I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Looked at porn today. I knew it wasn't a good idea to go downstairs, where my computer is, and I knew it wasn't a good idea to go over to my dad's house either.

    All this is after an MO in bed last night. Definitely chaser effect after a few months of provocation to sexuality, most of which I did to myself of course. I also failed to delete this operating system that I mostly only do to use porn on.

    Mostly I think my main difficulty is not getting along with others, so I have trouble going outside, and there is nothing to do except stay inside and have sexual fantasy or activity.

    Anyway I think mainly I was stupid to come over and I know it. My discretion is always extremely low after an MO, especially if it wasn't right.

    I become completely impatient after a PMO or MO and then I let my guard down and am more likely to get into trouble.

    I've changed my nickname from quitpornfoo, a terrible nickname, to fusion or Fusion. I'm not sure that's right yet.

    I keep saying this but I haven't been trying lately.

    In order for me to be trying I have to be doing the following things:
    - trying to stay awake during the day
    - try to sleep at night
    - try to socialise every one or two days
    - try to go out for a walk, or exercise, every day or two
    - don't turn go over to my dad's unless I'm really sure I should go
    - don't turn on a computer, radio or television unless I am really sure I should

    Actually that's not so bad. The hard part right now is going outside for a walk without anything bad happening. I've skipped all the religious stuff like prayer and reading the Bible.

    I was triggered by a phrase in the Big Book from A.A. about someone being willing to give up alcohol for good. Actually it was about someone who, after an over-drinking session, felt guilty at first but later started to think about ways to be able to drink normally. That is where I am. I keep thinking, almost subconsciously, about ways to be able to consume Internet porn with nothing bad happening. I am still thinking of consuming Internet porn and I haven't acknowledged it is a problem or that I am addicted.


    Here are some reasons I want to quit Internet porn:
    - get back my frontal cortex so I can be more successful in life
    - stop bad things from happening to people who are supporting me or whom I care about
    - not get in trouble with other people or women for looking at porn
    - not waste 90% of my mind and my time all the time thinking of or doing porn
    - get back ability to get erections in case I actually have the opportunity to have sex one day
    - get back moral authority so I can talk to other people
    - get rid of tonnes of guilt and anxiety
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Last Saturday or Friday, a week ago or so, I went to post to this journal and to Fiddler's, but I didn't. I thought what I would be posting would be wrong or would be a bad idea. It turns out it probably would have been great. Just after that I went to look up Internet porn instead. (I should have either posted or gone home.) I have been looking up porn every few days or so, even though I knew it was really disastrous to do so, for the past one to three weeks. I have given up on trying to quit porn. I kept going over to my dad's house when I thought I shouldn't and I was very tired from lack of sleep. Because I was tired I kept looking up porn at his house instead of getting up the nerve to do something else or go back home or go back home or something.

    I had also set up a third operating system on my home computer which is at my dad's house. Although I meant this installation of an operating system to be used for play or just doing things on my computer I have not excluded looking at porn on it, though I have put a few entries in my hosts file to block looking up of porn. I have the situation that I don't know what operating system to set up on my computer because it would be best to put on on it and then keep my spreadsheet tracker and hosts f ile on it, as well as my Your Brain Rebalanced Web site history URLs and login username and password. I don't know what to do, because I don't know what my favourite operating system is anymore and whether or not I can install it.

    Now here I am posting instead of looking up porn, which is a great idea and I am really grateful for this place.

    By the way, does anyone mind my name change from quitpornfoo to fusion? I felt the old nickname wasn't good.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    It really is better to come here and look up this forum than to look up porn. When I got here I right away closed my porn windows and added a couple sites to my hosts file list.

    But mainly I think I should post here more often and not go over to my dad's house unless I'm sure I won't look up porn here at all and I'm not tired.

    I should go over when I'm sure I have no plans to look up porn and I know I'm not way too tired, and if I am tempted (or triggered) to look up porn I should come here and post instead and give one or two good posts to my journal or Fiddler's.

    Today I got triggered by a Youtube thumbnail, admittedly sexual, and then I went and looked up porn, but I looked it up in non-private browsing mode at first. Then I went in to private browsing mode. This is just like every time I ever looked up porn since almost when I started.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I also have at different times recently, gone out for walks and just stood outside sometimes. I want to exercise to reboot from porn but instead of doing running like I thought I was going to do before I am just going to walk. I think I should go for a relatively short walk ever two or three days, and I think that will be enough exercise to be help in rebooting.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I swant to configure my home computer that I have at my dad's house to be not a porn computer. "Right now that is mostly the only thing I do on it. But I would like to be able to a) download safe things for use on my offline computer in my apartment, b) put a porn spreadsheet on it, c) have my hosts file blocklist on it and d) maybe use it for other things like productivity, games, programming or the Internet, but not porn. I don't know what to do since the operating system it came with doesn't really work anymore if it ever did.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I don't remember the last time I looked at porn but my last MO was two evenings ago I think, and has been about every two days for about six days.

    My current plan is to try to replace my environment with one that is healthier-- I want to live in a house, and not this small, crappy apartment that my
    dad is renting for me, and I want to have my own bedroom and at least two separate rooms I can go into that won't have a computer or a television
    in them. I also want to be able to go outside regularly, either for walks or bicycle riding or what. I want to keep my hosts blocklist on whatever
    computer I end up using, this really helps.

    I also want to do other things inside, like table top games or role-playing games, in order to do some things inside that don't involve a computer or
    television or reading books, or writing. Though I still intend to practice typing and maybe programming and reading some books on my computer.
    If I had friends to go out with for fun or go in with for fantasy role playing games, that would help. Maybe if I looked for things like that I would make
    friends and have other people to talk to.

    I am also going to try to move back into my dad's house to get a much warmer, safer, better-maintained, healthier, cleaner place to live with less
    bad, unhealthy neighbours, and not in a child's neighbourhood where there are children around who I don't want to see me, and I don't want to
    look at. I could also use some practice at cooking and cleaning and I don't want to buy the whole outfit to do it at my apartment if I even could. I
    can also get help here for mental health, a seriously needed thing for me, and could possibly open bank accounts sooner and get official
    needed documents sooner.

    Basically there is no point in me living in my apartment. Internet access and television will be cheaper here (at my dad's house), because I won't
    need to get my own, and I need to do those things and watch television regularly every day or so anyway, in order to be healthy. I need to catch
    up on the news and get entertainment sometimes, both from television and the Internet, and I need to read World Wide Web pages every so
    often, for keeping up on technology news and maybe receiving or sending e-mail or reading things to do with programming or my spreadsheet
    or this forum. Basically I have no need for that apartment, and it's unhealthy and costs a lot of money and does nothing for me.

    I have been successfully getting out to go for walks more often, and I think that may be helping me reboot a little. I think it counts for exercise if I
    do it long enough or vigorously, or at least getting outside helps my head be less stressed and compressed and is healthy for you especially if
    you have been in front of a computer display too long. So at least I have been getting out every so often, varying. Maybe once every one to
    three days. I also tried a psychiatric medication but quit it pretty quickly as I think it was just making me reckless and not really helping with
    depression or decision making.

    I will also have to meditate regularly and really reduce or limit my computer/Internet and television time, but with all that I think I can reboot
    successfully from Internet porn and get my frontal lobes back with the executive control and decision making, and long-term and strategic
    planning, and greater knowledge of right and wrong and less impulsiveness and less of ruining and wasting of my life. [ Edit: Added later:
    One of the most bad parts of addiction to Internet porn is that I always have an extreme desire to go and do something without thinking things
    through, or out. This pretty much always ends up poorly. Normally I don't become willing during a day to think things through, especially since
    my brain is so broken that I can't think things through too well anymore, and then I do nothing all day and I ruin my life in this fashion and I get
    the depression that Fiddler gets from not doing anything in his life, or, indeed, being able to do anything in his life. ]


    This is important, so please keep track of the following if you are interested in my rebooting efforts:

    About 10 months ago I started letting my dad go grocery shopping for me. He asked for what food I wanted and I gave him the back of an
    envelope with all the foods I think it's okay for me to eat on it and he's been getting me groceries regularly for many months now. He likes
    it to a limited extent I think because the food I described was so healthy, he thinks it's helping me for mental health which he thinks I really
    really need help with (which I do). But mainly it's been helping me because since about 8 months ago I have been getting enough to eat![

    It turns out I was going hungry for the last two years before he started getting me groceries. I was hungry, and it was really wearing out
    my willpower and making it very, very hard to sleep because I was so hungry. I had too much m.c. OCD, anxiety, social difficulties, social
    anxiety and not enough knowledge on what kind of food to get in order to eat enough. I was going way, way too hungry to recover from
    mental health or porn addiction. I ate healthy but it may have been less than half enough. I was really underweight and the first couple
    months I ate to put on weight.

    Now my idea is that if eating enough helps with Internet porn addiction, maybe being clothed enough and housed enough in a healthy
    environment too will help me quit Internet porn addiction, and also to have someone help take care of me as far as the mental health
    issues that affect me (bipolar disorder type ii, m.c. OCD, anxiety, autism, depression, ADHD, leftovers of post-traumatic stress disorder.)
    Being homeless just isn't helping with mental health problems nor with porn addiction.

    So I think, maybe, that with food, clothing, shelter, care and doing my best to avoid pressure and stress on me and doing healthy
    rebooting activities like going outside and exercising, etc, maybe, possibly, then I could reboot, though I still don't think that's all of it.


    Oh yeah I put a lot of thought into how get into into a Porn As Not an Option mindset and it had me thinking about other sexual activity
    I could do. Maybe instead of trying to have sexual activity with as many other girls as possible I could actually just date normally one
    of these days and just lightly make out with some of them--my own age--and that it wouldn't really be sexual activity but it might pet the
    nerve that I'm trying to get done here, it might be a normal replacement for porn. And it would only be one girl at a time and it would
    only be to find out if I really have compatible sexual chemistry with that person, and it could help me get more accurate sexual infor-
    mation and maturity.

    One of the other thoughts I had to do with Porn As Not an Option mindset was that I found that I seemed to have a very acute and
    severe need for really accurate information to do with sex and sexuality, as if I was a 10 or 11-year-old that didn't have any yet. And
    maybe I don't really have any yet, despite some limited sexual activity with real women and some literary reading and a huge amount
    of Internet porn since then of course. It may be that Internet porn makes me know less about sex and sexuality, and that's why I
    am craving sexual information now more than ever. Or may be because I am catching up to where I was when I was an early
    adolescent or teenager and wanted accurate sexual information but couldn't have any, and now I want to know it so I can date or be
    with girls and women and stuff, or even be married.

    Either way I still want accurate information on sex. I could go to the local library, or search the WWW (dangerous), but I don't want
    to ask my mom or dad just yet. I don't like my dad and I'm not on good terms with my mom right now. Maybe I can get a book from
    somewhere or ask a friend who actually knows something about it--if they really do. Okay, thanks for listening to my extremely long
    public journal post. Fiddler, hang in there, wherever you are.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    I have been doing a little m. in bed, usually morning or night or both, for most days for the past few months. I have the temptation to masturbate to sexual fantasies a lot, particularly when I'm in bed or under stress, which is almost all the time. However, I have not looked at porn since the last time I mentioned (a few days ago). But it was really bad when I was. I don't want to say exactly what I did but I really regret it.

    I am still regularly tempted to come to my dad's house and use my computer where I often look up porn. But this temptation got a lot less after I put some hosts into my hosts file, blocking access to porn sites. There's only about 20 (!) on there right now, but it still feels like a lot and it's still very effective in keeping me from looking up porn. Besides porn, I haven't been trying to be good generally in life. In some ways this is good because I think before I was trying way, way too hard to be good. Now I am probably trying too little.

    Complaining about my apartment

    My apartment sucks fairly bad, and it's part of the motivation for me to get out and go to my dad's house, which I tend to get in trouble from talking with my dad, watching television or going on my computer (which until recently had no blocking). I have noticed that I get an increased heart rate in my apartment before I even leave for my dad's if I think I am going to look up porn when I get there, or if I am even risking looking up porn. I think this is a sign that I should stay home and do something else instead. Also I think that if my heart rate starts to increase before I do anything, at least anything to do with computers or sex, I should stop and reconsider if I should be doing it or not. Most likely not. An increased heart rate in anticipation of consuming Internet porn is definitely part of the addiction. The addiction is all about the dopamine, I read.

    Porn hosts bock list

    So now I have a hosts file block list on my computer I don't feel so bad about Internet porn. It's really a whole lot easier, and a whole lot less stressful, even though I only put about 5-10 minutes of work into the hosts file so far.

    Other status updates

    I haven't moved into my dad's yet (where I keep this computer), and I'm not entirely sure if I want to or if I should. I will have to go back to trying to be good and see where that leads me. I have an appointment for a psychiatrist in a week's time, and I am devoting most of my mental energy to prepare for that since apparently it's my last one with this psychiatrist, and I have a host of mental health issues and other problems that I need attention to. I have never convinced this doctor that Internet porn is addictive and can be a problem, but I have a bunch of other things he can help me with.

    I think that I have to start meditating twice daily again in the future, but I am not going to. Instead I think I will make a day-to-day activities check list, including flossing and brushing my teeth and things like that, and just work on that for a while. Normally all these things stress me out too much so I am working on a way to make them less stressful and more normal. After I do all that maybe I will add exercising and social interaction and meditation to the daily activities list.

    I miss a little how I felt when I was rebooting. I see how other people, for example ThouShaltNotPorn, start off rebooting with just 1 to 2 days for starting, and then 3 to 4 days, a week, 10 days, 14/15 days, 30 days, etc. This is what I did myself on several attempts to reboot. These are the only ones that I got very far on. If I want to reboot I will have to consciously make a plan for how long I think I will have to abstain from sexuality/nudity, and normally masturbation, and then divide it up into very small tiny goals at first. When I want to attempt doing these things.

    I am still unclear on my motivation to reboot. My being life completely ruined is a big thing, but I can't really make it be because of porn addiction. Maybe it is, partially, maybe it is because of other things. Actually I am not even sure that quitting porn is the first thing I should do. Maybe it's autism, or anxiety, spiritual rebellion, or morality, or depression and anxiety, or something else. I am unclear. Mostly I would be happy with anything if I was getting left alone. As long as I didn't look at porn all day long.

    I have written two partial life visions. One is a large apartment where I have a lot of technology to play with, like computers, televisions and video games, and I suppose I have friends and girlfriends, too. The other is a normal-sized house probably with the technology, too, but also a car and a dog or some other kind of pet, and a wife or some other kind of family. Both of these visions seem too impractical now. Maybe the large apartment vision is likely to come true first. But I also want a job, freedom, the ability to go outside easily, etc., not get into trouble, not have anxiety, or depression, etc. Maybe I have to work on anxiety and depression first.

    The future

    I have to do a much better job with this journal, more like I did in the beginning. For that I think I will have to go back to being good all day and praying and officially rebooting. I am thinking of rebooting because I want that feeling of power and reality back when I get even 2 days into a reboot. I just don't want the extreme stress level. I also get intense anxiety after 7-8 days of rebooting and I don't know what to do about it. It could be related to not getting out of the house or social anxiety, like I think Fiddler gets. Or it could be related to bipolar disorder type ii maybe. I don't really have motivation to quit porn yet, but I guess that I will work on my life visions (two) more, and maybe pray more, and again, and reconsider my motivations on paper.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    Before I make a post on what has happened in the last year or so I wanted to make a post about me and masturbation.

    For me and masturbation I got the urge to masturbate almost all day long (until recently), especially in the morning and at night when I go to bed, and I mean every day. Now I think that that's not normal and there's something abnormal with me and my sex drive and masturbation. Anyway I can say for sure it was interfering with my attempts to break my Internet porn addiction.

    But now I am on an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication, Cipralex (escitalopram) (after talking to a doctor) and for the first time since my adolescence I haven't had the urge to masturbate up to eight times per day.

    I have read, here, on this site, I think, that this drug can lower my libido. Maybe it is, although I don't quite think so--maybe masturbation was tied in to depression and anxiety, both of which I have very badly, with me. Overall I am just very relieved and thankful due to the medication's effect on lowering my sex drive, though.

    Another post should describe to you all the things that happened since I last posted, but I don't want to do it right now. I hope this is helpful to anyone else out there.
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Changed my name back to 'quitpornfoo'.

    Status update

    I have just spent a long time in hospital, and I got some psychiatric or psychological treatment there, and got on three medications. One medication seems to have the effect of killing my libido (very reduced urge to masturbate). I didn't tell anyone there about my Internet porn addiction. Actually, I am not sure I even admit to myself I am addicted to porn on the Internet.

    I moved into my mother's and new step-father upon my exit from hospital, and overall my life is a lot, lot, better. I have even hosted two parties for friends to play games. I have also grocery shopped and prepared (basic) meals and worked on my computer and other technological things. I have also gone to a climbing gym and very much liked it so I will probably go back and get a membership.

    I don't think any of these things could have happened if I hadn't gotten treatment in hospital, hadn't been taking my medication, and my mom and other people she knew prayed for me. I am also seeing a counsellor at my mom and new step-father's church.

    As for sexual discussion and my status as far as Internet porn it's this: Though urges to masturbate are greatly decreased (almost nothing) I am still doing it every now and then. I am also still looking up and masturbating to Internet porn on an irregular schedule on my notebook computer in my mom and step-parents' house. I have also been adding to my block list in the hosts file as I look up Internet porn.

    So, it's been about five minutes since my last PMO. I thought you might all want to know this.

    I think my current sticking point is that I am not admitting that I have a problem with pornography on the Internet or that I'm addicted to Internet porn. I can't even admit it to myself or this forum even though I certainly am.

    I keep looking up Internet porn despite a belief that it's morally wrong, that it's inappropriate, that I'm getting caught, and that it has negative effects on me and other people every time. And I get less and less excitement or enjoyment from what used to excite me and I need more and more harder core pornography and more of it and it's been escalating for over ten years and it's still escalating and I have long since left the point where pornography was causing me pleasure--it hardly causes me pleasure at all, if any. I'm not getting through the emotional ringer on this issue. I'm not getting it firmly into my head that I have a problem and that I need to do something about it (particularly what YBOP and others here say to do about it).

    Well, now that I have said all that I want to comment that I have been reading some of Iamahumanbeing's journal, and he points out how he had a very bad family and grew up in an extremely unhealthy way, and had unhealthy friendships and girlfriend relationships and how it took him an extremely long time to get out of it. (He also inspirationally points out how he is coming into his own, with all his own likes and tastes and things like that now that he's not in porn all the time).

    Anyway, my family, and my history is partially, but not fully, like that, and I think it's something I have to work on if I want to get out of porn forever in the future. Thanks for reading this far.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I have been clean since last! I'm glad I posted. I am working on, lately, staying awake during the day and sleeping at night while getting enough sleep.

    I should probably post here more often.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I PMOed last night. This has been my pattern lately. I masturbate to softer-core porn than normal but it still strengthens and deepens my addiction. It also always has bad consequences every time, as usual. But other than that I have been clean since last. I'm lying, because viewed a video that had a warning on it and saw some nudity so what I did was naughty.

    I don't have anything else to say at the moment except that I plan to increase the amount of non-porn and non-Internet-related activities in my life to help me create a life with no porn in it. This has had some practical aspects because I have been hosting parties and I went rock climbing once and other things that I can't remember right now.

    So I have to keep using my willpower to not look at porn in the mean time.

    Talk at you later.
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    I PMOed again last night. Something to do with what goes around comes around for my last post. I often have a great urge to PMO after I post here, especially if I post imperfectly (whatever that means).

    Anyway I am not proud of myself.

    I still have the hosts file block list up. I keep disabling parts of it so I can look up what I want but I still think it's preventing me from doing much, much worse. I am just not trying that seriously recently.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I haven't looked up porn since last. I last felt tempted today, about 10 minutes ago, after noticing a sperm tissue that missed the garbage can and thinking about how good m. or mo. might feel.

    Above all, I feel a lot more blessed and like it's much more or closer to where I belong now that I live in my mom's house in a totally different city. The importance of this would be hard to overstate. It might be the first time I have been in the right place and been able to do anything about it. Here are some things letting me live more than usual here:
    • Medication
    • Recent mental health medical treatment
    • Clearer understanding of PMO and sexuality-charged addictions thanks to Your Brain On Porn and this forum
    • Some better life experience and thinking of the past few years
    • And of course, a lot of recovery in the porn addiction area, it's now almost manageable

    I have m.-ed a little in the morning or at night almost unconsciously. I don't know what this has to do with recovery. Maybe it has to do with stress or not sleeping well.

    I also read somewhere lately, that some people have trouble with recidivism (going back and doing the same crime again) when they encounter difficulty in life and that definitely sounds like me and sexual addiction and Internet porn. Whenever I run into a stiff, solid barrier I very quickly get a temptation to go PMO to make it all go away, and I run into solid barriers often from my life difficulties. I have life difficulties.

    That also reminds me that I had a lot of pre-existing problems before Internet porn, and I think that makes my addiction to Internet porn deeper or harder to break or more extreme. I may have to solve all my pre-existing problems before I can quit or break my addiction to Internet porn. I don't know if I have the volition or reserves to do that anymore. It may be impossible for me to break my addiction to Internet porn. I know negative thinking isn't encouraged around here. I just want to be honest.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    I keep doing m. in the middle of the night, or late at night before I got to sleep. It seems to be after a long period of being awake but very close to sleeping, and then just before I go to sleep for real. I can't say it's caused by me viewing nudity or sexual things before because it doesn't seem to.

    Anyway I am 0 minutes from my last porn consumption time.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    I stopped looking at porn a few minutes after I posted the last time so I guess it made me stop. I am going to do that again, I think, if I am looking at porn and I want to stop :).

    No porn consumption or m. since a couple minutes after my last post.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    No porn or nudity since last, but I was tempted a couple times, and I think I dreamt of nudity recently. I also had yet another midnight masturbation session last night, I still don't really know why. It's only approximately around midnight and it's just for a few minutes and never to orgasm. I think I'll have to quit it to recover from addiction to Internet porn too.

    That's it for now.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    No porn since last, some (?) mild television nudity.

    There was something else I was going to say that I should have added to my last post: Sometimes it helps me to think of drugs and how they're a rabbit hole, and how porn isn't completely different from that and it's something of a rabbit hole, too. Sometimes it helps me to think that I don't want to get further into that rabbit hole.

    There was something else I remembered that I should (could?) have posted last time but I don't remember it.

    Remember when I said sometimes I was tempted? I have been tempted about every second day recently and today I was tempted again, just to look up one (1) porn image. (It's never just one, of course.) Anyway I turned down the temptation and instead went to watch television, in order to be sure that I was turning it down (don't just turn it down, do something else so you can't do it anymore). But I couldn't sit still while I was watching television so I went into my room and wrote an e-mail to the girl I like (a woman I might love and be in love with) and that's ten thousand times better than looking up a porn image.

    I hope my e-mail was okay and she likes it. If she e-mails me back, and it's positive, that would be nice, but I already feel a lot better just having written it, whether or not she reads it or replies.

    That's that for now. (Porn free recently for one or two weeks or something.)
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    Still tempted once or twice a day to look up Internet porn. The best way to refuse it it seems is to post here. This is why I am posting.

    No porn, nudity or masturbation since last. Very good.

    I didn't get a reply to my message to the woman I like, but that's okay, I still feel good that I sent it and I want to send more.

    I want to talk on Fiddler's journal, talk to him, but I don't feel bold enough. Well, maybe I will be able to.

    Things I am up to

    Watching a few TV series on Netflix, which my parents have, in order to entertain and edify myself. This has been pretty helpful for being good for my mind and I would recommend it, as long as you are choosy about what television series you watch. It's been good for my mind and a mild porn anti-dote that discourages me from looking up porn and helps remove some of the damage done by looking at porn.

    Been keeping somewhat busy with driving to places, watching television, trying out things to do with technology, keeping up after my mental health, watching music videos, talking with my parents, playing board games with my family and a few other things. This is also a good porn preventer, because it keeps me busy and gives my mind a lot of other things to do than think about Internet porn. I also read sometimes. But my days have been kept fairly busy and can get busier. I have a lot more to do that I am postponing. Well, it's still a lot better than it used to be.

    And posting here helps prevent me from looking up porn in the time I am most likely to view it, just before I go to bed.
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    PMOed a few minutes ago to Internet porn. Went to Your Brain On Porn while looking it up in an attempt to get me to stop. It didn't work, but I am reading the main intro article again, which I really needed. That article has been updated since I first read it 3 or 4 years ago anyway. I am embarrassed about my porn consumption, but I am trying to avoid having any deep feelings like shame or regret because I know they strengthen the addiction. But maybe I should have some shame or regret because I could have done better.

    In an important note I have to say something I thought of a few years ago but haven't said here yet: If I could look up Internet porn with no consequences for it I would. Probably tonnes of it forever and ever. I am still searching for a way to look up Internet porn with no consequences (and hopefully I won't find one). I don't think there is a way anyway.

    It's possible I was triggered by an emotional conversation I had earlier that day, or television sexuality or nudity, or just having slept extremely well, or the content of some of the dreams I had recently, or just letting my guard down.

    Other than my porn site hosts block list (which really helps) and trying to avoid triggers I have no real ideas on how to stop myself from looking up porn. Reminding myself of consequences only works for a while, then I decide to just deal with the consequences when they come up, or if I find a way to avoid the consequences I might try that, too.

    Maybe I should let a trusted friend access my computer at all times and see what is on the screen, then he could keep me accountable for this.

    I don't have any other ideas. Maybe I will come up with some later.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Update (fifteen minutes or so since last)

    Tempted to look up still more porn after last. I guess I will try to resist it for now, or at least until I sleep and wake up later.

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