I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Much respect for talking to your friend about your porn addiction. I feel like that is a very very difficult step to make, but it is a major one. It's too bad that he wasn't more supportive. If you get along well with your brother, I'd encourage you to share your struggles with him as well. This is something that took me years to do, so I understand if you're not ready for that yet. But now that I have crossed that bridge I can say the honesty and openness is refreshing. And it will help your relationships go to another level as well. Maybe not with all of them (like your online friend), but with some of them. We are all humans in this mess and we are struggling with things. But I feel like the overall "shame" feeling of porn addiction makes it difficult to open up to people about what you are going through.

    Good luck!
     
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  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Well I PMOed twice today after sleeping poorly and having an emotional experience (not so intense). I used to have a list of my triggers somewhere but I will have to find it and update it if I'm going to make my next serious attempt to quit internet porn. Anyway I'm back on the internet but I still plan to restrict my internet access to 1-2 days a week if I can. Maybe more now that I have employment opportunity :-/.

    SeekingWisdom, I might not deserve that respect yet. I only merely let on that I view porn, I think I hinted at being addicted but he didn't take it too seriously. So I didn't pursue the subject, but at least I'm not thinking I should do anything about it on those lines anymore. I had my brother over today and we talked about childhood trauma which was healing, but I didn't get to porn with him. I plan to show him a YBOP presentation if porn comes up again in conversation between us, and not let on that I'm addicted but just show the video.

    I think I need to keep restricting my internet. I learned a lesson today: Make a list of my triggers or vulnerability points and be aware of when they're activity. I'll need to make a quitting porn notebook or binder. Thanks for your support viewers.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I am still limiting/restricting my internet and my life is getting better rapidly. I am getting a lot more done and dealing with reality a lot more. It's not perfect yet but I haven't looked at porn for like a week or two. I used to look at porn almost every day! It was really bad.

    All I'm doing is unplugging my modem for most of the days of the week. It's not occurring to me to turn it back on. Fortunately I have a lot of other things to do like watch TV, read, work on my computer, work on self-employment, sometimes interact with other people, cook and clean, and just sit and think and detox my brain.

    I don't know what to do when the cravings get intense. I will probably die for any kind of nudity, on TV, or any old files I can un-delete, or maybe even try to get porn off of someone else's wifi. I don't know what I'll do. My plan is to have 10 other things to do by then. If I have to use will power to not use porn I will 100% fail. I have failed at that about 100-200 times already. Plus, if willpower worked than it wouldn't be an addiction anyway. Trying to keep myself off the internet is challenging, I know lots of ways to get on it. I guess I could hand over my modem when it gets really bad. My ISP will take it back. I'll just tell them I'm buying a new modem and then not.

    And I certainly do feel the lost of pre-frontal cortex faculties. My planning, thinking things through, morality, impulse control, willpower are all eroded. I am so glad YBOP and Gary Wilson told me I can more or less get it all back. I plan to do so. I guess I could use more people to talk to and educational items.

    I have before walked through streets at night and been curious what people were watching on TV, hoping for "adult content" (porn). I am unsure about how weird or desperate this is, but maybe I should get some help.

    I am getting more confident in battling my social anxiety coming and going from my apartment as I please, so I don't feel so trapped in here anymore. That is a big part of me quitting porn too. I have gone outside a couple times recently and I noticed a park I'd like to go about 30 minutes from here which would be a good walk for me. I could go there with or without my notebook PC, there's no internet there in any case. Maybe it'll be a good habit for me in helping me rewiring my brain, socialise, and quit internet porn. That and other parks.

    So, I guess my plan is mostly: 0) Ability to go in and out of my apartment as I please, and to other safe and healthy places in the city, 1) 10-15-20 other things to do in my life other than internet and other than porn, 2) church counselling or therapy, 3) restricting my internet, and 4) maybe turning over my modem to someone for a while when I get to the worst of it, like my half-brother.

    But mainly I am consuming 95% less porn and my life is getting a lot better since restricting internet, and I think if I can arrange everything else properly I can quit internet porn.
     
    SeekingWisdom likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Great post. So nice to see how fast things can change for the better. You are on the right path. Really doing well. Keep inspiring!

    The curiosity is very normal and just fun imo. Hoping for porn is the inner-addict that is super smart when it comes to scavenge dopamine. That will disappear if you continue this direction!
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I am unsure how much to limit or restrict my internet. It's not a whole solution though. I have gone back to looking up porn when I reconnect it. I have the hypofrontality (but I'm not admitting it to myself or others). I hope YBOP is right and I can rewire my brain to more or less normal. Restricting my internet works best when I unplug or disconnect my DSL modem. I still think I should give the modem back. I should also make a to-do list before I go on the internet and then not deviate from it, except maybe 10-15% of items, not porn. I am still getting slightly healthier, and using my internet much more wisely, I think (other than the porn use).

    Bleah, I think I'm getting depressed and maybe I should just give up my internet. I probably need to talk to a family doctor and get a prescription for anti-depressants.

    I have been wondering if I should punish myself if I look at porn, by removing privileges or something. I don't know which privileges, I don't really have a lot other than computers, television, and internet in my life. Does anyone think this is a good or bad idea?

    I have also thought about the following idea, what would it take to make a deal with myself to remove porn from my life forever? What is it that I want to replace porn? (I have watched Jordan B. Peterson psychology videos.) Well, I would like 1) well-paying employment in something i like, 2) an attractive wife, 3) big house and vehicle, 4) good standing in the community. I don't see any of that happening much soon.

    Also with all my free time and energy I have been working on being self-employed and have made computer tutor materials and worked on a flyer. If I can make ~ 50/hr I could really help my life. I can't work very much, and most of my time would be unpaid research and preparation, but I'd be able to eat healthier and have more of what I like.

    I just read on the YBR Twitter feed and it said that it's very difficult to be an addict if you're honest with everyone in your life about what's going on. That sounds very accurate. I am unsure whom I should tell about my problems or what I should say. Should I just allude to finding myself doing something on the internet I don't support? Also in the idea of honesty, I don't think I should type as much here as I do, going on at length like I'm doing right now in this sentence. I think I might be exhausted and will have to get recharged before I try to quit internet porn again, and maybe I should give up my internet access.

    Anyway I don't really know what to do with quitting porn except to 1) keep limiting internet access, 2) keep reaching out to talking to neighbours and family for being better accepted in society and 3) counselling, etc. Actually I'm tired and maybe a little depressed and I'm not really making a lot of sense right now.
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I have been in contact by e-mail with people from church, and with my step-father and my brother, and my mind has been thinking of what to do and say with them. Maybe this has reduced my porn use recently, because it's not almost every day anymore. I haven't been keeping track, but it's not even most days for about 1 week. These two people are improving my life a lot and I think church is a good influence on me too. (Maybe there should be a Christian internet porn recovery website based on Gary Wilson's YBOP education.)

    About 1 week ago is when I showed my brother the Your Brain on Porn introductory video linked here. We watched it and he wasn't rude and didn't interrupt. I haven't confessed to him that I've been looking at porn regularly for about 19 years and that I'm trying to quit, but I guess it's kind of transparent now (unless he thinks I did it just to be preachy), so I guess I'll tell him next time. So maybe showing that video helped me.

    The night before he was supposed to come over I binged on a lot worse porn than I usually do. Maybe it was my addiction (or the devil) trying to get me not to show the presentation to him. But I did it anyway. I was overtired when he got here, because I had been up all night binging, and maybe my discretion is lowered. Anyway I think it was okay and appropriate to show the video, and I don't think it harmed him or humiliated me.

    This brother has also volunteered to play challenging logical games with me (chess, card-based games) to help me rewire my brain, like it says could help on YBOP. That is all for now.
     
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I made an appointment for my pdoc (psychiatrist). I have worked on my life plan somewhat like TheUnderdog recommended. I think he's absolutely right. Trying to refrain or abstain from porn does nothing. Only building a new life you want, with no porn, is going to work or even be healthy. I think I'm in a clinical depression right now but I think I did some helpful work on my life plan. At least I got a rough list of goals with everything I can think of for 1-2 years written down. I think I might be too depressed to work on it more, so I am going to ask my pdoc for recommendations on clinical depression. But also I'm going to keep thinking about it.

    I'm interacting with my neighbours more, although it isn't always a good idea or have good results. I'm just mentioning this because it's part of my plan to get out of the house and away from internet porn more. I have also gotten more movies, temporarily got a streaming service, gotten myself into the back yard more, got my bicycle and am currently trying to get it going. I also started to try reading again. But it's difficult for me to do all of those things partially because my brain is fried due to internet porn (see symptoms list below).

    About internet porn. I am still not admitting I am addicted. I had the habit of putting my porn browsing windows on another desktop (workspace in UNIX terms). Recently I decided that if I was viewing it, and it wasn't okay (or if it was okay), I should be able to view it in my main workspace. I left it open and I accidentally switched too it later and I was shocked that I had it open and how much. I also accidentally showed it outside, but I don't think anyone saw. I'm not understanding, not "getting it" that I'm addicted to internet porn. I think I'm not even being honest that I do look at it and consume it.

    I've confessed it to my step-father and (almost) to my friendly brother, but it still doesn't feel real, like I'm doing something wrong. (Yes, in my morality, porn is wrong. I don't really mind if it's different for you.) So maybe finding the right people to confess it to, and exactly what the right things to say are, will help me get accountable for quitting. In reality I am completely and extremely (entirely?) addicted. I have all the hypofrontality and compulsiveness that https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ Your Brain On Porn tells me about. I have weak will power, weak impulse control, almost no forethought and planning. I'm really bad at chess, for example.

    And my tastes have gone extremely far beyond what I was originally seeking out when I first started looking at porn. I'm scaring myself. What I am looking at and masturbating too sometimes is truly repulsive. I have definitely escalated, and I have for a long time now. It's gotten extreme.

    I have been working on real life more, things like getting out more, having more relationships, trying to have more life success and sense of accomplishment. I have been slightly successful at this. I used to think it was porn holding me back, but now I think that not having a good life is holding back getting better from porn. Porn is a symptom, not a cause. I mean it's not helping, but all the symptoms of porn and hypofrontality aren't really ruining my life. They're making it worse, but it's still possible to have a good one.

    Now, here is a triggering picture. It's of a young woman pretending to masturbate like a guy does. https://i.imgur.com/ajNKbov.gif It's a parody of what all us dudes are doing on the internet, and I think it's pretty true to life. So yeah, we, and I, look stupid and there's probably something better we can do with our time. We're rats on dopamine. (Edit: This used to say "rats on morphine" but I figure that's too harsh and not really true.)
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, and before that I had a meeting with my little support team.

    I know this journal might be depressing, but I insist that my life has gotten much better since I first started it. I don't even want you to know how bad it was when I started.

    Other things I've been doing to try to rewire to reality is reading a science fiction book and listening to the radio more.

    I don't remember what I said in the last post, but I am getting out of the house more. So progress is slow, especially with some symptoms of clinical depression, and with people assuming I'm mean due to my disability.

    Yeah, this post isn't well organised, but I'm tired. I still say things are improving for me.

    I made a life plan list. I'm sure I talked about this already. It was just a rough draft, though. I have decided to change it to have more friends, and be less about having a girlfriend. Mainly I'm changing it to be more short term. Well, that's not really a change at all. It's just me implementing the details of the long term plan, like I'm supposed to.

    In the short term I would like to get more on my support team, more friends, stay in contact with church, continue to get outside more, and continue to get a few more things to do with myself rather than sit on my notebook on the internet.

    My plan for sex and porn is to try to listen to that voice again when it shows up just before I'm about to do something I know is wrong, usually when I decide to look up porn. I figure it's currently okay for me to masturbate without porn, fantasy, or memories, but I never do that, which is telling.

    So I guess my plan is to continue to get more activities to do that don't waste time on the internet, and to continue to get more friends and contacts to help be a good influence on me and maybe help me with my wounded, overloaded conscience.

    I think after I have a plan for a more normal life I can add on filtering and limiting my internet access, and finally try to reboot from porn again.
     
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  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I have been good for 1-2 days, but busy.

    I am still reaching out to get more contacts in my family and family friends to get more support. I am trying to make a support team, actually.

    I guess the idea is to get me a lot of healthy things to do other than porn, useless time on the internet, or watching crap television. I know I've said that like 50 times lately, but I am slowly getting more things in my apartment to do, and getting out more, and maybe slowly getting more contacts to get to. I'm also trying to include professionals like a psychiatrist. I am also on a medication (prescription) that helps keep me calm.

    My plan is to keep that up.

    As for masturbating, I haven't done that without porn, preposterous sexual fantasy, or memory, in like a year or two. In a lot of my previous attempts to reboot I abstained from porn and also refrained from masturbation, except for about one masturbation session about once every 1 1/2 months, maybe a little less. I remember I was so looking forward to that 1.5 minutes of masturbation for a whole month. I am not sure if that helped me or harmed me, but I'm glad that I did it because it was highly educational.

    I don't get nocturnal emissions, that is, wet dreams, I guess because my stress or anxiety level is so high. That's why I think I have to allow myself a manual release, that is, masturbated, when I really can't take it anymore. I sometimes kept getting it wrong when I really couldn't take it anymore, but at a certain point, I knew. It was after 1-2 days of constant, I mean constant, thinking about sex and thinking about having a sex relationship. At a certain point I was feeling like my eyes were half full of white semen. And after 1-2 days of that, I figured it was okay to jerk off to ejaculation. But it was only okay if there was absolutely no porn, or any other visual or other kind of stimulus (other than my hand). And also I couldn't have a sex fantasy or try to remember a sex experience. I think this method worked.

    In the mean time, I guess I was supposed to practice "monk mode". If I remember correctly monk mode basically means you never, ever think about sex, and you certainly don't continue to think about it if it comes up. It seems that for many people this is basically the only way to not masturbate if you have a sex drive, or maybe most people. It's probably the only thing I can do.

    But right now I'm not going to try to refrain from masturbation. I've said this a few times already, but I think my next experiment will be to try not to masturbate if it's influenced or stimulated by anything. That is, I'm not allowed to see, otherwise sense, think about, or remember anything sexual if I want to masturbate. I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I think as soon as I can do that it might mean I'm helping getting near recovering from internet porn.

    I had my brother buy me the Your Brain On Porn 2017 book. I also downloaded a game I think will help get me into it instead of porn, and I plan to buy the full version as soon as I can buy the right pretend currency online store card.

    I still plan to do all the Your Brain On Porn website advice, which is basically refrain and shun all artificial sexual stimulation. And I also reread some of TheUnderdog's post on rebooting where he says the main thing is to build a new life, and maybe some monk mode, in order to reboot. I am slowly building my new life.

    I need a tonne more things in my life though, like more furniture, more relationships, getting out more, some more purpose or employment or goal in life, and maybe more books or video games. I will also just have to force myself more to do the following things:
    • Reading more
    • Listening to the radio more
    • Going outdoors more
    • Do chores more
    • Do money-related things more
    Basically I have a tonne of problems and I'm a wreck or a broken man, but I am hoping that with God, sense, support of other people, I can recover my life and from internet porn.
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I prayed about quitting porn again, which often makes me feel like posting here.

    I don't have much to say except my plan is the same: Try to get a lot of other things to do than go on the internet, so I can disconnect my internet from time to time, and also try not to masturbate with porn, sexual fantasies or memories. I'm failing miserably on the last part, but I'm slowly getting better on the first part.

    TheUnderdog's thread where he advised people to build a life that had no porn is still the advice I am trying to follow. I want to do the part about a calendar where I mark down how often I look at porn or jerk off, but the energy to do that has been drained out of me, I think. I am autistic, and this disability makes it difficult for me to focus or organise things sometimes, or do the same habit every day if it's against my habit. So I think that's the significant thing blocking me from doing the calendar thing, so far.

    Maybe something simpler, like tossing a bead into a small container, every time I MO in a way that I think I shouldn't, would be an easier way to keep track. Then I would just count them at the end of the month to see what my progress has been so far. That might be easier for me. But it's still a habits change, which is hard for me because of being autistic.

    ...

    Also, if I've looked at porn in the past 3-4 days, I am a lot more nervous about going to church. This has made me abstain for a few days or up to a week, but only a couple times so far. I've only gotten to church 4 times so far.

    The emotional attachment of my imaginary sexual fantasies are probably a thing that I need to work on too. I'm not sure how many of you other guys do that, but I think it's wrong and probably not healthy. Definitely my fantasies would be wrong and impossible to practice in real life, but I'm starting to think that all sexual fantasies would be wrong for me.

    In the other hand (feel free to take that as a pun), masturbating over imagining what a girl you like is like, or some non-sexual image of her in your mind, might not be immoral. But I doubt I can do that for now because I'm so used to sexual fantasies. Maybe the sexual fantasies are something I'd like to get rid of, along with the porn.

    ...

    I believe in being very open in this forum, so if any of you have any questions you can ask.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  11. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    What you need to tweak with building a life without porn is,

    You NEED to make 'that lifestyle' super fun, interesting and stimulating.

    The imagined "life without porn", yes, a life with no porn, BUT....a life full of:

    - fun
    - new things happening
    - cool people to talk with
    - hot girls to talk with
    - new places to travel to and immerse yourself in
    - new sports to play and try out
    - new hobbies and things to spend time on



    Only if your lifestyle has these factors in with honesty, well, porn will seem more attractive.

    What I would advise would be,

    Instead of putting in so much effort into quitting porn,

    Put all efforts into immersing a brand new lifestyle...

    Then, with only a tiny amount of effort, quitting porn is easy. So easy, you wont even realise you have quit it...YOULL BE TOO BUSY HAVING FUN WITH LIFE!
     
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  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Man, thanks a lot for your comment. It makes me feel better to know that people are trying to support me, and that I could be on the right track soon.

    It's similar to TheUnderdog's thread (which I haven't found yet, but should finally post before I post this reply. Edit 2: Found it here.) about how sheer abstaining isn't going to help, and we all have to build new lives to be an alternative to internet porn. (Added after I wrote the rest of this post:...) I should go and read it somewhat again, now. He's right, I should work on my life vision again. I'm gonna go do that after I finish reading his post. He's right about me wanting to escape uncomfortable life situations, too. Okay, I've read about the first 1/3 of it. (End of addition.)

    So you're right, I could use a lot more fun. I would also like more relationships, and more intimate ones, though not necessarily sexual. I could use a more constructive, challenging, rewarding life. Cool people to talk to, travel, sports and hobbies are great ideas, too!

    This is something much like what TheUnderdog said in his epic post, above. Actually, I don't think it will be easy, but I am thinking it will be possible to quit.

    In other news I am, in my life, talking to more people (maybe more people than I can really handle), and getting out more, and buying things for my home more, so I feel like more of a human being. These things include things for my kitchen and some music and movies to watch so I can have more things to do when I'm not on the internet. I'm still on the waiting list for counselling, I think, but I am also talking more with family about the serious things facing me, which is getting me a little bit of help there. (My family is cooked up with a hodge-podge of step- and half- family members, but it's some family, still.)

    I can't seem to stop looking at porn when I have the internet, but if I don't have my internet plugged in (or on), I find it slightly easier to resist going on the internet if I don't really have to. My idea is to make a lifestyle that reduces my required time on the internet, and gives me lots of healthy and enjoyable ("Fun" as Johnny Bravo would say ;)) things to do and then after that, if I have plenty to do without the internet, try to quit internet porn again. I also intend to talk about all this with my psychiatrist, and possibly some of this with my my family or someone from church, and possibly the counsellor.

    My family knows that I have mental health difficulties, and I've told some of them that I think my brain will heal more if I spend less time on the internet. This is true, but it doesn't mention porn. This way I can get them on my side as far as going out for a walk with me, or staying in and playing a mentally challenging game. I don't think I've had any success with this tack yet, but at least I've gotten something off my chest (I'm addicted to internet) and something might happen in the future.

    ...

    As you know, I've more or less given up on trying to reboot for the time being. Sometimes, I work up a streak of 3-5 days, though, especially after I've told one of my brothers about me and porn. I should also read this forum more often, probably this or some other no-porn information every time I am about to go and look up porn. I've also added Gary Wilson's, and Your Brain Rebalanced's (this site here's) Twitter pages, which contain information, reminders, and links to smart pages to help me quit internet porn. It's where I was reminded of TheUnderdog's epic post about getting a better life instead of abstaining.

    I've also noticed wise people on this forum with 500+ days of abstinence. I think I could have been one of those by now if I had been smarter, less mean to myself, and was honest with myself more about my behaviour and whether or not I'm looking at porn. I also think I'm having a lot harder time sexually adjusting than most people. Maybe this is mostly to do with my fundamentalist religious raising, and maybe also to do with my disability of autism. (We autistics are often simple for our ages.) I think this might have a lot to do with my frustration, and maybe I have put "pussy on a pedestal".

    Well, I think that's everything for now, I look forward to posting more later. Gonna go work on my life vision a little more again now. Thanks for your support.

    Edit: I wanted to edit to add, if I've consumed porn in the past 2-3 days, I'm a lot lot less likely to go to church, because of the shame or self-consciousness of it. So, there's an effect on my personal and social life if I see porn whether it's intentionally or through carelessness.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
  13. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    @Thelongwayhome27

    You are innocent good dude.

    Gentle with yourself and drift, doing so well because youre doing so pure.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Posting twice in two days.

    I went back and read more of TheUnderdog's post called My Thoughts on Rebooting [EXTREMELY LONG POST], the same as I've referenced something like four times lately. I'm glad I did. So, roughly, he recommends trying to have a good, no, excellent life, in order to quit porn. Okay, I am trying to improve my life. He also recommends the No Arousal Method (NoA) recommended in another thread I don't have the URL for at the moment.

    NoA used to be called "Monk Mode", but we are not using that name anymore because it seems to imply celibacy, which is probably not really a goal for most of us here, and not necessary, either. I do intend to be celibate, but I still think NoA is a better term. NoA is simply whenever you get a sexual thought, you calmly choose to think about something else. Actually, I think it's the only way to avoid porn or jerking off. I have tried Monk Mode, or NoA before with some success. I am hoping it might be different this time because I am more mentally healthy, I have contacts with more people, and I have a lot more things to do and places to go than jerk off or look at porn.

    So I tried NoA all yesterday and I avoided jerking off or looking at sexual things. I found it fairly difficult not to entertain sexual thoughts though, and I don't think I'm going to do well at this. I think I have to try, though. I'm having a crappy life where I can't hardly do anything, like go to school or group meetings, and I want to not waste my summer or my life. (It's summer in my hemisphere now.) I have said several times recently in this log that if I masturbated, it was supposed to be without sexual fantasies, images, memories, or porn. Well, I don't remember the last time I did that, so it's academic, that is, it doesn't really matter. So I have to give up on that idea.

    So, my current idea is to try NoA, and of course no porn or sexual images along with that, but also to keep finding things to do that make me happy, or even have fun with, in life.

    I am also still in line for counselling, still in line to see a psychiatrist, and I am trying to be in contact with other grown-ups and family about helping me have fun and get out of the house. Mainly, my difficulty is I feel crappy and I don't have fun or enjoy myself doing most things, and so I don't really do any fun thing other than porn. I feel so guilty and my self-esteem is so low, and I think I'm self-punishing myself a lot, so I don't do things that are fun. Thanks, Johnny Brave, you are right, I am not having enough fun!

    I think I am going to try to figure out for what I'm self-punishing, and if these punishments are really helpful, and what I should really do. (It probably not self-discipline, but just trying to do better in the future. I am possibly way too mean to myself.) Anyway these are things that my counsellor or family might support me with, and I've set up both of those things, so I think the only thing I can do is keep working on it.

    Stay well fellow no-porners.

    Edited: I forgot to put in my discussion on filtering (porn web blocking). So here it is.

    Shortly after posting yesterday I added back in the two filters I use on my computers, the hosts file blocklist, which blocks about 90% of the porn I like to look at, and a browser extension that blocks a lot of the rest. The last one is called Simple Blocker for Firefox and requires manually setting in URLs to block. And then I started to read this thread which sidebarred into getting very good filtering. They were serious about it, and this was a good example for me.

    I've talked about filtering a lot on this log, but I still haven't found a very serious, long term solution. Here are some ideas:
    • Go without the internet entirely, just cancel my internet and use letter mail to talk to people
    • Have the internet on only when people I trust are here, maybe even let them keep my modem and bring it over with them
    • Set up filtering on all my computers,and there are a lot of them, and use willpower to not turn it off
    • Set up filtering on the modem somehow (maybe buy a more expensive one that can do this) and then use willpower not to turn it off
    • Filtering on the modem, but it's encased in a locked box that I can't break, but still has cables in and out for the modem
    This last one I think was suggested as an idea in the thread I linked to. I don't think I can manage any of those, really, not long term.

    However, I have a spare computer with two network cards I think I can make into a filter, and I think I can also make it so that if it gets disconnected for more than a few seconds, it sends a notification to someone. It would be continually sending an encrypted heartbeat to someone over the internet. If I try to disable it or remove it from the internet to look at porn, the heartbeat will be interrupted and someone will know. I was thinking of my brother I told about porn to.

    I think I want to do this solution. What remains is to buy a couple parts for this computer, and then figure out a scheme for setting all that up, which I find challenging and I for some reason extremely want to do. The project of locking myself out of internet porn is an interesting one to me. I think I might be able to buy the parts I need for it soon, and then I can get to work on it.

    It's possible that there could be an electricity or internet failure, but in that case I can just walk to their house or something to justify it (and call or send a text message), and wait for the power or internet to come back up. Or some other thing that proves that I wasn't even in the house.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2019
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  15. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Keep up the good work! So much of this is mental. I've found that even if I've abstained from porn for up to a year before and still relapsed because I could not control my mind and stop fantasizing. This eventually lead to a relapse. We may not be able to control the sexual thought appearing in our mind, but we can control what we do with that thought. I believe you are on the right path!

    I encourage you to keep going to church as often as you can. I know it can be difficult to do after a relapse, especially when the guilt leads to social anxiety. But I still would encourage you to go and join in on the corporate worship. I know personally based on my Christian upbringing, the fact that I could not manage to repent from my sin was very frustrating and very scary. I was frustrated that it seemed that God was not answering my prayers for healing and I was scared that maybe I was not saved. I came to a realization one day that the whole time I had the Word of God sitting right in front of me and wasn't reading it! How could I complain about Him not answering my prayers when He left me a whole book that I wasn't reading? Just an FYI: When I was in my lowest moments I was reading the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapters 5-7) almost every day. It made a big difference for me.

    I will be praying for you. Keep fighting.
     
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  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    SeekingWisdom, I plan to reply to your post later, since it's worth spending time thinking about.

    Current status

    On my 3rd day of NoA I have not looked at porn. I went to a porn site that I knew was blocked by my filter, and I didn't see any porn. I also jerked off a little, slightly, to fantasies.

    To be honest my life has already gotten a lot better. My mind is clearer, my conscience is clearer, and I am perhaps slightly less anxious and guilty. I'm also slightly more confident, and today I got a post to a weblog sent to me by a friend on IRC, and it was written by a nerdy woman, and I was feeling more included into society and entitled to talk to women and be seen as an equal. It's just a slight feeling but if all non-porn life-styles are like this, this could really encourage me. Actually, I think I've noticed that whenever I start a new rewiring attempt, actual nerdy women start to stand out to me, with the real possibility of having a relationship with them (whether social or sexual). This is probably just good karma (cognitive biases in this case maybe).

    Porn blocking (filtering)

    I still think to stop and prevent me from looking at porn I will either have to have limited or no internet access, or one monster of a porn filter. My idea before of a porn blocking filter machine is still in my mind, but I am not sure it's the best idea still. It's possible if I do this project I should start with a whitelist, and work my filtering up from there. I guess I have to do something because I have about five computers or smartphones that can get on internet porn at the moment, and my willpower probably isn't going to last that long.

    I still have filtering on my my main computers, the hosts block file and the Simple Blocker, but it's mostly me forgetting that I can remove these filters or use a separate computer that's keeping me refraining from looking at porn at the moment. I've been trying to think of how to make a dedicated filter that I can't disable or fake, but I think I can't do that. I think I could always just plug it into a switched hub (called a switch to most people), and have it keep sending its pings, meanwhile I bypass the filter through using the hub. It's possible I could send a keepalive so it keeps track if even the Ethernet link goes does, so maybe this is possible as an idea after all.

    In order to get the big machine filter, the separate computer that is to filter my whole internet, going, I will need to buy some computer parts and do a lot of research on how to best filter and how to set up a machine that even I can't break into, and how to set up an alarm to go off if this machine ever goes down.

    I was thinking of having this machine continually send a ping or heartbeat to someone else on the internet, and if it goes down, both my brother (or someone else) and myself are alerted somehow. Him alerted because I could be disconnecting my computer to get around the porn filter, or rebooting the computer to disable or turn off the porn filter. Me alerted because it might be a false alarm; that is, perhaps the machine is failing for some other reason, or the internet is just down like sometimes it can do.

    I guess I'd have to write into the computer that it will refuse to send the ping unless it knows it's directly connected to the modem. (Edit: I already mentioned this above, but I'm leaving this sentence in here anyway.)

    It's possible I might have to get rid of my smartphone and replace it with a basic phone, too. Maybe after 90 days of no porn I will try to sneak porn or nudity, or just something sexy, in a cafe sometime. I have a laptop with wifi, too, but for some reason I'm not thinking I can get rid of that, maybe because it's more real to me and I am likely to be more responsible for it.

    Church and Christianity

    Seeking Wisdom is right, I should go to church as much as possible.

    Meditation and Bible-reading

    I am putting off meditation and Bible-reading, despite that Seeking Wisdom is probably right about reading it. I guess I found it so hard to do the last time that I pretty much don't want to do either of those things now. I don't really have any ideas on making me do either of these things, except by maybe rewarding myself quite a lot in life for doing them.

    Things to do other than porn

    I have gotten more of my computers going, gotten a TV, and bought some more music. I should buy more...
    • Board games
    • Music, movies, TV, video games
    • Knitting, artistic, crafting or cooking materials
    And I should have more visitors in my house and to visit more people.

    Seeking Wisdom deserves a bigger reply to his reply, but I'm not ready to.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Yes, exactly. The only possible way I have found not to masturbate is not to entertain any entertaining thoughts of sex. Every single time if I let myself go on that path it comes out as a sex thing later. (Edit: I mean, ending up masturbating.) And, well, since I'm entirely addicted to internet porn, thoughts of sex lead to looking up porn and masturbating instead of just masturbating. So, as hard and difficult as it is, I think NoA, and not thinking about sex, is the only way to quit internet porn and get back my forebrain, attraction to real women, confidence, spare time, and erections.

    I have been able to masturbate without really fantasising or thinking about porn, but usually only after 40 or 60 days of no PMO, and then I only did it as a relief from the intense pressure of not having sex.

    Ah, I think I feel you, or you feel me, about church and porn and social anxiety.

    I have not been reading the Bible recently. I haven't been reading every day, like a Christian is supposed to do, for a month or two, and then another gap of months or even a year. I think I am bored and frustrated in reading the Bible. I may be regressing in Christianity. Although I think I am not a Christian yet, but I just have a lot of Christian influence. I don't know what will get me motivated to read it again, perhaps if I had a physical Bible with an Old Testament I like, or if I had people to talk to about what I read instead of being stuck with the same old questions every time.

    The Bible reading goal also reminds me of meditation. I think I should be meditating on a daily basis, whether transcendental, mindful, or both, but I'm not doing that, either. I made myself do it regularly a few years ago and I think I'm still upset about it. So I don't want to do it now...

    Edit: Thanks for really praying for me. Probably a lot of people are praying for me at this point (although I could use it). (End edit.)

    So... how do you feel about Your Brain On Porn's suggestion that fooling around with a woman can help with rewiring? What exactly is wrong sexual activity in Christianity? I can't imagine waiting until marriage for light sexual activity... Maybe he (Gary Wilson) means necking or groping or french kissing... maybe those are sexual enough to rewire you, but not sexually intimate enough to qualify as real sexual activity. Because, I'd like to rewire as soon as possible and I don't know when or if I will get married. I would like to rewire in a year or two, but it could be 20 years or never before I get married, and I'd like to get all my functions back before then.

    Okay, the rest of the message is me rambling about recovery.

    Status update

    Fourth day clean from no porn. I don't know how I'm going to keep this up. I need real, hard to defeat filtering, and a number of things to do other than internet porn. I was thinking of buying more television that I can watch without internet. I have two movies with nudity. They're not very tempting to me now, but I guess I can get someone else to hold on to them when the temptations get worse. I have other movies or pictures of pretty people, sometimes revealing... well I mean movies anyway. I am not sure if it does me good or harm to see those pictures.

    But Gary Wilson is probably right, if it's not a real woman, don't let it be sexual stimulation. And he means a real woman with you, in front of you, physically.

    But I am dreading the following. I am dreading spending 90 or 350 days sitting in front of my computer cringing and gritting my teeth not to look up internet porn.

    In other words, that would happen if I don't think of some other things to do, some fun like Johnny Bravo is telling me to do, or a good life like TheUnderdog is telling me to do. So I guess every day I should be trying to improve my life. Actually, I should be looking at my life goals list every day. I've written four life plan lists, and they get more specific as you go on. I guess I should a) read the life plan, b) work on how bad my life is, and c) try to update the life plan. Because my life is bad.

    So, every day I should work on my life plan. Not on my life, but on my life plan. I don't know how I'm going to remind myself to do that. I'm going to see if I get an idea in the next 24-48 hours.

    Okay, I think that's enough to talk about for now.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2019
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Update

    I'm about five days clean. I only had significant temptations yesterday, but I turned them down because I didn't want to ruin my progress so far, and I guess I just didn't want to continue to look like a pervert to others and ruin more of my sexuality. I think I ended up watching Jordan Peterson lecture videos instead. Looking at those videos instead of porn has worked for me in the past. They are the type of thing that helps encourage me to better or improve my life. I'm having to exercise NoA about 5-10 times a day.

    The main thing distracting to me is well, the face or skin of any girl or woman I find attractive. The second main thing is probably sex memories or fantasies that written internet porn helped encourage in me. However, an upside is I still feel slightly more confident, and slightly more allowed, or entitled--at least to being allowed to talk to or perhaps form a relationship with a nerdy woman I feel is attractive. I also feel slightly less anxious and guilty. I'm also getting a few more things done, like the computer below, and am wasting less time.

    I am keeping up with talking to family, mostly over e-mail. I am occasionally making myself play a video game or two because I need to be nice to myself. I am so cruel or mean to myself all the time, probably for no significant right reason. I think this being mean to myself thing is something I might need to solve to help me quit porn.

    Filtering

    I got a necessary ingredient for my filtering computer, and I got that computer to start and I put an operating system on it. The computer is crashy, though. I might be able to use it as a filter, but not a "dead-man's-switch filter". Probably I can repair the computer, though. At least this was significant progress in my extremely good filter project. I guess my next steps are to figure out how to repair the hardware, and also to find out what filtering software I should use (probably e2guardian). I may need to add firewall rules to prevent access to the WWW outside of the filter. I may need to blacklist sites and maybe to block whole protocols upon which there may be porn. (This last part would just be blocking port numbers in a firewall.)

    Maybe instead of a dead man's switch I could have a system monitor report published by HTTP (Web) or e-mail. The report could include if the network connection (Ethernet) was unplugged, even for a second. It might even be table to tell if the system has been rebooted or turned off. Then my brother could hold me accountable (or another person I don't think I can lie to). This might be a lot simpler than making a dead man's switch, since system uptime software has probably already been written, and it might be more accurate. However a dead man's switch system monitor isn't such a good idea if my system isn't stable, because I'd get a lot of downtime reports that could be mistaken for me turning off the firewall and looking at porn, and my system isn't stable yet.

    The future

    I have a few movies with naked people in them. I don't want to give them up, but perhaps I can let a family member hold them for me indefinitely. Perhaps I can get edited editions somehow. I have other movies with scenes of women that I would find attractive. I don't yet know how to define the line of which movies I should ask someone to hold for me and which I shouldn't. If the standard is no nakedness, then I might keep almost all of them. If the standard is no arousal (NoA), I might have to ask a family member to hold a few more. I am trying to plan ahead for when I'm 40 or 80 or 100 days no-masturbation or porn or orgasm and I'm so starving for something sexual a curvy pear might make me want to masturbate.

    I have some other pictures of people who I know on my harddrive. I guess I can give up the sexy ones (they're not of naked people), especially since it can probably be downloaded again.

    Like I said, I am trying to plan ahead. I am probably going to need to give up my Internet regularly, like for a few days a week, to help me get out of the habit of being addicted to the internet. I think that, in combination with a really good filter, will help block me from looking up porn on the internet. The rest of the challenge is to find things to do that don't hurt my life that I can do instead of overusing the internet and looking at porn. Mostly I feel socially anxious about going outside, but I am working on that, and I can get into the back yard easily now, and sometimes I can go into stores. I plan to buy more TV and video games, and some pet fish and maybe a couple more plants.

    I am anxious about the future with forcing myself to go out, but now that I think about it, I might not really have to force myself to do that, or at least not any more than I'm doing now. And also I will probably find it easier if I'm not socially anxious from recently consuming porn. Yeah, church might be a good idea for something to do for getting out of the house and something edifying. For some reason I still dread going out and socialising, though.

    I am also dreading (or anxious ) about the following thing: When I'm not looking at porn, and I have really good filtering installed that I can't think of a way around, I imagine myself spending hours and hours a day, for weeks or months on end, sitting at my computer, staring at the screen, trying to will myself into not looking up porn. But I just said that the filtering would be so good that I wouldn't be able to get around it, so I won't need to use willpower. That is the point of using filtering after all. So I don't know what I'm so anxious about. Mostly I should give myself permission to do fun things that have nothing to do with the internet, and it's not like I don't have letters or paperwork to catch up on.

    So, here's some things I might have to do for the future:
    • Delete sexy pictures on my harddrive, even if they're not porn or of naked people (okay, I've at least moved them to the trash for the moment)
    • Buy a pet and houseplants
    • Go outside, but don't overdo it as far as interacting with other people
    • Give myself permission to do things that I enjoy, that aren't on a computer or pornography-related, just for the fun of it
    • Catch up on paperwork and government things
    • Continue to do chores and repairs in my house
    • Continue on some relationships
    • Continue to work on my employment and schooling prospects
    • Maybe even get a job
    • Continue to interact with church
    • Set up internet filter computer with uptime reporting
    Rewiring and rebooting

    (Edited to add this section.)

    I guess I am in a two step process, one of de-wiring from internet porn (and maybe of the internet altogether), and the second one of wiring to real people. In retrospect this might be more than just about sex. I may have never wired to people in the first place, even for personal relationships. I have a disability, autism, so maybe that's what really happened. We autistics are famous for not socially connecting with people, or deeply getting social conventions (which look like irrational nonsense to us).

    It may be that me trying this basic task of rewiring away from computers plus the internet, and into real personal relationships is harder even than quitting internet porn. I would still like to rewiring away from internet porn and not have anything sexually wrong with me. But it may be extra hard for me because I don't have a deep, close connection with other people like most people have.

    It also may be hard for me because I'm not sure I was sexually wired to real girls in the first place, although I did do sexual acts with real girls before I got completely and thoroughly addicted to internet porn. I guess it's probably still possible to rewire sexually to real women, or at least away from internet porn. This social gap though, may be very deep, and I guess it's something that I have to think about. Maybe I should find more oddballs or social outcasts to talk to (or read their web pages) to help me know what to do about this.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Update

    I guess I'm 7 or 8 days without porn, and only a small amount of fantasising and masturbation. That's more than I expected. I guess I have to keep up with the NoA if I want to keep up this streak. My fears about being distressed or fretful because I'm not looking at porn haven't come true yet. I have been finding other things to do than to look up porn. Mostly I feel a lot better as in a lot more moral or integral,having a clearer conscience, more confident, clearer headed and easier to think, and also I think getting more done.

    I have also started reading other people's journals here. I guess I was avoiding it for a while because I felt like I wasn't entitled to it if I wasn't seriously trying to quit, or maybe I felt like I was better than you other people and you didn't have anything to offer. Boy am I wrong and stupid. Anyway, I hope you guys don't mind, but I'm reading some of your journals. I've even added two of them to my bookmarks to check up on daily. I should probably just use the follow feature of this forum software though.

    Psychiatrist, therapy, psychologist or counselling

    I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I have already told him about me looking at pornography. I plan to remind him that I think it's wrong and I don't want to be doing it, and that I've been trying to quit approximately for decades now. But I intend to tell him that I am upset, sad, distressed or distraught first. Something is wrong with my mental or emotional state and I intend to tell him about it and get his advice. A lot of my idea to do this comes from a post by @Johnny Bravo where he talked about ADHD, PTSD, C-PTSD and just in general emotions and abuse in a long post, which also mentions re-parenting. Reading that post made me think that maybe I should speak to my psychiatrist about being distraught or about having been abused. I am not sure that I am a child abuse victim or survivor or not, but I guess I can look into it.

    Although I plan to continue to see the psychiatrist maybe I should hire a psychologist to go see, too. This is a new idea for me, just a few days old. I don't know how I will pay for it though, but it's possible I could work part time, in or out of my home. I guess I am still on the waiting list for a counselling service, and I have the name and location of a therapy company, but I don't know if I'll do those things. I might get the psychologist instead. For some reason I don't think that counselling will help or be worth the money, but maybe I can try all of these options and see what happens.

    Filtering

    I still have the two kinds of filtering on my computer, and I think just having it enabled is doing a lot to help remind me that I'm not looking at porn at the moment, and even that I think that looking at it is wrong (which I do). As far as the extremely good filter project, I have that computer on right now, but it's pretty crashy so I haven't decided to make it my filter for the whole network yet. I guess I'm still somewhat trying to figure out exactly what's making it crash and how to repair it. But mostly, I think I'm hesitating for emotional reasons. I guess I could make the filter and then just choose not to use it if I find some other way not to look at porn. (For example, I could give up my internet completely.)

    I didn't mean for this section on filtering to sidebar on my emotional attachment to pornography, but it did. This is the dread thing I've been talking about--I dread life without always accessible online pornography. I don't really know why, I can't really think of any good it's done me. But I fear torturing myself by spending half my waking hours every day for months looking at my computer, looking at something that I don't really want to look at and isn't useful at all, and spending all my emotional energy trying to resist binging on bizarre hardcore internet porn. So, maybe the cure is to make a bunch of alternative activities that are constructive or that I would enjoy.

    All that said, I think it's a terribly foolish of me to think that I can go without internet porn just based on willpower alone. I am high and confident on my ability to do it just with the power of my mind alone, but that is a really foolish idea because 1) if it's an addiction, then I no longer have control over it, whether with willpower or not, and 2) I've tried quitting on willpower like 40 times already and I've failed completely every time. So, I think I should try some combination of going without the internet entirely and, if I have it, to have a really good filter, probably one that I can't get around no matter how hard I try. So I plan to work more on the filter computer, and educate myself on how to make a filter and set it up to block all porn or sexual content on the internet.

    Alternative activities
    • Prayer, transcendental or mindful meditation (or both), Bible reading, wise or self-help book reading
    • Watching appropriate TV and movies (on TV or on computer)
    • Playing video and computer games
    • Playing table top games with family or friends
    • Reading books or magazines
    • Watching or listening to appropriate videos on YouTube, Lbry, or whatever
    • Chores, cleaning, making food
    • Fiddling around and educating myself on computers, with or without internet access
    • Astronomy and going out outside just to calm down
    • E-mailing or talking to friends and family
    • Along with sleeping, eating, bathing, toileting
    You know, that's actually quite a lot of reasonable, healthy alternative activities other than internet porn. I don't know what I'm so not looking forward to. Maybe it'll turn out to be nothing when I run into it, or maybe I won't run into it at all.

    Thanks for reading, I think I waxed verbose too much in this message but it's probably better to post than not. @SeekingWisdom, @Johhny Bravo, @occams_razor, @Gilgamesh, thanks for your support.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
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  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Update

    I've definitely peeked today, say 3-5 times. No M or O yet though. The peeking was wrong and a bad idea, and I guess now it's time for lessons learned...

    I am forced to admit that looking at beautiful chicks on the WWW is not conducive to my recovery at all, but how do I know when that's what I'm doing? Probably whenever I know that I'm looking at something just because they're of very pretty people, or to get something sexual out of it. I am not sure if I should ban that or not, or how to tell exactly when I'm doing the wrong thing to do with that.

    Thinking about you guys and thinking about how I would ruin my streak and look less impressive to you helped me not go all the way in looking at porn. Also I felt like it was too early in my reboot. So that's a good thing, but I'm sure it won't last forever, and it shouldn't be the only thing I rely on.

    I think I have unresolved issues with my sexuality, pre-dating even my use of internet porn in the 90s. I think I don't know how to handle the idea, or concept, of really, really beautiful women and girls, or them being sexy. I think I lack that maturity. It may have a lot to do with my disability of autism, too. I guess I might talk to a counsellor or family member about this too. So I have to resolve some sexual issues to keep me from looking at pornography, maybe.

    I am unsure what to do about blocking sites that aren't really pornography sites, but I only ever go to to look at sexual pictures. I guess I could always block them in a different section marked "sexually alluring content" and remember to keep it separate later. I am also unsure what to do about sites that have normal, healthy uses, but I might see an attractive woman on it with skin, and want to jerk off. For example, I think I have seen that on a news site.

    I think maybe the next time I should remember that it'll be okay if I did something, almost anything, else. For example chores, paper work, or even listen to music and play video games. I think I need to force myself to have more fun, such as to play video games, because I am so cruel or mean to myself all the time. So, maybe I can remember to give myself permission to do something I like whenever the temptation of porn comes up. Ideally I'd work on my life goals, so maybe I can keep that in mind.

    Probably I could use more filtering and accountability. I'd also like more enthusiasm for living a life out of porn. I feel like that can never happen, which is probably part of what's discouraging me. I should be working on my life plan, either making the goals list again, or doing one of them. Maybe I should take a break every time porn comes up, play a video game or something, and then not go back on the internet until I do something that helps my life plan. Or something. Or come here and read people's posts or post myself! That one seems to work pretty well.

    Also, another idea might be to just turn my computer off once I start going to a site that I know is such a bad idea.

    Filtering

    I have installed filtering software and port blocking software on my filter computer. For some reason I really didn't want to do it, and I was acting like it would be so extremely hard and take weeks of work. I guess that's my addicted brain on its porn drug. Anyway installing those things worked fine. I read another post where a man said that his willingness to do work on filtering shut down, but his technical mind got up and ready when he wanted to get around the filter, and he wished it was the other way around. I feel you man, I think I'm in the same position. (I wish I'd liked the post or something so I could find it and link to it here. Edit: I found it here. It's from @occams_razor.) Anyway I think I'll go and work on my filter computer more tonight.

    I am dreading blocking too much and being hard on myself for no reason. Maybe the filter computer isn't such a great idea and I should just put hosts and Firefox blocking on every other computer I have in the house. Maybe I should start small and work it up incrementally. But I know in 2-3 months I am going to be starving for the remotest thing like a shape or of skin, and I'd better have an extremely good porn and nudity blocker in place on my network, and in my house, and no easy way to get around it. I guess I can keep working on the dead-man's-switch computer idea.

    Final section

    I added four of you guys' journals to my bookmarks, and I guess I should look at more. It's worth it to remind me that I actually have this problem going on and to take steps to solve it. So thanks for your support.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019

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