I am back, after 6 years on and mostly off NoFap - 26 years old guy, journal. suicidal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Aquarius, Apr 19, 2020.

  1. Aquarius

    Aquarius Thracian

    DAY 1

    i have lost it all. ALL my friends now hate me because I was an ass.i stopped my major weed problem because i had an intense panic attack. at panic attack I was convinced I am dying of a heart attack, i was looking at the sky and contemplating my death, while driving a car, nevertheless i managed to drive safely to work and was thankful i didn't die and survived this. i should have stopped the car but back then i was reckless. after this panic attack i stopped weed cold turkey and had the same panic attack day after day after day for like an year and a half, while in almost complete isolation, on the other side of the continent from my home.
    even tho at home i feel alone as well, my parents don't understand me and we are never open to each other. i. have.been.through.so.much.emotional. turmoil. i still watch porn, its the same disgusting femdom shit as usual, i still fail at absolutely everything i try to do for myself. i have absolutely no people that i can call friends. no one reaches out to me and when i try to reach out they are ignore me. i have gained about 35 kilograms and i am balding.
    there was one success tho, i fucked some girls throughout these years, about 10 girls from tinder and about 5 hookers. 2 of those tinder girls were ok, other were unattractively obese.
    i am completely crushed. i feel constant sinking feeling in my chest and stomach, i am powerless, i cant even get myself to go to the toilet, i piss in a bottle. i feel so, so ugly when i look at myself in the mirror. an hour ago i was laying in bed and i was unironically, sincerely asking god to take my life without pain, suddenly. i had a 5 day streak a few days ago and i had a lot of energy but again deep down i was in this deep dark hole and i dont see a way out of it.
    i miss the friends that I lost so much. they were my family, the people i grew up with. and i can never have them back, ever again. or if i do, i will have to be begging and they already have absolutely no respect left for me, i am a pathetic asshole that was not loyal or stable. they unironically call me mentally ill behind my back. i have anger issues yet i deny it to myself because i feel like a coward. i have NOTHING to be proud of. i failed it everywhere. my happiness was directly correlated with my friends and now that i have lost them forever i dont think i can make new friends and feel close to them like the old ones. i have tried but its not the same. i cry often but i have no tears left. i used to binge eat to cope and thats how i gained the weight but now i am so bad that i dont even have it in me to eat. i was searching this forum because i wanted to see my posts from my old self and get motivated but i realize back then i wasnt making any nofap streaks, it was my social life and my friends and me having hair and being attractive and etc. i am fucked. hard. i still have hope somehow, i have no choice, if it wasnt for the hope i would end my life. i am realizing all this as i am writing and this is 99% of the reason for this journal.

    i spend every waking moment on the computer, no one wants to talk with me, i have a handful of colleagues that are writing a message here and there but they are always unresponsive immediately afterwards so i cnat make a conversation. i am thinking of things to keep writing because it gives me hope and i stop hurting so much but there is nothing left except that i can write my crazy life stories but there is no point in that other than to show you how crazy my life was but whats the point in that, we are all internet strangers.

    I just realized that we relapse because when we abstain from p for a certain amount days, then the relapse will be the only thing that will make us feel good at least for a little while. we are in such a dark fucking place that when something will make you feel good just for a while and we cant resist this urge, this is truly, truly sad.

    also i cant eat for some reason. i just am so disgusted with my self that i cant eat.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2020
  2. Aquarius

    Aquarius Thracian

  3. Aquarius

    Aquarius Thracian

    just decided to recover my facebook account with 1000 friends, i sent friend requests to all the people i thought hated me from my childhood and so far 3 of them have taken me back.... i feel infinitely better. i am nowhere where i used to be socially but i can see a light now.
  4. Aquarius

    Aquarius Thracian

    Day 2
    i feel so much better, on a cellular level. I have drastically reduced my consumption of refined carbs and i feel so much better
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey, welcome back to the forum and good luck on your new attempt !

    I can completely relate to the stuff quoted here above.

    I think a big part of recovery is learning how to find other ways of feeling better then another relapse. I feel that when we first get on a new attempt we feel good for a while just because we are abstaining (and thus improving). But after a while life gets tough again and the cravings come back quite strong. So it's about understanding what those cravings are about. What's the deep need that is not being met at that moment ? What is the legitimate need behind the huge cravings ? And instead of going into a binge in order to numb ourselves and find some short temporary respite, it's about developing over time other ways of finding that relief.

    Getting over the addiction is addressing the underlying issues that make the craving for the addiction but also learning ways to comfort ourselves when the cravings show up.
  6. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey Aquarius,

    Welcome back to the grind. I get the feeling that your porn habit is a symptom of something bigger as well. There is a lot going on above in your first post, and I might recommend looking into talking with a therapist at the same time as you are working on the no fap/reboot phase of your life. The porn, the type of porn, the anger, the food, the self assessment you have there... these things are all tied together. Simply avoiding porn, in my non-medical view, isn't going to be enough. You'll have to untangle some of these other things too.

    That all said, this is a good and safe place to be my brother.
  7. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi Aquarius, welcome back to the forums. You seem to endure some common feats of both addiction and withdrawal. Isolation, self-criticism, depression, the full pack age.
    There's a guide line on how to get up and grind forward, something I think you need. Read up in this topic and I suggest ordering the book The Slight Edge (per said topic). I actually gave 1 book away to a friend, because it is so easy and insightful.

    I hope to see you back this week. May the coming times be with you.
  8. Aquarius

    Aquarius Thracian

    I have read that book but thanks for the support all of you guys thanks

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