I finally realized I need to do something different to get past this.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Failed but improving, Jul 20, 2018.

  1. I just joined this page today and enjoyed reading some posts. Its good to hear some honesty. I have been unable to beat this porn addiction for about 10 years now but whenever I tried I only ever did it by will power. I actually have really good willpower for nearly everything (was a heavy drinker and got that in check) so I got really negative when it didn't work for Porn. After some severe low points in my marriage when my wife found about my porn use, I would try again, then I failed again... The last few years have been better and I love my wife and only want to be with her, but the porn thing has fucked us up a bit and has complicated our sex life together. Its my fault, I know that and now I am finally looking into this further because I realize that I need to do something different to move on from porn and get rid of it from my life. I really don't like it and my wife likes it even less! I made excuses before about it not being a big deal for me and really believe/believed that it was some personal thing that didn't/shouldn't impact on my life and had no bearing on my feelings for my wife. I guess therefore that I mostly wanted to stop it because she hates it, but I obviously didn't have good enough reasons to stop watching porn. I have been mildly successful in improving my porn use but the behaviors are still there. The "call" in my brain to look something up that starts with normal browsing but somehow ends up looking at women and then porn or just pictures. I realize that I don't have control and its such a fucking waste of time that I could be doing so many other great things. Anyway, I am looking at the whole issue more seriously and at all the negative things surrounding porn to help move forward and I hope this blog will be part of that journey. I am on day 4 now! how they hell do you get past that "calling" when you need to masturbate or just need that fix? thanks for reading.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board! You pretty much said it all. PMO is a fucking waste of time, a waste of a life.

    Wait ten minutes before pulling on the pud or clicking on some P. Go for a walk, take a shit, have a cold shower. I can feel unbelievably horny one minute and then ten minutes later not feel it at all.

    Post in your journal a lot and on the journals of others, even if you think you don't have much to say. The more you engage in the community the stronger you will become.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Welcome sir. You are making a decision to face a difficult foe. You will find some good wisdom, hope,and support here. Sometimes this is just a safe place to pour out your heartache.
    Sometimes you might get sympathy sometimes a butt kicking. But by men who are battling also and understand
     
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Welcome to this board, I can really relate to this, I had it recently at work I was not looking for trouble on that occasion, but yes countless times I have just been looking for something totally disregarding the genuine motivation and only stopping after being served some P.
    Can I challenge you to look at your statement that your wife likes it even less? Today you are right to make no P, no M your goal. As that gets easier other work is likely to arise. As Saville has said anything else that you have which does not count as medicating away life can be done when you get that call, sometimes I forget to live until I get that call which is my prompt to engage.

    When I post here often I can cope better, I just make reasons which I use to avoid doing so.
     
    Failed but improving likes this.
  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. Stay busy. Get out your head. Horniness lasts but a few minutes. When it's real the wife if you can. Keep swinging, don't back down.
     
    Failed but improving and Saville like this.
  6. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hi F and welcome consider porn blockers some like them some don't, also reduce your time on the computer cause it's when your surfing the net with no reason is when your only a click away from porn and in a split second your in the porn pit, and with more time, be active do all the small things around the house it will make you feel better.
     
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  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Porn blockers. There is no shame, it's called addiction for a reason...loss of control.
     
    Failed but improving likes this.
  8. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Welcome to the board. Heres to some changes for better coming to you.
     
    Failed but improving likes this.
  9. thanks. I had a busy weekend so not too many issues but my wife left for a week on Sunday afternoon and by late evening I getting that "call". I got my wife to put a lock on my phone so I can;t access porn and that seems to work pretty well but I was giving it a good test! its always been an easy go to for me and especially when I need to M (only just figured out what PMO means!). So is it really possible not to masturbate? how does that work? Also, is looking at say fit women count as porn? I really don;t know where to draw the line tbh and I'm not sure I am yet on the right track.
     
  10. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    It is possible . About 4 years ago I could barely go two or three days without.

    A few years ago I did a couple of extended periods: > 100 days without.

    Doesn't looking at other girls count? Depends how much time you spend on it, where it leads, what feelings it evokes, I would say. You might know inside, or will come to learn where your boundaries are.

    I am coming up to a month no of no MO or PMO right now, and during the last month I edged on a couple of days for about 30 min periods... Which is as bad but nevertheless, still did not PMO or MO.

    Today I have worked from home all day. I usually get "the call" in the morning when I work from home, and of course today it came knocking. I have managed to stave it off, despite a bit of F to some woman in work needling its way into my mind.

    I do not yet consider myself to be all that successful re (P)MO avoidance but consider myself to have come a long way from the guy when once was asked, "how often do you w@nk mate ?", replied, laughing my head off: "every fucking day mate" thinking I was being hilarious, without realizing the world of shit I was setting myself up for 20 years later.

    I like to laugh about this incident in retrospect, because a friend who was also part of the same conversation, answered the question too. He said, "Once or twice every too weeks." This made me laugh even harder.

    What's that guy doing now ? Well in his 20s he set up his own business and will be retiring in France soon.

    Anyway, I digress. Yes it is possible. It's tough but nothing worthile came easy (I suppose).
     
    Saville, A New Man, Boxer17 and 3 others like this.
  11. Tomato - I hear you! 30 days is good man. When things really blew up for me about 4 years ago, I was at my worst and was even looking at sites to meet for sex. I never did contact anyone or meet anyone, it was just for a buzz but who knows where it would have ended. Thankfully it was at this time my wife uncovered all the porn use etc and me going on that site, so we had a huge emotional roller coaster for a while as she was so upset she was thinking of leaving me. The thought of that alone was enough for me to stop looking at porn for a while, at least a few months. I can't remember how long exactly or when it started to creep back in, but it did and since then I have been managing it so it hasn't felt as bad, but in reality its still there. I was really stressed out at that time living in London with a very tough job requiring a lot of travel and my dad had a accident leaving him paraplegic in 2008 until he died in 2013 from his condition. This took a lot of emotion from our family and time too as my dad was super depressed due to it. Everything was shit including our sex life and the porn thing was my escape and got bad. The last years has been much better since I moved to the US and have a better life balance, but the porn thing hasn't gone away so I have do something. Now I am reading some comments on here it looks like I am going to have to give up the MO too which I had not even considered so I have to get my head around it and figure out where my boundaries are and where I want to be with all of that (happy marriage and sex I guess is the goal for us all!).
     
    Tomato76 likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    After cheating on my wife twice, and being found out, I was a goodie two shoes for a few months, as well. I figured I couldn't cheat again, but PMO had always been a faithful lover. I got back to it with a vengeance...you will too if you don't stop the skid now.

    I had to wrap my head around it too. But, MO leads to PMO, and also robs us of our manhood. We become meek, sneaky, powered down, automatons. After over two years clean of PMO I still want to MO, like every day. I have capitulated a few times and those times have always lead to a state of fatigue, mental exhaustion, and depression.

    Amazing as it sounds my marriage is now happy, but I didn't do this to have a good marriage. I did it for me, because I felt like shit all the time: guilt, shame, listless, etc. We must do our lives for us, because when we feel good the relationship will too.

    You're doing great! Keep posting, bro'.
     
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  13. Thanks Saville. After writing that stuff yesterday and getting my head around no MO I felt strangely liberated. I know that will not be an everyday thing but yesterday was good and I went to the gym with my son and then cooked for us and had a beer with him and chatted. I went to bed and did not even consider MO or looking at my phone which was a win even though I'm only on day 2 now. I had never really thought about MO being a negative thing even though it often felt that way. I just thought it was a necessary act we men have to do or we go crazy! when I think about it, I would actually really like not to have to, I just don;t know if its possible yet. I am going to try though. I hate porn for many reasons and having two daughters is one of them, but really I just hate the fake-ness and objectification etc, but more than that - now that I think about it - I don't like how it makes me feel. I would rather have sex with my wife and not need porn and that is what I think I need to focus on to get past this and make it real. I am really appreciating this forum and the feedback so far. I am going to try to keep up with this to keep up my motivation and remind myself why I am doing it.
     
  14. Hey GreyHeron - just reading back over the thread and noticed your question and also it sounds like you had similar habits. You challenged me to look at my statement "my wife likes it even less". My wife has maintained for a long time (since she first knew that I looked at porn) that she despises it. She not only despises it for the type of sex/women etc that it portrays, but also because it makes her feel like shit. She compares herself and the sex, and its been in her mind when we make love and she wonders what I am expecting and whether I am fantasizing about these women. She worries I want a women like that. The truth is I don;t and couldn't care less about the actresses in porn or the size of their boobs etc. I actually got off more on the scenarios than the actual sex even if the acting is mostly shit. So I say she likes it less, because I always thought that I was just using it for stimulation and it didn't really bother me otherwise but I no longer think that is true. The sex early in our relationship was pretty crazy, both in locations and also experimenting with different things. This always seemed to me to be purely mutual and I still think it was, but my wife wondered if I still want that sex now rather than more regular sex. This is one of the things we need to resolve. I am perfectly happy with regular sex but I also like messing around and I also believe that she likes different kind of sex too since she sometimes asks me to do certain things to her etc. Both of us seem to have lost confidence in what we really are looking for, and that has effected us.

    Porn has changed me emotionally and I do have a lot of negative feelings around using porn, and have imagined different situations when having sex with my wife. This was certainly not always the case, but as the regularity of our sex life became less after having a child and with my more progressive use of porn, and the fact that my wife is very jealous and often worried about me hooking up with other women, it did affect the dynamic in our closeness on a sexual level and for a while even emotionally (we were always best friends and super close). I did cheat on her twice when drunk out of my mind in one-off situations which thankfully did not end up in sex. We are mentally closer now more than ever and I told her about the incidents when drunk, but sex has still been a struggle to get back, even though it is good when we do have sex. The last piece in this closeness for me I believe is the porn addiction hanging over me, and my continued failure to get rid of it. There can be no more P secrets hiding in the closet. I can tell all of my shit about everything else to my wife, so why not this? its hard when I do, and she finds it difficult to listen to my failure, but its better than not telling her where my head is at. She is pretty awesome and although she has her own issues to deal with stemming from childhood abuse and anxiety which I help her with, I still need to get my shit in order and move away from P at the same time. Now is the time... thankfully other things in our life are all very good right now, so I'm hoping that will help me focus on this issue.
     
    dig deep likes this.
  15. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Great post F, loose this porn addiction get rid of your porn aura and your gonna have a good life with your family
     
    Failed but improving likes this.
  16. Thanks Dig Deep. I surely hope so. I also just changed my picture to Cool Hand Luke. Its my all time favorite movie with so many iconic scenes of self destructive behavior which at the same time was also anti-establishment and therefore heroic in some respects. I don't know why this movie always resonated with me so much but it just came to mind and made me draw some comparisons with P and his self-destructive behavior and the fact that he was chained at the feet, preventing him from freedom. Most importantly, he never gives up in his idea or quest even when beaten down by another inmate or a correction officer. That is what I need to do.
     
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Putting forth positive things is a game changer. Tomato recently changed the title of his journal to reflect something affirmative. What we send out into the world we get back. :)
     
  18. Another day ticked off which gets me to day 4. It doesn't sound much but I feel very different about it right now than I ever did before. It feels like I am starting to get my head around the subject, which helps my understanding and motivation about why I am doing it. I have started tracing back the routes to the behavior and how other behaviors may have effected me becoming so addicted to P. I am also looking at stress factors that seemed to elevate and aggravate the amount I used P. Not only for MO, but just for escapism. There were even times when I would look at porn in bed with my wife right next to me!! and she caught me once too! Its not easy but it feels like breaking it down this way is more meaningful. As to the hard wiring.... I guess its too early to tell, but I feel positive right now and that helps. For the next few months I am going to pretend I am Luke eating 50 eggs, or escaping from the "man". By the way, if you have never see Cool Hand Luke, I highly recommend it for inspiration. If nothing else there is a great scene with a girl washing the car in a summer dress while the convicts are digging along the road (doesn't count as porn!). lol!
     
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  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Done similar, looking at escort sites, while she's watching telly on the other sofa.

    So much wrong with that,but at the time you don't care; your emotional sensitivity is completely out of tune.
     
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    PMO'd sometimes in my family room while the wife was having coffee with someone in the kitchen. It is a fucking sinister addiction. So glad those days are over!

    This sums it up.
     
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