Hey. 23 years old. Have been down with the PMO for 10 years and have been extremely dependent on it for the last 5 years (college). I've been clean now for what will be 18 days today Basically, college was a shitty time for me, mostly because of my chosen major and university. Yea, there were times that were great (exchange overseas being one of them), but overall my decision in this regard is one of the greatest regrets I have in life. I became pretty seriously depressed as a result, and one of the few places I found refuge was porn. Sad but true. It provided me with much needed doses of dopamine to keep me going when I was studying my ass off for exams and pulling all nighters for projects. And when those deadlines would be over, it provided me with dopamine as a means of celebrating. Although I didn't know then what I knew now (thanks to YBOP), I always knew in the back of my mind that the frequency with which I was PMOing and the dependency I was building was NOT fucking healthy. But I never had seen real evidence of it, and plus, it helped me get through my studies. I inherited a very addictive personality from my mother to start with, and after half a decade's worth of truly crack-head-like behavior with PMO (maybe I'll write about some instances another time), I really carved out some very detrimental pathways in my neurology. In recent years I've found it really hard to make it a day without downspiraling into binges of PMO, movies, video games, etc. Anyway, I got my fucking degree. It was painful, but I did it. Now I'm here on the other end, and I finally have the time and resources to assess the damage that my indulgences have inflicted on my character. Shit ain't pretty. Years of addictive PMO tendencies and frustration during college have wrecked me in many ways. It's destroyed my: self-esteem, confidence socially and with women, trust in myself, ability to strive for long-term goals where effort doesn't provide immediate pleasure, my sexual experiences i.e. given my ED during sex and yet rock-hard boners when fantasizing during car rides (so fucking annoying), and overall has made it difficult to enjoy the natural joys life has to offer. All psychological, all theoretically reversible. There is NO EFFING WAY that I will be able to live the kind of life I want without healing myself in these aspects. I must change. I will change. That or I might as well not live at all. PMO, compulsive self-criticism, lack of social/dating life, and laziness with regards to achievement in business are the biggest things to tackle right now. With regards to the first enemy on that list, and the reason I am here... the goal is to: - give up the P altogether, forever. - give up the M for 90 days minimum. - limit if not eliminate all visual-based sexual fantasies I give myself permission to fuck and orgasm during sex as much as I want I will use this journal to: - track the positive effects I notice as a result of 'rebalancing my brain' - track the nature of my urges, and the strategies I experiment with to tame them - induce a feeling of 'accountability' to others on this forum - vent, if need be It's messed up that I am dealing with these issues, and I have massive feelings of regret, guilt, resentment towards myself for letting it get this bad. But I can't do anything about what it is. All I can do is live each moment with intention. And if one of my intentions at this stage in my life is not to touch myself for good reason hahahahaha then so be it. Each time I tell my urges to take a fucking hike, I win another major battle. I get stronger. Day 18. Getting here was extremely difficult, but I had the mistakes of several earlier failed attempts (< 8 days each) to learn from. I've got a good feeling about this run.