I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I have been trying to listen and empathize more. I know I have a tendency to want to "fix" things for people. I'm impressed by your courage to go onto medication and your future plans. Though, I feel compelled to share that you may find a psychologist or therapist for free if money is a barrier. Mental health has less stigma around it and is more in the open these days. So some cities have free walk-in clinics. I know that the one in my town offers someone to talk to 2-3 times and then if you need more, they ask for a donation to keep the service free for everyone. I guess I wanted to share that because money has been an issue for me lately and I've been using the lack of it as an excuse to punish myself. Not that I assume that is what you're doing. I'm just noticing those thoughts and feelings as I respond here. :oops:
     
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  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Posting because it's been a couple days and I feel like I don't need to (which is a bad sign).

    Status

    I've been clean for about 6 days. No P, no M. Some P memory and fantasy. It's been fairly easy. I wonder if I'm in a flatline. It may also be because of the new medication, which is making me more confident. The medication is the biggest change for me recently. It may take a while for me to adjust.

    I've given up updating my calendar. It's too difficult.

    Stuff I have to work on
    • Getting myself furniture, etc., being good to myself
    • Starting regular meditation based on NewStart19's recommendsations
    • Adjusting to the sexual side of life
    • Completing online correspondence courses
    • Reading and practicing the No More Mr. Nice Guy book
    • Seeking and going to counselling (psychologist)
    I think the correspondence courses will help me rewire my brain, as long as I stay away from P and fantasy. It may be critical. It's not so easy for me so far. Stay tuned to see how far I get.

    Building girl

    I am perhaps too old to ask out the girl in my building, but friends might be fine. I should still talk to her, she's one of the few people who wants to talk to me and is good mannered when doing so.

    Porn and celebrity pictures

    I have some (softcore) porn saved on my harddrive. I haven't looked at any porn in it since I first downloaded it. I figure once I get over my urge to binge on porn I'll delete it. I feel like I'm working something out by facing that I tend to binge on porn under certain circumstances.

    I have a collection of pictures of a couple celebrities. I deleted most of the pictures that were sexy to me and any nude or explicit pictures. I haven't looked at these pictures for weeks either. I feel like these pictures are healthy as long as they're not sexual or naked and so I plan to keep them for now, and maybe get more.

    In the future

    I guess I should post again to see if I've worked on any of the above things. Stay good, rebooters.
     
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    How do you feel when you are looking at (non-naked) celebrity pictures? Do you feel excited or aroused or do you even feel a rush from the anticipation alone? The brain doesn't really know the difference between harcore and softcore or between naked and non-naked. It knows what turns you on. I think you should ask yourself the question whether these pictures could trigger you into watching something more extreme.

    I personally made the experience that viewing "safe" pictures is detrimental. But I also know that people are different and what's unsafe for one person might be safe for another person.

    I wish you the best.
     
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  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done in achieving a few days clean after that slip. Well done as well in having stopped the slip instead of it becoming a huge binge (I may have said this before but yeah I think that's a win right there). Regarding building girl, I cannot offer any advice except that I can relate to having interest in a girl and not really knowing how to develop that interest. I'm currently interested in 3 girls and for neither do I know what to do or, better said, do I have the courage to try the slightest thing. And I've been off PMO and even MO/O for a while. So no it's not all about those "super powers", at least not for me. It's something else that is missing. Though this doesn't mean I'd be in a better position if I go back to my good ol' binging ways. I'd then be even more messed up.

    Regarding the non nude pictures, I'll offer this advice. Though of course it's your call. I would say that if you want to give yourself the best chances of reducing your P use, it's better not to look at them, at least for a while. Even if it is totally healthy to be attracted to a good looking lady, for someone who is trying to get a P use problem under control, it's safer to steer clear of that, for some time at least. Just my two cents.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Posting because it's been a couple days, because I feel I don't need to, and because I acted out a little bit today.

    Status

    I've mostly been good. I watched two Netflix shows where there might have been something sexy or nudity, and I looked up a famous person and something else sexy on the WWW. But I didn't see any porn and I didn't masturbate. It wasn't very long when I did these things, either. I am going to call it a slip but not reset my counter because there was no porn or nudity.

    Celebrity pictures

    @-Luke-, thank you for your post. I agree that if I get turned on, or get my motor running sexually with celebrity pictures, I can't have them. Honestly, a lot of my slips over the past few months has been from me looking up celebrity pictures that were sexy. So, it's a bad habit that I'd like to avoid even if my motor doesn't get running. So far I haven't looked at or whacked off to these celebrity pictures that I have saved, and I don't think they're triggering me either. I think I can be honest with myself if they become triggering and just delete them in that case. Right now I think they're slightly healthy. I think they help me think of women as real, impressive people instead of sexual objects. But, if it wrecks my recovery I think I'll just delete them.

    @Thelongwayhome27, thanks for congratulating me that my slip didn't get into a full-blown relapse. It's the first time I can remember in a long time of me stopping a binge before it got really going. I think it's because I've been having anti-porn thoughts on my mind and because I've been posting here and getting posts here. I think you guys helped me stay clean. My thoughts on the building girl are that if I'm honest, I just think she's a good person and intelligent and interesting, and I'd just like to hang out with her and maybe other neighbours more often. And then yeah, more than just hanging out. Maybe I can text her that I think she's polite and half-decent a person and I think I'd like to talk to her more.

    Medication and psychologists

    I'm still on the new medication and I'm kind of tired from taking it. I'm not sure how it helps or affects me quitting porn. It's making me ramble.

    I still want to read the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. It's helpful so far. I want to get my own psychologist. I deserve it.

    Future plans

    Judging by how close I came to slipping today I think I need to re-read my quitting porn motivation and downsides to porn. I have it helpfully bookmarked, so I intend to do that just after I post.

    Stay good, rebooters.
     
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  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate here. I think a part of quitting is reprogramming our minds and our beliefs about this whole thing. By being active on a place such as this one we keep reminding ourselves how it's a wiser choice, for our lives, to recover instead of pursuing the addiction. That's also I guess how 12 step works ; you join a group where you keep talking about how the addiction isn't a wise way to live, so that you can arm yourself better to deal with the temptation. This place can be a bit like that as well. So that's good.
    It there any chance you could ask her casually to go out and get a coffee/tea/drink ? If you have interacted a bit with her already and you know she's single you can casually ask her this. Maybe even by text. Though I know it can be very scary to do. I know it would scare me. But I don't see many other ways to get to know her better then to find a way to hang out with her. Also, if you do this, my advice is to try not to have crazy expectations. Try to see that the win would be just asking her and doing it, no matter what happens. You can even expect it to go really bad. Sometimes when I do something I'm scared of, but I expect it to go really bad, I then can handle it better and even if it does go bad, I'm not that depressed about it.
    You do man. It would probably help if you find the right one.
     
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  7. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @nuclpow

    Keep at it nuclpow. Recently, the weather has been nice out where I'm at, so the walks have been great. How about you? Still walking? What about your bike? Did you get any time to get it back into working order?
     
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  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I've been to a great nearby park about 5 times already. My visits were long, about 45 minutes to an hour each, and I feel pretty fulfilled by going, or something like that. It's a change for me that I was able to do

    I haven't gotten my bicycle back into working order. I have social problems worse than the average around here, so I don't want to go into the store.

    Thanks for your reply. The rest of this post is not focused at you specifically, so you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

    Status

    I still haven't looked at porn but I am getting close today. I went to Imgur, which is a bad idea. Imgur might be to me what Facebook or Instagram is to some of us. Also I went to Instagram. I looked at sexy pictures and cosplayers. I looked at one porn site but I didn't go past the age verification page so I saw no nudity. I want to reset my counter but I shouldn't be cause I saw no porn, although it might have been porn enough to me. But this is just today.

    I've been feeling pretty sexually desirous the whole time about since last post, except for maybe today, and I've been looking up attractive girls and sometimes sexy things, even though I know that's a wrong idea if I want to quit porn. I think I've forgotten the NoA (no sexual arousal) rule.

    I am on another medication as of about two weeks ago. I think it made me optimistic and possibly has lowered my sex drive even more. Maybe it will be easier to reboot. I hope it does not give me permanent ED.

    I haven't been tempted to have much fantasy lately.

    Why I didn't binge

    I am still impressed that I didn't binge last porn session. Not with myself, but with the situation. I think not binging is a change for me. I want to set out reasons I didn't binge so I can find more of them.

    Here are the reasons I can think of that I didn't binge last time:
    • Regular meetings with a support team and my brother
    • Meetings with my step-father where we played games
    • Going to a psychiatrist and taking prescription medication that works for me
    • Having a television, VCR, video game consoles and a couple video games i like
    • Having Netflix, the ability to play DVDs, and streaming television
    • Actually watching movies, TV and playing computer and video games I enjoyed
    • I think having more furniture helped
    • Getting my old computer running like I planned
    I think daring to have those sources of media and forcing myself to enjoy myself helped a lot. I think me having things to enjoy, like family meetings and video games, is helping me not look at porn. It looks like furniture, time with people, food, medication, entertainment and games helped cheer me up so I didn't binge.

    The future

    It's going to be a while before I get a psychologist. I have a lot going on and I don't know when my stress level will get low enough for it.

    In the mean time I'll try to get less sexually aroused from the pictures I've seen lately, and then look at my life plan and try to see my next steps.

    Edited to add: I talked to someone about Building Girl, but I found out she's probably way too young for me. I'm 40 and she seems to be in her 20s. I knew that, but I was hoping she was 30. 40 and 30 seem okay to me. After I talked to this person Building Girl said hi to me, but I was too self-conscious to look at her face much and I shyly waved to her.
     
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  9. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @nuclpow

    Great to hear about the walking. I have gotten to the point over the last two months where I walk a minimum of 40 minutes every day. I don't always feel the direct effects of it, but I do think the overall quality of my life went up a bit by doing it consistently.

    Do you have any ideas about what is wrong with your bicycle? Maybe it's something you could fix at home, which would help you avoid some of the social anxiety generated by getting it fixed at a shop but still create a new avenue for getting yourself outside to enjoy the weather and fresh experience. And the exercise too. That's a sweet perk.

    I did read through the rest of your post, and I think it's fantastic that you have things available to enjoy. Makes me feel more motivated to step up my game and find more things to bolster my life with. Thanks for the reality check.

    Congratulations on the decline in bingeing by the way. Keep it up!

    Take care
     
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  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Walking to the nearby park has done me a lot of good. I went on a short walk 2 nights ago. Walks do me a lot of good.

    I used to walk more, but it might have been excessive.
    My bicycle has a flat tire. I need a pump and ideally a pressure gauge. I could also use a fixed kickstand, to fix the gears on the right-hand side, and a helmet.

    I wanted to get all these things from a close-by store, and all at once. That's probably too complicated, and I could probably buy a pump with pressure gauge at a big box store. Maybe that's what I'll do.
    Yes! I decided a while back to make my life better and also to give myself alternative things to do other than binge on porn. I was living along in a studio apartment, and I still am, so at least no family members or roommates were bugging me. I got other computers going, bought myself video games and video game consoles, got a TV and a VCR, got furniture to sit on, got Netflix and other streaming television... it changed my life! I suggest it to everyone.

    I thought I was in emotional pain, and I was, and that I had to quit emotional pain if I wanted to quit porn, and it looks like I did. So, it wasn't just other things to do than porn, it was treating myself like a human being and having more to do than a used laptop with high speed internet access.
    Thanks for the post to my journal. Replies to my journal help keep me going.

    End of reply to @NewStart19 .

    Status

    I still haven't looked at porn. According to my counter I am 18 days clean of intentional porn exposure. I've been resisting binging on porn on the WWW and intentionally looking at movies that I know are going to have nudity on Netflix.

    I think most of the ability to do this comes from:
    • From talking to others in support meetings or just seeing family
    • Having other fun things to do, mostly video games, movies and TV
    • Being good to myself
    • Trying to live life like seeking a sexual partner and work
    • Taking medication
    • Having filtering on all my computers, and other blockers
    • Amateur psychology on myself from website and books
    I bought myself adult vitamins for myself just because I loved myself and I wanted to take care of myself. I need to do that 9 to 50 times as much and then help others, too.

    Also, the new medication I'm on, Cipralex, seems to reduce my sex drive by a lot. I am having nudity or porn impulses right now but I'm fairly easily able to handle them. It's lowering my motivation, though.

    If I'm craving I think something's wrong.

    Edited to add: I deleted my small collection of softcore porn that I never looked at all of. I feel like I was attached to it and my cravings to do with it are not over, though.

    Psychologist and the book No More Mr. Nice Guy!

    I told my older male support team member, my stepfather, about No More Mr. Nice Guy! and about how Nice Guys think that if they're really nice that good things will happen for them and I'll get everything I want in life. He laughed out loud at how preposterous a comment it is, so at least I'm following the directions in the book. But I still partially believe it. I guess I should get more older male members of my support team, but I don't know how I'm going to do that, yet. I requested a meeting with my church elder, though. So, @Gil79, you've affected my life.

    I also talked to my stepfather about how I'm not a Christian and if sex outside of marriage is allowed if you're not a Christian. I think it helped a little confirm that I'm not a Christian yet, but didn't help me be ready to have sex outside of marriage.

    In the future

    I think I should figure out why I'm craving porn and what I should do with my sex drive.

    I'm tired due to the drug, so it's not a complete post.

    Edited to add: My sex drive seems to be coming back, rather than just a porn drive.

    My attracting to Building Girl is very large, but I don't know what to do because she's too young for me, being in her twenties. At least I should talk to her, though, she's kind and polite to me, and maybe we can talk more often.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
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  11. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @nuclpow

    You’re most welcome. I’m happy to hear that input from others, including me, provide you with additional motivation to recover. About your bike, you could also order some of the tools and parts required online. As for repairs, there might be some DIY videos on YouTube or someplace else. Might be worth looking up.

    Congratulations on deleting your collection. From where I stand, that’s a step in the right direction. Also, congrats on 18 days! Here’s to hoping you can form a nice friendship with the young woman in your building.

    Take care
     
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  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Really happy to hear of your progress Nucplow.

    And well done on deleting the soft core stash. It'll make temptation take a step back.

    Keep it up man :)
     
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  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    I'm still clean. Honestly I watched a movie with some sex and nudity in it, but I skipped past most of it and hid some of it with my hand in front of my eye. I'm glad I watched the movie, though. I think it won't trigger me because I was honestly just trying to watch a good movie.

    I feel tired because of the medication, and it might be ruining my motivation. Also it's making itharder to post.

    Replies
    Yeah, and accountability. It makes me feel like I'm not wasting my time here. Thanks for the suggestions about my bicycle. I think I'll try both the big store and the local store some day.
    Yes, deleting the softcore porn is an obvious move. The deeper issue is that I still feel emotionally attached to porn, and I feel like I'm going to rubber band back to it eventually. I'm trying to work up emotional relationships, but I think the key might be being open and honest about my problems with the men in my life, and also to get a couple more men in my life. And then I can talk to them and get my problems solved and notice that I don't get judged. This could help my emotional state a lot.

    I am thankful for my 20 days.

    I would love to have a friendship with the young woman in my building, if she's like what I hope she's like. Thanks for encouraging me and reminding me that this is a reasonable possibility.

    As for my progress and heading in the right direction, I think I need to keep seeing my psychiatrist, seeing more men as friends, trying to get my apartment more in order (it's mostly in order already), having fewer social problems and more friends, emotionally adjusting to the concept of marriage and sex, having actual sex, and having more fun getting out and doing things in real life.

    End section

    Good enough post for now. I gotta work on that to-do list and I think that will help keep me clean from porn, as will reminding myself that most of the time I look like an idiot to other people after I consume any significant amount of porn.
     
  14. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @nuclpow

    Sorry to hear about the effects of the medication, but--and maybe this is just me--I feel some good vibes coming from your last post. Add to that your 3+weeks of being clean and being able to resist "normal" triggers, and I'd say it looks like you're doing well.

    I love reading your frequent updates, but maybe posting less might be a nice change of pace for you. I have heard comments from some other rebooters claiming that either taking a break from the forums or posting less frequently helped aid in their recovery. Not sure if you experimented with that, but I just wanted to throw it out there. Either way, I'll still be around to read and comment on your posts.

    Take care
     
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  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Posting because I think I don't need to, which is always a bad sign, and because it's been a few days.

    The medication is making me less bothered by impoliteness and social rejection, and may be making me more confident with people. Being clean from porn is helping me be confident, too. The low motivation caused by this medication is making me not want to do chores. My motivation for quitting for porn seems to be the same.

    Are you getting some positivity from my last post? I wonder if that's related to me being more confident to socialise more, or perhaps the medication is just helping me not be miserably depressed.
    I think I'm not ready for that, but maybe in 1-2 weeks. It's something I'll have to think about. I think I understand what you mean: I've gotta get the focus off hanging around here sometime, and hang around with people in real life. That would be a healthy, needed step some time in the future.

    Status report

    I've looked at some attractive women and some skin on the internet, and I've had a lot of sexual fantasies. I think I might have relapsed except for the Cipralex. But I haven't done porn or masturbation for about 24 days.

    I've read a little of 12 Rules for Life by Dr. Jordan Peterson. It's rough to read because according to that book I am doing most of my life wrong. At least that would explain things about how rough my life gets sometimes, and that maybe it promises that it can be over.

    I haven't tried to do school for a while, or Brain Age 2, or Wii Sports. At least I'm getting outdoors and off the property more.

    For the future

    I have been listening to wise YouTube videos slightly, as an alternative to porning. It's working, but I think the main reason I'm not slipping is the medication reducing my sex drive. I think the next thing for me to work on is to make myself watch more of those wise videos and do other things that are good for me.

    Stay at it, rebooters.
     
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It is really difficult to do this on your own. Can you go to an evening school? Maybe you can even take it one subject at the time.

    I have been away from the board for a while, but I noticed that I fell back into old habits without being really aware of it. For me being active here is what keeps the momentum going.

    Keep it up!
     
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  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Posting because I think I have to.

    I've been thinking about sex, looking at pictures of attractive people and their bodies, and fantasising about sex. These are all bad ideas and are going to lead me to relapse. I think so, plus TheUnderdog thinks so in his excellent post about rebooting. I've read up to the section about adjusting your expectations about sex. I think I needed to read it very badly.

    I keep thinking about porn. I need to realise that if I have real sex they're probably not going to have infinitely perfect shaped and sized boobs, or perfect unmarked skin; they're not all going to be young, they're not going to want to have sex constantly, they're not going to want to do any possible thing for sex, and they're going to be over 25 years old.

    I also seem to have a lot of spare time, and I don't know what to do with it. I guess I have the spare time from not masturbating, sexually fantasising, looking at porn, or recovering from those activities. I guess I should work on my life plan whenever I get bored. (Actually that sounds like a great idea.)

    Life plan

    My building is going to change owners next month, and I am worried the new owners are not going to be as good. I guess it's highly unlikely that I should move considering how hard it was to get this apartment and how good this apartment is for me. I'm just afraid of things going south with the new owners, though.

    I also need to talk to my upstairs neighbours about the noise they make, including late at night. Anyone want to give me tips on that?

    I think making sure my apartment is safe and comfortable is an important part of my life plan.

    End section

    I feel pretty happy but I realise I'm in danger of slipping, so I'm working on it.
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    No porn for 32 days, according to my counter. I've been to Imgur and Instagram and I've fantasised for about 20 minutes since last post. Imgur and Instagram are bad ideas for me, so I have not been quite as clean as I would have liked to. I think the main change that's allowing me to be successful is the anti-anxiety/antidepressant drug I'm taking, Cipralex, which reduces my sex drive.

    Honestly, I could really, really stand to take a break from my sex drive. My sex drive has usually not supported me and it's been on most of the time for the last 26 years. I terribly need a break, so I don't mind cheating with a medication (if you call this cheating). I think, for whatever reason, my mind started thinking about sex way too much since I was a teenager and I haven't been able to turn it off. Whenever I tried to stop thinking about sex I would think about it more, in order to resolve something so I could stop thinking about it so much. This led to me thinking about sex, way, way too much and I feel like a victim of something now. It's been appalling, honestly.

    I think having filtering, NoFap's NSFWGuard, and Private Begone helped a lot with me quitting, too. (Private Begone closes private windows in Firefox before I can do anything with them.) Having those things on here, even though I don't use them very often, helps make me think I'm committed not to look at porn. My filtering is custom and blocks some sites that aren't porn sites, and I think that helps with the notion of being committed, too.

    Something new is me lusting over male figures. I've never been gay or bisexual before. I think my porn drive is trying to get its fix somehow, in any way it can.

    Building girl and any other women to whom I'm attracted

    I think I've decided building girl is too young for me as I'm 40 and she's about 26. But friends is okay. Sometime, when I get the nerve, maybe I can message and say "I think you're neat and intelligent, can I take you out for coffee/tea?" or is too much? Maybe I'll wait until I see her around again.

    So, my crush seems to have moved back to another woman, to whom I've referred in this blog. I guess I plan to write her an e-mail because, despite the medication lowering my sex drive, I'd really like to have sex with someone with whom I'm friends (and probably boyfriend). I'm slowly thinking up what to say, like introducing myself and showing her I'm a good guy and letting her know I want to talk to her and maybe one day have a romantic relationship with her. You readers can ask me questions on this if you want to.

    I still feel like sex is not real for me, not an actual possibility. But, I probably should make it a life goal to have sex. I'd have to trust the person quite a lot. It can't be a person I want to be friends with, it has to be someone with whom I want to have a romantic or sexual relationship. I can only think of one person I'd like to marry, and I don't think I could live with my conscience or the condemnation of others if it were sex outside of a relationship or sex outside of marriage. I guess my next step is to see if I'm mature enough to get married, so I can have sex. (I have heard that getting married just to have sex is a really bad idea, but that's not what I have in mind.)

    Life vision

    I think I'm coping with the future change in building ownership and mostly with my new medication. Here's some things that I think I want:
    • Relationships (family, friend and romantic)
    • Competent, cheerful social skills
    • Safe, healthy living conditions
    • Entertainment (movies, TV, music, books, video games)
    • Education to as much as my intelligence can reasonably handle
    • Employment
    Since going on the new medication social contempt and rejection bothers me a lot less and my self-esteem and worth are going up. It seems to be a big support in my recovery.

    I've gone over my life plan text files just now, and I think the above is a good summary for me. But actually, I think I should relax, stay calm, and enjoy myself, even though I don't have a job yet. My brain is burned out from stress (and addiction) and I'm 40 and I've really need a break. I think my brain could heal significantly in this time. Now that I'm on medication that helps me be happy, I think this is a good idea. Yeah, I'm going to see if I can take my nose off the grindstone and take a vacation with myself for a couple or several months and see what happens.

    For the future

    I'm going to try this relaxing idea and see if it helps my brain or my life. I might rent another streaming service and get more TV channels. I might hang out with friends more and play games and have fun. Maybe all that will make it easier for me to do school and get a job. And also try to have sex with a woman.
    @Gil79, I've noticed that it's really hard for me to do this course. I think you're right. I think I'll give up or just try it casually.
    Yeah, I'm gonna keep posting regularly, too. @NewStart19, this is an answer to you, too. I think I'm not ready to take a break from this board anytime soon. Thanks, though.
    Thanks for the encouragement!
     
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    It's been 38 days with no porn. I looked at graphic implied nudity on Instagram. That wasn't good. I'm still a little triggered. Of course I shouldn't have been on Instagram. I've had a few minutes of fantasies, and I've had some temptations to look up porn. The temptations seem to be going up now. I haven't been looking at content with nudity in it on Netflix, either, even though I've been on Netflix a lot.

    I'm still on the medication that reduces my sex drive. I feel like I might be cheating but I'll take the advantage. I am a lot happier and my life is a lot better. My face is clearer, I feel less guilty and anxious, and I feel more confident around people (whether attractive women or not). Things are a lot better than they were before I started my current reboot attempt.

    I have less of a porn drive now, but I still have a sex drive. I want to have a romantic, sexual relationship with some woman approximately my own age. It's something I should act on, although I still feel guilty and think sex is wrong, even within marriage. I've talked about this before, but I can't get married as a Christian because I"m not one yet, but I still want to be married before I have sex. Last time I talked about this I thought a civil marriage would do. I also have a hard time with the idea that I could nab a beautiful woman, and that I'm not doomed to be sexless the rest of my life. That would be low self-esteem, I think.

    I am thinking that at about the 1.5 month mark of no porn it would be a good idea for me to masturbate to O to sensation only.

    Life plan

    I haven't been working on my life plan because just changing medications changed my life enough that I think I need to write another life plan document. I already said this, but the medication has helped me with my low self-esteem and some of my depression, so that's two major items on my life plan completed. Also, I feel a lot better, so I am different now and need double check my life plan to see if it's what I really want.

    I could use more furniture (I know I keep saying that), and I want a friendship with building girl and a romantic relationship with the woman I like romantically (a different woman). My plan was to e-mail her some self-deprecating e-mails and tell her all of how I feel and see if she replies.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    44 days no M or P or O. Six days since my last post. I feel somewhat okay.

    I think about half of my success in abstaining from PMO is due to my medication lowering my sex drive. The other half is I have made my life much better, and some willpower. I keep going on about this but I want to make the list of how I've been making my life better again:
    • Eating enough and somewhat healthy
    • Seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication
    • Keeping my apartment clean, organised and healthy
    • Plenty of video/computer games to play
    • Plenty of TV and streaming services, movies on tape/disc to watch
    • Less antagonistic with other people somehow
    • Taking care of day to day things
    • Filtering on all my devices, browser extensions to turn off NSFW reddit and private browsing windows
    • Some contact with fellow people
    Emotional pain

    I have written about emotional pain a few times on my journal. I think I was on the right track to do that. I think I'm in less emotional pain and it's not as acute, now. This is a major change for me. Like I said, I feel like emotional pain was driving my addiction to porn and masturbation to sex fantasies. Now, my emotional pain is much lower and less sharply painful.

    I think the reasons my emotional pain is all I just mentioned above in this same journal entry. Mostly I think it was because of:
    • Better relationships with other people
    • Being on medication
    • Having a clean and organised apartment
    • Having plenty of media and games to view or play
    I know that's redundant, but getting out of emotional pain is a very big deal for me. I am so glad that I got motivated to make the life changes to get out of it. This channel, and my addiction to internet porn, helped me do that.

    For the future

    I think I will pay for a second streaming service to help rest my aching brain and emotions. I know that my sex drive is reduced because of medication so I want to keep working on breaking or replacing my internet porn addiction in case my sex drive comes back, or just to improve and have more of a life. I still aim to:
    • Work for money
    • Get better socially
    • Have more friends
    • Have a girlfriend or a sex or married partner
    • Have my apartment more organised
    I'm doing okay, but I have to get back to work. Take care, rebooters, and thanks for the encouragement and likes you've posted to my journal.
     
    -Luke-, Thelongwayhome27 and Gil79 like this.

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