I don't know whats going on...

Discussion in 'Women' started by Kali D, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. Kali D

    Kali D New Member

    hello

    I'll keep it simple... Background info, 6 year relationship, lived together for 4, found out he was a porn addict about 3 years ago. Loved him irrevocably.

    Lived with partner, moved for job and due to financial reasons he had to live in a shared house and I move back in with parents, until we could afford to live together again. A few months ago, the relationship got a bit sour due to the constraints on the relationship but we agreed at the end of his contract (in march) we'd get a place together again! He started going back to porn and relapsing more than he ever had when we lived together. I kept asking him if he wanted to talk about it, I kept suggesting we needed to see each other more, I kept reaching out, I just kept trying. A few weeks ago, he turned around and told me that he no longer wanted to live me at the end of his contract but wanted to stay in his house with the other guys for a couple more years. I asked him why, and all he could give me was 'I don't know'. So with a broken heart from a broken promise, I distinguished the relationship because how could I continue to help him, if he didn't want me around? If he wouldn't let me see him? If he didn't want to have sex with me? I loved him so much, and I wanted to get him through this, but he didn't want me to and he pushed me away.

    A few days passed and I was convinced by a friend to try one last time, as she could see I didn't want to let him go and she knew I'd kick myself if i at least didn't try, so I text him to ask if he wanted to go on holiday. Nothing.

    A week has now passed and I have no clue how he is doing, if hes happy or not, if hes ok, if he regrets anything, but today i remember he had a blog, and maybe just maybe he might be posting about how he is doing, baring in mind he hasn't been on the forum in over a year or two, so the chances where very slim, but I just wanted to know he was ok.

    he did blog, and at first I couldn't do it. Incase he was happy to be rid of me, ofcourse I wanted him to be happy, to be ok, but I knew it'd destroy me. I looked anyway*. To my utter disbelief and surprise, hes stating that he does infact want to live with me again. I had genuinely thought, that was it, he'd changed his mind and it was done, and at the very least he'd be blogging that the relationship ending was a good thing or something. It was the opposite.

    So here is my predicament.....how do I know if he knows what he knows? Why would he do this pendulum of yes live together, no i don't want to, actually yes I do?! Is it coincidence it came in the wake of his biggest relapses? Is he just so utterly confused and blinded by porn he doesn't actually know whats going on or what he wants? And finally am I doing the worst thing, by abandoning him when hes really struggling, so I can protect myself from getting hurt again, or do I pick him up, scoop him into my arms wrap him up with love and push for him to live with me again in march and help him through it?

    I just can't tell. I just don't know what the fuck is going on.

    *he's had this blog and he's always welcomed me to read it, i feel guilty for looking at it now, I should probably respect his boundaries and privacy and not 'spy' on him.
     
  2. Newnes

    Newnes Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi,

    About the blog: if he welcomes you to read it, then you're not violating any boundary by reading it.

    The most important thing is that you take care of yourself. Think about what you like to do, don't neglect your hobbies and friends, your personal plans. That's the foundation for anything, whether you stay with your boyfriend or not. Also don't sacrificiate yourself, it's never worth it. If he loves you and you neglect yourself for him, it will make him sad; and if he doesn't love you, he's not worth it. "Self-sacrifice" is never a gift we make.

    Then I don't know him but he seems quite volatile. I'd say he's in pain. But from what you say I don't know what you can do for him. Have you tried suggesting therapy? Starting a (healthy) hobby together? Asking his friends for advice? Maybe suggesting you talk about porn addiciton and a plan to help him get out of it, without (s)mothering him while doing so? I know I wouldn't like my girlfriend to ask my friends for advice on our relationship, but since you have very few options left, it's acceptable from where I stand.

    Last case scenario, leave him. It's his hell, his nightmare. Don't let him drag you into his mess. And don't feel guilty if you do leave him: you don't owe him to stay with him in those circumstances, and if might just be the wake up call he needs.
     

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