I can do this!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Gilgamesh, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Edit 2018

    Present (2018) - 39 years old. Married and a kid. Started rebooting in 2012. Had a good start and solved many issues, but was not able to really deal with my addiction to porn and masturbation. Lost my motivation and kept acting out appr. once in the 1 or 2 weeks. Now back to really heal, using the no arousal method.

    First post in my journal in 2012 - I'm a 33 year old guy, living together with my girlfriend for about two years now. I started my first reboot in May this year after a visit to YBOP. I had very good experiences (made it up to 50 days without PM) and looking back I think it changed me for the better. I feel more secure about myself and our relationship, we have better sex and intimacy and I gained a strong feeling of starting a family. Actually we're trying to have a baby for the last couple of months.

    Though, lately I also started edging, fantasizing and watching porn a lot more and it already resulted in a couple of full PMO sessions. The last one yesterday. I took off from work, to go home and PMO! Besides I started fantasizing a lot of going to prostitutes. A couple of times I've been at the point of going, but 'fortunately' PMO-ed to relieve the urge.

    I find it already hard to have this PMO secret for my girlfriend. I would never forgive myself if I would visit a prostitute. I have made the choice to start a family with her and that is what I really want. I want to be a caring partner and father and this can't be combined with a porn/ sex addiction. Guys, I really need your help!


    Past - I developed my porn addiction at the age of 14, watching softporn movies on television, but I think I started addictive masturbation behaviour already many years before that. Just as many others of our age, the behaviour really changed when internet became available, and looking back I wasted most of my twenties in addiction, isolation and depression. A few years ago I tried to quit porn and told myself that if I wouldn't succeed I would go to a psychologist. So, I went to a psychologist (not an easy step - made appointment via email). This really helped me forward and I want to shortly describe it, because it might be useful for some of you.

    According to my psychologist/ sexuologist I developed my addiction to porn mainly as valve to release anger and then specifically anger towards women. My father was an alcoholic and left us (mother, sister and me) when I was 7 and my mother was always very dissaproving when it came to typically manly behaviour, meaning that I couldn't express and develop myself according to my nature. Besides, there was a complete absence of role models for me. No father figures in my life (expect for McGyver on tv ;)). All in all I started using mastrubation and porn as a valve to release all emoitions. It's also such a 'good' destraction for anxiety or just general misery. Just talking to someone (first my psychologist and later a more censored conversation with my mother) helped enourmously to just lighten up. It takes away most of the shame and guilt. I can recommend it to anyone. Maybe I should talk to my friends about it as well, but it's harder to make that step.

    One of the most important things I have learned from my psychologist is to find out what really triggers the urges. And although I really solved many problems of the past, I'm still learning to deal with anger and anxiety in the right way. Speaking, Writing and breathing excersises (art of breathing) are very good ways. At this moment I really have to get to the right mindset and reboot. I'm sure you guys can help me with that and I hope to be useful here too. I need to stay disciplined and just do it. I know what I;m doing it for.

    Thanks for reading guys,

    Gilgamesj
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2018
  2. SammyD

    SammyD New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Congratulations, mate, on taking such positive steps towards dealing with the issue.

    Sounds like you have a really mature head about it.

    I reckon keeping a journal here has to be a healthy way to deal with the 'anger' issues you mentioned. It's also a big motivator. It's really helpful to document your reasons for doing this, and the battles you win on the way to destroying the enemy.

    And mate - don't cheat on your girlfriend with a prostitute. You'll hate yourself for it, and your relationship will never be the same.

    Wishing you luck!
     
  3. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Sounds like the stress of becoming a parent and making that committment is a possible trigger?......think about that and what you possibility could do to deal with it and restart with that in mind.

    Does your girlfriend know about your addiction? If not, is telling her an option? If she would understand, her added support would certainly be a plus........and by no means - don't cheat (I know it's affects and how much damage that can cause).
     
  4. TwentyTwo

    TwentyTwo New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Gilgamesj, I read your journal with some interest.

    I have some very similar experiences (absent father, disapproving mother) to you and I am a father of a 15 month old boy. Without wanting to scare you too much (but I'm probably going to anyway!), becoming a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done, and has impacted massively on my attempts to deal with my PMO and drug addictions, setting me back years. The initial trauma of childbirth followed by the massive changes to your lifestyle AND the extra strain on you that looking after a small child brings should not be underestimated. That said, becoming a parent is also the most wonderful thing that I've ever done. Becoming a father feels to me like a great way of healing some of the damage done by the absence of my own father - I'm fully aware the problems that this has caused me and I know I'll never leave my boy!

    If I were to give you any advice it would be this - make sure you and your girlfriend have a support network. Close friends or family, ideally both. A lot of my problems are to do with loneliness, and once the kid comes along you'll have next to no time for seeing friends etc. Keep talking to your psychologist for now - though you'll probably find you won't be able to afford that after a while so consider what you need to do then. Ultimately if you want a child and your girlfriend is ready (lets not kid ourselves; at this time of life once she makes her mind up it's happening!) then go for it.

    I'll be following your journal. Good luck!
     
  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Right now I'm almost 4 days without PMO. Even though that would never happen in my 'old' life, I haven't been really challenged yet. I think the hardest moments come when you least expect it, so I'm as analytic as possible when it comes to emotions that could trigger my urges. Also haven't had sex with my girlfriend in these days. The last time sex with her (about a week ago) was a huge trigger to start fantasizing and edging again, leading to PMO.

    This time I really want to do it right. Meaning that I won't allow sexual fantasies anymore. The whole snowball effect towards PMO always starts with fantasizing. A couple of times this week, when I felt fantasies coming up I rationalized it by saying in my mind 'this urge to fantasize is an attempt to escape reality'.

    Anyone experience with fighting fantasies?

    Guys, thank you all so much for your supporting words and advice on my first post! It makes me feel very strong in this.

    @ Twentytwo: I'm going to look for your journal. I really want to know more about your experiences.

    @ TruettW: I completely agree with you that boys should be learned these lessons. This addiction has such an impact on our lifes and nobody ever talks about it. Maybe it comes down to us to break the taboos.

    @ Confused: I have told my girlfriend that I have had a problem with porn (and that that's the original reason that I went to a psych). I tried to bring up the conversation, but the conversation kind of extinguished (sorry, not native english speaker, don't know if it makes sense). It might be good to give it another try and talk to her.
     
  6. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Last night had sex with my girlfriend. It was very intimate and good. I have suffered whole my life from PE and it has always been a problem. With my present girlfirend it's all just ok. We just take it slowly and because there's no pressure I start lasting longer. Besides being in the process of ending my addiciton, I feel like I'm moving towards a healthy sex life. But yeah, still a long way to go.....

    As always after sex, this morning I woke up with a boner and felt a huge urge to fantasize and masturbate. I resisted and got up to go for a run (4 km). I feel very good about myself now. I just need the discipline to keep doing it and prepare myself for when it gets really tough.
     
  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    I had a very good day yesterday. Again I had wonderfull sex with my girlfriend. It's in such a big contrast to (P)MO. Instead of feelings of guilt, insecurity and shame it gives feelings of healthy satisfaction and masculinity. Eventhough, this morning I had to try hard not to start fantasizing about ........ well, you know.

    This morning I've been watching the news and then went to work. In just a few hours I saw (undeliberately) so many images of girls that triggered me. Ofcourse mainly commercials on tv and internet. It's just a constant battle we have to fight.

    Now I use my lunchtime to check on YBR. This time I went home for working on myself instead of PMO :)! Still, I also notice that by going home during lunch I'm avoiding to socialize with my colleagues. One other thing I have to change about myself ......

    All in all, I'm still doing very well. No big urges. Though, I've been rebooting before and I know that the biggest challengees are still to come. I feels like silence before the storm.
     
  8. GeorgeWasHere

    GeorgeWasHere Keep the faith

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Congratulations brother!! Keep the faith.

    GWH
     
  9. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Good post - write down your thoughts and challenges.....think them through, verbilize them so you don't act on them and you'll get stronger!
     
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Today was quit a challenging day. Felt a bit angry and down. Although I was not very horny, or with urges to PMO, I started to feel more interest to fantasize and check out girls. I don't think that is wrong per se, but I really want to avoid that during my reboot.

    I start to become more aware of where it goes wrong PMO-wise and why:

    -It begins with the triggers: anger, anxiety, frustration, boredom and plain horniness (not being able to release sexual energy). This builds up in time when not dealt with.

    -Then considering the pro's and con's of (P)M(O)-ing. This can take place in seconds, since there's always a voice in your head telling you that you should(n't)

    -Then either I (P)MO, 'edge' or resist. But if I don't PMO, there's another important choice to be made and that's where it went wrong with me a couple of times.

    -2 choices: Give room to thoughts and fantasies about sex or completely focus on something else

    I believe Professor Chaos wrote about feeding either the 'bad' wolf or the 'good' wolf (I'll try to find the quote). It's so true. In a couple of cases where I was not PMO-ing I was still feeding the 'bad' wolf with thoughts and fantasies, leading inevitably to PMO. It's important to starve that wolf completely.

    A nice analogy: In a book by the Dalai Lama I'm reading now (ref is in my signature), he writes about meditation. The thing you focus on will become more important and stronger. This can either be something 'negative', like desire or hatred, or it can be something positive, like patience or compassion. I think this is the key to get rid of my addiction: avoid focusing on lusty sex and start meditating on more constructive things. I really recommend this book by the way.

    Another analogy (I'm just trying to understand it) is a salesman knocking on your door. If you're not strong enough you just shouldn't open the door!! If you open it, he will put his foot in between the door and the post and you will end up buying useless stuff that costs a lot. In our case, the slightest thought of 'maybe I could just a little bit....', will inevitably lead to PMO! Maybe not directly, but it will...


    Quote from Professor chaos diary:

     
    Merton likes this.
  11. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    [Quote from Professor chaos diary:

    Really thought provoking and extremely insightful - Thanks!
    [/quote]
     
  12. ajobnihon

    ajobnihon New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    i am sure you will not feed "evil-wolf" in any situation. i am following you.
    please dont make me looser.
     
  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    8 days since I started. Feel pretty good. Sex with girlfriend three times since I started. No big urges to watch porn or fantasize. Did meditations every morning and a couple of times after work. Staying sharp not to fantasize the slightest bit and hopefully that prepares me to what will certainly come......challenges by horniness or other triggers. I have some social events coming up and I must make sure I don't drink too much........This is the right time for me to quit porn for good and I have to take this seriously
     
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    Day 9: Started the day pretty well, but got really stressed later in the day. I'm working on a manuscript for my thesis and have to finish it this week. I realize that this stress is there already for a long time (working on this thing for months already). Often I just can't find the discipline to work on it, which results in feeling bad. It's constantly in the back of my mind that whatever I do, I should be doing something else: working on that thing. It has been a trigger to fantaszie and watch porn, but also to just hang in front of the TV for hours and hours. I think that holding myself back from distractions, makes it so clear to me all of a sudden.

    Later this afternoon I went to christmas party at work. Talked to some people, but wasn't really in the mood. Kind of felt like a social outcast. Not being part of it. Went home and just felt depressed about the whole day. Started doing my breathing and meditations, which actually made me feel better (just accepting the situation for what it is). Kind of feel angry and annoyed with my girlfriend as well. Don't know why. Just angry. Just have to sit this day out I think.....

    Good thing is that I still didn't PMO! Today I checked the news on internet and saw a picture of some naked chicks. I didn't click on it! 8)

    I really want to continue this journey and I will accept all this shit that comes with it. I'm just going to deal with it all!
     
  15. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    We all have ups and downs - you got through a difficult time - good job!!!

    Stay strong!
     
  16. ajobnihon

    ajobnihon New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    to Gilgamesj
    it is difficult to avoid picuture of hot-chicks in internet browser. However i have installed ad-blocker in my google-chrome browser. it reduce the ad in my page. some-time ad is also a source of my triggering the p-urge.
    probably, it is not the triggering-event for you. just wanted to share with you.
    i appreciated your control power that you could resist yourself from clicking the image
    cheers
     
  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    almost two weeks no pmo. I'm now drunk (Xmas party) and in perfect situation to watch porn or
    masturbate. i'm not going to. I'm changing my life and there's no place for porn or mast. anymore!
     
  18. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    @ajobnihon thanks for the advice. though I'm not going to block things on my pc. I want to be able to resist to 'preporn' by my self. I think I really need to learn to stop fantasies and urges at their roots. not sure if this sentence makes sense.

    by the way, red 'no more mr.nice guy'. really an eye opener. I'm stunned. just found another key to solve my problems ......
     
  19. ajobnihon

    ajobnihon New Member

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    i have got the book "no more mr. nice guy". i have started reading this book. it is interesting until now. by the way thanks for sharing the book name.
     
  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Re: Want to become a father, but without a porn addiction

    two weeks of no PMO,no sex for about a week. Not too much urges, but notice that the frequency to feel tempted to fantasize increases. I feel a big difference with my previous attempts, I think because I really block all fantasies. when a fantasy comes up I block it with rationalizing: "I feel tempted to fantasize of ....., because it destracts me from the present". I want to live in the present and reality, but that means that I have to solve my shit: my anger and anxiety.

    Still reading in "no more mister nice guy". It's really confronting, but I want to apply it to my life. Actually already started. Besides I am thinking of going to a man's therapy group that starts in January. Talking about sexuality, relations, leadership, etc. Bit afraid of it, but it would really speed up the process. I just don't want to go back to .....well, you know...

    thanks for reading,

    gilgamesj
     

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