I have a confession to make, and its not pretty.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ThouShallNotPorn, Sep 25, 2012.

  1. whatthefap

    whatthefap Urges do not define me.

    @thoushaltnotporn

    Dude - very inspiring! I really hope I can stick with my reboot even though the mood swings and get to over 100 days PMO free. Those of us that are still working on our first week really need people like you posting what they're thinking at 100+ days.

    Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts, bro!
     
  2. Well thank you, but i hope im not rubbing people the wrong way, a lot of dudes reboot is easier and they dont even need to be here anymore so they dont post that much or they´re not around for 100+ days.
    So dont use me as an example, or sole example at least. I got struggles outside of porn that creates mood swings.
    Consider it counterweight to all the success stories.
     
  3. glopping

    glopping New Member

    I hate to say this dude. But the reason your not getting any sex is because your being a pussy. You need to start going out there and approching girls! Its as simple as that. Its really hard dude, but thats the only way!
     
  4. sepultur60

    sepultur60 lets rewire this shit !

    to turn a girl on is easier than turning a tv on,
    all their stares and clothing style, way of walking way of talking is just bullshiiiiiit
     
  5. Neuroplastic

    Neuroplastic "If it's to be, it's up to me" Joe Girard

    Thoushallnot,

    glopping broke it down for you very easily. And you too, I mean, try to remember what you're made of. You really think the other successful rebooters have an easy life off from this forum? That's an assumption. You can't actually tell. I'll dare to be as frank as glopping: you're underestimating yourself. You already decided that others have it easier than you; that they win without the effort and struggle you are putting into that.

    Well let me tell you that I'm so happy to read that "106" on your counter. I was really wondering around 99 that you were giving up or something.

    Nofapping gives you the necessary resource to get what you want: time.

    It's not the sufficient resource but damn so many people would like to be in your shoes right now. What are they? All dweebs? Please.

    As I said again: you changed your life and got what you wanted. Belittle this achievement as much as you want but then....set another goal and go for it. I'm sure many others like me in this forum want you to succeed.

    Stay Strong
    N


    ps: and yes, I thought about what will happen when I'll be so well rewired that this forum will be a memory. Maybe I'll feel ashamed, maybe I'll laugh about it. But damn, until that day the only way forward is the way through.
    pps: on the other hand, I don't want to sound patronizing here, so apologies if I came out without convey correctly my well intended support
     
  6. I´ve never said that.
    I said a lot of dudes reboot is easier, and i was pointing to dudes who recovered earlier than 100 days because i didnt want whatthefap and other dudes new to this see me with 100+ days not rebooted and becoming unmotivated by that. Get it?

    Its not that you guys are wrong.
    Just keep in mind i spent something like two years isolated, not talking to anyone but my mom every two weeks or something. And before that i had started declining for a couple of years, ditching more and more activities. You dont do that without paying for it. No free lunches in this world, alright.
    I used to work a job which involved public speaking. I was coaching my own sports team. I was selling drugs. And i was getting girls. I wasnt wilt chamberlain with it, but i got a few.
    So when i say i dont have it in me anymore like i used to, that is not an excuse. Thats a fact.
    You cant stay away from people like that and then step back in like it never happened. The universe will tax you. Peopleskills, confidence, body language, the whole nine. Physically, mentally, spiritually.
    I accept all this.
    I stepped back in, right into the thickest thick of it. I was going to a new place to create new life, but it didnt happen that way and i ended up facing all the old shit again. So im feeling the effects of it all.

    So yeah im pussy, but there´s a whole lot more to it.
     
  7. whatthefap

    whatthefap Urges do not define me.

    looks like they misread you bub. i was trackin' with you though. basically you were saying 100+ days doesn't equate to being a hot shot. which, depending on how you look at it, is is always true.

    .........did you see what i did there?
     
  8. Whatup whatup,

    porn thoughts still invade this perimeter.
    Aint no such thing as being cured. At least not in my world.
    You just gotta choose not to watch. And on the good news side of that is you can be done with porn even if it never stops. The wisdom still stands, make up your mind and sobriety shalt follow thee.

    4 months soon and that is insane. Batshit numbers.
     
  9. This is the 4 months clean post.

    Im really stressed the fuck out these days so i dont really know if i still got ED. Basically, my social skills still suck and girls are not checking me out or anything like that, so who the fuck knows. Plus i dont have time/energy to hit the town.
    I got a ton of things to do and i have a mild insomnia where im only half asleep at night ( i havent had seven hours straight sleep in weeks probably) so i dont have the energy to really bother too much with it, even thought admittingly it does bother me. But what can i say? Its hard to fake happiness and i can put on an act but im not oskar material.
    In any case, whatever whatever whatever. Now thats vented.


    As far as the porn goes the urges still come up at random times, i think a lot of people have used pmo as a coping mechanism for stress/depression ect and its easy to understand why.
    Im not gonna lie, there has been some fantasizing, both involving myself and porn, and some edging here and there, especially when its time to make an important decision and/or the pressure starts building up in everyday life. Its like an automatic reaction.


    Erections dont really come up during the day and morning wood, which has been consistent for a great deal of the reboot period is definitely down, but then again im not sleeping properly so im not really in the mood to check. There are night wood and morning wood some days tho. I think the overall quality of the erections are not as good as they was earlier in the reboot, say day 40-90 or something, cant really remember. The erections that come from edging are nothing to be impressed of, but i reach the point of closing in on the orgasm real fast and its only like 60-70% maybe. Sometimes more, but im not exactly keeping an erection diary.
    If the true test is getting an erection just by light hand stimulation and no fantasy then im no closer

    It is extremely tempting to pull off an mo these days as we all know that could help me get that one really solid night of sleep but i havent jumped the ship yet. We´ll see what happens.


    The sexual tastes are still heavily affected by porn. I dont think anything is back to normal, if there is such a thing.
    I saw this fairly decent looking gilf and end up fantasizing about her. 60 year old women? Thats the porn world right?
    White girls with black dudes out on the streets? Interracial thoughts.
    White dudes with black girls? Interracial thoughts.
    Redheads this, asians that, whatever whatever whatever.
    Now all these happen automatically. I might have watched so much porn these will stay on forever.

    What makes it all more confusing at times i dont even think i want sex and i wouldnt even jump on the chance if it came down to it. It almost feels foreign. On one hand, women are magnetic to my eyes and i want to go all cavemen on them but on the other, when it comes to sex porn is sort of more appealing. There´s like a disinterest, almost like one disconnected wire between the attraction for looking at them/fantasizing about them, and the actual act of sex with them. Dont know if that makes sense, its hard to explain.

    If a naked woman walked into my apartment and lied down on the couch im sitting on right now, would my dick react?
    I have no idea.

    This post is probably really long now, i should have been off the computer an hour ago but internet addiction is strong in this one and workout sucks so hard when you dont sleep properly.
    In any case, im gonna stay on the program for a while longer and see if the wind might shift. The time heals all wounds saying might have to take a beating.
     
  10. Visage

    Visage New Member

    TSNP,

    Hiya, hope you are well. One paragraph stuck out in your last post, that about various tastes...I have been thinking about this a lot over the last few days..I think this taste thing is over-stated. Sure if you go to certain extremes, but things such as you mention are relatively normal (IMO), interaccial is attractive by nature, the different colours and the 'unusualness' of it....I never really found the gilf thing interesting while in porn, but since my reboot, I am finding older women more beautiful...note Im not saying that a woman is beautiful because she is old, but if she is 60 and attractive, that is something i would not have noticed at all in my porn days...now i feel tempted to get in her panties...

    For me any attraction towards a woman i see on the street is a positive, back in the day I could walk into an orgy and not get aroused or be attracted to anyone in there....

    I think you need to re-wire...test the water... :p
     
  11. Metal

    Metal Get busy living or get busy dying

    When I see you right it sounds like your brain operates very much like my own. The thrill and variety of porn entices me endlessly to think that I don't want to give it up, I like the filth, unfortunately reboot has to be done.

    Rebooting and dealing with insomnia is always a bitch on top. Have you tried melatonin? Or if unfamilar with that remedy there is magnesium that helps with sleep. They help to relax before bed.

    Btw you're doing really well going 4 months clean, don't give up you're walking the line so keep going for another few months and you may just get where you need to be. But don't relapse and binge away to lose all that progress no matter how tempting mo and porn may seem, they're not going anywhere. Everday for us is a step closer to the grave don't waste any time when there is work to be done.
     
  12. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Subscribed.
     
  13. The taste thing is difficult, i was just summarizing the whole nine, as far as porn symptoms, in the post.
    You sort of are saying that your tastes has changed tho. Mine havent. But that dont mean your wrong.
    Of course it dont really matter at the end of the day, 16 or 66, just a larger pool to pick from.
    Speaking of pools, i´ll push myself out and see if i can dip my toes in somewhere this weekend. If the water gets hot, i´ll jump in and see if my willy is freed.

    I actually got real solid sleep the next day, which was a huge relief. But ill remember the melantonin for the next time.
    As far as the other stuff you wrote, thats exactly the way i think. I might end up in the grave as a porn addict but im sure as fuck gonna have a rock solid reboot on my conscience before i do. The porn can wait.

    Matter of fact, I accidently watched three-four seconds of porn yesterday, switching through tv channels for the first time.
    My eyes paused for a second extra. The scene looked good but i had no problems turning it off.
     
  14. Visage

    Visage New Member

    Yes deffo, my tastes are changing, but how much is really worth worrying about, not that im suggesting you're worrying...its even more interesting when some folks say their low points were something like GILFs, whereas im coming out of it and thinking its more normal and a high point that i can now fancy not just the 'super stunners'.

    More importantly....LOL, that made me laugh...I think you should see if willy can be freed.
     
  15. sepultur60

    sepultur60 lets rewire this shit !

    remember than if you had a deep solid sleep its only because you started thinking more or less seriously about getting a girl, the dopamine is pushing you, you're being the lion now,
    sleep eat and mate :)
    just becareful it could turn out to fantasy :)
     
  16. aussiebaffler

    aussiebaffler New Member

    This is perhaps because the porn does not involve any necessary emotional connection with the woman. Real sex does, so it takes more effort and makes you feel uncomfortable with the emotions perhaps. And then you have to deal with some kind of relationship probably, when you think that all you want it a short term gratification. These are my ramblings, feel free to ignore.
     
  17. sepultur60

    sepultur60 lets rewire this shit !

    its only a go all action and enjoy the results, girls are so easy in reality, when we dout about that we become sketich and that is something they can see,
    just touch, be warm and touch her, be man, deep voice still eyes, look at her lips when she talks and sometimes when you talk, touch and touch and touch, without being a freak:
    females are easy, if you dont have a value from religion nor personal principles that you apply, there is nothing to stop you from having what you want,
    if i were in my 100+ i will be so horny that everyone getting near me will be horny too, by smells and auras,
    i can be so horny in just some days of abstinance, ! and i start attract ! and look interesting :but i have a religion and i dont wanna be a person ruinning my society, i wanna leave girls clean from my side at least, cause someone would marry that girl and would love to be her first, its important for strong pure unique eternal love !
    so i work on my brain and consciosness to stop all, i already did it in the past, and i stayed without sexual thought and with a great spiritual happy life for months, i only introduced fantasy by choice and stupidity, and sometimes after stress!
    but you are free, you can have it , if its just ok to you in the moral ! !
     
  18. Ok, i´ve lost track these last few days. Its time to face the truth, put on the surgical gloves and finish up this bullshit reboot.

    I fucked the weekend up and i´ve been edging and fantasizing a lot since. Not even to test things, just to do it because. Definitely not healthy type of fantasies, i´ve had specific porn scenes running in my head and i wasnt stopping them. I guess old habits die hard.
    On top of that i was smoking herbals and playing video games all day, which shouldnt be part of the program at all. Postponing workout and other important stuff.

    Now i always stopped before orgasm and havent consciously turned on any porn scenes/sites/pics so im sort of in the clear or whatever, but its totally unneccesary and i wont be healed carrying on like that so i need to smack myself again and put in some real work to see if i can put this shit behind me once and for all.

    From here on out i solemnly swear to not let fantasies run and to shut them down immediately when they pop up. Furthermore i will not be edging just for the fuck of it, i dont need to test my erections, i dont need to stroke or tease my dick just because it feels good and i will figure out how to deal with frustration/challenges right on instead of turning to my mind to distract me.
    I will work hard to fix my approach anxiety and other issues.
    And im moving to a new apartment in a couple of days and im not even ordering the internets. Im procrastinating on the web browser every day, reloading the same pages over and over and its some fucking bullshit and it has to stop. I can go to a public computer, a library or something twice a week and get all the info i need.

    And i wont reconsider any of this until the next summer is over. I will become one year porn free and i wont MO unless i get the blue balls or something else drastic happens that requires me to dump my sperm in the bathroom sink.
    If this shit dont work out then fine, next september im moving back to binge city until the universe brings me out of this body but im sure as fuck not dying without a proper, PROPER reboot attempt.
     
  19. Visage

    Visage New Member

    You sound like a man that is crying out to rewire..this was my biggest fear a few weeks ago, that I would relapse into a fantasy/MO binge rather than being with a woman...even if it doesnt work with a woman at least there is some benefit, the MO/fantasy there is not.

    It is not the end of the world, but you must stop now, I do not think it would have set you back much, it may even have been necessary for your next leg up.

    Could you masturbate to sensation only, or were you too horny to try/care...that i can relate to too.
     
  20. heyzeussantiago

    heyzeussantiago New Member

    Hello buddy,
    This is the first time I have read your journal and I have flicked through a lot of it. First of all, please dont underestimate how far you have come as regards the reboot. You might have gone off the rails recently but you are still in a better position now than when you started.

    As regards your feeling outwith the reboot, have you been to the doctors? I am not expert but it sounds like you could be suffering from depression or something else that is beyond porn and masterbation? Just a thought.

    As regards your idea of "disconnect" between reality and fantasy world, sadly I can relate to this 100%. I am only 1 month in though so trying to stay positive that I can come through this and get a natural mojo back.

    Stay strong
     

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