I lost my marriage and happiness

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by AliveAgain, Oct 7, 2022.

  1. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    I lost my marriage and a woman I desperately love is with another man right now. This is what porn did to me. Eliminated the need to intimate contact, made me an alien, cold individual distance to the world. Right now I'm engulfed in the sense of guilt and desperation. The only thing on my mind is to somehow get this woman back, to make wrongs right. But she doesn't even want to have a contact with me. It's a disaster of my own making. The disease called addiction to porn destroyed my marriage, my professional life, my mind. I'm in a very dark place but don't feel like giving up.
  2. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    I had to take xanax and couple other tablets to start to function at all. This was necessary to regain some resemblance of normalcy. Let's see what's going to happen
  3. breath

    breath Active Member

    You are a smart person as you are honest with yourself - though marriage / relationships and life are generally not simple enough that we pin point one single thing which went wrong. Everybody makes mistakes, and we often even repeat similar mistakes.

    Because of that alone you will find love and happiness. If she has moved on that is out of your control.

    The great news and the most important thing is that you have unlimited options - unlimited potential in what you do now. Your feeling of desperation makes it feel tragic, and you can't help feel that.

    But what you can do to make things better and better :
    is to ALSO put your energy into refusing to mope and be sad all the time. Smile at people as you go through your day you will get positive energy back. Make that a pattern- try it. Try it relentlessly - even in the face of negativity. Not everyone will appreciate it, but some will...

    When that becomes your way you will have YOURSELF BACK. You will be ready to grow in a relationship with someone . Most likely someone new... but don't dwell on who it is with.... just give yourself reasons to feel great about yourself. Don't think that you can't feel great about yourself because of imperfections...We all have those and like life itself we must accept and be grateful for everything - bad, good mundane... whatever.... I still look at old relationships and ponder how they could have been salvaged... I forgive myself for the fuck ups and all the lack of fixing that I may have been responsible for... But now I am in a marriage 25 years w. 4 kids and thereis no turning back.

    Cherish the fuck out of every moment and every day :)
  4. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    @breath. Thanks for taking your time to read it and respond. I greatly appreciate it.
    I've made too many of those, repeatedly. I will definitely try to get her back but only if I stary clear of porn for at least 3 months and eventually forgive myself for what I have done.

    I will hopefuly get there soon. For now the only option I see is work on myself relentlessly and try to win this woman back. When I'm ready, not now. Now it's time to fix myself best way I can and see what happens.

    Today I played with my dog, went shopping a little and now cooking something healthy for dinner - these are the good things I'm doing at the moment. It's better that lying in my bed and crying like a maniac. Tidying up my place will also help. I try to take very small steps towards healing. Doing a workout today might be too much for the moment but I will try give it a shot tonight. Just 10 minutes of excercise will do.

    Attached Files:

  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear your marriage imploded. Women don't wait around forever and are much better at moving on than men. There is a natural impulse to want to reestablish a relationship once it breaks down and someone leaves; it's why break up sex is a thing. However, you and your partner both let the marriage die. Your only focus should be on yourself. "Winning" your wife back is not going to happen, but winning yourself back is something you can definitely do.

    I hope you'll stay here and work on yourself. There is a treasure trove of great information here. Wishing you the best!
  6. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    Thank you Saville. I used to come to this forum about 6 years ago, when I quit porn first time and eventually regain my erectile function and found a great woman (the one that I've lost because my addiction returned and I started to live double life of an addict. Terrible feeling.
    You're probably right, but this happened between us before. We've been separated for almost 2 months and got back together. But you're right, it's unlikely and winning myslf back is the priority. Even if we're to be together one day in the future, still it's only going to happen if I'm a different man and look at things differently. I believe she still loves me and I definitely love her to death. I know of a couple who divorced and after years with different partners they remarried again. Very small chance this is going to happen but hope dies last.

    This is precisely what I intend to do. It's very hard to even get out of bed at this moment, but I will carry on carrying on until something positive comes out of it. I've done some cleaning up at my place, had a conversation with psychologist and my friend, took my dog for a walk - small things but when added together they mean something
    Saville likes this.
  7. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i agree with Saville. wife or no wife. job or no job. friends or no friends. i have to stay away from porn for me. if i am not clean, honest, and clear headed, i don't have a chance for anything else. i have to work on me. after i figure out who i am. the right person will come along. whether it's the same one or someone else. i live with me 24/7. if i can't stand myself because of my secrets no one else will. we always show what is inside of us, our secrets,double life, no matter how hard we try to hide it. people, especially people close to us will pick up on it without us saying a word. what we hold dear, think about, desire, want, inside of us-will always manifest outwardly. i work on myself daily. not perfect, have many, many defects but i am a work in progress. little white lies lead to big fuck-ups. wishing the best for you. don't quit before the miracle. hang in there.
  8. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @AliveAgain - I can not add very much, from what has been said by other forum brothers more experienced than me. (been working to stop my porn addiction since June 1 with two relapses so far). But I have experienced the "miracle" of watching my dick progress from total PIED to being able to have passionate sex with my wife again. And it is hard to fully articulate how much much better my life feels and ofc my marriage - being able to connect with my wife again in the bed room. It is such an important foundation to a relationship.

    And I have also went through a very painful divorce myself about 15 years ago, which in retrospect was partially caused by my porn and sex addiction. And I still remember crying myself to sleep (even during the day), as I lied in bed in the fetal position - feeling like the world had crashed down on me. BUT I learned to stand again and got off my addiction for a while or at least kept in under control for 10+ years.

    But porn addiction is a terrible demon and it crept back into my life about 3 years ago - as soon as I felt emotionally needy again.

    You sound intelligent and introspective. Read other folk's journals and learn both from their mistakes and from their victories.

    Be kind to to yourself. You are going through a very rough time. And none of us are perfect. We all have had our addiction F--k up our lives - or we wouldn't be here.

    You need to think in terms of small steps. One day at a time away from PMO. One day at a time learning new ways to combat the urges to PMO. and one day at a time learning ways to live a healthier life overall.

    You will feel better over time. Focus on yourself and learning new behaviors and reactions to your emotions.

    And do not stop fighting. If you relapse once or twice over the next few months - get right back on the horse. Fight any "chaser affects"

    Over time - you will find PMO is less and less of your time and focus.
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2022
    Saville likes this.
  9. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    You're correct - now it's the time to stay away from porn and other bad habits. I started reading "Atomic Habits" by James Clear and plan on implementing his techniques to improve my everyday life. Everyday I wake up I know it's another day I abstain from this porn-moster that all but destroyed my life. It brought about the worst depression you can imagine. Depression that makes me feel like ending my misery. So right now I have to clear goals - stay alive and stay away from porn. They're interconnected and one depends on the other.
  10. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    Same thing happned to me before. The woman who helped me get there later became my wife. I went from completely numb to being about to have sex 3 times in 24 hours. She became my wife and we lived together for almost 6 years. Last 2-3 years was a house of horrors due to the return of my addiction. Keeping sescrets, little white lies, separating myself from her, not treating her well etc. This cost me my marriage with the most precious woman I have ever met.

    Exactly what happened to me. At some point she couldn't take it anymore. She gave me a lot of little signals something is wrong but I ignored them all as I was deeper and deeper into my addiction. I was on the outside and she wanted me inside.

    Difficult to be kind to myself as I simply fucked up my marriage, but believe me I'm trying to not give up on myself. It helps to know there are other people like me, struggling just like me. I don't feel so terribly alone.

    I definitely need some accountability partner, someone to report to and I'm actively looking for one.

    At the moment I'm not even thinking about PMO, except for some brief flashes herer and there. Nothing major for the time being.
    This disease made me look 10 years older then I am. My health deteriorated and my self-esteem is down to zero. But as they say it's darkest before the dawn.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We usually partner up with someone who enables our weaknesses. Men come into a relationship feeling like they must worship the great matriarch, the Madonna. This works well for awhile, but eventually it gets really tiring to hold someone up on a pedestal. As we tire our SO begin to notice the cracks in our character. We backpedal in order to retrieve the early days, but it's in vain. Soon we feel lost, unsure of how/when/where things went wrong and then we turn to things that soothe us, like PMO.

    We have to enter into relationship as the one in-charge. We must be the foundation, the rock upon which the relationship is based. I'm sure your wife is a great person, but she was also complicit in the downfall of your relationship. Don't put all the blame on yourself. There is no way around it, we must put on our big boy pants and decide who we are going to be.

    Like @path-forward said, you are insightful and intelligent. I think you have a bright future ahead of you.
    Mozenjo, Libertad and path-forward like this.
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Well you may not like this but getting her back does nothing to fix you ! I hope it happens since thats what you want but you are the work as you have always been.I Welcome aboard. There are some very astute folks here !
    Mozenjo likes this.
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    My use of PMO definitely contributed to the downfall of my marriage, but in hindsight, there were many other reasons. Whether that's the case for you or not, your reality now is to work on yourself. You are in the right place for that. Shoot for a clean week. Get past the chaser effect, that's the first hurdle. Then let that second clean day sink in, and how much better you feel because of it. You know what it's like. It's an amazing feeling. Enjoy your day!
  14. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    This is exactly what happened. Right now I try to focus on myself. Can't help but think about the mess I've created, but you are correct - she was definitely complicit and enabled my weakness. Time to grow up and become a man.
    That's the plan. Grow up and become a man. What doesn't kill you makes you strong.
    Saville likes this.
  15. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    @Mozenjo, @Mad Dog - thank you for your wise words. Fixing myself is the priority - what happens next I don't know. Wife or no wife, fixing myself comes first. I will start proper journaling very soon. Right now I'm struggling with deep depression - I don't like meds but had to take some anti-depressants to even get out of bed. I worked for 4 hours only today, but it's still something. I will shoot for 6 hours tomorrow and climb from there.
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2022
  16. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Just keep at it ! The pmo " devil. " will try to convince you of the hopelessness of continuing. It's of no doubt you have a very difficult road ahead but you can be successful.
    AliveAgain likes this.
  17. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    I'm hanging on by a thread but will not give up. Thanks for being here with me.
  18. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You can do this ! Thread is as good as a steel cable! Hanging on is hanging on ! Keep going !!!!!
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2022
    Mozenjo likes this.
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, keep going. This place has been a wellspring of hope and strength for me for a long time now. You came back here for a reason. You know this can be done no matter how difficult it is sometimes. Just count your blessings that you are not alone in this struggle.
    path-forward likes this.
  20. AliveAgain

    AliveAgain New Member

    Thanks for your support guys. My computer crashed a few days ago so I didn't log in here (don't really like smartphones). I somehow managed to stay clean of pmo for almost a week. Also, it's my 7th day without alcohol and 3rd day without cigarettes. For some reason I'm not feeling that bad. Every little success ads to the overall feeling-good mood. I know anti-depressants are definitely giving me an artificial feeling of "being ok" but I will stick to it for the time being. Keeps suicidal thoughts at bay and keeps me moving forward.

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