I can do this!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Gilgamesh, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 23

    Feeling better again. Noticing how much peace of mind it gives now to not be occupied with my addiction all the time. My head is often filled either with sexual thoughts and fantasies or with feeling bad about relapsing. I can use my time better. I have to deal well with that extra time though. I have the tendency as well to fill the void with snacking, watching TV and stupid youtube videos. I will have to learn to you just stay in the moment, be mindfull and breath well.

    Thanks @Imfree, really appreciate it. I haven't been taking cold showers last week when I was sick, but had my first one again this morning. Feels so good. It's amazing that you did outdoor swimming. That's the real stuff! Besides the suggested physical benefits, it makes me feel just great. It's so good against feeling down and anxious.
     
    Merton likes this.
  2. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    I used to do a lot of cold showers. A couple of years ago I did them for 35 days in a row. But these days when I think of the icy water I get repulsed. Maybe it is time to get back in the water? What benefits have you gotten from them? Also congrats on being on day 23!
     
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  3. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Glad you're feeling better man. 23 days is nothing to sneeze at. 24 days is actually my longest streak since I was a teenager! I'm going to continue following your success. Gotta emulate it. Great job!
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Good to hear. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but would you agree that being ill helps with the reboot? It's not pleasant, but it seems to keep other demons away.
     
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  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 24

    Difficult time. Having strong urges. Playing with the idea of acting out and that gives me thd feeling that I have already failed. Should not listen to that voice and focus on my healthy, transparant and connected life without secret artificial sexual stimulation.

    Thank you guys so much for your support.

    @Merton: I incidentally noticed that I have less anxious sweating in daily life when I take a cold shower in the morning. Although the shower is tough in the beginning, this benefit makes such an instant difference to my day that I step underneath. After the initial cold shock of 10 seconds, I already feel wonderful.

    @Intothewild89: it is at this time, 3 weeks, that urges can get really strong, but I also really feel the reboot benefits: feeling more confident, having better interaction with others, being more determined, having a better more polar interaction with my wife, icluding feeling more attracted to her.

    @Eternity: I think you're right about that. At least it kind of gave me an extra week. Now with returning energy, the urges are also coming back. Got to keep moving forward.
     
  6. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 25

    Today I will stay away from porn or any other way of sexually acting out.
     
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Stay strong. To beat this I think that we have to be able to deal with the urges. I haven't, for one, so that's something I need to learn.
     
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 27

    No porn today!
     
  9. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Day 27 is definitely getting up there. I considered going past a month to be the "upper levels". Getting past the first week is always the hardest. False starts before getting the ball rolling.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    You got this, almost a full month again.
     
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  11. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Great job brother. Closing in on one month, would you say your anxiety got any better? Brain fog? I'm closing out day 3 and I've got some mad depersonalization going on, but I know it's because my dopamine is in the tank. Glad you're feeling better. Keep being my inspiration!
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  12. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    29 days is amazing. I'm glad you're that successful in your recovery.
     
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  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 29

    Doing well, but struggling with fantasies every now and then. Think I have to close laptop now to stay safe. Thanks guys! Will come back to your posts and journals asap. Reading your updates daily on my phone though!
     
    Merton likes this.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Fantasy is difficult to deal with since it can't just be shut off. Instead, I need to learn that reality doesn't live up to the promises of fantasy. Easier said than done in the heat of the moment, though...
     
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 0

    PMOed yesterday after 30 days clean. I felt really bad yesterday because of shit with my father. He's in the hospital needing a lot of help from me and my sister. He never did anything for us in our whole lifes. Only thing he's doing is complaining. I feel angry and guilty at the same time. This could have been an excellent opportunity to deal with stuff in a healthy way. I didn't. I tried to change my emotional state by acting out. First a lot of coffee, then a lot of sugary stuff. At a certain moment I just decided that I wanted to escape these feelings and PMO. I didn't care. It was a conscious choice. I should have talked about it or written my feelings down here. This situation will keep bothering me for a long time I guess, meaning that the upcoming time is a great opportunity to get better at value-based decision making.

    @Imfree: A month free gives me a lot of confidence too. I think that the urges come with less frequency, but at the same time their amplitude also increases. Yesterday though there was not really a physically strong urge, it was more emotional.

    @Eternity: fantasies are a way to pave the road to PMO. I have problems with sexual fantasies, but also fantasies and thoughts in general. It gives me a wrong perception of reality and literally takes a lot of energy, making me feel very tired in the evenings. I want to start again with focused imaginations and being generally mindful.

    @Intothewild89: I had just overcome a weird stretch of anxiety and brainfog in the last week or so. I think that was also part of the reboot. Same happens with anger and impatience for me. The last 2 days or so the brainfog and anxiety was gone. Fortunately PMOing didn't bring it back, but usually that takes a day or 2 with me.

    @trapped7: thanks man. Recovery is a slow process. I still got a long long way ahead of me. Like you, I am not giving up!
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2018
  16. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I think a stress like you're experiencing with your father would have put me over the edge as well. I think when you started the sugar binge you were in over your head at that point. Like you said though, your anxiety doesn't start until 2 days post, which is fairly in line with what happens to me. We have all the information we need now, we just need the tools for coping with stress in a better way. You're one of my biggest inspirations man, I know you can string those days back up. Good luck!
     
    Merton likes this.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Sorry to hear that; I read it as frustration, which has haunted me many times. In the end, it just explodes and it nothing matters anymore. Well, if you can get back on your feet it should have little impact.
     
  18. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Sorry to hear about the relapse. If you think about it though, porn wouldn't even be a problem if you could keep it to once a month. The thing that always gets me is all the false starts when I've already relapsed and haven't gotten any traction. Just remember the best parts of being clean and affirm that you want more of that. Sorry if this was mentioned earlier in the journal, but you are currently with your wife, correct? And you talk to her about the problem? In which situations are you able to relapse, and what is your wife's view on it?
     
  19. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    I am sorry to hear about the PMO. I hope everything is going well otherwise. I read something interesting in this stop smoking book that helps me sometimes. When I think of doing a PMO, my mindset has often changed from one where I think “I will never PMO again” to “I will just cut down, or just PMO every so often.” The author makes the quite reasonable point that although cutting down seems like it would help, it is actually much more difficult than quitting. Each time we PMO, we get ourselves hooked stronger and merely set up the desire for another PMO. If we try to keep PMO on a schedule, the natural tendency with the addiction is for the times between PMOs to shorten because of this constant chain reaction. Therefore we have to exert even more willpower to keep PMO at a constant frequency than to get rid of it all together. In his words “if you don’t have the willpower to stop PMO, you definitely don’t have the willpower to cut down.”

    It is an interesting perspective, I think, and often will get me to see that what I am trying to convince myself to do (when I think of doing PMO) is really a version of cutting down. I am not saying this applies to you in any way, but more that it helps me to think this way sometimes.
     
  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 0

    Yesterday I was feeling very down. I guess the post-PMO blues. PMOed again after my wife went to bed. 1 hour edging session. Surprisingly today I felt very good. Energetic, light interaction, happy. Maybe because I PMOed away my tension. Maybe because I decided I wouldn't let me be beaten down by the situation with my father or my bad choice for acting out. Also woke up with morning wood though. Felt like MOing, but didn't. Right now no urges.

    @Intothewild89: thanks man. I am going to put my mind on not being affected by my acting out. It is part of learning to deal with feeling down or stressed. I got better in dealing with that, but still have a long way to go.

    @Eternity: I should have recognized this situation earlier and realized that I should have talked about it or go for a run. Should pick up the running again anyway.

    @Imfree: I have told my wife that I have a problem with porn, but that was 7 years or so ago. It was uncomfortable situation and had the feeling she didn't want to know. Never brought it up again. When in real bad state I am able to act out on the toilet or after she is in bed. Sad. When I use my sexual energy for sex with her instead of MO, our relationship is so much better. We are more playful, there's more polarity, more happy. As long as the sex is good, other issues loose their meaning.

    @Merton: thanks man. Is this the Allen Car book? I used it to stop smoking. Maybe I should give it another read as well. You're absolutely right that occasional acting out doesn't work for me. But I have managed to cut down strongly on acting out. 6 years ago I masturbated daily and PMOed every week. The last year I think I (P)MOed no more then 10 times in total. My goal is to cut down completely. I see it as a slow process. Other people will say that I am not committed. I am not sure. Everyone is different and needs to decide for himself what works, I guess.
     
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