I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Journals I have partially read and found helpful

    Posts (and their threads) I really like or are otherwise memorable to me:
    My journal is not very good. It is not organised, it has far too much rambling, there is no clear thread, and I have not even stated my goal or why I am pursing it. I think I will try to correct all this.

    I haven't done PMO since the last time I said, though I have done MO once, maybe twice.
     
    Pearl Gourami likes this.
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Just masturbation to sexual fantasy again lately, particularly to do with ex-girlfriends and other females I loved. I want to quit this too, and of course I probably have to quit it in order to reboot from porn, like Gary Wilson says. This behaviour (masturbation to sexual fantasy) may be a new habit instead of Internet porn. I don't want that to happen either.

    I have been successfully not looking up porn for what feels like quite a while now, but is probably only three weeks to a month. I think that I have succeeded in doing this by reading a lot of the Your Brain Rebalanced forum, the Your Brain On Porn web site, having all that stuff you guys say on this forum input into my head, and the YBOP stuff in my head too.

    And from generally staying calm and meditation and short social interactions and some time in nature, just like it says to do in on the site and in the forum, and these I am doing mostly successfully. Time in nature also includes just sitting there and looking at the sky or clouds too, I think, though not as effectively. Also I was eating right for a while, which probably helped.

    I'm not exercising, running, volunteering, working part time, interacting a lot with other people, practicing programming, guitar, or languages yet, but perhaps I will see even greater improvements when I do. I think the next thing for me to do in that list is probably exercising.

    I had originally planned for a 90 day reboot period, June 2nd, when I discovered YBOP, until September 1st or perhaps a little later. Then I was going to take two or three weeks to take a break and see what happens, and then try another 90 to 120 reboot after that. I was going to continue to refrain from porn and s. fantasy and m. at that time too, I wasn't just going to look up as much porn as I wanted in that break, so I guess there would not have been much of a difference and I don't know why I am planning that.

    It is now September 3rd and I guess my unofficial reboot attempt is over with. I have had many successes, most of which I have listed above. Also my porn consumption has greatly decreased, in fact is not existent right now after about 99 days of attempting my unofficial reboot, and may be gone for good if I continue with all my existing habits. Wow!! That's quite a thing to say!!! Or it may not be, unless I continue with all the other new habits I have suggested and continue with a reboot.

    I know not what to do now because I don't really want to reboot or commit to rebooting again. Partially because I still think it's not entirely possible, since I am having great difficulty doing all the ordinary things, like running. Actually, now that I think about it, I think all of the things I want to do are possible, just hard, perhaps really really hard. I also think I will have difficulty rebooting due to my inability to turn down other temptations, such as watching far too much excess TV and eating food when I shouldn't.

    Actually I think I have vastly decreased, almost eliminated my habit of pointless Web browsing. Wow! It's really nice to point out that I've been having a success in quitting a habit that was probably a problem and it's already done and I didn't have that huge a problem with it. It's really nice! I'm glad I did now!

    M. to s. fantasy may be a hard habit to quit as well.

    This is what I ought to do as far as deciding whether or not to quit porn and commit to a rebooting period of 90 to 100 days or so (I've done a lot of days so far). I should:
    - Make a long post about all the disadvantages of pornography consumption for me
    - Examples like having to hide in my room, having no moral authority for anyone, always being humiliated and embarrassed, and making the wrong decisions all the time
    - But I should make a full list of everything
    - And then I should browse around YBOP and this forum again for all the downsides, and then all the upsides and reverse them. For example, wanting to be around people would become not wanting to be around people if that applied to me
    - I ought to write first in that post about how Internet porn is ruining my life, because it is, but the post would conclusively prove it, I would have to explain how and why it was ruining my life

    And also I will need to make a post about all the benefits of quitting. I would write all the benefits I have seen on YBOP listed that I think might apply to me, of course all the benefits that I think I have experienced so far, and all the benefits that I can find on YBR that I think might apply to me. Becoming an alpha male like some people have talked about is starting to be appealing for me, even more than ending embarrassment and shame, and ending clouded mind (brain fog).

    Okay, I just started this post to mention that I had done m. with s. fantasy again lately, this afternoon actually, and that I had done that several times recently, like four or five times, and that this seems to have been becoming a habit instead of browsing Internet porn and probably m. to it. But I'm glad I wrote all those other things.

    I've experienced a couple more benefits to do with rebooting, or just not looking up porn which I would like to post later, too. And I have to post those two posts (maybe it should be three now, or four), and another post again about what I will do as far as rebooting attempts.

    I'd like to become more civil and integrate more with this forum and the people here, too. Significantly more. I guess I plan to work on that (my interaction and social skills). I could get down there and be one of the guys. I probably ought to.
     
  3. iDominant

    iDominant Eh, Shitt happens ~

    Re: I think I could *feel* my brain rewiring

    Hey there. I truly believe that you can get through this. Keep up the good work.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Benefits lately, upper body definition and excellent diet

    I took off my shirt to have a shower and I noticed my upper body. It looked built. It looked like those body builder type guys you see on TV. Like a lot of people here, I think this happened to me. But still me, just defined. I thought I didn't care about these things, but I did, and I enjoyed it.

    I think it was from no Internet porn or other self sexual behaviour, and from a few weeks of me eating well. For eating well I mean a healthy, balanced diet with all four food groups, and lots and lots of vegetables and little meat and as little fatty or really sugary or salty products as possible, and also no food with an extreme amount of preservatives of flavouring chemicals. Both salads and canned vegetables count as vegetables.

    Actually I think in this time period I ate no meat at all! I got my protein from peas, green beans, yellow beans, red kidney beans, lentils, rice, oatmeal and whatever was in all the other products I ate. And I actually gained upper body definition! With no meat! The excellent diet I think is because of no PMO, too, after all, all that health and clear head and not being embarrassed or ashamed has left me with free time and a vastly improved brain.

    It's like the Bible story of Daniel and his friends in Babylon, when they are not willing to eat meat that's been sacrificed to the Babylonian gods. They have some difficulty convincing the man in charge of them to let them go on a bean and vegetable diet, partially because he might be killed if they did not turn up healthy 30 days or 3 months later, but in the end the Bible says they were actually healthier than all the men who ate meat from the king's table!

    I still believe in eating meat normally and hope to do so in the future, especially meatballs. In something, like a salad, or maybe other food.

    I would not have thought it possible for me to make a balanced diet with no meat, with my limited knowledge and access to resources. But not only did I do it, I did it well (I was not craving meat or any other food), and I did it without too much difficulty. I guess this is another improvement due to no Internet porn! I'm happy about this! If I was less depressed by now I would be extremely happy about all this and all my other recent improvements.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Re: I think I could *feel* my brain rewiring

    Thanks for your post, iDominant.
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Other benefits

    With abstaining from Internet porn and not being guilty and too fearful to do anything, I think the following other benefits have occurred from no PMO:

    I sent a friend of mine I hadn't talked to in years two e-mail messages. This was pretty good.

    I logged into an Internet account and set it up a bit, and later worked on it a lot. I plan to post more later.

    I had an great trip to the grocery store.

    I got to e-mail my dad three times with nothing bad happening.

    General increases in my confidence I suppose.
     
  7. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    Re: I think I could *feel* my brain rewiring

    Nice job on your diet man! Eating healthy is great for rebooting and improving your life in general.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Re: I think I could *feel* my brain rewiring

    Thank you very much, tsmith1302!

    To anyone else reading: The improved diet was mostly a reward from quitting porn, not specifically an attempt to help with rebooting. That is, it is a project I was attempting for a long time and was going to do anyway, and getting porn and brain fog and dealing all the consequences of porn out of my life let me do it.

    Again, for anyone else reading, you can see this comment by Gary Wilson on Your Brain On Porn about how diet doesn't necessarily help that much.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    My porn story (more)

    Although I think Internet porn was a habit for me, and possibly an addiction, at the age of 17 I also recall not really missing it or acting out with it a long time.

    When I was 18 I don't think I looked up any Internet porn for a long time.

    When I was 19 I didn't look up Internet porn until I was 21. I had a girlfriend for one.

    It's when I was 21 that I started looking up Internet porn as a habit, though I started with just nakedness, often nudist stuff. This is also when I first started really trying to quit Internet porn. That is, I tried to quit right away, figuring it was wrong or against my principles. I did not succeed. This is also the first time I was looking up porn on high speed Internet, having DSL since I was 19.

    When I was 25 I lived in place where there was no Internet and didn't miss it, but always went back to it some time after getting Internet access back again. This elastic effect went away after a lot of A.A. work and some A.A. meetings, but I still think I am addicted to Internet porn.

    ---

    Edit: Added later.

    After a lot of A.A. work I was very sober most of the time, but I still kept on going back to Internet porn binges almost regularly. This is an indication of my belief here, that I am addicted to Internet porn too, separately, and I want to do the Gary Wilson method of rebooting from it since that seems right.
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Some drawbacks I was having that encouraged me to do my reboot

    • My hand on my notebook computer was unsticking one of the stickers that came with my computer. This made me feel really bad because I treasure my PCs, or rather the ones that I really want to have
    • Actually got my computer infected by a virus through porn. Actually ransomware, it took over my account and encrypted all my files.
    • Was starting to talk to people on the live cam sites, sort of a big no-no.
    • Was visiting Web sites where there would be prostitutes, making me moved into a room where there was a prostitute in the past, where I messed things up more
    • Was starting to give my e-mail address, my real one, away to a porn site for their updates notification mailing list, also crossing the line. It has my real name in it for one
    • Getting really close to registering for on-line sex meet up Web sites
    • Actually registering for an on-line sex meet up Web site, but not confirmed. This also let me look at a naked woman on the Internet, which didn't make me feel good, because I don't actually believe in looking at naked people on the Internet

    Other people around here would abuse me, or seem to, and I would be powerless to do anything about it because I would be in the wrong from privately consuming pornography and not being willing to do anything it took to quit that habit, or able to confess my wrong. So it was affecting my day-to-day life. [Edit: before I said it was a matter of survival]

    So, that was enough for me to bottom out I think, and make me do the reboot thing kind of automatically, without really intentionally doing it or mustering up the courage and commitment to do it, I just went ahead and started doing it.

    I think I knew that I wouldn't have to make it an official rebooting attempt because I knew I was just going to go ahead and do it, after trying to quit porn for so many years (12). And all this bottoming out and crossing the line stuff I was doing lately.

    All that said I just acted out to porn again this morning, but only a little bit, and I cut it out fairly quickly. I perhaps ought to reset my counter. I had many opportunities to quit before I saw actual naked females but I didn't take them, due to rebelliousness.

    I guess I still have a problem with porno even though I've been cleaner a higher percentage of days than ever before without a particular will power effort or circumstances. I have to continue to try rebooting, with all the refraining from porn and m., and all the new habits forming (exercise, I think I'm started on meditation).

    Argh, I'm not really happy, but it's no one's fault but my own. My life improved quite a lot while abstaining, though! Enough to make me want to start courting a woman I know!
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    darn, finished acting out

    I guess if I was counting days I would have to set myself back some now.

    But instead I am going to make this list of triggers like I saw in CyanGaramond's journal. Everyone else has a better journal than me, I guess that's what I have to work on next.
    • Feeling overwhelmed
    • Any kind of really busy day
    • Or busy week or week-end
    • Any kind of really emotional day (whether good or bad emotions)
    • Or exciting or positive day
    • Feeling trapped by my problems and inside my room that is, feeling trapped inside my room, too
    That's a smaller list than I thought, maybe it needs work.

    Now to keep from acting out further (binging).
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Up way, way too late (4:43 AM)

    Almost acted out a couple of times... but didn't.

    Posted to my Livejournal and e-mailed family members several times. None of this would have been possible had I not been quitting porn.

    Also downloaded Linux Mint successfully and read about app development from a smartphone provider's Web site, both really big personal things for me.

    I have read two other posts in this forum about people not being in their right minds in the morning. I have been having that too, so now I think it's probably related to pornography consumption, or withdrawal.

    Hormones are higher for me in the morning, including dopamine, that's all I know. So I have decided to take it easier in the morning as far as trying to force myself to do my A.A. morning routine and meditate precisely right, and taking it easier instead.

    I can probably still do all the same things, but really forcing it doesn't seem to help me come to my senses much sooner, if at all. I ought to do some kind of constructive thing in the morning that doesn't require much mental energy, like perhaps app development (what?), after a relatively brief but important morning routine including meditation and brushing my teeth.

    All these successes I am mentioning so far are not the half [edit: I think I should have said "the tenth"] of the positives I have received from reading other people's posts and journals here.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    mornings and other things

    Still haven't acted out. Good. Pretty miserable though.

    I'm in between rebooting attempts. This was the plan all along, actually. I was planning on 90 days. And then I would take a two week break before I decided what to do next.

    I didn't think of anything at the time other than to try another 90 to 120 reboot. I still can't.

    But I still don't think I can reboot. I also do not think I am fully motivated to try.

    Perhaps I should write down my strict long list of drawbacks of consumption of Internet porn, and then the plus sides to not consuming Internet porn (such as wanting to socialise). Maybe I should put up a list of plus sides for consuming porn, if only to see how short a list it is.

    My main difficulties are just practical difficulties in doing the recommended things like exercise and and time in nature.

    You know what, I think I am lying to myself. I would have difficulty exercising, yes, but I can exercise in my room.

    I can also run in my room. I have done this before and it has worked successfully.

    I talk to one of the employees here and others for short social interactions.

    I can spend time in nature in the back, or looking outside when it is raining hard.

    When I was in order a month ago I was eating right. Eating right is not really a requirement for rebooting, it just helps a lot, particularly exercising.

    Maybe I should ease up on exercising except for running, which can be done in my room. Although I feel like sort of a dork.

    Avoiding junk food, which I think includes too much McDonalds is important for rebooting, too. For some reason McDonalds and other restaurants are tempting to me.

    Avoiding TV is hard too, because it is one of the few things I can do here. The same for avoiding excessive computer use.

    I had the idea of going to a donut place with wifi with a pen and workbook, or my notebook computer for the morning, and then to McDonalds with a pen and workbook or my notebook computer. It would be like going to work.

    Actually I was hoping to do real work-related things at the Tim Hortons, and maybe school-related things at the McDonalds.

    I wanted to do this months ago, though, and I never did. I have to have really honest motives and look really nice (for my current standards) in order to patronise these stores without committing some kind of social offence.

    So I don't know if this plan is possible.

    So I don't have a lot of hope.

    I probably ought to post that list about all the drawbacks I was experiencing, and I mean all of them, especially the guilt.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    More drawbacks for consuming porn

    • Lots and lots of guilt
    • Unable to stand up for myself to jerks and bad people
    • Unable to stand up for myself to good people, either
    • Getting bad consequences from life and the world
    • Being very anxious for days after I act out
    • Ruining of my schedule, making it so I fall behind
    • Falling behind can make me lose my place to stay, go without food, have things go wrong here, and lose reputation among my family
    • Getting punishment
    • Soiling of clothing items I have a limited supply of
    • Particular time spent un-soiling clothes
    • I see a lot of things I do not want to see
    • It makes my mind race for days
    • I almost always see things that remind me of women and girls I know
    • Including ones I respect and admire and don't want to do anything wrong by
    • Always finding things that remind me of the woman I am in love with, ruining things there
    • I see a lot of other things that affect my conscience too
    • But mostly it's the loss of moral authority with the people competing with me and trying to bring me down
    • I also get pretty irrational after consumption of a lot of porn
    • I often make bad and wrong decisions afterwards, too
    • I think it vastly increases my OCD, or does OCD-like symptoms by itself
    • All this probably makes me angry
    • It probably makes me more stressed out, too
    • I think it makes my skin break out and look redder and more mottled and less good
    • It makes it so I can't look girls and women store clerks in the eye
    • And not young men in the eye, either, even though I'm 33
    • It embarrasses me and makes me self-conscious
    • It just sets me back in my plans for life, a lot
    • Like two hours sets me back about a day and a half
    • So if I do it every two days I basically won't have enough time, period
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    relapsed

    I relapsed to porn over the last few days, having been less enthusiastic with the whole anti-porn thing.

    This was clearly a relapse and not just a slip however, and thanks to another forum member for pointing out the difference.

    One of the first positives I ever had from trying to quit Internet porn addiction was a lot of self-respect. I had a lot of self-respect for several days. I even realised that the main reason people were treating me like shit was because I was letting them. They even think are supposed to.

    I generally think I am on a break right now as far as rebooting or not rebooting, but that still doesn't mean I can look at porn.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    commentary on first official rebooting attempt

    I believe that in my first unofficial rebooting attempt I relapsed about five times, and slipped about three times.

    Negatives (withdrawal symptoms):
    - Anxiety
    - Not knowing what to do with my time
    - Extreme moods in the morning
    - Rage, real rage, in the morning
    - Anger

    The screaming I listed before may not have been a symptom of withdrawal. I said "withdrawal's a bitch" and mentioned screaming, the screaming may not have been related.

    Mostly it was frustration with not knowing what to do other than watch TV, use my PC, or browse the Web, things I don't think I should have been doing. This frustration is a pre-existing problem for me, though, not related to trying to quit Internet porn. I had it before.

    I plan post about pre-existing problems in my journal or in the main Pornography Addiction section since it seems important to discuss.

    I have already listed many of the positives in this journal. Actually I probably should not have so much, and probably overdid it. But here are the positives from trying to quit Internet porn and abstaining so far:
    - self-respect sometimes
    - not anxious or despairing as much
    - sleeping better
    - not having bad consequences from life from masturbating to pornography
    - not having anxiety to do with what to do with sperm-filled clothing
    - not being anxious and worried for days after acting out, and wasting all that time
    - being a lot more on top of things over all, including knowing what to do with my time

    Many, many other positives have happened due me abstaining from pornography a lot more than usual. I have listed all of them here, including getting to start a Livejournal journal and vastly improving my food buying and eating, including diet.

    Perhaps the best positive was the idea and inclination to begin courtship of a woman I am in love with, along with some ideas and a plan on how to go about it, or at least start. I think without attempting no-PMO I would not have seriously had the idea to go and do it, or even had the inclination, that is, truly to want it!

    I wish that I had not relapsed and only slipped a few times during that rebooting attempt, and that I had considered more about what was preventing me from making it a truly official rebooting attempt.

    I think many things were and are preventing me from making it a truly official rebooting attempt, and that that would make a great topic for my next post.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Things blocking me from making a truly official rebooting attempt

    - I'm not sure I really want to
    - I don't know if I really want to change
    - I may have to do other major things to change
    - I'm not sure I want to change my lifestyle to much
    - I have been attempting to quit pornography for 17 years and it's very easy for me to give up again
    - I am kind of discouraged in life over-all
    - I am rebellious about doing anything constructive or doing any change in my life over all
    - I am not sure I have really decided to try yet, or how I would really go about deciding that

    Minor reasons:
    - I don't know how long to reboot (though perhaps just 90 days would be fine)
    - I am not sure if I will meditate regularly (though I probably will)
    - I am not sure how I am going to exercise effectively (though I have some ideas)
    - I am not sure how I am going to go running effectively (though I have some ideas)
    - I am not sure how I am going to avoid pointless Web browsing (though I have some ideas)
    - I am not sure how I am going to avoid excessive TV watching (though I have some ideas)
    - I am not sure how I will eat healthy

    These things above depend on external factors. I can't just go outside and do things whenever I want. That one of the main things blocking me from seriously trying to reboot, that is, I don't even know if I can do the practical things I need to do on a daily basis.
     
  18. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Re: Things blocking me from making a truly official rebooting attempt

    I have sometimes most if not all these feelings. It's not that you don't want to change, you do; if you didn't, you wouldn't even bother keeping the journal updated.
    You are scared of changing, of what you'll become, of what you'll have to face, of what others will change their attitude towards the "new" you. But you, deep down, want to change, that I'm sure. As I do (but am scared too).

    Start with 30. Tell yourself that you'll decide if going on or not on the 31th day. No pressure. Go at your pace.

    Schedule it. Take aside 10 minutes, be sure to not be disturbed while meditating and do it. Don't try to stop before 10 minutes ("I'm not getting anywhere, I might just end it here"), nor try to prolong the session. 10 minutes. At the same time every day. When you can effortlessly do 10 minutes, you increase to 20 and so on.

    Make a list of what is actually available at your home and plan to not buying again those unhealthy foods. Replace them all with fruits and vegetables (or other foods, depending what is the diet you want to follow).
    Stop going to fast food places. If you need Wifi, go to Starbucks (but don't eat sweets there, have some coffee/cappuccino and drink just that). Have some healthy food available with you at all time if you feel starving when outside. Nuts are great for this. Or fruits.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Re: Things blocking me from making a truly official rebooting attempt

    Fiddler, thank you for your post. The post you're replying to, my post, wasn't the most honest post I made to this journal, but I will try to reply anyway.
    I guess that's a happy thought :)

    My next step is probably to write two more lists:
    - A list of upsides to staying the same, that is, staying addicted to PMO/Internet porn
    - A list of downsides to staying the same, staying addicted to PMO/Internet porn

    Those first and second lists should be so depressing they should help me decide. I got the idea from Rotary Club California Web site called helpcenter.org or something. It was to do with quitting drinking though.

    About your feelings I guess I'm not surprised that it's a lot the same.

    Thank you for your input, Fiddler. I had not thought about fear but maybe it is the biggest thing.

    Now I'm thinking of thinking through more the before and after of the change, of intermittent P/MO to Internet porn, and of the results of the change, all the new habits and changes in lifestyle and free mind and increased confidence and free time from no P/MO. This should help with the fear, and with commitment.

    I needed all the advice you gave me on rebooting, meditation, and not going to fast food places. Thank you.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Looking back at my own journal--more of my story

    Looking back at all my posts on this journal I see that my mood is up and down, and also that I am "forgetting" about progress I have already made. I am losing progress all the time and I don't know why, since it's not necessarily because I did a PMO or PMO binge. This is what sticks out to me when I read my own journal. It also looks somewhat depressed and disorganised.

    It is also obvious I'm not committed, and don't have a plan. I know I have to post my own story on this journal, but I did not write past age 17 so far. Well, here goes for a little more of my story.

    I believe I had a confirmed Internet porn habit, probably an addiction, when I was 16 or 17 years old. I don't remember the precise details right now. But after that, the later part of when I was 18 years old, I had limited Internet access but don't remember looking up pornography. I didn't do P or MO on TV, either.

    When I was 19 I moved to live with a woman who also became a sexual partner. This continued for two years until I was 21. I think I only acted out once or twice in that time. Being Christian, and good, I felt exceedingly stressed and guilty about porno on TV.

    It's when I was 21 that addiction to Internet porn really took off. I stopped having sexual activity with this woman, but I continued to live with her. With my sex drive being extremely high it was not long before I was looking up porno again, like I had when I was 17.

    I was starting with just pictures of women or beautiful women, and then nudism Web sites (not children, not usually), but eventually soft core porno (just naked people) and hardcore porno later. This was before videos were very popular on the Internet. They were rare.

    We also had high speed Internet at that time, but I did not have ordinary media players installed on my computer so I didn't access all content. Also I wasn't savvy for the ways people normally use the Internet, whether for normal use or to get pornography, which is probably a good thing.

    I got better, though, and more addicted. The thing that made me the most addicted I think was all the guilt and shame after consuming and masturbating to Internet porn. And I had the thing at the time where I would often go back to the same thing I had seen before, but usually only a few times. This is the novelty effect that Gary talks about.

    So, I did not succeed in quitting Internet porn from 21 to 25 years old. That's all I want to talk about for now.
     

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