I finally realized I need to do something different to get past this.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Failed but improving, Jul 20, 2018.

  1. yeh right? you don;t even realize at the time just how fucked up it is to do that around your loved one. It sounds good to be properly passed all that and that it really is possible. I was starting to think that I couldn't do it and that all guys must use P, giving myself excuses etc. My wife is in Germany this week and I thought I was going to have a bad time with P, but instead I have managed to find this and made some decisions and its been great. I told her all about it last night and I was really emotional about it which translated really well over facetime as she thought also that I would be failing again. Needless to say she was impressed and said she would be able to help me out with the no MO thing when she's back!! I'm starting to feel 'backed up' and I think its going to my head as I was totally random chatting to her this morning and we were cracking up. This is a new experience and I am finding out new things every day right now. I also find myself waiting for a bad day to come, as I'm sure it must, where I find it more difficult. I hope I come up with enough strength and reasons in the meantime to help me at that time not to fail.
  2. Man, I like reading the different threads in these forums. As someone who has spent most of their life figuring shit out and studying/learning about the world and myself in different ways, I didn't realize how little I knew about my own sexual behaviors and why I had become addicted to porn. Its weird and probably quite telling that I hadn't really addressed it before in any meaningful way. Its too easy to give yourself excuses and assume things while not getting to the root of the issue (our self and relationship dynamics).

    I have made it through 8 days now and today was the closest I have come to slipping. My wife came back from Germany last night and was super tired so I'm still feeling blocked up! I have a shit load of work on this year and the next months are going to be demanding so I think I am feeling the stress a little bit and when I do I look to escape to P. I recently went on Instagram as my son and daughter are friends are on there and I wanted to see what its all about. Just another avenue to see hot girls by the looks of it, which is probably not a good thing. I think its a small jump from that to P. That is what happened today but thankfully I checked myself before going to P and got back into work, but I felt the pull like a strong magnet dragging me in...

    I assume Os with the wife are ok at this point? or do people abstain totally? I have to say I will be interested to see how it feels after this long with no MO.

    I hanging in there for now and still very motivated.
    dig deep likes this.
  3. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Real sex is great and will speed up your recovery. You may experience a flatline for a while (lowered libido) but if you can shag your way through that like Saville did you'll be golden. That's not how it worked for me (i had a prolonged flatline and only felt like having sex once a month or less for many months). Also orgasming through real sex can trigger a "chaser effect" which means intensified urges for a couple of days after, so watch out for that.

    In time sex will feel great. I had the best sex of my life since beginning the reboot, no exaggeration.
  4. Thanks. I am going to watch out for it as we manged some real sex last night even though she said she was tired and probably wouldn't be up for it. I was like "that's fine" and said that I have to work through this shit on my own terms anyway so she doesn't have to feel like she needs to relieve me out of pity! we got chatting then about how I'm doing with all of this and it was a very honest and real conversation. Strangely afterwards she started feeling horny and actually instigated sex so I wasn't going to say no. Felt good and definitely noticed the difference with having usual MO'd in between sex. Our sex life the last years was pretty baron due for many reasons and a lot of issues had developed. I had more sex in the last month than I did in the year before that which is odd but hopefully a good sign.

    What i have generally read about addictions is that it takes a few months to rewire then brain, but judging by posts on here, it doesn't stop after that and you can relapse really easily, so how have you managed that? I'm only on day 10 so I have a ways to go. I'm still trying to piece together how and why it all started..
    dig deep likes this.
  5. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Stay clean and keep rebooting and your relationship will go from strength to strength.

    Besides quitting MO and PMO I stopped fantasizing altogether. I also stopped looking lustfully at women on the street. This technique is called the No Arousal method or hard mode. I also had to become aware of my triggers for relapse, which are primarily stress-related. Then the question becomes how do you reduce stress? I eventually figured out (with the help of guys on here) that a lot of my stress came from 2 sources, 1) my relationship (i had to stop caring what she thought about everything i did and just focus on me) and 2) my ego. Getting my ego under control has been the biggest help of all. Buddhist teachings, especially the mind training practices described by Pema Chodron, have been the key. I still stumble sometimes (i MOed 4 times in July during a stressful holiday) but I have been porn free for nearly 2 years.

    You're really serious about quitting and asking all the right questions Failed- you're gonna succeed.
    dig deep likes this.
  6. That's cool, I would really like to not be so distracted and dependent on MO and definitely P so its good to hear that its possible. Figuring out the triggers is definitely a big one. What did you mean by ego? the need for sexual desirability?

    I had used P sporadically over the years, but I never thought it was a problem. I was in the merchant navy for years and had no chance there for sexual activity so MO was the only way and often with P, but it only got worse when I left the Merchant navy and took a stressful job in London and had full access to the internet!! Just after I got that job my dad almost died in an accident and ended up Paraplegic. Those two things were hugely stressful and on top of that I was struggling to manage to see my two kids from a previous marriage and maintain my current one. All in all it was shit and I am not someone who is naturally depressive so I struggled to deal with it all but tried to work even harder to juggle all these things.

    I had no time for myself or my thoughts and I felt like I did not have enough time for anyone else either and therefore was failing miserably. My job took every bit of brain energy I had and this is when the P behaviors got worse. The drop in sex in marriage at that time (2009) was partially due to all these factors and we had a child in 2010 which compounded it. Sometimes I binge drank too but I managed to keep my shit together outwardly and even did really well in my new job. Although I fought hard to keep it all together and improve things for my family, the stress did not subside and it eventually caught up with me just after my dad died in 2013. I had a blow out and ended up with a girl at a friends wedding when I was well beyond wasted. We didn't have sex but my wife found out and also uncovered all the porn addiction stuff I was looking at and I had to tell her everything. She was pretty close to leaving me but I knew we still loved each other and thankfully she stayed. Then just as we were looking how we could improve our situation to remove some stresses, I got a job offer in the US and I took it which has helped us get back to how we really are together. But I still have not been able to kick the P thing and just kept failing.

    So, part of the solution for me will be getting that physical closeness with my wife back which I very much miss. I am encouraged by these comments that we can really change our behavior and I can focus on more positive things. Shit....I have even started running ultra marathons the past 2 years to help my mental side and put some demons to bed. It has helped but it didn't help me understand the P addiction. Finally I'm starting to get a different outlook on this. thanks!
    dig deep likes this.
  7. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Failed you have dealt with a lot of major stuff already and are a very motivated person by the sound of it (ultramarathons? :eek:) . The time frame you describe also saw a huge explosion in availability of tube sites- that stuff, the sheer novelty of it, is way more addicting than playboy mags and dial-up jpeg sites. Like you, i don't really have depressive tendencies- even so the reboot has improved my life massively. It's the normalization of dopamine in the brain. Basically your threshold for happiness gets lower and you resensitize to simple pleasures.

    It's the tendency to make everything about "me". My internal dialogue used to be about building myself up, "i am the smartest guy in the room" type of thinking, and tearing other people down ("He has no idea about xyz", "What a dickhead" etc). These were defense mechanisms because inwardly i felt vulnerable and not worth very much. Pema Chodron uses the phrase "getting hooked". This is when the mind (ego) latches onto something, perhaps a (perceived) insult or a bad memory (shame) and then spins off, running an old script about how they're shit or we're shit... The answer has been to silence that inner voice, or at least label it when it speaks as "ego" and let it go. The practice of meditation is intended to make us aware of these mental states and to not obsess about them when they occur. I don't meditate much but simply being able to identify these thoughts and their effect has helped to reduce stress heaps. I hope that makes sense.

  8. Totally agree with this and makes perfect sense. You hit the nail on the head regard a lower threshold for simple pleasures. It was running crazy mile's that helped me with that too. When you hurt so much for so long and take your body to the edge of reason and beyond, everything else becomes a simple pleasure and some deep meditative state comes over you for a prolonged period. I guess that is my meditation. I can run for 22 hours without any music etc and my brain doesn't even have to think much which is great relief considering the rest of the time my brain is jumping from one thing to the next.

    Ego is a funny thing too and how it influences your behavior and especially our attitude to others. I like the way you put it. My dad has been the best help to me with this. He was the ultimate humble guy and had a very special way of talking with people that really helped people and not just chit chatting. I have been focusing on this since his death and often think about what an how he did this. Its probably the biggest legacy he left behind for me and has probably helped me more since his death than when he was alive. After he passed, so many people wrote to me about deep conversations they had with him that had given them understanding and focus. He was a listener and would say "I already know what I think, so I rather hear what someone else has to say", he would ask very pointed questions to direct the conversation in a way that the person doing all the talking would start to realize some truth, without my dad ever having to tell them anything! When I think about him now, he was like the freeking Daili Lama!

    I often wish I had some of his skill in this way and his patience. He was not always happy, and he was a little restless and sometimes too insular, but a good man with all the time in the world for family. I am not him and have taken much more risks in my life and possibly for this reason been less grounded to "normal life". My main mission when leaving home at 18 was to not get caught up in every day life, not to have baggage and just have adventures but I eventually came to the realization that this was not the full answer either.

    I have realized over time that we must work on ourselves in many ways, to learn and be the person we want to be. Sometimes we don't realize what that is until we have experiences that shows us some direction or consequences. I am imperfect and I'm ok with that, but I am not ok with P addiction and behaviors and I truly hope this is the road to me getting past this particular obstacle.[/QUOTE]
    A New Man, Saville and dig deep like this.
  9. Update: I haven't been on here for almost two weeks which seemed to just fly by without me having much thought. I guess since I have managed to stay away from PMO that this is part of the reason, but I need to stay checked in to this thing as I am still a long way from beating this and I know that some of the feelings that want to draw me to PMO are still there. Strangely I am finding that its more the P thing than the MO thing that is difficult which I guess indicates where my wiring issues are, and previous behaviors are coming from, but as I have read from many of you here, this can change over time.

    One thing I have noticed is that I'm really tired. I mean much more fatigued than normal. Is this a side-effect anyone has had? I have been having a bit more sex than previously, which is a great side-effect as it feels like we are starting to return some normalcy and closeness in bed which had been lost for a long while. Its not all perfect or anything but its definitely moving in the right direction. I thought without PMO that I would have a raging hardon half the time, but that has not really been the case. I also thought I may suffer from PE, but that also has not been the case but there has been a lot more E and sex is more enjoyable!!

    Not everyday has been easy by any means. I have still been really busy at work and have some deadlines hanging over me which can be stressful and some days I struggle to focus, feeling more distracted and inclined to distract by internet browsing.

    In fact, since we are having more regular sex again and plan to carry on like that (hoping), I am going to get the snip to be sure that I don;t get her pregnant. Neither of us want a baby right now or in the future so seems sensible. Has anyone had this and does it have any other side effects?

    Another question, what were the milestones for you of getting past the addiction? does the draw toward P or M diminish and do you stop thinking about it?

    dig deep likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This was one of my worst side-effects. I was tired all the time. I would get up after a full night's sleep and want to go right back to bed. You just have to tough it out until it ends, I'm afraid. It does go away, eventually.

    I still think about it, but much less. I can go for months now (I'm over two years clean) and not have it even cross my mind. But, I just had a couple of weeks not long ago where I really wanted to view some P. The great news is that the chemicals no longer get revved up when I think about it and so I don't find it that hard to resist. After boinking the wife I feel like fapping for a day or two, which is aggravating, but the chaser effect is a real thing. Too bad wife won't give me a bj in between our sessions, the bitch! :D
  11. Haha, thats funny Saville. I noticed the chaser effect also which is a real bummer as you think it would be the opposite! I look forward to some of the effects getting less, just the no MO thing is still helping a lot for now I think.

    Good to hear its not just me with the tiredness then, I was wondering what was going on and if it was really related. I get up at 4 am most days and run so its been a struggle and - as you say - just toughing it out and trying to get early nights (more chance of SO then also!). With being of PMO for 2 years I would have thought your wife could at least sort you out with a BJ sometimes! ;):(....guess it doesn;t always work that way, ho hum.
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Bjs...Goodness never thought of that!!!!!! :D:D:D:D Oh Heather !:D:D:D:D:p:p

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