I can't live like this anymore...

So I'm a 28 year old male and I've been PMOing almost daily since I was about 13 or so, several years before I had actual sex which was when I was 17. I was inside her for a few minutes, I think. I don't recall going limp inside of her, but I didn't cum. In fact I've had sex about 5 or 6 times in my life, two of which I actually limped out during penetration, and all of which I did not orgasm. To this day, I haven't had sex in nearly a decade. For as long as I can remember, I have lived a very sedentary lifestyle, lots of tv, shit food, and video games. These habits have crystallized into adulthood, and for many years I have had the "manchild" experience. After I somehow graduated from grade school I was unemployed for many years and was addicted to weed, junk food, video games, and of course internet porn.

I got really fat, at my heaviest I was about 350 pounds. I was miserable and directionless. For basically my whole life ever since I first started going to school I thought I was just intrinsically fucked up, that I was stupid, that I just had a social stink and that I was irreparably damaged. This was because people always avoided me and I always struggled to perform on par with my peers.

About two years ago, however, I began learning about neuroplasticity. The idea that I could change the way my brain worked was a game changing discovery. So I decided I was gonna change my life. I started meditating daily for 15 minutes, I cut out the junk food, I started taking long walks and dancing for exercise. Over time, I managed to drop over 100 pounds and have kept it off to this day though I'm still about 40 or 50 pounds overweight but ey progress is progress. I now work overnights stocking shelves, and I'm definitely happier than I was when I was 25, but I still live a life of zero intimacy. Nobody seems to want anything to do with me either. I'm still incredibly lonely, and I still low key hate myself. Doesn't help that this whole coronavirus thing makes socializing and dating a lot fucking harder lol. I've decided to cut out porn completely since even though that's the one thing I can fall back on when I'm feeling lonely and horny, that is the reason why I'm lonely and horny. What I really want more than anything is to be 100% secure with myself and what I have to offer. I want to become the best possible version of myself, the version of myself that I would be now if I was raised properly. I just worry that the wiring is too strong..

I'd love to hear from you guys. Whatever advice, similar experiences, success stories you have, please share. Thanks for reading this and I wish you much success on your journey. Much love.

 

All the best for the journey!

 

Hey man, welcome to the good grind. I started last week, so I'm right there timing wise with you. You're background sounds a lot like one of my good buddies and, while we've never talked about it before, I wonder if he has lots of the same feelings. I'm going to try to see if I can help him out too, so thank you for enlightening me.

Right now, my best advice has been three fold: 1) block the harmful sites/pics/mags/videos/whatever. Literally throw it out. Delete the hard drive, block the sites so your internet cannot even connect (changing host files, worked for me). 2) replace the bad habit with a good habit. gotta know what triggered your bad habit. In my case a combo of boredom when in front of the computer, and lack of a decent consuming hobby. I've since started learning piano (keeps my hands occupied while still in a seated position, and in the same room as my computer. its a risk but I'm trying to rewire my brain to associate the computer study with something other than email, yourtube, and porn). 3) finding that community and person to talk to. my best friend is the only person IRL I've told, but even with her, I can't tell her that this morning I had morningwood and maintained a 5 min long erection. She doesn't need to know that. so that's what this forum is for. just logging that stuff in my journal/thread.

happy to chat more though man, hit me up.