I am, scratch that, was an ill porn addict

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Iamahumanbeing, Mar 2, 2015.

  1. Long story short I had to create a new user name because of password issues and I have no idea what email I used to sign up for "Iamahumanbeing". I think I was so embarrassed by starting a journal about shemale and pornography abuse I created some random email and then just totally forgot about it.

    Ok....so I had a crazy realization this week.....so much learned.

    I finally accepted a few emotions I've been struggling with.

    Lonliness.....it's so lonely sometimes. But that's ok....everyone is lonely. Everyone is lonely. All the time. Everyone wants a hug, everyone wants love and everyone wants to be validated. So I accepted this human condition. And it really bonded me with people. Monday I hung out with some friends and played a board game and then went to the movies. My friend snuck me in a tall boy of PBR and it felt ecstatic. He thought about me and did something for me unexpected!! That made my whole week. Tuesday I had a friend over to watch soccer and it was great. I never realized why people came over other peoples houses, like what's the draw of certain people over other people? Well it's def a case of a few things. number one is a welcoming environment. If you have a lot of pictures and nice lighting and comfortable couches people will want to be with you. Also food choices, beer, water, snacks, etc...all these things people really appreciate it. I always thought you needed to have like all sorts of crazy amazing things to do or share, but really it's just simple stuff like that that makes it worthwhile. I made homemade popcorn and I always use to be paranoid about people liking me or my stuff, but nowadays I'm pretty confident in my cooking abilities and it was wonderful and great to share something I'm good at and also have someone feel good about something I gave them.

    Wed. night I was lonely because a lot of my friends were out of town. Instead of watching porn or doing drugs or something stupid, I texted a buddy who I knew was in town and we hung out and bonded. Had a great night chillin, watching t.v. and soccer and just bullshitting. Just really letting it fly and shooting the shit. It was again, ecstatic.

    Family was great on Thursday... my cousins are good and we just shot the shit, made jokes, got some laughts and caught up. I also was really good about sitting in space and accepting silence....there doesn't always have to be communication. I don't always have to be the center of attention. Just being around those people makes me feel safe and sound.

    Then I went to my biological families party...................dear lord.....o my god........so sad. It was just a room full of people waiting to die. They were so negative, so down, so judgemental, so full of hot air and sadness....my cousin is having a baby, and it should be a joyous time....but you can tell it was just off...like it was a really weird vibe.

    My sister and dad had a huge fight.....my dad was suppose to bring her home at night, she was staying at his house. She ran back into my aunts house crying right after she left...apparently her and dad had a fight in the car because my dad's new girlfriend was going to be over the next day. My sister doesn't like this women, and doesn't want to hang with her. Dad wants to be with this women, even though she isn't good for him, is a gold digger and is not very attractive. So what does dad do? He says too bad, deal with it, you have to meet her and she is staying over.....so my dad, on a holiday, puts his new girlfriend over the comfort of his own blood daughter....unreal. Instead of dropping my dad with a left cross, I just hugged my sister, ,bought her ice cream and talked to my dad like a man.........it's so sad. He has no emotions except co-dependency, stubbornness, wussiness, sadness, neediness, depression,, etc. I looked in his eyes and he's lost....he has no one to talk to and even when people push him away he still has his mom to fall back to and talk to and she enables him....when she dies he will be completely alone, and I don't know if I want to deal with the burden of being his crutch. Part of me wishes he was dead.....that really kills me to say that, but it's true...it's such a weight and I know that's not what I really want, it's just that I don't have the mental strength to deal with it and also manage my life, and I just have to vent and keep building my mental resolve.

    I think one of the biggest divisions I made this week and a huge strength gain was differentiating the emotions of money vs. emotions. Making money can be a trap, and it's one I fell into because of my father and the beliefs he instilled upon me. Money is everything, money is life, work till you die, money is not to be spent on others, only yourself. My dad was Mr. Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. When I talk or hang with him, I'm not strong enough to quell those emotions. I'm getting better, but the separation is still hard to instill.

    Which leads me to my relapses this week.... I knew all this stuff was going to happen....I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew this week would be emotional. So instead of rolling with it, I tried to numb myself with tranny porn on Monday............................it sucked. I guess the only plus was that I was attracted to the lips and tits of the shemales, and everything else really gross, like really freakin gross and I ended up cumming to the pics of something else. I'm pissed I did it but I knew the reason and I will learn and move on.

    The nice thing was after all of the holiday shit went by.....I started to turn my attraction over. I went out to a bar Friday and met some cool chicks, and kept things light. And this one girl I met was super sexy and was eating food sexy like and dropping hints.....and I was all over it.. It built up and it was great. I missed out because their uber came while I was inside. I was really pissed and a part of me knew it was my self-sabatoge coming up...I could have easily held my piss in and went in this cab and gone to the east village and tore it up....but instead I went back in the bar, came out and was alone, ,lol. Learning moment!!! I was depressed and upset, but I gained confidence and also learned to roll with things and keep it in flow state.

    Crazy thing was I dreamed about her that same night. In the dream she was giving me a fantastic blowjob, and took a huggggge load to the face. It was wonderful, lol.

    Next night I had another dream about a beautiful mixed race women. She wanted me to fuck her as hard as possible in her ass. I was in a dangerous area and felt off. I ignored my intuition that told me to run away. Instead I pulled out my dick, pushed her against the wall and fucked her in the ass raw and hard. It was dopamine incredible, what a rush. But then mid fuck a man in a ski mask comes out behind me and execution style shoots me in the head and I slump over dead......

    I think it is a warning about sex and money....that those are both big things, but not the end all be all....Relationships and human connection are the most important thing in the world............everything else doesn't really matter.

    I'm trusting myself now in this next stage of my life...there's time's when my body and mind tell me to do something and I might feel uncomfortable or anxious or weird or iffy.....but....I know I am changing, I know a lot of stuff is new for me and also I know that I'm weak in some areas and have to improve on those things.

    Right now I'm watching some motivational speakers and dating coaches and cringing because I know they are right, I know they are pointing out mistake I make. I know they are right, but I don't want to admit it....I just want to keep doing the same thing I'm doing and hope women change to me.......yeah good luck.

    I'm gonna keep the change going, gonna keep the emotions rolling and keep it fresh and clean.......ok now I'm just mumbling and full of hot air. Need a nice night of relaxing and recovering from a draining week.
     
  2. Wow..........I also kind of found a sense of self-expression.....like I can't explain it, but there's like an overall vibe people give off. I was giving off self hate vibes, aggressive, selfish, judgemental, faggy, self sabatoging, etc. And I really sat with that today and felt it. I really felt the fakeness of it. I felt the pastness of it. Like I can't describe it but I really am almost two different people. I'm a confident cool guy, but also one who can smell the breath of a pervy weird pyhcopath who use to be in my head, and he's right behind me. And I can feel it now. Instead of living it and letting it control me, I'm actually feeling it and not liking it. I don't want it anymore. I don't want these feelings. And man my brain is actually helping me try to get rid of em....my brain is seeing beauty and normal conversations and people. Instead of letting people influence me or judge me I really have the ability to just be present and accept myself and have an experience with the person I'm with. The whole world melts away when I connect with a person. Man or women. The man connection with friends is great. It's like a protection, or a teammate or a bond of having fun and having each others back and someone to look out for me. And with women it's such a nice thing to have a conversation with a women, to feel her heat, to notice the curves, the makeup and the scent of a women.....dam it's just beautful to interact with them.....I have to accept that and keep going and keep accepting the change and the unkown. I can do this and I will do this.
     
  3. And it's also ok to have disagreement with people or not get along. Sitting with that conflict makes me feel great. It's great to learn and to see another human being who has another view point. Like this person is the same speices as me but has a completely different view of the world. And to dig into that, without judgement, that is a really cool thing and something that is not normal from where I came from. Perfectionism is the only way from my past. But now I want to talk to everyone, I want to talk and conversate and get out and have great lengthy discussions about life and things and just kickass.
     
  4. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Been thinking something a few days back. A person who has 2x more money than the other. Isn't 2x more successful. The only difference is he has 2x the number on his bank account.

    It is a shame that we as a society are so obsessed with objective measures with numbers that we forget it is possible to have subjective measures.

    Most people are idiots even if they are your own blood.
     
  5. Holy fuck..............my life is changing at a breakneck pace. I can't believe how easy it seems now buy how hard it once was.

    Ok so I was at work today and in my office and a women was complaining about her new husbands shitty kids, about her long commute, yada yada yada. I'm cool with that if you have to vent, but she was just like seethingly negative....it was incredibly off putting. Instead of going with it I asked her if she had ever heard about Youtube "Trending" videos. We then watched a couple, shared a laugh and also shared a mutual dislike for a video we did not understand. Boom!! Was really proud of myself in dealing with conflict and negative energy. I wasn't rude, I let her vent and when she went too far I steered the conversation elsewhere.

    I also had a Professional Development day today, and I told myself I was going to stay relaxed, centered, and was going to talk to women in a non-threatening way and enjoy the conversation. I sat down two seats away from a beautiful co worker. Not too far away, not too close. I don't want to date her or have sex with her because I don't date co-workers, but this would be great practice. After a half hour we broke up into group and me and her were together. I kept things light, kept things natural and we had a great conversation and interaction. No stress, no judgements, no worries.

    I also didn't crave or try to be the center of attention. I just put myself in conversation when I could, tried to create and talk to people and didn't force anything. We went to an exhibit that the school had setup on Anne Frank, and it was wonderful, really powerful. I tried to comment or talk about it with a co-worker and he wasn't having it, he was grumpy and wanted to go home. No sweat, that's his problem not mine.

    Also I finally have gotten to the place where I can deal with negative people and not relate to them. For awhile I was in a limbo state. I was neither positive nor negative, both types of emotions had a huge impact on me and it was incredibly draining. I was trying to learn and practice positive mindsets while also warding off negativity and fighting addiction. I literally could not tune out negativity. I guess because my conditioning was when I saw drama or negativity was to join in, or try to be a open ear or try to just agree. Now I have a few techniques or defenses setup so when I see it happening I can steer the convo somewhere else or escape.

    I had plans to go to the gym today, but I cancelled them. I knew something was rumbling in my head, but I couldn't figure it out. Instead of going to the gym, I just sort of opened my computer and stumbled upon a youtube video and took it's advice. It said to go somewhere with no phone, distractions or stimulus and just sit with your thoughts and ask yourself two questions "What do I hate about my life?" and "What do I want to do more of in my life that I currently am lacking?"

    So I sat in my room, in the dark, with no tech or people around me and asked those questions in my head. I really just let it roll. At first the typical thoughts came up: Go to the gym, jerk off, check instagram, text a fat chick, eat cheese,etc . But after awhile those thoughts faded. And in there place came other ones. Signup for your soccer team, organize a poker night. It also dawned on me about my social and work life. A lot of times I slack at work and don't get work done and then have to do it at home....this gives me a built in excuse to not have a social life because work is the most important thing in the world. So now what I have to do is get my shit done at work and allow the time and space for people to come over and hang and chill and interact more with people. It really is underrated how nice it is to have another dude around to hang and have time to interact, it's so cool to have conversation. And vice versa, having feminine energy around is great too. Not even to get laid, just to be near a beautiful women is a wonderful feeling.

    I think I might throw up, lol. Too much change I'm overwhelmed.
     
  6. One more thing!! Boredom. Everyone is bored after college, well that's not true but a lot of people are. By reaching out to people and trying to organize things it shows people I care and also gives people a chance to invite me to do things they like and form relationships.

    Two things I have to get off my chest that are annoying me because they are ingrained family constructs that are almost like genetic.

    1. I am 33, single and have no current prospects to date or get married or have kids. This is an "embarrassement" to my shit family. Fuck them. That's still hella young, and I now have my head on my shoulders and can actually have real meaningful relationships instead of just checking off a box on some invisable and unwritten social list.

    2. I may never buy a house and that's ok. Again, every person in my family wants to know when I am going to buy a house. Ummmmm yeah that's insane to me. I love the coziness of apartments and the shared social space of parks, bars and other social environments.

    I don't need a wife, I don't need kids and I don't need a house to be happy.
     
  7. Phew......ok wow crazy dreams last night. I was being robbed. My house was being robbed at my hometown house. I was the only one who was defending it! There was all these corrupt cops surrounding my house and they were trying to shoot me. I was fighting them off and hitting them and protecting the house and my family....and they weren't doing anything. They were just sitting there watching t.v. and hanging out like nothing was going on....Like I'm over here fighting off a half dozen invaders and they aren't doing anything. And even after I defeated and defended the house, no one gave me a fucking compliment. Not a god dam thing. And then my grandma and dad were on a beach somewhere relaxing.

    I could really feel the aniexty in the dream, and I think that's because that is still an emotion I struggle with. All day I was anxious and it was almost like I'm afraid to let it pass through me or accept it because it was such a large part of my life.

    I feel also the dream was a way to realize and accept just how anxious I was when I was a young child and trying to help me break forward and realize that that part of my life is over. I mean when I really dive into my childhood, it was nothing but aniexty. Like it was just pure aniexty. Aniexty about going to school because I knew I didn't have the social skills to survive, so I was always so defensive. And because of the perfectionist background I just refused to allow my emotions to come through. And then when I went home I had a brother and sister who were also anti-social and two parents that didn't get along and were always either tense, fighting, or not talking to one another. So aniexty was my wall. Aniexty was my emotion that came through what felt like 24/7. Aniexty was my shell, my crutch, my wall, my personality if we are really being honest about it.

    So it was kind of like when I was going through no-fap, I was almost like building up myself behind this wall of aniexty. I was sort of auto-piloting through life while figuring out myself from behind that wall. So I would peak forward out of the aniexty, take a look around, try something and usually get embarassed back into my shell. But each time I was embarrassed or made a mistake I learned a little something else and got strounger. And eventually I came out of my shell for longer and longer periods of time. And the less porn and alcohol and drugs I used, the more stuff I had to talk about and do and share. Right now I feel like I'm at the point where I can go whole hog and really dive into myself and my being and just be me 100%.

    Which again, I feel is very hard for me because my genetic history of perfection. I mean if I really talk it out loud I had a military great grandfather, a grandfather in the military and a dad that was into military history. There is a lot of pride, aggression and disipline in there...all good things in small doses.
    I am just so far away from that it blows my mind. It really is a big part of my aniexty I think talking about my family. But I have to get over that and recognize everyone's family has shit, and the more honest I am with my people the more connection it is.
     
  8. What a day......I cried so much today. I finally felt happy today. It was only for like five minutes, but it was pure happiness. Like, I was driving home from work and I just like started to see all the positives. Like I saw a wendy's, and I love Wendy's. I saw birds and water and beer signs and sun and all these pretty things. And I didn't notice the bad stuff! And even at work, people noticed me and I was in control and confident. It went away and the aniexty came back for the a bit but it was ok because I had a taste of heaven. Also I have become terrible at poker the past two games.....because i can't hide my emotions anymore!!!!! People read me like a book and it was actually ok. I'd rather have a personality then be great at poker.

    I also cried a lot because I now have friends, roommates and other people to talk to.....I don't need my family anymore......they created a system of co-dependency, drama and negativity to keep themselves sane.....I was conditioned that family was god and we have to stick together and complain and protect each other from the evil world......that's unhealthy.....tonight though I looked at my phone and realized I had all these new people to talk to, all these people to connect to, all these people to love...I can love now...I love so many people, and I love company...I just broke down when I realized this. I finally have given up the need for validation from my fam or a need to contact or connect with them....I finally have a decent social life. I think it still can and will get better, and I;m excited to keep going and also to date and hit on hotter women....here goes nothing I am so scared. So nervous. So afraid. So afraid!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's an awesome story. It's so good that you finally had a glimpse of the results of your hard work socially. Sometimes our genetic family isn't the best for us, best you can do is find a better family then ;)
     
  10. I should just receive money and do nothing for it and live like a king and be given free blowjobs at will and travel the world. Credit card debt? Not for me you silly fools. I will fly around and you will pay me to come to your area to be honored by my presence. Roads and speed limits? Nah dog I don't need any of that in my life, I'm going to go as fast as I want whenever I want.

    Soooooooooooooooo then I ended up with 11 grand in credit card debt, a shit driving record, no friends or family for support and a shit apartment in the bowels of Queens.

    And I love the fact that I did all of that. I love it. I loved that I dug a hole and enjoyed every minute of it and spun out of control and was a wreck and a mess. Now I have paid the debt down to around 5 grand. The driving record went from 6 bad marks to only 2. The friends and family are now entrenched. It feels great to be on the verge of balance.

    And work too. For the longest time I was only putting about 20 percent of myself into work. I was slacking, just wanted to go home and didn't give a shit about the work, students or anything. But now I really am kicking ass. I'm using my creativity to pull amazing talents out of my classes, I'm decorating my room to make it feel like home and I'm bonding with the co-workers I like and not dealing with the complainers. And I can see it too. I can like see and bond with the creativity and also see and avoid all the negativity. And it's like a sickness. Negative people I believe actually have a disease, and if you are around them it will infect you.

    I had a dream last night. I was in the streets of NYC. I was in the mood for a doughnut. So I made the choice to go to a doughnut store and got a delicious doughnut. I had the chance to steal one or eat one off the shelf....but I did not. I bought one and then saw some of my old friends in the store making fun of me and calling me a pussy. I didn't care! I wanted a doughnut and I got one. Then I went outside and a beautiful women was there and she smiled at me as I walked down the street eating the doughnut. I think this means I am getting more comfortable with my choices in life and making new choices going forward. I know that life is unpredictable and I still have a bit of an ego and self-righteousness to get over, but it is subsiding.

    As for women, I had a huge night last night in terms of communication. My roommates friend is a beautiful Italian women. She has a bf and is very happy and positive. A perfect person for me to talk to and sort of understand and practice some communication skills with the opposite sex and not make it creepy, just friendly. We had a great night and talked and laughed and shared each others cultures and ideas and likes. It was wonderful. And I swear about three hours into hanging she gave me the look of "I would have sex with you if I was single" that was a huge confidence boost for me.

    She came with another friend who was playing a small open mic show at a local parks center. I played backup guitar, which is new for me. Uusually I want to be front and center, but this night I just enjoyed being on stage. It was magical! We played great guitar, people loved it and were quiet as a mouse listening. Afterwards thought he was pissed...the mic stand wasn't close enough to his lips, so no one could really hear him. You could tell this ripped him apart inside. He was devestated. We complimented everything else and were very positive, but he only focused on the negative.......

    And then BBOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM. I got hit with a bomb of a realization. I was just like that. For the longest time I only saw the negatives in life. If 99 things happened great and one thing happened bad, I would focus on the one thing bad. It was that stupid fairy tale perfectionist mentality. If it wasn't perfect, it wasn't great. I couldn't enjoy anything. It was all just adrenaline, negativity, depression, anger and competiveness. Now though I realize that life is crazy and difficult. It's so important to enjoy the little things, or really just enjoy anything good. A great smoothie, a nice cloud, a friendly face, an invite to a party, a small bird whistling, a clean yard, a nice hedge, a clean car, a fresh smell. The more I heal, the more I am able to enjoy things. It use to be only like skydiving or extreme travel would get me to a level of dopamine........wow that makes total sense. My mom died and I was a porn addict...I was number then a shot of novacine. As I healed and as I went through the stages of grief (At the same fucking time, holy hell how did I not quit my job or commit suicide or go insane) I was able to bring those dopamine levels back down to a more balanced (word of the day) level and also to allow myself to be comfortable because my emotions weren't at extremes.

    Grief...I am in stage five. Acceptance. I miss my mom so very much. She was a great teacher. I think that is the thing I take the most from her. The thing I really appreciate. She knew I was fucked up, but did not make fun of me. Did not call me weird. Did not try to change me. She saw the stage that I was at, knew it was a long journey and knew it would take time. That more then anything else is what she gave me. The ability to realize things take time. I wish so much I could hug her one more time and have her feel the comfort and understand the BEAST of a man I am becoming. I mean I am not a beast that's a bit much, I'm just turning into me and can relate to people.

    Ok there is more to say but I need food and to go out and get some stuff done. Here's hoping this all gets better and keeps going forward.
     
  11. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. So nice. Great weekend. I have a life. I have so many friends here in NY. I did another social climb this week. I left behind again my old social circle of nerotic, rediculious, immature and zany friends and moved on to people my age who are cool, want to grow, want to have fun, are really chill and are just good people. I love it, I feel so comfortable when I go out now, it's really nice to be social. Like it's just a really nice feeling to be social. It's comfort. It's support. I love people. I also have two really nice women in my life right now who I am trying to date and hang with and it feels good. It all just is starting to feel good.
     
  12. Wow..........what a dream last night. Two parts. First, I was on a beach. I was running after a baby and I was out of breath because I was so tired. But I was happy. The baby is smiling and it is mine and I am so happy to be a father. I think that means I am older and ready to actually have a child eventually and am up to the task of creating a family of my OWN. I then had another dream about me being in a classroom. There are huge desks, chairs, a blackboard and nice windows. I'm in the back, being a fuck off as usual. I then look around and all these women are staring at me. They want to have sex with me...with me!!! I'm the only one who they are looking at and it is a deep stair. I have a choice. One was a hot girl I met last night. One was a cute girl I met Saturday night. Another was a sketchy weird crazy black women. So me being the lazy piece of shit I am, I don't want to put the effort in and to try and hang with the hot or cute girl, so I go for the black chick. We go outside and in broad daylight in front of the whole school she starts aggressively sucking my dick. And then she tells me to fuck her on top of a car. She's very ugly and not clean or hygenic. I begin to look around and people are shocked. Everyone is snapchatting and instagraming and posting. I am insanaely embarrassed. I feel awful. I feel like my life is over. I feel this dream was me realizing that having sex means nothing. Sex is not important without an emotional attraction or feelings or history. It also showed me I'm getting over my racism but still a little racist. I was fucking a black chick in the dream, but she still was ugly and very sterotypical.

    Also last night i stopped using instagram and almost all social media and left my phone in my pocket all night. I was social, chill, bonded with people, and even met a few people. I also got out of a few conversations that weren't going well. If a convo didn't feel right, I moved on. I felt no need to try and force or save conversations. If it didn't work out I moved on and kept things in flow. I only talked to people who connected with me. And the more I become myself the more I feel like I have relationships.

    This part is hard because I now am leaving behind yet another social group. I had a few people my age that I was hanging out with and it was ok. We met through a soccer team and played poker and watched a lot of soccer games together. But he is extremely immature, has no goals, has no confidence, is very un-masculine and we are slowly drifting apart. I feel really guilty because dam I mean we had a good time when I was still partying and drinking heavily and not really caring about the future, but now that base of foundation of our "relationship" is gone. I don't like this and I def feel that I have guilt issues (Irish Catholic, surprise surprise)

    OK, let's really dive into this guilt and validation thing. Why do I feel guilty? Because my family was a culture about helping others, trying to be perfect and ignoring their own problems.

    So this makes sense in terms of guilt. When I feel guilty about not being able to help someone or not having a relationship work I cannot let it go. A normal person recognizes the dissonance, sees that it is unhealthy and moves on. But someone like me has to save the relationship, has to stay friends with the person and cannot let it die. It's the same in my classroom. Instead of just teaching and having the students get what they deserve, I have to have every student pass and be perfect and I feel guilty about myself because I have failed them. NOT TRUE. They have failed themselves. I have done the best job that I can and the lesson is awesome and it is there fault if they fuck up.

    I have to realize this in all aspects of my life. It is probably going to cause some conflict, but thankfully I am use to and accept conflict is a part of my life and is necessary to move forward and meet people I like. I'm not looking forward to this but I know I will be able to handle it.

    This also leads me to feel about masculine and feminine energy. There is an energy to masculinity. I was always jealous of it. I would sense it in athletes, buisness owners, some celebrities and rock bands. Hairy chests, slow movements and talk, easy going, relaxed and magnetic. I was jealous of it because I didn't have it. Now I allllllllllllmost have it, and am getting close to man hood. And it's awesome to feel women become ATTRACTED to me. I was able to talk to women sometimes because I was treating them as gender equals. I wasn't flirting or anything, I was just keeping conversations stagnant and blase. But now I am starting to express myself and enjoy beauty and enjoy the scent of a women and realize that a lot of stuff I grew up thinking about women was WRONG

    - Women like a man who works hard
    - Women want a man with a lot of money
    - Women are not horny
    - Women are dumber then men
    - Women can't survive on their own.
    - I will be best friends with my wife and we will do everything together
    - Me and my wife will never fight

    All awful, awful stereotypes. Now I know what they want. A man who has his own life, hobbies, interests and opinions. A man who is in touch with his emotions. A man who is always changing. A man who takes care of himself. A man who does not need validation.

    I've been calling more people on the phone and practicing conversation. It's exhausting. I've never cared about anything but money or porn. Those were my loves. Now that it is changing I am creating new pathways and destroying old ones, so my brain is just like "fuckkkkkkkkkk you" And holy hell is a conversation nerve wracking. I don't want to say anything stupid which is still a fear. I want to like always be positive but I can't do that. I have to just let it fly, mix it up and talk about everything. It's not a sign of weakness if I have something I need to complain about. It's actually the opposite. Friends are their to rely on and help me.

    Which brings me to Saturday night. I met this pretty little women at a local bar and we talked and my personality traits came up and one we shared was independence and she noticed how proud I was of it. She then said "You know, it's not a bad thing to be dependent on others sometimes." Wow, what a line. She was right. I was so independent and not sharing my emotions with others I was isolating myself. For awhile this was good because it allowed me to rid myself of the bad influences and energy sucking vibes of my former negative friends, family and co-workers. But now I have to let go of that. I have to accept that life is very hard and I need other people along the way to help me out and take care of some of my needs for me. The older I get the less I will be able to do stuff on my own. This felt great once I let it sink in and can't wait to practice it more.

    In terms of myself I am also being more honest and open. My mom died..... 6 years ago will be this Janurary 15th. I can't believe I'm still alive after that. I tried to kill myself at least twice during those years. That's a heavy burden. I also lost so much time. I mean she was diagnosed when I was 24 so it's almost like my life paused right there and I aged 9 years without any progress. Just a slow steady loss of love, and then grief, and then addiction and depression rehab. I mean I literally went through everything you could possibly have go wrong with me in my entire life in a ten year period.

    So now I accept it. Everyone knows it about me. I acted like it was my secret, but come on when someone's mom dies that young everyone labels me as "shit there's that tragic soul who's mom died." and I have to accept that and not see it as embarrassment, but more see it as the fact that people are going to offer me love, support and emotional caring vibes IF AND ONLY IF I remain open and honest in expressing my sadness which will allow me to accept it fully. This I also feel is changing. I opened up to a co worker and a friend today about my grief and it felt good. I feel I didn't open up before about my life because before I still had a lot of shitty people in my life so I didn't want to share with them because they would either ignore me, give bad advice or not want to talk about it at all with the ol "Hey let's go out and get you hammered to get over it!" routine, which we all know is the worst thing you can do.

    So here I am now. 33, a teacher, living in NYC and commuting to work everyday. Making new friends, going to they gym, playing soccer, playing guitar, talking to people, biking, hiking, trying to eat healthy and enjoy life. Let's see what happens next.
     
  13. Also I never really thought I was that attractive. I would see people, and think that EVERYONE was better looking then me. Like the janitor, the students, all the other teachers, the librarians, etc.

    Now that I am taking care of myself (sort of) I find myself noticing real beauty. I find myself noticing people that don't take care of themselves. I find myself being repulsed by certain people. I find myself thinking "wow I look really good today." I find myself noticing people becoming uncomfortable around me because of my presence. People are like able to feel my masculine energy.

    Speaking of work, I can't believe I haven't been fired yet. I've taught for 8 years now, and I did so right out of college and have literally not done anywork those 8 years. I made shit lessons, sometimes no lessons at all, I would sleep during my prep periods, I would collect tests and not grade them and just throw them out, I would collect work and just throw it out, I would not care about kids who needed my help, and I would make a lot of spelling mistakes and create shit questions and not challenge the kids and not do bulletin boards or decorations. Now all of that is getting better and I finally feel like a teacher who is actually doing a job.

    Also I need to accept the slow flow of conversation. Sometimes now when a friend calls me and asks how's (insert topic) I talk about that topic and also seven other things I am doing because I am excited. That must be massively confusing to people. I did it today with one friend when he asked how's things going and I went "work is good, I'm playing soccer, I'm playing softball, I'm seeing shows" That is crazy overwhelming!! Instead of doing that I need to accept that we need to go one topic at a time (aka conversations about sports first, then when that fizzles go with music, then go with women, and keep going) I hope this will get better and I feel it will as I get better with social skills.
     
  14. Fucckkkkk did I hit a wall today. So many connections clicked and they were all devastating.

    My mom taught. My dad loved history. We were a very traditional and strict family, so I was groomed to be a history teacher. I followed that path and did so like a good little boy. I loved calling home and getting my mom's sweet, sweet validation talking about class and students and who I was helping and so forth.

    When she passed away, my whole world was shook. No one cared anymore about my students, no one listened to me or cared. And I realized it was because I didn't care either. I was only teaching for my mom's validation, I didn't really enjoy what I did. I liked the time off and the short hours, but the actual work is extremely stressful, boring, tedious and I get so much disrespect from students. I go home everyday now and am in physical pain from the emotional toll. I was so focused on the $ (I make over 80k) and the time off that I didn't notice I was pummeling my emotions into the ground by using porn. And a lot of the porn was very dominating and disrespectful, which fit right into what I was getting from the students....I actually got off on the rudeness...I weirdly enjoyed it.

    Now though it drives me insane. I can sense the rudeness, I can sense the disrespect, and I want to beat the fuck out of my students. If someone in real life gave me lip or insulted me I would fuck then up.

    I'm at a total loss. I'm emotionally a wreck because now I'm not putting up a wall anymore, emotions are coming in and I can't stop them. And having 100 students everyday is a lot of emotion to deal with. It's like a wave every class hits me....I don't know if I can do that for 20 more years.

    Looking back now I have overcome the early stages of grief, addiction and social aniexty.....All three I fought simultaneously, all three are waning.....but now I am like pulled apart at the seems.....what parts of my old life do i keep, who do I trust...
     
  15. I think a big part of it is that I don't want to hurt people feelings. And a few moves.coming up in my life are.going to do that. I'm going to leave some friends behind, I'm drifting apart from people and toward new relationships. Certain family wants to be a part of my.life and I have to say no. Learning how to say no and how to walk away from things is a huge lesson I have to still learn. Being myself is the most important thing right now, everything else is secondary.

    Also I have to accept and grow the masculine parts of my life and accept them as new. My old ways of rolling over, not speaking up, agreeing politely, not taking what I want, not calling people out, etc are gone.

    Now I have to get used to slow and smooth conversation, strong eye contact, good posture, present moment thinking and confidence in descions. The descion one is really new for me. It always weirded me out when I had to make a choice. I would always just go along with the crowd like a sheep bitch. Now though I am starting to lead, which is exhausting, but I'm hoping down the road it will become normalized.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2016
  16. YES!!!!!!!!!!! Ah it's so easy to get with women. It's a fucking joke. Well no that's not true. I have put in HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS of work, practice, time and experience. Now I have it. I have attraction. I went out all this weekend and this week and I am now the magnet. It use to be the opposite. I would walk into a bar and be desperate and want to fuck anything and everything. And I would struggle. Now.....I'm a beast. I have women rubbing against me, grabbing my arms as they pass, eye fucking me, easing into my presence. I talked to a ton of beautiful women this week as well and it's such a different ball game. They love the chase. It is so much more of a game. They do things differently. A confident beautiful women is such an experience to talk to. Some I talked to and found out they had a bf. Some were engaged. But two were single and one we kissed at the bar and then she left but gave me her number. Then we texted and planned things back and forth and it was such a different flirting experience. It was fantastic.
     
  17. YOU ARE OLD YOU HAVE NO FAMILY YOU WILL DIE ALONE PULL YOUR SICK OUT AT SCHOOL AND GET FIRED WAY LIKE SHIT AND DIE DIE DIE.

    Ahhhhhhh, nothing like an urge and addiction voice to make my week.
     
  18. Phew............ok. This is weird. I have like this compass now........it's so weird. Looking back on most of my life I was just reckless, careless, unemotional, conflict-avoidance, bitchy, LAZY, faggy arrogant loser dude. But now I trust myself. There are things that I am doing that I normally would avoid or not do, but I know I have to change and I am trusting them. Especially with friends and women. I have a pretty good relationship building with a friend I met at work a few years ago. It's nice not to worry, it just sort of flows. I had the chance to take home a few different women in the past two weeks, but did not....and I'm glad. That is so unlike me. The reasons I did not go home with those women were many, but the one that sticks out the most is a story from last Saturday.

    I didn't want to go out, I was still trying to get over a cold, but my roommates dragged me out. I walked in and they looked nervous as hell! Like they were tight, looking around, weird and awkward. I was cool as hell. I walked up to the bar where they had a water spicket and grabbed a drink...a women came up and started talking to me! She was a cute little brunette with big ol tits, lol. We start talking and it was an honest conversation, and I learned A LOT about myself. I found out that I was too independent...I wasn't letting anyone in because I was fearful of being hurt, rejected, etc. She said it's not a weakness to be dependent on other people, that's what makes life worthwhile. And it changed my life so much. I realized people are the most important thing in my life...good people that is. All week I tried to move toward that, and it was a great success. I made new friends, was very social and had some great conversations. I also have approached life through a viewpoint of needing nothing. I use to have conversations and experiences and take, take, take, take. I was such a dick!! But now I go in and try to give everything away, give love, give compliments, give gifts....it is very sad that this is hard for me to do, and feels weird....but I know it is the right thing and feels good after I do it.

    I'm also rapidly changing in terms of my appearance and who I am attracted to. I use to always think everyone in the world was more attractive then me, I could never feel good looking. Now it's like the opposite....now I feel like bad for a lot of guys and men that I see because they are disheveled, tired looking, crazed, creepy or weird. And women too....I'm reallllllllllllllly locking in and feeling the feminine energy. This whole week I noticed women being sort of pulled toward me, and I have been getting into lots of conversations and flirts with women and not being desperate. If it works out, great. If not, I'm not going to freak out or be needy or try to chase. Natural is natural.

    It's like I am a magnet. I have this presence. I feel large. I feel at ease with my body and like I'm balanced with my health. I'm proud of my fitness, diet, eating habits and body. It is not all the time, and I do have moments of doubt, but it's getting better.

    I'm worried about work though. I really have drifted a part from a lot of co-workers. Most male teachers are very bitchy, nerdy pushovers with very low social skills or masculinity.....I am also a little bored now being a teacher....I teach the same lesson 5 times a day and it's a little repetitive. We will see.....for now I will recognize this and know that I have discovered these two things about my life: I was boring, my lessons were kind of boring and I was hanging with the wrong co-workers. Instead of freaking out I will try to find other co-workers to hang out with, I will try to make more interesting lessons and I will put more effort into my life instead of doing the same things over and over again.
     
  19. Two more topics to add I forgot: Numbness and fantasy/loss of control.

    Numbness: I really am a little ashamed at my drinking. Well that's not true, everyone does it when they are younger, and partying was a lot of fun. I guess I just wish I had worked on relationship building as well as the partying. Because now I realize what alcohol does to me....it numbs my emotions. When I went into a conversation or an event I was so overwhelmed by nerves or aniexty or shyness I would SLAM alcohol just so I couldn't feel anything. But now I HATE it...I hate being numb. I can remember one happy hour where I was doing great, but then I got triggered when someone asked about my mom and I just lost it. Got drunk, was numb, wasted 80 dollars and just felt like shit for the next three days. Weed, porn, alcohol, mindless instagram scrolling and other drugs all did that to me...they numb. Which can be good to help people get through tough situations, but now I don't need that. I want experiences, emotions and joys. It explains why they gym, why dates and sports and eating habits are so easy to do now. When I was numbing myself I only focused on getting back to that numbness...like the numbness was my comfort zone. So instead of focusing on bettering myself, building relationships, making friends and life improvements I just surrounded myself with other people who were numb, only did things that led to those emotions and never experienced deep connections. Now that is all changing, and it sucks to leave more people behind because some of them stuck with me through some deep shit, but now I can't vibe with them and they actually bring me down because they are still in that life.....it saddens me.

    Which is where I am now, not sad, but just sitting with all the emotions of the world. Like today I was happy, sad, lonely, relaxed, anxious, horny, complimented and a hundred others.....and it was great. It was scary but great. And what I realized is that by opening myself up to all these emotions I can move myself away from what causes the negative and more toward the positive.

    That's what makes a happy life. Is when you open yourself up to everything coming into your life. And then you begin to process what feels good, what feels bad and what feels hollow and what feels scary and what feels negative, etc. And then you can build your life to put as much positive things in your life as possible. And when you do that, people come into your life that are doing the same thing, and then you all work together to sort of create this like family of positive relationships. It can also go the opposite way........you can also get taken down by darkness, depression and negativity....which really makes me ache because I have lived through it, I have family going through it and I see it in so many people. Many times it is hard for me to accept my new amazing life of positivity because it still feels new and raw.....I must keep going in the right direction and know that the only life I can control is mine and I have to stay strong, positive and accepting.

    Which leads to my last thought on fantasy and video games. I dove so much into this life, just like a lot of men because of the control we had on the worlds. We were the hero's, we were the gods, we were invincible and we could always hit the reset button. This is so dangerous!! I see it with a lot of my male students in my classes. They are all arrogant and think they rule the world because they sort of do. In virtual reality they are kings and gods, and they take that mentality into the classroom. But in reality, they are huge losers who literally have done nothing and sleep and whittle away reality waiting for their next chance to get back into a gaming system!!

    I hadn't played fifa in about 5 months. I tried to play against one of my roommates and I lost!! I use to be pretty good, but I sucked. And I was ok with it. I was actually happy. And vice versa, now that I actually play soccer I am a leading goal scorer, the starting striker on my squad and have scored numerous highlight goals. And I will tell you what......if you asked me about the hundreds of fifa games I played, I can't name one amazing goal I scored or a victory or anything that wasn't more then a fleeting emotion. As soon as one game ended I thought of the next one and nothing more. Vice versa, I have a few memories of goals that I scored that I will hold onto for the rest of my life. And after each game the emotions and the hardwork and effort felt so good. I even have a nickname "Junkyard Dog", lol. I have no skill at dribbling and can't defend worth a lick, but just like a junkyard dog that is scrappy and survives I always manage to find the ball and put it in the net. I love that nickname, I cherish it and I will have it forever.

    And with women too. I've been rejected this whole week numerous times....but it's getting better and I'm getting a few makeouts and numbers....so much better then porn. Which again was always fleeting.

    Even with social hangs. The people I am hanging out with I don't get mad if they cancel or don't have time every now and again because I know they love me and will always be there for me and just because one plan gets cancelled or if I miss something or have to say no, it's not going to be the end of the friendship. It's all about balance and accepting that sometimes plans will change and life happens.


    Overall I guess I am learning that for every situation the fantasy aspect of it is easy to control, has limited risk and doesn't have many consequences. However, reality is far more rewarding, more longer lasting and much more rich of an emotional experience that lingers far after the experience is over.


    Last thing, and very small, but made my week. I have a beautiful older women in my building. We are friends but like not really, we don't talk a lot but respect each other and trust each other in terms of work. Wed. she came in and asked me about a gift for her husband. She said "Patrick, do men like this sort of thing." This may have been the most important question anyone has asked me this year.....She had to think of someone in the building who was manly, thought of me, came and asked me and trusted my manliness opinion...you have no idea how much that did for my confidence.

    Giving up control and going with the flow are still things I struggle with, but they are getting easier.



     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2016
  20. It's amazing how much time I have now that I am not drinking, smoking, watching porn or eating shitty. It's almost like everything is half speed. It's beautiful!! And the feminine energy I am able to pick up is incredible, I can almost sense or smell single women.
     

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