I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by quitprofoo, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Well I've messed it up now. I slowly started relapsing a few days ago, with masturbation to fantasy, and looking up girls in swimsuits and other non-porn sexy material. Eventually I got into softcore porn and then hardcore porn and I am relapsed as of today.

    I saw it coming, but I wish I had a better plan. I think I need to get out more, have my apartment more organised with a TV and more things to do in here, have more than one computer, and have Internet porn filtering on my computers. Also if I had more friends, had a job, visited my family more. I missed out on my chance to join a baseball league, darn it. It may also help if I tell my closest friends (or family?) about my struggle with internet porn and then maybe I could get some accountability and some good tips on how to recover.

    I didn't think this rebooting method was going to last. It seemed pretty easy for a while, but I knew somewhere that my chances were most likely just as bad as usual. Actually, I still think my old motivation was pretty good (talking to a young woman I know, and also her whole family is probably against porn) and it may help me be sober for another couple of weeks. Every little bit helps.

    I watched a video on YBOP about a rebooter who stayed porn-free for 250 days after reading Marnia Robinson's book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow today. He says that after he read that book he was able to stay fap-free for 250 days because of the explanations of emotional intimacy and neuropsychology in the book. I was hoping the young woman's family would help keep me pure in much the same way. I should probably buy that book, and Gary Wilson's Your Brain On Porn book. I'm, after all, desperate, or at least I should be.

    Done for now.
     
  2. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I'm still not doing anything to quit internet porn (except think about it a bit and try to come up with ideas). I have noticed something new happening though. Lately, when I've been viewing porn, I've often been realising how stupid what's going on on screen is, like fake acting for example, and I use that as an excuse for closing the window and stopping viewing porn for the moment. And I do! I also often find porn I don't believe in (which is easy, I don't believe in any porn) and I used that as an excuse for closing my porn viewing window and I do! I wonder if it's starting to get through to me that porn has no point for me, or maybe this will help me out when I'm sober.

    In the mean time I'm still trying for the goal of making myself a "Rat Park" so I don't look at porn. (Although I will probably still need internet filtering.) This means I'm trying to make a better life for myself. I'm also talking to a girl I like who lives in my building, firstly because I just like talking to her but maybe a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship could be healing for me. YBOP recommends some sex play as an aide to rewiring from internet porn to real women, also it recommends cuddle buddies, which might happen for me with her.

    In the mean time I should probably clean my apartment more and set up at least some internet filtering. I'm probably going to set up my hosts file block list again. Ok I set it up with the most common porn sites I have been going to recently. And I guess I'm going to clean my apartment a bit now.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  3. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    A couple things have happened recently. One, I went without porn for about a week with no effort. I'm not sure how this happened.

    Another thing happened though. Recently, I have been getting turned off by porn, either by noticing how dumb it was (no, your sister is not going to want to watch you have sex) or that it was something I don't believe in (such as sexually exploiting young women). And then I would close the porn and go off and do something else. It's not much but it's been helping me not view porn lately.

    That said I haven't been doing that well lately. I know this isn't the topic of the board, the topic is rebooting, but I cannot make a rebooting attempt until the rest of my life is fine and I have gotten therapy and I have a lot of filtering on my computers set up so that it would take me hours (days?) to turn off. So yeah, I guess I have to seek out therapy. In the mean time, not being in emotional pain would help. I think I need more books, video games, a television and good food in order to not be in emotional pain a lot, and also better relationships with friends and family would help. I guess I'm not doing too well and should get some help if I can. Yeah, I think I'm on the right track with the idea of getting therapy and improving my life.

    On the plus side I cut off my relationship with my mother, who is abusive, and also my step-father, who is also abusive. I just need more non-abusive people in my life.

    Thanks.
     
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Did you manage to find a good therapist?
     
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Well done, respect to you, as that is not easy to do, but I’m sure it will help you grow and explore who you are more, and not through the eyes of your parents.

    I hope you will find the strength and courage to recover a relationship with them in the future (if you should wish) but make sure it is purely on your terms.
     
  6. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Thanks for asking. No. I've been to one counsellor, looked up some and made and cancelled an appointment with my GP about counselling. I still think I need counselling for anger issues so I still plan to go.

    I have a new plan for quitting internet porn. (Plan #34. Or maybe higher.)

    The new plan is based on a TED talk about addiction where it was explained that a person's environment drove them to addiction, not the drug. This is the same as the "Rat Park" experiment that https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rel...tion-and-environmental-factors-an-essay-2007/ links to. In "Rat Park" the idea that the drug caused the addiction was questioned. The old experiment of drug addictiveness on rats was the one rat in a small cage with clean water and drugged water. They always took the drugged water. But in Rat Park the rats were given a large area, with plenty of other rats to fight and play with and rats of the opposite sex to have sex with. These rats had a happy life and never drank the drugged water. Even when only drugged water was available, the rats went back to clean water after it was returned. My new plan on addiction is also based on my thought a few months (years?) earlier where I said I needed to avoid emotional pain in order to quit internet porn.

    The plan is also based on ideas such as "if you were your life manager, would you fire you?" and "practice self-care" and "exercise self-compassion" and "treat yourself like you're someone you're responsible for caring for". I think I turn out to be a kind but just man and I will support myself but not allow myself to be lazy or to do something wrong.

    Well, here is how I am going to try to avoid both emotional pain and being trapped in a cage with nothing but an infinite supply of my drug of choice (internet porn). It comes in two halves, both rather obvious. I am going to try to make it so that I can go outside, pretty much whenever and wherever (that's public) that I want to, and enjoy myself. This is to make sure that I am never trapped (or feel trapped) in my home at my computer with internet access. This is probably the most critical part, the more important part. The second half is to make my home a place of enjoyment and healing also. Can you believe I have lived here for 10 months and I didn't get a TV? I plan to make sure my home is a healthy and healing environment by getting a normal amount of furniture, getting enough books and video games and other media, getting a half-decent computer, and getting another streaming movies site. I have a lot of difficulty going out and getting things so I am missing quite a lot of furniture still. I think that if I do both things, most importantly the first one, I will be able to start to deal with the emotional pain I have. (I have already gotten the TV and I have a video game system for it.)

    In order to make myself more confident in going outside I plan to work on my appearance, buy new clothes, go out more often and just deal with what happens, walk more places so I have more time kind of interacting with people, find some open and wild areas to go to and find more places to hang out. I have already tried visiting two technology-related groups or meetings and I think one suits me. I also joined MeetUp.com and I think I can attend at least one more club in this fashion. I also went to church recently (ironically a religious porn addict) and I think that helped extremely with my social anxiety and social feedback. I plan to go there more regularly, every 1 or 2 weeks. I have also gone over to a brother's house twice and I think it's starting to be regular now and I'm trying to figure out ways to go to one other's, and I plan on inviting my brothers to my apartment, too. Between the library, tech groups, church and family I should have all the social feedbacks that anyone would need to have. And plus I plan to just go out for walks, and maybe later, just for the heck of it.

    I've already listed the ways in which I need to improve my home, but suffice it to say it is still a place of pain because I haven't bought much furniture and I have little here that makes me happy. A lot of my stuff is still on the floor in boxes. I need a little more in the way of video games and some art works to put on the wall and a newer computer (and of course the furniture). I also think that some video games and chess will help with the rewiring of my brain because they will force critical thinking and the reconnection of the frontal lobes (if they're challenging enough). (Your Brain On Porn even suggests "brain training" games, which I'd like to get too.)

    I believe that after I feel free to go and move about in society, or even encouraged to do so, and my apartment is organised and makes me happy, that will eliminate 90% of my problems quitting internet porn. I have no plans to get a girlfriend or to have sex in this (not that I could even if I wanted to) or to practice talking to women except on the occasion that it comes up normally. Basically, my old plan was to quit internet porn first (hence the nickname) and the rest of my life would follow. Now my plan is to fix everything else and then attempt to quit internet porn. But then I will find out the next thing blocking me, and I think I'll be able to solve that too.

    Yes, quitting talking to my parents is unfortunately a great help in avoiding emotional pain for me. Thanks for your support TheScriabin. I think I will eventually be able to make new relationships. Thanks for reading anyone.

    Edit: I have also viewed some of Tyler Perry's Dirty Little Secret videos from YouTube. They're excellent, and it looks like in order to get cured of internet porn I'm going to have to tell everyone that I'm looking at it, or have looked at it. I'm not looking forward to that part, but it's fair play for me looking at people naked anonymously.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
  7. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Update

    I have still been P M and Oing. I'm not even really trying to stop myself. I do a little, though, stop myself.

    Continuing of plan

    I am still working on my plan of quitting internet porn by first removing sources of emotional pain. I am cleaning and organising my apartment to improve my pleasure and my mood.

    I think I should read/watch addiction quitting material on the Web every day, especially in the morning. I have stopped meditation or practicing mindfulness a long time ago, but I do spend a lot of time walking back and forth (stimming for autistics) or just sitting without being on the internet or on the computer. This helps me not get too stressed out or waste too much time on the internet. I don't have a job but I do keep up on chores and personal care. I think I'm doing a lot better than I was for considering how many problems I have.

    I have also listened to talks with addictions doctor Dr. Gabor Mate (try his audio file with Russel Brand (podcast)) and read a lot of NoFap, which is still good. It looks like for most of them too they need an alternative life to being home a lot with porn so accessible. I'm still praying, or trying to every day, for help or to refrain from porn, unrealistic sexual fantasies and masturbation. I think God is answering by giving me intuitions about what I should do next, like reading NoFap quitting material on the web.

    I plan to call my family doctor to ask for counselling for my guilt and porn addiction.

    Okay, that's everything for now.
     
  8. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I have been somewhat succeeding with my goal of getting out more. I have been talking to my building superintendent, went to church again recently, and I'm talking to my brothers more often. I also arranged my living room a little better so it would be easier for me to play video games. Yeah, I guess these are all small things... Maybe I am re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic after all.

    I'm still PMOing around 1-2 times a day, so I'm not getting better at porn at all.

    I also watched a very good video called Growing Up in a Pornified Culture | Gail Dines | TEDxNavesink, from the same kind of talk (TEDx) that Gary Wilson did once, which is his intro into internet porn ("inspired by the last talker I'm going to have a little song about internet porn"). Warning, video contains triggers!

    I am trying to work up the nerve to phone my family doctor about my distress and maybe getting counselling. I am nervous because I don't know her too well, and we mentally ill people are often stigmatised and mistreated. I also remember what Terry Crews said in his Dirty Little Secret videos, that keeping your use or interest in porn a secret keeps giving it power, and that you have to tell people. I used to be soooooo ashamed and embarrassed about my consumption of internet porn (and maybe I should be), but I am less worried about it now. I plan to tell some of my friends on the internet and some of my family. Probably around half of them know anyway, which is shameful and embarrassing, but oh well, I guess I'll have to let them know that I'm not God after all (tongue in cheek). But I haven't done it yet, but if I do, I will probably let you know how it goes.

    After I get my mental health disorders helped, and after I get my house sorted out so it's comfortable and fun, and after I have enough people to talk to and can go out whenever I want, and after I've told a handful of people in my life that I keep looking at porn and that I'd like to stop, and maybe after a few other good habits or helpers in my life, then I think I can be accountable enough to put filtering on my computer(s), probably DansGuardian and an extensive /etc/hosts file blocklist. But I really think I need 10 or 40 other things to do with myself and my time in order to prevent the obvious opportunities for porn use. I need a healthy life and opportunities for entertainment and useful work to give myself something to do other than look up internet porn before I can reasonably expect to put filtering on my computer(s) and have it work, I think.

    As for the unrealistic and probably immoral sexual fantasies, which I have but it looks like only a few others here do, I think that might be helped if I get counselling and solve some of my emotional issues, and find more helpful and supportive people to talk to. I think there is no way for me to quit porn while I am still using fantasies that porn (though possibly not visual porn) gave me. I've had sexual fantasies since I was a small child, which I think might be a sign that I was abused, and so I have to look into that and I think talk to a therapist about it. But I don't think I can quit internet porn without quitting unrealistic fantasies either. And the fantasies definitely violate what I would consider moral in real life. Not rape or murder, but just things that I can't have fantasies about if I believe in marriage and monogamy and sexual purity and no large age differences and a lot of other scruples like that.

    Done for now.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  9. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Well, I've been clean for at least a day, maybe two, which is a long time for me recently. I guess it might be because I am hoping or planning to go to church this Sunday, and how would I feel if I had consumed porn 1-3 days before going there for the first time?

    As for my plan of getting out more to help with internet porn, I went to four places today and talked briefly with my building superintendent. Actually about half of the places I went too weren't too socially accepting. Oh yeah, about me fearing social rejection so much, I feel like I look like a pervert or maybe even a pedophile whenever I go outside, and I think I get socially rejected or people rude to me or rebuking me a lot. One other guy on this forum said he felt similarly about looking like a pervert (although probably not a pedophile), he said "Can you say pervert?" in his post. This is mostly how I feel. I talked to another person in my building to help me with my social skills, a pretty young woman, but I highly doubt anything romantic will happen with that, which is okay with me. She didn't do anything rude or mean.

    Another thing that might help me quit is a sense of accomplishment. Your Brain On Porn says somewhere that there are only 5 natural dopamine rewards: food, sex, friendship, novelty and the reward of a job well done, that is, accomplishment. I don't get much a sense of accomplishment. Maybe it's mostly because I'm not employed, or maybe it's because I've been depressed, or was depressed as a child, and for some reason normal accomplishment doesn't give me a dopamine feedback. But over the last week or two I have had two days where I walked around to different places and did all kinds of stuff that day. I guess I worked at least half of normal 9-5 working hours. Then, and only then, did I really get a real dopamine reward for a job well done. I guess I only got the dopamine surge because I thought it was hard to do. I had a moderate dopamine high for hours after I did all those things on those days.

    I think that I can quit if I have friends to help me put blocking or filtering on all my devices and computers, or even on my "router" or modem, but also if they help me get help with my anxiety and depression, and to cope with life and alternative activities that have a good dopamine payoff. That's all I can think of for now. I'm going to try going to church to see if that helps me quit porn, through getting me a community and positive things to do, and probably also get counselling. Oh, I made an appointment with my family doctor about mental health, so maybe I can start to try to get counselling then. It's next week sometime.
     
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I can relate to what you wrote about feeling a pervert. I felt like that for such a long time. It was so bad that when walking on the street seeing a woman walking I always crossed to the other side to show I did not nean harm. Quite bad case I guess.

    It is only after reading 'no more mister nice guy' thay I was able to understand where this feeling came from ( a dominant single mother who kept expressing how bad men are). It tool me years, but I have largely overcome this feeling.

    I can really recommend this book. Let me know if you want me to email you the PDF. Great that your going to councelling btw!
     
  11. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Man, thanks for your comment. I still feel like I look like a pervert, more or less, when I go outside. Who knows if I do or not, or if I should care what other people think.

    I have been free of porn for about 4 days now. I guess going to church and planning to see my family doctor have helped a lot with perspective and motivation to keep away from it. I haven't even gone to any site for porn.

    I find your mention of the No More Mr. Nice Guy book to be very interesting. I think I definitely suffer from Nice Guy-ism or have the Nice Guy Syndrome, however you want to put it. I didn't know what this had to do with porn, though I suspected it did. I think I might have crossed the street a few times to not make women feel uncomfortable to do with me. I guess that is pretty bad. As it is I avoid almost everybody, especially under 18s and women. I'll message you about the book. I also had a single mother (you are the third guy around here who hasn't had a good relationship with his father, and also myself) who married when I was a child.

    I'm not in counselling yet, but my doctor's appointment is tomorrow (in about 11 hours). I am definitely going to talk about mental health with her, but I am unsure if I will bring up counselling. I was going to talk about my current state in mental health, and with getting a psychiatrist, and maybe go back to her 1-2 more times and then go to counselling. However, seeing her is a little bit of counselling by itself. I feel good that going to see her will help my mental health a lot, and that getting out of mental distress and discomfort will help massively with quitting internet porn.

    In other news, I went to church Sunday (two days ago). I have gone to church many times in my life, including 3 times recently at a church near where I live that a family member of mine goes too. I did not like that church or feel welcomed there. I found this new church over the internet. I found their denomination website and individual church website and I thought they had good values and the things they prayed for seemed to have people like me in mind.

    I have only been to this new church once but I found it extremely welcoming and I ended up talking to two of the three pastors. I think the influence of this new church is extremely likely to help me with perspective on porn, that is, keeping in mind that I see it as inappropriate. I already feel like the influence of the congregation is working on me in this and other ways. I think this is a major support as far as me quitting porn, keeping in mind that I think it's wrong and/or inappropriate. I think I need that to keep me on track in any quitting plan that I might have. I definitely plan to go to this church at least 2 or 3 more times, and who knows what the influence might be like by then. I might be well on my way to being healed from internet porn use.

    I may also be able to make friends with some of the others that go there, and get support in my life which may help me cope. I think difficulty coping is definitely one of the things making it difficult to turn down porn use. Maybe it's what Gary Wilson calls "dysfunctional stress circuits" on the Your Brain On Porn website. I only just thought of this now: That difficulty coping is making me retreat into porn consumption, much like difficulty coping might make an alcoholic or drug addict retreat into drug or alcohol use. It seems obvious now. Anyway these friends might help me cope with social interactions and managing my every day life. I may also be able to get counselling from one of the clergy there as far as my emotions or porn use goes. The Christian world needs to know about Gary Wilson's Your Brain On Porn website. Christians think porn is a sin. They don't understand that internet porn addiction is a technology problem.

    I guess I can post again after the doctor's appointment. I'll have to think about what is causing my difficulties coping, how to solve them, and what is causing my distress. I plan on talking about psychological-related issues with my family doctor tomorrow morning.
     
  12. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I went to my appointment with my family doctor. I got referred to a psychiatrist and suggestions for counsellors. We also talked about my medication. I brought up how I felt like crap all my life but she didn't directly respond, so I guess that was a dud. I plan to go back to the psychiatrist eventually, but I am unsure which counsellor I should pick. I felt better after the meeting, lighter somehow, I guess, but in retrospect not a lot got done.

    The sunlight outside cheered me up a lot and I got the idea of not spending so much time on the internet. I made a list of things to do to improve my mood, which is part of my current internet porn quitting plan. (1) improve my mood through healthy activities and 2) get enough alternative activities so i have enough to do without internet porn.) And now I'm too discouraged to go outside again where I might have to talk with others, although I did go grocery shopping recently.

    I did an MO to sexual fantasies and a PMO recently. I guess the idea of church keeping porn away from my head has worn off. I still plan to go back on Sunday though. I think it was really helpful the last time I was there and I plan to keep going. I think it helped sort me out a bit, instead of mess me up a little, which is what most things do. Also this church has a free counselling thing for regular attendees I might need and be able to use.

    I looked up the counselling place the doctor gave me and it seems good too. I don't know which one I'll pick, but I do plan to continue to go to church. I've also confessed to one person who knows me that I'm addicted to internet porn, but in an oblique way, as if every man who didn't get outside a lot and had internet access was addicted (which may be mostly true). Nothing bad happened and I'm glad I did it. He didn't say anything, it was like I was joking anyway.

    I've also worked on things I'd like to say to the girl with whom I'm in love, and worked on my Nice Guy-ism a bit, although I still haven't read that book.

    All that said my project of spending less time on the internet is failing a lot. I get so much done on here. Maybe I should start making to-do lists, and if I come up with a new thing to do I have to write it on the to-do list and still make myself take a break from the internet before I get to it. I think that might help a lot, or at least it would inform what tempts me on the internet and what I do on it. I think should start doing that soon. Or something like that. And I'll need to cut off the internet and do things on my computer offline. Maybe I should also avoid using my computer or phone in my bedroom, and use it in the office area or dining area instead.

    That's all the ideas I have for now. I'm going to keep trying what I thought of (my plan), and keep going to see what I learn.
     
  13. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I went to my appointment with my family doctor. I got referred to a psychiatrist and suggestions for counsellors. We also talked about my medication. I brought up how I felt like crap all my life but she didn't directly respond, so I guess that was a dud. I plan to go back to the psychiatrist eventually, but I am unsure which counsellor I should pick. I felt better after the meeting, lighter somehow, I guess, but in retrospect not a lot got done.

    The sunlight outside cheered me up a lot and I got the idea of not spending so much time on the internet. I made a list of things to do to improve my mood, which is part of my current internet porn quitting plan. (1) improve my mood through healthy activities and 2) get enough alternative activities so i have enough to do without internet porn.) And now I'm too discouraged to go outside again where I might have to talk with others, although I did go grocery shopping recently.

    I did an MO to sexual fantasies and a PMO recently. I guess the idea of church keeping porn away from my head has worn off. I still plan to go back on Sunday though. I think it was really helpful the last time I was there and I plan to keep going. I think it helped sort me out a bit, instead of mess me up a little, which is what most things do. Also this church has a free counselling thing for regular attendees I might need and be able to use.

    I looked up the counselling place the doctor gave me and it seems good too. I don't know which one I'll pick, but I do plan to continue to go to church. I've also confessed to one person who knows me that I'm addicted to internet porn, but in an oblique way, as if every man who didn't get outside a lot and had internet access was addicted (which may be mostly true). Nothing bad happened and I'm glad I did it. He didn't say anything, it was like I was joking anyway.

    I've also worked on things I'd like to say to the girl with whom I'm in love, and worked on my Nice Guy-ism a bit, although I still haven't read that book.

    All that said my project of spending less time on the internet is failing a lot. I get so much done on here. Maybe I should start making to-do lists, and if I come up with a new thing to do I have to write it on the to-do list and still make myself take a break from the internet before I get to it. I think that might help a lot, or at least it would inform what tempts me on the internet and what I do on it. I think should start doing that soon. Or something like that. And I'll need to cut off the internet and do things on my computer offline. Maybe I should also avoid using my computer or phone in my bedroom, and use it in the office area or dining area instead.

    That's all the ideas I have for now. I'm going to keep trying what I thought of (my plan), and keep going to see what I learn.
     
  14. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I went to my appointment with my family doctor. I got referred to a psychiatrist and suggestions for counsellors. We also talked about my medication. I brought up how I felt like crap all my life but she didn't directly respond, so I guess that was a dud. I plan to go back to the psychiatrist eventually, but I am unsure which counsellor I should pick. I felt better after the meeting, lighter somehow, I guess, but in retrospect not a lot got done.

    The sunlight outside cheered me up a lot and I got the idea of not spending so much time on the internet. I made a list of things to do to improve my mood, which is part of my current internet porn quitting plan. (1) improve my mood through healthy activities and 2) get enough alternative activities so i have enough to do without internet porn.) And now I'm too discouraged to go outside again where I might have to talk with others, although I did go grocery shopping recently.

    I did an MO to sexual fantasies and a PMO recently. I guess the idea of church keeping porn away from my head has worn off. I still plan to go back on Sunday though. I think it was really helpful the last time I was there and I plan to keep going. I think it helped sort me out a bit, instead of mess me up a little, which is what most things do. Also this church has a free counselling thing for regular attendees I might need and be able to use.

    I looked up the counselling place the doctor gave me and it seems good too. I don't know which one I'll pick, but I do plan to continue to go to church. I've also confessed to one person who knows me that I'm addicted to internet porn, but in an oblique way, as if every man who didn't get outside a lot and had internet access was addicted (which may be mostly true). Nothing bad happened and I'm glad I did it. He didn't say anything, it was like I was joking anyway.

    I've also worked on things I'd like to say to the girl with whom I'm in love, and worked on my Nice Guy-ism a bit, although I still haven't read that book.

    All that said my project of spending less time on the internet is failing a lot. I get so much done on here. Maybe I should start making to-do lists, and if I come up with a new thing to do I have to write it on the to-do list and still make myself take a break from the internet before I get to it. I think that might help a lot, or at least it would inform what tempts me on the internet and what I do on it. I think should start doing that soon. Or something like that. And I'll need to cut off the internet and do things on my computer offline. Maybe I should also avoid using my computer or phone in my bedroom, and use it in the office area or dining area instead.

    That's all the ideas I have for now. I'm going to keep trying what I thought of (my plan), and keep going to see what I learn.
     
  15. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I went to my appointment with my family doctor. I got referred to a psychiatrist and suggestions for counsellors. We also talked about my medication. I brought up how I felt like crap all my life but she didn't directly respond, so I guess that was a dud. I plan to go back to the psychiatrist eventually, but I am unsure which counsellor I should pick. I felt better after the meeting, lighter somehow, I guess, but in retrospect not a lot got done.

    The sunlight outside cheered me up a lot and I got the idea of not spending so much time on the internet. I made a list of things to do to improve my mood, which is part of my current internet porn quitting plan. (1) improve my mood through healthy activities and 2) get enough alternative activities so i have enough to do without internet porn.) And now I'm too discouraged to go outside again where I might have to talk with others, although I did go grocery shopping recently.

    I did an MO to sexual fantasies and a PMO recently. I guess the idea of church keeping porn away from my head has worn off. I still plan to go back on Sunday though. I think it was really helpful the last time I was there and I plan to keep going. I think it helped sort me out a bit, instead of mess me up a little, which is what most things do. Also this church has a free counselling thing for regular attendees I might need and be able to use.

    I looked up the counselling place the doctor gave me and it seems good too. I don't know which one I'll pick, but I do plan to continue to go to church. I've also confessed to one person who knows me that I'm addicted to internet porn, but in an oblique way, as if every man who didn't get outside a lot and had internet access was addicted (which may be mostly true). Nothing bad happened and I'm glad I did it. He didn't say anything, it was like I was joking anyway.

    I've also worked on things I'd like to say to the girl with whom I'm in love, and worked on my Nice Guy-ism a bit, although I still haven't read that book.

    All that said my project of spending less time on the internet is failing a lot. I get so much done on here. Maybe I should start making to-do lists, and if I come up with a new thing to do I have to write it on the to-do list and still make myself take a break from the internet before I get to it. I think that might help a lot, or at least it would inform what tempts me on the internet and what I do on it. I think should start doing that soon. Or something like that. And I'll need to cut off the internet and do things on my computer offline. Maybe I should also avoid using my computer or phone in my bedroom, and use it in the office area or dining area instead.

    That's all the ideas I have for now. I'm going to keep trying what I thought of (my plan), and keep going to see what I learn.
     
  16. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Hi.

    I prayed to not look at porn or have sexual fantasies again, and I think that's what's leading me to post here.

    I have mostly decided which therapy place to go to. I will need support though. I will need some help around the house (I already need help around the house. I need some support due to being autistic.) and it would really help if I got driven there and back. I am wondering if someone at church would be willing to do any of those things for me if they got to know me.

    I have gone to this church one time. It extremely helped with getting me over this woman I've been in love with for 14 years. Yeah, that's very sad, but I couldn't get over her. I tried many times but I couldn't stop thinking about her. Well, I've gotten a lot better with the idea of thinking of her. I am thinking that there is no chance of getting married to her and living happily ever after, and I wouldn't want to now even if I could. She is not anything enough like me, and actually, I think she's a jerk [edit: a little bit]. So my stress and emotional discomfort level is lower already. I am hoping further church attendance will help me get over her completely.

    This is the same girl I tried thinking of to help me get motivation to quit internet porn several years ago now. That worked out poorly. Thinking of her as some kind of positive outcome more or less required me to think about sex, at least a little bit, which made me think more of sex, and then of porn. I remember my situation at the time. I was living in a motel, without any helpful medication, anxious, highly stressed, lonely, maybe a little dirty, often hungry, in too small an apartment for myself and often times feeling like I was doing something wrong if I went outside, so I was almost a prisoner in a small studio apartment. It's no wonder I kept going back to porn. I'd have been going to it even if I had never looked at it and wasn't addicted to it. I was in a bad state. The situation was very problematic.

    I have learned a little bit of a lesson from that, and that is, it would be okay to solve your real world problems before quitting porn. I used to think porn was the cause of all my problems, because it was so immoral that it was giving me really bad karma, or because it had ruined my pre-frontal lobes functionality like Gary Wilson says. I think it does that last thing. I still have no idea how to quit, but living in an highly stressful environment in order to punish myself for not quitting is a really terrible idea and doesn't help me quit at all. I should have not thought about porn addiction and just tried to get a good apartment and source of income like a normal person did. I guess I thought I was getting bad consequences that I had caused.

    So now my plan is to cure the emotional pain in my life before I try to quit porn. I am going to try to get all my needs met and every normal want met, and also to get mental health help like counselling. Here are the ingredients again that I think I need to recover from Internet porn. The important parts are in the parentheses.
    • Reasonably sourced and sufficient source of income (disability income, I have this)
    • Sufficiently large and safe apartment (I have this)
    • Quiet and peaceful neighbours (I have this)
    • My books (I have many, but I need more)
    • A television (I have this)
    • A DVD player and a VCR (I don't have these)
    • A video game console or two (I have two)
    • Regular and sufficient sleep (I seem to be sleeping fine.) (YBOP goes on at length about how lack of sleep is terrible for you for porn)
    • Clean and organised apartment (Mostly)
    • All the cooking and food utensils I need (I have this, but I want one more pot)
    • Regular visits with family (I have a little of this)
    • Church (It is not so easy to do this, but I seem to be well on my way to having a church)
    • A family doctor, a dentist, a psychiatrist, a pharmacist and a therapist or a counsellor
    • Some kind of in-home help to help me keep up because I am autistic and I need a little support
    • Eating normally (I don't eat that balanced and I am sometimes going hungry still, I need some help in going to the grocery store)
    • 1-3 offline computers for me to watch videos, play games, learn tech, practice programming, read books or anything else on (I need to repair two computers in order to do this)
    • An on-line computer (I have this, although it's somewhat old.)
    • High speed internet access to talk to friends, to post here, to read up on emotional problems and get back my self esteem, to read up on autism, technology and other things
    • A plan for restricting my Internet use
    • The ability to interact with my neighbours and to go outside whenever I want
    That is all I can think of for now. It took me 10 months for me to buy a television after I moved into my apartment. I have such terrible self-esteem. I think of all the things on the above list the ability to interact with my neighbours and to go outside whenever I want is the hardest for me to get, but I don't know why. Autism and sickness and other people being mean I guess. Recently I made a list of things that raise my mood, and being outside in the sun was (metaphorically) high on the list. I have yet to be outside in the sun since then. It is not so easy to go outside for me, and really pleasant days aren't every day. I guess I'll have to watch each day like a hawk to see it contains a good day and to go outside into the sun when it does. I guess that I will have to stop thinking about the internet, basically ditch it, and live life one day at a time, postponing the idea of quitting internet porn all at once in one 3-6 month effort. I don't know if I can do that, but I guess I probably should.

    I agree that I should restrict my Internet use both for my mental health and in order to quit internet porn. It is not so easy to limit my internet use. I do almost everything on the internet. I get my information, education, entertainment and social feedback from that. (I talk to many people on IRC now. I didn't when I first started this journal, like, at all.) On top of that, this computer is the only one I have going, and it's on-line all the time, so the internet is a click away even if I don't want to use it at the moment. I suppose I could unplug my gateway or modem but I never seem to be motivated enough to do that, plus I don't want to be disconnected from my friends and channels on IRC, or have my legal torrents interrupted. (If I wasn't already addicted to internet porn, I think I should probably consider myself addicted to the internet in general, such as the WWW and IRC I guess.)

    I did take some action. I closed one IRC channel and a program that was just wasting bandwidth.

    I haven't gotten much progress since then though. I need to make a list of things to do on the internet before I get on it, and then get off. I don't know what I'll do the other 90% of the day though. Maybe I'll need a job (that doesn't involve computers) or school or volunteer work.

    I have found that browsing https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes, a pro-women group, has replaced my impulse for porn several times. I'd rather look at these women's memes than porn actually.

    I have been doing some government paperwork which has stressed me a bit.

    Okay thanks for reading this far. My life is regularly improving a lot, so don't be pessimistic if you read my journal. I think it's obvious that a case of distress like the one I'm in can't recover from internet porn. I have to get help to get out of emotional pain first.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2019
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  17. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    This post is about my environment. This is in case you are reading my log and you think that I am not taking concrete action to help me quit porn. :)

    Explanation of what's going on

    I have posted about my environment many times on this log for a while. It was originally in response to a post by Speedy or another user who told me it looked like my environment was a problem for me. I can't find that post right now.

    They were right, my environment was terrible. I was living alone in a small apartment with unlimited internet access, no job and too much anxiety to go outside whenever I want. The building I was living in was a really bad environment and I didn't have access to my own kitchen. I was also in a lot of emotional pain and having difficulty coping. With so many problems it was no wonder I couldn't resist keeping going back to Internet porn. It's amazing my willpower let me do as well as I did.

    Improvements I have made since then

    It's been several years but I have made many improvements since then. I know I have covered a lot of this already lately.
    • Moved to an apartment with more space for myself, in much better repair, in a much better building, with a much better environment, with healthier and better neighbours, caretakers and landlords, and a moderate kitchen to myself
    • Been to hospital for 5 months to try to deal with my depression and anxiety, which was only partially successful, tried a couple more dosages of medications, one of which I am still on, which is extremely helpful
    • Not talking to either of my parents with emotional problems and problems with abusiveness and manipulation, moved to a much better and healthier city and area of my country
    • I am a lot closer to other members of my family I can talk to
    It is extremely helpful to be on this medication. When I am off it for 2-3 days I become an anxious, nervous wreck very quickly. When I go back on it I become calm and healthier very quickly. It's Zyprexa in case anyone wants to know. I guess something has damaged my brain in the past, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, and I can not really cope without medication anymore. This is unfortunate. My nerves get so bad when I'm off this medication I think it's amazing how well I managed to do at all without being on medication. Another medication I was on didn't help at all though, and may have given me ED if I didn't already have it from porn, maybe permanently.

    In my apartment I also have:
    • Areas for a dining room, office, living room, and bedroom
    • All the kitchen utensils, pots, forks, etc, that I need, so I can practice cooking and treat myself to pleasing meals
    • Intermediate kitchen table, chairs, a craft table, two shelves, a dresser
    • Microwave oven and toaster
    • My notebook computer, a printer, a television, three video game systems
    • Books, CDs, DVDs and movies for me to read, listen to or watch
    • A lot of stuff I don't need and paperwork, enough clothes for me to wear
    • All the supplies I need like towels and cleaning supplies
    • My own Netflix account
    I am also trying to change my environment by going to a technology group, going to church, and trying to talk to 3 members of my family regularly. I am regularly talking to my half-brother, with whom I get along pretty well. We live quite near each other and recently I have been going over to his house or he has been coming over to mine, about once a week. Having my own apartment is very helpful with this.

    So, I have listened to the admonishment that I needed to change my environment. It took me approximately 5 years but I did it. Even now I don't think it's enough

    Future things to do to help with my environment
    • Get a free-to-air antenna like the other user mentioned, a VCR and a DVD player
    • Get kitchen table, desks, TV stand, shelves for TV and movies, futon or couch, bed, replacement dresser and a last shelf
    • Get a second streaming service
    • Get a desktop computer to help give me more to do without wasting time on the internet
    • Talk to two other members of my family more regularly
    • Get psychiatric help, therapy and maybe more prescription medications
    • Keep working on being aspie and getting along better with others and getting out more, work on my appearance so I look less like a stranger
    I think if I get all that help, and put filtering on all my computers, and feel free to come and go outside whenever I want to, then I have the possibility of quitting porn. I am thinking I am going to tell my half-brother that I am trying to quit Internet porn and show him this log.

    In conclusion

    I have extremely improved my life! I used to be mentally ill, anxious, living in a motel room, masturbating to porn in it, unmedicated and untreated as far as mental illness, having only mean and abusive people in my life, having no real space to call my own, no books, CDs or video games, no friends or family that wasn't manipulative to talk to. I was worse off than about 99% of the people in the country I guess. It took an extremely long time and a lot of effort, but I have extremely improved my life.

    Don't give up! If you are trying to quit internet porn you are trying to improve your life. Think about your situation and make practical plans to stay away from internet porn. You too can extremely improve your life! Take practical steps after thinking about them very carefully and go through with them.
     
  18. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    I installed some filtering about a week ago. It wasn't very effective but it helped a lot to try.

    I have been masturbating to porn on a pretty raunchy website lately so I finally came to my senses and decided to put my hosts file block list back. I found two blacklist files and added them on. Now, at least, I won't go to my favourite sites or really the same websites twice. My plan is to keep adding sites as I go to them. My other plan is to tell my brother about my addiction to porn and show him this log.

    My stress level is moderately high due to some government paperwork and that I am trying to go to school again soon, so that may be affecting my impulses to use porn more. At least, every time I turn down porn, I help my brain a little bit.

    I'm planning on having my brother over more for fantasy or role playing games. I have heard that these are both extremely good for healing your brain, which I think I need from both trauma and porn.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  19. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    My internet stopped working last week and I didn't try to get it working again. Going without the internet is really helping me not look at porn, and also for me to be more social and to get more done around the house. This entry is brief because I am using the internet from my brother's house and I don't have a lot of time. My internet came back on and I downloaded the YBOP videos, which I really needed to see again, and so I've been watching them offline at my house. My plan is to make another attempt at quitting internet porn by not getting my internet online again for a long time, and basically mastering life without having 24/7 internet access. I am also back to making a bit of a schedule and I've started meditating again. I guess it's a huge change for me to have my internet be broken and I have hope that I can quit internet porn finally (with accountability, counselling, therapy, a schedule, employment, meditation, friendly personal interactions, etc.) Thanks for your support.
     
    TheScriabin and TrueSelf like this.
  20. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Oh wow, two likes to my last post. My internet is repaired but I have been using will power to keep my modem unplugged, and so I haven't been on it most of the time. I think I should restrict myself to 1-2 days per week, and then not all day those days either. I partially keeping that now. When I am offline I make lists of things to do online, and then I do about half of them. I think I am actually more productive like this.

    I still have filtering installed in my hosts file and a Simple Filter installed in Firefox to catch the sites that the hosts file doesn't block. I am using this now. I don't know what to do when my willpower runs out and I want to reconnect my modem. I may have to ask my brother to keep my modem for me and come over once a week for me to get connected.

    I have let told a friend of mine online know I look at porn, but there was little to no reaction. I guess he thinks it's normal, which I suppose it is. Anyway he didn't seem too interested in helping me quit so I let go of the issue for now. I intend to show my brother, with whom I am on good terms, the 17:40 min. Your Brain on Porn presentation I downloaded a couple weeks ago. I am not sure if I will admit I am addicted to internet porn, or that I want to get better.

    I managed to avoid looking at porn yesterday so I've been free from porn for more or less 2-3 weeks now. I still think I'm on a high, but it's good, and I'm getting more done and being more social, etc.. I think the plan of building a new life, and doing all the other healthy things I've listed so many times on this blog, while restricting my internet or giving my modem to a friend or family, and getting counselling/therapy, will work for quitting internet porn for me. Maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel.
     
    SeekingWisdom likes this.

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