Hello I am writing this as a journal I suppose. Not sure what I expect from doing so but I am going to try this. I am 43 years old. I have PMO since I was around 11 first with magazines and occasional VHS tape I could get. In the 5th grade my best friends dad had thousands of porn mags, and VHS tapes in what was basically a porn/sex room and never seemed to be home so back in 1988 my friends and I had major access to these things. There was tons of sex toys and sex dolls all over the place there too. I was already hypersexual to begin with and I think this was due to being touched by an older child in a sexual manner. I vaguely remember this. My libido has always been extremely high and often been an issue in relationships. I think it is safe to say I am currently in a major flatline. I went 5 months around 5 years ago and had many benefits to No PMO and somehow I don't remember relapsing, I think I got into a casual friendship / sexual relationship with a woman and she brought porn back into the equation. I have been having ED quite possibly PIED and after getting out of a relationship just around 30 days or so ago haven't had sex in maybe 45-55 days. I apologize if I am rambling as I write this. I moved out after over 3 years with my ex gf, well fiancé. The dating scene looks bleak but that is another story for another time. I will just say that on dating apps that I have been perusing just to get an idea of what has changed that masked photos, filtered photos, and overly political oversharing is occurring just like on social media. I wish I could fast forward through 30 days or so. I feel anxious, depressed, lonely, weak, low energy, tired all the time and yet can't sleep until like 12:00am to 1:30am when I need to be working by 7:00AM. So it is a cycle that repeats itself. I believe that after this flatline I will start to feel better. I thing getting some exercise and changing my job as soon as I can manage to will help also. Need to revamp everything. I feel like my dick is dead. I have two women who know I am single and are making advances to have sex but somehow this is giving me anxiety, I guess it is performance anxiety, Especially because outside of a relationship I'll not only need to and should wear a condom but they will expect it and I think its wise but that is just another reason to to have ED. I might turn them down or put them off for now to just get myself some more time to reboot, recalibrate etc. As I write this one female friend is thinking she wants to come over tomorrow specifically to have sex. Seems like an odd thing to dread dealing with but nonetheless true. Not to mention missing the ex whom I loved very much, I wonder how much PMO truly played a role in our demise, I know it was a factor for certain. Have had a streak of unfortunate events lately that have cost me significantly financially and major inconveniences to add to the weight I feel pressing down on me from wherever. One day at a time. I will try to crawl out of the hole I feel like I am in. I feel like nothing brings me pleasure, movies or tv series, with covid the last year or so has extra sucked and now there is not much to do. Places are starting to open back up but as earlier mentioned money is tight. Student loans are hitting pretty hard. I am someone who is resourceful and can figure a way to get organized and get ahead as soon as I get out of this mental fog and out from under the dark cloud of PMO.