I have a confession to make, and its not pretty.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ThouShallNotPorn, Sep 25, 2012.

  1. This got really long so i split it up.

    My confession / story:

    I have a confession to make. I love the pornos. I absolutely love the pornos man. And there are so many out there, in different shapes and colors and sizes and genres, i love all of them. Well, not all of course. I got my preferences, and my escalation never reached mount everest (CP) or even lets say a kilimanjaro (violent BDSM), but i definately climbed a few mountains i never thought i would. Big hard rock mountains (pause) lol.
    Love them so much i dropped out of college 4-5 years ago. Quit sports too around that time. Stopped working 3 years ago. And eventually i ditched all my friends as well. The only ones that has called my phone in over a year is my mom and telephone marketers.

    Somewhere along the line i combined it with my herb smoking habit. I´d do bonghits before and after, and right before the big O hit. Then i started rolling joints, as big as possible, and smoke them while fapping. It became so routine after a while i always climaxed right at the last tokes. 4-5 times a day. (I was dealing and bought at bulk prices so i could afford it) The rest of the day i spent browsing for new scenes. I got over 1TB as i write this. Imagine if i had a stamp collection, how many stamps would that be. My solo harddrive of 750GB was filled, so i started storing at my movies harddrive also. Had several cleanups too but it never stops. There is always more.

    I hit the big 3-0 couple of months ago. I seriously feel like i hit 20 mentally, and 50 physically.
    Wasted my whole twenties. And recently my heart aint been too pleased with me. I know somethings up. Lungs are tired. Exhausted from a walk. I used to be able to run 10-20 kilometers.
    Confidence? None. Self-worth? Non-existant. Never really leave the house. Self-hate? Through the roof. Ectectect you all know how it goes.

    I honestly think the ED is the worst of everything and without it i would never have been depressed. Not like this at least. Nothing destroys your masculinity like ED does. Have tried with probably somewhere between 20-30 girls, in all shapes and sizes. Had a couple of GF´s too, some more healthy than others. Sometimes i would get it up, even last for 10-15 mins but never climaxed. Not a snowballs chance in hell to make it. Came close a couple of times but somehow someway i couldnt do it. This is hard to explain in words, but it was like the act itself was too intimate to share with someone... Over the years it got worse and not even viagra could make me hard.

    And of course the gay thoughts. Like many others on here. Rock hard from gay porn. Trannies too. It never made sense because i hardly even looked at a man outside my own house, my eyes automatically went to women, like a reflex. I tried to force myself to try gay sex in real life, but couldnt go through with it. Even if i wanted to, like i really did at times, it was like i didnt have it in me. And im far from no gay-basher, i´ve rented a crib from a gay couple. They lived next door, with the fire exit through my crib, door always open. Dont have anything against gay people. But i kept asking myself if i was just in denial.

    Now the money is drying up. I had to quit selling because i had noone left. I never bothered to answer my phone and everybody had to meet on my terms, which was like a two hour window once a week. I was never available. too much hassle. That plus my last GF was of the psycho type. She had some kind of mental disease, of the bi-polar type. She could not shut up about stuff, could not keep a secret and would talk about our non-existant sexlife to people. And unfortunately she knew a lot of the same people i knew. Now i fear everybody knew i had terrible ED. Couldnt take it, too much shame.

    The worst part is i knew about it. I knew she was unstable, i knew she would talk. I saw the writing on the wall the first time i met her. Arms all scarred up. Plus she was a superslut. She may have been an exotic model looking chick, but half the town had been there already. YUK. Makes me sick to think about it, but in my mind that was all i deserved. So i stayed. She would complain to me and about me and i took it all. Took all the blame. In the end she walked away looking like the winner. That was it for me. I was the biggest loser alive. So i just decided to fade away and ditch everybody that was left.

    Anyways, the pornos was all i had left. For more than a year i didnt leave the house, except once a week to go to the store. Now i moved away from the city i lived in for the last 7-8 years or so. Back in my hometown at my moms crib writing this, trying to figure out my next move.


    Yeah, why not. I´ve done similar things before, small breaks or whatever. A few days, a week here and there. Mostly due to my dick being completely numb. At the worst i would orgasm but feel nothing at all, except mild pain. Absolutely pointless. I´ve known for years PMO affects my life but i never managed to "break free". I just loved it too much i guess. And used it as self-medication.

    Anyways, ive decided to go one month just to see where it takes me. I took a break from the herb a few weeks back, cant really remember the date. No problems whatsoever, not even sleeping. It actually surprises me how little it affects me, even tho i´ve taken solid breaks before. 6 months once just to be perfectly sure just how much it actually affected me. Minimal change. Still surprises me. PMO tho, now thats a different story.

    Im on day 6 now. Observations so far:

    - Insane headache for the second day straight. Had to take asparin for the first time in a couple of years at least. Also i sense there is something wrong, like the day before you get the flu. Body and mind not completely in sync.
    - Apart from that the main problem is my hand keep slipping down to my crotch. Stressball in one hand, tennisball in the other.
    - No sights of flatlining, solid morning wood everyday.
    - Staying away from porn / pictures not an issue so far. However, its impossible to not fantasize. I mean i dont dwell on it, i let it go, but its there and it pops up several times a day.
    - Had an unreal dream last night too, like a half-lucid threesome with two cop women that arrested me. One of few times in my life i can say that i woke up too soon. or maybe just in time, that is. Cant decide.
    - Little bit of pressure downstairs, but no more than 0,5 on the 1-10 blueballs scale. (ED with a Gf can lead to some serious blueballs, so i know what im talking about. one time i could hardly walk at all, had to call a cab to get home)

    Im certain i can pull off a few weeks without "relapsing", and without serious problems functioning, but beyond that i gotta admit i have no idea. Thats why im not saying i´ll go the 90 days reboot marathon extravaganza, because i doubt im that strong and dont really need another reason to beat myself up mentally. Im not quitting porn, im not deleting my collection. At this point thats unrealistic. Im just gonna go the 30 days and see where it takes me.
    I need to find a new town to live and get a job before new-years and hopefully my break can give me the energy and clarity to do that at least.

    Besides, its kind of pointless. I dont really want to take a girl into my life, so even if i cure my ED i wont have any use for it. I got too many issues to bring someone into my life . Im selfish and im a hypocrite, and i tend to do and say stupid things. Im not really good at anything and my brain dont work half as well as it used to, which means i cant get an education and i aint got much to contribute with elsewhere. A dead-end job is all i aim for, and at this point i accept that.
    Now if the 30day break change any of that, i´ll of course welcome it, but getting up hopes too much just forces a bigger relapse and i dont need that. I very much respect the people who went 90 days and beyond, that takes alot of strength and courage, but everyone is different and right now in my case thats unrealistic.
    However, im considering an Ibogaine session (read up on it! seriously), and this might catapult me into a different direction, so perhaps my whole outlook change.

    Anyways, if you really read all this then that is more than i expect but i wish you good luck in your journey, and of course thoughts and knowledge are welcome. I´ll update as time passes.
  2. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Hey there man. It's been rough I see. I think after a couple weeks your perspectives will change. The reboot will give you hope even if you're in just for thirty days. You may like the new you so much you may decide to go further. ;)
  3. Fighter

    Fighter Guest

    Hey man,

    Everything you eat, think, see, do etc have an impact on your psychology. Sort these things out to find out who you really are!

    What is in your control:
    Weed etc

    Do something with the things you do control and forget about the past and you're silly ex-girlfriend. One day at a time....
  4. Yes yes yes, i agree fighter. Easier said than done, tho.

    Day 8 is coming to an end and hereby summarized:

    - Little less hangover feeling than i had for the last 2-3-4 days
    - No improvement in energy
    - No improvement in concentration
    - No improvement in mood/psychology
    - Little bit more pressure downstairs
    - Alot more fantasies popping into my brain

    I beg the universe to flatline my being soon, because i fear i will turn into a very horny 30-year-old boy again during this weekend. However i dont fear relapsing anytime soon, in control and not missing my 1tb+++ porn collection at all.
  5. Primetime

    Primetime New Member

    Seems like a rough story, reminds me a little of myself. I used to be a big fan of the herb too and god knows I love porn.

    Be sure to update every few days, it keeps you concentrated on the goal and it will make you accountable. Plus it's nice to vent frustrations, but also good to write down the good things that happened.

    Good luck!
  6. Okay so its day 10

    - Exhausted, but its probably due to hard work in the yard and painting the garage
    - Only mild headache
    - Nutsack increasing in size and putting on pressure
    - Rock solid morning wood
    - More fantasies popping up at all times. Seems to give me semis too.
    - I´m more aggressive

    So an epiphany came up on me today.

    I think the fantasies are just as much a problem for me as the actual porn itself. Some are about people from real life, some flashbacks from porn flicks. I can compare them to an appetizer, if the pmo is the five meal course. Or like a shot, if pmo is the whole night out.
    Every time they pop up, i will think: God how i would want that and my penis will act accordingly.
    I still dont keep them going for long, but im not exactly ghandi with my though patterns or ability to concentrate in the present moment, so its hard to control.
    I know that even when i was watching porn i used fantasies just as much, simultaneously. And of course it was there before porn, so it makes sense.
    I guess i gotta put my gloves on and start boxing with meditation again. We dont really get along that well.

    And i start realizing why so many people relapse around day 14. Im gonna need handcuffs or something. Can people with no arms fap? Shaolin thigh technique?
  7. Day 11/12:

    - Even more brainfog, no focus whatsoever
    - Brain keeps teasing me with flashbacks of girls i could have had, if not for masturbation addiction
    - Even had to do the "what-did-the-five-finger-say-to-the-face-routine" once...on my own face
    - But despite solid morning wood and me grabbing my dick at times (noticed no sensitivity increase hmmm), i feel no urge to masturbate whatsoever. Maybe transitioning into flatline?????

    Had to google it due to english being foreign language and all, but hopefully no chastity belts needed (EVER) , shoutout to crazygopher
  8. Right, so i´ve lost count. I think this is day 15 finished. (cant remember whats what AM PM) Today im gonna use this shit like a real diary right now and whine out some thoughts. Yall probably better off with the short version.


    - Nope, that was not going into flatline. Dryhumping the chair, dryhumping the bed, dryhumping the air, all dryhumping in my head lol.
    At least when i wake up, things go smoother as the day progresses.

    - I think it would be great to spank it right now, but no urge that i cant control. Nothing like its been the last 6-7 years... This despite me living like a house-arrest experiment, i have practically not left the house in a month since i got back home. Only human contact is with my mother and my brother. I guess there is pros and cons to it.

    Good thing is theres no women to look at, which is something that may sound counter-intuitive but as much as i love looking at women i tend to beat myself down mentally when i see them, because as long as i´ve got ED, there is nothing i can do with them and thats just so fucking depressive. It gives "the devil on my shoulder a feeding frenzy" and makes me feel hopeless and life seems pointless and all other shit like that. I think my fear of this causing me to relapse is 10 times greater than my 1TB+ porn collection on my external harddisk. Usually i self-medicate it away with pmo, weed, sometimes beer too and whatever entertainment the internet can provide. Now only the latter applies.

    Bad thing is there´s no progress anywhere else in life. Well, i am working out but thats about it.

    I do of course realize that i put way too much importance on sex, and how women think of me, that is more or less everything that matters in my life, but i´ve got no idea how to stop it. I mean, how do you change something that was always there? Fundamentally, inside your brain for as long as you can remember... I´m really wondering what a flatline will do to me. Maybe i´ll be like George Costanza in that Seinfeld episode where he gets incredibly smart from not masturbating/having sex, haaah.

    I was hoping this brainfog would ease up a little as i´ve got hard life decisions to make.
    Where to move, to a city again or get a farm somewhere, grow weed, get some animals and live the lazy country life...
    What kind of job to find...
    Contemplating changing my name ... new identity feeling
    And about 20 other smaller things that plays into the big picture.
    Might go to the cabin for a couple of weeks and dont bring the computer or a smart phone this time to see how much sitting at the computer/on the internet actually affects my brainfog. I got real bad tinnitus too so maybe it´ll never go away.

    One thing for sure im not gonna do anything while im here in my hometown, this really is the last place i wanna be, meeting old acquaintances again that have kids and shit after living the life i´ve lived for the last 5 years is the last thing i wanna do, so i gotta figure out something as soon as possible.


    - I will do my 30 days i have zero doubts about that at all.
    - I have no idea what to do when those 30 are over. Maybe i keep going, maybe not.
    - It feels good to be able to control this shit without flying all over the walls.
    - But zero progress elsewhere in life kinda makes it pointless.
  9. Alright, alright, alright
    Its day 16/17:

    - Things are generally a couple notches better than usually physical/mental wise. That pretty much puts me at notch 3 lol
    - Im starting to get rather horny. The type horny i have gotten every time i have taken a break from PMO before (tho i pretty much always had the intent on going back to it in a few days, unlike now). Just more libido in general. This is of course not no reboot type horny. But im getting a little restless.
    - I wake up and fall asleep again alot during the night and im pretty much always hard whenever i notice. That includes morning wood.
    - Sporadic movement down there during the day
    - Sexual thoughts/fantasies reoccurring during the day also
    - First time since day 1 that i find myself surfing for hot pictures, just to find hot pictures. Didnt last long, but i guess thats the first indicator of the path down to relapse so i´ll be careful
    - So thats still no signs of a flatline

    You, my friend, are a true people recognizer (im pretty sure thats not the right term but im missing a dictionary)
    I´ve had 4-5 jobs like that before and i´ll manage...
    But of course you´re probably right. Me and the late great Bill shared a couple of things in life.
    'Hicks, how come you're not working.'
    I'd go, 'There's nothing to do.'
    'Well, you pretend like you're working.'
    'Well, why don't you pretend I'm working?
  10. Day 18/19:

    - Nothing new
    - Real lazy weekend. Call me the mayor of internet binge city. Its actually necessary tho, researching possibilities, ordering healthy herbs ect
    - Horny first half of the day, not so much second half of the day
    - Minor blueballs over short periods of the day
  11. Hey man,
    18 days is great, I didnt manage to reach that for the last decade. Be proud of yourself, especially if you still have your p-stash...I could never endure with a TB lying around.

    My friend, you have great willpower. Dont let it go to waste and build your "new" life on it.
  12. Fighter

    Fighter Guest

    Enjoy reading the journal, you seem like a cool guy with good humor ;D
  13. TMLP: In a way, i think it sort of helped me...all my life ive been a all or nothing guy. Just saying 30 days instead of 90/forever and keeping the collection dont make things so drastic. I know its dangerous and all but i think in my case, and i´m just speaking for myself here, baby steps was the right move. Appreciate the comments tho.
    Shoutouts to fighter
    E: Lol, i´m not saying anything else, call my lawyer!
    Seriously tho, its been over 5 weeks and ill wait a few more.
    skytree: Agreed.

    Day 20/21:

    - So thats three weeks without porn or a wank. 21 days. Now thats just silly numbers.

    Believe it or not, but i dont think thats a record. 10 long years ago i was in the army and we had that one month initial recruitment period, where they test you to see if you´re really up for the challenge (i had an active service), and if you´re not they ship you to the most boring of camps in the country to be a simple guard or something else where you basically just consume time.
    Now i didnt go the whole month without fapping, cant really remember the amount of days but it was in the last week, somewhere between day 21-28, i just decided enough is enough and i "went to take a piss" in the middle of the night. There was 10 stalls in the normal WC but there was this one single bathroom in the shower room that you would think was build just for dudes to go there and do their solo performance. Walls and everything. I waited until the nightwatch guard finished his building inspection, sneaked down there, did my thing and after 20something days, well im not gonna write anything else.
    At the time, most dudes, including myself, claimed they went the 30 days, but i think most dudes were liars. Including myself.
    Anyways, im finally going the 30 days. lol, what a story. I apologize.

    - Still no flatline...
    - Im sleeping like 10 hours a day. I dont even know how that is possible all things considering, but its happening.
    - Im seriously considering expanding the 30 days target. Unless the mayans were right, porn will always be available. Being a (fairly) young looking adult wont.
    - So, im a pirate. Well not really, but i visit thepiratebay and there is this penis enlargement banner with a picture of a hugh one just staring at you where normally there would be females in the banners, advertising for camsites or whatever. Got me thinking, does google/piratebay pick up everything i write and because i stopped searching for new porn and since im on this site where there´s a lot of mentions about erections and stuff, now give me those enlargement commercials?
    I need to get out of the house more you say? Agreed.
  14. Its day 25

    Day 22, 23 and 24 have all been the same:

    - Mood and psyche is bad, maybe even worse than when i was PMO´ing. Couldnt get myself to visit this site even.
    Apart from a slight energy boost, there seems to be no benefits to this shit.
    No increased motivation, no increased concentration and my thought patterns as far as sex and fantasizing seems to be the same. It dont even feel like its programmed into me, it IS me. Deep inside my personality.
    No increase in social interaction nor any desire to engage in.
    No decrease in anxiety, negativity or shame for that matter.
    Safe to say my shit runs deeper than PMO, always knew that, but i had expected some sort of minor benefits psychologically, in some form or fashion.

    - Aggressive and restless. Confused about life in general. I could crack more jokes but its really just an escapist strategy.

    - Eating healthy, no fast food no sugar at all. Except fruits.
    No smoke no alcohol. Working out. Taking cold showers.

    - Some minor testing here and there. There is an increase in sensitivity, obviously. Could probably come in a minute or two. Morning erections like a porn star, no problem getting it back up again when it goes flaccid either.
    Afternoons/evenings tho seems impossible to get hard for whatever reason.

    - I miss drinking, smoking and pmo´ing my life away. That´s just the honest truth.

    - I fucking hate myself for wining because really, i got no reason to. My body is fairly healthy, i don´t live in a third world country and im not broke. But it´s hard to escape from yourself i suppose.
  15. Day 25 and 26:

    - No changes

    - Tv show marathons

    - Started my herbal medicine brain tonic project. Maca, ashwaganda, brahmi and gingko. Cant get my hands on gotu kola, which was the last ingredient. I mixed in with matcha (chinese green tea powder). Tasted like hot nuclear waste water. Luckily i was prepared and had the orange juice ready. Should have gone for the gel cap versions. Im ditching the matcha tomorrow, maybe it will taste better (yeah right)

    - Tomorrow im leaving my voluntary house arrest experiment because i got a bunch of stuff that just needs to be done. Should be interesting to see how i react. Thinking back porn never made women unattractive to me outside my doorstep. At times, porn made normal porn unattractive to my penis/brain when PMO´ing and i would escalate to group/shemale/gay/horses ect, but they were always separate worlds. (Funny how i at times would think i was turning gay inside my own home, but never laid eyes on a man outside my own doorstep. Identity crisis much?)
    However, if i saw sexy women on the street, it would make me fantasize about them when i got home. So... its a potential trigger, but also what i ultimately would want if i got reboot numbers.
    Need to figure this one out.
  16. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    Keep it up, ThouShallNotPorn, you are doing great!

    Did you decide if you are going to expand the 30 days target?
  17. Day 27, 28 and 29:

    - Where in the name of FKKK is my flatline? I want my flatline. I need my flatline.
    That or a gift certificate for a two month coma vacation.

    Or maybe im in a flatline and i dont know it. Maybe i misunderstood the concept.
    Sexual fantasies are the same as before, more or less. Pops up all the time. Hard to control.
    People report no interest in sex. I guess mine is lower than usual, but that only makes sense. Its pretty far off being no interest, i started planning going out since i got 30 days now (soon) and try hooking up with a girl. Of course thats not smart, my mind just playing tricks on me. The potential hangover effect is just too dangerous. Plus i feel like week 1. I dont need that right now.

    - I dont know what i was thinking in my last post, its winter time for fucks sake, women wear clothes (apparently).

    - I was searching pictures, like i used to. Facebook pics. Cant possibly be called a relapse, there´s no nudity. Not even bikini shots, just regular pictures. No knockout. Its more like i got knocked down but got back up real quick. That wasnt a punch, that was a push, i was a little out of balance and i just tripped. Ref dont even count that shit. Nah, im good. Should maybe slap myself in the face but thats about it.

    - So basically this has been a long ass boxing match, and PMO is like iron mike in his prime. And i refuse to "FADE INTO BOLIVIAN".

    I guess the first week was round 1. Couple of punches here and there, gave me headaches but stayed on my feet.

    Second week, round 2 . no problem. Easy. You punch like a girl Mike. You punch like john mccain. Im not shook.

    Round three; Is that all you got? You might give me a hard-on (no homo), and i might be humping my bed but those punches aint gonna knock me out. Im working out, im eating fruits, fish for dinner, get at me bro.

    Round 4: Okok, mike is angry. Im taking punches. Uppercuts and shit. Kidneys, livers, even a dirty one under the belt. Got through the round, still walking, still breathing, still struggling.

    This is now entering round 5, and the rules have changed. There will be no porn for 2012. No hardcore, no softcore, no nothing. Fuck you pornos, you gon have to wait in line for this one. Im going the 12 rounds this time. Thou shall not punch me out.

    If i still got ED by the time im trying to smash a girl on new years eve you can have me back. I will pmo around the earth. I´ll beat that brazilian kid´s record of 48 times in a night that he died from. Until then, you aint getting nada.

    As for the MO, that could be necessary. Im not Holyfield, im not the manilla. I will stay off for as long as possible, hopefully some sort of flatline similar to the ones i´ve been reading about will help me out.
    If it happens there will be no fantasizing, there will be no deathgrip and there will be no chaser effect marathon. I take that shit seriously.
  18. 30 days! 30 DAYS! no masturbation, no porn. The month of madness has ended. Its a celebration bitches!!!
    FUCK IT, IM DOING COKE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Kidding, kidding. I could grab a coca-cola but i dont mess with the sugars. Im doing 30 pushups instead.
  19. Day 32:
    I guess i should do one of those introspective posts since i´ve broken all records and reached my initial goal of 30 days.
    But there´s not too much to say about it.
    I just keep going.

    I thought i was going to start MO´ing after 30 days but i dont really want to. I mean there´s pressure, especially in the morning with solid wood and remembering dreams about having sex with jennifer lopez but im alright. I´ve been a chronic masturbator way before porn, so i know i need to stay off both until a different sex drive pops up.

    Flatline or no flatline, put it like this. If im in one, then my sex drive is going to be off the hook if i reboot. I´ve been horny all the way through this month, these girls better hide if i ever reboot.
    And if im not in one, i know i can go without pmo in normal life. I´ve already done it for a month.

    But there is this one introspective piece... i´ve had no downs lately. And very little social interaction. Therefore no risks, no failures and no rejection. Before sex i used PMO because i couldnt get any. And afterwards, i used PMO because of the ED. Then i just disregarded any female contact and used it for comfort and time consumption.
    Im bound to start living again, and eventually, im gonna get smacked in the face again and my natural reaction will be to lock the door and PMO myself away. And at that point, i wont even care.

    But, thats for those rainy days. Right now im good. Shiiiied, even a bit proud.
  20. Day 33:

    Strong as an ox. Rifles are loaded. Resting one eye up. Aint no PMO invading my space.

    I´m not hysterical tho. I watch tv shows, nudity and sometimes sex scenes come up. Im not looking away, i just watch it like everything else. I mean in 2012, you just cant escape that shit. It will always be there so i have to deal with it. I just watch it and move on. No touching the penis, no obsessing about it.
    Same with browsing. I wasted a few years on PUA bullshit, so i spent a couple of hours browsing through puahate.com trying to wrap my head around some old thoughts and dudes post sexytime pictures in some posts. I register it, peek for a split second then just move on. Those pics look great but its not a big deal, not like it used to be.

    Im going to state some raw honest truth right now and you might not like it:
    I will always love porn and sexy pictures. No matter how much ED i got, i wont get the porn is evil and destroyed my life mentality a lot of guys here have. I just dont want to watch it right now. Im a man on a mission, i got my mind made up.
    I read journals and some people on here got a lot of things going for them, way more than me, but they relapse. They say porn is evil, they got girls in their life but they stay wanking it. Crazygopher and his readers was onto it in his journal and now I realize, you got to really get it. You can say you got your mind made up, but thats just words. YOU HAVE TO GET IT. You have to get on the mission FOR REAL. Get serious. PMO is iron mike in his prime, get your fucking gloves on.

    Todays rant from yours truly.

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