I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    I had fallen extremely far behind on sleep while going hungry and in withdrawal from technology and porn addiction. So yes, technology addiction overlaps with porn addiction. I did not do any withdrawal from porn addiction until I stopped browsing the World Wide Web for no reason and stopped watching excessive cable television. I had to refrain from both of those two things, and from listening to the radio, before I started to enter withdrawal.

    I found it extremely difficult to concentrate. I found it nearly impossible to stay still and stop being unwilling to do the right thing. I couldn't sleep well, either. In fact, I found it extremely difficult to sleep. I hardly slept at all, I slept only 2-4 hours per night it sometimes, although I would often sleep for a few hours during the day. It was still extremely difficult to sleep.

    So about after about three weeks of this I think I finished being in withdrawal. I also had difficulty sleeping due to the fact that I had been going hungry from being out of money (I have eaten since then don't worry, I should tell this later). I find most interesting how I was completely unwilling to stay still and focus or try to concentrate or become willing to do the right thing while I was in my addiction. (This makes it impossible for me to go to the grocery store, since I have to be willing to do the right thing before I can go grocery shopping.)

    Maybe it only took one or two weeks of not being on the computer or watching television pointlessly. In that time I did some journal paper writing and not much else. I meditated for 5 minutes one or two times. I exercised with one long exercise session and one small one. (I felt better for a while but overall it didn't help, see below.) I didn't get out much or go on any short walks outside.

    I also didn't practice technology, guitar or read before I went to bed.

    I did act like an idiot or worse in some Internet messages I wrote.

    Porn makes me act like an asshole after I have a session on it and it tends to come out when I next talk to or interact with someone, say a neighbour or a checkout woman at the store or someone I send a message to by e-mail or some other Internet messaging services. It (porn) makes me freaking crazy.


    I slept extremely poorly when I was in withdrawal, but I already mentioned most of that. I did sleep on the floor for most of it if I slept at all. It was mostly me being unwilling to think about my moral being that I was really in, or my moral position that I have to do before I do anything (like go to the grocery store or go to sleep). So I just refused normally and didn't sleep. I didn't really sleep the entire time I was in withdrawal, only after it was over. I am catching up now. I slept random times mostly during the day.


    I was going without food most of the time because I had ran out of money.

    Since then I e-mailed my step-dad and he came to my area and took me grocery shopping where I bought $50 worth of food cheap so I ate all this weekend. (He also brought money which I can use to pay for food and rent, but I haven't used any of it yet and I don't want to.)

    I'm still out of money though. I just have to get a job or get some money from the government. I might prefer to get a job.

    I'm also out of sync as far as going to the grocery store, which is extremely difficult for me to do normally without getting sniffs and coughs and other scorns and contempt so I'll have to start it again.

    Getting a job

    Maybe I should just my small business helping people with technology to see if I can get off government-supplied support money.
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I browsed porn a lot this afternoon, for about one or two hours. I was doing M to it, too. In the end I stopped the porn and didn't O. This is still a really bad idea. I have noticed that lately I am viewing a lot of Internet porn but not MOing to it, just M. This is of course a really, really bad idea since porn use is the main problem of PMO, and I am likely to masturbate over it later, like when I am in bed, and that it would still count as a PMO, just that the MO is later.

    I think the main cure of me regularly looking up Internet porn is to take it seriously again about not looking up porn, and also retry to handle all my life issues so that I can deal with them, and go back to the schedule and doing all the things I have to do in order to reboot (eating well, meditation, social interactions, sleeping at night, etc.)

    Overall, however, I have had an extremely increased mood since I finished going through withdrawal about a week and a half ago. I have felt in a good mood and much, much happier and more confident. I have also been able to think more logically and clearly. Actually I accomplished a few small things, which can be a lot for me, so that's good. So I went through withdrawal and came out the other side much happier and more well balanced.

    Trigger today

    My looking up of porn today was caused by a) bad sleep schedule, lack of sleep, b) me not really seriously trying not to look up Internet porn and c) frustration over guilt and many other things that have happened in the last 2 weeks or so. I should have avoided even turning on my computer this day, though.

    It's mainly the frustration for me that starts Internet porn use. I have said this before in my journal. I have to resume my entire rebooting attempt since I gave up on it about last year.

    Eating right

    Last week Saturday I had my stepdad come over and help me go grocery shopping. He paid for it too. I didn't shop at the one store so I didn't get enough groceries, but still I got enough food. This was extremely helpful and then for the next 3 days I ate really well.

    So that's the last time I ate well. I've gone grocery shopping since then, but I didn't really seem to get healthy food, so I haven't really eaten well lately.


    I have helped myself to quit the television habit by throwing my remote control under my bed. The bed is fairly large and so it's hard to retrieve the remote control out of it. This means when I want to watch television I am more likely to keep it off instead. Since I did this I entered withdrawal, it has been the best thing to happen to me in a year.

    I still take the remote control out and I watch television sometimes. Sometimes this is really helpful, the TV show relaxes me, but most of the time it is bad for me and seriously wastes time.


    Since I went through withdrawal sleeping is 10 times easier. It's even easy to wake up in the morning, like 6-7AM, the ideal time for me to wake up. So I have been sleeping much, much better.

    I have allowed myself to sleep on my bed and with the curtains open sometimes, and I don't think that's a good idea. Mostly I have been sleeping at night like I am supposed to.


    I haven't been reading before going to bed. This is one of the most helpful habits I have had in the past.

    Paper writing

    I haven't done much, if any, paper writing since the time on Saturday last week when my stepdad came over to help me with grocery shopping. It was an eventful day overall and I didn't write enough of it down in my paper writing journal in order to get it to unwind in my head, which I have to do still and should do.

    I have to catch up on a week's worth of stuff in paper writing, and I have to catch up on two weeks or more stuff happening in my life.


    I wrote a lot more, additionally, for my last post but the Internet connection went down for me (a problem with the driver or Windows XP not being supported I think). I saved it to a file. It's mostly about withdrawal and I should post it again.


    Speaking of Windows XP not being supported I have a Linux installation DVD now and I think I should set it up on this computer. This would overwrite Windows XP and an old Linux installation I have on here. That would be a great idea, I hate and despise Windows XP so much.

    I will probably set up DansGuardian on it and some computer programming languages. I will copy over my hosts file block list, too, but I might not actually put it in place unless I think I can find a way to make it seem or feel more private (than sticking it in the normally system-wide /etc/hosts file) even though no one else will use this system. I should also continue to leave on the Google Safesearch cookie (which works really well when it's enabled). (I might also use SeaMonkey instead of Firefox because it has no Private Browsing mode.)

    So, I have to switch to Linux entirely (no Windows XP at all) and I am nervous about it, because many things can go wrong because I don't have a wired network connection here, there are some problems with my CD/DVD-ROM drive, I haven't tried this Linux distribution before, and there is just some unnamed fears to do with abandoning Windows XP permanently on this computer, possibly fears that Linux won't work right and my computer will remain non-operational or I will turn out to be missing some critical feature that I really need.

    It's also possible I might accidentally lose some files I would really like to keep. I'm not doing this from home with a bunch of flash sticks and Linux CDs handy and I've been out of the Linux community for at least 10 years, so I'm nervous. Plus I'm nervous about having programming languages installed because I find it exciting because I really, really like computer programming, and it's stressful even to have something you like if it's going to be a lot of work.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    Over the past two days or so I have been doing a lot of m. and looking up of p., but I was good before that. My counter is not accurate because I haven't got my bookmark handy in order to update it. There would be a lot of P use on Saturday night and more today and tonight. I have also done m. the past few days and did an O today. All this was triggered by some sexy things on television I think. Also I should not have watched news stories to do with reporting sex crime news.

    I was doing good before that, though, with over a week no M or P I think. I was actually trying. This was the opposite of what I was doing a few months ago, which was looking up porn whenever I want to. One reminder from that is that almost all my problems are caused by excessive Internet porn use: action when I should not be acting, indecision, distress over decisions, all of this interfering with my day-to-day life like grocery shopping. I am reminded of that every time I relapse a little.


    I have meditated only a couple times. I am still going to try only 5 min. in the morning and 5 min. in the evening.

    I am not going to try exercising anymore. Instead I will try going out for a short walk every morning. Later, if I want to take a run, I will.

    I have kept the television off most of the time. I was helped in this by me tossing the remote under my bed. I couldn't get it and so I reduced my television watching because I had to move my bed to get the remote. My television's on/off switch is broken too and the remote power button doesn't seem to work most of the time so I gave up on the television a lot. This was probably very good for me.

    Unfortunately I have been going hungry a lot of the time mostly from not going to the grocery store. I have also not been trying to practice anything during the day or watch television on schedule or read in the evening. I haven't really been trying to work on my diet, schedule, budget, porn reboot plan or anything else in my life. Watching television on schedule is still a great idea though and I am intending to go with it. I have an idea of which shows I want to watch every week (or day) too.

    I have been trying to stay awake during the day and sleep at night with success though, and brushing my teeth, etc. I have not been reading the Bible or praying regularly. I have not done paper journal writing regularly, which is one of the most important things I do in order to recover. I have also not been regularly practicing my guitar (I broke a string on it a while back and haven't really been trying since then). I haven't been doing anything else, either.


    My step-father has allowed me to move into an apartment he arranged for me with some friends of his. I haven't moved in yet, but I plan to. It is a small bachelor basement apartment. I don't plan to get high speed Internet access (discussion in this journal may be wrong) but I do plan to get antennae television and dial-up Internet access. I am also planning to get furniture and everything I need for cooking. I plan to spend my time on educational activities the same as before. I am also hoping to go swimming and biking every day in order to help with rebooting. I have seen both of those two things recommended on this forum before and I believe they extremely well apply to me, too.

    I am also going to practice technology after educational activities (meant to be formal-related). I am extremely nervous due to moving from my present situation into a small apartment and from moving from this city back to a city I am more or less from. I am nervous about it because of the contact with my step-father's friends, to be my new landlady and landlord, and with my step-dad, and with others, and with people at the church I tend to go to. I am planning on having my contact with my step-dad in order to have him help me with clothes shopping and grocery shopping.

    I am also nervous to do with news stories I have heard about, mostly world news and local to my country and province, and a little to do with computers and technology. This is causing me some nervousness. I am going without medication, which is my mistake.

    On rebooting

    I have had "renewed self-respect", like the 100 benefits page says a couple times in the past when trying sincerely to reboot. I have good feelings overall when I do that.

    I also get intense anxiety (which I saw Fiddler mention in his journal) in about 9 days after no P or M. I don't quite know why if it's from no emissions or sexual release or from rebooting in general.

    I haven't really been trying to live to a schedule so I have rarely gotten anything done like educational activities or guitar or anything else. I haven't read the Bible much, either, which I think has set me back in religion and I haven't been praying every day, either.

    Still it's way, way better than when I wasn't trying at all and was browsing porn three times a day (or at least a week).

    I figured out how to turn the television back on without the remote again and have now been watching too much TV again, but it's still better than it was before.
  4. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    As long as you are trying, you are doing good. Don't compare your rebooting attempts with others', everybody here comes from different upbringing, different environment and different psychological issues and that makes every reboot unique, in difficulty and development. You do what you can, and that's enough. As long as you are trying you will succeed :)
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Summary of June and July

    On June 20th I moved back into my step-father's house (the one who I'm always having trouble with) to move into a cheap apartment he got with friends of his. I acted out majorly, two times in his house while I lived there. This was two porn sessions. They were just as normal, and had just as bad consequences and porn sessions always do for me with real losses in my real life associated with my loss of thinking straight from porn use, and from bad karma that you seem to get when you do something wrong.

    I spent only 2 to 3 weeks at my step-father's house, and then I moved into the basement apartment. This finally moves me out of the cheap motel I had been staying in for the past 1.6 to 3 years. It was a motel, and I think the only real reason I was staying in it was because I do not have the nerve to rent a normal apartment by myself (I can normally afford one).

    Since moving into my basement apartment I have only acted out with P 1 or 2 major times. The first time was a long, multi-day duration session with lots of downloading, particularly using pirating Web sites, and I am embarrassed and ashamed that I did something wrong by downloading porn illegally, which I think is wrong (despite the fact that I generally think porn is wrong too). Anyway I only had one MO during this entire session, if I recall correctly. Then I went back and did some more porn browsing. It was a pretty long session over all. Eventually I stopped doing that and removed my pirating programs and deleted all the porn that I had downloaded (which I still miss a little bit).

    I also have to mention that since moving into my apartment I have done a lot of M alone in bed (usually in bed), more than I would have done if I was sincerely trying to reboot. Almost all of this was a bad idea and was just a coping mechanism for the changes from me moving from city to city and from different type of living conditions, and me being lazy about rebooting. In that time I did one (1) MO that was actually a good, approved The Orgasm Reboot MO that was just for excessive stress or pressure release and involved no porn and only one item of sexual fantasy. I am proud of this right MO but I did ruin it the next day with another MO, which was not right.

    I have also done other Ms and MOs that weren't right, and one more MO, this month, that was right. I am beginning to think that an MO each month, to very minimal or no fantasy, and of course to absolutely no porn, is about right for me and is healthy and would not harm my reboot. I have to be very honest with myself if it's a right MO or if I just want to masturbate and have sexual fantasies, most of the time I have been fooling myself on this issue. It looks like the "right MO" only comes when I'm not expecting it, and it's really short, and I don't even want to do it that much, and it's only because my brain is having a lot of trouble focusing, and it only involves one item of sexual fantasy, and I don't really get that into it and it's over rather quickly. So yeah, it looks like one MO a month might be about right for me, only if it's almost unconscious when I should do it, anything else is dishonest.

    More lately, August-September

    So due to lack of TV, cable, Internet, high speed Internet or any kind or even a working computer at my apartment I have actually been pretty clean from Internet porn. My last porn looking-up session happened just before the celebrity photo stealing scandal (please do yourself a favour and don't try to look up these pictures), so it's been about that long since I've been clean, which is not that long. I am regularly getting really strong urges to go to my step-dad's house and use the technology here (I'm there right now)--I think this is because I am partially addicted to porn on the Internet, but also that I am addicted to technology in general, whether computer, the Internet or even TV. So now instead of urges to turn my notebook PC on and look up porn or just have mindless computer use I have the urge all the time to go over to my dad's house and waste my time and possibly look up Internet porn there, and this is a habit, and it's a bad habit, and it's where I am and what's going on lately with me.

    I have also been tempted very much, many times (and I am tempted right *now*) to look up Internet porn on one of my computers I left behind at my dad's house, but the last two or three severe temptations I turned down, extremely thinly, due to thinking about the consequences that normally occur to looking up porn.


    I have not been meditating or preventing myself from sleeping during the day very often. I have been awake at night many, many, many times usually using a computer or reading, but I don't have Internet access so I didn't slip and look up pornography. I didn't exercise once I don't think. I have meditated succesfully all of two times I think. I haven't been eating or sleeping well, but when I do it it's usually health food. I have been allowing myself to sleep all day if I want to, in order just to get enough sleep (and help with depression and recovery from Internet porn addiction). I haven't gotten anything done with my life... but one time when I was on a testosterone high from not doing an MO in a while I was really, really into science like since I was a kid and wish that I had done something about it like take a high school or university-level course or at least written down everything I could think of on paper, or the walls of my apartment.

    I haven't gone swimming or gotten my bicycle working, both of which I have seen recommended here as things to do to help with addiction to Internet porn recovery, and I have thought so myself from basically almost my entire life. But I unfrotunately haven't been able to get the bicycle going and I still feel too nervous, or creepy, to go to the public city swimming pool that's not far from here. (Perhaps after I work on my personal appearance a bit). I am a little worried I will get in trouble for staring or drooling over the girls in the swimwear they are likely to wear, but I think I would just live with it.

    I'm still not really seriously trying to reboot. If I was I would have more of a strict schedule, and be reading, exercising, meditating and writing on paper every day as well as going outside regularly and enjoying the blue sky and stars, etc., and interacting socially with others regularly, and I would be attending other appointments more often and other things. I would also be more religious about posting here regularly, like 3 times a week or something.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I can't see me really trying to reboot and I don't think I should. I think I'm still way too freaked out, or damaged a little, from when I was forcing myself to do my first, second, third, fourth and other rebooting attempts. I think I can't do it just on forcing myself. I need some motivation or help. Although rereading here helps remind me that I really do have Internet porn addiction, I am still not really, truly admitting it to myself that I am a PMO addict or that I ever look up porno at all or am even tempted by it. I am seeing reminders, over and over again, about all the signs that I have a (semi-permanently) altered brain due to Internet porn addiction, but I am still not really accepting it or thinking along those lines, or believing it for myself. I am not accepting that my brain has been (semi-permanently) changed by anything, whether Internet porn or not. I am unclear on what I should do about that problem.

    I could probably write down all my problems in life and what I think the causes of them are and maybe Internet porn would show up for one or more of them. I could keep posting here, too, going on and on until I, or someone else gets it. I could keep track of all the things I have to do to stop myself from looking up porn, or I can (and should) put all my P, M or O use down on paper and eventually into a spreadsheet. (I have been keeping track of my PMO activity, mostly, but not in a spreadsheet or using a calendar.)

    I've just posted to this forum (YBR), and so I feel a lot more triggered than normal, like my addiction is being activated. I think it's times like these, when I am tempted but I am resisting the temptation and actively looking for or thinking about something else I could do instead, when I am actually building new neural pathways, or at least rebooting a little (maybe encouraging the neural pathways to grow later).

    I think I still need a general, all-purpose porn replacement activity, like cleaning a work site or something, something mindless but constructive.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I get dreams that I am trapped in a large place, like a large prisoner-of-war camp, or a community around a church and the church itself, all the time. I think it's from the circumstances in my life, plus I am still getting vivid dreams almost every night (or day) due to withdrawal from addiction to PMO.

    I have found that the best way to deal with not having any sex, or sexual activity, or immediate prospects for so is to deal with it by thinking about it honestly for a few minutes to an hour, up to an hour and a half. In this hour and a half I will think to myself things like, "Man would I ever, really, really like to have access to (this female part) or do (this type of act)" and it's really quite honest. I am upset and unhappy for the entire time. This isn't sexually fantasizing at all, which is a close facsimile and should be avoided. This lamenting helps me get over not having activities to do with sex and helps get me motivated a bit again, although still sadly. It's just inherently sad to go without sex if you're one of those people who probably does not have the ability to go without it indefinitely. It seems to help, and I don't actually have to do it every day, maybe once every three days to a week.

    I'd like to post again to Fiddler's journal where he talks about four or five of his current symptoms of rebooting but I don't have the nerve yet.

    I also want to note that in my apartment I have very great difficulty not turning on my radio. It's the only technological stimulation I have (other than a couple not working computers and an extremely old handheld video game system) and I almost can't bear to leave it off. It's the same as when I was with a television in the living room, I almost couldn't bear not to turn it on.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    I did an MO last night for no reason. I have been doing a lot of M and sometimes an MO ever since I moved into the small apartment. I have not been really trying to reboot.

    It's too hard to keep tight control of myself every minute for months or years at a time. And I have to do it to stop myself fro m masturbating. I don't know what to do about it.
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I still haven't looked at porn since the celebrity photo scandal, a fact for which I am extremely grateful (the lack of looking at porn, not the scandal). However, I have had a few MOs, to orgasm, that were not accurate or "good" MOs, and lots of M either in the morning when I wake up or or at night after I go to bed. This is the major weak point in my rebooting right now; I keep doing partial M (edging) in bed.

    on having no Internet

    Mainly, I think the main reason I have not looked at Internet porn is because I have no Internet or television in my apartment. I think this is this is the only thing keeping me from looking up Internet porn.

    I want and I think I should get Internet, so at that time I would get in big trouble because I always get bad, bad, really bad consequences whenever I look at a substantial amount of Internet porn, like people wanting to talk to me and me being extremely self-conscious because I know that what I did was wrong, and it seems that bad things happen to allies or friends of mine, or girls I have met, or things on the news, and I make an a--hole or idiot of myself in some social situation or interaction, and I often go somewhere like into a store after a PMO and make a fool of myself in there, too, because I am so self-conscious about having done something wrong. Bad things seem to happen sometimes to the woman I have a crush on, too, or at least I am not able to do anything about it because I know I was wrong to be looking up Internet porn.

    Anyway I plan to get Internet, and even high speed Internet (DSL). I have to, because I have to have a life and for me that means I need access to the Internet to download programming-related things, check my e-mail, read news and release files or just browse Web pages the way everyone else does. I can't keep going over to my dad's house to use his Internet access 3 or 4 days a week. I have gone almost four months without Internet access in my home and I think that's too much. I think three months.

    Mostly to replace the Internet I did not do anything constructive. Mostly I kept going over to dad's house to use his, or I listened to the radio, or got one of my old PCs going and doing something without Internet access, or I read books, or watch television at dad's house. I didn't really write, exercise, pray, meditate, learn Japanese, learn any education like science or do anything else constructive. My head cleared a little, but I am now 20 days over the limit of how long I think I should have gone without Internet access. I really wish I had written down things on paper more, meditated everyday twice a day, exercised sometimes, learned Japanese more and done something relating to formal education, like distance education (textbooks borrowed from a somewhat school). I regret that.

    Now, I have learned something new: If I don't look up porn but I still keep up with the other M activities and I don't write on paper, pray, exercise meditate, etc., I have pretty much the same problems as when I am doing PMO constantly, except that it's a lot less calamitous, and a lot less extremely stressful or anxiety-filled. I still have extreme difficulty doing normal things like going to the grocery store, managing day-to-day life, socialising, interacting with family or doing pretty much anything at all. It's just less terribly, horribly bad. This is where I am when I am not looking up P, but I'm not refraining from M and I'm not really rebooting, either, that is, I'm not really generally trying I'm just refraining from looking up P.

    I hope that I can get a computer with a smaller display when I get Internet access, because I find this computer's display to be much too large. It is over-stimulating and is more harmful than normal if I look at pornography on it because it is so large. I plan to get a used computer with a normal, large- or medium-sized display.


    I have meditated only a few times successfully, by which I mean I did it for exactly five minutes and I slowed my mind down during that time and felt significantly better afterwards. In fact, I may have only done that one time since I moved in June, which is what I am talking about. I really regret not trying more twice a day every day. I think it would have had a big effect.

    Paper writing

    Writing on paper is a big part of my rebooting effort for me. A few times I have caught up on paper writing, which is where I try to write down everything that happened in the last day or few days, and everything that's on my mind, but most of the time I have been refusing to do, not wanting to sit down and force myself to focus for a few minutes to write down a half-day's worth of activities at a time. Still, I have written 50 to 100 pages since moving into my apartment in late June. The hardest part about writing down my day is dealing with reality and admitting things that didn't work out were generally my fault, and facing reality that way.

    Recovery reading

    I have read different passages from Alcoholics Anonymous literature including the Big Book, to good effect a few times over the last three or four months. They have affected me a little (in a positive way) and I wish I had more and that I was reading it every day or every morning.

    Prayer and Bible reading

    I have prayed most days and read my Bible possibly less than half of those days. This isn't really, exactly related to recovery from addiction to Internet porn, but prayer and God-related things and reading the Bible are all required for me to function on a daily basis, either because I just really need them, or I am so in the habit of doing it I have to do it in order to get my mind sorted out or in order for the day to proceed. I wish I had read my Bible more regularly but I guess I am praying enough for government use.


    Since I have no Internet access in my house I decided to sleep in during the day a lot. Actually at first I tried to get up in the morning, but didn't succeed most of the time, I kept staying up to 5:00 AM on a computer or reading or something like that. I am not keeping a schedule. However, I have gotten plenty of rest and sleep recently, because I have been letting myself sleep 12 hours a day even more if I need to. So today especially, I feel well-rested (I slept until 12:00 PM today. Also I am still getting intense dreams that I sometimes remember.

    I am tired all the time, except when I am supposed to be sleeping. I think this is because I have a brain with an addiction, and whenever I am not engaging in the addictive behavior (masturbating to pornography) I feel tired. I think this will go away if I try to do the things I am supposed to do (sleep, meditate, exercise, education) and have a schedule.


    I have done no exercise at lately, since I gave up about five or six months ago when I was still living at the motel. I have had the idea and urges to do so, especially right after I get up in the morning, but I have never done so. I have a lot of social anxiety, so I am afraid of going outside and running, which is what I'd like to do, and I am also afraid to exercise alone in my bedroom/office room area because I am afraid I am doing it wrong or that I will end up inhaling too much dust and affecting my health negatively that way. I am also afraid of just feeling bad after exercising, as I often do, I think because of having depression as a pre-existing condition.

    (Maybe I should get a work-out video and look at that on my computer.)

    I think I am also afraid of the accountability of doing everything right: if I do everything I am supposed to be doing, like exercising and getting medical mental health treatment, and I get cured of addiction to Internet porn and mental health issues, and everything works out, who am I going to blame for anything? That would mean that I am personally responsible of my own life, and I'm not sure I want to deal with that or take that on yet, not that I really, actually have a choice.

    Plus I don't know how to exercise and I am often extremely hungry from lack of food due to being too stubborn or nervous to go over to the grocery store or my dad's house or some other place to get food (restaurant or fast food place).

    Time in nature

    While I was at my motel I would get time in nature by:
    • Just looking outside and watching it snow or rain
    • Standing outside and watching the sky or the clouds, or the stars or the moon and the planets
    • Walking out to a nearby rushing canal (not for ships) with rushing water in it and lots of trees nearby and standing around there for 20 minutes or something
    • Taking a long walk along that canal to a place by a stream and lots of plants and animals and insects and everything
    I needed these things, especially that last one.

    I have not, due to rebelliousness and social anxiety, walked to anywhere that has really any of those things, so I have not seriously spent time in nature for months. The closest I have come is gazing out at the sky or the stars a few times, which is not that effective.

    I have a place picked out for the best, most extreme nature area, but I have just been refusing to walk there, because of refusing to do so and social anxiety, too. I just haven't gone there.

    Social interaction

    I haven't been able to socially interact with anyone on a daily basis since a man I knew who worked at the motel had to leave, so I haven't been getting a short, friendly social payoff every day for a year or two since then. I have a man I know in the building with me who might be able to have short, friendly interactions with me, but it seems that we are never meeting up.

    Despite the fact that I live in a crowded neighborhood I have hardly interacted with anyone since I've been there. I think it's because I haven't been trying in general, trying over all, so I am not good and I have any nice good things or be a good person to offer anyone; like I'm too much of a miserable grouch to be helpful or a good influence on anyone so due to the spiritual coincidences of reality, they're just not showing up. So I guess the only solution to this is to try hard morally again, with the Bible-reading, etc., and I think maybe my neighbours or other people will show up for me to have short interactions with.

    Reading and sleeping on schedule

    In the past three to four months I have read a few times before I went to bed. It was good, and some nights it was even on time. A few times I have woken up at 6:30-7:00 AM, which is when I think I should wake up every day, hopefully naturally, but I have not kept to this schedule 90% of the time. A lot of times I have gone back to bed and to sleep when I knew it was wrong, or I went to bed in the evening or at night when I knew it was wrong because I was going to end up staying awake all night, which I usually did. (But I didn't look up porn because I don't have any Internet access or television in the house.)

    Okay, I think that's everything I want to post for now.

    I think I should have learned a lot more Japanese by now, though. I haven't been able to print anything out, but I should have been able to... I don't understand what has been going wrong, at least I should have practiced hiragana on the wall or paper by now.


    Actually, I think I got good karma one time to do with the celebrity photo scandal. I viewed this movie trailer for a movie I like and it seemed like the woman actress, who I could have tried to look up naked, was smiling at me a lot because I didn't come close to trying to do that.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    My porn story

    After about 3 months of not looking at porn, mostly because I didn't have a computer or Internet access in my home, I have been viewing it quite a lot lately. I viewed porn 4-5 hours Tuesday and a few hours today, Friday. This resets my porn counter (my PMO counter below is not right--I can't reset it right now).

    This slip, or binge, was caused by me not trying (prayer, turning off the electronics and leaving them off, sleeping at night, eating well, socialising regularly, exercising or meditating), and from it being 75 days or over since a porn session. I haven't started exercising regularly yet, but I think I can start running for 10 to 20 minutes 2-3 times a week.

    Also I have been extremely tired from not sleeping at night, and not sleeping much during the day, either. This is what has been allowing me to just look up Internet porn even though I know it's wrong. Normally I get triggered by something sexy on some other Web site, like some kind of portal or news Web site for pornography, though; or television.

    I have several times refrained from porn and masturbation for 3 or 4 days to a week or so. When I do that I feel a lot happier and my thoughts are more optimistic and I get a lot of good ideas I can write down on paper, most of the time I do.

    But recently over the past month or so or two I have been doing masturbation (edging) in bed and not trying not to, which usually works. I think it's to do with my environment. A person made a really, extremely good post to my journal a while back saying it seemed like my environment was the problem. I think this was extremely insightful and helpful and I am very very grateful to them. Yes, I think my environment did not help because I had all my television, computer and everything else almost within arms reach and it was a small environment. Now I have a small basement apartment with no television and only a somewhwat working really old computer without Internet access, but it's still my environment that's the problem because it's too small, it's unhealthy, and I have a hard time leaving it (going for a walk or going, for something in a store, or going out to socialise). I think this is what is leading to me masturbating all the time. It reminds me of the "Masturbation in captivity" article on [link=http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/"]Your Brain On Porn[/a].

    I also noticed that 90% of my sexual thoughts to get me started with masturbating were really unlikely (or impossible) fantasies with ex-girlfriends, and so I decided to try to see if I could be friends, make things right with them and talk to them and this would bring in a reality which could make the fantasies go away. This may have helped a little or may have made it worse. In any case I haven't actually talked to them. (I only have a few, like 3 or so.)

    So I have done a few MOs in my house without porn, and a lot of M to sexual fantasies and porn fantasies, fantasies about looking up porn. Yes, I have the fantasy of that. And today I just did a classic PMO with miserable results like I always get, just like when I was at the most recent place I lived and before that while I lived with my dad and was using the Internet every day.

    I have also successfully had a few, 3 or 4, good, healthy, not sexually addicted MOs in my home, about once a month or so. These only happen when I think I really can't take it anymore, and they happen almost unconsciously and without any planning. If there's any planning it's not a healthy MO, it's just masturbation and it will reduce your progress on rebooting from PMO. This only happens after 1 or 2 days of thinking about sex and I really can't stop and the masturbation session uses no porn or fantasies of porn, and hardly any sexual fantasies at all, if any. It seems to only involve one thing in my imagination or thought that gets me aroused and the masturbation session is over in 2 or 3 minutes--or seconds!!

    Afterwards, if it was a good MO, I might feel guilty about it for a while, but not that long. It might be a few hours or minutes, but if it's a bad, wrong MO I might feel guilty for days or weeks and it doesn't seem to have any bad consequences or results in my life. Also the item in my imagination, or the thought or idea I had that got me aroused, are not really porn-related at all, and maybe not even that graphically sexual. But anyway, after a good MO I get a little relief from the constant difficulty thinking that I have will refraining from MO for a day or so, which is more like a good consequence, and no real bad consequences at all.

    A bad, unhealthy MO done to extensive sexual or porn fantasy or porn memories really ruins things and gives me bad results and consequences makes me feel like crap for days, and I'm sure it ruins my no-PMO progress, too, as well as making me feel seriously guilty for days or even up to two weeks.

    So I have discovered what seems to be some clear differences between a good, healthy MO and a wrong, unhealthy masturbation to orgasm session.

    I want to get television or Internet access in my apartment or move to where there is some. Then the battle against PMO will begin in earnest--I will have to make a to-do list every time before I turn on my computer, and be mature and careful about things I watch on television, and generally do everything else I have to do to do with rebooting too (sleeping at night, eating right, exercise, etc.)

    I think I was wrong not to post more regularly for the past 3 to 6 months even taking into account I have no Internet access at home--I could have gone over to my dad's house more often to do that. I'm sorry, to anyone out there if they actually care. I am still generally very thankful to the others here in this forum, and the forum itself.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I may have discovered reading legal e-books as a temporary replacement for pornography. I downloaded over ten thousand e-books that are in the public domain a year or two ago and I finally copied some to my computer to read while I was alone in my apartment and with nothing to do. I don't have Internet or TV yet. So far I have read or started to read five or six books, and three are a big hit with me including a long one over a hundred years old about common sense and sex, which is explaining some things to me about sex that I wasn't entirely sure about, mainly that we all get a sex drive, even women, and things like that.

    Mainly I have been failing to reboot because I keep jerking off in bed to sexual fantasies, which often include porn fantasy, either way they overlap too much for me to reboot. So my masturbation chart says M or Mx2 (times two) for almost every day for the past week since I last looked at porn I think Sunday early this week or Friday of last week. I am still extremely tempted to look up Internet porn, maybe even more now than ever before, even though now I think it's more wrong than ever before. (I think it's wrong because of the destructiveness done to my own sexuality and myself, and the poor quality of the Web sites and their owners, and the rampant complete exploitation of the women and girls and maybe men involved.)

    So mostly I haven't been trying. I don't like the stress level of having to sleep at night, stay awake for the day, eat healthy, but not too much, or too little, exercise, shave, bathe, socialise, get food, pray, meditate, read wise books, the Bible, and something like socialising healthily doesn't seem to be up to me unless I am living extremely expertly perfectly well. Maybe I make things things 10 or 20 times harder than they are and the stress level comes from there, but also it's because common place things seem very difficult to me like where I live or going grocery shopping. Maybe I have additional difficulties which I should look into instead of trying to quit Internet porn.

    But I could still not masturbate in bed for a few minutes every morning and every evening. I could refuse. I have done that in the past few months successfully and I liked most of the results of it. I thought clearer and I got to write stuff down. But I didn't get to take any action, which frustrates me and does something else to me, harms me emotionally or psychologically perhaps.

    At any rate I am not taking quitting Internet porn seriously, perhaps because I do not earnestly, seriously sincerely believe Your Brain On Porn and all the many, many, many other posts in here that Internet porn addiction is a real thing despite the fact that my experience has been exactly exactly exactly like what Gary Wilson on Your Brain On Porn and all the other people here describe. It may be that I just don't want to deal with it or am telling myself that I can manage it. I am not really treating it like it was an addiction to hard drugs, which I think it is really like, like morphine, cocaine, heroin or hashish or something. I haven't done any of these drugs but I suspect it's more like morphine than any of the other ones.

    Either way I'll have to get to the honest thinking like you are supposed to have in rehab and I don't know how I'll do it in my present circumstances because they're too unusual or not normal and I am not sure how I will be able to do it alone without anyone in real life thinking I have a drug problem like with hard drugs.

    But that's my current situation. Not trying because I think it's too much stress and I don't think it's going to work out anyway in my present circumstances.

    Maybe I'm just not taking Gary Wilson and Your Brain On Porn and the rest of you guys seriously, the way they would in mainstream society, some kind of joke or fringe thing for sick people or incompetent people who never or don't do anything. Maybe I shouldn't even post unless I am trying most days or every do to quit Internet porn.

    I want to talk to CrazyGopher in message about my tendencies to download and install packages on my preferred computer operating system as an addictive-like behaviour similar to Internet porn and maybe several other things too, like my massive difficulty having any kind of social interactions, even here, how to end up or keep using my preferred computer operating system (he prefers it too), one other thing he mentioned in message to me once, how how to keep an eye on another user, Fiddler, because I think teamwork might be good for that kind of thing. But all of this is probably too late. Maybe I'll send him this post in message.
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I still haven't looked at porn since the last time about two weeks ago. I keep doing M in bed in the morning or evening, or after I wake up or go to sleep. If I could stop doing that I think I would slowly reboot. I am tempted to look at a few porn sites I have in mind nowadays, and also the idea occurred to me to download porn and view it at my house, which I hope I never do. I hope I never view porn again.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I looked at some porn on-line today through searching for it on Google. It was about 10 images, but not a four-to-five hour-long porn session.

    I read Scipio's really great journal, and he also is having his sleep messed up and also is reading books and also feels the extreme need to be creative, even when he's home and alone and can't really do much, if anything. He also has difficulty going out of the house, which I experience a lot too. I'm going to post this to his journal, too, I think. I think he seems to be a bit of a bad-a--.

    When I am at my apartment, I sometimes keep thinking of my one to four favourite porn sites, but really, it's more like one to fifty. I keep thinking of looking at them, and of buying or getting a Fleshlight or other male sexual device and just buying porn sites and living in that morality. I guess this is because I am extremely lonely and bored.

    Getting a video game console, cable TV, a DVD player and VCR might help me be less idle and irritable in my own home. I have rarely anything to do there. I need a job. Maybe I should have a job.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    PM and MO yesterday, basically PMO.

    Results of porn:
    - something bad always seems to happen to a supporter or friend of mine, or someone I love or care about
    - often times something to do with the theme of what I have looked at appears in the news someway in a negative way
    - see vaginas and things that I don't really need to see, or see things or people that remind me of people I know
    - makes me a little depraved
    - secretive behaviour makes me act weird
    - penis always feels shrunken and small afterwards
    - images stay with me for a very long time
    - makes it very hard not to think of sexual thoughts or masturbate later
    - always behave very rashly and irrational afterwards
    - often do something unintentionally destructive to my life afterwards
    - often make a serious fool of myself afterwards
    - continues to get me further addicted to Internet porn
    - continues to ruin my brain and ability to think, plan, deal with reality
    - makes me feel guilty
    - gives me anxiety
    - gives me anger and makes me rebellious
    - makes me anxious and gives me indecision about doing anything, or rashness
    - distracts me from my day, wastes hours or my whole day, or a week or two
    - increases extreme loneliness
  15. Baka34

    Baka34 New Member

    Hm. I suggest you simply say "no" to porn. It is a difficult mindset but your mind is where mine was about 10 days ago. I have managed to not even get a desire to peak at the stuff. I can only thank god and a pinch of luck for that but it helps.

    Whenever I have an urge to look at porn, or actually it is becoming an urge to check in I come here. I no longer go and look at any of that stuff. Not even the header images because those are what lead me to more.
  16. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I second Baka32 suggestion, the mindset to acquire is that porn is not an option, even if you sit in front of your unprotected pc all day long, as I often do. It's something that shouldn't cross your mind anymore, something that is not available to you anymore: those are the thoughts that should fill your brain whenever an urge comes. It's very hard to change from an addicted mind to one like I'm describing but start small, start telling yourself that in a few months PMO won't intrigue you anymore, that in your adult life you won't have any need for it, that the man you will be won't be a man that spend his time jerking off alone in his room. Thoughts like these. Start telling yourself them every day and some changes will happen.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    No porn since last. Refused to M in bed for almost a whole day or something, which seemed like the longest period in a long time.

    You two are both right. Thanks, men. But I'm not going to do it. [ Edit: ] I'm going to try to to get into the porn is not an option.
    But I am going to try the NoA(rousal) approach again, and deleting this hosts file blocklist-free operating system from my
    computer, and putting on some operating system which I can put the hosts file blocklist back on.

    I should really make some kind of structure for my life, taking up basically 24/7 of my week, but I have nothing to do to fill it up with.
    If I had a professional employment or school I could do that to fill up a lot of time, but mostly I have trouble just getting out of the

    I guess I should go back to having a strict daily routine with Bible-reading and a lot of praying, and generally trying to be good. I
    also have to be careful to be awake during the day, but I also think I should get enough sleep, so I'm not sure what to do. I have
    been good lately as far as sleeping at night, though. I have only been reading boring books at night which helps me go to sleep.
    This is what leads to the best improvements in my life (sleeping at night, Bible-reading, etc.).

    Yeah, me not trying is not helping me focus or think straight.

    Also it might be helpful if I moved into a better apartment.
  18. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Why not? I mean, do you have a better way to deal with urges or do you believe it doesn't work?
  19. transit

    transit New Member

    is there an option for you to just give up internet. dont have it at home. and buy a normal cell phone, not a smart one with inet capabilties
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Why not, because I don't want to force myself into the mindset because I think it'll break something else in my mind, and I think it won't work unless I am subconsciously prepared for it. If I think there's not going to be any sexual contact, or any fake or false intimacy or pleasure or comfort for me for forever, I think I'm just going to force something in my mind and I'm going to break it. I think I have to come up with some alternatives for both porn and the idea of any kind of pleasure, company or contact.

    I think I have to spend a short time regularly, every three days or so, regularly going over the idea that I will have to go without so-called adult sites or ever seeing a nude person, without having earned it, ever again. I think eventually my subconscious mind will catch up and remember the other ways there are for pleasure and happiness, such as real friends and sunny days with bicycle rides and real relationships and things like that. I think if I force myself now my mind won't get it, it will just think "no going and doing anything for pleasure or fun or anything, ever" and I'll break my mind and end up in a psych ward somewhere for a very long time.

    Perhaps this is the way my mind works on everything, and it's just my way into the pre-cursors of rebooting, like anyone else here who realises that they have to let go of their fake 'harem', collection of adult sites with women in them, or at least images of women. I haven't done that yet. I think it'll take a long time.

    I think it's just the way my mind works. It just takes extremely long times on big things, most if it is happening subconsciously. I think I am making progress, and obviously I have because it's about 30 times less bad than when I started, but I am maybe hesitating now thinking it wasn't so bad after all, and that I want to go back, for like one hour every three days or something. Yes, I think that's what I am thinking.

    But I think I'm full of sh-t right now and think I shouldn't be posting.

    Transit, thanks for your suggestion and for reading. I guess it is extremely stupid of me to go over to my dad's house to look up porn on his Internet access.

    I don't have Internet access at home mainly because I just haven't been getting off my proverbial behind to do it, and my cell phone doesn't have Internet capabilities, like you suggest. So right now I have what you specify. I just keep going to my dad's house for the Internet. Most of the time I don't look up porn on it.

    But maybe I shouldn't come here either, unless it's the weekend, and I think it's okay. I'll be more likely to handle it.

    All that said I am going to get Internet and TV in my apartment when I can, I'll just leave my computer off most of the time and leave my hosts file filter on when I'm on the computer.

    I'm also going to keep the off-line PC idea going. I'll download as much as I can to a portable harddisk and save it and take it over to another PC I have in the apartment, and use it there.

    I have to go now before I look up Internet porn. I have no filtering on this installed operating system. I should probably fix that, too.

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