I can do this!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Gilgamesh, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 11

    Last night quite a lot of champagne. Before starting to drink I imagined myself in bed on my back with my hands behind my head, not MOing. When I finally went to bed, I kissed my wife goodnight and did indeed just that. Laying on my back with a smile on my face. This could have very well been the first new years celebration without even a slight fantasy or touching the royal parts.

    This morming in front of the mirror I took the victory stand. Hands high in the air. No acting out! Yeah!

    ...this must read a bit silly..... :D

    @MarstonS and @Intothewild89, thanks guys! Like the fence analogy. Will stay on this side!
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 12

    Looking back at the last couple of months I think I kind of lost myself. Now having time off work my mind is so clear and I can stay so calm and patient. How can I continue to do this when I get back to work? It should be quite simple. I should take a bit of time for myself a couple times per day. Just to relax and breath a bit. Somehow I don't manage to do this on the long term. In March/ April the twins will be born. It is so important that I am able to stay calm and close to myself. How will I be able to do this? I don't know. It feels like a big plunge in the deep. Day by day I guess. One thing for sure, I dont want to use porn to deal with the stress and discomfort. That will only confuse me more. I want to live in the present and experience my life for the fullest. Life is short enough. Having children is a great gift. I want to appreciate it to the fullest, with all emotions it brings, also the less comfortable.
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Just wanted to re-re-repost these 10 questions from 'innergold'. No urges now, but know they will come soon in the next week or earlier.

    1. Will acting on this temptation bring me long-term satisfaction or instant gratification?
    2. What will be the end result if I act on this temptation?
    3. If I choose to act on this temptation will it make my life better or worse
    4. Do I take 100% responsibility for my own actions or do I blame others and make excuses?
    5. Can the addicted part of my brain force me to act out against my will?
    6. Is there a part of me that wants to walk away from this?
    7. Can I choose to follow that part that wants to walk away?
    8. Is there a feeling of peace that will come to me if I walk away?
    9. Would I feel better about myself tomorrow if I didn’t act out today?
    10. Will I honor the rational part of my brain that is encouraging me to walk away from this temptation?

    Want to add one other one (after 'recoverynation':
    2b. What is the worst that can happen to me if I don't act upon this temptation?
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 13

    Slept really badly last night. Many waking hours. Many different emotions: anxiety, anger, self-pity. Had clear moments of acceptance and mindfulness as well as giving in to angry thoughts. Good thing is that I didnt have any sexual fantasies. In fact, I haven't fantasized in the last 2 weeks.

    Today feeling tired, sleepy, brainfog. This is part of life and have to accept it.
    MarstonS likes this.
  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    14 days

    Feeling pissed off with no reason. Better just take it for what it is. It will pass......
  6. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Whenever we get hit by negative emotions we could be thinking "this is just weakness leaving my body"
    Gilgamesh and Merton like this.
  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    That's a nice one @MarstonS! Will remember that for next time. Actually it may even have been so quite literally. The day before I had been doing my breathing exercises. Half an hour of intense breathing. Often during the exercises I can get very emotional, but also afterwards. As if you're breathing out specific emotional tension from your body. When I do them regularly, they keep me close to myself. When I do them irregularly they can really shake my grounds. Later in the afternoon the negative feelings went away and felt quite good again.
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    That's a nice one @MarstonS! Will remember that for next time. Actually it may even have been so quite literally. The day before I had been doing my breathing exercises. Half an hour of intense breathing. Often during the exercises I can get very emotional, but also afterwards. As if you're breathing out specific emotional tension from your body. When I do them regularly, they keep me close to myself. When I do them irregularly they can really shake my grounds. Later in the afternoon the negative feelings went away and felt quite good again.
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Don't know why that post came out twice. Cant remove it either.....
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 15

    Had sex with my wife last night. It felt really good. I was very much aroused and did not (need to) fantasize (which I often did when I was more frequently acting out). Like last time it was just us in the moment. I guess this is how sex is supposed to be. My orgasm was amazing. I think I never felt something like this in my whole life. I was laughing out loud for at least a minute. What a difference with the disappointing ordinary eruption after P and/or M. We're 8 years together and have sex approximately once in the few weeks. Not so frequently, but it is getting better every time, especially now my addiction is slowly fading away.

    Last night I had many sexual dreams and waking up with a boner it was quite a challenge not to fantasize or touch myself. Will have to stay alert of chaser effect these days.

    Also had a dream last night about the girl I first fell in love with. It was a difficult time for me. I was 15 and never dared to tell her how I felt. A couple of years later I encountered a similar situation. I still find it hard to express my feelings. Somehow overshadowed by shame. Getting better at it though. Never stop learning!
    A New Man likes this.
  11. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    You have passed the two first weeks. In my opinion they are the hardest one so great job!!! Keep going brother!
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 16

    back home after 2 weeks holidays and family visits. This is the first time I come back from these holidays without acting out. This is worth a little celebration :):):cool::D:rolleyes:. I didn't even fantasize. These 2 weeks were very insightful for me. I realized how large a role self-pity plays in my life and how much I blame situations and people around me for things that are not going well..... I get easily agitated and I am a very impatient person. I want to change this stuff and this is going to be my main goal for 2019. Awareness is the key.

    I want to change some general habits as well, but will not make a list. Lists never work out for me. I'll take it day by day and if I see any progress then I will post this here.

    Thanks @MarstonS, I will keep going!
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  13. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Great work on staying clean during the holidays! Visiting family is a huge trigger for me for some reason.
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 0

    Lost myself after coming back from holidays. Got into the turmoil of work, leading to a lot of stress. Then more stuff with my dad. And had a friend visiting, which let to a lot of drinking and no time for myself. Not looking for excuses here. It was all me who decided to PMO. I should be able to make healthy choices under all circumstances. Now things are more normal again though and I am molding myself back into a normal rhythm of work, sleep and time for myself. All in all positive attitude.
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 1

    Doing well. Feels stupid that I PMOed, but not feeling bad about it. Shame and guilt are worse enemies than porn itself. Contnue investing in my mental and physical health.
    Merton likes this.
  16. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 2

    Doing well. No difficulties. Feel confident about life in general. Although I have been using porn several times lately to manage my emotional state, I don't feel addicted anymore....... still keep going further on this path......
    Antonius likes this.
  17. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Haha yeah this is the best kept secret of the reboot- I read somewhere people in their forties claim to be happiest with their sex lives. I wonder how much it has to do with them quitting masturbation and saving it for their main relationship.

    Good to see you still posting and making strides. I love how you wrote
    Your life is filling up with other things or rather you are deriving true meaning and pleasure from your life now. That is all we can ask for. Happy for you mate.
  18. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Beginning of day 3 and looking forward to it. No porn today.

    @A New Man: thanks man. Speaking of forties, it will just be 1.5 days before I enter that territory. Starting to feel very comfortable with that now :).
    Intothewild89 and A New Man like this.
  19. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Gonna miss you when you hop to the next forum age level man! Love reading your posts. I still got 6 years until the big four o.
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Hi guys,

    this is my last post in the thirties section and I want to make use of this moment to have a look at the years I have been on and off on this board. For someone who has been here since 2012 and with only 8 days on the counter you wouldn't think I have made a lot of progress. On the contrary though, my life has changed drastically since I started dealing with this addiction. Porn and masturbation-wise I went from daily masturbation (regularly more than once a day and often with porn) to once in the few weeks (with or without porn). This didn't come from one day to another. It was the result of constant effort and I really went from one stable state to this new stable state. Although I have been acting out occasionally, I know I will never go back to more frequent use. It has been like that for a long time and it is just not in my system anymore to do so. Besides, I can't really remember the last time I felt really down from acting out. Before, it would really affect me: brain fog, feeling down, shame, guilt, constant negative thoughts (about myself). Now, I just suck it up and do the things I have to do anyway. I see it now as something stupid, something silly. Like occasionally drinking too much and having a hangover.

    But that is just porn. Starting to work on myself (which you have to do when you want to overcome a P and M addiction), improved my life drastically. I am less anxious, more confident, more social, more calm, more open to myself and others, better in expressing my feelings. Last week when I turned 40, my wife asked me if it worried me to get older. I told her that it gives me confidence. My teen years were insecure, my twenties were dark, my thirties were hopeful and my forties I feel I can really start living the live I want to live. Scratch that: I am living the life I want to live. I have a beautiful and loving wife, a beautiful son and another boy and girl on the way. I live in a beautiful place, have a nice job, some great family and some great friends. All of this is a great gift and largely the result of the chances I had in life. But I am also very much aware that I wouldn't have been in this place if I wouldn't have stepped out of my comfort zone, facing my fears over a long period of time, worked hard on myself and studied and worked hard in general. My original journal title in 2012 was: 'I want to become a father, but without a porn addiction'. Ok, the porn addiction may not be completely resolved, but I am a father and at the same time accomplished so many other goals since then. This board was a great help with. It was the posting, keeping a diary, the advice from others, the support from others, the parallel stories of others, the parallel struggle of others, the humor with others that puts everything in the right perspective. An advice here to fellow rebooters and to myself: stick to this board!

    This 30's section was a great place to be, always in good company. Thanks a lot guys, i will keep following your journals. Because, yes, I will move on to the 40's section. I still got a lot of chance to make. I want to become completely independent of artificial sexual stimulation. I am still using it for emotional management when I am angry, anxious, or stressed. I just don't want to depend on it. I have experienced how dealing with the addiction leads to personal and spiritual development. I can't wait too see what is more to come!

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