn and I have only masturbated a few seconds since last post.

    Remember that C. S. Lewis quote about an imaginary harem imprisoning you? It's still in my head that sexually fantasising brings me further into myself and further away from real friends, and real romantic relationships. I think that's what's helping me refrain from M for the past couple days. It also occurred to me that in real life, there's literally billions of women (!) and a lot of them like sex. I'm not proposing I have more than one girlfriend at a time, I'm just saying with these odds it might not be so hard to get a real sex partner. Maybe I've talked myself into thinking it's a lot harder than it is.

    I think my thinking is a lot clearer since I was free of porn for about 100 days. It makes me think of ideas like the above, that is, it seems like my ability to deal with reality has increased. I've gotten sharper and slightly more practical.

    Confession... I often go and look up hot women on the internet or watch music videos... it's a bad idea. I usually get worried a few minutes in and close it. Things that turn me on make me anxious now. Maybe I'm too asexual. Maybe I should get a girlfriend soon. I'll pray about it. I know that it's cleavage or thighs that get me aroused and I usually stop, but I get somewhat aroused and that's a bad habit, as well as wrong if I'm trying to quit porn. Maybe I just need more alternative things to do.

    I've been having thoughts of going back to porn, but I remind myself that it's not real and no matter what I look at or how much it will never be enough. Unfortunately I know this from experience now. I'm also tempted to watch TV shows with nudity in them, I'm not sure if these shows are porn or not. Maybe I need to watch programming for adults that doesn't have nudity, like Breaking Bad or something else serious, to satisfy my grown-up desire to be entertained.

    Okay, so I need to keep working on not looking at stuff that arouses me, avoiding nudity porn, and pray about what I should do for sex.
     
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I would be very wary of this habit. You could say it's a very soft version of peeking but it seems to have become ritualized the way you describe it. Moreover, it's a very small leap from lewd music videos to softcore P to hardcore P. I can't recall how many of my relapses have started with the great idea of just looking up faces of porn actresses. But because of the fact that they are all dolled up, your brain directly associates them with porn and in 90% of the cases that would be the starting shot for a relapse.

    Also, remember that porn consumption does not necessarily have to include naked people or sex. So, if revealing music videos become a thing of yours, you can put it in the P category. In the sense, that you should absolutely avoid looking them up. I mean, why are you watching them? Not because of the music or the artsy fartsy video but because you want to be stimulated sexually. There is only one difference to porn and that is the degree of explicitness.

    Regarding dating, I think, it's a number's game. To put it simply: If you don't fire bullets at all, you can't expect to hit the target. Furthermore, I think it is very healthy to leave your expectations at home and just have the goal in mind to meet someone. If you have a good time, nice! If she becomes your friend, great! If you have a fling, awesome! If she becomes your girlfriend, even more awesome! But just meeting someone, only having a nice talk while drinking coffee is a lot better than not having any of it at all.

    1. Start small
    2. Adjust your goals in the process
    3. ???
    4. Profit :D

    Take care!
     
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  8. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Here's the quote:
    “For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . . And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination.

    The true exercise of imagination, in my view, is (a) To help us to understand other people (b) To respond to, and, some of us, to produce, art. But it has also a bad use: to provide for us, in shadowy form, a substitute for virtues, successes, distinctions etc. which ought to be sought outside in the real world—e.g. picturing all I’d do if I were rich instead of earning and saving. Masturbation involves this abuse of imagination in erotic matters (which I think bad in itself) and thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”
     
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  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reminder, @Pete McVries. There's several reasons I shouldn't look at pretty girls on the internet, or revealing music videos. The pretty girls thing always tempts me to start looking up porn, so that habit has to go. I like artsy fartsy music videos, but I guess I should switch to the "audio only" or "lyric videos" for these videos, or just listen to the radio. Getting sexually aroused is just setting me back and it's against what I believe in for both practical and religious reasons.

    I've been good lately and there was this movie I didn't watch because it said it had nudity. I'm going to have to not watch a lot of entertainment if I can't see anything sexy by women. Maybe I should get that second streaming service to make up for it. Yeah, I agree with you and there's a lot of stuff that is risky that I have to leave alone, and I plan to. Getting cocky because I have a long streak will be my undoing, which would totally be a drag.
    I would like that, but I'd also like to cuddle really bad at this point. Don't worry, I don't plan on telling her that on the first date. I don't know when I will have the nerve to ask her out, maybe next week.
    :)

    @Doper, thanks for the full quote and for reading and for your support.

    Edit: I didn't think through this post before making it. I want to add in a status update.

    Status

    I cut off looking at or watching sexy/sexual stuff over the past 1-2 days. My urge to M has gone up a lot, and I'm not sure if the two are related or not. This hasn't happened to me for a while. Mostly, I think I need to get out of the house more. (I got out last Tuesday or so.) I don't know what I should do about this urge to jerk off. I need to do something to get my mind off it, hopefully by doing something constructive. I'll think about this for a while.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P or M since last. I intentionally looked up something that might have been sexy and watched part of a sexy music video. I was tempted to look up P today.

    Music videos

    I obviously need to avoid revealing music videos or music videos that turn me on. It'll be hard for me to avoid sexy music videos since I've been watching them since I was an adolescent and they're kind of a hobby for me. I'll avoid the ones that turn me on, maybe I just need to tighten my behaviour a little. Some of the sexier videos don't turn me on for some reason because I feel the singer isn't slutty. But if the singer is sexually abominable even the slightest sexuality is triggering. But I'm going to be conservative for a while.

    For the future

    I should still get counselling or therapy, but I haven't worked up the nerve to call them. The first nine sessions are free, but I'm putting off going partially because don't know how I'm going to pay for the rest, but also because of anxiety to do with people, and because part of me wants to leave my pain and grief alone, and I feel embarrassed and I feel too ashamed to go, and plus it's a long walk. I guess I need to work on those things so that I can go.
     
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2020
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Hello rebooters,

    Status

    No P or M. I've been avoiding fantasising successfully, and I've cut down a little on watching sexy music videos. I don't know if it's okay for me to play them and not look at them or not, or if I will really do that.

    I went out today and I still have some endorphins in my blood from the physical activity of walking there and back. I think my impulses to masturbate are greatly reduced from my physical activity and outing. Maybe I have to go out more often in order to quit masturbation and porn. Maybe every 2-5 days. It won't be easy for me, but it's a lot easier than it used to be.

    I should reward myself for being clean and for going out, but I'm not sure what to use as a reward. I like sweets but I'm too overweight for that and I can't reward myself with anything sexual at this time. Perhaps if I get a sex partner I can ask if she can reward me with sex. I like TV, movies and computer games, but I have to play those anyway just to stay sane. Maybe I should reward myself with toys, books, or with a nice restaurant meal.

    I am close to 150 days clean without willfully looking at porn. That's a goal that I had set like 6 years ago as a length of time it might probably take me to reboot and I'm glad I've finally reached. I don't think I am rebooted, but here are some advantages to my life so far:
    • Less self-conscious and ashamed, not feeling so bad about myself
    • Less guilty and harder to put down
    • More confident
    • Not seeing abominable or unwanted things I don't want to see
    • Sharper eyes
    • A lot better sleep
    • Sharper mind
    • More able to make plans and to keep them
    • Just healthier and more able to do things, like work, and also to have fun
    • Feel happier and more at peace
    I still think my list earlier about what's helped me recover is helpful and true. Filtering, medication, being good to myself as far as giving myself things to do such as movies and video games are the biggest helps. I may have to add "getting out regularly" to that list, because it might be the only thing that will help me with my impulses to masturbate.

    I can't really overstate how much better I feel know than earlier when I was binging in abominable porn all day, every few days. I am so thankful for my condition as it is now.

    Take care, rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2020
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  12. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Reward yourself with going out again. You benefited from it, so you should try to cultivate it without overwhelming yourself. Where did you go to, if I may ask? To a club, or to a park?

    In the last paragraph, you talk about sex like it is a good to be traded. But it is not like that and you dont say thank you when receiving what you wanted initially. It is a mutual activity that ideally both parties enjoy and want to do. You have read "No more Mr. Nice Guy", didn't you? The way you phrased it, it sounds exactly the way Glover describes nice guys. They want a reward for being nice or a good boy - and you know what happens if they do not get it ;). Just some food for thought, I'm not dissing!
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I went to my brother's house. Yes, I was thinking of rewarding myself by going out such as going to the movies, going to the park, eating at a restaurant, just going for a walk. I should think of more ideas.
    I've read about one third of NMMNG!. I'm familiar with that concept, but I think I was thinking about it differently than you think. Either way I'll think about what you say.

    Maybe I'm thinking more along the lines of not punishing myself by disallowing myself to have sex anymore. Does that make sense?

    Status

    I unintentionally saw nudity on Netflix last night, and later I watched a show about sex with no nudity (or even much women showing skin). I don't know for sure if it's related but I later did an MO to fantasy. (I wasn't really able to control the fantasy, either.) I guess I was thinking that it was okay to have fantasy and M. It seems I haven't decided not to do those things like I have with porn. I've also been tempted lately to go to one of my favourite porn sites. I should be telling myself that it's wrong to do that, and that everything the website represents is fiction, that is, what it shows is not like real life at all. Maybe I'm in the phase of recovery where I have nostalgia for old porn, and I need to learn that it was all a lie.

    I'm not sure what to do about me watching sex comedies. I'm kind of hungry for comedy and maybe starving for sex. I really want to have a lot of sex in a relationship and I feel like it's unnatural that I've put it off for so many years. I'll think and maybe pray about it. Honestly I think I'm going to keep watching that show. I'm going to take it easy for a while and see if any ideas occur to me.

    Real romance

    I want to send a text message to the girl in the building I like. I don't want to imagine having a sexual relationship with her since she's so young, but I can imagine a friendship or at least a good acquaintanceship, and sometimes I like to imagine a cuddling relationship. Maybe that last one's a bad idea... But, I objectively like her as a person so I should follow up on it. I'll have to get a haircut and shave first, I think. Too bad I have pimples. I'd like to make a good impression on this woman. Eh, I'd like to talk to her but now I think asking her out is a bad idea.

    For the future

    I've gotta figure out how not to masturbate and have sexual fantasies. Maybe I should make realistic plans to have sex. TheUnderdog, our fearless leader, says we should focus on love and not sex. I think that's a great and wonderful idea. I'm not sure what that means in this context. Should I love everyone and then a sex partner will appear? Should I stop thinking about sex at all and just et out there and interact with assorted people? Maybe if I make it to church regularly I'll have enough people to talk to.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    My counter is still accurate, 158 days no intentional porn. I am tempted a lot today to disable my blocking and look up porn. I don't know what's so special about today that this is happening, but I a lot on my mind and a lot of stress on me, maybe that's it. Or maybe it's just my sex drive coming back.

    I feel fairly crappy because I am not having sex, and it doesn't look like I'll be able to any time soon. I even feel like I'm not allowed to have sex or sexual activity with someone (even if married). Am I being punished here, am I punishing myself? And plus I probably still have ED, either porn-induced or from my psychiatric medication. I haven't had an erection without porn or porn fantasy in years.

    I think I'm not at all well or able enough to get married, and I am having way too many social problems to go out to places or to go to church. (The social problems may be self-induced.) And if I can't do that, I'm not going to find someone to have sex with or be able to get married. I guess all these barriers to sex (some might be self-induced) are why I am feeling crappy.

    For the future

    I don't really know what to do. I should finish reading NMMNG! and Life Strategies by Doctor Phil and also consider loosening up socially so I can go to gatherings and to church. I still haven't rewarded myself for 150 days clean, because it's not so easy for me to go out or to spend money, which I should still do. I'm going to order a second streaming service now to help reward myself (done). Maybe I should buy myself a cake for 150 days clean, or bake one.

    I guess I have to address my social blocks if I want to have sex, too. Honestly, I'm starting to get afraid of having sex now, maybe that's another difficulty for me.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2020
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn or M since last.

    On rewarding myself

    I'm still thinking I should reward myself for going 150 days clean. I bought myself extra fruit because I like that, and I think I should go to a movie and make myself or buy myself a cake. I think that could be an adequate reward.
     
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  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P or M since last. I'm being tempted to masturbate but so far haven't given in. I also unwisely looked at some sexy pictures. I knew that web page was probably going to have sexy pictures of women, but I went anyway. (The pictures were sexier than I expected, and they were all women.) I closed that tab, but I think I am still affected by it. I've been able to turn down the temptation to sexually fantasise by reminding myself that getting into the fantasy would keep me from dealing with and improving real life (and meeting and having intimacy with real women), and actually would take me in the wrong direction in life instead.

    I wonder if my confessing some of the minor things I do and my temptations to masturbate is a good use of this journal, but it seems to be working for me and I guess that's the main thing. I guess it helps make clear that leering even at fully clothed women is something that I can't do if I want to stay off porn and recover from it, or even be a half-decent person.

    Working

    I went to an appointment today, but mostly I feel like I am not using my time wisely. I am watching too much YouTube, TV, and not doing much chores or work or school. Life is easy this way, but it has a limited future. I'm not sure what is causing this lack of motivation, but I'm going off my medication that I think causes it. It should help me catch up on life.

    For the future

    I'm tempted only a small amount to look up porn. The main temptations are sexual fantasies and masturbation. I know I said that I want to go out for a reward to myself, and I still think I should do that, but I'm not sure I can go to the movies with the Covid-19 pandemic going on. Maybe I'll try to go to a park a couple times to reward myself. I feel like I need to get out more, even though I was already out today.

    I guess I'll just try to catch up with school in the future and try to reward myself by going to parks.
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2020
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  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I did more constructive activities today than usual. I wonder if that uses up my self-control, because later today I found tempted to look up a sex show on Netflix. I know that willpower is a limited resource, so maybe I mostly ran out of it today, and that's what happened. I didn't watch the sex show on Netflix, but I instead watched a documentary type show on sex. It was about sexual fantasies and had a lot of nudity in it (women's breasts and men's bums). I shouldn't have watched it, but maybe I could have just listened to the audio. It's also happening because I'm sex-hungry, and I'm pursuing sex in an irrational way (with screens instead of people).

    I've watched documentaries about sex before without it going horribly wrong, but maybe today I should have stopped at the TV-MA warning or the the warning of nudity at the beginning (I didn't notice), or the actual nudity later.

    Sexual fantasies

    I am thinking that quitting fantasies is not going to be so easy. I suppose I've written about this before, but it looks like I'll have to do a lot to replace them. At least I have a couple people to talk to about my life and my Covid-19 anxieties, so at least there's that. Mostly I should get back on my life plan.

    Life plan

    As far as my life plan goes I'm doing okay, but at a slow pace, in learning for school, and I'm handling social rejection a lot easier, and in my perception I'm receiving a lot less rudeness, and I'm increasing in the amount of hours worked slowly. That's all great! Those all were items on my life plan lists. I guess it took a while, but I succeeded, which is great! I'm so surprised I got so far.

    I just reviewed some of my life plan files and I think I should get counselling. I also think I should do what I did today and work as much as I can during the day. I guess what happened today might happen again, where my self-control gets used up and I look at nudity, but maybe I should just not use the internet after my self-control gets used up. I'm not sure I can manage that, but maybe I can plan what I do on the internet ahead of time. That might do it.

    Final section

    Anyway I MOed to TV nudity and fantasies. I'm noting it in my signature, but I'm not counting it as porn even though it's near to it.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2020
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  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Slow pace is good, it is typically more durable than more drastic changes
     
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    If anyone had asked me how I was doing on my life goals I would have said I had made no progress and had been lazy. I'd like to make the list again. Here's a list of life goals I've made progress on:
    • Less worried about people's social responses to me
    • Less perceived social rejection and rudeness
    • More school done, at least a little
    • Some part time employment done
    • Still have relationship with support crew, still talking to them regularly
    That's a great video. I was familiar with most of it, and it says on the Your Brain On Porn site that feeling guilty, ashamed, or any other strong emotion after acting out helps strengthen the addiction. So some years ago I began to not punish or be mean to myself for PMOing. I think this has helped tonnes. Other things that helped me from that video are:
    • Exercise helps with will power
    • Meditation helps with will power
    • Sleep helps with will power (I already knew this one)
    • Procrastination is like an addiction to, with its will power issues and self-punishment. I think I'm a very bad procrastinator, so it's something I can work on, not punishing myself for procrastination (with more procrastination).
    I am thinking I should resume my meditation habit (I kind of liked doing it anyway). Maybe I will set an alarm on my smartphone to remind me to meditate twice every day. It's helped a lot in the past, and it's always helped. I'll let you know if I do it. (Edit: I set an alarm on my phone and meditated for roughly 15 minutes. I did a poor job at it, but I feel very good now. I should do this twice a day in the future, though maybe for 5/10 minutes each, not 15.)

    Thanks for linking it to me.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2020
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status report

    I did two MOs over the past few days. The first MO was minimal both in time and in fantasy,so it might have been an emergency release or "good MO". I think the second was a "chaser effect" MO, and took longer and used a lot more fantasy. The first one I'm fine with, the second I could have done better. I may also be getting increased MO impulses because I'm kind of trapped in my studio apartment. Although I've got a good view, at least some space, high speed internet access, video games, books and two streaming services I feel a little trapped in here, and feeling trapped seems to lead to MO impulses to me.

    I guess my idea is to wait 14 days after last symptoms and then go hang around in the back yard.

    About nudity seen recently

    I'm now thinking that it's extremely obvious that I shouldn't have been watching TV nudity in a sex education documentary on Netflix, especially not with scenes of making out and of lesbianism. It was irrational (or insane) of me to watch it. I'm not going to reset my counter for it though since it was TV nudity and not porn. I remember I had done a lot that day and that my will power/self-control was low, and that I'm hungry for sex so I wanted to watch something sexual on Netflix, but I feel like I haven't gotten to the base reason I did something foolish like that. My plan is to keep thinking about it.

    I feel like I'm not getting much done in life. Maybe this is the underlying reason I'm looking for. Maybe I should consult all my life plan files again, better yet, I guess I should make a new one.

    Life plan 7
    • Reliable housing
    • Improved personal appearance and clothing
    • Financial savings
    • Getting out of the house more regularly
    • Organising my apartment
    • Money for activities such as swimming, hockey, martial arts, counselling
    • Going swimming, bicycle riding, doing martial arts
    • Getting counselling, going to a counsellor
    • More furniture for my apartment
    • In real life friends my own age
    • A girlfriend
    • Eat out and go out more often
    I think that's good enough for now.

    For the future


    I still plan to reward myself for being good for 170 days by going out to eat and going to watch a good movie in the theatre. That should be okay, and within my budget.

    Take care rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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