I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Update

    Less than a few hours since my last update. I just MOed. (For your information.) It was to sexual fantasy that I wouldn't be able to do in real life.

    Lessons learned

    Don't look at sexual images or porn if I don't want to MO.

    It's also possible that I'm thinking about sex way too much, even if it's about trying to quit. Maybe I'm even getting too excited about sex reading other people's messages here, or writing my own.

    Sex fantasy

    Unlike most people here I seem to have a habit of unrealistic and probably immoral sexual fantasies, which are a habit for masturbation for me. I've mentioned this at various times in my journal here, but I don't have a solution. I seldom see others post about it here, and no solutions that I know of. I don't really know what to do about it except maybe try to think of the people I'm fantasising about respectfully and appropriately, and then maybe I won't have fantasies about them. These are imaginary and real people, also. I guess it's something I'm going to have to think about, or talk to someone about.

    Final section

    Thanks for reading. Appointment with psychiatrist tomorrow, I have to be up in eight hours, which isn't enough sleep for me, but I'll just go tired.
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2019
  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Looking at porn, even if you don't M or MO, is a form of edging. It ain't good...


    You seem to be into reading. Are you familiar with Project Gutenberg? Lots of great free books there and in different formats. I'll avoid posting a link in case I'm accused of spamming.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Reply to @occams_razor's post first

    Exactly. The name of the game is not to look at porn, so looking at it is moronic. I also can't look at anything that I think is intentionally sexual, or probably any peoole who are naked for any reason, intentionally. I probably have to not look even at pictures or video of attractive girls/women if I know that's the purpose for which I'm looking at them. Anything that turns me or my sexuality on, or excites me in that way, has to be turned down.

    Also I can't M, even a little. I probably shouldn't even touch my member except for the bathroom, cleaning, and possibly scratching an itch.

    I have heard of Project Gutenberg, and I have downloaded a lot of their books to my harddrive. I read them sometimes, but it's a good idea. Maybe I'll download the whole thing for something to do if or when I give up my Internet for a while. Thanks for your suggestion, I think I'll go and do that now, since it's more constructive than what I was already doing. Okay, it's downloading, but it looks like it might take a week or two at this rate. I think you're a pretty nerdy man for suggestion Project Gutenberg to me, and I respect that.

    Update

    No porn or jerking off since last. I am not finding it hard to resist, and I think I am high on emotions or willpower for resisting for now. But I know and assume that it will crash later, hard. I am hoping to work up alternative activities and filtering (both which I hope to write about in the rest of this message).

    I went to the psychiatrist and I told him that I was looking at pornography, that I thought it was wrong, that I thought it was an addiction, and that I was trying to stop. I told him about Your Brain on Porn and its website and he seemed to write it down. I told him about hypofrontality, which is the condition we internet porn addicts get where your frontal lobes don't work so well anymore, and forethought and impulse control don't work so well anymore, among other things. I told him that Your Brain on Porn said it was an addiction and I guess implied that I felt I was addicted, too. He said yes, it is an addiction, and told me to keep trying to quit.

    He also very much supported me having filters on my computer. So, I have it confirmed from an actual practicing psychiatrist that my internet porn addiction is an addiction, and that I have to try quit or explain myself to him if I want to continue to get mental health treatment from him (which I do). He also suggested that the normal way to get sex is to talk to people, make friends, and make someone a girlfriend and/or have a sexual relationship with them. This was more or less what I was figuring lately anyway. He also said (or seemed to imply to me) sex was a need and it was normal to try to have it satisfied as an adult. He also nodded, I think, when I told him you guys (I mean you other guys on the forum, including TheUnderdog) were telling me to get alternate things to do other than porn. I didn't mention the Life Plan part that TheUnderdog represents.

    I'm glad I told my psychiatrist this, the downside is now I can't pretend that it's not an addiction, or that I have no moral obligation to quit. Which is probably good for me anyway. I guess I have to keep at trying to quit.

    Life plan

    I haven't looked at my life plan recently. I think I wrote down that I wanted more relationships with other people in my life. Well, I talked to an old friend over the internet, and I am getting one family member to come over for fun sometime soon, and I'm e-mailing a couple other people who are family or family friends, so it sounds like I'm getting somewhere on this front. I'll go check my life plans out now. You know, I almost didn't put thise Life Plan section in this journal entry, even though it's probably the most important thing.

    Getting along better with neighbours... so far a little better, slightly... Good relationship with psychiatrist... yes, seems really good so far... More self-esteem and confidence... yes, since I started refraining from porn again recently and trying to reboot again... Employment... well it's possible people might hire me to fix their computers soon... I am slightly increasing in hobbies maybe... my houseplant is growing so that's a good sign... I did get a kitchen table that's a lot better than the one I was using... Eating new and more interesting food, a little, check... Speakers for one of my computers, not exactly what I wrote down, but I did write down speakers for my television, so maybe good enough for now... I got back my Netflix account for TV and movies, so check... Thought of another option for counselling since I'm hesitant on counselling, for example, I could hire a psychiatrist... Got my teeth fixed (it turns out it was only one that needed fixing)... There's a couple other things I put in my life plans list that might be significant progress.

    Holy cow I have made slight progress in about most of what I wrote down... I don't know how I did or managed that. I guess it's true, you should do a little at a time and make progress... I'm impressed with how well this is working, seriously, and how good TheUnderdog's advice is.

    Still lacking: not that many friends, not talking to any women who aren't family or family friends, not employed yet, not interacting well with most people, not really having a lot of fun, not getting out of the house so easily, not really having much physical activity, not learning martial arts or any other hobby or physical activity, not really in contact with my church anymore, didn't get my haircut, and well, most of what I've listed is only some progress, not tonnes.

    I should make another life plan list, this time more focused on what I can really do in the next 6 months to one year... Okay I just wrote that down, basing it highly on most the other things I wrote down in my previous life plans. I guess that might be enough life planning for today.

    Filtering

    I still have two types of filtering on my computer. I think my next step should probably be to copy these two filters to all of the other computers that I have going in my house. (I have a total of four computers capable of being turned on at the moment.) I think I have to do this in addition to the mega filter project I was thinking of doing. The mega filter project is the filter computer that would firewall all connections that couldn't be filtered, and might have a report to someone feature if it's every disconnected or powered off. I don't know when or if I can do this, but I'm getting the feeling now that I will have to build up to it. I have, in fact, installed what I think might be the requisite software, but I haven't really tried to get it working yet. (Like the post I like that occams_razor says.) It's late, but maybe I can work a little on that tonight.

    I know I've already mentioned it, but I also don't know how I'm going to filter out things that are not really porn. Well, it's my home and I can filter out whatever I want to, but it seems insane to me to filter out everything that might have a woman I might get attracted to. I get attracted to a lot of women after all. Especially after 100 days no MO. So, I guess I'll have to make judgement calls on what to filter. Maybe it might be better to have the risky material, the clearly sexual images but clothed, available. That way if I start look at it I know I'm relapsing (or failing). Maybe yes, maybe no, I don't know. I think I should block all things that are of naked people for a sexual purpose. I am unsure what to do about the other categories.

    I am unsure what to do about television or streaming video services that usually don't have nakedity, but sometimes do. I kind of want these services around for something to do, something for my mind to do that's not porn, but sometimes naked people are on it. Obviously the right thing to do would be just to turn it off if something like that comes up. Probably I should just turn it off and take a break to recoup my psychological energy, instead of just changing the channel or watching something else. Anyway I am not sure what to do if I intentionally watch something that has sex or nudity in it on TV or Netflix. Maybe I should have consequences for myself if I even start to look at something like that, before the nakedness actually comes up.

    Maybe the consequences should be to play a video game. If I haven't actually looked at porn yet, it might be a reasonably and healthy alternative activity.

    End section

    Okay, I think I've written a lot out today. I think I'm done rambling for now. I'm going to try and test out my filter on my proxy/filter computer now.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I went to install the filtering. I got it to work a little, but then I irrationally and foolishly went to test it. It turns out that it doesn't work at all on https:// (TLS- or SSL-encrypted websites). I knew that in the back of my mind, somewhere. Anyway I ended up peeking for like an hour off and on, so now I'm here to report this and list my lessons learned.

    Thinking about how good life was getting and how that would be ruined if I would keep that up, and how not-confident I would get around people, and I would like dumb to you guys, helped me stop looking at it.

    Lessons learned

    I'm going to need to copy my block lists to all my computers, because the main big filter project I was trying to set up isn't going to work yet.

    I should also just not go on the WWW if I'm tired, and I'm very, very tired now. It shoots what little self-control and impulse control I have left.

    Thinking about quitting porn too much may be making me think about sex and porn too much, even if it is well-intended. So maybe I shouldn't post on this forum so much.

    Honestly, maybe I shouldn't even have the internet on while I'm very tired. Maybe I shouldn't even connect it until know I have self-control and until I make a to-do list before I go on the internet.

    Filtering

    The website filtering software I installed doesn't process SSL or TLS websites, nor could it, if the encryption is done correctly. Like I said above I knew that somewhere. I had hoped it would be effective somewhere in some way. Maybe I can still use this filter to block websites on a hostname basis.

    As for which hostnames to block, maybe I should block everything I tend to use for a sexual purpose, if I use it more for sex than legitimate uses.

    Final section

    In short I'm dumb and stupid for looking up porn, and maybe the lessons learned above will help. In the mean time, maybe I should read a book and go to bed.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
  5. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Downloading the whole of Project Gutenberg? Wow.

    I've got a Kindle with an "experimental browser" feature, so I can download books directly onto the Kindle. There are pros and cons to that. A downside is that it makes me more likely to stop reading a book and go download a new one. My old ebook reader had no internet capability so I had to hook it up to a computer to put new books onto it.

    That's a very common thing to do after setting up some kind of filter. I've done it myself. It's funny how the "addict mind" adapts really quickly to new situations. "Hey, why not give this filter a quick test? It's just a little test, right? Go on.." lol.
     
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  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    Still pretty clean. No peeking or porn or masturbation since last. I haven't really needed to exercise NoA, although I think that will change. To be honest, now that I mention it, I saw a lot of women today in nice clothes because the weather was really hot. I avoided looking at them and drinking it in, except for one, who was really nice looking and probably too young for me. In retrospect I wish I hadn't even seen her. I almost didn't remember to mention NoA in this journal... I'm probably going to have to remember it every day.

    I'm expecting to run out of emotional energy for doing this abstinence and NoA real soon now. And I guess I will have nothing to rely on except my life plan and my filtering.

    I feel less confident and more guilty than I have for the past few days. Probably from peaking at all that porn last night. Just, normal consequences, I guess. Maybe I can keep that in mind the next time I think that just sneaking a tiny little peek (it's never a tiny little peek) will help.

    Life plan

    I have done nothing on my life plan today, although I did try to take care of two errands. Probably it's okay that I'm taking a break on it today after writing up a long list and in that way working hard on it last night.

    I might e-mail a woman my age I've talked to before and see if she's willing to have any kind of talking relationship with me, that would help my life plan goal of having more healthy relationships, and possibly also the life plan goal of having a romantic relationship.

    Filtering

    Like I said before, I tested some filtering software, but it doesn't filter much due to the Web mostly being SSL/TLS-encrypted nowadays. However I did upload my hosts file block lists to that computer, and the Firefox extension Simple Filter's blocklist. I even added two websites which I often have to go for porn, and one site I pretty much only ever to go to for sexual pictures. I guess that's a good thing, although in the future I might keep the two websites that I go to for porn, only, on the blocklist.

    Probably I can find a way to ban hostnames at the network level. I am not sure making the dead-man's-switch filter will be helpful at all now. I might have to rely on willpower to keep me from disabling filtering, even the Simple Filter. That sounds like a bad idea but I can't think of anything else right now because I'm tired. Maybe when I'm rested I'll be able to think of filtering ideas again.

    Actually, maybe I should just get rid of all the computers in my house that I'm not immediately using. This may cut my list of computers down to two. And then it would be easier to keep my two blocklists updated on those computers. This might be a big deal for me because I kind of collect computers, but honestly, I feel like they are kind of oppressing me by fully surrounding me in my apartment when I don't really need them. Maybe I should give them away or sell them.

    Reply to @occams_razor here

    Well, the website had instructions for just downloading all the HTML editions. So I started that.

    Heh, it's like you're in my head somewhat. Yeah, pretty much.

    Rewarding myself

    I am thinking that maybe I should reward myself a lot for all the work and effort I've put into trying to quit. I bought myself strawberries and ice cream, which taste good together. I've also bought Netflix (I already mentioned this), and I am making myself play a video game to help bring back enjoyment into my life.

    I have read from more than one source that rewarding yourself is one of the most important things you can do to help yourself quit an addiction. I am not too good with rewarding myself, so I'm kind of just guessing on what I like and that is also healthy for me. The one thing I can't reward myself with, though, is images of naked people.

    Yeah, rewarding myself is new to me, and I'm not very good at it yet. Maybe I should reward myself for doing the work of trying to find out what rewards myself. TV rewards me too, including on Netflix. Maybe I should just try playing with toys like a child again, or running around and playing outside, or play a sport alone or with other people.

    Counselling

    That last comment about me playing children's games to reward myself has reminded me that I probably need some counselling or psychological help. I still think that I do, but I don't really know which kind. There is counselling, therapy, psychologist's assessment and psychotherapy, and psychiatric treatment. Probably at this point I would like to see a psychologist now. (At least today I practice on computers a bit to see if I can try selling computers.) I have a bunch of psychologists in the area's websites open in tabs at the moment, but I haven't really picked one out or decided between assessment, psychotherapy or both.

    But even if I do all of the above I will still need family, friends, psychiatrist, church and maybe one or two other people.

    Worship gatherings

    This means church. Who was it who reminded me to go to church? @SeekingWisdom it is not so easy for me to go to church, but I'm still trying to think of a way to make it easier or more possible. I doubt I can go next Sunday, and I guess I'm kind of stuck on going at all. I wrote a pastor an e-mail and I read about 1-2 chapters of the Bible today, if it helps anyway.

    Final section

    I had a lot to say. I'm glad I got the idea to post.

    Mostly I was dumb to check out porn again yesterday, and I'm getting the guilt and low confidence today that are the normal consequences I think.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
    SeekingWisdom likes this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    No porn or masturbation since last. My confidence is slightly increasing every day I'm doing something about not looking at porn, and maybe also just not looking at it I guess.

    Oh yeah, since about I started my latest rebooting attempt, some mornings I have been waking up with a soft morning wood. It was like I had erections during the night that hadn't entirely gone away when I've woken up. I hear this is a symptom of early rebooting progress.

    No flat line or really serious urges to look up porn yet. I'm sure they will catch up to me. I think I'm still on that emotional high that comes from starting a new project, or a new rebooting attempt. I think this time I have more of a a chance because my life is a lot better in several ways, and it's significantly easier for me to find other thing sto do than computers and internet, and significantly easier for me to go outside and just do nothing or stay out of trouble.

    I think all of that is true, but I still think that I need a lot more things to do, and more people to talk to if I want this rebooting attempt to stick. I am working on those things in the life plan, by buying myself video game gift cards and e-mailing people I know. I think it's some of what I need, but only a small part. I'm saying I think I need to cook up some more ideas on things to do other than sit at home near porn all day.

    Life plan

    I bought a few things today that may help with my life plan, including a fan to help me not be so hot. I did e-mail a woman my own age I know, but no reply yet. She might think I'm being bad by e-mailing her so much (about 3-4 e-mails per year). I still intend to try again, but I don't know what to do if she doesn't write back, or if it's negative. Yeah, I'm fixated on this woman and I know I'm not supposed to bother or hound anyone, but I am sure that I don't really know what she wants me to do. Anyway I bought some other things in the store to help.

    Filtering (porn blocking)

    I still only have the hosts and Simple Filter (or Simple Blocker?) block lists on two computers. I haven't tried to test them lately. My idea is still to get rid of every computer I don't directly need, or is not going to make me money, either through giving away, recycling, or selling the computers. This may help with my filtering for a wihle, or just with clearing my head because I'm starting to feel surrounded by computers, and not in a good way. I guess it's because I'm older now.

    The computer with a filter with a dead-man's switch, by which I just mean monitoring to see if I disable the filter or disconnect the computer to try and bypass the filter, may still be possible but I don't have many ideas at the moment. My plan is to look into it in the next few days. I guess the reports could go to my brother if I try to do disable or circumvent the filter.

    Final section

    Not much going on except me living life significantly better while being porn free. I'm glad I'm trying. I hope all you guys reading this try too. I had given up, but my life is better already, even though I'm still addicted. It's just better because my head is clearer, I feel less guilty and anxious, and I am somewhat more confident and I am wasting less time and energy.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    No porn or M since last. I think I'm still high on emotional energy, which I think is what is making me able to not look at porn. I also have some hope that this rebooting attempt might be the one that works, due to all the previous problems I've solved in order to help make it work. However, even if it fails, maybe I can make it far enough to learn a number of lessons that will help with the next one. Actually I don't think my chances are good for rebooting unless 1) I get a lot of other activities to do other than porn, and 2) I get some really good, serious filtering in place, or removal of internet completely. I know I keep mentioning those two items, but I think I will discuss my plans to do with them below.

    Actually, all is not perfect here. I realised sometime when I was fiddling around with a computer today, that I could look up porn on it, and that it wasn't one of the ones I had installed filtering on. It's not even my computer. I'm just setting stuff up on it in the hopes of getting money some day. I didn't look up porn, but it was humbling. I still have that addicted mind. I think I'm even saturated with the idea, in my mind, that I'm not really addicted to porn, that I can handle it, or even that it isn't wrong, or that I'll never get in trouble or even have the slightest consequences for it. Meanwhile it is wrong (for me), I've gotten caught lots of times, I've had hundreds of items of unwanted consequences, I'm completely and thoroughly addicted, I can't handle it in the slightest, and it's a substantial part of why my life is bad. (It's less bad than it used to be due to me taking action, and not looking at porn.)

    So, I don't know how to be honest with myself about being completely addicted to porn. I guess I was thinking that after 50 or 100 days of abstinence it would be confirmed to me that I was being a fool with porn, and I would think clearly about it and come to my senses. I think there's no reason to believe that, though. I guess I'll try to keep thinking about how to give in to believing that I'm addicted to porn and then take it seriously.

    I had a thought today (while I was sitting at a computer with filtering installed on it), that I had to face porn addiction, troubles in life, and all regular difficulties in life, without going back to porn, no matter how bad the cravings, troubles and difficulties were, I had to face them, however badly, without looking up porn even once. And maybe that it was better to deal with life incompetently, as long as I was seriously trying my best, than to ignore my problems and look at porn instead. Maybe this was my first thought in the Porn Is Not An Option mindset that around here people recommend (and rightly so). But I'm still working on NoA, so maybe Porn Is Not An Option will come afterwards. (And then maybe I'll come, in a healthy and intimate way with a real woman, after all this addiction is out the window.)

    Speaking of NoA, I think I had to turn down about 5 sexual thoughts today, not including porn temptations. I don't know if this is good or bad. I think it's not a lot compared to the sexual thoughts I would normally get if I was healthy and not addicted to porn. A while back I developed a thing I would do while on NoA (or "Monk Mode" as I may have thought of it as the time). That thing was this: When the thoughts of sexual things, or sexual temptations, got too much for me, every now and then I would sit on the floor, cross-legged, as if meditating, for 45 minutes to 1 hour, and then just think about how bad it was to be going without sex, normal sex, and with another person, without having a sexual relationship with anybody, how much it was undesirable and not normal, and not that way that people were supposed to function, physically. I would groan in discomfort but after the hour was over I'd feel a lot better. Note: Do not do this too much, and don't do it two days in a row, you may harm yourself. I did.

    However my sense of right and wrong, and confidence and clear conscience are still growing all the time I keep my rebooting attempt going and I don't look at porn or nudity or masturbate to any of those things, or of fantasies. I'm even having thoughts of previous intense or stressful events and I feel more powerful in mind to confront them and make them turn into happier memories by virtue of the fact that my life is somewhat improving now. I'm also more confident in doing things that I wouldn't have considered before, like travelling to go visit places or people. So, the benefits are rapidly occurring to me, from my perspective anyway.

    I'm still getting intense dreams or nightmares almost every night. I think this has something to do with withdrawal from internet porn, or that my mind is ready to confront some things that are disturbing me now that it's not clogged up and waterlogged with porn. Either that or it's due to an increase in my medication, or both.

    Life plan

    I don't remember if I posted this, but I bought a few things that I needed. It also occurred to me to ask for my step-parents home razor so I can give myself a buzz cut. I'm also continuing to contact family and friends over the internet with some success. I know these are all small things, but I am finding that if I keep doing the necessary small things, they pile up in a good way and you make life progress.

    I guess my life plan point at this point is to have as good as possible a life in this apartment, without overwhelming myself in stress or living beyond my means (paying for things that I can't afford). I think this is the first time I have the main point of my life plan on my journal or anywhere else. (Side note: I may as well tell my family and friends about my life plan, it does not really contain much I would like to keep secret in it, and maybe they can possibly help.) Actually this is the first time I've really decided that that was the conclusion, to make the best of the situation I'm in at the moment. Which sounds like a good idea and common sense.

    I've been trying to set up a self-employment where I troubleshoot and repair computers. Honestly I think I should put that off until I get several other priorities met. I actually don't need money, I just wanted some for no particular reason. Now that I mention it, the other priorities are very important compared to working.

    As for romance, I need to talk about this a bit. I think I am the type of person who is hesitant about having sex outside of a romantic, committed, marriage-like long-term relationship. I have been thinking lately that I might be willing to have sex outside of marriage if I was going to marry the person anyway. (Although I'm told that almost always makes the relationship worse.) I have mentioned this before on my journal, a long time ago now, that I can't have sex outside of marriage, and I can't imagine getting married anytime soon. I don't even know with whom I would get married. There is the woman I like, but it's wrong to expect her or pressure her into marriage, even if she thinks it's a good idea, which she hopefully won't unless I have like a house and all of my life in perfect order and plenty of money and prospects, etc. I think that I am not ready to get married, but I'm not ready to go without sex for years either. I am anxious about, or dread, (more) years of going without sex, but I don't think I could have sex outside of marriage, either. I don't know what I am going to do about that.

    Filtering

    I still have the two filtering sets installed on two of my computers. I guess my plan is to get rid of all the other computers. I plan to keep looking up ways to filter even SSL/TLS-encrypted traffic, if I can somehow do it securely, with mitmweb or perhaps some other software. Also I can just block domains somehow with my own custom DNS server I guess. As long as I have the two filters above and a plan to get rid of the rest of my computers, I think that might be all the filtering I need for this stage in rebooting. As long as I keep thinking about how to put in a filter I think I might be well on my way.

    Final section

    I dread the idea of setting at my computer for another 10 years, iron-willing myself not to look up internet porn, and in the mean time being sexually starved and sick. That probably won't happen if I keep trying to live life outside of computers, and interacting with others. But I am still anxious about it. Other than that, things are good for a rebooting attempt I suppose. I hope the woman I like doesn't mind me mentioning her in front of a bunch of admitted internet porn addicts.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    No porn or M.

    You know how I kept saying that I figured I was on an emotional high and that when it ran out I would no longer find it easy to fight off temptation? Well, I think that emotional high of starting a probably successful rebooting attempt has run out. This happened 1-2 days ago I think. The temptation to look up porn or to M to fantasies has increased dramatically since then.

    What to look at, and what not to look at

    I know the adage around here is, "If you have to ask, then no, don't look at it." I'm still having trouble deciding what is or isn't porn for me. If it doesn't cause arousal in me, or make me lust or ogle over women, or trigger me or even encourage or tempt me to look at porn, and it's not nakedness itself, then maybe it's okay.

    Overlapping this issue is that recently I downloaded a bunch of music videos from YouTube. Some of the videos are very sexy, and I plan to watch them all, I don't really know why. Maybe it will help make it so I can see a beautiful woman, or some aspect of her chest or legs or shape, whether on a screen or in real life, and then not completely lose my mind over it. Although I am 40 I get easily completely overwhelmed by a woman's figure or woman's body parts. Perhaps some of that sharp edge should be taken off for me if I want to be a functional adult, or if I want to be able get over internet porn. Because I'm way too astonished or in awe of women's bodies as it is, and temporarily not giving a crap about them could really help me reboot. So I plan to do something about this or come up with something in the future.

    Filtering

    Is the same as before, two computers with two types of filtering, fairly possible to disable, and no other computers protected. My idea is still to sell, give away or recycle the other computers. The temptations are getting stronger now, and I guess I will have to do something to make these filters more secure. I don't really have any ideas yet, but I guess I can check out mitmweb, see if I can blacklist hostnames and URLs in that or e2guardian or Dansguardian, and research on the WWW how to do pornography filtering. Maybe tomorrow, I'm very tired now.

    Alternate (offline) activities

    I made sure my TV works for as many channels as it can get a few weeks ago, and I re-bought Netflix, and I'm e-mailing my brothers for help in doing alternate things than sit in front of a computer with internet access. I bought Steam dollars for a game that doesn't require internet access to enjoy, but it's not porn anyway so I guess that doesn't matter. I'm still going outside and just enjoying myself. I also watch TV on antennae and on the WWW.

    Life plan

    Believe it or not, a beautiful woman, a neighbour, came out and talked to me yesterday. She's met me before and we've talked, and she's very beautiful and young, and she came and talked to me of her own free will. I guess she was curious about my computers, and I had a haircut so I looked less like a criminal, and I think she's pretty street wise, so maybe she knows I'm a goody-goody and knows I'm safe. But it's boosting my confidence to have an actual very attractive young woman and come up and talk to me for no reason other than that she was curious I guess. She's intelligent and has a good attitude and is smart, as wise for her age, too.

    This goes under the life plan section because it's life plan goals to have more friends, be on good terms with my neighbours, and get a girlfriend. No reply from the other girl I messaged yet, either. Maybe I should work on my wiki site (see below) and send that to her to impress her.

    Feeling stuck at my computer

    I have a couple times complained that I really wasn't looking forward to rebooting because I feared that I would spend months or even over a year where all my waking hours would be spent sitting at my computer, reading or viewing mindless crap, trying to resist the urge to look at porn all my waking hours, sitting at a computer with a practically unlimited supply of porn connected to it. In order to avoid this thing from happening, or even starting, I forced myself to go outside today. It went pretty well, I was left alone and I was at peace, and I just sat (or laid) around thinking or fiddling with my computer. At least I know now that I'm not going get very bad consequences automatically just for going outside when I feel cornered in my house by porn.

    Life plan again

    I set up a personal wiki website to write down all the events of my life on it. It's not accessible from the internet yet, but I am planning on making it available over encryption, and if someone has the right username and password. Think of it as my personal organiser and equivalent to Facebook. I plan to put all my life stuff on this website and let trusted family members, and probably also friends, read it and even edit it and write in their changes or even comments. Plus they could talk to me about it when they next meet me or talk to me over the internet. In this way I hope to get some support from my family (and friends) on going after my life goals.

    Another person I talk to on IRC gave me a bunch of tips on setting up computer repair as a side business. So I plan to clean out more of my apartment and then maybe print out fliers and spread the word around that I'll fix computers for half the price as the stores, or something like that. So this could make me feel more useful and give me some spare cash. I guess I could save the money, pay for psychologist or counselling, or donate it to people who are more needy than me, or buy more things that aren't porn for me to do, or grow the business, or buy a computer. Probably I should hoard it until I have a plan.

    Final section

    No porn or M since last, still find women to be overwhelming, going to experiment with non-naked imagery, a very beautiful woman came up to me and wanted to talk to me of her own volition, I still have filtering but it needs a lot of work and I need to get rid of a few computers, I'm still getting outside despite me being nervous and rigid for trying to refrain from binging on porn, and I guess I made slight progress on my life plan recently, though I should go back over the original documents and try them again.

    Edit: And thanks for liking my post @SeekingWisdom, and I'm tagging you again to get you to read my posts if you want to. I don't know when I'll get back to church, but I'm thinking about it and praying about it. I guess I can listen to the most recent sermons now.
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    Still no porn or M since last. Not much effort is being required to abstain. Well, actually I came very close I think yesterday. I looked up a video that I knew had sexy content and possibly nudity. I closed the video before it played past the warning screen about the nudity, but I knew I shouldn't have clicked on it or opened it up in the first place. I guess I shouldn't have gone anywhere near it.

    Lessons learned

    Even though I didn't look at porn, I am still making a lessons learned section. I came pretty darned close, though. I'm ashamed of myself. But yeah, it looks like I just shouldn't have gone near that YouTube page because I knew that there might be sexual material in there. And there was, and it was just as bone-headed as all my recent relapses (this year). Maybe I should report it to YouTube for adults only content. Maybe I should find a way to disable private browsing mode in Firefox, or at least when it is opened.

    I think I'm still triggered by this video. I don't know how to get less triggered. Do I go for a walk or something? Do something boring? Exercises? I'll try sit-ups.

    A minute has gone buy (I wrote the below section) and I feel less triggered now. Maybe just confessing it is enough for me.

    When to look and when not

    I am unsure about when and how I can look at women. What if it's their pretty faces and there's nothing sexual to it at all? And their beautiful hair? Does it matter how old they are? What's the difference between looking, and possibly longing, over beauty, and doing something that's related to sex? I don't know where to put the border or line yet. I am unsure when to look and whom to look at.

    Life plan

    A lot of my life plan requires mental health on my part. (Does any good life plan not need mental and physical health?) I have seen my psychiatrist twice recently, both times I've journalled about here. I am trying to do as he says. I don't know if it's me doing what he says, or me rebooting, or what, but I'm feeling very significantly better recently. (Maybe half of what I needed was a haircut.)

    I am in a little more contact with family and family friends. This helps the relationships part of my life plan a lot. I bought a video game and last night I watched a movie I'd never seen before. These small things are acts of kindness to myself that I perhaps badly need, and are okay to do.

    I would rather go to school than work, but I seem to have started a side-business of troubleshooting and repairing computers. I guess, as far as my life plan goes, I will try not to let it take over my life, and only do this work after I've gotten all my other life plan stuff done (psychiatrist, relationships, schooling). It should only be a side-business or evenings-only sort of thing, no matter how much money I make. The first priority is to get well.

    Counselling and therapy

    I want to get one or both of these, and I think I'm still on one of the waiting lists. But I want to have family and friends and a reasonably not bad life, too. No therapist is going to solve all of my problems. I'm glad I looked up therapists in the area and I maybe I should think about which one I like the best.

    Filtering

    I have done nothing special with filtering. I've only tried to think about how to filter a little more.

    I could really use a lot more filtering, though. Wouldn't it be nice if the big websites, like Google, could set a metainformation tag to HTTP and just tell my browser, or my filter, that it's NSFW or has pictoral or video nudity? I don't think if any real reason against it, if it's all voluntary at each end. But I don't have a solution so far.

    Final section

    My sections are jumbled today, and different things are going into different sections that don't belong. Mainly I wanted to post because I hadn't in a while. But it's a good thing I did, because I think I'm still triggered from the sexual-related video that I just started yesterday. I guess I got to figure out how to get untriggered now.
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    It's not long since I last posted. I just wanted to post because I figured it was important to post about me being triggered. I'm still triggered, and I didn't do the pushups last night. Although confessing me looking at something inappropriate with probable or implied nudity or sexual things here may have helped. This time I'm going to go do the sit-ups for real. I did a total of four sit-ups and I guess I feel a little less aroused or triggered.

    Yeah, clicking on that URL looking at that was stupid and it was violation of both the NoA and no porn rules. If it's got naked people, and it's sexual, it's probably porn, almost definitely to me. I don't know why I didn't think about that before I clicked on it. I need a plan for this, because I can't keep doing that. It would be the same as looking at pornography if I kept looking at triggering pictures, closing those pages, and then spending 1-1.5 days afterwards trying to recover.

    Over all I am still feeling more positive, better attitude, more alert, significantly more confident. I am happier and enjoying life a lot more, and am feeling lot less guilty.

    Meditation

    I get intense dreams a lot, maybe most nights. An acquaintance of mine on the Internet suggested that I think or meditate on them. This has been working out, and could count as the meditation.

    Schedule

    I don't remember, but I think it's been recommended on here many times that you should have a schedule if you want to quit internet porn. It sounds good to me, plus I've heard it's helpful for many, many other reasons, like for having any kind of a decent life to begin with (Jordan Peterson reminds people to do it too). Well, I don't have a schedule yet, but at least I made a list of things to do and I have a rough order of priorities before I do things. I'm going to try to do this this week I guess.

    Life plan

    I bought some video games recently. It was about 5 years ago now that I read on Your Brain On Porn to get a brain training game, and I bought Brain Age 2. For physical activity I bought some Wii games. I actually had a lot of fun playing it last night, even though it wasn't all that advanced. This is helping with the physical activity part of my recovery, but I'm writing it down in the life plan section because I don't know what section I should use. I am also trying to take care of myself by getting wholesome entertainment every day.

    I'm going to try to start a romantic relationship with the girl who came over to talk to me a few days ago if I can, and she's single. It'd be a very big deal to me because she's very attractive and because I haven't had a serious girlfriend for about 15 years. And because she's kind and intelligent and reasonably mature and generally a real, serious person, and it's a lot of responsibility on my end to take care of her and my end of the relationship. I'm very nervous about it. Or she'll not be remotely interested or be unavailable, I don't even know.

    Lessons learned

    I think I'm still slightly triggered by the sexual YouTube clip I saw the tile of and started to watch a few days ago. It's slowly going down as I deal with other things in real life. I guess if I keep trying to behave well and not go anywhere near internet porn, the feeling of being slightly triggered will diminish or eventually go away, in time. Another lesson learned is to have filtering. At least if I have filtering that I think that I can't get around it might be a psychological barrier that might get it so I don't even try to look up internet porn.

    Filtering

    I think I should give up on the filtering computer, and buy a DSL modem that I can put a filter on. That way it will catch all internet traffic on my internet connection, and I will not need a dead-man's-switch for it since it is the modem. I can put a password on it and give the password to someone, my brother possibly. Or just give them an envelope and tell them what it is and ask them to keep it for me. I'll go look up modems now. I wasn't able to look up modems. Maybe the next time I post I'll have some new information to report.

    Final section

    My life is getting a lot better whenever I focus on working on my life for a couple hours every day, and if I don't look at porn, intentionally think about things that would get me aroused, and if I don't have fantasies or masturbate. Jordan Peterson's advice on PragerU YouTube channel, "Stop doing things that you know are wrong!" seems to be helping me, too. I should read that man's book. My life is so much better it's worth it to live just like this, even if I don't reboot all the way. But I hope I get my forethought, planning, impulse control and sense of right and wrong finer and more comprehensive back, too. (This part is called rewiring, and getting your prefrontal cortex to be running and used again and is the main part about rebooting.)
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    No porn or M since last. I am still feeling every so slightly triggered by the video I keep mentioning. (I haven't looked at it, by the way.) I also just watched a movie which has some pretty sexy scenes, though for me it doesn't take much to seem very sexy to me. So I feel slightly triggered, somewhat aroused, and since I feel like I had a long day now I want to reward myself with porn. Obviously I can't do that. I thought the movie would reward me but I think it's aroused me instead. Probably watching it was a bad idea. There was no nudity, just some attractive and sexily dressed women. How do I get un-aroused and un-triggered?

    I'm going to try listening to educational YouTube videos and playing my Wii exercise games.

    Life plan

    I think I'm starting to have an all-out crush on my attractive neighbour who came over to talk to me. It doesn't help that both her and the woman in the movie are attractive, slim, and have the same hair colour. Now I'm daydreaming about having her as my girlfriend, and I have side-barred into sexual fantasies many times already. I can't do that, I mean the fantasies, if I want to quit porn. It contradicts the NoA plan entirely. However, having her as a girlfriend and some intimate and affectionate touching some day might be great for me. (And hopefully for her, too.) I think I'm going to pursue having her as a girlfriend if she doesn't think I'm disgusting.

    Like I said in my last post, I am starting to feel good. I think me purchasing my TV and VCR equipment, video games and streaming television, and other in-home entertainment, has really helped my mind and my mood. I guess it was a wise plan after all. My psychiatrist also increased the dosage of the medication I'm on. Maybe that's helping a lot too. I'm sure he'll say it is, and he'll probably be right. Either way I intend to keep taking the increased dosage like my doctor told me to.

    Feelings of elation

    I am elated, over how well things are going, which isn't healthy. They aren't going that well anyway, I think I just have elation over quitting porn and that it will be easy, the idea that after that my life will be excellent and wonderful with no effort after all. All of those things are false, of course. Quitting porn won't be easy, assuming I even do it, and life will continue to be hard with or without my internet porn habit. So, I guess my home work will be to come down to earth again, and get some reasonable feelings. Otherwise, I think this will blow up in my face and I'll be worse off than ever if I give up and keep relapsing.

    You know what might work well for me? 1-3 days without internet completely. I don't really have a way to do that except to unplug and maybe hide my modem, so maybe I can remember just to be very careful before I sit in front of a computer with the internet connected to it. Well, I'll try disconnecting at least one computer, this one, to see if that helps. It may slow me down, at least, and help with my internet addiction. Also I'm going to try to calm down and not do much tomorrow, and see if that helps make the feelings of elation go away. Or stay down in activity level until they do go away.

    Final section

    Take care rebooters. Make your life the way it's supposed to be.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    It's been about three days since I last posted. I think I ought to have posted last night, but I was too lazy, and my rebellious addicted brain decided it would be better to rest than to help save myself from a whole lifetime of failure and misery and wasted life addicted to internet porn. I think a schedule might help with that, which I can talk about below.

    I have mixed news. I have MOed three times since last, which is about once per day. The first one was 3 days ago, and it was set off (triggered) by the triggering YouTube video I keep talking about, the movie with sexy parts I mentioned, and perhaps fantasising about women that I like, for example the girl I keep mentioning lately. I haven't learned real lessons from those things yet but I'll try and write stuff up below.

    I avoided the "chaser effect" two nights ago, but the other two MOs were with fantasies, which I did last night, were just me not trying to not look at porn. I think I only did them because I wasn't taking this rebooting thing seriously. I do not regret the first MO very much. At least it came with some lessons learned. I'm thinking it might be a lot, lot more important for me to learn lessons at this point in rebooting, than to just abstain for a long time for no reason. I'll discuss lessons learned below.

    A few times, different ideas to look at internet porn, or read text porn, has occurred to me. Mostly these thoughts seem to have occurred to me with the idea, or thought that I could go and look up my favourite porn ("for a few minutes"), and somehow still continue my rewiring plan, which is insane. I guess it's partially based on the thought that a 3-4 minutes, every now and then, 1-2 times for a rebooting attempt, and maybe 1 time every 3-4 years after that, I would be able to look at or read porn I like with 0 downside or problems. I guess I am actually thinking this with my addicted mind. I will probably never quit porn until I understand in every part of my consciousness that I will never get to look at porn, my favourite or otherwise, again, even for only 3 minutes every 1-4 years. Or even for a split second, if it's intentionally or deliberately careless...

    In other words, my mind isn't ready to quit internet porn at all. Because looking at pornography regularly, or intentionally or carelessly ever, is internet porn addiction almost by definition. I guess I might have a huge amount of work ahead of me. However, I still think my two-part plan of working to solve all my life problems, and also have limited and/or filtered internet access might be a working plan. However, I think I should get a psychotherapist to help me with the plan to quit internet porn. (See below.)

    One more note, and this isn't a happy note, either. Some thoughts have happened to me 1-2 days ago about how awful and despicable what I've been getting women, often young, to do on the internet is. This thought and maybe ones like it might be bothering me for 20-40 years from now, even if I quit porn perfectly, and consume 0 porn again. I guess I'll have to deal with the regret and guilt for the rest of my life. I regret not quitting 20 years ago and I way really should never have started. I guess I probably should make amends, donate to charity or something to help with the rue and guilt of all the porn I've viewed.

    Negotiating with self, and motivation

    I have been forgetting to add this section and how important it is. You know, I don't have much motivation except that I figure life will be significantly better without internet porn, and that I would like to have less problems to do with life, and I would like my frontal lobes to be working again so I can be better at thinking, planning, forethought, executive decisions and impulse control, and outsmarting other people and doing better in life.

    Actually I should have a tonne more reasons than this, but maybe also a wishlist of things I'd like from life that would make me happy to live and make me want to do without porn always. Speaking of making me happy to be without porn, I had a few thoughts a few months ago that I think I haven't shared here yet. I think I absolutely have to negotiate with myself about forever not looking at porn (and maybe almost all sex fantasies).

    When I think about really quitting internet porn addiction, I think I don't think it's for real, or maybe I even get really angry about the concept, as if it was like almost murdering me or taking away a mistress I thought I was entitled to. I've heard from wise sources that you have to make friends with yourself and Jordan Peterson says that you can and have to negotiate with yourself, and that it's easy to tell when you are and aren't willing to do if you propose it to yourself in thought. It looks like I will have to negotiate with myself on living without porn forever, even though I should just do it because it's the right thing. I'll have to think about how I can do this and how it will be possible to give myself what I want instead of porn.

    Also I think I need to believe that I'll one day have a normal marriage-like and sexual relationship for at least 20 years with a woman I like and find attractive, and I don't know how I'm going to do that at all either. I don't think I can allow myself 30-40 years of dead sexual frustration.

    Life plan

    As per TheUnderdog's epic recommendation, I am putting the Life Plan section ahead of the Lessons Learned section to remind myself to make improving my life my high priority in life. Let me look at the last edition of my life plan file now...

    Well, I got one more item of furniture, I got rid of one item in my bedroom which might help Jordan Peterson-up my bedroom, I finished technology work which is promised to be paid for, and I tried cooking something new which seems to have gone okay. It would probably be a lot better if I didn't look like a weirdo or pervert outside, and/or if I had 1-2 female friends or girlfriends. (Actually, I seem to be having some difficulty with the reality that it's wrong and probably impossible to have more than one girlfriend at the same time, and probably not a good idea anyway. Does anyone think this is from porn, shitty TV, or just not enough experience?)

    All that said I say my life is improving a lot every six months or so, as long as I keep taking positive action and don't do bone-headedly dumb or self-destructive things. Again, it looks like the small steps cumulative really help benefit your life. I have changed my mind on a couple of those, so I can remove them. ... I wrote my fifth life plan file since starting my rebooting attempt just now. It's fairly emotional and I think I'm going to have to process that soon. I think that's enough work on life planning for today, I can read it later. It does reflect changes in my perspective and improvements to my life recently. The goals are less deep down and basic, which is a good thing.

    Lessons learned

    I'm dividing my lessons learned into a few sections.

    Sex obsession

    This one's hard. I don't and can't seem to stop thinking about sex. It's quite a lot of the day for me, it's possibly most of my free thought. I keep thinking about sex to do with solving society's problems to do with sex (as if I should worry about them more than me!), helping other people to do with sex guilt, how to help everyone have the most pleasurable or extremely intimate sex... It's not helping me to think about all this sex stuff all the time. I want to help others and society, but, honestly, I should probably just drop it until I've been clean for 2-3 years and have gotten psychologically treated and talked to every day people about sex. (I think I'm going to put this in my life plan 5 now.)

    So, I guess I'm going to have to give up thinking about how to help society and other people about sex if I want to recover from Internet porn and any other sex problems I have. Every time(?) I think about it I get thinking about fantasies or porn and I'm much, a lot more likely to masturbate, shooting myself in the foot (not literally). Even if I don't it's just obviously a terrible idea if I'm trying to be celibate and abstinent of porn and masturbation, of course. I'll try talking to others and thinking about sex and society less and see what happens.

    Sex fantasies

    I feel uncomfortable talking about fantasies but I guess I have to. I think I have more sexual fantasies than most men, whether they are looking at porn or having sex or not. I feel like I'm having more than most of us on Your Brain Rebalanced. Are we embarrassed or ashamed? Is there something wrong about sex fantasies, or do they mistreat people in some way? Is there a stigma or shame on them? I was assuming at least half of men were having sex fantasies. (It's probably better if I don't think about the portion of women for the same.) But we don't talk about it much, that I've read, and I don't have much information on how it's helping or harming us quitting porn.

    I think I chose, that for me, pretty much all sexual fantasy was wrong or at least definitely a bad idea, unless I was in a healthy, moral sexual relationship and my partner wouldn't mind, and I was kind of more or less daydreaming or planning ahead. It can't be an end to itself, and I can't fantasise about anything that I couldn't do in real life (such as cheating on my partner). Since I have no sexual relationship with a partner, I guess I can do no sex fantasies. They are making me more socially anxious around people since I feel more like a wimpy or inadequate or perverted person, though, and also since I'm embarrassed about some of the fantasies I have, or maybe even since I think some things in my fantasies are wrong.

    The Your Brain On Porn website, which seems to be down, answers the question of can you have a sexual fantasy while rebooting. It says, essentially, no; unless you are in a romantic and sexual relationship and you are just imagining short term plans of things you might actually be able to do, within the bounds of morality and reality. This seems correct and right to me. I can't reboot while masturbating and orgasming every day, fantasies or no. (Jerking off to orgasm every 1 1/2 months, no porn or sexual fantasies, might be the maximum I can do for my need to reboot.) But, for me, especially, fantasies are more or less porn to me, because they're highly influenced by porn, mostly textual porn. (Textual porn is something else I usually don't see on this website, but that's okay, everyone is different.)

    So, I suppose I have to 1) not have sex fantasies if I want to reboot, or be socially assertive, and 2) somehow separate porn fantasy from healthy fantasy for in the future when I have a wife and we're having sex, so it doesn't make a porn relapse.

    For a while I thought that having sexual fantasies was something rapists and serial murderers did. Maybe they do, but I looked up sexual fantasies on the Web yesterday and they said almost all men have sex fantasies, so I guess it's normal and I don't have to worry.

    I haven't said what I have fantasies about yet. I feel some aspects are wrong, even in fantasy. Probably most non-religious would laugh about how they're harmless, though. But I guess I'll not talk about them right now.

    Schedule and making a list of Internet things before I go on my computer

    (Still part of the lessons learned section.) I feel that making a to-do list before I go on a computer with internet access would be a good idea, and that I need to set up a schedule for days when I can do them. The schedules would give me something to do other than have fantasies or look at naked people, plus my time would be spent better.
    I have a hard time with schedules.

    Maybe I should carefully think about my movies before I watch them. I have few movies with naked people or are very sexy, but for me, almost any movie with a girl or woman in it is very sexy to me. I feel a little like I can only watch Disney movies, maybe only most of them.

    End of lessons learned.

    Psychiatrist appointment

    I have a psychiatrist appointment this month. He admitted to me that internet porn addiction was an addiction and told me to keep trying to quit. I have been trying (though I didn't try hard 1-2 days). I plan to:
    • Keep trying to quit internet porn, at least until the next appointment
    • Keep track of everything making it difficult for me and give the list to the psychiatrist on the next appointment
    • Seek a psychologist or psychotherapist and phone some before my next appointment
    • Ask my psychiatrist for advice on my many mental problems, to help make my life better and also specifically to do with porn or sex so I can quit porn
    Filtering

    I have no plans to work on filtering at this point, and it doesn't really seem to be an issue at this point. I think I've only once tried to go to a porn site, and it was that was easily blocked by my filter. I have a lot of other things to do that are priorities to do with quitting internet porn anyway.

    To-do list

    Things I think I have to do next to quit internet porn:
    • Find my motivation again for breaking my internet porn addiction and giving u porn forever
    • Negotiate with myself to come up with some sort of deal where I can agree, without resentment, to quit porn and porn sex fantasy, for the rest of my life, and be happy
    • Believe, for real, that I can and should have sex with an attractive woman in a healthy relationship, regularly, for at least half of the rest of the time in my life that I want to
    • Make my life a lot better so I don't dread having 10 or more years of nothing to do except use willpower no to look at porn, a lot of this is my Life Plan stuff, which I have already written down
    • Shop for a psychotherapist to talk to about my emotional wellness and my sex obsession, and maybe talk to family and friends about help in thinking about sex less, too (not talking to female family members about sex here)
    • Make a list of every difficulty I have found so far and everything I think I need to do to quit internet porn addiction for my psychiatrist, and anything else that bothers me about sex, and tell him on my next appointment there
    Final section

    Holy cow, this was a long post. I hope it helps me or someone else quit internet porn. But I really think by far the most important parts right now are me coming to believe I can have actual sex with a woman I love, and negotiating with myself to quit internet porn, and getting a better life, and then after all that, my motivation to break my internet porn addiction. Stay hopeful fellow quitters.

    Tagging @SeekingWisdom, @occams_razor, @Gilgamesh to see if they get much out of my long-winded post. Possibly just read one or two sections.
     
    occams_razor likes this.
  14. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    How do you reply to a post like that? Maybe I'll narrow my focus...

    I'll write down a few reasons of my own without thinking too much.

    • The fact that porn can give you PIED. Even if I never have sex again I don't want my ability to do so taken away by looking at pixellated images.
    • The addiction made me more awkward socially, and made it difficult for me to stand up for myself.
    • I feel bad afterwards. Often it does very little for me "during".
    • It makes life less interesting. I enjoy things more when I avoid it.
    • It's not "who I am". I don't want this double life where I become someone else and allow myself to be changed by some rubbish I see on the internet. No thanks.


    Yeah. I think it's better to do a really "clean" ten day streak than to do forty days where you don't MO but you're "peeking" at P every few days. If you know what I mean. And don't waste your time with P-subs and all that.

    In fact, I don't think it's better. I know it's better, based on my experience.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I am glad if you just read it or part of it.

    This is a great summary and honest. You think clearly. I am the same almost exactly on items 1-3 and 5. I had not thought that porn made life less interesting, at least not in that exact way.

    I think I wrote down motivations on my journal at least two times. I should go find them and bookmark them in my browser toolbar or save them in some other prominent place. I should make another post here, with the reasons you just posted in it, of all the motivations I have so far.

    Yeah. I think it's better to do a really "clean" ten day streak than to do forty days where you don't MO but you're "peeking" at P every few days. If you know what I mean. And don't waste your time with P-subs and all that.

    Your experience has some worth to me. This is a perfect reminder. One cannot peek and quit internet porn. Looking at porn is literally the exact opposite of not looking at porn. You cannot do both. You have to pick, one or the other. You have to choose never to look at porn anymore.

    Thanks a lot for your response. I am planning on putting the motivation bookmarks in my browser, and to do the other things in my to-do list.

    Status update

    I just had a very bad porn binge.

    It started when I researched 8K HD television on the WWW. I went to Vimeo on a search for 8K video and it said something like "34 search results are not shown because of your mature content filter." This triggered me and I turned off the "mature" content filter and opened up private browsing window, which I should probably never do again, and I ended up looking up porn for several hours. About half-way through I came partially to my senses and uploaded my hosts files blocklists to that computer. But I bypassed it and consumed more porn for 1-2 hours.

    I think my binge was because of me having a lot of defeat, hard things, going out and a lot more activities than normal, for the past few days. I also had a hard time to do with something on my face that I don't think that I should talk about, and I had some kind of an bad emotional time to do with it. I think it was also because I have run out of my medication and I am having difficulty filling a prescription because I did not want to go back to my old pharmacy, and I wanted to get a longer prescription time instead of transferring my old prescription. In retrospect this last part was a bad idea and I could be on my medication by now if I hadn't done that.

    Lessons learned

    I must transfer my hosts blocklists to every computer that I can use that is mine. I was only on this computer for a few hours without a block list and I was binging on porn. It looks like the block list is really the only thing keeping me clean.

    Those other things that went wrong, the activities, over-excitement and over-confidence, and running out of my prescription, were bad turns, too. I don't know what to do about them. Here are some possible ideas:
    • Disconnect my internet until I make a to-do list, and then disconnect the internet again when I'm done.
    • Phone or contact my family if I am having emotional highs or lows. Stay off my computers until I feel normal.
    • Make a computer that can only go to safe non-porn websites, whitelisted sites such as television websites.
    • Get some help from my support team on making sure I always have plenty of dosages of my prescription, maybe they can help prevent problems like I am having now.
    • Don't post here so grandiloquent and over-confident, to help keep me humble.
    Final section

    My plan is to look up psychotherapists again today, probably after I have slept, and bookmark my motivations in my WWW browser. And then work on the disconnecting the internet and using a to-do list again, and Jordan Petersoning (cleaning) my apartment. Keep trying, rebooters.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Things I want to talk about
    • MOing a lot previously and fantasy
    • Motivation
    • Negotiating with myself
    • Meditation
    • Feeling less guilty about fantasising now that I've seen a couple of you other guys say you do it and I read that it's normal (I guess I can't do it, though...)
    • Saying goodbye to my fantasy girlfriends
    • Life vision and fantasies
    • Filtering on all my computers and browsers
    • Whitelisting
    • Getting a psychologist
    • A very attractive woman I've met
    But I probably don't have the time or the energy to do all that. Also, I should put it in different posts.

    MOing a lot previously and fantasy

    Two days after I peeked at porn the one day, in this rebooting attempt, and before I did the binge I did yesterday, I ended up MOing to fantasy 1-2 times a day most days. I don't really know why. I guess I was giving up on not masturbating.

    Is anyone getting triggered by my journal, or find it too sexual or unhelpful? I wonder if I'm getting bad karma from posting on here sometimes, if someone's getting triggered or finding this journal so incompetent they're actually getting worse as far as pornography addiction. I plan to try to be more serious and post less, and less rambly.

    Life vision fantasising

    This section unfinished.
    • A larger apartment, good furniture, a large TV, a big, good kitchen
    • It being a lot easier to go grocery shopping and to buy things
    • Hanging out and having fun times with friends
    • Being friends with at least a couple women
    Getting a psychologist

    I looked up psychologists on the Yellow Pages website. I found two I think I like, going by what they have on their websites. Maybe I can call them this or next week, but I don't know how I can pay for them but I can think of some possibilities. I got a good feeling from two of their websites. Maybe I should write down all the reasons I should go, because I probably have a severe need for them. I'll have to think about that and work on that.

    A very attractive neighbour

    A woman lives in my building whom I find very attractive. She is very pretty, seriously, and sexy. She is intelligent, interesting, seems to have a very good personality. I like her a lot. She dresses sexy, too, but not really obviously sexy. I mentioned her a few entries ago (under Life Plan). She came over to talk to me about work outside.

    What to do about her? She's polite, and one of the few people that's ever come over to talk to me when they didn't have to recently. Do you think I could have sex with her? I know the advice on Your Brain On Porn is that fooling around sexually with a real woman is healthy, and can help rewire you to real women, not digital files. I also know the advice is not to orgasm, ideally, if you want to reboot from internet porn. Honestly, I am unlikely to get an erection without quitting internet porn first. And, well, I have religious beliefs and family and friends, that would not let me have sex with someone in a casual relationship. So I guess sex is probably not a good idea or possible.
    My values are changing lately, and it might be possible for me to have sex outside of marriage, but probably not casually.

    I actually think it's healthy that I'm so attracted to her, sexually and all. She doesn't detest me and I think it's okay for me to think about the possibility. I think it will help me realise more about real women. I think thinking about her, and her being sexy, will help rewire me away from internet porn. I think dealing with the attraction, and the awkward possibility of sexual relations, is just part of life and will help me with my maturity if I have to deal with it. It's just part of life to be attracted to the opposite sex, normally, and so is just having to deal with it.

    All that said, I'd really like to talk to her more and probably be friends with her if she's what I think she's like. I plan to find an excuse to talk to her and invite her to somewhere, such as a thrift store where I can buy her something small, or to a cheap restaurant. (I'm not rich.) I really don't think I'm like her normal boyfriends, though, and I have little or no idea if she'd like to be my girlfriend. Kissing and physical necking might be really great, though. She's got an eating disorder, though, although I think she is responsible and has a good attitude. The damsel in distress thing, where you want to rescue a woman who's in danger, appeals to me a lot. (Not saying that's healthy. But it's part of why I'm thinking about her.)

    Final section

    I want to get to stuff I mentioned above like motivation and reasons for rebooting and all the other sections. I've been working them over in my mind recently. @SeekingWisdom, I am planning to try to go to church tomorrow morning (this morning), although I know not how long I will stay nor what I will do.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Time for a self-indulgent post... (I am not really sure if they are self-indulgent or not)

    Status update

    I failed to go to church this morning, and today I PMOed twice. I think it was from the stress of the failure to go to church and the social contempt and rejection I often get. I am not doing well with my rebooting attempt. In fact, I may almost gave up, like I've been doing lately on this journal.
    Realising I was going to see my psychiatrist this and no excuse was going to work except very honestly trying, and that I would be doing something wrong by wasting all your guy's time and attention, I decided that I couldn't give up. So, I'm going to work on my filtering and my lessons learned.

    Filtering

    My first PMO was on my smartphone. I hardly ever use my smartphone for porn, so I had forgotten about it. I have basic filtering on my wireless gateway, called a router by most of you. It blocks my top 10 or so most favourite porn sites. I had almost forgotten about this filter, too. I set it years ago and I was living in a different place. My gateway's filtering works for my smartphone but not for any of my computers, which also hook up to it. I don't know why. I guess I could add more porn sites to its blocklist, but I'm not sure which ones.

    The other PMO was on a secondary computer. This secondary computer has filtering, but I went around it. It's also on this secondary computer that I binged a couple days ago that I mentioned a couple posts ago. I was triggered in that binge by a message about mature content, meaning porn, to me, on a major video sharing website. This website is not mainly to do with porn. I have added that and two other websites that I've used for porn before, even though they're not mainly porn sites, to a blocklist file. I guess there's no point in sharing their actual names. I also added the porn sites I visited in my binge to that file.

    I really don't want to do this, and there's absolutely no good reason for this because fussing around with technology appears to be my absolute favourite thing to do (other than PMO), but I should and need to write a script to update my porn block list and copy it to all the computers I have in the house that I own, that work. It's not even really that hard. It requires root, which is administrative user, access which might weaken the security of the computers, but that's not really a worry with no-password SSH key access and computers behind a firewall... It's silly. It's just my debased brain working against itself and me. I should find it wonderful that something like this is so easy to do and it's actually fun.

    To do with my more advanced filter project, the one where I have a computer or a DSL modem stuck between the Internet and all my computers for filtering, I still don't know how to do that. I broke that computer anyway and I need to repair it (I may have spare parts for it). I also shopped online for a DSL modem, but I know nothing about them and I don't know which one to get that I can reprogram to put filtering on it. Even just website domain name filtering could be enough, if it can support 500 or more domain names. If you know what I can do for filtering, you can let me know. So, I've taken no action on this last part except thinking and research.

    Triggers / Lessons learned

    I was triggered by the guilt and stress of failing to go to church, and by thinking about the social rejection and contempt that I usually get in the world. I was also stressed because I was hoping to speak to an elder at that church, and maybe tell him about me and my problems eventually and have him help me. Since I rebelled and refused to go now I think it'll be even longer before I speak to him and get him to help with my problems, and even longer before I get a happy life with a wife and family. So then I got angry and rebellious and PMOed. I was also very tired, it seems.

    I spent about 45 minutes last night preparing to go to church and then I didn't go. I woke up with the alarms but turned them all off and went back to sleep. When I woke up it was too late to make it on time. Perhaps it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to go after I failed to sleep much the night before (less than two hours). I might have been too weird and bothered other people from my tiredness.

    I don't have much lessons learned for these last two PMOs except to do more filtering. I ought to talk to my elder about it if I can speak to him, actually. Maybe it might be a good idea to talk to him about how I feel guilty about not going to church. (If any non-religious people are reading this and don't like my mentions of church, I hope you recover anyway and I don't look down on you.)

    Fantasising

    I am still MOing to fantasy. I am trying to take my own advice and think about my fantasies but without the naked people or sex. I have done that a little bit, and I wrote down a file that has all my fantasy ideas that aren't to do with nakedness or sex. It's a very reasonable list, just about buildings being nice, streets being clean and safe, people being free and not dictated to, and a lot of conveniences and technology. It might make a utopic science fiction story, if I put in some characters, though maybe not a very good one. I plan to continue this project to see what happens. If it works out well I guess I plan to tell people here. There is nothing wrong with writing science fiction stories as long as there's nothing else wrong about it.

    I think I am really, very attached to fantasies. It's not always the same fantasies, I've gone through dozens so far in my life I think. And there's no special girl in the fantasies that I identify as my wife or girlfriend. But I'm still having a really difficult time not thinking about fantasies. Actually, I think the cure might be to Jordan Peterson my life and apartment, which here means clean and put it in order. I think I might be so pushed into fantasies because I'm having so many problems in life, and because my apartment is somewhat cluttered and disorderly. I think I just have to work on that.

    But I don't think that's all it. I wrote in my last post that I wanted to "say goodbye to my fantasy girlfriend". I just mentioned that there's not really any specific girl in a fantasy that I am romantically attached to, or even really remember. But I think leaving behind fantasies is huge for me. Some posts I have read, on Your Brain on Porn and here, have talked about how people have to break up with porn, as if it is their girlfriend. I think I have to break up with all my fantasising, as if it was my girlfriend. And this will help me quit Internet porn. I am not sure how I am going to do that yet.

    Some of my fantasies involve real women I have met or I know. I don't really like these fantasies because I feel they are more addicting because there was a real sexual or personal relationship with some ideas of intimacy in it at one point, or because I feel like it's inappropriate if they're a real person. Ex-girlfriends might be holding me back because I feel like I am being pushed into having fantasies about them.

    I fantasise about making out with and grouping my very attractive neighbour, but not actually nakedness or sex with her. I'm glad I do these fantasies and I think they do not lead to porn or even arousal. I am still trying NoA (the No Arousal Method) a little. I thought someone would comment on me falling into attraction with someone in real life, and maybe encourage me to try to have sexual relations with her, but I guess it hasn't been that long yet. But you still can if you want to! :)

    Psychologist / therapist

    I still have my favourite two in mind. It's working it over in my mind and I'm wondering how I'm going to pay for it, and I might need years of it.

    Motivation

    I still haven't made the motivation list or found the old ones and bookmarked them.

    Negotiating with myself

    I may have made some progress in negotiating with myself a few minutes ago when I admitted that I had to break up with my fantasies as a girlfriend.

    Distress about sex outside of marriage

    I have mentioned this in my journal before. I think one of the main things blocking me from quitting porn is this: I don't think I can have sex outside of marriage, and I don't want to never have sex, look at porn, or masturbate or have an orgasm again. I think I can't negotiate myself to do that, and I think I definitely shouldn't try, anyway. I think I'm not called to be abstinent, or celibate like a monk, for the rest of my life. I think that would be just abusive and mean to myself. I think I should probably have a sex partner, or get married, like most people do, about as soon as possible if I can.

    I'm in a d****ed if you do and d****ed if you don't situation. I am not religious (in a way), so I can't get married, because I think I would be lying to everyone by implying I thought that a Christian marriage was a real thing. On the other hand, but I'm trying to be Christian, so I don't think I can have sex outside of marriage. My congregation, family, friends, and perhaps neighbours and my own morality would rebuke me or at least not support me in it. Well, those are the thoughts I was thinking over the last 17 years or so, actually. Maybe my conscience and everyone I know will actually be fine with me having sex in a committed, exclusive, relationship, and maybe my church isn't really my congregation yet after all. It would be more important to me to know whatever God is fine with, though.

    See, when I said I am not religious I mostly mean I have not chosen a religion yet, although I think God is existing, and that there's a 99% chance that Christianity is right and true. So I want to do what God wants, but I think he most likely wants marriage for sex for me, which I have a difficulty with. In order for me to get married I'd have to solve all my personality problems, my social problems, my problems with God, get converted to a religion, be responsible enough to take care of myself and about 3 other people, and just generally have a good life. I can't see that happening any time soon, and probably never if I can't solve my problems with people or God, who I feel has humiliated me.

    So, that's my error with marriage and my consternation about it, and the distress is about me having the idea of forcing myself to not have sex or orgasms for the rest of my life, and no fun, and no romance or enjoyment, or any good life at all, just me living in very crappy places with mean people and bullying relationships and me having my rights taken away from me regularly every now and again for the rest of my life. This is seriously how my life used to be, so I can understand being distressed about doing that and having no relationships or sex for the next 30 years of my life, doing nothing but sitting at an old computer watching YouTube technology videos and trying to avoid social rape. Yeah, I'm dumping out my problems here.

    I think I should realise I can probably not have all those problems, if I behave well and work hard, and that maybe I can get well and mature enough for marriage in the future and that God could pull off a miracle and allow me to find someone to get married to. I also will need to be responsible enough to rear and take responsibility for her or my children, too, which I can't see happening any time soon. Although I could perhaps help raise them because I do like children and I have stories and things to tell them.

    Okay, that was a big dump about marriage, but I needed to talk about it because I think my panic and distress about the idea never having sex is one of the things that's keeping me on porn.

    The Whitelisting project

    I haven't done anything on that lately. I've been PMOing and getting distressed about it.

    Medication

    I ran out of medication a few days ago, which might be why this post is so overly long and depressive. I am having trouble getting the prescription refilled because of people problems with the people at the pharmacy, and probably with my psychiatrist's secretary. So I don't have any pills at the moment. This may be the main thing that's sending me into PMO and fantasy MO recently.

    I my plan to wait it out until I'm not made at the pharmacist anymore is not a good one, and I should do something to work on it this week. I guess that's what I'll do instead of think about psychologists.

    Final section

    I know all this is bad, and I'm not even really recovering from porn, but my life is 5-10 times better than when I started this journal, or even 2 years ago. I guess I'm glad I worked out what I had to do next on here. Keep on rebooting, fellows. Every effort helps.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
    occams_razor likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This is not bad at all. I can understand how it seems bad from your perspective, but imho that is mainly because you overthink things and make small things to bigger than they are. You're human and you're struggling with things many of us struggle with. As you said, you have improved greatly and that means that you're actually still in that process. Every day is a gift and a new chance. Keep on going!
     
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Update

    I think I PMOed again Monday. I have decided to start another rebooting attempt. I don't think I could face my psychiatrist, and have it not be bullshit, unless I'm doing my best not to look at porn.

    Just five hours after determining to start another reboot I was feeling a lot more confident about other people, although I hardly met anyone. It has to be earnest and honest, though. I made a list in my head of all the things I have to do to try to reboot. Here is that list again:
    • Not think about sex if I can avoid it
    • Not look at porn
    • NoA
    • Not let myself seek out gratuitous nudity
    • Don't watch sexual or raunchy things on TV
    • Filtering, filtering on all of my computers
    • Avoiding going on my computer for part of the day if I can
    • Don't be cruel or hard on myself
    • Get enough entertainment daily
    • Practice meditation and physical activity
    • Going outside, talking to people, having relationships, even allowing myself to have romantic and possibly sexual ones
    • Prayer and going to church
    Intense dreams

    I got another intense dream last night. It's a good sign that I'm rebooting. I don't get them when I'm MOing to fantasy or porn. I guess this is another sign that fantasy and porn are the same thing for me.

    Fantasy

    I read in a other journals recently that some other people consider fantasy MO equivalent to porn as far as rebooting. This seems to be exactly right to me. So, I guess I have to give up sex fantasies.

    I had the urge to have fantasy about 2 times since starting my last rebooting attempt yesterday. I stopped it by telling myself that I could fantasise as much as I liked, but it had to be about things other than naked people and sex. After that I didn't want to do it anymore, but it solved the problem for the moment.

    Filtering

    I set up the automatic hosts block file update script that I talked about in my last post, which goes to every computer and updates the block list. It was about 15 minutes of work, and it was fun. I also put the block list on my Raspberry Pi, although this Raspberry Pi computer is not plugged in or even fully assembled. I do not know why I put making this script off for over a year. It didn't even slightly make any of my computers less secure, even a little. Addicted despicable brain, I guess. I guess I should work on that. I set up the script for all of the computers I have plugged in and working, that I own, but that's only two. I want to get rid of most of the computers in my apartment, which I think might help with porn addiction and filtering.

    I don't have a plan for filtering for Chromium or Chrome browsers yet. I haven't checked for a Simple Blocker equivalent for those, yet.

    I still think I will need a filter to go between all my computers and the internet. At least if it did domain blocking that would be about 90% of it. I might need a long term plan for filtering.

    Motivation

    About five posts ago I posted that I wanted to make a post about motivation for not looking at porn. I have thought about it, and I have decided that it's a bad idea. I think the more I write about the motivations for quitting porn the more I will want to PMO. I am not sure why that is. Maybe it's because that thinking about porn is thinking about porn, or maybe it's because the idea of making myself go without porn and rewire to people all in one go is too overwhelming, and makes me give up and PMO.

    However, motivation for quitting porn is different from motivation for trying to reboot. Trying to reboot is when I do all I can to not look at porn ever again in the rest of my life, and to get my brain rewired to women. I have recently tried not rebooting, and tried rebooting, and I can say that trying to reboot is better. Here are some motivations for trying to reboot (refraining from porn and MO, trying to rewire my brain to real people):
    • A lot less wasted time spend looking at porn or fantasy, and recovering from the effects of it
    • Greatly increased confidence in seeing and meeting other people, physically meeting them
    • I will get and be entitled to the support of you other guys here
    • I will be able to get psychiatric help because at least I will be able to tell the doctor that I've been trying earnestly not to look at porn
    • Not seeing abominable stuff that I shouldn't see
    • Not getting overstimulated so I can't sleep
    • Not feeling anxious and guilty all the time
    • Getting intense dreams that may mean my psyche is working something out, which could greatly help my life
    • Not wasting bandwidth or doing something inappropriate or seeing people naked that I could remember for the rest of my life
    • Dealing with real life instead, so I don't fall behind fast, and might even get ahead if I deal with things
    • The possibility of a girlfriend with an attractive woman and the possibility of some physical contact with her
    • A lot less clutter and refuse in my mind, so I can think better and I get smarter
    I think all of these things happened in my last rebooting attempt. It's a lot better to try reboot than not, even if you don't succeed! I think I should keep in mind that unless I have an actual plan for quitting porn permanently it might not be a true rebooting attempt. I think I have that plan. The plan is to try everything I know now, and if that doesn't work, keep learning and trying until it does. I hope this current attempt will work, too.

    NoA

    I have put a couple thoughts out of my head about sex. It wasn't hard, but I'd like to have replacement thoughts instead, because it's going to get worse sooner or later. I'm going to need to adjust to having a sex drive, and also to deal with the fact that I will always want to think about sex. It will be very difficult, but it's life. I will get tempted with sex even if happily married and having sex.

    Dread of having no sex

    I am still dreading having a sex drive for 30 years and no sex whatsoever, and leading a miserable life in other ways, somehow, because of it. I think the part about a miserable life isn't going to happen, if I don't behave really badly. Probably the no sex isn't going to happen either. I think this might be something I'm doing to myself. I think I'm being too hard on myself with the idea of making myself choose a religion before I get married. I think that really has nothing to do with it. I think I could be happy in a civil marriage as long as it was a true marriage for both parties. When we both choose the same religion we could get remarried in a religious ceremony. I think I'm not ready for marriage, but I better now.

    Negotiating with myself to give up porn

    The mere confidence I get from refraining from porn and fantasy MO is enough to make a deal with me to get me to try to reboot. I like getting to be able to talk to attractive women in real life without feeling like I'm doing something inappropriate. The confidence is enough to make me want to try to reboot.

    Not ***ing touching myself

    In another journal I respect, I forget which one now, the writer talked about not touching his genitals to make sure they're still there. I intuitively realised that was a required part of rebooting from internet porn. I found myself rubbing my dick on things, or rubbing my dick with things, that day, though. I think it's going to be an extremely difficult habit to break. I even found myself doing it today. What the **** is wrong with me, a grown 40-year-old man, still wanting to play with myself all the time, as if it was required like eating. I decided no touching my privates except for peeing, washing and sex, I have to add no rubbing or rubbing on another thing. It would be very inappropriate to do in public, anyway. This might be very hard to give up.

    End section

    It's still going to take me a while to recover from my last PMOs and binge, but I feel like it's starting as long as I keep trying to reboot. I'm realising lately that fantasy MO and porn MO are roughly equivalent as far as the effort to reboot, so I have to give up all sex fantasy. I have to do NoA and not let anything rub my dick or rub my crotch on anything. It's okay for me to talk to attractive women, date them, and probably fool around with or make out with them.

    After end section

    I should work on my journal, a better name, better name for myself, and going back to my first entry and explaining my progress so far, making a link to my current rebooting attempt, and maybe making notes on previous entries. I am reaching out to you other guys on this forum now, which for the first time I'm thinking of you as people, maybe, and I hope I help and that you help me.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2019
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status

    I've been good, although it's only been about 12 hours since my last post. I've been getting quite a lot of temptations to have fantasy or sexual thoughts, and even to look up porn. I think this is because of all the porn I looked at lately. But I haven't done anything sexual lately.

    Now, I wonder if my increase in temptation is because of me making stupid posts to other people's journals. I believe in karma and things like that, so maybe.

    My stress level's fairly high lately but I'm still motivated to try to reboot again due to me not wanting to be humiliated socially, to have good confidence in talking to girls, to be able to face my psychiatrist, and other supporters, and to not waste your guys' time and be less than sincere with you. Plus I think better, plan better, waste less time, feel less guilty and anxious, am less miserable, enjoy myself more, and am happier.

    Not touching my genitals

    I am still finding it difficult not to rub my dick, clothed, on something, or have something touch it. I sometimes should adjust my genitals in my pants, and I have to be real careful. I have a feeling this whole thing will get better in time. Right now I find myself very childish and I'm amazed that I can't even stop touching my own privates. But I believe that working on it will help me quit porn.

    Meditation

    I said in a post to Quanta's thread, Journey to Nowhere, that I would start meditating again. So, I should probably keep that promise. It helps to know that I only need to do it 5 minutes a day. I think I should do two five minute sessions a day, one in the morning, and one in the evening. I have done this before, when I first starting rebooting a long time ago. It was worthwhile, though when I was forcing myself to do it, it was causing harm for my mind and my life. It was making me waste a lot less time during a day, though, and I think allowing me to have higher emotions, I mean, a more positive mood.

    I have a lot of difficulty doing things on a daily basis, so my plan is not to force myself to do this, but to reward myself if I do. I might just compliment myself in my head. Also, I plan not to force myself to do it every day, but just to try to reward myself if I do it every 1-3 days. I think that might be what I need at first. The days run together for me, and I don't have a daily schedule. It's easier for me to do things less regularly, otherwise I kind of get insane about it and then burned out or exhausted.

    Filtering

    I have the Raspberry Pi in my head now. It's in different pieces in a drawer, and it has the hosts file block list on it, but it's still in my mind. I don't think it's at all likely, given how many other computers I have, that I will choose to look up porn on it next. I guess I just have too much on my mind. My plan is still to get rid of all but two or three of my computers, which might make me worry about porn less, and have it easier to set up filtering.

    About 90% of my porn blocking is done with the hosts file block list, but I also have Simple Blocker in Firefox to block NSFW subdirectories on one major website. Simple Blocker says that it's Firefox only on its add-on page, so I don't know how to block these subdirectories in Chromium and Chrome, which I usually have installed on my computers. I don't normally use them, but sometimes I do to check things. What I really need is the firewall filter I keep talking about, but I don't know how to do that for HTTPS website subdirectories yet.

    Daily schedule

    I wanted to spend a few minutes talking about what I do all day. Essentially not much, at least not much obvious. I sleep, eat, clean, bathe, walk back and forth, and am on my computer and on the Internet almost all the rest of the time. Also, sometimes I go to grocery stores, other stores, in an undeveloped lot adjacent to my building, and I watch movies, TV or play video games. I don't do cleaning chores nearly enough and my house is dusty and probably dirty. (It doesn't look so bad.) Sometimes I do a little computer work, but I am burned out and I don't do it that well or that often. I am like this because of trauma and neglect and abuse and disability and mental illness.

    I see it as my day job, my employment, to get well during the day, and become able and functional and mentally and emotionally well. I don't know exactly how to do this, but I know when I am not doing it. I'm usually getting better when I'm thinking, praying, generally trying to be good, writing things down, taking my moral inventory, staying calm, doing something creative or constructive, reading about my disability, reading this forum, posting to this journal, getting some entertainment, contacting family and support people, listening to music and the radio, talking to people on the internet, and keeping up with required news and technology, talking to some healthy neighbours.

    I'm usually getting worse when I'm viewing or reading something I know I shouldn't be viewing or reading, when I'm having sex fantasies or sexual thoughts I don't want to have, arguing foolishly on some places on the internet, looking at porn of course or anything else inappropriate on the internet or television, watching terrible or raunchy TV shows, watching a movie when I know I should be doing something else, being socially aggressive with my neighbours or other people in the city, talking to people or pursuing a relationship that I know isn't healthy. Inappropriate porn is about the worst thing for me.

    So, I don't really have a schedule, I just wake up, try to clean my teeth and kitchen, and go to bed. I am hoping that if I keep trying to be good it will be easier to go to bed on time, wake up earlier, have a schedule, be more productive, not do anything wrong, and waste less time.

    When I wake up, I usually try to keep in mind that I am rebooting, and that I need to do all the lessons learned, and then I try to identify which real-life (non-computer) coping thing I can do to improve my life. Today (yesterday) I tried to decide if I needed to see a doctor about diarrhea. Well, by the time the day was over I figured out that I hadn't had diarrhea in weeks or even months, so I guess I might not have to. I try to deal with the bullshit in my life first, and in this way I'm hoping to decrease my life's complexity and disaster and increase it's serenity and functionality, over time.

    Life plan

    I'm really tired, so I'm just going to talk about the building girl. I was thinking that I needed to clean my apartment in case she came in and I wanted to cuddle with her or french kiss her. (I hope that's not triggering, it's pretty mild.) So I need to buy furniture, get rid of things, get things off the floor, clean things, and get rid of at least half of my computers if I can.

    For a couple days I thought that I should work on my appearance, like my hair, skin, beard and clothes. That will probably help a little, but I think what she's mostly looking for is a good person, so I think I should keep not looking at porn, to be good and and to have a good attitude. I went outside and tried to talk to her today, but it turned out to be a different woman with similar hair and glasses. I talked to her anyway.

    I'd still like to message my crush, a different woman I fell in love with a long time ago, and see if I can talk to her again. She's mostly impressed by mental wellness and good appropriateness I guess. I don't plan to two-time, but it's okay to have woman friends.

    Psychologist

    I still feel good about the psychologists I looked up. I planned a bus route to one of them, and I felt morally good about making the route. I think that I will be able to afford a psychologist if it's only 1-2 times per month, so that's good. I plan to look over my money situation and see if I can budget it. And I should call them in the next 1-2 weeks, maybe before I see my psychiatrist next.

    End section

    I have gotten a lot of temptations in my clouded mind today, but I have decided to keep rebooting because the PMO alternative is just waste and destruction, and has no good outcome or point to it, and because I'd be spewing nonsense to you guys if I said that I couldn't try, and because my whole life and all the downsides of it would be a waste if I just let myself die of Internet porn. I think it'll get better over the next few days and I plan to get a psychologist and see the psychiatrist again.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019

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