I mean it this time.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Throwaway Handle, Jun 25, 2020.

  1. Day 4:

    So far, so good. Yesterday I experienced something a bit odd - I was fine until around 9 in the evening, then i went out to get some food (against my dietary rules) almost automatically. I realized that I was acting on autopilot and stopped myself, then came back home and immediately almost relapsed. I closed the window in time nevertheless, but it seems like the cause of this was due to a depletion of willpower. I'm going to try and rest periodically during the day just to make sure this doesn't recur.
     
  2. Day 5-

    Here's a quick recap of how its gone for me:
    last night, lots of cravings up until like 2 am
    this morning, milder cravings, came close to relapse
    right now, just tired and despondent.

    ill be away for a few days after this so dont think ive given up
     
    Shady likes this.
  3. Day 9 -

    Holy fuck, I feel great. I've read a fair amount of rebooting accounts and it's interesting to see how differently everything 'clicks' for people. Someone might have a new perspective that's very helpful to you, or treat something that you considered fairly obvious as a world-shaking realization. I suppose there's a difference between simply knowing something about porn addiction, and understanding how to apply it to your own life.

    I got that a couple of days ago, it occurred to me that I should get more in touch with my emotions. It's an enormous cliche, admittedly, but I noticed that I was turning to porn to avoid having to deal with how I was feeling. Whenever I was stressed, or anxious, or frustrated, I was frequently tempted to relapse. For the past few days, though, I've been examining myself whenever I get cravings, and really looking at the emotional roots of this addiction.

    You could call it an emotional firewall - whenever I feel negative emotions, and often when I feel positive ones, I experience urges, and resort to pornography to avoid having to deal with them. Yet there's really no consequence to dealing with them. If I'm anxious, I can just choose to feel anxious. It's part of the human experience - there's nothing wrong or aberrant with it.

    As soon as I understood this (and I might not be explaining it properly, but I suspect most of you see what I'm getting at) dealing with the cravings became so much easier. I just need to keep at this and I'll be better off in so many ways.
     
    Shady and Kurkuror like this.
  4. Day 2 -

    Unfortunately, I'm not completely better. I started getting urges the night before last, so I did the right thing and got off the computer, then went for a walk outside, then came back and did something else(in my case, drawing), but right after that the urges grew too strong and I relapsed. It wasn't a particularly bad one, however, and I think I've learned a lot from it. Namely that late at night I often don't have the fortitude to resist these cravings, at least not yet. So I'm making a new behavioral rule for myself - if you get urges after 9 pm, just MO quickly and get it over with. From past attempts it seems like as long as I stay away from porn itself I'm fine.
     
    Shady likes this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Sorry to hear that.

    And yes it gets easier.
     
  6. Day 5 -

    Still here. It does indeed get easier. I relapsed the day after my last post, but still, to keep things in perspective, I've relapsed only three times in the past 30 days.

    It's funny, so frequently you relapse, swear you'll never do it again, feel confident for a few days, and then go right back on the wagon. Right now I'm not confident at all, but stressed, unhappy, and anxious, yet I'm basically fine with that. I dont need to regulate my emotions with porn.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  7. Day 7 -

    Nearly a week. Starting to feel physically stronger and more energetic. I also think about porn less, both of using and worrying whether I can quit for real. Some slight shortness of breath.
     
    Shady likes this.
  8. Day 4:

    I meant to write this sooner, as I think it's important to get something down on paper(so to speak) as soon as I've relapsed. Last Saturday I was hanging out with friends, and I relapsed nearly right after coming home. It's frustrating and puzzling that I haven't been able to figure out what deeper reason I had for doing this.

    Nonetheless, (and I don't want to feel obligated to report good news with every single post I make here), I'm starting to feel better. There's a disconnect between my cravings to use porn(which I feel in my head), and my genuine emotions, which I feel closer to my chest. The past month or so I've put effort into becoming more receptive to the latter, and it's starting to happen naturally - my thoughts will chance upon porn, and I'll feel an instinctive disgust moreso than anticipation. I'll actively want to turn my mind to other things.

    Of course, I'm not becoming immune to relapse or anything like that - I've entertained similar notions during previous reboots and that's ended as badly as you can predict. Rather, I'm laying a foundation for something which needs to stand the test of time.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  9. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's better that we become accustomed to observing and acknowledging our thoughts, rather than trying to push them way. Instead of resisting, perhaps we can use them to raise our self awareness and remind ourselves that we have the power of choice.
     
  10. Yeah, I try that and it doesn't always work. Speaking of which -

    Day 1

    Welp, here we go again. I'll be away for nearly a week so don't expect more updates before then.
     
  11. Day 2

    Things were going well, but I think I made a serious mistake attempting to change my replacement activity from drawing to exercise - exercise is good for me but it's more of a chore, doesn't make me feel like I'm getting away from things the way drawing does.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2020
  12. Day 11

    Sorry for the extended absence - I was busy with work and what not. This last kick I've been on has been great - I've instituted a number of habitual changes at once. Computer time is restricted from 2-9pm, to since mornings and evenings are a problem for me. I work out/stretch every morning, and I'm far more disciplined in shutting down disruptive thoughts. The only real issue is recurring insomnia, but I think I'll be over that eventually, and even with half my usual amount of sleep I feel way better than when using porn.
     
    Lowdo and TrueSelf like this.
  13. Day 14

    So far, so good. I've been investigating the physical sensations urging me to relapse and found something interesting - namely that what I feel when I'm tempted to look at porn isn't actually anticipation or pleasure, it's really more like a form of stress. There's this mildly unpleasant burning and pressure in my head and chest, sometimes strong and sometimes faint. When I have looked at porn in the past, I didn't really enjoy it either, it's just that the stress intensified enough to numb me to most other emotions. Worth thinking about.
     
    baywalker and Shady like this.
  14. Day 17

    Today has probably been the toughest day thus far - i came very close to relapsing, but so far I've been able to handle it. My self control is getting better, but I can't allow myself to become careless or overconfident - that has worked out poorly for me in the past.
     
    baywalker, Shady and TrueSelf like this.
  15. Day 21

    I've heard from some people that this is a big milestone, around the point where your dopamine receptors start to really heal. I can't really confirm that here, but I have noticed that the cravings are getting a lot easier to deal with, and I'm feeling inexplicably happy much of the time.
     
  16. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Wow 21 days. That is huge. Good job and keep it up.

    And yes, healing takes time.
    Remember that the damage happened over a very long time, so wait for it. Don't rush it.

    Achievements give you happy feelings. Use that to push you forward. Just don't let it take you over the moon.

    And fill your time with something productive. Something you love doing. Something to fill the void PMO leaves.
     
    Throwaway Handle likes this.
  17. Day 24

    I have noticed a change since the three week mark - I'm feeling tired way more often. The cravings have become somewhat less intense, so I think this is due to my brain taking extra energy to rewire itself. I also had my first wet dream in ages last night, a surefire sign I'm healing
     
  18. Day 27:

    Yesterday was tough. For the last week or so, I've felt this overwhelming pressure in my chest, like there was a heavy weight there. It wasn't painful or physically harmful, (though I did get slightly short of breath at times) only very uncomfortable. It's gradually, gradually getting better. The urges have been stronger since day 24, but I've also developed some resistance to them.
     
    Shady likes this.
  19. moose

    moose Member

    Congrats dude on making it this far. Hope your chest gets better. Keep up the good work!
     
  20. Day 32

    I've passed the one month mark, finally! Here's a general list of changes I've noticed:
    -Significantly more energy. I used to wake up and procrastinate for hours, now I can get right to work with no complaints
    -Brain fog still there, unfortunately
    -I'm feeling far less irritable and grouchy.
    -My voice has noticeably deepened
    -I'm far more confident and deal with setbacks more readily
    -Most incredibly of all, my physique has changed drastically. I've gained around 10 lbs in the past month despite exercising(if anything) slightly less than usual, and it has all been muscle. My arms are thicker and my pecs are considerably more defined.

    Still feeling down in the dumps regularly, but quite good overall.
     
    Shady, birdsky and Bilbo Baggins like this.

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