Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Bluedrago239, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. Bluedrago239

    Bluedrago239 New Member

    Ok here goes: Im 17 years old and I’ve had a porn addiction (that I realized) for about 3.5 years. 9- the middle of 12th grade.

    I’m making a lot of lifestyle changes like my diet,exercise, positive thoughts and NoFap

    The thing is , over the last 2 years of my addiction, I’d use porn as a huge escape and rarely interact with other people (barely any girls) and I felt no attraction to real girls, only those in porn. I always liked and was attracted to girls, never guys. Even the thought never came up so it wasn’t like I repressed it.

    The graphic intensity has also gone up: I went from vanilla pictures to crazy gangbangs and then trans and finally ended up in gay porn about 3 months ago.

    I’ve always ALWAYS been straight. Never a thought of interacting with another guy in any way other than platonic. The thought of guys having sex used to make me sick before. Now it’s dominates my sexual thoughts. It’s all sexual attraction too. Kissing, romance, heavy touching grosses me out. I also don’t like guys my own age or close. Only the older guys for some reason (gross as it sounds)

    I know for a fact this is because of the porn because on my last NoFap streak I went about 30 days (20 don’t count because I edged (to straight porn)) without orgasming and had almost no sexual attraction to guys. It was gone. Obviously it’s going to take more than 90 days to completely flush it out but at 30 days I could see the results.

    Then when I relapsed after a streak, the thoughts come flooding back and I ended up having an encounter (2-4 days post relapse). I met up with a guy from a hookup site for oral sex. I gave him oral sex and that was that. I don’t know why I did it. It was never something I thought I’d do. I was super horny when it went down because it felt so “taboo”

    And I felt terrible afterwards and I don’t want to do it again. Will this seriously affect me? Luckily he was a nice guy (and older)

    I know I’m coming off strong but I need some help please. I know I’m straight and I know I’ve always been that way. It’s always been girls and everything about them. But the past 3 months these thoughts and porn have been bugging me and making me do things I really don’t want to do and feel horrible about later. Am i fucked up forever or is this something that can be fixed with 90 days hardmode (no fantasizing or edging) and moving past what I did?

    I realize that what I did was clearly a gay act but all the gay thoughts I had suddenly started 3 months ago. NONE BEFORE THAT. Absolutely zero. It grossed me out before. But whenever I went on a streak for more than 20 days, the thoughts, fantasies, and urges for the taboo (gay sex) almost disappeared. I can imagine 100-120 days as a total reboot but the encounter is what’s worrying me. It was an experiment and I just want to be able to move past it. I feel horrible whenever I remember what I did and how into it I was at the time since I was so horny. Please help me guys.

    Thank you so so so so much
  2. alicenaraa

    alicenaraa New Member

    I think you are not a real gay. You did that things as your accident thought. You can try to find a girlfriend and test whether you can accept the females. Also, you can try out some hookup apps such as tinder, lucky, pure and down.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
  3. Bluedrago239

    Bluedrago239 New Member

    Thanks for the reply!
    I know I like females. I always have. I still fantasize heavily about them. I think I just have to go the 90+ days to rewire and all this will be gone.
  4. biggleii

    biggleii Member

    Can I ask how times a day you were masturbating at the peak of your addition?
  5. Bluedrago239

    Bluedrago239 New Member

    Around 2-3 times at the peak
  6. GAN.KI

    GAN.KI Member

    It seems simple to me: You are deftly NOT gay if you are telling the truth in this message.

    Solution: Leave all this mess and pretend as if nothing happened. What would you do in that case: hang out with women!

    So: Just hang out with women and don't think about what happened. At all. Keep things breezy. You're just a young guy, going to school, having fun, going to the gym, eating right, NOT messing your balance up (for now) with alcohol/weed/drugs. And if it's a nice girl that is openminded and stuff, who knows, maybe you could tell her the truth even. There is some lovely funny crazy nonjudgemental girls out there :)!
  7. Jose bell

    Jose bell New Member

    Hi.. after reading everything i think You are normal guy like every other guys, i don't see any physiological issue into you. What ever you did in the past it was accident and attraction towards physical activity, and because of porn's you brainwashed your mind by yourself.
    my suggestion would be Don't underestimate yourself any more from now onward and make friends, or make girlfriend, date her , spend quality time with her, share things with her it will help you soon to divert you from your past accident. Good luck

    NRMNRM New Member

    You're just 17, so trust me, you don't know shit about your sexuality. If I were you, I'd cut both porn and obsessing about your urges. I think you should reboot with the goal to understand and accept your sexuality, not to change or steer it in the direction you like. That's just gonna make you obsess even more and lead only to frustration and unhappiness. You will find out soon enough if you're indeed straight, gay, or somewhere in the middle. The good thing is that, in any case, you are not "fucked up", you are exploring your sexuality and that is normal and healthy. Whatever you find out is also normal and healthy. I don't even believe you should try and forget about your "accident": it's just not going to happen, you don't get to decide on what you remember or forget. A gay encounter is something many mostly straight guys try. Accept it and move on to the next chapter: unless you put yourself in physical danger, you did nothing wrong, take it as a positive step in your personal growth. You may in fact want to try with a girl, when the time comes, but again don't force or over-analyse things. Quit porn and learn to love yourself for who you are.

    TL;DR: Don't try a reboot to change yourself, reboot to find yourself.
    yearofchange likes this.
  9. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Can't agree with NRMNRM more. Stop trying to "be straight" and just try to be more accepting and willing to explore whatever your sexuality is and what it entails. Yes, horniness can indeed make us do things that don't fall in our natural orientation. And yes, it can be quite disconcerting when it happens. My advice is to learn not to fight with it. If you fight with it, want it 'gone', want it to go out of your memory as if it never happened, sorry. That's just a truth pill you're going to have to swallow. If you continue to fight it it's only going to become stronger and more persistent and pervasive, causing you more and more mental suffering.

    Instead, be like, "huh wow. that's what can happen when my sexual needs are not met, it can persuade me, hijack my brain, and make me do things that I would never do in my right mind."

    No guilt. No judgment. Just objective, observing. Like a scientist, figuring out how sexuality works in your brain and body.

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