I guess I'll start again

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by buck_ramone, Dec 13, 2012.

  1. buck_ramone

    buck_ramone New Member

    I guess I'll start again.

    Not really committed to it, but maybe my life will improve if I spend less time and energy doing negative, addictive things.
     
  2. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    It may be tough to do without commitment, but if you string a few days together, maybe you'll develop the commitment to stay with it. Read some of the journals. I think you'll see that the benefits are worth it. At least try to give it a week. You should see results in 1 week or so. Porn will always be there. You can go back to it if you don't think rebooting is worth it. What do you have to lose? I think you already know it will be good to reboot. Otherwise you wouldn't even be on this message board. Good luck.
     
  3. buck_ramone

    buck_ramone New Member

    Yes. Thank you Dangerous Dave. 8)
     
  4. Dr.Nick

    Dr.Nick New Member

    Gee, ya think???...
    I've heard of so many depressing stories about porn [my own story being one of them], that I absolutely HATE & DESPISE porn. Some of the stories on this website, some from yourbrainonporn.com .
    You won't make much progress if you're not totally committed. Even then it's not easy - trust me.
    You have to do some real soul-searching and some brutally honest self-evaluation. No need to beat yourself up, just be honest. Just say to yourself "these are the reasons I'm going to put this ADDICTION behind me forever."
    Look at this as the first phase of a complete lifestyle change.
    Welcome.
     
  5. Confused

    Confused New Member

    You are negative (not committed) and positive (improve life) at the same time - focus on the positive with short term goals - see how you feel after a week or two.........hoping after that you'll be ready to make a stronger committment.
     
  6. buck_ramone

    buck_ramone New Member

    Not to self-pity, but I kind of feel "justified" with regard to PMO. My wife, for valid reasons, is not now, nor does she ever expect to be interested in sex. She told me so more than once.

    It is a problem I cannot solve, a problem I am not looking for advice on. She outright refuses to even discuss our sex life because as far as she is concerned it is over and done with. (just to satisfy your curiosity, she has some medical factors).

    So, basically, my choices are: either live in abstinence (with sexual contact with my wife three or four times per year) or PMO. Neither one appeals to me. :(

    Clearly, if I want to stay married, which I do, I have to live with the abstinence and find some other fulfillment to replace sex.

    And if I can brag on an anonymous forum: I'm an (sexually) attractive guy. Even my wife will admit to that. Women like me (and some guys, too, but I've never gone there). It's a miserable irony and a bitter pill to have to swallow, and I have yet to find any silver lining.
     
  7. Dr.Nick

    Dr.Nick New Member

    I'm sorry, I apologize.
    I see that I made some predetermined assumptions about the nature of your post.

    May I ask what "medical factors" have contributed to your wife's lack of interest in sex?
    Is there just a physical problem? Or is there a problem with intimacy/trust/love related to your porn use?

    Letting people have a clearer understanding of the background and why you're here on this forum, and what you hope to get out of it will help you get better responses more appropriate to your situation which may not be typical of most of the situations of individuals (single or married) on this forum.

    I hope I didn't cause any offense. But, you may get more helpful comments from us if you put a little more information into your posts in the future.
    :D
     
  8. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Buck,

    I am in the same exact boat as you. My wife has physiological problems that have either killed her sexual desire, or make her so uncomfortable that she has no interest in sex. She also stopped initiating sex shortly after our honeymoon 18 years ago!

    Her periods were always a white-line nightmare where I thought I married Satan's daughter. Then about 12 years ago, she had to have a surgical procedure done on her ovaries. About 5 years ago, she had a full blown hysterectomy, which I believe killed what was left of her desire. We have averaged sex about 4-5 times per year since the hysterectomy, which has now dried up to a grand total of 3 times in the last 2 years, give or take a month. She caught me looking at P about 10 months ago, which was the last time we had sex. I too only turned to PMO because I wasn't getting nearly enough sexual gratification in my marriage. I tried to talk to her about more sex, but she denies that she ever gives me the cold shoulder. Bullshit I say.

    I am facing the same dilemma as you. Unfortunately for our marriage, I am done. Little or no sex is a deal-breaker for me. I tried to tell her that the PMO was my fault, and that I have stopped. She doesn't buy it. She said the trust is gone. I am a healthy 52 yr old male. I can no longer go on. I will never be able to either resist PMO or resist an extramarital affair if I stay married. I'm choosing to find another partner that I am sexually compatible with. PMO is out of the question. Being faithful is the right thing to do, but the side-effects of PMO are much too harmful.

    I do not want to tell you to end your marriage. That is just what I have chosen to do. I just want you to know that turning to PMO in lieu of an affair is very understandable. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I know it is no consolation, but there are many men that are in the same boat.

    There are also tons of hot women that aren't getting enough sex from their husbands. What I want to know is: WHY DIDN'T I MARRY A HORNY WOMAN????????
     
  9. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Hi there,

    I red a lot of stuff about sexual active women, having porn addict hubby, who doesn't please her. So I thought: Why is my wife not like these. But now I see you both have real problems. Sorry to hear that.

    And actually, my wife is more open for discussing and doing sexual things, because I have changed. Still a lot of improvement will come.

    Dangerous dave, you and your wife have a lot of protective material around, so one cannot find the real inner being of the other. So much distance between. How to break up this layer?

    I found some ideas on

    http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/treehouse/week-26-30

    http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/kioavito/incredibly-frustrated-long-term-karezza-experiment-not-working-out

    It seems, sometimes a slow process is possible. But the first step is to come on good terms with all the other matters of life. Maybe first nonphysical understanding, then cuddle buddie, and the going into the undies? Just suggesting... dunno nothing.
     
  10. buck_ramone

    buck_ramone New Member

    No problem. :)

    Supposedly she has scar tissue that built up from multiple c-sections.
    I've never done anything to betray her trust. Intimacy problems? Probably. I've lost the motivation to keep trying to keep her happy.

    It's not all bad. We still love each other, we're still intimate on a non-sexual basis.

    As for marrying a "horny woman," I did.

    Anyway, I was angry and frustrated last night and had to reset my counter again.
     
  11. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Good, that you just went on. We may stumble, but we won't fall down forever. You are far more ahead thay your counter tells...
     

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