I quit

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Pornfree Wanderer, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. Pornfree Wanderer

    Pornfree Wanderer New Member

    41 years old from Gold Coast, Australia. I've been a porn addict since my mid teens.

    As of now I quit for good. If I ever use porn again, it will be because of a conscious decision I have made to re-use.

    I'm fed up with "trying to quit". It's bullshit. When we quit, we quit. End of story. Quitting takes only a second. Recovery takes longer, and this is what I hope to journal here.

    I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I used to listen to this growing up, but it's an approrpriate song for how I feel right now. I quit.

  2. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Good job. I'm no great recovery poster, but I am proud of you. Keep on recovering.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  3. Pornfree Wanderer

    Pornfree Wanderer New Member

    Thanks Guy, and don't be too hard on yourself. We learn far more from our mistakes than from our successes, so you might be better than you think.

    Today was the day of that tired old fapped-out feeling that follows a binge on porn. You know the one, no energy, no focus, nothing seems to excite except the occasional tug of the chaser effect that makes me want to chase even more porn. I suppose the one good thing to come out of all my past relapses is that I've become very good at dealing with this issue, and so getting through the day wasn't a problem for me. I actually got invited to an event at a Buddhist Temple. I decided to go, not because I'm religious, but because I needed to get out of the house for a while. It also helped me meet some new people, it was a decent day over all.

    Here's the biggest thing to come out of today. I have proved to myself that I can live without porn. Seriously. I'm not in the business of beating myself up over a relapse, but if I can stay clean for one day, there is no reason I can't stay clean forever by doing it one day at a time for the rest of my life. I really am sick of feeling tired and fapped out, and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel that way ever again.

  4. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Welcome to the journey Wanderer.

    That is exactly how the reboot started for me (-:
    Pornfree Wanderer likes this.
  5. Pornfree Wanderer

    Pornfree Wanderer New Member

    Another day without porn. Got some things done, didn't get time to get to certain others, blah blah blah.

    Today I was thinking about our consumer culture. Specifically I was thinking about the way we treat other people as consumer objects. I mean that quite literally, we expend time, money, sometimes even our health in an attempt to get attention or sexual gratification from certain people. It isn't just limited to prostitution, that's merely the most obvious form. What about men who sacrifice time, money and even their health on trips to bars to try to impress women? What about women who sacrifice their money and dignity to go to the same bars dressed a certain way to try to draw attention to themselves?

    And of course, at the end of the night we feel somehow cheated if we spent all that time and money and came home without a woman (or man) to show for it. So we sulk about it. We turn to porn telling ourselves "We don't need them anyway. I can find someone hotter who will do things that slut at the bar won't anyway. I'll show her!". This is something a seven year old does when he realises he isn't getting the latest gaming console for Christmas.

    It really is a sad reflection on our modern society. We feel like we should be able to buy anything or anyone we desire, if only we can get enough money. The irony of all this is that in pursuing money in that way, we actually get further away from it. One proven way to acquire money is to spend less and save/invest more. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating we all live like hermits, eschew wordly possessions, grow all our own food, etc (although I wouldn't knock anyone who did this). But maybe it's time we asked ourselves if all this shit we're chasing is really going to make us any happier in the long term. Maybe we'd all be happier if we just spent a bit more time meditating, reading or spending more time in nature. Maybe we'd attract better quality women if we spend more time exercising and taking better care of our health than drinking ourselves stupid at a seedy bar somewhere.
    onesea likes this.
  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It's always a conscious decision to use. I wasn't conscious of that little factoid for the first few years of trying to get clean, nor did I realize I was even an addict for the years and years.

    That's part of what addiction is...blindness. Darkness.

    If you're questioning our culture and how messed up and confusing it's messages generally are, then you're on your way to recovery; it's all related.

    Pornfree Wanderer likes this.
  7. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    These are the things I am finding out rebooting, lol. The better quality women and all, but wait a minute it sounds like I am talking about a commodity. ;)

    Our brains respond to instant gratification... But that makes our brains more stupid in the long run...
    Pornfree Wanderer likes this.
  8. Pornfree Wanderer

    Pornfree Wanderer New Member

    Thanks for your replies, guys. I'm tired after a busy day, so I'm about to go to bed. I was going to write something more about the consumerist culture, but it's gone out of my head for now and will have to wait.

    I'm actually really looking forward to building a pornfree life and feeling a lot better today than I have for the last few days. Honestly, I'll be so glad to put this time and energy consuming addiction to bed and see what life truly has to offer me.
    Saville likes this.
  9. Pornfree Wanderer

    Pornfree Wanderer New Member

    Very tired today. I woke up at 1.30am this morning and just couldn't get back to sleep. I was still surprisingly coherent for most of the day though, so I must be doing something right.

    Amazingly, I still occasionally get an urge to watch porn, but when I'm this tired it goes away fairly quickly. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight.

    I'm also working at staying away from a lot of other forms of media too. We talked about the mixed messages from our modern culture earlier. This is especially true when it comes to things like sex. We're constantly sold a bill of good about how wonderful sex supposedly is. Television advertisements and music videos today would have probably been considered pornographic 30 years ago, yet sex and instant gratification are what's sold to us 24/7. Yet a person who takes things just a little bit too far (either by sleeping with someone they weren't supposed to, or looking at something on the Internet they weren't supposed to) faces the possibility of shame, denouncement and even arrest in some cases.

    You know, I've been reading about monk mode lately on some of the Red Pill subreddits, and it's starting to look like a very appetising prospect.
  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Boy is that the truth!
    Stand strong PW
  11. onesea

    onesea Active Member

    Like your observations Wanderer. Welcome!

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