I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by quitprofoo, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Much respect for talking to your friend about your porn addiction. I feel like that is a very very difficult step to make, but it is a major one. It's too bad that he wasn't more supportive. If you get along well with your brother, I'd encourage you to share your struggles with him as well. This is something that took me years to do, so I understand if you're not ready for that yet. But now that I have crossed that bridge I can say the honesty and openness is refreshing. And it will help your relationships go to another level as well. Maybe not with all of them (like your online friend), but with some of them. We are all humans in this mess and we are struggling with things. But I feel like the overall "shame" feeling of porn addiction makes it difficult to open up to people about what you are going through.

    Good luck!
     
    TheScriabin likes this.
  2. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Well I PMOed twice today after sleeping poorly and having an emotional experience (not so intense). I used to have a list of my triggers somewhere but I will have to find it and update it if I'm going to make my next serious attempt to quit internet porn. Anyway I'm back on the internet but I still plan to restrict my internet access to 1-2 days a week if I can. Maybe more now that I have employment opportunity :-/.

    SeekingWisdom, I might not deserve that respect yet. I only merely let on that I view porn, I think I hinted at being addicted but he didn't take it too seriously. So I didn't pursue the subject, but at least I'm not thinking I should do anything about it on those lines anymore. I had my brother over today and we talked about childhood trauma which was healing, but I didn't get to porn with him. I plan to show him a YBOP presentation if porn comes up again in conversation between us, and not let on that I'm addicted but just show the video.

    I think I need to keep restricting my internet. I learned a lesson today: Make a list of my triggers or vulnerability points and be aware of when they're activity. I'll need to make a quitting porn notebook or binder. Thanks for your support viewers.
     
  3. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I am still limiting/restricting my internet and my life is getting better rapidly. I am getting a lot more done and dealing with reality a lot more. It's not perfect yet but I haven't looked at porn for like a week or two. I used to look at porn almost every day! It was really bad.

    All I'm doing is unplugging my modem for most of the days of the week. It's not occurring to me to turn it back on. Fortunately I have a lot of other things to do like watch TV, read, work on my computer, work on self-employment, sometimes interact with other people, cook and clean, and just sit and think and detox my brain.

    I don't know what to do when the cravings get intense. I will probably die for any kind of nudity, on TV, or any old files I can un-delete, or maybe even try to get porn off of someone else's wifi. I don't know what I'll do. My plan is to have 10 other things to do by then. If I have to use will power to not use porn I will 100% fail. I have failed at that about 100-200 times already. Plus, if willpower worked than it wouldn't be an addiction anyway. Trying to keep myself off the internet is challenging, I know lots of ways to get on it. I guess I could hand over my modem when it gets really bad. My ISP will take it back. I'll just tell them I'm buying a new modem and then not.

    And I certainly do feel the lost of pre-frontal cortex faculties. My planning, thinking things through, morality, impulse control, willpower are all eroded. I am so glad YBOP and Gary Wilson told me I can more or less get it all back. I plan to do so. I guess I could use more people to talk to and educational items.

    I have before walked through streets at night and been curious what people were watching on TV, hoping for "adult content" (porn). I am unsure about how weird or desperate this is, but maybe I should get some help.

    I am getting more confident in battling my social anxiety coming and going from my apartment as I please, so I don't feel so trapped in here anymore. That is a big part of me quitting porn too. I have gone outside a couple times recently and I noticed a park I'd like to go about 30 minutes from here which would be a good walk for me. I could go there with or without my notebook PC, there's no internet there in any case. Maybe it'll be a good habit for me in helping me rewiring my brain, socialise, and quit internet porn. That and other parks.

    So, I guess my plan is mostly: 0) Ability to go in and out of my apartment as I please, and to other safe and healthy places in the city, 1) 10-15-20 other things to do in my life other than internet and other than porn, 2) church counselling or therapy, 3) restricting my internet, and 4) maybe turning over my modem to someone for a while when I get to the worst of it, like my half-brother.

    But mainly I am consuming 95% less porn and my life is getting a lot better since restricting internet, and I think if I can arrange everything else properly I can quit internet porn.
     
    SeekingWisdom likes this.
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Great post. So nice to see how fast things can change for the better. You are on the right path. Really doing well. Keep inspiring!

    The curiosity is very normal and just fun imo. Hoping for porn is the inner-addict that is super smart when it comes to scavenge dopamine. That will disappear if you continue this direction!
     
  5. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I am unsure how much to limit or restrict my internet. It's not a whole solution though. I have gone back to looking up porn when I reconnect it. I have the hypofrontality (but I'm not admitting it to myself or others). I hope YBOP is right and I can rewire my brain to more or less normal. Restricting my internet works best when I unplug or disconnect my DSL modem. I still think I should give the modem back. I should also make a to-do list before I go on the internet and then not deviate from it, except maybe 10-15% of items, not porn. I am still getting slightly healthier, and using my internet much more wisely, I think (other than the porn use).

    Bleah, I think I'm getting depressed and maybe I should just give up my internet. I probably need to talk to a family doctor and get a prescription for anti-depressants.

    I have been wondering if I should punish myself if I look at porn, by removing privileges or something. I don't know which privileges, I don't really have a lot other than computers, television, and internet in my life. Does anyone think this is a good or bad idea?

    I have also thought about the following idea, what would it take to make a deal with myself to remove porn from my life forever? What is it that I want to replace porn? (I have watched Jordan B. Peterson psychology videos.) Well, I would like 1) well-paying employment in something i like, 2) an attractive wife, 3) big house and vehicle, 4) good standing in the community. I don't see any of that happening much soon.

    Also with all my free time and energy I have been working on being self-employed and have made computer tutor materials and worked on a flyer. If I can make ~ 50/hr I could really help my life. I can't work very much, and most of my time would be unpaid research and preparation, but I'd be able to eat healthier and have more of what I like.

    I just read on the YBR Twitter feed and it said that it's very difficult to be an addict if you're honest with everyone in your life about what's going on. That sounds very accurate. I am unsure whom I should tell about my problems or what I should say. Should I just allude to finding myself doing something on the internet I don't support? Also in the idea of honesty, I don't think I should type as much here as I do, going on at length like I'm doing right now in this sentence. I think I might be exhausted and will have to get recharged before I try to quit internet porn again, and maybe I should give up my internet access.

    Anyway I don't really know what to do with quitting porn except to 1) keep limiting internet access, 2) keep reaching out to talking to neighbours and family for being better accepted in society and 3) counselling, etc. Actually I'm tired and maybe a little depressed and I'm not really making a lot of sense right now.
     
  6. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I have been in contact by e-mail with people from church, and with my step-father and my brother, and my mind has been thinking of what to do and say with them. Maybe this has reduced my porn use recently, because it's not almost every day anymore. I haven't been keeping track, but it's not even most days for about 1 week. These two people are improving my life a lot and I think church is a good influence on me too. (Maybe there should be a Christian internet porn recovery website based on Gary Wilson's YBOP education.)

    About 1 week ago is when I showed my brother the Your Brain on Porn introductory video linked here. We watched it and he wasn't rude and didn't interrupt. I haven't confessed to him that I've been looking at porn regularly for about 19 years and that I'm trying to quit, but I guess it's kind of transparent now (unless he thinks I did it just to be preachy), so I guess I'll tell him next time. So maybe showing that video helped me.

    The night before he was supposed to come over I binged on a lot worse porn than I usually do. Maybe it was my addiction (or the devil) trying to get me not to show the presentation to him. But I did it anyway. I was overtired when he got here, because I had been up all night binging, and maybe my discretion is lowered. Anyway I think it was okay and appropriate to show the video, and I don't think it harmed him or humiliated me.

    This brother has also volunteered to play challenging logical games with me (chess, card-based games) to help me rewire my brain, like it says could help on YBOP. That is all for now.
     
  7. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I made an appointment for my pdoc (psychiatrist). I have worked on my life plan somewhat like TheUnderdog recommended. I think he's absolutely right. Trying to refrain or abstain from porn does nothing. Only building a new life you want, with no porn, is going to work or even be healthy. I think I'm in a clinical depression right now but I think I did some helpful work on my life plan. At least I got a rough list of goals with everything I can think of for 1-2 years written down. I think I might be too depressed to work on it more, so I am going to ask my pdoc for recommendations on clinical depression. But also I'm going to keep thinking about it.

    I'm interacting with my neighbours more, although it isn't always a good idea or have good results. I'm just mentioning this because it's part of my plan to get out of the house and away from internet porn more. I have also gotten more movies, temporarily got a streaming service, gotten myself into the back yard more, got my bicycle and am currently trying to get it going. I also started to try reading again. But it's difficult for me to do all of those things partially because my brain is fried due to internet porn (see symptoms list below).

    About internet porn. I am still not admitting I am addicted. I had the habit of putting my porn browsing windows on another desktop (workspace in UNIX terms). Recently I decided that if I was viewing it, and it wasn't okay (or if it was okay), I should be able to view it in my main workspace. I left it open and I accidentally switched too it later and I was shocked that I had it open and how much. I also accidentally showed it outside, but I don't think anyone saw. I'm not understanding, not "getting it" that I'm addicted to internet porn. I think I'm not even being honest that I do look at it and consume it.

    I've confessed it to my step-father and (almost) to my friendly brother, but it still doesn't feel real, like I'm doing something wrong. (Yes, in my morality, porn is wrong. I don't really mind if it's different for you.) So maybe finding the right people to confess it to, and exactly what the right things to say are, will help me get accountable for quitting. In reality I am completely and extremely (entirely?) addicted. I have all the hypofrontality and compulsiveness that https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ Your Brain On Porn tells me about. I have weak will power, weak impulse control, almost no forethought and planning. I'm really bad at chess, for example.

    And my tastes have gone extremely far beyond what I was originally seeking out when I first started looking at porn. I'm scaring myself. What I am looking at and masturbating too sometimes is truly repulsive. I have definitely escalated, and I have for a long time now. It's gotten extreme.

    I have been working on real life more, things like getting out more, having more relationships, trying to have more life success and sense of accomplishment. I have been slightly successful at this. I used to think it was porn holding me back, but now I think that not having a good life is holding back getting better from porn. Porn is a symptom, not a cause. I mean it's not helping, but all the symptoms of porn and hypofrontality aren't really ruining my life. They're making it worse, but it's still possible to have a good one.

    Now, here is a triggering picture. It's of a young woman pretending to masturbate like a guy does. https://i.imgur.com/ajNKbov.gif It's a parody of what all us dudes are doing on the internet, and I think it's pretty true to life. So yeah, we, and I, look stupid and there's probably something better we can do with our time. We're rats on dopamine. (Edit: This used to say "rats on morphine" but I figure that's too harsh and not really true.)
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2019 at 5:31 PM
  8. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, and before that I had a meeting with my little support team.

    I know this journal might be depressing, but I insist that my life has gotten much better since I first started it. I don't even want you to know how bad it was when I started.

    Other things I've been doing to try to rewire to reality is reading a science fiction book and listening to the radio more.

    I don't remember what I said in the last post, but I am getting out of the house more. So progress is slow, especially with some symptoms of clinical depression, and with people assuming I'm mean due to my disability.

    Yeah, this post isn't well organised, but I'm tired. I still say things are improving for me.

    I made a life plan list. I'm sure I talked about this already. It was just a rough draft, though. I have decided to change it to have more friends, and be less about having a girlfriend. Mainly I'm changing it to be more short term. Well, that's not really a change at all. It's just me implementing the details of the long term plan, like I'm supposed to.

    In the short term I would like to get more on my support team, more friends, stay in contact with church, continue to get outside more, and continue to get a few more things to do with myself rather than sit on my notebook on the internet.

    My plan for sex and porn is to try to listen to that voice again when it shows up just before I'm about to do something I know is wrong, usually when I decide to look up porn. I figure it's currently okay for me to masturbate without porn, fantasy, or memories, but I never do that, which is telling.

    So I guess my plan is to continue to get more activities to do that don't waste time on the internet, and to continue to get more friends and contacts to help be a good influence on me and maybe help me with my wounded, overloaded conscience.

    I think after I have a plan for a more normal life I can add on filtering and limiting my internet access, and finally try to reboot from porn again.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.

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