I am, scratch that, was an ill porn addict

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Iamahumanbeing, Mar 2, 2015.

  1. I was mentally ill. Till age 27, totally mentally ill. Narcissistic, sociopathic,porn addict, possible aspburgers/social aniexty. As my one therapist said "You were fucked up."

    My family is mentally ill. A grandfather and three of his relatives died of overdoses. My brother is heavily addicted to weed, porn and is depressed. My grandfather was a gambling man. Sister is a cutter, bulemic, and had an affair and with a married man and was going to have his child but got it aborted. Mom depressed, dad megalomanic workaholic.

    And then little ol me came into the world. I was controlled and doomed from day one. Never got to make my own friends, never got to to do what I wanted, I always just had to hang out and do what I was told. Instead of having play dates on the wknd, I had to go hang out with my dads friends or go to my phycho aunt's house on Saturday nights. I never thought anything of it that no one in my family had any friends. I just thought friends were something people had in movies.

    And now I'm out of it. A 31 year old man with two voices in his head. One, the addict. Slowly fading away but ever present, peeking out in moments of weakness. And then there is Patrick, the man. The man child really. People I know all make special ed jokes about me, they constantly call me kid, say 'that's just Pat".

    I stopped talking to my family and now I'm incredibly confused. My entire foundation is gone, I have to re develop my own morals, values, etc. It's just scary and I'm afraid and struggling and sad and I'm so emotional.

    The porn addiction is gone, but I just feel empty now. The real work is about to begin. No PMO is step one, but that just gets you back to square one. Now I have to live. And I will LIVE!! Whatever is inside me I will let out, no matter what it is. I will embarass myself, I will fail, I will succeed, I will be dumb, I will be happy, I will be sad, I will be ME.
     
  2. Re: I am, scratch that, was a mentally ill porn addict

    I hope you didn't pay him well for that piece of advice, did you? (fucking therapists!).


    Don't be afraid of getting out of your comfort zone ...

    http://blog.pickcrew.com/getting-out-of-your-comfort-zone-why-its-hard-and-why-you-should/

    Little by little ... you'll surely become the person you've always wanted to be ...
     
  3. Re: I am, scratch that, was a mentally ill porn addict

    haha she's known me for 2 years and has seen my growth, it was actually pretty funny when they said it but only because of how far i'd come.

    Thank you for the link and the advice. i'm impulsive so i want growth quickly, but in a way am enjoying the "unraveling" of the onion that is my development.
     
  4. quitprofoo

    quitprofoo Member

    Re: I am, scratch that, was a mentally ill porn addict

    Referring to your original post: That was great.
     
  5. Re: I am, scratch that, was a mentally ill porn addict

    So I'm trying the whole go with the flow thing and letting my real mind come out. Last night I hung out with a few people and had a good time. I didn't try to patronize or impress anyone, I just was myself. I was looking at wallets and my friend went "you def have a trifold wallet with a plastic I'd holder." I went "yup" and then he called me "such s dweeb". I looked at my wallet and he was right, it really is a dweeb wallet and I had no idea why or where I got it from. I went online and actually saw a wallet that I liked and felt good about and bought it. It may sound dumb because its just a wallet, but I think everything I add to myself that I chose and like helps.

    I also saw a picture of me when I was 9 and showed it to a few younger kids I know who hang around my neighborhood. I told them I use to be a theif......which is true!! In don't know why I said that out loud, but I did. I really was a scummy kid even up till high school. I can steal and manipulate anyone, I really am a great con artist. I stole from frjends , restaurants, I would steal from tip jars at bars, food, bathroom items. You name it I stole it. The students also said my old pic looked like " the kid who looked nice and was OK but then turned out to be a school shooter"....he was right. If I didn't heal my self I would have ended up a criminal or degenerate. I was evil. Pure evil. My dad isn't pure evil, but he's an inconsiderate asshole self centered con artist, and so I guess by observing him all my life I took those qualities and amplified them.

    It felt weirdly good to admit how awful a human being I was, because I think it helps me appreciate more the man I'm becoming today. It hurts to look back and know every picture I see from age 9~27 I was an addict. But it feels fantastic to see pics of me now and watch the healing and growth process. Its like I'm my own father re raising myself from within,while still trying to live a normal life. It overwhelms my brain sometimes, I noticed sometimes my speech blends syllables or words together. Here's hoping that stops soon.
     
  6. Re: I am, scratch that, was a mentally ill porn addict

    Change yourself. Everyday. I bought a journal, handwritten and everyday I'm going to write in it at least one thing I did to better myself or help people.
     
  7. So much change. I can't believe the hole I've dug out of and how far I've come. I feel like I'm at the midway point of social recovery. I look back and see a creepy pervert drunk sex addict. I look at myself now and see a man who has a few friends, is dating semi-stable women and has a small amount of self-esteem. I look forward and I don't know what I see, but I know that I'm starting to not have to think: I have large periods of time when I can just let my brain go and good things come out.

    I also reunited with my brother. We had good conversation all week. And while I feel really bad that my dad is still crazy and holds him back, I didn't have to mention that. We just talked in conversation and it was grand.

    I also found out that I never really got over Jessica my ex from college breaking up with me. She cheated on me, and it fucked me up until just last week. It came out when I was talking to my brother. It hurt SO much to get cheated on.....pain I never dealt with till now
     
  8. Ug. I want to give up. I want to watch shemale porn and eat key lime pie and drink till I burst and then travel to Acopoco and pass out on the beach naked. My brain is FUCKED right now. I can't talk to anyone, I mumble my speech, my wordies don't make sense. I feel like a 5 year old on a 31 year old body. My emotions are all extreme. Sadness is immense, anger immense, happiness is immense. Crazy mood swings. Loss is appetite. Depression. Evil thoughts. Really perverted thoughts. I want to fuck and be fucked and throw my shit out windows.i have weird images in my head of my mom and dad nake this is the weirdest and craziest I've felt in a long time. I have off from work next week and may sleep the whole time. Fuckkkkkkkking hell I hate withdrawal.

    I think this may have been sparked by a handjob I got last week :(
     
  9. Fucking hell I am a royal mess. I have no friends...well that's not true I have a few friends but no one close to me....how can they get close to me when all my life I was addicted to porn and making money? I guess I just have to humble myself and put myself out there. I've made a lot of mistakes and acted really stupid lately, but I'm noticing people's reactions and starting to learn. It just sucks that I can't talk to anyone about it. Like when I have a shit day I just want someone to be there to help me.....maybe it will happen, I know I have to just keep doing positive things and hope it works out for the best.

    Feeling things sucks. Now I know why I was an addict. All these new feelings of aniexty, pain, happiness, fear, wanting, lonliness, regret, empathy, pity, longing.....and they're all FUCKING INTENSE. I'm about a year and 3/4 in, I know it will get better, I know it will get better, I know it will get better, I know it will get better I KNOW IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

    One other thing I noticed was that when I went for a run last night I wanted to quit. My voice told me to quit and pull my dick out and start jerking off on the track. And I almost did it. I almost pulled my dick out and started cranking as I was running. Instead I pushed through and ran an extra lap HARD. The voice kind of went away.

    And then today with my housemates I was just kind of goofy and playing around and talking to everyone and it felt good. Someone even saw a picture of me and said I looked to serious. They were right! I am open to taking critism and it felt good to be able to take it.

    FINALLY, I played video games today, and played as the Packers vs. Seahawks. Usually I would not have played the game because the Seahawks are awesome and I don't want to ever lose. But I did and I played a great game and I won. I know, it's a video game but it still was a risk and a win.
     
  10. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    Life has begun

    OK so things are going somewhat ok now,feels like an upswing.

    My resume is out there to a few really good schools.


    I.....have a friend. I have a few friends. I'm still high stakes and a little intense, and I lost my cool at a soccer game last night, but it's getting better.

    I'm telling my family how I feel, it's causing conflict and I love it. This is how I feel, deal with it or fuck off. I will help and be compassionate, but when someone hurts me I stick up for myself.

    Dates and women are starting to come.

    I am running a half marathon in two weeks.

    I am on a soccer team.
     
  11. I don't have any people who I could consider my friends and I'm still happy almost all time so ... I guess it's not a "sine qua non" condition (I also guess I don't believe in friendship anymore).
     
  12. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    I am so confused right now. Holy hell I'm being pulled in a million directions. I'm starting to "go with the flow" a little more, and I'm scared at what its telling me to do. It's telling me to call my dad and tell him to piss off about trying to control my life. I've tried nice things, tried to bond, tried to talk, tried to listen.....all which felt right at the time. Now my brain, I think needs me to have a conflict because that's the only way I'm going to break through. I feel I have enough testosterone now to be confident and get rid of his influence. I'm guessing if I speak my my totally freely it will create a resolution. But I also fear that it might be my addiction trying to cause chaos. Lastly this has been brewing for awhile because I always say "o it's near Christmas, or its the new year, or it's someone's birthday, yada, yada yada.
     
  13. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    Tough week. Dad's birthday coming up +
    (We don't get along. He's a superficial asshole narsiccist and I'm a recovering superficial asshole narsiccist). And it's also mothers day. My mom passed away 4 years ago. I know my mom stooped loving my dad a very long time ago. My dad is clueless to this. Makes for fun dinner tension. I wish my whole family would just die, that would make things easier. I cannot believe the level of anger I'm at right now. I will not PMO. I will vent to my friends, enjoy the hockey game and make my own life.
     
  14. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    Dear penis,

    Hello old friend, just wanted to reach out to you. Not to touch you or use you, more just too make sure you're still attached to me. Haven't really seen or felt you in awhile, in any regard. A cute girl walls by? Go home and jerk off to her. Hot girl in the subway? Pull your dick out. Girl on the dance floor? Pull your dick out. Come on JERK OFF AND WATCH PORN!!!!! DO OT DO IT DO IT NOW!!!!!!! NOW YOU FUCKING BITCH ASS CUNT OF A WHORE BAG FAGGOT DICK LICKER ASS CUNT....

    Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. But you're still a faggot ass bitch who will NEVER find love, so go kill yourself you commie fuck nugget. Who could ever love your shitty lifestyle? Why don't you just go hit on underage girls at a frat party, that will be EASY. DO IT BANG AN UNDERAGE FAT CHICK WHO IS JUST AS DESPERATE AS YOU. Eat her pussy and ruin the dreams of her parents. Get a hooker. Do heroine and coke. Eat pie a lot of fucking pie and then shit in public with your dick out while burning a flag and pissing on a picture of mother Teresa.

    ......just had to get all that out somewhere. That's ALL my addiction voice, the real me needs to come forth and defeat the devil.
     
  15. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    Mothers day. My mom passed away 4 years ago. The last thing she ever said to me was "I hope you're not to weird to ever find someone to love you." HOLY FUCK that must have been hard for her. She always stood by me, through the whole mess of my childhood, knowing that I was fucked up,knowing that I was an angry, socially backwards, bitchy narcissist who was stubborn and headstrong. She also knew, deep down that I would come out of it. Or maybe not, maybe she was just a typical mom who believed no matter what she had to love her son. She smiled when I brought home girls who were just as messed up as me. She smiled through my bad friends and bad choices. She was proud when I graduated and survived college. She saw the goodness start to blossom then. She was proud when I signed my teaching contract, and fulfilled a life long dream to be a teacher (and the dream of two months off every year). Getting cancer when I first got my job probably devestated her. She knew I was on the right path, but was afraid she now wouldn't get to see me finally live out my potential.....and she was right. She got sick and that sent me into an addiction tailspin. I buried myself in it, not knowing what to do, not having the tools to adapt to pain, I ran from it.

    She also told me to "Trust your heart" which I never really even used until she said that. I always thought with my dick or my wallet. Now it's my head and my heart. If she didn't tell me that advice I might not be here.

    Now it's been 4 years since her passing. I'm 31 years old and live with 4 roommates in Brooklyn, which is a little embarrassing. But, I know it's temporary, they are helping me build my social circle and I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in awhile. My family relationships are frayed, but my brother is coming around so I know we will be friends in the future. And most importantly I'm dating and hanging out with beautiful women. I still am not the smoothest spoon in the cupboard, but beautiful women have started to notice me and every date, rejection, success or whatever is a step forward.

    My mom can't see me, or the person I've become and who will become down the road. That hurts more then anything in the world. I just want to call her and say. "MOM, I did it. I HAVE A LIFE!!!! I have emotions and problems and friends and enemies and financial worries and girls that like me and sports that I play.....I take solace in the fact that she made an incredible sacrifice to help me, and now in turn I try to do the same for people around me in my life.

    Hope everyone has a good mothers day.
     
  16. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    I am running a half marathon in honor of my mom this week, and I have a few dates. I'm also almost fully broken away from my families negativity. I went for a little 4 mile run today and at the end it came to me what I have to do.....more news to come.

    Also when I see a girl now I think "I can't wait to go home and jerk off to her." :( the thought, comes , I let it pass and then try to picture her with me and me taking her in my bed. Here's hoping the mind training works
     
  17. Turtle556

    Turtle556 Guest

    ''Why don't you just go hit on underage girls at a frat party, that will be EASY. DO IT BANG AN UNDERAGE FAT CHICK WHO IS JUST AS DESPERATE AS YOU. Eat her pussy and ruin the dreams of her parents. Get a hooker. Do heroine and coke. Eat pie a lot of fucking pie and then shit in public with your dick out while burning a flag and pissing on a picture of mother Teresa.''

    I lol'd hard. Im sorry about your dad, my dads the same way, in fact he just came out of LA county Jail on a dui charge and he is drinking again. Hes a hardcore narcissist and thinks hes a legend. I have little to no family as well, and im 19 I stay at home all day with no life and i stay up until 6 am jerking off and wake up at 1 pm, its hell. Im glad too see you came out of this, gives me a little hope.
     
  18. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    You sound an incredibe amount like my little brother. And vice versa, glad I could help you and you also helped give me a little motivation to keep going. It's really sad once you see the narcissim for what it is, thank god though we both have our wits about us, can see it and will be different.

    It's also funny because now I see why it took so long for me to see the reality of things. My dad made a decent amount of $, seems like that can be a pretty good cover for a lot of other things. You are very lucky to be seeing what you see at 19. Best of luck in your recovery, it does get a whole lot better but takes a ton of work
     
  19. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    Running the Brooklyn half marathon tomorrow. It felt good to train and see the progress. I'm not 100% ready, but because I'm running it for my mom and aunt in rememberance of their passing, I feel like that inspiration will carry me through.

    Also I bought a plant and 2 bearded dragons. I feel like I'm not very responsible and hopefully this will teach me some of that. Also I started to read books and listen to friends aboutbhow to talk to women and it seems to be working. I cannot believe how much of a bitch my dad is with women, andthat was the model I played: appease, be nice and kind. They don't want that!!! Its so weird all they want is a confident man.
     
  20. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    Be forewarned: this will be a nagative, venting post. So get ready.

    I'm so fucking racist. I hope all niggers and black people in general die in a horrible mass death. Worthless cocksucker cunt niggers.

    Also fuck hot white people. No real reason, just fuck them cunts.

    I feel like I'm never going to get laid again. What women would want a racist, bi polar addict who use to stick shampoo bottles up his ass and toothbrushes while fantasizing about a tranny fucking and Cumming in his ass??? Or on his face. Wait you mean that's not normal?????/ everyday people dont think that way? Well then shit on my face and call me Shirley I was wrong. I just want to get laid really and to help people become musicians. He knew.many in just people and....what the fuck am I even talking abou

    Life sicks, blpwjobs are awesome and I've given option. To another plan.
     

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