I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Fantasy is really difficult to deal with. You can just do it whenever you want. I notice though that after 2 weeks of no fantasy or ogling it gets way easier. Try to keep your fantasies at 2 seconds max.

    If you think there may have been abuse in your past, I'd definitely go look for a psychologist. You dont (or shouldnt) have to do it on your own.
     
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  2. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    I've read a good portion of your journal when I was lurking on this forum, and honestly it brought tears to my eyes when I realised you've been at it for more than seven years. That said, I believe you've become more healthy and more honest than you were in the first years of journaling. You wrote something similar before, that even if we might fail and it might be hard, every bit of hard work and positive attitude will return some good and slowly we'll be able to build on that. It was eight years ago that I was heavily depressed, addicted to P and video games. I would only leave the house to get groceries. I had no friends, no job, no education, was living on money that my grandparents had saved for me. I don't know why I'm telling you this, if only to say that I recognise some of your pain and that I admire your determination in spite of it.

    I'd like to echo @Gil79 and stress that a psychologist could be a great help. But if there are golden rules in mental health it's A: unsolicited advice is often unhelpful and B: getting help is only going to work once you're ready for it. So, you know, keep doing what you believe is best. That's the only way that works, in my experience.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I PMOed yesterday. I don't remember what started it, but at a certain point I started looking up either sexy pictures or pictures of celebrities on the WWW. I was jerking off for 1 or more hours, but porn use was small. I talked myself into stopping the porn binge by asking myself if I wanted to be socially anxious and ashamed around any women and other people, some attractive, for the next 3-4 days. This worked, I stopped. It's probably just as well, too. I would have paid for porn with my credit card if the statement wouldn't be on my bank records (possibly forever) and I didn't know that that site was immoral and exploitative to young women who don't know what they're getting themselves into or doing.

    The long, vivid dreams are continuing as long as I'm not consuming porn. I feel somewhat good, actually, and still a little bit confident.

    I feel like that I am interested in paying for porn is a sign that I'm quitting porn, like a final hurrah, an extinction burst) maybe. I haven't been tempted much by seriously considering it previously.

    Added after I wrote everything else in this post: No, what triggered trying to make myself go to church on Sunday. It was hard for me and I went and thought about sex, had sex fantasies, looked up sexy or attractive pictures, and sooner or later porn, over 1-9 hours of masturbating and sexual thoughts and imagery. Eventually I slept. (I don't feel bad about not attending church, if it helps any.)

    This might have been the part that triggered me. My soul really, really doesn't want to give up sex fantasy. Your advice was good. I tried it, but I think it'll be a while before I can do that. That time, 2 seconds, is the same amount of time I think it's okay to look at men and women. I wonder if that's coincidence.

    Thanks, @Gil79. I think that's the typical advice. The abuse may not have been extreme, and I don't know if it was sexual or not, I'm thinking about getting a psychologist again.

    Longer than that. The Your Brain On Porn website, The Underdog's Top Three Mistakes Rebooters Make (no URL for now), and his My Thoughts On Rebooting post have all been highly helpful to me, especially Gary Wilson's Your Brain On Porn videos and site. I'm about 2/3s the way through the steps in My Thoughts On Rebooting, which I mean to write about later.

    I know I am a lot healthier, but I am more honest? Really? That's humbling, but I assume you are right. Well, that would be good progress. Honesty's always good, and will probably help in every other area of my life such as employment and having a girlfriend.

    There are many gaps in my 7 year time here, where I stopped trying or was dealing with other things for a while. So it's not like a hard, continual 7 year slog.

    Yes, any work done to quit porn stays with you if you keep at it. You are right, whenever I PMO, if I go back to earnestly trying to reboot, all the work I've done in the past eventually comes back. I regret trying over, and over again on willpower though, as TheUnderdog's My Thoughts On Rebooting (linked above) says not to do. I think I drained or wore out the willpower I had. However, all the other things I did, like switch to hosts file filtering helped.

    I've seen you around on other journals and liking posts there. Are you new here? You seem in earnest and truthful. Are you getting any better from all of those things now?

    Okay, okay, I'm thinking about a psychologist again.

    End of replies to other people.

    Reading My Thoughts on Rebooting again

    I put TheUnderdog's epic post in my bookmarks before my journal so I'd read it before I posted here. This has worked out well, because it turned out that I really, really needed to. Unfortunately the link to his post Top Three Fatal Mistakes Rebooters Make isn't working anymore. I could probably really stand to read that again, too. It seems to have 3 or more sections. Roughly they're, A) don't use willpower to try to rewire, "abstinence is not recovery", B) work on a Life Plan and make your life better, and C) don't think about sex all the time!

    I think I have been doing A and B fine recently, but not C. I didn't even read the section C for a long time until today or yesterday. I really needed to read it, too! I think about sex all the time, almost constantly. I think I'm sex-obsessed. I wrote about this previously in my journal. I think about sex all the time, and I don't know how to stop. I'll go and reread the section again, now.

    It says not to fantasise, look up pictures of women, or think about sex or women. I knew about the first three, but I had forgotten i(f I ever knew) not to think about women. I suppose working on section C is next on my to-do list for quitting porn and rewiring.

    All that said, I do not plan to give up on "positive fantasies" (thinking about talking to, being near, looking into the eyes of, touching, kissing, open mouth kissing or cuddling an appropriate woman in real life) or the sexy pictures I have on my harddrive. (Not extremely sexy, just very sexy to me , because I like the people involved or something.) And I still might try to think about sex for other reasons. We'll see how that goes.

    Filtering

    I got another computer online, and in 1-2 days I added the shell scripts that help me update my hosts file blocklists to that computer. Again, when I went to do it, I felt like I really, really didn't want to. Fortunately it was not so hard to force myself to do it, but a part of me kept saying that I didn't need to, or that it was technically a bad idea, or I should leave it open. That's my horrendous addicted brain... What porn has done to me... I should want to kill it, kill it with fire 50 times over, and over again.

    I also disassembled a computer, in a step to get rid of it eventually. If I disassemble and recycle, sell, or give away 6 more computers I will be down to 2 computers, which is a reasonable amount. Holy cow I really have 8 computers in the house, and a smartphone. No wonder I find it tempting. So I'm glad I at least got that done.

    Treating myself like a human being

    A few posts ago I posted I should "treat myself like a human being" (under Lessons Learned). It was by doing this on Saturday or so that I got my other computer going and the other one disassembled. I badly needed to get that computer going. I'm having some difficulties with this computer and it's not even fast enough to play YouTube at the moment. The other computer will help me watch Netflix and other video and play games, while not being triggered by a large screen and stylish computer case. It made me happy to get that computer repaired and upgraded. I was smiling all day when I had done it. I amstill in a good mood, now.

    Relaxing

    I think I'm more of a nose-to-the-grindstone recovery type person. Lately I have been trying to relax because I think it will help, and plus I just have to treat myself like a human being if I want to do well in life or if I want to rewire from porn. (Previously mentioned, under Daydreaming and relaxation.) Brain Age 2 recommends relaxing in order to recover your brain power, too. So I've got to relax.

    It is not so easy to relax! I feel so guilty, or I feel like I can't be cocky in the future because I'm always working (this last part is silly, but it's what I'm like). I think I am closest to relaxing when I am playing Wii Sports, or watching TV or movies I really like, or am eating something I like. Actually I haven't played Wii Sports much or at all recently. But I do feel a lot more positive and "real" when I play it, so I should.

    Daydreaming (positive fantasising)

    Even though I want to obey TheUnderdog's post, I am still going to encourage myself to try to have positive fantasising. I actually think this might be required to reboot, and I don't think it makes me slide into relapsing, so I intend to continue. Actually, even today thinking about daydreaming about dating reminded me that it would be okay to think about talking to attractive women. I guess the next step would be to imagine what to say that would make her happy and want to talk to me more. (I just made this list above, but I want to write it out again.) Here are some things I think it might be okay to fantasise about doing with a woman I romantically like:
    • Seeing them
    • Talking to them
    • Making small talk
    • Asking them out
    • Going out to a cafe or ice cream place
    • Going out to a nice restaurant
    • Having a romantic date
    • Having a romantic evening together, with candles and dimmed lights (I should be careful with this one, maybe)
    • Playing a board or table-top or card game together
    • Singing or dancing together
    • Watching TV or movies or playing video games together (maybe be careful with this one, too)
    • Going to a movie together, or art gallery or museum, or some other interesting place
    • Meeting her friends or family, her meeting my family
    I think fantasising about all this is good, and not harmful, and will help me have a sane and healthy relationship with a real romantic partner, and to reboot from porn. So I plan to make myself think about all these things again, and think about how to put it into action. (That last part, about putting it into action, might be something TheUnderdog would approve of, judging by what he's written in the My Thoughts On Rebooting post.)

    Not touching my dick

    Still hard. I'm not so much touching it, directly or indirectly, but I let my penis get into positions where things are squishing it or rubbing against it, and I don't adjust it to be free. This is a slight amount of masturbation, I think. It's something I need to work on.

    Final section

    I'm getting a lot of support from fellow rebooters in the 29-50 age bracket, which makes sense. Thanks, guys, You're helping give me confidence in trying to quit.

    I plan to do all I say above, but also to keep treating myself like a human being and to get myself more furniture and movies I like, and maybe more IRL friends while I'm at it. (Whether or not they're attractive women.) This last idea is probably a terrific one... it would be really good for my social skills and mental wellness to have actual IRL friends to talk to and deal with on a mostly daily basis.
     
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  4. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Yeah, going on willpower doesn't seem to be sustainable. That might not have helped too much. At least you've learned that it didn't, and by sharing that process on your journal you allowed me to learn that as well.

    I'm new, I've only accepted that I was P addicted over the summer. When I was in the pit at the start of my therapy I read a lot of journals here and they helped me form a theory and a plan to deal with my addiction. Now that I've signed up here I feel the need to respond to all that have helped shape my recovery. Thanks for the compliment! I've been getting much better.

    Haha, I hope you find a good one!
     
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  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Why do you think that is? Were you never allowed to relax or does it make you uncomfortable? A really nice way to relax for 'the unrelaxable' is yoga. Because you are doing mild activity while your mind gets into a relaxed state.
     
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  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    If I've saved you or anyone months or years of trying what doesn't work, that sounds like a good thing to me. It sounds like you were wise to learn from the mistakes of others before making them all yourself.

    I don't think I was ever allowed to relax, now that you ask. Thought maybe I was, but I didn't let myself, or that I didn't know I could. Yes, I am thinking about the psychologist stuff again, but I have a lot going on right now.

    I feel bad relaxing because I think I should work hard at ceasing to be a bad person, or of quitting porn, or of improving my life, or of helping others. Probably you are right if you say there are limits to how much I can do for those things and that I should force myself to take significant breaks. I also seem to be ambitious, or driven, and to have that personality trait called conscientiousness. Dr. Jordan Peterson says that people with this trait feel like they're doing something wrong whenever they're not working on something and that sounds like me. I feel bad if I try to relax.

    I don't really have a plan for giving myself permission to relax, but yoga could be great. I was thinking also of going to a martial arts class, if I will actually go. Maybe if I had a regular TV schedule with about 1 show per day. I have only very few channels and I don't like any of the shows on them, so I might have to use websites and streaming sites. Maybe just the schedule itself is what I would need to do in order to relax... I think I talk about this a little below, that or the calendar.

    @Gil79 and @SeekingWisdom, you have made me think that me avoiding having a romantic relationship is immature and is setting back my recovery. Your logic might be right about me putting off real sex being an excuse to stay addicted to porn. I mean to open myself up to dating, even with the problems I have. I'm unsure whom to date or whether or not to be sexual outside of marriage, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks, guys.

    Status update

    1-2 (F)PMOs since last. I added about 5 sites to my hosts file block list. It's so tedious doing this that it might be punishment for me looking at porn. Yesterday, my stepfather asked me what I watched on Netflix, but I didn't tell him the truth because I knew that the one I had started to watch was wrong. It's still tempting me, and this afternoon I kept going back and forth from viewing porn. Remembering you guys in this forum, my support team, and how I'd have a much harder time than usual standing up for myself encouraged me to keep quitting. In the end it wasn't a binge, but it was still a PMO. Do you all think I should do anything to punish myself for willfully having fantasies or peeking at porn? What about rewarding myself from refraining from those?

    Here's what seem to be my triggers or weak points:
    • Stress (any kind)
    • Lack of sleep or tiredness
    • A hard time with social things, and getting social rejection (also causes me stress)
    • Sexiness and sexual temptation
    My stress is because I am trying to quit porn, seeing a psychiatrist, trying a different medication dose, getting social disgust or rejection, planning a trip and dealing with family members socially, social stresses with my neighbours, trying to keep up with life with a disability, quitting a lot of chatting on the Internet (a significant life change), opening myself up to dating, and getting dental work done. Whoa, that's a lot, no wonder I am stressed. I guess I should scale it back and take it easier again. I'm glad I took the time to write all that down.

    I reset my counter, but TheUnderdog is right. I should be using a calendar instead, and instead mark every F, P, M, O and tally them at the end of the month. It's starting to be hard on me to reset the counter, and I think it's not helping the other members here. I don't have the energy to do this, but maybe I will think of something.

    Positive and negative fantasy

    I still think daydreaming about touching and kissing a real woman, whom I know, might be a realistic fantasy. I think it might be encouraging me to behave and to get my life in order, so I can actually do some of these things. For quitting the horrible, bad, negative fantasies, I have no sign of progress but I intend to keep trying.

    Dating

    I already mentioned opening myself up to dating. I have had girlfriends, but it was a long time ago and I am not wealthy, don't seem to have good social skills, and don't really know how to date. I guess I can get advice and also practice. I am unsure, is it a calamity to date someone you want to keep as a long term friend, or just a good-terms acquaintance? I am very far from dating, I think, though my looks and confidence have gotten several times better since I started this rebooting attempt a few months ago.

    Final section

    I'm going to try to socialise well enough to date, and think about making a schedule to reduce my stress level and help keep myself accountable for FPMO.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2019
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  7. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    In many ways P addiction reminds me of a burn-out. In almost every journal I read the people are exhausting themselves, forcing themselves to do all these positive things and putting huge amounts of pressure on themselves to be good. To recover from a burn-out one has to stop all that. One would need to rest from all the exhaustion for three or four weeks and then slowly build up activities, while learning to respect their limits. But that's only going to work if we can take away the need for being exhausted and stressed out. Because that's what the P addiction is giving us, and for some reason at some point that's what we decided to add to our life. In my case it was to avoid ever being angry. Being constantly burned out I didn't have the energy to get mad. Now that I'm recovering I do get angry and it's very hard! But by now I'd rather deal with that emotion than deal with all the crap P addiction brings me.

    Well that's how I see it anyway. Maybe you can work with some of it. :oops:
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    This may be a really good insight. Probably a lot, or most, of us are being way too hard on ourselves and it may be causing burn-out and exhaustion. I think I will think about maybe having to force myself to take a vacation, even if it's like that wastes time. At least I will be able to think about what I've done.

    I think I will also try to remember to go easier and be less demanding on myself. I possibly ought to relax and have more fun. I guess there's diminishing returns for keeping your nose to the grindstone, and it's maybe egotistical or even conceited to think I can do all that I seem to want to.

    Update

    Yesterday I had porn temptations. I notice it happens every day after I feel like I have spent my day well, and I feel I should reward myself with porn. Yesterday I refused this porn temptation for possibly 45 minutes. After I had solidly chosen not to look at porn, immediately, the other idea came to me of listening to interviews or lectures on YouTube. This was wholesome and appropriate, not like porn. So I did and I enjoyed myself and didn't look at porn.

    Lessons learned:
    • Every time I solidly turn down porn I sooner or later do something good
    • Lectures and interviews with intelligent people on YouTube are a good way to spend time, if I don't have to do something else
    Eventually I PFMOed, which means I did fantasy, sexy/nude images or movies, porn and masturbation to 1 orgasm yesterday. I did a little more this morning, too. The only thing that stopped me was the idea I would look stupid to real good-looking young women in the next 1-3 days.

    I think I pushed myself into FPMO by getting too stressed about social things and people, pressure or stress to do with a woman on whom I have a crush, and stress and pressure to do with going to church tomorrow. (This woman on whom I have a crush is not the same as the woman in the building I like.) I notice almost all my pressure and stress has to do with people and socialising. Should I just ditch the crush I have on this woman?

    I plan to go to church. I think I should have to go no matter how much PMO or sexual sins I do.

    Filtering

    I added Private Begone to both setup of Firefox I use. It works by closing a private window I open right away. In this way it disables private browsing for me. I should have set up this add-on years ago. I think this will discourage my porn use, since "private browsing" sometimes made it seem all okay in my mind. That idea might be awful. I think the add-on is helping.

    My aim is still to reduce myself to two computers and probably a dumb phone.

    Life Plan

    I have anxiety about upcoming dental surgery. I Jordan Petersoned one of my harddrives (I cleaned and organised most of it). I read chapters of the Bible to help me not be a fool and to have better socialising. It looks like a lot of Proverbs is about dealing with people.

    I still seem to be starting a small business to make money with my technical skills. It is causing me some stress, and I don't know if I should do it. At least, I don't think it should be the main goal in my life. I would rather have wellness and school than a small business. I am glad I wrote this out because starting a business is a significant life change and I need to think about it. I think I will pursue it, but the idea is that it won't interfere with my main goals of health and school.

    End section

    Too much reading and posting here can lead to FPMO. I am thinking I should read and post every 2-5 days. Too much and I'll sexually act out, too little and I'll forget I'm trying hard to quit porn and related sexual acting out.

    Don't get sad from my journal. My life gets better when do nothing foolish and if I work (carefully) instead of PMO. I'm grateful for this website and the people helping on it. My head is clearer compared to when I started this last rebooting attempt, and my life is more organised. As long as I try intelligent, honest and committed strategies to quit porn, my porn use goes down and my social confidence goes up. I also have to turn down fantasy and porn, though.

    Keep at it, rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2019
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Update

    I watched a movie with partial nudity and constant references to sex and pornography yesterday. I didn't PMO but it was pretty bad and I was probably wrong to do it. I might be a little triggered until I make amends to the universe or something, somehow.

    I was mildly triggered by some content on television this evening. I was not seeking porn, so it was not a serious trigger. I guess I just can't watch television much, at least not the commercial channels.

    I have not F/PMOed since Friday, I think.

    I was tempted today. Remember how I said I get into a state in the evening where I want to reward myself with nudity or sex? I had that today, but instead I turned on some talk YouTube, mostly Jordan Peterson. I feel better.

    I did not go to church, and I'm thinking that I should give up on going.

    Filtering

    My hosts file blocklist and Private Begone are helping. I am not tempted by porn every 10 seconds anymore. I used to be, sometimes, too.

    Counselling and books

    Many people in real life and here have told me to get a psychologist. I'm definitely reading enough books and listening to enough audio by psychologists, with that and what everyone's saying I guess I really need one. (Or two.) Maybe I can call several later this week.

    End section

    I think I should continue to get more alternative activities than porn, continue to post here, continue to behave well and wisely, and see a psychologist. A lot of you liked my last post. I best it was for different reasons, but it's interesting.

    Be good, rebooters.
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I have to be more careful as well with the "mainstream" content I choose to look at. I don't like to be too rigid about what I allow myself to look at when it's non intentional but in the same time it's hard not to see how certain stuff can (potentially at least) trigger me and add up in time. Maybe being humble about this isn't a bad idea, at least in more initial stages of recovery.

    Well done !

    I am curious, why give up on this ? If you don't mind me asking. Maybe it can be something positive ?

    I also like what you mentioned in your last post regarding the Bible and how it has some advice about how we can deal with other people. I would agree there is good stuff in there. Even if one is not necessarily strongly religious.
     
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  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Bad habits I have to give up in order to give up porn:
    • Trying to look at famous or beautiful women or girls on the WWW
    • Watching movies with sex or nudity in them on Netflix
    • Touching my member indirectly or directly, or letting things touch it such as my clothing or my laptop computer
    • Fantasies of sex or nudity
    • Thinking of sex or nudity for entertainment purposes
    • Edited to add: Scoping out or ogling real women
    I need to practice NoA as TheUnderdog says to in his epic rebooting post.

    I think it's okay to have good fantasies of romance and non-sexual, consensual, touching. I guess fantasies like this are okay as long as we stay vertical and the lights stay on full. I think these fantasies lead me to taking more responsibility, and daydreaming about girls leads to me trying to get my life more in order and to be more acceptable to women.
    Has there always been so much references to nudity and sex on television, or is it because I'm trying to practice NoA, or because I'm seeking porn?
    Thanks!
    I think I should keep going to church in mind. Maybe I will be able to go a times before the year is over.
    Yeah, I was raised religious, and I still have a lot of religion in me. I don't even know whether or not I am a Christian, which is causing some difficulty in my rebooting because I'm confused about whether or not to allow myself to have sex outside of a church-officiated marriage. @SeekingWisdom tried to speak some sense into me but I lost track of what he was saying. This isn't what you were talking about, but it's something I have to work out.

    I think God wouldn't mind me having sex outside of a church-officiated marriage as long as we were in fact married, just not having a church involved. We can always get it officiated later.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
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  12. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    I think you're right that fantasies like these are good for you. They are motivating and help you rewire your attention towards healthy relationships. I hope you're not feeling bad about it!
     
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  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I think TheUnderdog says not to do it in the My Thoughts On Rebooting post, and I don't want to give bad advice, or get the others irritated with me. But, I agree exactly with what you say about them being good for me because they motivate me to meet and have real, healthy social interactions and to rewire me to healthy relationships with women. I think they do.

    A few posts ago I said I should make myself have more good fantasies. I think it's about the same, but I plan to keep trying more. Whenever I start to have a good fantasy I'm reminded that my life sucks, and I (seemingly) suck, and no healthy, realistic woman would want an close romantic relationship with me. (And rightly so, that would be a good decision on their part, so far.)

    So, whenever I start the fantasy I think about cleaning up my face, getting neater clothes, completing cleaning and organising my apartment, being finishing school and getting employed, getting better social skills, and maybe a sligihtly better personality. Though probably none of these need to be perfect or even great for me to start dating and have sex.

    In other news...

    No FPMO since last. I still keep looking at sexy photos or music videos. I don't know if this always leads to FPMO, but it's probably stupid. I am keeping some sexy (not naked) photographs on my harddrive. I think I can get rid of most of them, but honestly I think a beautiful woman in non-sexual clothes is going to do me good by helping me deal with and handle the concept of real women. I don't think it leads to slipping, but I plan to keep track. TheUnderdog says not to, but I plan to try it and tell you all what happens.

    About 6 posts ago I talked about being incredibly overwhelmed with women's sexuality, if they show a bit of something, like a leg. It's a lot less bad now, I think because I'm committed to trying to reboot and because I'm back on a medication that seems to reduce my sexuality. Anyway it's not so bad.

    I started an FPMO tracker spreadsheet. (This may be my fourth one.) I don't want to make a Google Docs spreadsheet out of it, but I plan to post it here at the end of every month. I'm intending to record any intentional fantasy, sexy content, nudity, porn, masturbation and orgasm. If I do a healthy masturbation or orgasm I plan to record those, too, but make a note of it. I'm leaving the spreadsheet window open so I can update it whenever I need to.

    I think what sends me to F and P is rejection or failure in real life. My plan is to get more stuff to do to live a civilised life. I need to get or do these important things:
    • Furniture. It's better than it used to be, but I need a lot more
    • Fix both my computers, or buy a used one if I can't get them fixed
    • Get DVD playing working on my computer again
    • Sell or salvage all but two of my computers
    • A little more clothes maybe so I feel slightly more confident in going outside
    • Beard grooming kit for the same reason
    • After-shave or cologne
    • Video games I enjoy
    I feel better after writing that list. The last time I posted lists like this here, I got half the items, which is pretty good for a plan. This list might do as my Life Plan for now.

    One other note. I said that there's a time of day when I'm particularly tempted by porn, and that it feels like I should reward myself with nudity or sex for working hard that day. To be blunt, I wasn't working hard in the slightest. It's just my despicable addiction doing its darndest to keep me in addiction to internet porn... My plan is still to watch lectures and interviews on YouTube from intellectual people, and better yet, get some chores done while they're one. This seems like a good solution for now.

    I feel like if I keep working on my life and refraining from FPMO I will keep getting better, and it will keep getting easier for me to wire to real people, and that I'll eventually be able to do it. I need a more furniture and video games, though. I still feel confined and a prisoner in my apartment. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still a bad idea to do nothing about it. I feel like my emotional pain is making most of my sexual acting out happen. Be good, rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2019
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  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think the part I bolded out is very true. And both of these elements can be mutually enforcing. Working on ourselves helps us go out and meet people/date whereas doing this can motivate us to further work on ourselves. The important part is to have patience with the process and understand where we are (so we don't get overly negative or frustrated and unwittingly turn a positive effort into a "fail" in our mind). Realistic expectations also help as too idealistic ones can also turn us to a gloomy mood when we don't meet them.

    Also, it's good you're identifying elements to work on, guided by your goals and ambitions. If you find there are too many you can always pick 1, 2 or 3 that are the most important to you and work on those. I would also stress that remember that you already have value as a person no matter what you do to "improve" yourself. It's because you already have value that you deserve to take care of yourself and help yourself out further on.
    I have a folder on my computer where I save some images I stumble on of girls I find pretty (like in articles online or whatever). But it's not in a sexual way. It's girls I genuinely find beautiful (as a woman, as a human). It doesn't seem to have any connection with my lusting and my sexual addictions, it's not the same type of appetite. I don't feel it's something wrong and what it does it inspires me to reach for the kind of life I want (and it doesn't do so in a negative self blaming way of why don't I have this already I'm a looser). It's simply peaceful inspiration. Also I don't collect thousands of so pictures, therefore it's not an obsession. Only a few when I find a girl that is truly pretty and makes me feel something deeper. I think this is similar to the healthy type of fantasy you are talking of. And many successful people have "dreams" right ? Having "vision" isn't a bad thing, quite the contrary I would think.
     
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  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    This seems like good advice. I think holding myself accountable for increasing my dating life might be a good idea. It would be okay for me to go on dates if I wasn't supposed to be doing naything else, I guess.

    I have photos of a famous woman. I even have one of her in my closet. I don't know if this is silly or not. I think the photos are not sexual, and they give me pleasure and help me be in a good mood. We can talk about what is right or wrong for rebooting, here, but I think I should just try having pictures, and not, and see what happens. I think I don't have as many pictures as you do, though. Are you sure it's working for you to help you rewire from porn and to real women? I agree that it doesn't seem to be the same appetite.

    Status update

    I just had a relatively small FPMO. (I mean it was some fantasy, some porn.) I was going to come here today and say "I'm on a non-PMO high, and I'm going to PMO very soon." Well, I was right. I did. The triggers were:
    • Thoughts of how rough my life is
    • Thoughts of other people getting married, and how to pressure myself into dating and getting married (see the previous item on why that might be hard), and
    • Probably triggering nudity on television last night and Netflix today (I wasn't intentionally seeking either, but it probably still triggered me)
    Filtering

    I got around one of my filters because I forgot to put in a Firefox add-ons. I've put it on now.

    Psychologist and No More Mr. Nice Guy book

    I have a lot going on, psychologically, but I am still hesitant to see a psychologist. It costs money, but mostly I think I'm avoiding getting better. Maybe next week I can try calling them. My dental appointment that I was stressing over has turned out mostly okay, but I'm still fairly stressed, and I plan to skip seeing the psychologist and see only my psychiatrist next week.

    I also read more of the No More Mr. Nice Guy book, which I think might help me.

    Final section

    My plan is to continue to treat myself like a human being, continue to do anything except PMO, and see how much progress I make from there. This pattern seems to work for me so far.
     
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  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well I don't know. I really doubt it's doing any harm. I rarely look at that folder, there are not many pics in there, and it's mostly about capturing a girl's beauty or femininity. Maybe it can inspire me to go meet a girl in real life, or have no effect. But I don't think it's gonna activate any P related pathways, it's really not the same feeling. I would say it's more something romantic then sexual.
     
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  17. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Sounds like a great plan.
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I think you're getting to the point of it, @Bezoechow. That seems to be what you do. I appreciate it. I think stopping being cruel to myself is a lot of my cure.
    Okay. I thought I'd test you to see if you were authentic. I probably didn't need to do that, but you were nice in your reply anyway. I think one or some pictures is okay for me, I am unsure about how many. I am sure that if the picture is sexual or of course nude in any way it's a bad idea. I'm unsure about just plain sexy pictures, but I am avoiding them for now.

    I am going to make myself think about having real sex. Maybe I should buy some condoms and sex manual without pictures. I could learn about fertility and how to avoid pregnancy. I guess my next step is to research condoms, where to buy them, the birth control pill and other education about women's fertility before my next post. I also have to learn how to talk to women, how to talk to them about the relationship, and about sex, and to decide which kind of women, or woman, with whom to have sex.

    I am having trouble with the idea of sex outside of a relationship, or a sexual relationship outside of marriage, still. I think thinking seriously about it is doing me good. I have reminded myself a few times in my mind that I am no longer 18 years old and that it's perfectly allowed, even recommended, that I have sex with a real woman. I just don't know with whom, or in what kind of relationship, yet. I think I would prefer a committed, exclusive, civil marriage with a woman near my age, though God might get me married instead. It could be my fear of Christianity and God that's keeping me refraining from sex, which is harming my porn quitting project.

    I PMOed I think yesterday. I don't really know what caused it, but I got around my filters. Next thing to do is to tighten them up a bit. I need to find out how to make the Simple Blocker case insensitive, but for some reason I don't want to.

    I made a PMO tracker spreadsheet. I have done this before, but now is the latest try. It's on my computer, and on Google Docs like TheUnderdog recommends in his My Thoughts On Rebooting post. I even use a colour scheme like he recommends. I use green for no wrong activity; yellow for seeing nudity or sexuality, if intentional or through not being careful enough; orange for fantasising or masturbating; and red for porn. I write down letters for all of these things, along with a number measuring about how long I did it, or about how many times. I record orgasms but they don't get a colour since it's what leads up to them that I need to record, anyway.

    Here's my attempt to paste it:
    September
    Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7
    unknown FM S2F2M5P2 S2F3
    F1M1 N2S2
    8 9 10 11 12 13 14
    FSPM P20M15OSN6
    15 16 17 18 19 20 21

    22 23 24 25 26 27 28

    29 30

    A bad paste, but at least you get the idea.

    For my plan for having things to do other than porn I think I'm about half-way there. I don't think I need to buy any more games or streaming media services. However, I need furniture and some other outdoor or physical activities. It is not so easy for me to do those things due to my disability and being socially rejected. At least, for now, I have enough entertainment. It seems to be good for me, I am sometimes being good to myself, which is good.

    My stress is high from getting through the dental procedure, from abstaining from internet porn (I guess), from starting a side business, from planning to see a psychologist, from improving one of my computers, from getting into fights (psychological, not physical) with neighbours and just about everyone else, from taking care of my apartment, from participating in here maybe too much, and some other sources of pressure and stress on myself. I guess I be easier on myself.

    End section

    This post was more incoherent and wordy than most. I seem to have a lot going on, so I guess my next plan is just to get more furniture and physical activities, and to take it easy on myself for a while. And maybe not get into (mental) fights with everybody. And also the real research on condoms and women's fertility.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2019 at 12:05 AM
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I forgot to limit Netflix and PMOed today. I had no plan to limit it, which is probably why I failed. It might be good if I had to wait 2-3 hours before I could see anything, and if somehow I could not select streams with gratuitous sexuality and nudity. I don't have solutions for either of these at the moment.

    I haven't fixed my Firefox Simple Blocker to be case insensitive yet either. I don't know how, and I guess my stress level is too high.

    I read my journal from a year ago. My goodness, I needed help. I'm so glad for many improvements in my life. Getting a TV, furniture, games and streaming services has really helped and so has cutting off contact with abusive and manipulative family members. My life is substantially better since I started this current rebooting attempt. Too bad I'm still acting out almost all days. I'm repeating myself here, but I still think to quit porn I need a combination of A) a very good life that has no porn in it, and B) limited net access and strong, hard to disable filtering.

    I feel like rambling, so I am going to list ideas for a very good life:
    • Getting along with, or at least not fighting with, anyone in my life
    • A cleaner, more furnished, more organised apartment with all unwanted belongings gone
    • Continued meetings with support team and family, maybe getting out with them and having IRL friends
    • No longer feeling like a prisoner in my own home a lot of the time (most?)
    • After not fighting with people and getting out more, how about dating and having romantic partners
    • More clothes, art for my home, a more regulated temperature in my home
    • A job and money, more of my time spent constructively
    • Fun, sometimes indoors, sometimes outdoors, sometimes with close family or friends, sometimes with the general public
    • Creative activity such as drawing, creative writing, musical performance or composition, and programming
    • Going to zoos, museums and art galleries and the like; going horseback riding or axe-throwing or to the movies
    All of the above are normal things that all people should have. I don't have any of those 10 things in my life, at least not most of the time, which I think is causing the emotional pain that I'm in. The emotional pain is causing me to look up sex and nudity, and many other problems in my life are driving me into fantasy and porn. If I didn't do those four things I probably wouldn't masturbate more than I needed to, either.

    My "ramble" above counts as Life Planning for this post. (I didn't intend that, it just happened.)

    Keep rebooting, fellow rebooters.
     
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  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Cool! I'll join :D
     
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