I mean it this time.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Throwaway Handle, Jun 25, 2020.

  1. I'm 31. I don't enjoy talking about myself, and I just want to keep a journal in a semi-public place. to help me feel more accountable should I be tempted to err. This reboot will be primarily aimed at staying away from pornography, though I might masturbate if I think it'll help avoid a relapse.

    Today is day 1. I'll try to update every day with varying levels of detail.
  2. Day 2 - I slept around 4.5 hours last night, got up early. I still feel fairly energetic. As is usual when I reboot, I'm feeling significant effects already - does anyone else experience a sort of pressure and intense tingling in their skull when they abstain from porn?
  3. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Welcome to the forums @Throwaway Handle

    Is it towards the skull or brain?
  4. Well, in the brain. slightly above my eyes, mostly.

    So I came close to relapsing today, but (barely) managed to stave it off and came here. One thing I've learned is that I use porn as a way to 'unwind' after exerting myself(of course it doesn't work at all, and only places more stress on me physically and mentally, in addition to wasting lots of time). So after I've worked or studied for a bit I'm going to make more of an effort to just take a walk outdoors, or even a nap, or something similar. Need to break the pattern.
    baywalker likes this.
  5. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    I feel some kind of tingling in back of my head while I abstain. Im sure its P related. It starts every time I go few days clean.
  6. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    First of all good job on continuing your abstinence. It will get easier.

    I had a similar feeling around that area in my skull, though it felt more like inside my brain whenever I was triggered. It didn't have anything to do with actually looking at p or pmo'ing. You know that feeling when you are triggered to a point of no return? That's when I felt that similar feeling. Like a buzzing in the brain.

    Secondly, the word you used on your post, 'exerting.' Is that how you feel everyday?
  7. Interesting, I've mentioned that elsewhere and nobody else knew what I meant.

    Day 3 - like day 2, but better. Started to relapse, but stopped very quickly and left the computer to do something else(this is key)
  8. Day 4 -

    So far, so good. I was tempted to relapse while using the computer a bit earlier, but I managed to close the site window after a few seconds. I installed Cold Turkey and have the site block, but for some reason the program stops working at seemingly random intervals. I'll be replacing this computer in a few days anyhow, so that problem might solve itself.
    baywalker likes this.
  9. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    It's an unexpected thing. I was surprised to feel a physical reaction such as that too.
  10. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    I read that people who are getting off benzos have similar sensations.
  11. Damn.

    Day 5: I'm proud of myself for making it this far. Last night, the cravings to relapse were very strong, but I only came close for a moment (walked to the my computer, and immediately turned back and left). I was up until at least 2 AM battling cravings, but right now I'm a satisfied sort of tired. What helps is not merely to withstand my impulses, but to try to pinpoint the core belief at the root of them and attack it logically.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  12. DAY 6

    So far it's more challenging than yesterday, but only a little. There might be some placeholder updates like this one as I'm determined to update this every day I can. If I skip today, I'll start skipping other days and my conviction may waver.
  13. Day 7 - Still here, still doing good. I got some of the worst cravings earlier this afternoon, but they didn't really give me much trouble. I think I'm building momentum.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. Day 8:

    This has been difficult. My brain simply will not leave me the fuck alone. The addiction has been pestering me constantly with the same old refrains and utterly false core beliefs

    "Relapsing just one more time won't hurt"
    "It's easier to just give up"
    "It'll be fun"
    "It's inevitable that you'll relapse"

    I don't think I'm in danger of falling for these again, as countering every argument logically is proving to be very effective approach. But it's tiring. Despite sleeping well last night I'm exhausted today. Not just mentally but physically as well.
    axebattler likes this.
  15. Yeah, what I said before but on steroids. I'm actually getting dizzy now and having a bit of trouble keeping my balance. The cravings are powerful, yet fighting them doesn't really fall into conventional categories of 'easy' and 'hard', because i'm not using my willpower.
  16. Came VERY close to relapsing; posted here instead. Good night.
  17. Day 10:

    I'm still here. I felt like absolute shit yesterday, and came close to relapsing, but not as close as the previous time. Today I'm doing well - I feel a bit more energetic and relaxed. The tingling is present but it's faint and mostly pleasant.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Keep going TH - you're in the right place. :)
  19. Today and yesterday, at least. Not so much last Saturday

    Day 2:

    Yes, I relapsed. It was early in the afternoon, I was struck by a craving different from the kind I'd experienced before. Previously there were strong physical symptoms - exhaustion, pressure in my head/chest, etc. This time, it was just thoughts, but I couldn't figure out how to get them to go away and so I relapsed.

    I've started similar threads on other sites and eventually abandoned them in shame after relapsing - I refuse to do that this time. I intend to hold myself accountable and figure how why I gave in this time, and how to prevent it in the future. With that in mind, I have two questions for anyone reading this:

    1) How can I better resist intrusive thoughts? Simply pushing them away doesn't seem to work, long term. Please suggest anything and everything you consider promising.

    2) Is there any sort of protocol that one should take after a relapse? Obviously they need to be avoided, but I'm wondering if there's any way to make it less likely immediately after the fact.

    TY for reading.
    Shady likes this.
  20. Day 3:

    You know, I'm starting to understand why people wrote those introductory posts, describing their lives and their struggles with porn addiction. I didn't write one and don't plan to, but it does help to give people context for understanding your situation.

    I'll be brief here: I've been actively trying to quit pornography for about four years, and I've had some success in the past - one streak of eight and a half months, and two more of nearly ninety days. I've tried a number of approaches and read a great deal of material, but i seem to keep falling into a consistent pattern - try something new and have it work for a few days/weeks, only to relapse and have it completely stop working.

    Right now, my main "thing" (in addition to spending less time online in the mornings and evenings) is trying to alter my core beliefs, which I'm finding to be:
    "Relapse is inevitable, you can't stop it"
    "Pornography has something positive to offer you" (big one)
    "Porn use will help you relax"
    "You have to relapse because it'll be nice to look at _____ again"
    "You're bored at this will be entertaining"
    "You'll never have a real relationship again"
    "You might as well just give up on life"
    "Thinking about sex will bring something positive in your life"

    So I'm just logically countering them whenever they rear their heads. I've already had one or two sui generis thoughts consistent with my new core beliefs(I don't think I'll bother describing what they are, they're pretty much what you'd expect). It seems to be bearing fruit. After a few more days, maybe I'll add something new.
    baywalker likes this.

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