I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Yes, people have told me that before. You're right. Maybe it's something I can work on.

    Thanks for your support, and I'm not just saying that to be polite!

    Other stuff to talk about

    I used to record all my PMOs on a calendar, or piece of paper, or somewhere. I did this even before I found out about YBOP. I was trying to quit, and writing it down made me feel better. I thought what I was doing was so wrong. I think it's still not appropriate, but it's not enormously wrong. Mostly it's just a bad idea and wrong for me to do. I don't have the nerve yet to make a calendar and write P, M, or O on it when I do those things. It's too depressing or something.

    I have been good since my last post (earlier today?). I am still wanting to see the psychologists. I feel very bad and crappy and I think it's because I have a lot of things in life bothering me, and because of the very bad porn binge a few days ago. I was just reminded that the psychologist might have a long waiting list. I intend not to let that discourage me.

    I reread some of my journal today, and I think it's okay, although I'm using the wrong words for things a lot and going off on things that don't matter sometimes. I think it's helping me reboot to read my own journal, and that I should do it more often. I need to make a physical piece of paper that contains all the lists of things I should do not to look at porn. I don't know why I am having a hard time with this idea. I'd probably even leave it out in the open unless someone I didn't know came in.

    I see you guys with the PMO tracker and I decided to get one. It's a good idea for accountability. I believe we should not focus on abstinence runs, but I think that being open and honest about how recently I've consumed porn will help a lot. I've set the counter for P and M, but not O. I'm fine with orgasm happening if it's with another person, although I doubt that will ever happen. Well, I think it won't happen soon, but I've got to get rid of this doubt that I'll ever have sex again.

    I know I said that I should post here less, but I think I should post here whenever I can think of something to say. It's probably really helping me reboot. It keeps my mind focused on rebooting. Otherwise I might just PMO until I die, or lose internet access because I got homeless or in jail or something. Although maybe I should be a lot more careful on the other journals, or leave them alone if I can't. I'm working on making more sense when I write. A lot is too abstract to be rational.

    I still have filtering on that might be the only reason I'm not looking at porn at the moment. Strange, I can disable it in a few minutes, and I know this, but it's still 95% or so effective to have filtering on. I hardly ever move to disable it, because because I know that it's the only thing keeping me from ruining my life. It's some kind of psychological barrier.

    Lately I have been a lot more distracted by ladies showing skin on TV, etc. This hasn't been a problem for a long time. You know why, it's probably because I ran out of my prescription, and the olanzapine deadens my sex drive. This sentence omitted because I'm trying to avoid overthinking things. I am unsure if I should go back on it, but below I say that I obviously should. I wonder if I need to have normal sexuality in order to reboot, but it probably has nothing to do with it.

    Life plan

    My life sucks very bad at the moment, so I'm going to work on that next. I'm under too much stress and difficulties to do with people, such as neighbours and professionals, even my dentists and doctors. I think that's the main thing bugging me now, and also having run out of my prescription, and also the very bad porn binge lately.

    I might have a support meeting today, with one of the real life people who's trying to support me getting mentally well, and I'll definitely bring up the prescription thing with him and see if I can get back on it. It seems like a pointless, bad idea to go without the prescription. In the mean time, possibly I should relax and not be hard on myself. It's not all my fault I can't get my prescription, or that I choose not to. I guess my life plan is to calm down and figure out what I should do about my problems. At least I'm not seriously physicall ill or hungry.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    Let's see if I can remember what's happened recently. I unintentionally saw female nudity on the Internet. It's having consequences, but not enough to relapse me. I was searching for male nudity after hearing about something historical to do with some famous men sending each other nude pictures. Why the hell was I doing that?! It's like I want to relapse. Even though I don't get much out of men, sexually, it's wrong for me to do this in general and counterproductive.

    There was a talk TV show I was watching and it showed pornography. No private parts, but naked women... I changed the channel. I guess I'm slightly triggered.

    I am almost constantly getting temptations have fantasy and to jerk off, and sometimes to look at porn. I've mostly been turning it down. But recently I gave in and started fantasising and later ended up masturbating a bit. I later stopped that and went on my computer, but then I went to look up something sexy. It was a bad idea, but at least I closed the window without going far into it. I would have ended up binging on porn.

    So, I closed that window and came here to post instead.

    Reminding me that fantasy, masturbation and porn lead to depression, and no life, and no talking to attractive women (what's wrong with unattractive women anyway?) has helped me not look at porn.

    Me and this forum

    I'd like to update my old journal entries, especially the first one, change my journal name, and change my nickname. Most of this is a train wreck.

    I'm writing more in other journals. Most people are thanking me. I think a lot of that is sincere, and some is politeness. Overall I think I should keep writing in other journals, I may be helping. Some of you guys seem to like it.

    Fantasy

    I'm having trouble stopping my fantasies. I expected this. I had a lot of them and they were extensive. I'm probably escaping into fantasy, but in an unhealthy way. Maybe I'm like Lt. Barclay from the TV show Star Trek: The Next Generation and his holo-addiction. I have been trying to turn my fantasies into something good. I don't remember if this has worked.

    However, I think that it is healthy for me to imagine me kissing people. Kissing, French kissing, hugging, squeezing, and cuddling all seem to be fine. It makes me feel good and I think it makes me think about real women, and might be helping me wire to real women. I think it's having a positive effect and I hope to keep doing it. I enjoy this so much that it's not hard to imagine kissing and hugging instead of having sex fantasy. It does not seem to lead to sexual fantasy or relapsing to porn.

    I am also trying to imagine real things I can do to help people, and not just making people happy through sex. Maybe some day. It's going to take a while to break free from the imaginary girls I have in my head.

    Lessons learned

    I think my fantasising and sexual acting out today is caused by lack of sleep and by not staying calm. I plan to try to stay calm all day and the next to see what happens.

    Filtering

    I forgot to mention there's an ICRA and RTA Label tags on websites. Maybe you could add those to filters, although I still don't know how to filter HTTPS connections securely.

    Sex obsession

    I wrote the following about a week ago. I didn't feel brave enough to post it to the internet, but I saved it. I'm posting it now. It's about how I seem to have extra difficulty in not thinking about sex. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. I am posting it here unedited.

    I am still thinking about sex almost every time I get a chance. I think I am forcing myself to. I feel like I am forcing myself to, and I think I am thinking that I have to, out of principle. I think I am sex obsessed. I think I feel like I should, I'm supposed to think about sex all the time, that I can
    solve all of everyone's problems by helping them have extremely perfect sexual relationships, or at least solve all of my problems by sorting out myself to be perfect sexually.

    Some ways in which I may be perfect sexually would be 1) I get an easily handled sex drive (not going to happen), 2) only attracted to single adult women about my own age (never going to happen), 3) never ogle or lust over women in real life (probably still never going to happen), 4) never look at porn (will hopefully happen), 5) don't masturbate (probably shouldn't even try this, at
    least not with a hard limit), 6) don't look at nudity or any sexual media... As you can see a lot of this seems unconnected to reality and highly impractical to try to make myself do, and probably not a good idea to do even if I could. It's ... entirely unrealistic in concept and plan.

    I also know, now that I think about it, that a lot of people are having perfectly good and reasonable sex life and they don't need (or want!) my involvement at all!. I keep thinking that somehow all everyone could be having perfect extremely intimate and pleasurable sex all the time, and this would somehow lead to no crime, war, badness of any kind. First of all, such infinite sex is probably not possible, second of all as I already mentioned quite a lot of people are having good sex and it still isn't solving war or violence or hunger.

    I think I got this way from being majorly depressed when I was adolescent, and I got the idea that somehow all of a person's problems (and, I guess, by extension, the world's) could be solved and would go away if they could just have perfect and intimate sex with some kind of perfect partner for them (usually a member of the opposite sex close to the same age). Autism and an very incomplete sex education, and lack of having a healthy sexual relationship, or at least a lack of myself being healthy, probably are a cause of these irrational and foolish ideas, too.

    I'd like to get rid of the sex obsession, but every time I do I think about solving every person in world's problems about sex (which, are none of my business, and it may help to remind me of this), and also my own, and then I end up in it as much as very. It's an infinite loop. I think I should talk to some people (you guys at YBR, anyone else really) about how I'm thinking about sex way too much and I'd like to cut it down to almost zero. I think I could use some help with this.

    Sexual adjustment

    I have something to talk about. I think another thing keeping me on porn and fantasy is I'm having difficulty handling sex and how attractive women are. I think a lot of this is confused ideas from the world about women and how they're sex objects, but some of it is from real lack of knowledge on how to handle women. I have some possibly embarrassing questions.

    Sometimes women dress sexy in public. Are they comfortable with that? Do they like it? What do I do? It affects me. Women wear heels and makeup. Heels make their legs and bums look more appealing, and a lot of makeup has a sexual part (red cheeks mean sex. Edit: I shouldn't have said that. Red cheeks can mean sexual arousal, but don't always, and don't have to.). If I don't really want to get turned on, how do I deal with women doing that?

    I've been raised to be sexually repressed. I think.

    I have more questions.

    Exes

    I find it hard not to fantasise about things with ex-girlfriends, or any other intimate or sexual relationships. This is also making it hard for me not to masturbate or look at porn. I don't have much ideas to do with this, though, except maybe acknowledge that it was wrong to be naked or have sexual interactions with them and say sorry to them in my head. This could probably use more work.

    Psychologists

    I went to the psychologist's web pages again. Some still look good to me. I'd like to get going soon, but I think I am going to rest for the rest of this week.

    Not touching my privates

    I found myself doing it in a meeting with my step father yesterday, touching the end of my phone on the end of my crotch. Silly. I think I'm working on it.

    Life quality

    I said my life was sucking in the last post. It got somewhat better by the end of the day.

    I'm not resetting my PMO counter because I have to P or MO ... just some edging doesn't count. Bad habit, but not good enough to reset my counter.

    Uh, for full disclosure, I masturbated a bit again when I made this post. Too much thinking about sex maybe.

    But, here, I think that I have dumped out everything that I can think of that's on my mind to do with me and my current porn addiction quitting project progress.

    Edited: Took out unneeded words, fixed spelling and formatting.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2019
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I just went back and edited the last entry. Then fantasy MOed. I think it was because of me re-reading the part about fantasies and ex-girlfriends. I stopped half-way through Ming 2 times thinking that I'd look dumb to you guys for not being serious enough to quit, but I finished anyway. I didn't succeed in turning the fantasy to good fantasy.

    Lessons learned

    I think I'm stressed and overtired. I can go on the internet and learn better stress coping skills, and I can sleep.

    If I stop making new fantasies the old ones might fade. I have to get over my exes. I feel intertwined with them. I have not done this before. It may be hard.

    Obviously I should not search for nude people on the internet, even male.

    I have enough stuff

    It's not all bad though news. For a few months in this journal I kept talking about how I needed more stuff to give me something other than internet porn to do. Well, I think I have enough of that stuff now.

    I'm still looking a lot better, physically, and am a lot happier since I started this reboot, too. I'm still mentally sharper and not exactly falling behind in life, either. I am optimistic.

    I have new video games

    Your Brain On Porn suggests brain age video games might help with recovery. I bought Brain Age 2 for cheap and I have been using it. My brain age started off as 80, which is really bad. Over 1 week I got it to 45. The game is hard due to my disability. But it's also hard because my mind is fogged with porn and my pre-frontal cortex is not wired properly, for real. It's also hard because I have a lot of what other people think in my mind. It's fun and challenging so I want to play it every day. I also bought Wii physical games that I think will help with my rewiring.

    I also played https://skribble.io/, a win-lose-or-draw or Pictionary game on the WWW. I think that helps my pre-frontal cortex a lot too. I know I'm often really bad in drawing pictures, and I get tired afterwards. May also help practice social skills because there are other people on there.

    End matter

    I'm not going to punish myself for fantasy MOing today. I am having a hard enough time. I'm just going to try to get extricated from fantasies and ex-girlfriends and see what happens. I reset my counter though. That's fair.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  4. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is very interesting. What is the game about?
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Brain Age 2 for Nintendo DS might be less a game and more of a brain training program. It has a brain age testing segment, which is hard, and it tries to tell you what your brain age is. The game keeps mentioning the pre-frontal cortex, like Your Brain on Porn does, and I'm hoping it might help heal my brain.

    Then there's a bunch of kind of fun challenges that are supposed to help with your brain age. The challenges are things like unscrambling moving letters, making change with bills and coins, listening to different people say words at the same time and then you have to write down what they say. I don't know if it's helping my recovery or not, but I think if my brain age gets better it'll be a sign that I am recovering.

    Status update

    One more fantasy MO last night or this morning. I reset my counter. Earlier I saw a naked woman again when I was reading a pundit site... I didn't expect female nudity there. I closed it without leering at it. I think I am not triggered now.

    Is it just me, or is nudity in a lot more places? Am I unconsciously seeking it? Am I more sensitive? Have times changed so much the last 10 years? Is it just coincidence? I plan to be more careful I guess.

    It's not all bad

    I remind my reader that despite my constant failing with porn my life is about 10 times better than when I started. My life was so bad it was like I was an abduction victim living in my captor's basement, only allowed to go out to get us food. I was reasonably miserable. Some good things that are happening now:
    • Have my own place, not too much for me to take care of
    • Have a pdoc and walk-in clinics, maybe have a pharmacy or two
    • Have family members and or family friends I can talk to regularly, socialising with them
    • All the games, and a lot of the TV, books and movies that I could want
    • Not going hungry, easier for me to go outside, eating healthy and enough, eating tastier food
    • Possibility of talking to several attractive women
    • Look better, probably higher self-worth
    • I have a support team made up of family members, and could possibly add a church elder and a psychologist of some kind, this is very helpful
    And a few other things. I'm just saying that so I and you guys don't get discouraged in supporting me in trying to quit porn. I think I would have gotten few of any of these things done without sustained periods of abstinence and generally trying to do the right thing, even not looking at porn. I might be be locked up for some minor crime or for being insane, or be homeless or dying of hunger or disease if I didn't try to refrain from porn and reboot.

    Now I'd like to talk about what is still making it hard for me to quit porn.

    Fantasy

    I'm still going in to fantasy. I guess it's not going to be easy to quit. I'm going to have to work on this, and try to replace it. I might talk about this with my friends and family, too.

    Exes

    I'm still finding sex-related thoughts of some ex-girlfriends, or people I just had sexual talk with, holding me down. It feels like vines holding me down sometimes when trying to quit porn. I guess I should acknowledge that I did some things wrong (sex outside of marriage is wrong to me), or even if some things were done wrong to me. (Sometimes these women were older.)

    Sexual maturity

    In my last message I said I was having difficult adjusting to some things to do with women and sex. I definitely am. I can't get over how attractive and beautiful women are. I don't know how to handle that women's beauty and bodies can fade, or that young women normally look a lot, lot better than older women. I don't know how to handle that women are often attractive before they're really ready to get married, or that 18-26 year old women are now too young for me, or that women's fertility fades with age, or that people share sexual displays, or of how saturated. I don't know how to handle that women, all other things being okay, like sex attention and want to have sex.

    Edit to add: I also have a hard time with women's curves, I mean their bodies. They're curvy from the back and from the front. I know that boobs are more than for babies, they're grown (not intentionally) to look good. And boy, do they ever. Don't go looking for it now. You already know you're attracted to boobs. I watched on television a woman say we're the world's sexiest species. It's like almost everything is designed to get us to have sex, at least enough to have children, and then maybe more. I guess it is. (It's not about the age of the woman for me.) End of edit.

    All of these things are interfering with my recovery. They interfere in my mind, because I keep thinking about how to adjust to these difficulties, and then I think about sex all the time. Also, I don't know if I'm having a relationship with a woman properly, like when I'm supposed to suggest sex or what I'm supposed to do about sex. I think this idea of being unable to have a real sexual relationship with a woman is making me discouraged about quitting porn because I think I'll never have sex.

    I plan to take all this to my family, friends or supporters and to my psychologist or psychiatrist.

    Touching myself

    I am still often having something touch my crotch, or my crotch touching something. I'm working on it a little, though. I have a feeling this is required to quit porn and maybe to be a mature man.

    Psychologist

    Still haven't called. I feel good about it though. It's my idea to go to both of them, though not at the same time.

    Daydreaming and relaxation

    I read in @Gilgamesh's signature that relaxation is a required part of addiction recovery. It might be true. I am not sure that I have relaxed in years. I am often reading horrible things on the internet and thinking about how to prevent them, and reading or listening to political things, hoping to help women and marginalised people and other political things, but I shouldn't be doing either of these things.

    To support my recovery it may be good if I daydreamed and relaxed more often. I might have to force myself to do these things. I have lots of video games but I usually don't play them. I think I should try this. It might be just as good for me as meditation or physical activity. I've got to take off the stress load. I've got to accept rewarding myself for the hard work of quitting internet porn, too.

    Meditation and physical activity

    I'm not meditating or physically active, but I should be. I just don't want to meditate. I don't know why. It's like I think it's pointless. Maybe I am subconsciously trying to ruin my life, because I know that it's good for me. I tried to motivate myself to do it lately but I haven't gotten anywhere. Maybe I've succeeded in doing less stuff that bothers me on the internet.

    I want to join a martial arts house I know. I don't know how I'm going to pay for it. But I think it could do wonders for me both socially and with recovery from porn. It may help with my physical fitness level too. I think it can do a lot of good. I don't know why I'm thinking of going because I'm so bad at everything socially, but I think that it might do quite a lot of good. Maybe I'll try to get an account next week.

    Final section

    I feel like crap, but at least I'm not PMOing. I'm going to get my support team members to speak to me and talk about sex things so I can have a much easier time to do with sex, and I'll try positive imagination (daydreaming, no sex) and being less mean to myself, and enjoying video games and entertainment more. I think the support team thing is my next step. Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2019
    Merton likes this.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I watched some of two sex-related movies on Netflix. I guess I thought that I could handle it, probably because of my despicable addicted brain. They weren't so evil, but it wasn't a good idea to watch them. So, I MOed later, mostly to fantasy.

    This all started after I read a post on another journal about how a lot of us aren't "serious". So then I tried real hard to be "serious" for a day and it backfired on me. It was also due just to me being horny for going without for five days.

    Also edited to add: I've been getting sex thoughts, or sexual thoughts a lot, all day since my last PMO. I have been resisting them. They're preposterous. Almost everything reminds me of sex things in some manner. I could hear the word "cook" or "potato" and start thinking about sex. Anyway, I think if I keep turning them down my mind will detox a little bit. At least I will stop thinking everything is about sex.

    Edited to add: A few hours ago I looked at myself in the mirror. I have gotten a haircut and I have trimmed my beard, but most of all, my face looks quite a lot better! I might even look handsome! I think this is from all the effort to become free of porn and fantasy MO. Seriously, I almost look good! A charitable family member said I looked good about five days ago, too.

    Note

    I changed my name from quitprofoo to nuclpow because I feel more comfortable with it, I think it's less awkward.

    Lessons learned

    Don't go to Netflix a lot, or every day. Watch movies I own or TV instead. I probably can't watch sex-related movies yet, if ever. Continue to try to exit fantasy.

    Being under stress seems to have a lot to do with it too. I guess I should avoid being under stress, but maybe also make a plan for preventing PMO while stressed.

    Filtering

    I have filtering enabled and I haven't tried to circumvent it.

    Maybe I should change my Netflix account to "Teenager", so I don't see the nudity, but I'd miss out on much reasonable, healthy content. So I'm not doing it for now.

    Fantasy

    I'm still going into fantasy. My plan is to make more friends and talk to family members more. I think that this might help me get into reality more, and if I have kind and friendly people to talk to that it won't be so bad. I have been doing this. I've been writing family and people I know e-mails, and sometimes they write back. I went to a computer group and to church a few times. It didn't go well, but I mean to go back to church. I think getting out more and interacting with real people might help slowly get me out of fantasy.

    I spend a lot of creativity in fantasy. I'm wondering if I spend it on other things if I'd be better off. I played Skribbl on the internet (with a totally different nickname). In there you have to draw things, which is creative. I wonder if that helps, although I am socially awkward. I've already suggested this, but maybe I should write stories or something else that's creative work to help me not get into fantasies.

    Edited to add: I still think it's a good idea for me to imagine kissing, maybe french kissing and some fondling or touching. I like doing this and I think it in no way leads to PMO. I don't seem to want to do it, though, I think due to my despicable addict brain. I plan to force myself to imagine kissing attractive women and some touching, and see how it goes. ;)

    Video games helping

    I have been doing Brain Age 2 about half of the days. I have been forcing myself to play Wii Sports. It is strange that I have to force myself to do something fun for me, but I do. I guess it's the despicable addicted brain trying to keep me from getting better again. Playing Wii Sports seems to be helping with the rewiring, like Your Brain On Porn says can happen. I find myself a little anxious and maybe stressed while playing, for example, golf. My body even starts to shake a little after a while. But I get a dopamine high after I play, which makes me think it's working. If I did my best in playing I usually feel a little good about it later, but exhausted.

    I am trying Wii Sports instead of exercising. I know it's pathetic, but even a little exercise is better than nothing. At least I stand the whole time and wave around the Wiimote vigorously. That's a little bit of exercise. So, I think I should play Wii Sports every day because it seems to be helping me recover and it's fun. It seems to be really helpful, actually. I'm grateful Nintendo did this. Maybe eventually I can move on to real exercising like running in a park.

    I can't believe my brain is so thoroughly and completely addicted to internet porn that playing a simple, appropriate video game stresses me out.

    Life plan

    I haven't worked on my life plan lately. I've just been trying to take care of myself, worrying about my dentist and psychiatrist appointments and things like that. At least I've been trying not to do anything bad that would ruin a lot. I'm kind of tired and stressed lately.

    I got an e-mail from a woman I met once, which is nice. I intend no romance or sexual intimacy, but it might be healthy for me to talk to her.

    Psychologist

    I'd like to call 1-2 psychologists this week and tell them that I'm shopping, and get the prices, information on how often they think I should have sessions, how long they should be, and how long the waiting lists are.

    Other things I've been looking at

    I have also been occasionally looking at the picture of an attractive woman, or music on Youtube with attractive women in it, with various degrees of sexuality. Along with looking at sex or nudity-related content on Netflix, these are all bad ideas. I intend to try to stop and do something healthy instead.

    (If I had Facebook, Instagram or dating sites or apps, I'd probably have to quit those, too. But I don't, and I don't find them tempting at the moment.)

    Church

    I'm still wanting to go to church and to speak to my elder. This might help, but it might stress me out, too.

    Final section

    At least I haven't been messing up my life. I know I MOed, but if I continue this way I think there will probably be progress.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Things I want to talk about

    Things I want to talk about in my next post:
    • Me raving about finding women's sexual attractiveness insanely overwhelming
    • Me trying positive fantasy (no nudity or sex)
    • Me reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book
    • Filtering
    • Support team
    • Still trying to sort out what to do about sexual urges
    • Don't know what to do about having sex with a real person yet
    I wanted to write this down somewhere so I didn't forget, it may as well be here.
     
    Merton, TrueSelf, Gil79 and 1 other person like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Dont forget that we trained ourselves to be overwhelmed. We can undo this by quitting sexual fantasies, ogling and ofcouse porn.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    My last message got four likes, I guess that means that some people would like me to explain 1-2 of the things I mentioned. Most likely I think you want to know about my obsession with women's bodies or how reading No More Mr. Nice Guy is going for me.

    Status update

    No PMO in the past few days. Probably some fantasy M or MO though. I didn't track it.

    I went out yesterday and my attention was really drawn by the women. How long do I look? What do I look at? Is it possible to look at women's bodies and have it not be wrong? I've heard of the 4 or 5 second rule for looking. I'm not sure I should do that for all women, but maybe 1-2 when I go out.

    I got a lot done yesterday. I went to the pharmacy, for a walk, saw someone to talk to, went to the grocery store, and even bought a couple food items I don't normally eat. I had a little temptation to "reward" myself with something sexy, which is a bad idea even if it doesn't lead to porn, but I didn't act on it. Instead I fell asleep while watching a movie.

    I saw building girl yesterday, but she didn't look at me or seem to notice me, so I guess she doesn't care or think about me at all. I think I'll try to talk to her she's not giving off don't-talk-to-me vibes.

    I feel like I am getting a very little more confident every day I abstain from porn and fantasy MO. I certainly seem more able to keep up on life and handle things. I have also been avoiding, at least a little more, viewing images and pages that might have nudity or sex.

    Mental health and psychologists

    I got my prescription filled and I am taking it now. I e-mailed 3 psychologists today from their websites. There have been no replies or phone calls yet. Still, it may have been a major step in starting to get well. I plan to think about it again after my psychiatrist appointment is over tomorrow. My psychiatrist knows I'm trying to quit porn and I plan to give him a full and honest update. Here's what I plan to tell him:
    • Went back on my prescription
    • Put filtering on all my computers that turn on
    • Been participating in this forum, which is spawned off the Your Brain On Porn site, and posting to other journals and reading other people's posts
    • Been avoiding ogling or sex-based TV shows, fantasy and masturbation
    • I was planning to get a psychologist
    • I'm obsessed with sex or certain body parts of women
    • Haven't usually been masturbating
    Life plan

    I think what I really want in life are:
    • A well-paying job that helps other people in some way
    • A big house or apartment
    • A wife and a family
    • Entertainment, travel, good food and other niceties
    • Friends and being upstanding in the community and have some kind of participation in society
    • Some way to help others for being the victims of crimes or preventing the crimes
    • Be mentally and physically healthy
    • Have healthy relationships, even having a healthy romantic relationship and sex
    It's pretty far away from me now, however, I believe I am (usually) acting in a way consistent with leading me forward in all that direction. It's also fairly vague. For example, how do I get this high paying job? Wouldn't I usually have to complete university first? How am I going to get this wife? Is she going to be anyone I know about already? How do I get this good standing in the community? Is it all about social skills or about being a good person?

    I think the steps I am taking now might help get me there:
    • Trying to abstain from porn and fantasy MO
    • Posting here, playing Nintendo games
    • Brushing my teeth, flossing, etc., exercising to the Wii
    • Not reading or watching garbage on TV or the internet
    • Making and keeping appointments with different professionals
    • Eating healthy
    • Trying not to do anything bad
    • Trying to recover my mental wellness
    • Trying to get assertiveness and social skills so I can go back to school
    • Keeping up on technology so I can get employment in it
    • Trying to make friends and to talk to more family
    About being overly distracted by women's bodies

    I think my post a while back about finding women's bodies insanely distracting was a little crazy. I said "finding women's sexual attractiveness insanely overwhelming" and @Gil79 said:
    I hope that's correct, but I think I had some issues with this overwhelming distraction thing before I got addicted to porn. I plan to quit sex fantasy, ogling and porn of, course. I think training myself not to ogle might be the next step.

    Fantasy

    I have been e-mailing my aunt who's nice to me by e-mail. I am hoping that talking to real female women will help reduce my fantasies. Of course I'm also just trying not to have them.

    I haven't tried to have any "good" fantasies yet, by which I mean imagining kissing, dating, having fun, and touching a woman, but no nudity or sex. I meant to force myself to, but it never happened. I didn't. I think my brain really doesn't want me to because it knows it will help me recover from internet and porn addiction. I think it's the same thing that makes me not want to play Wii Sports and not want to meditate, even though I don't find those painful. I plan to keep trying.

    Nintendo games

    I played Brain Age 2 or Wii Sports a couple times since the last post. Wii Sports still makes me anxious when I play, but I think it's a good thing. I think it's helping me rewire my brain.

    No More Mr. Nice Guy book

    I haven't read it since yesterday, but it's describing me to a T, unfortunately. I followed the exercise that said to write down three men or groups of men that it was safe to talk to about being too much a Nice Guy. I picked some of my family members and you guys. I guess I'll read it a little more just now. I tried to be perfect when I was a child, like this book seems to say sometimes, and I'm probably still trying to be perfect. The book might be good advice.

    Not touching my genitals

    It's not as obvious but I'm still doing it.

    Filtering

    I still plan to get rid of all but two of my computers to make it less tempting to look up porn and to make it easier to have filters on all of them. Possibly I should even get a basic phone instead of my smartphone.

    Church and support team

    I had a support team meeting with a family member yesterday, and I am thinking of going to church and a social club for people with my disability in a different city on Sunday.

    Final section

    My stress level varies, but I think if I keep on finding other health, constructive activities to do, and I keep refraining from porn, I'll get a much better life.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I like your list of things you want in life. I also have a desire to be upstanding in the community. You probably said this before but what filtering are you using?
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    If you know how to get what we want in that area, please let me know :).

    I use hosts file blocking and Simple Blocker for Mozilla Firefox. It's incomplete, but 10 times better than nothing. It keeps me from viewing porn about 99% of the time.

    Status update

    Fantasy MO this morning. I have been seeing some sexy images on the Internet, but I think they didn't trigger me much. I acted out because I was overtired, horny, stressed, still in fantasy, and not believing that I can handle my problems in real life, and it's just what I prefer at the moment. At least I'm porn-free (but not nudity-free) for a few weeks.

    Small rant against porn

    I feel like I really want to list the reasons I don't want to look at porn again.
    • By looking at a young woman naked on the Internet I am ruining my appreciation and thankfulness for any real woman I might have an intimate relationship with. I am basically ruining any relationship with a real woman.
    • Besides that, I sometimes see a lot of things I really don't want to see, don't think is wise or appropriate, and am not comfortable seeing, and frankly am disgusted by
    • What is the point of seeing people naked, and seeing other people have sex, when I could be doing those things myself in real life? Why do I want to see young people "made love" to by jerks when I don't support that? And I'd like to be in an exclusive relationship with a woman myself.
    • It wastes my time, from the time spent doing it, the time spent awake at night because I can't sleep, and the time spent recovering from the guilt of acting out and getting back on the right track. I'm not sure how many hours one porn binge wastes, but I think it's between about 5 and 25 hours.
    • I feel dumb, ashamed, cowardly after I act out, not decisive enough to talk to women and I have a lot of guilt and social anxiety
    • Anyone who doesn't like me, or thinks I'm a loser that doesn't talk to real women and looks at porn on the Internet, might be right
    • Masturbating in front of a computer is just not how human beings are meant to spend their lives. I am not a rat addicted to dopamine, I am a man and I'm supposed to act like one. If nothing else, Internet porn is a really big waste of time and life.
    • I think I look worse after a while of porn, and start to look good after a while of honestly attempting to reboot.
    I think that's enough of a rant for now. I guess a lot of those go for fantasy masturbation, too.

    Lessons learned
    • Don't get overtired. Make myself get enough sleep.
    • I guess I can't watch or listen to that genre of music on YouTube anymore. Maybe from another website would be fine if I don't see the thumbnails.
    • Have to work on getting out of fantasy
    • Try to reduce stress level in life
    • If life feels impossible, just de-stress and try to focus on it again later, don't get into sex
    Good fantasy

    I keep trying to imagine talking to, kissing, touching, maybe open-mouth-kissing an attractive young woman I know. I've discussed how I think it is a positive fantasy that will do me good, though it requires not imagining sex or nakedness.

    I find it difficult to do. It's as if I was trying to force my way walking through 40 sheets of plastic wrap. I think I find it so difficult because 1) my despicable addicted brain wants me to think about sex and porn instead, and 2) my confidence and knowledge are low on how to get to dating and having sex with someone. I feel this is doing me good. I am going to try more and see what happens.

    Psychologist


    I still mean to get one, but no replies to my e-mails yet. I guess I'll have to call.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019
    Merton and -Luke- like this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Probably way closer than you think. When you put your mind to it, things can happen very fast in life. It is important that you see that small actions in the present can have large positive consequences in the long run. It is an exponential process.
     
    Merton likes this.
  13. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Hey man, how's it going? It has been a while since I've been on the site and I've been trying to catch up (but you've written a lot lol). I just wanted to drop in and challenge you on something. I hope you don't mind. I get a little nervous giving advice on other people's journals because I don't really know your whole story and I'm writing basically from my general (outside) perspective and make a lot of assumptions to fill in the gaps.

    But it seems to me like you are being pulled in multiple different directions. You tend to try and hold your self accountable to Christian values, while at the same time still being a little unsure about your own personal beliefs. And it leads to a lot of back and forth between yourself. To me, researching and deciding for yourself what you truly believe should be the number one priority you have right now. Not what someone else thinks, not because it was the way you were raised. But discovering for yourself what you believe and why you believe it. Even if you 99% agree you need to figure out what the 1% is and flesh it out until you are either 100% on board or decide that you are not a believer.

    I don't mean to get on my soap box/pulpit here. But if you are unsure if you are Christ follower, then why are you so intent on not having sex until marriage? It seems to me (from the outside) like you are holding on to that as an excuse to continue in your addiction because you don't have an outlet for your sexual desires that you agree with, but you also don't want to get married right now (I am also single and also have no outlet).

    Personally I am way more impressed with the non believers on this forum that are quitting than I am with myself. Honestly, if it was not for my faith in Christ and my belief that there truly is a heaven and hell. I would still be PMO'ing every single night and not be bothered one bit. I know that it would effect my life on this earth in a hugely negative fashion and the literally every part of my life would improve if I quit (as it has). But I would not have had the drive or willpower if not for my faith and the Holy Spirit.
    _______

    After reading my post, I come of like a bit of a self-righteous asshole. And a really really don't mean it that way. It's just that I see a lot of my old self in some of the stuff you write and I was just all over the place. Grasping at straws and trying all sorts of things. My hope is that this post is enough to make you grab your Bible(or download a free app) and start reading (especially the red letters).

    I hope this helps you one way or another. And either way you chose I would also highly recommend a book for you called: Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown.
     
    Bezoechow likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I think it would help if I kept that in mind, thanks. Now I regret times when I didn't, although I think most of the time in my life I have behaved with some kind of responsibility. Thanks for your post.

    I dread being sober partially because I think I might end up with a girlfriend before I know it. I don't really know why I dread this. @Gil79, I feel that SeekingWisdom has covered some of the same ground as you as far as underestimating my future potential.

    @SeekingWisdom, thanks for your post. It's a lot so I plan to give it its own reply.

    Status update

    No PMO for about 2 weeks. Fantasy MO this morning. (See below for plan for quitting fantasy.)

    I feel great. I went outside tonight just to go out and get around, for fun. I wasn't too self-conscious and nothing really bad happened socially. In fact I was mostly confident and could look at people in the eye. I haven't felt this good for what seems like a year. I think it's because of (here comes another list):
    • Earnestly trying to reboot
    • Refraining from porn and nudity
    • Behaving well and trying to be good
    • Going back on medication
    • Self-confidence from me feeling like I'm taking responsibility for my life
    I'm getting vivid dreams again. I think it's because I'm rebooting and I'm on medication again. I like getting them because I think my subconscious is working something out, which I think I could use.

    I did something dangerous today looking at photos of pretty girls. It might not have triggered me, but some pictures included some of their bodies. I got overconfident.

    Looking at women rule

    A few posts ago I asked how much I can look at a woman. Well, now I think I can look at a woman as much as a man would feel comfortable being looked at by me, or I would feel comfortable looking at a man. This would be about 2 seconds, in that case only really looking at their face, their clothes, and their general outline. This might be a good start.

    I applied this tonight when I went out and I saw a beautiful woman (to me). She looked mature and intelligent but also young-looking. It was good. I was singing to myself later and I turned around and she was behind me. I stopped singing... Anyway I plan to work on this looking thing more.

    Getting rid of chat

    I have had a chat program open on for most of the past 3 years, where I could talk to other people. I closed it a couple days ago. I feel better so far.. This might be the equivalent as quitting social networking. Maybe I'll let you know how it goes.

    Building girl

    I saw the attractive woman I have a crush on yesterday. I didn't have the nerve to talk to her, though it might have been because she was with other people I didn't like. At least I walked past her, on my way to my door. I think I was far enough away that it wasn't creepy.

    Being on this forum

    Another poster said that reading and writing here too much can be triggering. It's possible... I am trying to take it easier on posting here.

    Filtering

    I still want to get rid of all but two computers, and maybe replace my smartphone, to help with filtering. At least now with chat off I can turn off my computer more often, which might be healthier for me.

    Fantasy

    Like others on this forum I have to quit sex fantasy.

    About positive fantasy: Imagining kissing and touching seems to be a little positive. When I do, it seems to bring me back to reality, and I think about how to come across well socially, and how to have a good appearance and a job that might impress a woman. I think I should have more positive fantasies.

    For quitting sex fantasy, I'm in emotional pain which is driving me into fantasy. It will be difficult for me to quit fantasy, but I have to in order to quit porn. The mental pathways of fantasy and porn are mostly the same. My plan is to solve the causes of this pain, and also to have more family and friends to talk to. Here are some perfectly things my fantasies make me think of:
    • Having a bigger house with good furniture and expensive technology
    • Having friends, family, and intimacy with other people
    • Having male as well as female family and friends
    • Going out to museums and restaurants and the theatre, otherwise having fun
    • Ease and convenience in day-to-day life
    • Being well-thought of and treated well in the neighborhood and in the community
    I'd like to make other things like this happen, too, though perhaps not all of the expensive ones.

    Sex maturity

    I've said before that I'm overwhelmed and can't handle female sexuality sometimes. Like just a hint of leg skin can drive me nuts. I think the solution is just to work on it for a while. There's two aspects to consider, I guess:
    • Society's view on sex, where girls and women are judged or valued by their looks or bodies
    • What I actually like sexually
    I have never really thought that I was allowed to think this out for myself. I thought I just had to put up with my sex drive getting inflamed from sexual imagery and context. I thought I just had to brutally push down my sex drive 90% of the time in order to be a good man. Now I'm trying to think about it. Say I do get a young, hot, really attractive woman to be my girlfriend. How is that going to help me when:
    • My taxes are due and I haven't done them
    • My boss is furious with me and I'm late at work
    • I have the flu real bad and the kids are misbehaving
    • The kids need to be raised well
    • I need to fix the kitchen sink and it's an emergency to do so
    • Etc.
    Given all that it might be better to try to get an ugly wife. Maybe she's less likely to leave me when I need her.

    Trying to quit porn has made me see that I am thinking about sex way too much, and that I get overwhelmed by it. Abstaining from porn lets me think about it, though, and it may help me have sex soon.

    Final section

    I'm still vulnerable to porn through overconfidence. I still feel a lot better and more confident since I started this last rebooting attempt. Trying to quit porn seems to be revealing everything wrong in my life and especially to do with sex. I'm so glad I did this. The next thing I'm going to work on is to have less fantasy.
     
  15. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Member

    nuclpow

    I have only read through some of your posts on the last couple of pages of your topic, so I am not sure how accurate my impression is, but I really do get the sense that you are slowly changing and growing. I think it is great that you opened up to your family about it. That takes courage.

    I agree with you that reducing internet use is helpful with recovery. Although we are struggling with porn addiction, the umbrella it really falls under is the delivery method: the internet (unless you are of that rare breed who were addicted to porn when it was only available on VHS and in magazines). The reason we are able to hijack our reward circuitry and continue to produce more dopamine is because the internet provides us with a seemingly limitless vehicle to obtain more and more novelty (actresses, genres, scenes, positions, etc.), and thus produce more and more dopamine. I can't tell you how much time I've wasted over this last decade swimming through an endless sea of content on YouTube. Was it porn? No. Was it compelling, hard to separate from, and taking time away from more fulfilling endeavors? Yea. I experienced similar problems with social media before I quit using it entirely.

    Of course the internet is useful and I want to keep it in my life. But, as you mentioned in one of your earlier posts, I think having a plan of what sites you want to visit and what content/information you want to access before using it is a really good idea (I may have to steal that idea from you, apologies in advance ;) ). I am still not where I want to be with how I use the internet, but I have slowly been decreasing my "junk" internet use and noticed less of a compulsion to use it. For example, I no longer compulsively reach for my phone without thinking anymore. I think that is one sign that my conditioning has begun to change.

    Wishing you the best, and congratulations on 2 weeks! I can't wait to be there myself.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    @SeekingWisdom, this was a very good post to my journal. Thank you.
    You've given me a lot to think about. I think I will make it a higher priority to work out what my current sexual morality should be. I guess I was thinking sex was never going to happen for me until me and my life were perfect. It's also possible I'm just scared stupid of sex.

    I care about what's what right and wrong, and what God thinks. But I guess I can't be a Christian if I don't yet believe there was a Jesus, or that he's alive and wants to have a personal relationship with and save people. I guess I'm a deist/theist. I didn't expect you to say "if you are unsure... why are you so intent on not having sex until marriage". I expected a Christian to tell me to abstain until marriage.

    I think I don't want sexual intercourse outside of a life-long, exclusive relationship. I think it's probably okay if it's unofficial and not sanctioned by a Christian denomination. I think I could be happy with some kind of outer-course outside of a life-long relationship, but you may possibly be right. Maybe it is my addicted, despicable brain that's just telling me to make sex impossible so I can stay addicted. I guess I can pray on it. (Although I don't believe in Jesus, I think, I do believe God seems to answer my prayers.)

    I feel like my reply is half-baked, but I wanted to reply with something before I lost the emotional effect of it. (I read your whole post even if I'm not quoting it all here.)
    I have some Bibles. I guess I can start reading them again... maybe... You didn't seem arrogant to me.

    Er, actually most of the things I've been trying for the past 1-1.5 years have helped, except for the one where I tried giving up for a while. Although I did learn that that made things a lot worse.
    I think your post has so much substance that I should revisit it in about a week/a few days. Thanks.

    Status update

    I PMOed yesterday. It was a very light PMO ever, though, because I only saw one non-hardcore picture. But it was still PMO and I reset my counter. I also did a couple fantasy MO. My confidence is still somewhat high. I have also been able to take care of some minor things without so much stress, because I haven't been fantasy and PMOing every day for weeks or months. My life is significantly better.

    I read a little of TheUnderdog's My Thoughts On Rebooting [EXTREMELY LONG POST]. I should read it a little before I post here. It's like my Bible of how to quit porn.

    It seems, and maybe it's possible, that the more I read and post here, the more I want to F or PMO. I guess I have to focus before I come here, and use this in moderation.

    Edit: I forgot to mention that I am getting long, intense, vivid dreams again. I think this is a positive sign of rebooting.

    Lessons learned

    I feel a lot more free to PMO on this secondary computer I have. I think I should sell it or give it away. I'm just trying to use it less for now.

    As for quitting sex fantasy there's a list of things I should do. (I know I am repeating myself in this.)
    • Have healthy, close relationships with real people
    • Stop being abusive and cruel to myself
    • Continue to treat myself like a human being, have a decent apartment, get out enough, get enough entertainment, etc.
    • Every time I start to think about sex or fantasy, either have a "good fantasy" instead, or probably better yet, check to see if I'm being too hard on myself and maybe ease up on myself a bit
    Motivation

    My motivation is still simply that F (fantasy) and PMO will, in the short term:
    • Drain my energy, maybe ruin my skin quality
    • Make my more guilty and anxious, lower my confidence in dealing with people, including attractive women
    • Make it more difficult for my psychiatrist to treat me
    • Be selfish to you guys for not seriously trying to quit PMO and wasting your energy and time
    • Make me fall further behind in life
    I only have short term motivation for refraining from PMO, and it might be enough.

    Life plan

    I don't know how important my dream life goals are to me. Those goals were a well-paying job, a large house, an attractive wife, family are to me, and being well-thought-of in the community. I guess it's important to me that my job can pay the bills with some to spare; I would like to have a wife of good personality and character, I guess it's not that important how she looks; I would like to have or foster or adopt children; a home or house big enough, with a car for all of these people would be good; and I at least would like to be well-thought of by myself or, I guess, God. I'd also like to do something that helps other people, whether through technology or research or social advocacy. This is rambly, but it's one of my better life goals lists so far. I'm going to record it to my harddrive.

    I think getting healthier, in my apartment, and getting better with people, might allow me to do most or all of the above. So, I might be at least partially on the right track.

    Psychologist

    I'm not pursuing seeing a psychologist now. I have a support team of three members, this forum, No More Mr. Nice Guy to read, a psychiatrist and a couple dentist appointments coming up. Or is this my despicable, addicted brain trying to block me from getting healthy and prosperous?

    Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy

    I don't really want to admit it, but either this guy is taking me in or I match entirely the Nice Guy person he's talking about. I have and had a severe lack of male figures in my life, I'm far too sensitive and raised too much by women, I'm way too "nice" and giving and selfless even when I shouldn't be, I get angry that I don't get what I feel I've earned, but then I don't say anything about it, I want sex but don't ask for it, I'm not vivacious or assertive or strong or powerful at all, and I don't impress real women. And after all that I'm looking at nudity and masturbating to pornography like a creep and a voyeur on the internet. I'm not "nice" at all...

    I'm about 1/4 the way through, and I intend to read the book regularly, and before I post here. I also intend to follow its instructions. I am so very glad I read the book now. I think it might be life-changing and might probably help me quit internet porn. It might also help me be assertive, healthy, moral and confident enough to date more women and marry an excellent one.

    More stuff in my house

    Months ago I worked on a plan of getting more TV, video games, movies, and other activities for me to do other than porn. I feel like that was wise and critical to quitting porn. But I think I need a few more things, still. I'm not sure what, a handful more video games and maybe another streaming service. I still feel kind of like an animal in my apartment, caged and with nothing enough to do. So, I guess I need to go shopping again.

    Final section

    I'm letting myself get away with the FMO (fantasy MO) for now. I try to refrain, but my plan is to get out of (emotional) pain and get enough alternate healthy activities and relationships, and then see what happens when I try to quit fantasy again.

    Also, I am telling you that my life is improving significantly every few months or so, whenever I'm working on it and I don't do anything to collapse it and destroy it. As TheUnderdog says in My Thoughts On Rebooting (which I think everyone here should read, twice), "Success is not measured by how many clean days you've managed.
    It's measured by how much your life has improved since you started rebooting." By that measure, I've made a lot of progress.

    Stay off porn, fellow rebooters. @NewStart19, my energy level is too low to reply to your post at the moment, but you deserve a response and I will try next time.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  17. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Member

    nuclpow


    Hey, I totally understand if you don't. I am just glad you spent time reading it.

    Thanks for sharing this. I really like how your life plan includes helping other people as well.

    That's great news, and I hope you continue to see more and more progress in the days to come.

    Take care
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Things I want to write about:
    • No PMO but still doing FMO (fantasy) regularly
    • An answer to SeekingWisdom's post about whether or not it's okay to have sex outside of marriage if you aren't a Christian
    • Edited to add: I may have been abused as a child, sexually or something, and I just don't know it. I think it's the only way to explain all the problems I had.
    • Noticing it's going to be harder to quit fantasy than I thought. I think I will need to face each (fictional) person in the fantasy and divorce them and get them to stay away from me forever. (Partially inspired by the web page I'm talking about below.)
    • A Christian Web page I read where a person's sexual fantasies were demonic for the person (the page may be triggering, plus it includes an account of terrible sexual abuse, here). I feel like the fantasies might be the same for me.
    • A reply to NewStar19's message, the Noah B. E. Church video in his signature is hilarious and honest, by the way
    • A reminder to myself that a lot of the pornography I have viewed, or all of it, was tragic and inappropriate, and just really unacceptable to any normal person
    • The same might apply to my sexual fantasies
    • I need to relax more, as recommended by @Gil79's signature, and by the Brain Age 2 program
    • I'm not seeking psychologists because I'm unsure and I have a lot going on, and I don't know how I'm going to pay for them
    But I'll probably only get time to write one of them. That's fine, though, I write 5 times as much as I need to anyway. Take care fellow rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2019
    NewStart19 likes this.
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I was thinking the same, though less with the growing. It's humbling, but you're probably right about the growing part.
    I am pretty open with my brother, and it seems to be helpful. I'm not sure it took a large amount of courage, but I'll take your word for it.
    I am thinking now that managing internet use is better than reducing it.
    Yeah, the ocean of informative and novel content is tricky to ignore. I have only been wasting some of the last 1.6 years like this, so I think I'll learn a lesson from you now. I assumed social media was addictive or habit-forming or addicting, so I didn't start. ... I still might get cravings, though, even though I've never had a Myspace, Facebook or Google Plus page.
    I got the idea from the Your Brain On Porn website, not sure what page.
    Yes. You read as intelligent. Let me tell you something, I've been on this forum for about 7 years, and I have been trying to quit porn for a lot longer than that. However, whenever I was honestly working on quitting porn I would change a bit for the positive, even if I didn't succeed. I would also get more informed about how to live life and how to quit porn, and about sex. So, every honest effort helps. It got a whole lot better and easier when I read the Your Brain On Porn site and watched their videos! After that, I was much more capable of minding my own ship, like it says somewhere on that site.

    In addition to honestly trying to quit and learning things from that, and reading/viewing Your Brain On Porn, reading The Underdog's epic posts about rebooting, and other people's wise posts helps a lot too. I think that if I get some psychological help and keep on doing the other things I'm doing then I can finally beat this addiction after about 20 years of trying. It will be so great not to dirty myself up with inappropriate images, and get my pre-frontal context, confident, time and energy back. If I can keep at it I might be able to do it by next year.

    I got into a sidebar but I think it was okay.
    I've gone longer, even without MO. But this last run of about 2 weeks was not perfect. I also did fantasy MO.

    Now that I have filtering my plan is to try to quit unrealistic or immoral sex fantasy, probably forever. I think this will not be easy.

    Thanks for your reply and perspective!

    I found the Noah B. E. Church fake porn commercial hilarious. Thanks for sharing. It was also reminding me that I've seen a lot of really bad, reprehensible stuff... which sucks and is something I'm going to have to set right.
     
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  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    No porn since last. Probably 1-2 fantasy MOs.

    Trigger warning: Somewhat triggering info in the next paragraph.

    I intentionally triggered myself by watching Pleasantville, a movie with some painted woman nudity. I knew it, but I still made myself watch it. It's why I think I intentionally triggered myself.

    Obviously my addicted, despicable brain doesn't want me to give up porn. I told myself I wanted to test myself. I hear addicts often do that, whether for alcohol or morphine or whatever. It's humbling, but I have to look at this as an addiction about as bad as alcohol or heroin, which is difficult for me to think.

    Anyway I'm mildly triggered now, and then I went to look up sexy movies and I have a sexy picture and Netflix page open right now. I closed the picture, but saved it to see what would happen. Maybe it'll help me not be so awfully sexually repressed. At least I'll cancel the idea of watching something with nudity on Netflix.

    Sex fantasy

    I probably have to quit all bad and unrealistic sex fantasy forever. I probably need to do this to quit porn, to get healthy and adjusted sexually, to be not a willfully bad person, to be a Christian, and to be in a good sexual relationship with a woman. Right now, the fantasies wreck things whenever I try to quit porn. They ruin my rebooting, and take away my energy for real women and make me less social. They make me MO, which makes rebooting almost impossible.

    I feel like I'm rambling here, but I think I need to set a sound foundation for quitting sexual fantasies. It might be one of the biggest projects in my life so far, not sure if it's less, the same, or more of a project than quitting porn of all types. If you don't really care about sex fantasies, or don't want to read this section, you don't have to. (You don't have to read anything here.)

    It's possible I have more sexual fantasies because I had a slightly, subtle, sometimes sexual, incestuous relationship with my mother. I think that that is making sex fantasies a lot worse for me. This might be some of the child abuse things I mentioned two posts ago. Probably most of my pull towards sex fantasy is just escaping into a fictional, all-accepting reality where I get everything I want.

    Maybe most of the reason I want that is because my real life is so bad. I'm not doing that well, don't have a lot of healthy, intimate relationships, don't do almost anything most people would consider to be normal, don't have a purpose or cause for my life, and don't have a sexual relationship with a real woman.) I already made a couple lists of things I was going to do to quit fantasy, so I'm not going to repeat all of it.

    But here are some:
    • Think about how I'm going to have to give up sex fantasy and say goodbye permanently to the fictional people who only exist in my head
    • If they turn out to be demons, like that Christian website says, I may need to use Christ's name to ban them, and then keep on my toes for the rest of my life to keep them gone
    • Going to try to have a less bad life so I'm in less emotional pain and disatisfaction.
    • Psychologist hel might be good, too
    • Gonna try to have healthy relationships with real people, and sex with a real woman, eventually
    Psychologist

    I just said in this and the last post that I needed a psychologist. I plan to not try to get one for now. I have too many other appointments and meetings coming up, and I don't think I have the energy for it. Either that or it's my despicable brain trying to keep me addicted and useless.

    No More Mr. Nice Guy book

    I read a little bit. I think I'll try to read and do the whole book. I wish I had done it more, so I'll try to catch up after the post.

    To-do

    I want to do more to have myself treated like a human being. This will involve trying to get others to be polite and kind to me, which I know is difficult because you can't control others' behaviour. At least I can try to treat myself more like a human being.

    I want to get my two main computers working well, get more furniture, buy more movies, get more audio... get more people to talk to, get out more... If you've been keeping up on my journal, I did all this a few months ago. It was successful, but I need a lot more. I think I am about half-way there.

    So my current project is to buy myself more things, read the Nice Guy book, and see my support group more. I think that'll help a lot.

    Final section

    I think if I keep at it, and be honest with myself about nudity, and keep reading the Nice Guy books or get a psychologist, I will continue to get better. But fantasy MO breaks my self-confidence almost as much as PMO.

    Keep at it, rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2019
    SeekingWisdom likes this.

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