I am on day 23 No PMO / No Fap day 1 on thread

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by BillyRayValentine, May 28, 2021.

  1. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Yeah man you do a lot for yourself triathlon runner! Awesome.
     
  2. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Well it is close to 10pm here in northern CA. I feel too anxious relax really and not sure what do about it. I feel wide awake. I have done my 10th day of yoga out of 28 day YouTube program and that seems to be my only peace. I may good okay for a few hours and if done in the evening carries me into bedtime which has always been a hard time for me (no pun intended) because the I was in a relationship it was time to try to have sex and if we didn't then it was watch tv until she fell asleep and then watch porn and then be ready to go to sleep easily. It was like a personal tranquilizer dart almost every time. So it makes sense when they say we self medicate with PMO. I see how it made me have to have sex with my ex girlfriend or else I'd feel anxious and when she threatened my fix I was defensive maybe a bit angry even. For sure dismissive and excuses followed. I have a lot to work on. I just need to get to a point where my anxiety is lower. I honestly don't know if my anxiety is more related to my extensive history of PMO or due to other issues. I have a slight recollection of sexual abuse as a small kid and I think that led to hypersexuality. I wondered also if my anxiety began there stemming from abuse and then the self medicating started early short thereafter. what came first the chicken or the egg?

    It is interesting to me as I write this I am recalling seeing therapists in the past (when I had coverage or paid out of pocket) and PMO came up. It wasn't treated or discussed as risky, or problematic. The therapist she told me try to go a few days or so each time and that shows you don't need it. Man, I wish she'd have gone extreme with me and pointed me to some educational materials on the subject. Like I have mentioned in other rambles and I apologize for repeating myself, but I think if I don't get therapy I'll end up back where I was and 5 more years will fly by before I try again. The last time I took a beak lasted 5 months and that is pretty good but went back and went deeper. I don't want to sound desperate but I have to say, I am feeling just that. I have never been more successful on paper on paper but in actuality so unsuccesful feeling, so out of sorts, not my true self however I put it. I have got to stick with this for the long run for life. I know the likelihood of relapse from the statistical standpoint and I just have to have a plan to immediately start over and not just lean into it to make it a run. I deleted all accounts

    I know I have a compulsion for PMO, and if I try to just MO it will lead to PMO. I have deleted my instagram and Facebook none of those apps the kids use TIK TOK and snapchat. It is basically P saturated there. Gateways. This generation coming up right now is in trouble. The kids have PS5 gaming console with Virtual Reality and the companies are making porn for that for at least the last year. The hooks will get into these kids minds earlier and deeper. It is not a good thing at all for society and it is horrible for each individual.
     
  3. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I wonder if we can abstain from PMO for a long time if there is ever a time that a previous consumer of pornography can have a healthy ongoing experience of occasional MO or will it always be a trigger to relapse and view P and begin the unhealthy habits all over again. It is said to be healthy sexuality by many experts to M but have we ruined this aspect of ourselves. I don't know.

    Considerations:
    The discussion of benefits of NO FAP (zero masturbation ever) and only orgasm should be with a partner.
    If single avoiding sex as well until a certain level of healing of the brain can be achieved. 90 days? 6 months? 9 months? 1 year?

    I watched a YouTube video that says 9 months is usually a critical marker in time and if you can make it there with NO PMO / NO MO benefits are realized there and more success rates. All this stuff has not been studied too much apparently.

    I researched therapists last night. I called one today. We'll see how this goes. I would like to go twice a month ongoing. My insurance allows 5 annual visits and that's not much.

    Really the ideal would be locate a provider who is well versed in internet addiction porn addiction / gaming addiction there are people, therapists apparently who have become aware of this and are "up to speed" to to speak on this issue. Same concerns though is insurance coverage and limited visits, or pay out of pocket somehow which seems impossible at this time financially being $100-to nearly $200 for 50 minute sessions. My next employer needs to have this fully covered.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2021
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This has always been true for me.
     
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  5. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Maybe as the years pass, porn addiction will be studied more like other addictions. As it stands now, it's just a blip on the radar. A brief visit on the google machine will prove that we can't even agree that it is one, which just make our journey even more of a challenge. IMHO... KUTGW
     
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  6. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I had to fight for it but I finally got a Psychiatry Dept intake appointment and was this morning. They will have an out of network provider contact list sent to me within 1-2 weeks and I can go for $20 each visit co-pay up to 999 a year they say. 999 because technically it isn't unlimited. This is what I need and I am finally getting it because I didn't take no for answer. I repeatedly asked for help and was totally honest about how I have been and am struggling in certain areas and acutely so now.
     
  7. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Has or is anyone else experiencing feelings of more patience, less irritable after being non PMO? I almost always get very annoyed with the many little things that aren't exactly right with my work software, or the network, anything really I get annoyed and complain about it to anyone if there was someone to listen. I just don't really feel that annoyance or it is so small I just move on from it easier. An unexpected benefit.
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Definitely! When we aren't fucking with our dopamine centers we have a sense of equanimity. Great job!
     
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  9. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    The 'pink-cloud'? Yep. All of us... It's just part of the roller coaster of emotions. Problem is the cloud dissipates. Then what do you do? That's when we need an action plan...
     
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  10. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I tend to turn towards physical activity, or calling a friend. It seems that my ratio of challenging and negative feelings and less to feeling motivated. I was just deleting old accounts and internet history in another browser and had a mild trigger. But fine. I am working and scheduling things for myself to do that are good for me. Meet with friend this weekend, early morning haircut, bike ride, my apartment gym opened up again so I have gone there once and of course I am continuing Yoga daily at home for 34-50 minutes depending on the video, done 17 of 28 days into this current program. No alcohol either for now, last drink was Memorial Day. Thankfully I have not had much alcohol issues accept for being a dumb teen and twenty-something. I think drinking would lower my self control and would relapse PMO.
     
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  11. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    WHAT THE F*CK

    I removed Facebook and Instagram from my phone last January so barely ever see them but I am selling some old stuff clearing out clutter on Facebook market place and I keep having adds fo women's lingerie and other skimpy clothing and sexy type shit. Is the Internet trying to test me? Weird. I am not falling for it. It stirred nothing in me. I keep clicking on irrelevant or what other options to get rid of it and it just comes back in another form. whatever.

    Fuck you Facebook. Fuck the retail psychologists. Fuck the technocrats that hire them. Fuck anyone contributing to manufacturing control and addiction in society and kids. Fuck all social media. Fuck PORN most of all.
     
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  12. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I just completed day 17 of my 28 day BREATHE & FLOW YOGA IGNITE program on YouTube. Feel pretty good. Did it before work so my day will go better.Everyone who reads this do something for yourself before anyone else as early in the day as possible. We are able to give to our people more when we first take care of ourselves. Best of luck to all on this journey of healing.
     
  13. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Nice... Let that anger welling within you out in words. Better here than taking it out on others who have no idea what you're experiencing... The other option is slipping back into the rabbit hole. Then we start the process all over again. FUCK THAT!:mad:
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Totally agree!
     
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  15. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I have an appointment for Brainspotting with a LMFT Friday. I also have got another provider lined up to start seeing for therapy in the near future for traditional talk therapy and EMDR sessions. Going to do my best to identify and deal with the shit that has hindered me my whole life. I'll probably report here on these treatment modalities incase anyone is curious how they work and how they help in the realm of No-PMO/NoFAP and related mental health etc.
     
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  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Please do! Sounds like a positive step.
     
  17. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I really hope that anxiety resolves. It comes and goes but keeps coming back. Over two months now I realize my last PMO was 4/30/21 so few days longer than my counter displays it looks like, I started counting in a notepad kept on my bedside table. I thought I would be anxiety free by now. I am not having urges for P at all right now, had a few mental image flashes moments. Hard to sleep with my mind just non-stop thinking, mostly about my ex. Many things are improving and on the horizon to improve. I have made contact with my ex fiancé and will take that one day at a time, just texting for the last 5-7 days. Being patient and calm is something I wasn't with her, things were mostly good for first year or two but I see now that porn made me irritable and reactive and also gradually declining motivation. It is so weird to think of myself being like that. I am hoping to reconcile with her as I believe recognizing the reasons for my shit was porn and some of the precursors. I feel like knowing the enemy is very powerful and I wish I'd realized this just a few weeks earlier could have made the different. I literally have a list of multiple items that are improving about me each day/week/month and issues are being corrected. I have a plan and back up plans, but still feel intermittently shitty. 35 days of yoga today, 2-3 time a week treadmill for an hour as well. Definitely need more social interaction though but everyone lives far or all my old friends drink too much.

    Tomorrow I have an appointment with the LMFT who will be working with me to do Brainspotting. I am approaching with an open mind, some say it is quackery. I have read a lot about it and EMDR which is another modality but also not entirely accepted by all mental health professionals. Both are touted as having very short time of recovery for trauma and many other issues such as 4-6 sessions or maybe a dozen if multiple targets. I think the largest resistance coming from some MH pros are possibly that it is so quick and they will keep you "on the couch" for months and years and it doesn't bode well for their income if you come 4, 6 or even 10 times to see them and are fine after that. Like I said I am going to try it and do 4--6 sessions.


    What is EMDR therapy?
    https://www.emdria.org

    Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an extensively researched, effective psychotherapy method proven to help people recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, and panic disorders.


    What is Brainspotting therapy?
    https://brainspotting.com/about-bsp/what-is-brainspotting/


    Brainspotting is a powerful, focused treatment method that works by identifying, processing and releasing core neurophysiological sources of emotional/body pain, trauma, dissociation and a variety of other challenging symptoms. Brainspotting is a simultaneous form of diagnosis and treatment, enhanced with Biolateral sound, which is deep, direct, and powerful yet focused and containing.

    Brainspotting is based on the profound attunement of the therapist with the patient, finding a somatic cue and extinguishing it by down-regulating the amygdala. It isn’t just PNS (Parasympathetic Nervous System) activation that is facilitated, it is homeostasis.
    -- Robert Scaer, MD, “The Trauma Spectrum"

    We shall see
     
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, so many positives going on. The EMDR and Brainspotting sound intriguing. I think it's good you are hitting your issues on a number of fronts.

    Your desire to get back with your ex is understandable, but maybe you should give yourself some more time to know how YOU really feel about a renewed relationship with her. You place a lot of blame on yourself, but she was there, also. She may be the one for you, but us addicts can reach out for the nearest and safest thing before really getting to know ourselves. Staying clean since April is incredible, but I know it took me over a year to really feel right inside. There is still some powerful healing to take place.
     
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  19. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I go to Brainspotting in an hour. It is face to face meeting and just 15 minutes from home. The Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist has 18+ years experience and is also an addiction specialist, which I am very happy I am hoping she has a solid knowledge and of internet porn addiction specifically. Fingers crossed it goes well and I like her, feel comfortable.

    I hear you Saville on the giving myself more time to know how I really feel about a renewed relationship with her. We are just talking for now. I am not sure how else to navigate it. I have a sense of patience that I do not recall ever feeling. I think this has to be a thing to do with dopamine levels etc. I was mostly responsible for the relationship going awry. It is just the truth. I have touched on that prior posts maybe I think. I am making an effort to not do the thing where I think we humans after a breakup then put that person on a pedestal and only see their good qualities and are coming from a place of scarcity. I am focusing on a perspective of abundance, or at least this is the goal. If it organically comes back together then that's awesome. I know things won't be perfect if we reconcile but we really do align on so many aspects, hence why I felt motivated to propose to her. I also love her kids. Who knows what will happen but I feel good with the path and am preparing myself for multiple outcomes. Just as long as I put self care as a top priority because I have learned just recently if I don't ALL of my relationships suffer tremendously. Instead of feeling addicted and powerless I am choosing to be obsessed with life betterment and self improvement. This is why I am doing certain activities everyday instead of a routine of 3-4 days, I feel like it is engraining the positive habits into my brain to now I am craving yoga and meditation and more physical activity.
     
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  20. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Did you ever try EMDR? ... I head about it quite a long time ago and it does sound silly and too good to be true. But in the book The Body Keeps the Score, van der Kolk mentions that "EMDR has since become one of the treatments for PTSD sanctioned by the Department of Veterans Affairs."
    So it can't be completely hoky. In the book he tells of some examples of its use in his practice and studies that sound pretty incredible. So to me, this does give some credibility.
     
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