I can do this!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Gilgamesh, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    We always feel better if we face our anxiety and push through.
    Indefinitely we get shown there was actually nothing to fear in the first place.

    The fear itself never really goes away. Every time we have to bring up the courage anew.
    But every single time we feel better if we face it, and come out stronger on the other side.

    You did it before. That means you can do it every time.
     
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 5

    Had some good clean weeks, but with a lot of tension. In the end I caved and PMOed the tension away. As expected, I only felt worse the day after. I felt really bad. A well-known feeling that I didnt experience for a long time, because my acting out in tje past half year has only been mild. Now renewed motivation to continue.

    Thanks @Eternity and @trapped7 , it is really interesting how fast anxiety can dissipate. Yesterday I read something interesting in psychocybernetics, that what we see as anxiety is often more a sort of excitement. An energy we need to perform well. I do see that. And it means that these feelings will always be with us in our lifes, band we will just have to keep training ourselves to deal with it.

    Lately I am praying a lot. I am not really religious, but it helps me to order my thoughts and remain aware of my priorities in life.
     
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 7

    Feeling really good with renewed strength and motivation to abstain. I have some potentially stressful things coming up, but feel in control over the situation and my emotions.

    I have been taking cold showers the last few weeks and they help enourmously against daily work stress and anxious sweating.
     
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That's good to hear. Hold on to that motivation. You have my respect for taking cold showers. I used to be able to take them, but no longer. Especially not when I get back from a run in freezing temperature...
     
  5. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Good to hear you're doing well now - Keep it up.

    Maybe I should give cold showers a try then... :p
     
  6. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 9

    Feeling determined again. Last 1.5 months were terrible in that sense. Constantly feeling the need to escape. I don't exactly know what is different now. Reading stuff here every now and then about commitment and that commitment is the key to overcome this addiction. I am not sure if I understand that. At times like now or last spring/ summer I felt really committed, but last 1.5 months there was no such thing.

    @Eternity: I am about to take a shower now. Not really looking forward to it, but afterwards I feel amazing. Although sometimes it takes until lunch time before I really stop shivering. I am sure that the runs give you a similar good feeling. Weren't you training for a marathon?

    @trapped7: you can begin with just turning on the cold after a normal shower. The key is to keep your muscles relaxed and keep breathing slow and deep. Good luck!
     
  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 10

    Notice that I am fooling myself, saying to myself that I am actually not addicted. That I have it under control and only use F/P/M as stress reliever.

    Fortunately I am reading very wise words on this board, e.g.:
    from this post https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-day-i-truly-entered-recovery-was.116812/

    Still trying to find out what it means to be really committed. It is easy to be committed in the first days/ weeks. You will still feel the difference between the foggy postPMO state and the increased well-being and interaction with people. But after a while I just forget about the difference and one weak moment is enough to fall back into bad habits. How do you consolidate to yourself that you're not a user anymore at such point?
     
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 11

    Was a bit stressed last night and dealt with it by watching TV until late. Several times I felt like getting my laptop and watch porn. This is how I often went down the wrong path again. Being bombarded with TV images certainly doesn't help to relax your brain and make good decisions.

    Last night I woke up and realized I didn't act out. First hirdle of this streak is taken!
     
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 13

    No patience, angry, stressed, not very hopeful about things. Feeling very negative. Part of reboot, part of life. Things will be better soon. Will go to bed soon en focus on a nice and calm weekend.
     
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 14

    Feeling stressed about work. No need for it, but the problem is that I am very preoccupied with the things I have to next week. I just need to have faith that everything will be alright. Instead of feeling stressed in my free time by thinking of work, I should feel relaxed in my work time by thinking about private time.

    Still feeling a lot of benefits from the cold showers. It is difficult to step under, or turn the knob to cold, but afterwards I feel so zen and energetic that I can't wait until the next one.
     
  11. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 15

    The F, P and M memories are fading and I feel that I am on an island of stability. I feel committed to this, but now it is imoportant to maintain this feeling and stay committed, also in the moments that I am vulnerable. Those moments will definitely come.

    Last night and right now I got a lot of anger inside. Had a fight (verbal) with my wife and actually it felt good. Heatlhy.

    Also feeling anxious though. Partly reboot related, partly work related and partly normal healthy tension. One part of me feels like hiding away, but another part is ready to fight.

    I think I have to plan some me-time, in which I can do activities of my own and not be either in my work- or family environment. I will give it a thought.
     
  12. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    I always start feeling good around 14 days. My head gets a lot more clearer and my anxiety settles down drastically. I think getting your anger out through fight was very healthy for you, although at the expense of your wife :D I always feel better after arguments like that though, and I think that’s why.

    Do you frequently exercise? Would love some tips from you so I can avoid getting burnt out after a few days of cardio. 15 days is a long time to me being away from porn. You’re doing great man.
     
  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 16

    Sick. The flu. Feeling physically terrible. Maybe what I felt yesterday was not only P withdrawal, but also this already. Was watching a series this morning and saw a girl with cleavage. Felt a rush going through my body and the urge to check some more of that online. Was able to withstand. I will have to deal with those kind of unexpected visual stimuli. Just feel the energy for what it is, but do nothing with it. If I give in to it will give me a nice rush and keep me distracted for a while, but afterwards I will feel terrible. I want to change my life. There's no room for acting out.

    @Intothewild89: Thanks. I notice that with abstaining I accept less from people. Where normally I will just let things go, thinking 'what does it matter', I stand up for myself more naturally, even for things that seem more trivial. I think it's a good thing. But also people don't expect it from me, which can bring tension.

    Lately I am just running every now and then. Maybe once a week a couple of kilometers. Would be good for me to do more, but indeed there should be a balance. I also have the tendency to go all the way and build up to fast. That never lasts long, because of overexhaustion. I think the key is to keep it simple and easy to do, with enough rest in between. Resting is important in general though.
     
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 17

    Still sick. No urges to act out. Somehow I am really repulsed by the idea of watching porn or MOing. I guess that means that something is happening in my brain. Also sure that urges will come back. I want to keep journalling daily, because it helps me to stay on top of this and recognize risky situations.
     
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 19

    Still sick. Besides feeling very overwhelmed with things. Last Monday my father had a stroke. He is in the hospital and doing relatively well, but he is old and he will probably not be able to live on his self anymore. My sister and I will have to arrange a whole lot of things. This is kind of the red thread of our lives: taking care of our father who never showed he cares for us. At least not in the period that we needed him. It is confronting in so many levels. Last Tuesday we went to his house where he was found by coincidence. It was a big mess again. Even though he was able to quit drinking 10 years ago, he still can't take care of himself. It was the house of a sad and lonely man. Someone who was not able to make his dreams come true. I have never fully understood what was his problem. On the other hand I have always been afraid to become like him. For a long time I was going into that direction. With the help of others I think I have been able to shed off that self-fulfilling prophecy and get myself out of my isolation. Still sometimes I compare myself with him. I am almost as old as when he was when things went really bad: when he started drinking more and more, lost his job and got into complete isolation. Why do these things happen? Why did he gave up on his family? I would never do that. I will always be there for my wife and children. It still feels as a warning sign though. I have a porn addiction, which I know can still escalate, I have a lot of work stress, I have a lot of anxiety, family life can be quite difficult. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to manage everything in the upcoming years. But I don't want to bail out like him. I see right now what a misery that would give. I am not sure about how he feels, but I think he is digested by shame and guilt on a daily basis. On the other hand I also know that he is in a denial phase and lives in a different reality. On itself interesting: his misery may be so severe that he just blocks out those aspects of his life.

    We need others. We can't do things on our own. We can't live in our own world full of shame and guilt and keep it for ourselves. We need to express it. Otherwise we'll be digested from the inside out. We're social animals. I am getting better at this, but have to take another step. I need to make friends and with the friends I have, share more about myself, about my fears. I also need to do this for my son and my other son and daughter that are waiting to be born. I want to give them the best they could get from a father. Life with be tough enough for them. I should give them an honest start.
     
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Catching up. I'm in a bad day 2 mood so I don't want to write anything, so for now I'll wish you a fast recovery and that the situation with your father doesn't bring unwanted stress.
     
  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 20

    Still sick. Bound to the toilet with diarrea. No urges.

    @Eternity: thanks man. No worries.
     
  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Hope you feel better soon man. I'm back on day 5 today. Sometimes being too sick to even care about pmo is a blessing. There are days where I would rather be ill than have the anxiety of being in withdrawal. Keep up the good work.
     
    Merton likes this.
  19. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 21

    And still sick. Already day 6 now. Feel frustrated, as there is so much to do. I will have to sit it out.

    Hardly any urges, but feel I have to prepare myself. Will make a solid plan this weekend.

    Thanks @Intothewild89. Yes, that is indeed an advantage of being sick. I think I cam expect difficulties when I get better. I wish actually that my body could get rid of the addiction in the same way as it is purging the viruses right now..... :)
     
  20. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    Hey Gilgamesh, Thanks so much for your support on my journal. I read the last couple pages here and I'll be following future posts. It sounds like you have some really good habits in place and you are a truely dedicated father. There was a lot of talk on the forum about cold showers a while back. I was skeptical at first, but this really seems like a good thing to do the more I think of it. Earlier in the year I did 5 months swimming outdoors every day, which is a similar idea, and found it to be very helpful. Early to bed, early to rise is also a great thing to keep up. At day 22, you're well on your way.
     

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