I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I feel a lot of positivity from your post. Keep going in the right direction. One small step each day is a major leap over a year.
     
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  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I feel my self control is weakening, and because I think I need to focus on quitting porn.

    First of all, I wanted to say that I'm so grateful for YBOP and this forum, and for people posting to their journals, others' journals and to my journal. This has helped save tonnes of damage to my life.

    @Gil79, It's true that I feel more optimistic lately, and I think it's due to my medication and abstaining from porn. This makes me happy.

    This is the second time someone has commented that a post I made was more positive. I know that I have a depressed outlook a lot of the time. I've had extreme depression in the past, and I would not be surprised if most of my posts were kind of depressing from my point of view.

    @-Luke- and @Thelongwayhome27, it's nice to see you guys supporting me by reading my journal.

    Status

    According to my counter I'm 48 (edit: 50) days clean from porn and masturbation. It's correct. I saw some simulated nudity yesterday unintentionally. It was slightly triggering, but I think I'm over it now. It was only for a couple seconds, so I must be easily triggered by common media in day to day life.

    I also went to a page hoping to see something sexy on the internet, unfortunately I saw nudity (mostly male). It wasn't porn, I didn't leer at it and I didn't masturbate to it, so I'm not resetting my counter. But I still have to do a lessons learned over it. I guess the main lesson is that despite my sex drive being reduced by my medications I am still a porn addict and addicted to porn, and I still need to work on quitting every day. I also have to keep up with the NoA (No Sexual Arousal) method, which obviously excludes looking at sexy things on TV, the internet, or in real life. I have to work on my NoA.

    NoA (No Arousal)

    I have difficulty doing this, even though I agree it makes complete sense. If I want to quit porn and go without masturbation and orgasm there is no point in arousal, it only harms.

    However, I keep arousing myself by:
    • Ogling or gazing after women and girls
    This happens if they're shapely or showing skin, so a lot of women, about half. I look at girls and women on my computer, on TV, and in real life. I do this to give myself a slight, temporary feel good high. I think it's similar to and overlaps with internet porn addiction. I have to figure out how to get out of this habit. I've been in this habit for about 20 years, so it may take a while to get out of it. I don't have a plan to break this habit yet, but I just started working on it.

    Life plan

    I put my TV on something so it's not on the floor, and I got my streaming and video services working on it. It's something I should have done 1 or so years ago, but at least it helps. I know it's a small thing, but I think my life plan should consist of building up small things towards greater things.

    I also want to e-mail the girl I like (not building girl) and tell her that I like her and maybe that I'm in love with her, and that I want to talk to her and have some kind of a relationship with her, finally.

    Other than porn addiction, not having much of a life, and the social contempt and scorn I'm under, my life is pretty good. I'm glad I chose not to give up.

    For the future

    I guess I'll let you guys know if I message the girl I like.

    Thanks for supporting me.
     
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  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I think it might be a bit over the top if you write the girl that you are in love with her with the first message. Just tell her you enjoy her company and want to meet her. And then see how it goes. But I'm not an expert on relationship advice, just wanted to throw my two cents in here.

    Keep going!
     
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  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I need to keep posting if I want to quit porn and rewire my brain to health rewards like goals accomplished, friendships, going outside, doing new things, and real sex.

    Status

    I unintentionally saw nudity two times since last post. It still has a strong affect on me, even though it wasn't hardcore porn. But, I have not masturbated or intentionally looked at porn since the last post, and not since 53 days.

    Again, I think about half the reason I'm able to do this is the prescription medication I'm on which is lowering my sex drive. The other half of things that help are filtering, willpower, alternative activities, getting out of emotional pain, posting here, praying/other religious activities, and more...

    I haven't mentioned it, but I've been getting vivid or intense dreams almost every night for the past month or two. They're usually not sex or porn related, but I dreamt a few nights ago that I had indulged in masturbation and that I had given in to the urge to look up porn, and looked some up (but there was no nudity in my dream). Fortunately those turned out to be dreams and I hadn't done anything disastrous. It felt bad in the dreams and still scares me when I'm awake.

    Edit: I want to add I get erections during the night, sometimes pretty strong ones, and sometimes they're still there by morning. But I get no erections otherwise.

    My life is a lot better since I'm not wasting time and life energy, with the resulting guilt and shame, of looking up porn and masturbating.

    I am still tempted to look at porn. I guess the solution to that is to keep reading and posting here. I thought about masturbating to O just to release my tension, since having an orgasm every 1 1/2 months seems to work for me. My sex drive is not driving me insane like it used to, because of the medication, but maybe I should still do this.

    NoA (No Arousal)

    I said in my last post I was having a very hard time practicing No Arousal. It's true. Well, I found the original The "No Arousal" Method post on the forum. It's long, and I haven't read it yet, but I intend to. But boy, do I ever need to seeing how bad my lustful thoughts and ogling habits are! I think it's exactly what I need to help me in my next step of quitting porn, a cornerstone if you will.

    Real romance
    You're right of course. Thanks very much for your post, @-Luke-. This isn't the first time I've written to this woman, but I still shouldn't tell her I'm in love with her, or anything big like that. I think I'll write her today because I'm desperate to have something happen to that end. I'd like... to be romantically accepted by her more than just about anything else I can imagine, and I think I'd rather have her as a girlfriend or wife than any famous celebrity woman.

    For the future

    My plan is to read all of that No Arousal Method post before my next post here, and tell you what the woman I like said to me in e-mail if she does.

    Take care, rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2019
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Agree, this does sound like a great idea. Have you ever heard of the 'wheel of life'? You can Google it. Basically it's a tool designed to help you gain some balance and happiness in your life. You draw a circle and split it into segments based on different areas of your life e.g. health, family/friends, romance, career, finances, hobbies, physical environment, personal growth - you can add other categories too. You then rate yourself in terms of satisfaction from 1-10 in each of these areas of your life. So you might find that your apartment is coming along nicely, you've got furniture and streaming services set up so you're a 7 in that area. In the personal growth area you might rank it as 5 out of 10 but then you can figure out ways to improve e.g. making an effort to become more sociable, small steps such as chatting to the people in that bicycle store that you were nervous about visiting. This could be a good use of your time when you feel bored.
     
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  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn or nudity since last. I feel about half (or most) of my sex drive returning over the past few days, and I have temptations to look at porn, have extensive sexual fantasies, and to masturbate. I tried masturbating today but only got about 3 seconds into it, so I'm not counting it. I'm wondering if I should MO because it's been 1.5 months since I last had any release and maybe I should just to be kind to myself. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. As for my sex drive returning, maybe I was in a flatline, or maybe the side effect from the anti-anxiety drug is wearing off. I'm glad it's returning because a) having little or no sex drive seems to be reducing my confidence, and b) I would like to have sex in the future. I feel like I only get confident if I get sexual urges but I turn them down.

    I'm still getting vivid dreams and erections during the night, but not while I'm awake.

    Due to my sex drive returning I'm going to have to keep working on not looking at porn. Here are some things I should do:
    • Keep filtering on all my devices, and possibly tighten it
    • Practice NoA method (see below)
    • Continue to work on Life Plan (also below)
    • Get out of my apartment often, talk to other people, too
    • Have things to do in my apartment other than porn (maybe I could use a few more books)
    • Date and have actual sex
    • Talk to someone about my religion and go to church
    NoA (No Arousal)

    I read the first post on bigbookofpenis's post about NoA. I agree entirely with his notions. I probably will not be able to quit porn will looking hungrily at female skin whenever it shows up IRL or on a screen, and I probably won't even be a functional or half-decent person if I keep doing that. I've got to turn down sexy music videos and movies and never look lustfully at girls and women in real life or anywhere else. It's like super light porn for me, and even a small amount of this ogling or lustful looking and keeps my internet porn addiction going.

    I maybe can switch to YouTube Music because it usually shows an album picture instead of a music video, and I can just listen to the radio more (and turn it off or turn the channel if something sexy to me comes on). I'll just have to not look at girls at all IRL if there's the slightest sexual interest or arousal in it. I'll just have to continually be looking away. I may have to stay inside and read sometimes, but that's something I should be doing anyway. I may have to hide from billboards or even hide in my apartment away from sexiness, but I don't want to be looking at girls/women lustfully anyway so it'll be a good thing, besides it'll be approved of by the people at church.

    I like how he refers to refraining from looking and ogling for a time as a "healing period". I like when Your Brain on Porn talks about healing my brain, too. It'd be wonderful if my brain was fully healed and I had a healthy, but active sexuality and sex drive.

    Answer to forlorn and Life Plan stuff
    Thanks very much for your post, @forlorn. It's great! Boy, you've been reading my journal, too. I realise I'm really redundant around here. I went to that website and filled it out, and boy do I have a lot of work to do. (I think I'll do it again later.)

    I cannot recall the Wheel of Life, but I have heard of sorting life into different facets, or dimensions, and this Wheel of Life seems to be that. Actually, I bought some Dr. Phil books a long time ago and I was just recently thinking of re-reading them (there's a coincidence for you). One of them sorts out your life components into Life Dimensions, so I plan to do your wheel of life web page again, and then go through the Dr. Phil book again.

    But right now I'm busy reading the No Arousal thread and No More Mr. Nice Guy. After those I think I'll get back to Life Strategies by Dr. Phil, and then follow the advice in that book and get my life plan going pell-mell.

    Schroedinger's Christianity

    I've talked about this before on my log. I feel like I'm not a Christian, but I keep trying to hold myself to Christian rules, which means no sex before marriage. I am screwing myself over with this. I might be able to have outercourse sexual activity outside of marriage, but really I should just admit that I either am or I am not a Christian and have a civil marriage if I'm not a Christian and a Christian marriage if I am. And then, I can have sex. (I want to have sex in marriage regardless.)

    Thanks for your support rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2019
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I think I have to to be healthy and to maintain my project of quitting porn.

    Status

    No P or M since last, or O. I would rate my sex drive as low to moderate. I think I'm defeating porn temptations fairly easily because 1) I think it's gotten into my head slightly just how extremely destructive an internet porn lifestyle is, and 2) my PMO despicable addicted brain is just using old tricks that I've gotten okay at defeating. But, I am not going to take it easy. I think I have to prepare and improve my life for when the next wave of temptations come.

    NoA

    I have read a few posts in bigbookofpenis's thread on NoA. I've gotten to {6}, but I haven't read that one yet. I think he's exactly right about everything so far. I am needlessly exasperating and irritating my sexuality by all the lustful looking I am doing, plus it also serves to keep addiction to porn running and active in my brain, as much as if I was still looking at pictures. So, too superb reasons to quit lusting and go the celibacy in body and mind approach that NoA recommends. Seriously, having an irritated sex drive does me no good, and probably wouldn't if I had a wife, either. It's much like scratching a mosquito bite, in that it only ends up itching more. (More like 100 mosquito bites.)

    So what does doing NoA look like for me? Well, I have to avoid a lot of things. Basically anything that shows female human skin below the neck, other than the arms; or the defined shape of a woman, particularly of her chest. This is what turns me on a lot, if the person is shaped anything like an adult woman. Other, more abstract things, like sexual thoughts of ideas and fantasies, also turn me on. I guess that's everything. Faces seem not to turn me on, unless it's an extremely attractive movie star or something. So, I guess I can normally look at faces as much as I like. But if I notice that I am getting sexually turned on I should change the channel or go to another web page. And obviously I shouldn't look at people in real life to drool over or to lust over, either. It's not Christian, not productive, and it halts my rebooting from internet porn.

    So, I'm being choosier about which videos and TV I watch, although I already was. (Also I am not much tempted by nudity on Netflix anymore. I guess I've gotten over it.)

    I'm going to keep my head in the game and see what else I can do to enforce NoA on me, including trying to think about positive things like love or family, if thoughts of sex come up.

    Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy! book

    I read 1-2 chapters of NMMNG recently. I really don't like to admit it, but boy am I a poster child for the Nice Guy person. I match most or all of what he says, including a heightened sexual interest and, well, possibly choosing women who aren't sexually available because I deep down think I deserve no sex at all. I'm going to follow the instructions in the book where I am vulnerable to other men about my real issues and let myself see if they judge me. @Gil79, thanks very much for recommending this book to me.

    End matter

    I'm going to keep reading the NoA thread, No More Mr. Nice Guy!, and then I think go for the Dr. Phil Life Strategies book. And, @forlorn, I intend to do the wheel of life thing again. I think I should also put some thought into improving my life to get me more of a no porn life. Maybe I should do the wheel of life thing first.
     
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  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I have to do active recovery in order to recover, and to help detox with some temptations and inputs recently.

    Status

    I am 65 days clean. I am happy about this streak. I haven't looked at porn or jerked off in that time. I've seen artistic nudity (don't go searching for this) in a music video.

    Like I said in previous entries, my sex drive seems to be returning. I leered or ogled over the artistic nudity I mentioned, and I've been tempted a lot to look up sexy or porn images, and to masturbate to a sexual fantasy. I've opened up browser windows a few times to look up sexy images, but I've closed hem all. I'm tempted to look up female people with really curvey bodies or skin below the neck showing. I know that's not a good idea, probably wrong considering Christianity, and also it's wrong for NoA, and plus it usually leads me to porn. The porn will then lead me to ever more hardcore and raunchy porn, and make me the living dead, get me in trouble with other people, keep my frontal lobes ruined, and put off having any good life I might be able to have in the future.
    (I'm glad I wrote that and that I came here to post. Apparently I needed it real bad.)

    Boy do I want to masturbate to orgasm. It's been 65 days or so since I ejaculated, and I'm wondering if it would be healthier to relieve myself. Usually I start to go crazy and let myself jerk off to orgasm every 1 1/2 months or so. Well, I've only done that about twice. So, I think I'll try it tonight, if I can do it without fantasy or mental porn imagery.

    NoA

    As you know, NoA means no sexual arousal, which means not looking at or thinking about anything that can begin to turn you on. I've agreed that I need to do NoA in order to be a half-decent, non-drooly, well-behaved sexually appropriate person; and also to quit porn. Ogling or drooling over women's bodies or the skin they show is porn lite for me. I think it will keep me just as addicted to internet porn as I am now if I keep looking at girls and women like I'm doing.

    I've been trying half-heartedly not to look at any TV, movies, images, music videos, that show girl skin or sexiness. I have been failing. I guess I've been saying to myself that it's hard to tell what I can't look at, but here's the rule I should use: If it turns me on, or if I get anything sexual out of it, I can't view it. If it turns out to be fine I'll be able to view it when I've quit porn, though I probably won't want to. I guess this is just a discipline I'll have to work on. Because right now, not only am I turned on, I'm triggered, mostly by the artistic nudity and music videos I've been watching.

    Reading another journal

    I've been reading Again, I Need A Community to Help..., a journal by @Guy_Stewart, and it's been helping me recover because it's written well and it's got the relevant advice. If I keep reading this it'll count as active recovery. I also have to keep reading the NoA thread (I guess I'm mostly done that) and No More Mr. Nice Guy! but this many things may be overwhelming me.

    For the future

    I believe that cooling it on the music videos, refusing to browse Imgur, and staying away from Instagram and Facebook are things I need to do to recover. I plan to read more books, watch more ordinary TV, and listen to the radio. I also need to do active recovery by reading Guy_Stewart's journal (mentioned above), reading the NoA thread and NMMNG! book, and maybe some fiction to rest my aching mind.

    Take care, fellow rebooters.
     
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  9. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I first heard about the wheel of life thing from a therapist. He suggested it as a good way of achieving balance in life and to recognise the parts of your life that could do with some improvement. After all, progress is what matters.

    Yes the No Arousal thread is a good read. It makes a lot of sense and while it sounds like we are living the life of a monk, as he rightly points out we don't have to live like that forever - it's just for a few months to allow our brains to heal.

    You are doing well. Keep up the clean streak and stay active in recovery.
     
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  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I MOed last night. I think it was somewhat bad MO, to fantasy. But I also think it wasn't all bad. Here are some lessons learned:
    • I watched a show on Netflix with animated nudity in it, this may have helped trigger me, even though my brother was there and I paused and fast forwarded through most of it
    • And plus I've just been plain thinking too much about sex recently
    • I was also thinking it was okay recently to have an MO for release, and maybe it was, a little
    I changed my counter so it said porn only. I'm not going to reset it because I think the important thing for me right now is to track no porn.

    The fantasy were about an ex-girlfriend. I guess I'm bonded with her due to the sex we shared. I guess I might have to get over this if I want to quit porn and masturbation, but I don't know how I am going to do that.

    NoA

    I think I've basically finished reading the recommended NoA thread posts. It's a tricky habit to get into, to try not to think about sex at all, any of the time. I guess I'll keep working on it.

    For the future

    I guess I should do that Wheel of Life thing again. I don't feel so bad about the MO, so I don't plan to punish myself for it. I think I'm safe from the chaser effect, but I'll try to make sure I practice NoA for the next 1-3 days. (And also for the rest of my life.)
     
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  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey Nuclpow, I'm glad you don't feel too disappointed about having MO'ed and I wish you well with the potential chaser !

    69 days no porn ! Lol and nice !
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I failed at the chaser, but more below.
    Yes! Exactly. I made a long streak where my life got a little better, and I wasn't uncomfortable or distressed all the time from not looking at porn. This is new for me and a big victory indeed. I am happy and I'm trying to take myself to a reward for this big win! Maybe I should buy myself a cake or a video game to reward myself for this. Seriously.

    I liked that you and @-Luke- liked my post, by the way.

    Chaser effect MO

    I didn't get much temptations for a chaser until today, where I gave in. I did an MO to fantasy based on written porn. I'm not sure whether or not to reset my counter, but I think I was a little set back at it. The key is not to keep MOing. I had a very busy (for me, relatively speaking) weekend, where I went out and met and talked to a lot of people, and I watched a somewhat sexy music video, so those things may have helped me fall into an MO, too, but I'm not sure about that.

    I seem to like written porn more than most people here. It's currently hard for me to accept it as porn, and that I'm addicted to it about as much as I'm addicted to picture/video porn. The Your Brain On Porn website says that masturbating to porn fantasy or porn memory is just as bad as masturbating to internet porn, so I guess I can't masturbate to fantasy of written porn, since written porn is just as bad as video or photo porn for me. (Or possibly worse. There's more raunchy content in written porn than mainstream video internet porn.)

    Fantasy temptation now

    The temptation is still strong to have a fantasy MO. Fantasy was the main thing keeping me PMOing earlier this year, which is one of the reasons I am resisting now. I seem only to half-believe that fantasy MO is bad for me, or that it sets me back in quitting internet porn. I guess I'll have to focus tonight on thinking about it, and be honest with myself about the consequences and morality of sex fantasy MO and what to do. I'm tempted and I don't know what to do as an alternative.

    These fantasies are uh probably incredibly improbable or impossible in real life, and always against my ideas of right and wrong to have them. Maybe I should work on my life plan instead of fantasising sexually.

    About emotional pain and me

    On the good side of things, I've talked about emotional pain on my journal before. I was right, and I think emotional pain was making me FPMO as a self-medicating anesthetic. I am in a lot less emotional pain now. I am not sure how I got rid of a lot of it, but it's helped a lot with quitting porn.

    For the future

    I think these are the things I need to do in the future to quit internet porn:
    • Continue to post this this and other journals
    • Read others' journals here
    • Maybe go over the Your Brain On Porn website content again
    • Practice an "active recovery" by doing all the above things
    • Go back on/stay on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication
    • Don't be hard on or cruel to myself
    • Write up a life plan again
    • Do more school and employment work
    • Work out something to replace my sex fantasy life
    • Read that Dr. Phil Life Strategies book
    That's a good enough list for now. I think the temptation to have sex fantasy has left me now.

    Thanks for your support, rebooters.
     
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    There is no reason to feel bad about it. You're doing such a great job lately.
     
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  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks very much!

    I think I should seriously think about rewarding myself in the near future. The reward would be A) for the recent 69 day no porn and no masturbation streak, and B) for all the effort and work I've done I started trying to quit porn. Thinking about all the effort and misery I went through trying to quit internet porn before I found Your Brain on Porn makes me want to have a long cry. Maybe I should give myself two separate rewards, one for A), and one for B).

    Here are some ideas on how I can reward myself for A), a 69 day streak with no porn or masturbation:
    • Buy movies, books, video games or board games
    • Buy myself a cake
    • I have no more ideas, but I should think of some
    Here's an idea on how I can reward myself for B), the work and discouragement and other bad feelings I have gone through in trying to quit porn since about 1997: Have a party for myself.

    Thanks for your encouragement, @Gil79, @-Luke-, @Thelongwayhome27 and anyone else who's reading or supporting me. I'm feeling a bit emotional right now, so I'm going to stop writing this message now.
     
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  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It's a tricky one. While fantasy MO is the lesser of two evils I was informed that when rebooting you're aiming to switch off the neural pathways in your brain that are linked to P. Recalling fantasy can keep those neural pathways firing so it's still not advisable for your reboot (I was told this by a professional who specialises in the treatment of porn addiction). So if you need to MO to release tension best to do it without conjuring up fantasy, such as erotic literature.
     
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  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I agree MO to fantasy is undoing progress to no porn, and fantasy based on textual porn is probably a lot worse. I agree that doing this is a bad idea. My last two MOs were to fantasy and I consider them a wrong turn and a somewhat setback.

    Recently I almost masturbated to fantasy again, but I stopped before getting anywhere.

    I think temptation to have these fantasies is going to go on for a while. I might need to get over them (and other porn) somehow. Maybe if I could:
    • Pray for the people who made the porn or who were in the porn, or,
    • If I confessed precise details about the porn I viewed to someone, or,
    • I had having a fantasy to replace it where everyone has their clothes on and does something wholesome like donates to charity,
    • Or I do something practical to help women in the real world...
    I'm going to try renouncing some things. You guys don't have to read it if you don't want to. Here I go: I wish that I had not viewed porn and I had not read written porn. I regret seeing the young women involved and I regret getting the inappropriate ideas I got from textual porn. Both of these things have always caused me setbacks... Plus I smell, lose skin quality, lose confidence and lose time if I MO to fantasy.

    There, I think that might have helped me stop FMO for a time. I'd also like to confess I've seen a couple sexual things on the WWW lately and I browsed Imgur today even though I know it's a bad idea. So, I'm not taking quitting porn seriously on the past few days. I should go over all my reasons for quitting again, but I think I should reward myself like I posted earlier before I do that. I think I need to reward myself and recharge. I also think I need to find more things to do that aren't porn, such as getting out more or pursuing school or a career.

    I think this post was rambly, but I feel like it may help block me from FMOing now and I think I wrote out the ideas that I needed to.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I feel crappy and I'm tempted to look up sexy pictures/nudity and maybe binge on porn in the future.

    Status

    I saw one or two items of porn recently when I wasn't being careful enough. I'm not sure I should reset my counter or not. I've masturbated a little to fantasy, but not the whole MO. Today I looked up sexy pictures of two women I've met in real life, but I just deleted my account on that site, so maybe the temptation has gone down.

    I feel crappy lately and not very sensible. It's the feeling of clinical depression coming to me. I'm arguing with myself on whether or not to take the medication I have for it. I think I'm one of those millions of people who's resistant to taking medication for depression, even though it would help us, and there's no good reason not to. I feel like I want to feel the awful feelings of depression to help process things that happened in my life. I should take the medication though.

    The good news is I haven't porn binged recently. I'm going through some difficulties, but it seems like some things have basically changed and it's not so easy to get me to binge on porn.

    I've also read a little more of the NoA posts. Actually I hadn't really finished it the last time, and I still haven't.

    For the future

    I'm going to continue to not look at porn, and to work on my depression and not let it put me into despair. I'm not sure if I'm going to take medication...
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    (Posted just a few minutes after the last entry.)
    I think I'm feeling crappy due to:
    • Clinical depression
    • Christmas depressing me because things are bad with a lot of family members, or just unrealistic expectations; also the stress of Christmas, like having to buy things
    • The 70+ days of no masturbation wearing me out a bit
    • Medication withdrawal
    Well, I MOed to the sexy pictures and the nude (covered up) pictures, and to unrealistic and reprehensible sexual fantasy. I feel like doing that was better than binging on porn, but that it would have been not to have all these MOs lately (four, not including the first one) to fantasy. I don't have a plan for the future to get back on track as far as quitting porn.

    I still think the most important things to get me back on quitting porn are to:
    • Reward myself for 69 days no porn and no MO
    • Complete reading the NoA thread, and read more of Guy Stewart's journal
    • Take it easy and take the pressure off myself to do with Christmas and relationships with family members
    • Go to a park to make sure I'm not stir crazy
    • Possibly going back on Cipralex is very important
    • Just rest
    I have an idea to reward myself for the 69 days no porn. I bought myself some extra video games in the last year that I've hardly played. I'll just go and play them and pretend that I gave them to myself recently. Maybe I should also buy The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for myself and play it.

    Thanks for reading. After writing this out I don't feel so alarmed by the prospect of catastrophic failure of my rebooting attempt.
     
    -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    If you have been prescribed this medication I don't see why you wouldn't take it. You should still be able to process things that have happened in your past whilst on the medication. Good idea about rewarding yourself and taking the pressure off. We need to learn how to be more compassionate with ourselves. There are millions of men out there are who are denial about their problems. Here on YBR we may not be perfect but at least we are part of a community of men who are trying to improve their lives.

    What's the issue with family over Christmas? Are you affected personally or is it general tension amongst other family members?
     
    nuclpow and Pete McVries like this.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I need the support and because I need to keep active in rebooting to quit internet porn addiction.

    Status

    I've been on Imgur too much, and I watched a TV show that's pretty tame but it had boobage (Trigger warning: I'm hoping that's slightly less triggering than saying "cleavage") and a sub plot to do with pornography. In retrospect, if I was more sensible, I could have just skipped the episode. Before that, I saw porn or nudity twice on the internet when I was being very reckless, but I'm not resetting my counter for it yet.

    And then, I think due to Christmas-related stress, I MOed to fantasy. It's better than PMOing but I have to work on it.

    Reply to forlorn

    @forlorn, thanks for your reply. I'm going to ramble when I reply to it.
    Yeah, I've been taking the anti-depressant. The way you put it makes it seem like nonsense not to. We'll try it your way.

    About us not being perfect, I agree it means something to acknowledge we have porn addiction and to try and quit.
    There's a lot of emotional or personality disordered people in my family. I'm on bad terms with about half of them (and a lot of them are in bad terms with each other). This has been going on for over ten years, and is probably made worse by my disability (autism. we're often bad at socialising). Lately I have been trying to get social relationships with some of them going.

    Alternatives and rewarding myself

    I've decided I should reward myself by:
    • Letting myself play and enjoy all the video games I bought in the past 1-2 years
    • Buying The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for myself
    • In addition to buying myself stuff for Christmas
    • I was even thinking of buying myself a pet hamster on an on-line classified ad
    My Wii remotes have run out of battery life, so I have lost that alternative no-porn activity. It's not that easy for me to go and buy things, but I should buy rechargeable ones or ask for them for Christmas.

    For the future

    Finish reading the NoA thread and read more of NMMNG!. I'm reading the NoA thread now and I'm going to drop all my Christmas plans for now to keep the stress off.

    I agree with TheUnderdog and bigbookofpenis's NoA thread that using a counter is a poor and limited way to measure progress in rebooting, and it doesn't even really do that. I don't have the energy to mark days when I masturbate or look at porn on a calendar, though. Maybe I can think of some compromise.

    Have a porn-free Christmas everyone.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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