This got really long so i split it up. My confession / story: I have a confession to make. I love the pornos. I absolutely love the pornos man. And there are so many out there, in different shapes and colors and sizes and genres, i love all of them. Well, not all of course. I got my preferences, and my escalation never reached mount everest (CP) or even lets say a kilimanjaro (violent BDSM), but i definately climbed a few mountains i never thought i would. Big hard rock mountains (pause) lol. Love them so much i dropped out of college 4-5 years ago. Quit sports too around that time. Stopped working 3 years ago. And eventually i ditched all my friends as well. The only ones that has called my phone in over a year is my mom and telephone marketers. Somewhere along the line i combined it with my herb smoking habit. I´d do bonghits before and after, and right before the big O hit. Then i started rolling joints, as big as possible, and smoke them while fapping. It became so routine after a while i always climaxed right at the last tokes. 4-5 times a day. (I was dealing and bought at bulk prices so i could afford it) The rest of the day i spent browsing for new scenes. I got over 1TB as i write this. Imagine if i had a stamp collection, how many stamps would that be. My solo harddrive of 750GB was filled, so i started storing at my movies harddrive also. Had several cleanups too but it never stops. There is always more. I hit the big 3-0 couple of months ago. I seriously feel like i hit 20 mentally, and 50 physically. Wasted my whole twenties. And recently my heart aint been too pleased with me. I know somethings up. Lungs are tired. Exhausted from a walk. I used to be able to run 10-20 kilometers. Confidence? None. Self-worth? Non-existant. Never really leave the house. Self-hate? Through the roof. Ectectect you all know how it goes. I honestly think the ED is the worst of everything and without it i would never have been depressed. Not like this at least. Nothing destroys your masculinity like ED does. Have tried with probably somewhere between 20-30 girls, in all shapes and sizes. Had a couple of GF´s too, some more healthy than others. Sometimes i would get it up, even last for 10-15 mins but never climaxed. Not a snowballs chance in hell to make it. Came close a couple of times but somehow someway i couldnt do it. This is hard to explain in words, but it was like the act itself was too intimate to share with someone... Over the years it got worse and not even viagra could make me hard. And of course the gay thoughts. Like many others on here. Rock hard from gay porn. Trannies too. It never made sense because i hardly even looked at a man outside my own house, my eyes automatically went to women, like a reflex. I tried to force myself to try gay sex in real life, but couldnt go through with it. Even if i wanted to, like i really did at times, it was like i didnt have it in me. And im far from no gay-basher, i´ve rented a crib from a gay couple. They lived next door, with the fire exit through my crib, door always open. Dont have anything against gay people. But i kept asking myself if i was just in denial. Now the money is drying up. I had to quit selling because i had noone left. I never bothered to answer my phone and everybody had to meet on my terms, which was like a two hour window once a week. I was never available. too much hassle. That plus my last GF was of the psycho type. She had some kind of mental disease, of the bi-polar type. She could not shut up about stuff, could not keep a secret and would talk about our non-existant sexlife to people. And unfortunately she knew a lot of the same people i knew. Now i fear everybody knew i had terrible ED. Couldnt take it, too much shame. The worst part is i knew about it. I knew she was unstable, i knew she would talk. I saw the writing on the wall the first time i met her. Arms all scarred up. Plus she was a superslut. She may have been an exotic model looking chick, but half the town had been there already. YUK. Makes me sick to think about it, but in my mind that was all i deserved. So i stayed. She would complain to me and about me and i took it all. Took all the blame. In the end she walked away looking like the winner. That was it for me. I was the biggest loser alive. So i just decided to fade away and ditch everybody that was left. Anyways, the pornos was all i had left. For more than a year i didnt leave the house, except once a week to go to the store. Now i moved away from the city i lived in for the last 7-8 years or so. Back in my hometown at my moms crib writing this, trying to figure out my next move. Reboot: Yeah, why not. I´ve done similar things before, small breaks or whatever. A few days, a week here and there. Mostly due to my dick being completely numb. At the worst i would orgasm but feel nothing at all, except mild pain. Absolutely pointless. I´ve known for years PMO affects my life but i never managed to "break free". I just loved it too much i guess. And used it as self-medication. Anyways, ive decided to go one month just to see where it takes me. I took a break from the herb a few weeks back, cant really remember the date. No problems whatsoever, not even sleeping. It actually surprises me how little it affects me, even tho i´ve taken solid breaks before. 6 months once just to be perfectly sure just how much it actually affected me. Minimal change. Still surprises me. PMO tho, now thats a different story. Im on day 6 now. Observations so far: - Insane headache for the second day straight. Had to take asparin for the first time in a couple of years at least. Also i sense there is something wrong, like the day before you get the flu. Body and mind not completely in sync. - Apart from that the main problem is my hand keep slipping down to my crotch. Stressball in one hand, tennisball in the other. - No sights of flatlining, solid morning wood everyday. - Staying away from porn / pictures not an issue so far. However, its impossible to not fantasize. I mean i dont dwell on it, i let it go, but its there and it pops up several times a day. - Had an unreal dream last night too, like a half-lucid threesome with two cop women that arrested me. One of few times in my life i can say that i woke up too soon. or maybe just in time, that is. Cant decide. - Little bit of pressure downstairs, but no more than 0,5 on the 1-10 blueballs scale. (ED with a Gf can lead to some serious blueballs, so i know what im talking about. one time i could hardly walk at all, had to call a cab to get home) Im certain i can pull off a few weeks without "relapsing", and without serious problems functioning, but beyond that i gotta admit i have no idea. Thats why im not saying i´ll go the 90 days reboot marathon extravaganza, because i doubt im that strong and dont really need another reason to beat myself up mentally. Im not quitting porn, im not deleting my collection. At this point thats unrealistic. Im just gonna go the 30 days and see where it takes me. I need to find a new town to live and get a job before new-years and hopefully my break can give me the energy and clarity to do that at least. Besides, its kind of pointless. I dont really want to take a girl into my life, so even if i cure my ED i wont have any use for it. I got too many issues to bring someone into my life . Im selfish and im a hypocrite, and i tend to do and say stupid things. Im not really good at anything and my brain dont work half as well as it used to, which means i cant get an education and i aint got much to contribute with elsewhere. A dead-end job is all i aim for, and at this point i accept that. Now if the 30day break change any of that, i´ll of course welcome it, but getting up hopes too much just forces a bigger relapse and i dont need that. I very much respect the people who went 90 days and beyond, that takes alot of strength and courage, but everyone is different and right now in my case thats unrealistic. However, im considering an Ibogaine session (read up on it! seriously), and this might catapult me into a different direction, so perhaps my whole outlook change. Anyways, if you really read all this then that is more than i expect but i wish you good luck in your journey, and of course thoughts and knowledge are welcome. I´ll update as time passes.