I don’t know if this is HOCD, or I am gay in denial?

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by masterm1nd99, Dec 2, 2018.

  1. masterm1nd99

    masterm1nd99 New Member

    First, I wanna say that scince I was a kid I had problems with OCD. I had religion OCD, handwashing OCD, some rituals and many more. When I was 10-11 years old, I was introduced to porn by my older cousins. I was only watching straight porn, playing porn games and etc. Then when I was 12-13 years old, I watched gay porn, and it really used to turn me on, but I didn’t question my sexuality in that time. Later, that year I got a thought popped in my mind that maybe I am gay, althought I had girlfriend in that time. It really depressed me, I started to look in the past for the proofs that maybe I am gay. Althought I had 3-4 girl crushes, my mind was telling me that I had a crush on a guy when I was 10 years old, because I wanted to have hair like his. I also thought that maybe I am possesed and even went to people who work with this, and now I regret that, but I didn’t know in that time that HOCD was a thing. It also tricked me, and tricks me now that I made a quiz as a kid like, are you gay or not, and the result was that I am gay, but I don’t remember this event very much. After watching a lot of porn, I got fetishes like giving a blowjob, trying anal out of curiosity... But, somehow I managed to cope with all that and it kinda disappeared. But this year, I am 19 years old, and when I started to have sex with her, I became sex addict again, before having sex with her I was watching porn but not so much, and after having sex, I started to look it so much again, etc. But, I started to fear that maybe I don’t love my girlfriend, althought I remember the honeymoon phase in which I was head over heels, and still I was experiencing love, but my mind was telling me, maybe she is not the one and etc. And later, I started to think, maybe I love her but not as my girlfriend, but something like friend, maybe I am gay, and bum the thoughts are here again. The problem is, I love this girl very much, I want to marry her, I don’t want to lose her, but I am afraid that my mind will make me lose her. I even thought about killing myself. Again, I had some groinal response on reading gay stories, but that made me anxious. Now I want to marry my gf, but my mind tells me, hey you are gay, you won’t try gay sex, and I don’t want but my mind fucks me up. Guys, this is a long post, if you read it and can help me, please do it. I just want to have normal life in which I will have a wife and children. In addition, I can tell when some guy is attractive or not, and as a kid I used to look at some actors, so that I can copy their hairstyles and other stuff, but I was only doing it because I wanted to impress girls. Thank you in advance
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2018
  2. Rambler

    Rambler New Member

    Maybe you are bisexual and attracted to both genders?

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