I can do this!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Gilgamesh, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 24

    no urges at all. A bit sick actually. I wish I had another week of holidays. Being back home makes me realize how much there is to do private and workwise and how little time I have. I have been thinking a bit the last holiday and really want to manage my time better. I think I can gain a lot of time by cutting out a lot of useless activities that cost time and are either eating energy or energy-neutral. I have been successfully applying this already at work. In my career it is really clear what gets me further, so every time I am planning or starting an activity I just think of the output it will yield. This allows me to prioritize or even discard certain activities completely. So, now it is time do this in my private time as well.

    What is my output in real life? What are my priorities?
    • Staying physically and mentally healthy
    • Provide a safe, stable and stimulating environment for my children
    • Maintain a good and interesting relationship with my wife
    • Make time for family and friends
    • Remain financially stable
    My mental and physical health is number one, because if those aren't optimal that will affect the other priorities in my life. Both of them need a more active investment of my time. I feel so much better if I take the time to work out and if I take the time to meditate or do my breathing exercises. It is just so hard to find the time and energy for both. From waking up in the morning until the time my son is in bed things are just crazy. So, first thing is that I need to find more time to invest in myself.

    ..got to go, will finish later.....
  2. Living

    Living Active Member

    Congratulations Gilgamesh! I want to be become a father someday too. I can only imagine holding my child in arms after being born. It must feel great indeed.
  3. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I am so happy for you Gil! Congratulations!

    I can relate to what you write about drinking. It was a lot later in my reboot that drinking lost its appeal (for just the same reasons you describe). Drinking has lots of knock-on effects that are hard to measure and which lower defenses for days after (not unlike an MO/PMO).

    About finding time for yourself- with little kids (and especially tiny babies) this is hard to do, but sounds like you have lots of support so make use of it! I used to make excuses that i couldn't swim anymore because i always had to look after my kids at the pool- then I started going to the pool 45 minutes before them to exercise and meet them there when they arrive. It is a small hack that has made a big difference.
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 26

    No urges to fantasize or whatsoever. I am in that quiet, stable spot where you forgot that you're an addict at all and where you can't even imagine the intensity of real urges to act out. I must be sharp, because it may be the silence before the storm.

    One of the ways I decided to find more relaxation and time for myself is to go to bed early like 9PM and get up early as well. In the evening I am so tired that I am unable to do anything productive, so better just go to bed and have some time for myself in the morning. Brought it to practice already; got up at 6AM this morning and did my breathing exercises. Felt awesome today. I will keep doing this, also in the weekends: to bed early, getting up early. Furthermore, I turn off my smartphone when I come home. I check it too many times and it's just useless, takes energy, frustrates me and keeps me away from the here and now.

    Thanks @Living and @A New Man. ANM, that is definitely a cool way of thinking and making time for yourself. I will keep that in mind!
  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Got up at 6AM again, my son woke up at 7AM so not that much time for myself, but at least managed to do my breathing exercises. Felt a bit anxious this morning, but feeling better now. Really seeing the value of the exercises in psychocybernetics. The basic idea is that you give feedback to your mind and body via mental imaging. It took me some time to figure out what the opposite was of the anxiety I am feeling regarding work, family and certain activities. I thought it was confidence. Now I figured out it is 'feeling save'. This is more than a matter of semantics. By imagining myself feeling safe in these situations which normally make me anxious, I am way better able to deal with it.

    Urges are non-existing at the moment, but I feel that something inside me is curious of finding ways to sexually act out. I am a bit confused about this. When I say to myself that I never want to watch porn again, then I am OK with that. But when I say to myself that I will never sleep with another woman, something inside me is objecting heavily. I have some meetings abroad coming up and normally, before going, I always fantasize about the women I will meet there and the opportunities I will have for sex. But what I am usually ending up doing is watching a lot of porn in my hotel room. There are 2 things about this that I find interesting: 1) my mind/ body is not able to distinguish between porn and sex, it just wants to get off. So, if I fantasize about sex, and find it socially difficult to interact with women, then for sure I end up watching porn. And 2) I really do not need sex with another woman to get fulfilment. Probably having sex with someone else will be less good than with my wife, will be just for a moment, and leave me with a lot of negative feelings because I don't want to break the bond of trust with my wife. Thus, in conclusion, these fantasies are not about the future. They are not about some future moment that I don't want to miss out on. They are about the present. Those fantasies, which arise as minor thoughts, and which get bigger by paying attention to them, are a way to cope with the shit of today. It is just so important to ignore such thoughts or fantasies. I got everything in life I need, I just need to calm the mind down and live and enjoy the moment.

    Lastly I want to share this with you, citing from 'as a man thinketh', a great book which shares the same wisdom as psychocybernetics:

    'The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg. And in the highest vision of a soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities'
    TheScriabin likes this.
  6. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Gave myself a huge dopamine shot with fantasies. Rush no different than for watching P. Why? Disturbed sleep, anxiety, worries. I deliberately made the choice to fantasize. Clearly to cope with things. Still on my way to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.....
    Raskolnikov likes this.
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^Yes, I am in a similar place. I have tried to remove all forms of fantasy and my brain is protesting intensely, but if we can stick with it, hopefully we eventually teach our brains that we don’t need the old ways to survive and be happy. The superego doesn’t want to change and will fight us at every step.
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 0

    Not doing so well. Lot of work stress. I don't like how I am behaving. I am not a nice person to be with now. Very grumpy, very unbalanced. Mind occupied. Lot of waking hours in bed which I tend to fill with sexual fantasies and occasional MO to avoid thinking of work and having angry thoughts in general.

    I want to do things differently (again). It's all in my hands. I have the choice in how I respond to things. I have the choice to take a step back and decided certain activities or thoughts are useless or detrimental.

    I need to slap myself in the face and wake up from this terrible state, otherwise life itself will to that for me. I need to stay aware of my real priorities: the health, well-being of me and my family.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    You know that Samuel Beckett quote?

    "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

    I find people respond differently to that, and a person's individual character has a lot to do with how they interpret it, but for us guys who have a tendency to be a bit perfectionistic it can be quite a good thing to remember: Fail better. It is the opposite of the 'failure is not an option' attitude, but it depends what you need. Sometimes we need to build, other times we need to let go.
    Living and Gilgamesh like this.
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 1

    Feeling a bit better today. Prayed for support this morning. I feel overwhelmd with things: work, family. Lot of anxiety. I feel like I need a father figure of some kind to deal with stuff. Dont know if I could find that in religion or in an actual person. Just a feeling. Sick and tired of dealing of certain things alone.
  11. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 2

    Yesterday i had a really good talk to a neighbour. Really nice retired guy. Its like my prairs were heard. In the evening I called all my closest ones. Prayed again at night. I am afraid. Looking for something to hold onto. I have so much. I have more then I ever dreamed of and more then I ever thought I desreved. And now, somehow, I am suddenly afraid of losing it. I dont know why I get these feelings now, but 2 major evemts definitely play a role: us expecting again and a colleague fimding out he has a terminal disease. Idont want to stick my head in the sand (porn, work), but also afraid to face reality. I need tge strength from somewhere....
    A New Man likes this.
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 3

    Woke up anxious and with sexual fantasies. Decided to have a cold shower, which did miracles. Feeling way better now, looking forward to some nice activities with wife and son today.
  13. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    That's it Gil, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. You'll soon be feeling a lot better.
  14. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    The sincerity in your recent posts resonate with me.
    I hope you will find more people in your life that understand you and want to be there for you and I am sure there are already some there.

    We're all in this together.
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 6

    Doing generally fine, but a lot of anxiety in the mornings. Have to give a talk abroad this Friday and not looking forward to it, although I know that it will be fine.

    Thanks @A New Man and @trapped7.
    I will do that. It is indeed way better manageable if you just take it one day at the time. Both the anxiety and the addiction.
    Living likes this.
  16. Living

    Living Active Member

    It's not that strange to be anxious when things like these two major events occur. I think most people would have similar feelings under these circumstances. Ofcourse it sucks, but we all know life can be bitch:)
  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Small victory. The night before the talk yesterday I was in a hotel. Being very anxious for the next day. For a while I was thinking of bailing out. Telling them that something happened and I had to go back. Also realized that my hotel was close to an enourmous red light district. But I encountered something inside myself: my values. Yeah, I have values. Hoorray! I continued the preparations for my talk until 2300 and got up again at 530 to finish. With big dificulty I managed to eat a sandwich in the morning and dragged myself to the place. Before it started at noon I had already changed my sweaty shirt twice. OMG, what a trouble. The talk went super good. Got many nice responses and felt very welcome and appreciated. Had lunch with some people there and then a long drive back home. I was celebrating my victory with a big smile. Life has so much to offer. I just have to learn to accept this kind of discomfort and learn that generally the world is a safe place.

    There are many aspect this holds for. I want to become more social in general and meet more people with kids of thd age of my son. This makes me very anxious, but I need to do it.

    @Living : that is indeed the attitude we should have. Dont give these things a second thought. Jusf go for it.
    Outsider., Merton and A New Man like this.
  18. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 10

    Felt strong urges to act out last night and still tbis morning. Porn is a dead end road. There's nothing there besides deception and disappointment. Have to stay on track.
  19. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Day 11

    Tension is gone and rested well from the trip. With that the urges are also gone. Note to self: rest is one of my main medicines against urges.

    Will have some meetings coming up again in Novemember and December for which I will get nervous. I will have to face my anxiety. Acting out only makes things worse.

    At the moment I will habe to go to the next gear in this streak. I have been allowing some sexual fantasies lately, which make things only more difficult.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    PMO feeds anxiety. Anxiety feeds PMO. It's such a brutal pattern to break. I hope I can give you some motivation to get through those meetings.

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