I must change. I will change.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Peaceful Warrior, Jun 12, 2012.

  1. Peaceful Warrior

    Peaceful Warrior New Member

    Hey.

    23 years old. Have been down with the PMO for 10 years and have been extremely dependent on it for the last 5 years (college). I've been clean now for what will be 18 days today :D

    Basically, college was a shitty time for me, mostly because of my chosen major and university. Yea, there were times that were great (exchange overseas being one of them), but overall my decision in this regard is one of the greatest regrets I have in life. I became pretty seriously depressed as a result, and one of the few places I found refuge was porn. Sad but true. It provided me with much needed doses of dopamine to keep me going when I was studying my ass off for exams and pulling all nighters for projects. And when those deadlines would be over, it provided me with dopamine as a means of celebrating. Although I didn't know then what I knew now (thanks to YBOP), I always knew in the back of my mind that the frequency with which I was PMOing and the dependency I was building was NOT fucking healthy. But I never had seen real evidence of it, and plus, it helped me get through my studies.

    I inherited a very addictive personality from my mother to start with, and after half a decade's worth of truly crack-head-like behavior with PMO (maybe I'll write about some instances another time), I really carved out some very detrimental pathways in my neurology. In recent years I've found it really hard to make it a day without downspiraling into binges of PMO, movies, video games, etc.

    Anyway, I got my fucking degree. It was painful, but I did it. Now I'm here on the other end, and I finally have the time and resources to assess the damage that my indulgences have inflicted on my character. Shit ain't pretty. Years of addictive PMO tendencies and frustration during college have wrecked me in many ways. It's destroyed my: self-esteem, confidence socially and with women, trust in myself, ability to strive for long-term goals where effort doesn't provide immediate pleasure, my sexual experiences i.e. given my ED during sex and yet rock-hard boners when fantasizing during car rides (so fucking annoying), and overall has made it difficult to enjoy the natural joys life has to offer. All psychological, all theoretically reversible. There is NO EFFING WAY that I will be able to live the kind of life I want without healing myself in these aspects. I must change. I will change. That or I might as well not live at all. PMO, compulsive self-criticism, lack of social/dating life, and laziness with regards to achievement in business are the biggest things to tackle right now. With regards to the first enemy on that list, and the reason I am here... the goal is to:
    - give up the P altogether, forever.
    - give up the M for 90 days minimum.
    - limit if not eliminate all visual-based sexual fantasies
    I give myself permission to fuck and orgasm during sex as much as I want

    I will use this journal to:
    - track the positive effects I notice as a result of 'rebalancing my brain'
    - track the nature of my urges, and the strategies I experiment with to tame them
    - induce a feeling of 'accountability' to others on this forum
    - vent, if need be

    It's messed up that I am dealing with these issues, and I have massive feelings of regret, guilt, resentment towards myself for letting it get this bad. But I can't do anything about what it is. All I can do is live each moment with intention. And if one of my intentions at this stage in my life is not to touch myself for good reason hahahahaha then so be it. Each time I tell my urges to take a fucking hike, I win another major battle. I get stronger. Day 18. Getting here was extremely difficult, but I had the mistakes of several earlier failed attempts (< 8 days each) to learn from. I've got a good feeling about this run.
     
  2. Peaceful Warrior

    Peaceful Warrior New Member

    Just fucked up a few hours ago, not in the worst way, but nevertheless. MO'd

    Why the urge took control of my actions:
    - Couldn't sleep. Mind justified that this would help me fall asleep which would benefit me tmrw
    - Fantasies just kept creeping up. Not porn related per se, but re girls I know. I had a boner I couldn't get rid of in bed, and I knew that if I got up from bed I definitely wouldn't be sleeping for another hour minimum
    - Mind convinced me that it's been 19 days, and so it's probably fine to jack off once without porn. It promised that I would only do it in a healthy way.... that is, while thinking of sensations of sex and realistic scenarios rather than porn related fetishes. Started off fine but turns out that pron-related shit did come up as I was finishing, couldn't control it. Only confirms that work still needs to be done.

    What I'm changing this time:
    - I must remind my mind of the rational reasons that PMO (even MOing without P at this point) is harmful. After 19 days this message was diluted in my head. Solution: as part of this whole endeavor, commit to spending 5min a day reading a YBOP article.
    - Be more strict about eliminating fantasies. Yes, they feel good, and provide distraction from daily life. But they're not fucking helping. Solution: try the elastic band idea I read about a few weeks ago. Wear an elastic band around wrist and any time a PMO- related thought appears, or sexual fantasy... snap it hard enough that it's unpleasant.

    Trying not to beat myself up for this. Keep rational, keep calm, and try again...this time more intelligently. Day 20 without P, Day 1 without MO. keep going.
     

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