I need help.

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by PAXOE, Aug 14, 2018.

  1. PAXOE

    PAXOE New Member

    I am 18. I started masturbating at a young age, 11 i think. It started off with soft porn, and i slowly progressed into hard porn. About 4 years ago I started watching kinky porn, especially cross-dressing hypno videos.

    In my peak, I was masturbating 3-4 times a day on cross-dressing hypno or images with captions about the fantasy. I have a very strong case of PIED. When i watch porn, even straight porn, I always get a boner. However, in real life, I can't get an erection with a girl (as I could at the age of 12/3 for example) and can only get hard with the thought of cross-dressing gay thoughts.

    I have never been gay and I believe I am not, the thought sickens me, especially since I know before the addiction I wasn't. However, I'm worried that the porn addiction has turned me gay (if that's possible), or at least too far addicted such that a reboot is too far out of reach. I hope not.

    Recently, I tried to do it with a girl I have always fancied, but I couldn't get a boner (on multiple occasions) and the only way I could get hard was by imagining the porn fantasies. She eventually left for another guy.

    I was depressed after realising I have PIED and could've turned myself gay. I have never really had suicidal tendencies, but after thinking about the porn situation, and the fact that I'm missing out on sex, important for teens at my age, I tried to kill myself, which has only left my parents more worried than ever.

    I have no idea what to do. I would give up everything just to have my pre-addiction mindset & sexuality back but I don't know how to reboot as you guys seem to be able to do. Do I just not fap and avoid sex for a year until I'm ready? I feel like that won't be strong enough, and I fear the suicide and depression may replaces.

    I appreciate this post is too personal to be helpful but I'm all out of ideas. Help is very much needed and appreciated.
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2018

    NRMNRM New Member

    I think you should be more kind to yourself. Porn is not going to change your fundamental sexual orientation, nor is PIED, if indeed you have it. Realise you are only 18, so the "pre-addiction sexuality" is from an age when you were not yet fully mature, and you still are not. At your age you don't look back, you look forward. It is very common to have doubts about our sexuality at your age, as many of us find out that it is not a black or white issue. Don't even bother asking whether you have "turned gay": I would get off porn, get off masturbation for at least a couple of months and understand what I feel. The label can wait. You may find out you get a regular straight response, you may find out you can't get off the straight kink you have, or you may find out that you are indeed not 100% straight. All is fine, as long as you find a compatible partner. Not that difficult nowadays. Focus on improving yourself by eliminating external stimuli, don't worry about "missing out" at your age, and be ready to love yourself no matter what.

    All this will not be easy, but you are definitely not the first person on earth to have had difficult times with sexuality and pornography during adolescence. It is very, very common, so try and stay positive!

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