Great progress Aliveagain! You are really covering a lot with your focus on PMO, alcohol and cigarettes! Very impressive. Give yourself a pat on the back!
@path-foward @Mad Dog - thanks for being here. It's my 8-th day without alcohol and PMO (most important one) and 4-th day without cigarettes so it's not looking bad. I had a quick chat with my ex over the phone and introduced boundaries of our contacts. She called once on the loud speaker while her new bf was listening and I told her to never, ever do this again. I've become very quiet but very assertive and resolute at the same time. Preparing for the end times lurking around the corner.
I promise I will start being more active on other people's journals very soon. Right now I'm trying to put a finger on what I'm really feeling inside. I'm sure I've been going through depression for years, since my mother's death at least, probably longer. I'm not a big fan of big pharma and their magic pills but anti-depressants are doing the magic for me (for the time being). I feel a little bit like not-me, someone on the outside standing next to me and dispassionately observing my life. I beging to make calculated decisions moving forward. It didn't take long from complete desperation and panic to stoic and reserved. Some part must be the chemicals but I suspect there is also a natural self-defense mechanism involved. Something inside of me wants to live good life and is steering me in this direction. I realize there is this huge hole inside of me, where the heart used to be, but the pills give me an insulation from it. So I can simply maintain my day-to-day activities without breaking down in tears or getting a panic attack at work or driving a car. I have uppers for the mornings and downers for the nights. Doses are at the lower end but it works so I will keep taking it for the time being. I'm worried I will have a problem coming down from it, but cbg for the days and good indica for the nights should do the trick. I hope.
Thanks for a reminder. I have a private conversation with someone who's helping me get through this + another person I'm trying to help getting started. I've done this once about 6 years ago and right now I'm implementing the same techniques I used back then.... the greatest obstacle is my depression caused by my wife's departure. She helped me back then, right now I'm on my own... so that's the biggest difference.
You're doing fine. BTW you're co versations are between you an her. Did she prove she didn't know he heard. If not shock her!
Hi Mad Dog. My apologies but I don't know if I fully understand what you mean... My relation with my (ex) wife is getting more and more cold and weird. I don't talk with her about my addiction anymore. We barely talk at all to be honest. She's become cold and distant - like a stranger I don't recognize anymore. She wanted to meet with me to sort out some papers but said she'll come with this other guy, which I declined straight away. In the meantime she met with my friends and took this guy with her which resulted in confustion and some harsh words from my friends (they proved loyal to me). It looks like she can't move anywhere without him in haul - or rather it's him who doesn't allow her to go anywhere without him, even to meet her ex-husband. It all feels very wrong, like she's turned to someone completely different to the person I knew as my wife. As per pmo - I failed over 3 days ago but back on the horse again. Despite all the heaviness I feel in my heart. It's very difficult for me to get out of bed and go about my life but somehow I managed so far. I'm determined to deal with my addiction once and for all. To regain respect to myself and start building back my life.
