I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    It's been over a year since my last post.

    I've changed my environment by moving into a much better apartment for me, and I've seen a lot of mental health professionals and gotten on a significant amount of medication. The change in environment makes it 10x easier not to compulsively binge on porn due to feeling trapped or under assault. (Also the medication kills most of my sex drive.) I'm very, very glad about a poster who told me my environment was a problem. I think I've fixed it as much as possible (though I should get a TV for my apartment, and spend a little less time in front of a computer.) I also debated whether or not to get Internet access right away, but I needed it to talk to people so I got it within a few days.

    Fiddler, are you out there? I appreciate your support.

    I'm still addicted to Internet porn in my new apartment, but binges are much shorter. Instead of multiple hours spent searching and watching and binging, it's more like 15 or even 2 minutes. I sometimes view yourbrainonporn materials to help me quit, and I've found that the pornfree forum on another website is very good.

    I guess my idea for now is to just put up with these two minute 1-2 times a week porn sessions, and work on getting therapy or counselling as per the last post to my journal, and fix some things wrong with my brain before I attempt to quit porn again. (And also I will need to gather up strength or willpower again in order to attempt it, since I'm drained from my last 17-35 attempts to quit.) Perhaps I should have some kind of occupation before I attempt to quit porn again, so I spend less time in my home, at or near my computer.

    Thanks all,
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I think my last post was very rewarding to me. Right now I feel a lot of motivation to quit porn. It's like all of you are willing me to focus my eyes on something higher, further than porn addiction. I've also learned that it's keeping me from being smart (kills or bypasses the planning centre of the brain), and that makes me less attractive to the women I like. It also makes it so it's hard to find things to distract myself with when a porn craving comes, since I'm stupid and can't do more advanced things to set my mind on. Anyway I'm only posting because I'm craving porn (because a lot happened today) and I'm definitely in the habit of it lately, and I'm trying not to look up porn.

    I still need a better plan, though. I wish I could talk to my brother about this IRL, if he's into it. I also need more to do in my barren apartment. I'll have to buy a TV to play video games on. Thanks all for reading.
  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey quitprofoo, you can test this by casually bringing up the subject. Nowadays there are a lot of articles, people on reddit, etc. about porn addiction and it's effects, and NoFap as a way to cure that. Just ask him if he ever read about this and what he thinks of it. Depending on how close you are with him, you can ask what he thinks about it for himself and then you can say that you think the porn may have had an effect on you.

    Do you game a lot? Some guys have to forego videogames to get a good reboot going, because excessive gaming is linked to dopamine addiction which can result in a relapse. Just to give you a thought.

    Good luck man
  4. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    99% of this disease for me is the inability to face reality. To live in it. To accept it. To trudge through it.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I think I'll postpone talking to him about pornography so far. I'll just bring up the subject if he wants to talk about any depression or any problems at all really.

    No, but I wish I did. I view YouTube a lot, for informational/educational videos and music. I know the music gets the dopamine flowing, and I have given up trying to go without it. So maybe that's doing the same thing for me as gaming, and it'll be something else to overcome, but I don't know.

    About my rebooting attempt:

    They say in some other posts that you have to find your motivation to reboot. I may have found my motivation. Porn addiction short circuits your brain, bypassing the critical planning and executive functions part of your brain. In short, it takes away the most important part of your brain for being smart in life. I think my motivation is to go back to being smart. I am tired of not being able to think well like I used to. This is the strongest motivation for me yet. I tried using motivation like getting to have a girlfriend, or getting to have sex, but those were too unrealistic to my mind and I couldn't believe them and stay focused on them.

    All that said, I still need a plan. I should have blockers on my computer (they didn't work much before), although I do have them on my wireless gateway, but they don't seem to be working for my computer. I also need to know what to do when I get an urge. Right now I'm choosing to watch informational or music videos on YouTube as an alternative to viewing pornography, but I've only tested that for 1-2 days. I also need other things to do like read and play video games (which I've mentioned already).

    I guess I should get on getting books.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I'm still trying to quit. I haven't looked at porn since my first post in a year. (Perhaps I should reward myself for that.) But I'm tempted regularly, more than I was in the past. But I haven't given in.

    As for getting more books I talked about books with someone I know and found a book in my stored books that I haven't read yet. But I need more, and for that I'll probably have to go out.

    Listening to a lot of music on YouTube is helping me not look up Internet porn so far.

    As for motivation, how I think I can go back to being smart, I have forgotten about it and the temptations to look up porn are not so easily defeated anymore. I guess it's still better than it was though.

    I wonder what Day it is as far as not looking up Internet porn goes. Day 4 I guess.

    Yeah, I guess I'm proud of myself. :)
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 5 or so.

    I accidentally saw some porn today and yesterday. It was on a site where it was supposed to be marked not safe for work, but it wasn't. But it wasn't and now I'm all triggered. My plan is just to stick it out and distract myself if I can.

    That makes me think about what other things I can do around in my apartment (I don't have a job to fill up my time), and I want a piano. And a TV and more books. (I know I've said all that already.) I have a hard time arranging things like that, but at least it's something to spend my thoughts on.

    I have to remind myself, I have seen so, so much pornography, but I have never found precisely what I was looking for. I've seen a lot of amazing things, but never exactly, precisely what I was looking for. I guess I should probably assume it's not there and I have to look elsewhere.

    There, that got rid of me being triggered I think.

    Thanks guys.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 7.

    I still haven't intentionally looked at porn and it's building my confidence because so far it's easy.

    I made arrangements to go out tomorrow to get more things for my apartment. It's a start to getting more things to do around here so I have some alternatives when porn urges occur.

    I also think it's a good idea that I'm looking forward to getting my forebrain back (pre-frontal lobes fully functional again, which pornography addiction takes away from you). I used to have the goal of having sex with the girl I'm in love with, but that's a bad idea for a few reasons. One, I don't know if I'll actually ever have sex with her (or anyone else), and it puts too much pressure on her or me to do so. It's a whole other issue in other words. Plus, it's a bad idea because it made me have to think of sex, which would keep me around porn. Boy am I glad to have that off my mind.

    So I still need more plans for alternatives to porn, and some constructive things to do to make myself feel better while I recover from porn. I can't think of anything else to say now.

    Edit: I read someone else's journal (I can't remember whose now), and today some web pages on how not to be a Nice Guy^TM, and I believe that I have to raise my self-esteem in order to stop my addiction to Internet porn. My self-esteem is awfully low, basement low, and I don't know how to raise it. (Maybe if I get better at not letting my mom push me around.) In any case at least I can check back on my journal and get reminded of this, and see if there's any way to increase my self-esteem.

    Thanks guys.
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2018
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    One thing that's helped for me in dealing with reality is to do it one bite at a time, and sometimes only what's necessary for the immediate dealing of reality at that moment.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 8.

    I still haven't intentionally looked at porn or masturbated, but today I got more temptations to masturbate than usual.

    I have been researching on the WWW and I found some articles to do with being nice as opposed to being kind, or being a Nice Guy^TM as opposed to a real person. I will share one of the articles here:
    The article describes me a lot, I'm afraid, or I hate to admit. It also says we (Nice Guys) are prone to nasty little addictions. (Here I am.)

    I guess my plan is to read more articles on Nice Guys and hopefully make a discussion in the Pornography Addiction section of this forum, which will be brave of me I guess, and to continue to self-improve based on the advice in the Nice Guy articles, and maybe get counselling for it. I noticed that the above article mentions that kind (the opposite of Nice) people have self-esteem, so I guess I'm on the right track for feeling that self-esteem is a requirement for me to recover.

    Working on myself to not be a Nice Guy may be tough, so I should consider if I have enough resources for it before I move forward. I don't want chaos from trying it and being defeated to lead to a porn relapse. It would be good not to get too excited.

    I am a little more tempted to view porn over the last two days, but still not very high. I have gone out at least twice (walking somewhere) since I restarted this journal this year, but I still desperately need more to do around the house. TV, video games and books are what I think I should do, but it may be hard to get it. Maybe I can get some help from my social worker or mom to get these things.

    Thanks for reading.
    cjm likes this.
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    There's a book i like kn the subject "no more mr nice guy". You might like it.
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 11 I think.

    I still haven't intentionally looked at porn or masturbated.

    Thanks, cjm, I'll try to find it at a used bookstore or something. I like the sentiment of the title. It doesn't appear to be available at my local library.

    I went out today and socialised with other tenants from my building, and I took out my astronomy instrument (telescope) and got a bit overwhelmed from the sights. I was planning for a long time to introduce myself to the group of tenants who sit outside at night, since before I moved in in fact, and it seems to have been done very well. Both men and women (or girls) wanted to look through my telescope. It was good practice for my socialisation.

    I found another book to read to give me something else to do than look up porn, but it still isn't exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for thinking novels, preferably science fiction, that I haven't read before. (And there are plenty.) But for that I'd have to go to a book store or a library.

    Speaking of looking up porn, I have been more tempted to do that today than any day so far on my streak. But still the temptation is not incredibly strong. I'm still trying to think of a plan for when the porn cravings get really strong. At least now it's easier for me to go outside and get out of my apartment. I also have a Netflix password so I can view something intriguing instead of porn.

    Okay I guess that's all I have to say for now. My ease of staying off porn probably has to do with how much I consumed before I stopped (I'm kind of full), and medication that dulls my sexuality a lot (by about 3/4s).
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 15 or so.

    Today I have been tempted a lot more than usual to look up porn or something sexual or revealing. I think finally the temptations are getting to me. But boy am I so glad I'm posting. This makes it all go away.

    I've found more books to read at night for now, so I think that's an issue solved for now.

    I went without one of my medications for a day and I was able to confirm that this is the pill that deadens my libido. One day without it and I was noticing every female's body parts everywhere. I wonder if that for some reason I have a lot higher a sex drive than most men, even most men here. I can't tell, but I don't think so, I just might be more sensitive to it due to just being a sensitive person overall.

    I still need a television and more time gone out of the building working on things or having fun. That'll take some doing because I'm pretty socially anxious.

    Okay, that's all for now.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 16.

    I still feel desirous and I don't really know why I'm posting except that I hope it'll help with that.

    A side note about my medication, I think both of them (I take two kinds every day) could be causing me to have a reduced sex drive. (I don't know what I'm going to do when I get married, I need this medication to be normally functional.)

    I'm glad I posted.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 18.

    I still haven't masturbated or intentionally looked at porn.

    I'm still more tempted than when I started, though not as tempted as Day 15. I guess I'm starting to get some of my sex drive back, instead of just a porn drive.

    I know I keep going on about my medication, but since I think they both reduce my sex drive I think they're making this reboot 5-10 times easier. I don't think it's cheating, but I'm glad it's there.

    I wish I'd posted last night. Posting at night before I go to bed seems to be the best time for this.

    Well, I'm intensely tempted by now. I think this is the first hard work I'm going to have to do to quit this reboot. I wonder if there's someone I can call to distance myself from porn. I know, I'll write my social worker an e-mail.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 18, continued.

    I have a confession to make. I looked up porn while typing the past half of that last post, but it was only some pornographic ads and I didn't look any further. I closed the window, but that's teaching me a bit to not be so confident, medication or otherwise.

    Anyway, after I wrote my e-mail to my social worker I was fine, and spotted an e-mail from my mom as soon as it closed. I ended up going to my mom's house, but I wish that I hadn't, it was a waste of time.

    At least I still don't feel tempted. I had thoughts going through my head like "do you really want to ruin this reboot, that might actually work?" and "what are you going to say to the yourbrainrebalanced forum after all your bragging that the medication lowered your sex drive?" and "do you really want to go back to being addicted to internet porn, viewing it and not really getting anywhere in life?" and other thoughts, and not in that order. I think I was only able to listen to them this time because I have been posting here, and I'd feel stupid if I didn't at least try to resist the temptation and I had to come back and explain to you all that I failed a rebooting attempt for no good reason whatsoever.

    Okay I guess that's everything. I think I need to get a little wiser as far as the temptations.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 19.

    Still haven't acted out, masturbated or looked at porn. I'm proud of myself. I think that's why I'm posting almost every day, because I'm proud of myself.

    I'm still desirous and tempted to look up Internet porn, or masturbate, but I haven't yet.

    I still don't have a plan for when I'm tempted (except to post here). But I'm getting out more often at least.

    Today I even went to sit outside at a picnic table just because I wanted to have more sunlight than I was getting indoors. That's a significant difference for me. I guess no-PMO is helping my social anxiety just like other people (and yourbrainonporn.com) says it does.

    So I guess I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm doing and hopefully I'll find some way to reboot later.

    Thanks all for reading.
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 20.

    I looked at some nudity on the Internet today, which I think was a bad idea. My desires for having a girlfriend and temptation to look up porn is much higher today, higher than it's ever been so far in this rebooting attempt. On the one hand it's a good thing, my sex drive is coming back, and may eventually drive me to have a girlfriend. But for right now it doesn't have much use except to lead me into using my imagination to imagine affectionate activities and a little bit of making love. The girl I'm imagining for this I'm not talking to right now, and it may be helping me get over her.

    I don't know what to do when I'm horny and don't have a girlfriend (with whom I'm in a sexual relationship).

    I guess that applies to a lot of people.

    I'm not setting my days back but I guess I should be extra cautious in the next one or two days I don't look up porn.

    I'm going nuts here in my apartment with nothing to do, even though I have a computer that works pretty well and high speed Internet access, and I've been going out regularly for months now.

    I'm still pretty anxious about other people, social anxiety I guess you could call it, and I'm hesitant to go outside even when it would probably do me a lot of good. Maybe I should just brace myself for the worst they can do and go ahead and sit outside.
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 22 I think.

    I'm still holding out. I haven't looked at porn intentionally since the last time when I tried to look up some nudity. I'm not reseting my counter for it because I barely saw anything pornographic and I didn't masturbate to it. So I feel good about my progress so far. I'm feeling a lot more confident about myself and I think I'm thinking a lot better (clearer).

    Boredom is still my enemy though, because I don't have a job or really any hobbies. I still don't have a video game system or many books, so I'm in front of my computer most of the waking time. The neighbours sometimes gather out back in the building, maybe I could hang around with them more. I want a video game system too.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Day 26.

    Today I tried to look up porn a few times but my filters blocked me. The urge to masturbate has been pretty high the past few days. Anyway I'm not impressed with myself for giving in to looking up porn so easily (even though I half-knew that my filters would stop me). I think the reason I almost relapsed is because of the urge to masturbate and because I've been emotionally challenged recently, though I don't know what the challenges are or what triggered them.

    I found a chess app for my smartphone which might help fight some of the boredom. I also fill up my time with some educational YouTube videos. But I think the biggest gap in my life is I need to make a social circle, and spend a lot more time interacting with other people.

    Also about a week ago I wanted to grind my teeth a lot, though I don't think it was because of porn because the cravings didn't seem too bad at that point.

    I guess my plan going forward has to be to find more to do that's easy on me, but also constructive/productive. I don't really know how I'm going to stop myself from almost relapsing again like I did today. (Posting to here helps but I can't do that all the time.)
    Doper likes this.

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