I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by quitprofoo, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Well I've messed it up now. I slowly started relapsing a few days ago, with masturbation to fantasy, and looking up girls in swimsuits and other non-porn sexy material. Eventually I got into softcore porn and then hardcore porn and I am relapsed as of today.

    I saw it coming, but I wish I had a better plan. I think I need to get out more, have my apartment more organised with a TV and more things to do in here, have more than one computer, and have Internet porn filtering on my computers. Also if I had more friends, had a job, visited my family more. I missed out on my chance to join a baseball league, darn it. It may also help if I tell my closest friends (or family?) about my struggle with internet porn and then maybe I could get some accountability and some good tips on how to recover.

    I didn't think this rebooting method was going to last. It seemed pretty easy for a while, but I knew somewhere that my chances were most likely just as bad as usual. Actually, I still think my old motivation was pretty good (talking to a young woman I know, and also her whole family is probably against porn) and it may help me be sober for another couple of weeks. Every little bit helps.

    I watched a video on YBOP about a rebooter who stayed porn-free for 250 days after reading Marnia Robinson's book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow today. He says that after he read that book he was able to stay fap-free for 250 days because of the explanations of emotional intimacy and neuropsychology in the book. I was hoping the young woman's family would help keep me pure in much the same way. I should probably buy that book, and Gary Wilson's Your Brain On Porn book. I'm, after all, desperate, or at least I should be.

    Done for now.
     
  2. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I'm still not doing anything to quit internet porn (except think about it a bit and try to come up with ideas). I have noticed something new happening though. Lately, when I've been viewing porn, I've often been realising how stupid what's going on on screen is, like fake acting for example, and I use that as an excuse for closing the window and stopping viewing porn for the moment. And I do! I also often find porn I don't believe in (which is easy, I don't believe in any porn) and I used that as an excuse for closing my porn viewing window and I do! I wonder if it's starting to get through to me that porn has no point for me, or maybe this will help me out when I'm sober.

    In the mean time I'm still trying for the goal of making myself a "Rat Park" so I don't look at porn. (Although I will probably still need internet filtering.) This means I'm trying to make a better life for myself. I'm also talking to a girl I like who lives in my building, firstly because I just like talking to her but maybe a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship could be healing for me. YBOP recommends some sex play as an aide to rewiring from internet porn to real women, also it recommends cuddle buddies, which might happen for me with her.

    In the mean time I should probably clean my apartment more and set up at least some internet filtering. I'm probably going to set up my hosts file block list again. Ok I set it up with the most common porn sites I have been going to recently. And I guess I'm going to clean my apartment a bit now.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  3. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    A couple things have happened recently. One, I went without porn for about a week with no effort. I'm not sure how this happened.

    Another thing happened though. Recently, I have been getting turned off by porn, either by noticing how dumb it was (no, your sister is not going to want to watch you have sex) or that it was something I don't believe in (such as sexually exploiting young women). And then I would close the porn and go off and do something else. It's not much but it's been helping me not view porn lately.

    That said I haven't been doing that well lately. I know this isn't the topic of the board, the topic is rebooting, but I cannot make a rebooting attempt until the rest of my life is fine and I have gotten therapy and I have a lot of filtering on my computers set up so that it would take me hours (days?) to turn off. So yeah, I guess I have to seek out therapy. In the mean time, not being in emotional pain would help. I think I need more books, video games, a television and good food in order to not be in emotional pain a lot, and also better relationships with friends and family would help. I guess I'm not doing too well and should get some help if I can. Yeah, I think I'm on the right track with the idea of getting therapy and improving my life.

    On the plus side I cut off my relationship with my mother, who is abusive, and also my step-father, who is also abusive. I just need more non-abusive people in my life.

    Thanks.
     
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Did you manage to find a good therapist?
     
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Well done, respect to you, as that is not easy to do, but I’m sure it will help you grow and explore who you are more, and not through the eyes of your parents.

    I hope you will find the strength and courage to recover a relationship with them in the future (if you should wish) but make sure it is purely on your terms.
     
  6. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Thanks for asking. No. I've been to one counsellor, looked up some and made and cancelled an appointment with my GP about counselling. I still think I need counselling for anger issues so I still plan to go.

    I have a new plan for quitting internet porn. (Plan #34. Or maybe higher.)

    The new plan is based on a TED talk about addiction where it was explained that a person's environment drove them to addiction, not the drug. This is the same as the "Rat Park" experiment that https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rel...tion-and-environmental-factors-an-essay-2007/ links to. In "Rat Park" the idea that the drug caused the addiction was questioned. The old experiment of drug addictiveness on rats was the one rat in a small cage with clean water and drugged water. They always took the drugged water. But in Rat Park the rats were given a large area, with plenty of other rats to fight and play with and rats of the opposite sex to have sex with. These rats had a happy life and never drank the drugged water. Even when only drugged water was available, the rats went back to clean water after it was returned. My new plan on addiction is also based on my thought a few months (years?) earlier where I said I needed to avoid emotional pain in order to quit internet porn.

    The plan is also based on ideas such as "if you were your life manager, would you fire you?" and "practice self-care" and "exercise self-compassion" and "treat yourself like you're someone you're responsible for caring for". I think I turn out to be a kind but just man and I will support myself but not allow myself to be lazy or to do something wrong.

    Well, here is how I am going to try to avoid both emotional pain and being trapped in a cage with nothing but an infinite supply of my drug of choice (internet porn). It comes in two halves, both rather obvious. I am going to try to make it so that I can go outside, pretty much whenever and wherever (that's public) that I want to, and enjoy myself. This is to make sure that I am never trapped (or feel trapped) in my home at my computer with internet access. This is probably the most critical part, the more important part. The second half is to make my home a place of enjoyment and healing also. Can you believe I have lived here for 10 months and I didn't get a TV? I plan to make sure my home is a healthy and healing environment by getting a normal amount of furniture, getting enough books and video games and other media, getting a half-decent computer, and getting another streaming movies site. I have a lot of difficulty going out and getting things so I am missing quite a lot of furniture still. I think that if I do both things, most importantly the first one, I will be able to start to deal with the emotional pain I have. (I have already gotten the TV and I have a video game system for it.)

    In order to make myself more confident in going outside I plan to work on my appearance, buy new clothes, go out more often and just deal with what happens, walk more places so I have more time kind of interacting with people, find some open and wild areas to go to and find more places to hang out. I have already tried visiting two technology-related groups or meetings and I think one suits me. I also joined MeetUp.com and I think I can attend at least one more club in this fashion. I also went to church recently (ironically a religious porn addict) and I think that helped extremely with my social anxiety and social feedback. I plan to go there more regularly, every 1 or 2 weeks. I have also gone over to a brother's house twice and I think it's starting to be regular now and I'm trying to figure out ways to go to one other's, and I plan on inviting my brothers to my apartment, too. Between the library, tech groups, church and family I should have all the social feedbacks that anyone would need to have. And plus I plan to just go out for walks, and maybe later, just for the heck of it.

    I've already listed the ways in which I need to improve my home, but suffice it to say it is still a place of pain because I haven't bought much furniture and I have little here that makes me happy. A lot of my stuff is still on the floor in boxes. I need a little more in the way of video games and some art works to put on the wall and a newer computer (and of course the furniture). I also think that some video games and chess will help with the rewiring of my brain because they will force critical thinking and the reconnection of the frontal lobes (if they're challenging enough). (Your Brain On Porn even suggests "brain training" games, which I'd like to get too.)

    I believe that after I feel free to go and move about in society, or even encouraged to do so, and my apartment is organised and makes me happy, that will eliminate 90% of my problems quitting internet porn. I have no plans to get a girlfriend or to have sex in this (not that I could even if I wanted to) or to practice talking to women except on the occasion that it comes up normally. Basically, my old plan was to quit internet porn first (hence the nickname) and the rest of my life would follow. Now my plan is to fix everything else and then attempt to quit internet porn. But then I will find out the next thing blocking me, and I think I'll be able to solve that too.

    Yes, quitting talking to my parents is unfortunately a great help in avoiding emotional pain for me. Thanks for your support TheScriabin. I think I will eventually be able to make new relationships. Thanks for reading anyone.

    Edit: I have also viewed some of Tyler Perry's Dirty Little Secret videos from YouTube. They're excellent, and it looks like in order to get cured of internet porn I'm going to have to tell everyone that I'm looking at it, or have looked at it. I'm not looking forward to that part, but it's fair play for me looking at people naked anonymously.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018

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