I am on day 23 No PMO / No Fap day 1 on thread

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by BillyRayValentine, May 28, 2021.

  1. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Hello I am writing this as a journal I suppose. Not sure what I expect from doing so but I am going to try this.
    I am 43 years old. I have PMO since I was around 11 first with magazines and occasional VHS tape I could get. In the 5th grade my best friends dad had thousands of porn mags, and VHS tapes in what was basically a porn/sex room and never seemed to be home so back in 1988 my friends and I had major access to these things. There was tons of sex toys and sex dolls all over the place there too. I was already hypersexual to begin with and I think this was due to being touched by an older child in a sexual manner. I vaguely remember this. My libido has always been extremely high and often been an issue in relationships.

    I think it is safe to say I am currently in a major flatline. I went 5 months around 5 years ago and had many benefits to No PMO and somehow I don't remember relapsing, I think I got into a casual friendship / sexual relationship with a woman and she brought porn back into the equation. I have been having ED quite possibly PIED and after getting out of a relationship just around 30 days or so ago haven't had sex in maybe 45-55 days. I apologize if I am rambling as I write this. I moved out after over 3 years with my ex gf, well fiancé. The dating scene looks bleak but that is another story for another time. I will just say that on dating apps that I have been perusing just to get an idea of what has changed that masked photos, filtered photos, and overly political oversharing is occurring just like on social media. I wish I could fast forward through 30 days or so.

    I feel anxious, depressed, lonely, weak, low energy, tired all the time and yet can't sleep until like 12:00am to 1:30am when I need to be working by 7:00AM. So it is a cycle that repeats itself. I believe that after this flatline I will start to feel better. I thing getting some exercise and changing my job as soon as I can manage to will help also. Need to revamp everything. I feel like my dick is dead. I have two women who know I am single and are making advances to have sex but somehow this is giving me anxiety, I guess it is performance anxiety, Especially because outside of a relationship I'll not only need to and should wear a condom but they will expect it and I think its wise but that is just another reason to to have ED. I might turn them down or put them off for now to just get myself some more time to reboot, recalibrate etc. As I write this one female friend is thinking she wants to come over tomorrow specifically to have sex. Seems like an odd thing to dread dealing with but nonetheless true. Not to mention missing the ex whom I loved very much, I wonder how much PMO truly played a role in our demise, I know it was a factor for certain. Have had a streak of unfortunate events lately that have cost me significantly financially and major inconveniences to add to the weight I feel pressing down on me from wherever. One day at a time. I will try to crawl out of the hole I feel like I am in. I feel like nothing brings me pleasure, movies or tv series, with covid the last year or so has extra sucked and now there is not much to do. Places are starting to open back up but as earlier mentioned money is tight. Student loans are hitting pretty hard. I am someone who is resourceful and can figure a way to get organized and get ahead as soon as I get out of this mental fog and out from under the dark cloud of PMO.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're in the right place. Read and write is my mantra. This place can be life-changing.
     
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  3. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    This sounds like a good plan. Exercising ought to help you get a better night's sleep and changing jobs will help you feel better about your financial situation.
     
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  4. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I woke up feeling like I have a hangover. Achy, stiff, headache, stuffed up nose. I started drinking a green drink that has digestive enzymes, probiotics and probiotics, vitamins and minerals. It is organic and no sugar. I still feel crappy but I think it probably is helping and as the flatline symptoms fade it will be more beneficial. I feel like I want to cancel all going to see family tomorrow and the following day but that is probably good for me being that I have been so isolated lately working from home and most of my friends are working completely different schedules than I so I have almost no social activity. This has been compounded by staying home during the pandemic closures for a year here in CA and pretty much being with my ex non-stop and not seeing friends. I want to go to a yoga class but not many are open yet and they are pricey. I'll try YouTube some for this.
     
  5. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I feel like I am getting leaner, aside from the No FAP/No PMO I have gone on two bike rides and used rowing machine 2-3 times and added a green drink to my morning routine. I wonder if no PMO makes you store less fat. I feel like I read that some place. My sleep has been more erratic as my old pre sleep routine was sex or PMO and now none of either.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You probably did read that some place, but it's not true. What is true is that without PMO, as you've shown, we start to move around more and that activates parts of our bodies that have been dormant.

    You're doing great work!
     
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  7. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Monday on Memorial Day I had 5 beers. I get hangovers easy too. I usually only have 1-2 servings of beer or wine and not frequently at all but felt like it set me back some on my body's recalibration I am undergoing with no PMO. Going to abstain from alcohol for now. Otherwise I've been making good nutrition and health choices. Felt depressed aday after drinking and also felt a weaker will to go back to PMO but didn't. I am going between no sex drive at all for couple days followed by a strong urge to have sex with practically any woman I see.
     
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  8. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Today I can't stop thinking about sex. Just graphic images in my mind all day while trying to focus on work so it is actually effecting my efficiency with my job today. Old urges are strong. Plus missing my ex girlfriend a lot and feeling like I am seeing areas I should have been better and maybe shared the PMO addiction. She believed it was an issue from a standpoint that it was akin to cheating. I disagreed but I wish I could have talked to her about it objectively and even enlisted her support. Our sex drives were not matching but who knows what mine really is without P for a significant length of time. 30-35 years of PMO, and 25 of which was Internet PMO. Man this shit has robbed me. I want to get strong, healthy, focused, happy, and better in all areas. I feel like it has robed me of a lot of my moments joy and the one woman out of many that I ever wanted to marry and decided to ask to marry me in my 43 years of life. We had some fundamental differences but really she was the closest to ideal match for me and I loved her very much, still do. We did have 2 break ups before this last break up and I moved out 4/23/21. I think PMO has made me more reactive, and abrupt in my communication. I want to be a calm, cool, collected individual. I want peace. I will keep working on this and I regret not doing sooner.

    I am actually worrying about the young men out there like my nephew who has unregulated iPhone and computer with internet access in his private bedroom. I would bet money he is already on this path of PMO and it is too powerful. I might need to talk to my brother about it being it is his son and I started watching my older brother's small collection of porn VHS tapes very young.

    Maybe one day I'll become a better writer and not a rambler with these disjointed texts. Lol
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2021
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Most women eventually ditch their P-addicted boyfriends. It's why I urge men not to "tell all" about their P addiction, but rather quietly deal with it alone. Making your spouse/gf your partner in all this is like asking her to be your mommy, to take care of you, because you're not strong enough to take care of yourself. This is the message, at least, that the woman receives. So, on top of you watching hot babes with perfect bodies, she now has to "help" and "understand" why you are the way you are. I know that if it was my wife watching P and asking me for patience and understanding I'd kick her to curb.

    Our job, as p-addicts, is to put our lives front and center. We must own our shit and make the journey about us. When we put ourselves first it is then that we have a chance at healing and embracing a new and wonderful life. The past has to fuck off, because if it doesn't we are in danger of rewriting it.

    30 days is great! Stay strong and be bold!
     
  10. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Great point - Thank you for the words of encouragement!
     
  11. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    I feel like it is in some ways easier to abstain from P being single. I was previously wanting sex every single day being turned on by my ex all the time but only having sex a fraction of the times if it were good between us at the moment. Being that we split up and I moved out to my own place on 4/23/21 I am more focused on avoiding P or anything close to it to avoid trigger to PMO. I would initiate with the ex gf and she was usually super tired or often she would fall asleep on couch when we watch a show or movie and then it was really a no go. She woke up at around 5:00am daily and was sleep at like 7-8pm or so most of the time.

    As an alternative to not having sex with her of course I just defaulted to PMO. I am not sure if I am a Sex/Love addict in addition to porn addict or what but I never opted to watch P over having sex with her, it was great most of the time but my libido was easily 3-5 times what hers was.

    Either way, I am determined to be a better version of myself, better late than never. I have a lot of things to be thankful and going for me. I tend to be an oversharing person of my own shit but keep all the secrets of all others. I think I will listen to advise of Saville in previous post and deal with this alone and reboot. I will just keep trying to improve my own situation before dating and hooking up with any women and try not to rat myself out with the P addiction. If it happens organically then okay but I think being actively pursuing dating so quickly after this break up and early into the non PMO lifestyle redesign I am implementing here is somewhat of a distraction. I do need a new social outlet to stave off the loneliness as friends and family are all busy with kids, work, and are a good drive away as well.
     
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  12. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    After kind of a down and dark feeling couple days. I was trying to eat well and then did some yoga from classes on YouTube for 30 minutes a day last two days and rode mountain bike for 45 min near the river a mile from me. Movement, breathing, guided meditation/breathing exercises and being outside in nature helped significantly. We all need to move and be I nature regularly I believe. If you think you don't like nature you probably need it more than anybody. I plan to do my best to wake earlier and consistently at same time even on days off so I can have a healthier routine and consistent mood and sleep. I feel slightly stronger and I am more flexible. I wish they taught yoga in all K-12 as Physical education it would change the world. Reduces anxiety, stress, aches and pains, helps sleep, boosts confidence and improves mood. I have a shoulder injury that I had surgery on that I have used as an excuse to be inconsistent. I am going to try to be accountable and choose to keep going. Has anyone read: 'Letters from a Stoic' - Seneca. I highly recommend it, it is full of wisdom. https://www.youtube.com/c/BreatheandFlow/videos
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2021
    Saville likes this.
  13. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Eventually I think it best to stop counting days if this is to be a permanent change but I feel like it is good to follow for the 30 day, 45, day, 60 day, 90 day, 6 month, 9 month, and 1 year, and maybe even 2 and 3 year milestones. I think key is to replace bad habits with good habits. But ideally it is much better habits. I have been doing pretty well with trying to make myself get up earlier every day harder than that is getting to sleep on time. Especially on a weekend/day off of work. Nutrition, fitness, mental health, financial security has to be a priority for better success in No FAP / NO PMO and life in general. I had installed multiple dating apps on my phone but have deleted most and likely do get rid of the last one there I liked I think dating would derail me faster than almost anything I am thinking. I have a bit of FOMO (fear of missing out) because there have been some (seemingly) very high quality women messaging me, at least quality in my opinion: Attractive, intelligent, successful, healthy, etc. but ultimately I think I need to be single and get myself more sorted out first. If I stay busy with yoga, biking, rowing, walking, reading beneficial reads I will be okay on the loneliness aspect and there will be time to date and meet my next partner and I'll have a better shot of not making the same mistakes. Also take it slower with that person.

    So the built in day counter displays how many days competed right? anyone? so if it says day 37 I am in the midst of day 38 in progress right? I think that's what it is
     
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  14. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Very nice description of the beast within. Our AV (addictive voice)... It wants its fix, and knows that if we don't have a plan, it has the 'cure'... One method to knock it down is to create a mental tape... Everyone's tape will be different, but it's basically all your actions that typically lead up to a pmo session. When an 'urge' comes up:rolleyes:, put in the tape. Play it through until the end. You already know the ending, you'll feel like shit, like a failure. And you know you'll now face another day-one... 2-3 days later the beast will fuck with you again. Then maybe it's 2 weeks. Then 30 days... But he's always there - lurking. But with each battle you win, he gets weaker and weaker... Addictions aren't cured. They're accepted/managed... Eventually they weaken to the point that you don't even think about it.

    You're as of today 38 days clean! Awesome job dude...
     
  15. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member


    Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts and strategy TryGuy65. We can do this. Thanks again
     
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  16. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    42 days in... still going. I experienced 3-4 hours of chest crushing, tunnel vision, blurred vision, esophagus spasming anxiety mid day today during work. Heavy feelings of regret feeling with memories on my mind of good times and bad times. Before that bad spot and after as I type this anxiety was/is like 1-3 out of 10. Worst part today was like an 8 out of 10 anxiety level. Might have been bordering on panic attack. Every single day I am doing Yoga for 30-45 min, and going for 30-50 min bike ride. I can only imagine if I wasn't doing the wellbeing actions how I'd feel. Good luck everyone and don't quit. If you fall off get right back on.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2021
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  17. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    I know I'd feel like watching porn to pass some time... Keep up the wellbeing actions. Sorry you had those other physical issues, but you seem to be doing well on the pmo front... Nice
     
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  18. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    Thanks I agree. I think if I was just laying around, which my default would be, I'd be more likely to use porn. I am replacing the bd habit with good ones. I feel like I am struggling with the loss of my fiancé more than no PMO, which can make me feel hopeless and I think those feelings can be a trigger to PMO. I wish I could go to a therapist once a week or every other week. My healthcare doesn't cover it and it costs too much to go with any kind of regularity.
     
  19. BillyRayValentine

    BillyRayValentine New Member

    You are at 10 days - great job! One day at a time is what they say right. Are you doing any things for yourself such as exercise of some sort or other things that fall under the healthy self care category?
     
  20. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    I try to take the necessary steps to maintain my 'trophy husband' physique:rolleyes:
    Take a peruse through my journal some time... It's short
     
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