DAY 1 i have lost it all. ALL my friends now hate me because I was an ass.i stopped my major weed problem because i had an intense panic attack. at panic attack I was convinced I am dying of a heart attack, i was looking at the sky and contemplating my death, while driving a car, nevertheless i managed to drive safely to work and was thankful i didn't die and survived this. i should have stopped the car but back then i was reckless. after this panic attack i stopped weed cold turkey and had the same panic attack day after day after day for like an year and a half, while in almost complete isolation, on the other side of the continent from my home. even tho at home i feel alone as well, my parents don't understand me and we are never open to each other. i. have.been.through.so.much.emotional. turmoil. i still watch porn, its the same disgusting femdom shit as usual, i still fail at absolutely everything i try to do for myself. i have absolutely no people that i can call friends. no one reaches out to me and when i try to reach out they are ignore me. i have gained about 35 kilograms and i am balding. there was one success tho, i fucked some girls throughout these years, about 10 girls from tinder and about 5 hookers. 2 of those tinder girls were ok, other were unattractively obese. i am completely crushed. i feel constant sinking feeling in my chest and stomach, i am powerless, i cant even get myself to go to the toilet, i piss in a bottle. i feel so, so ugly when i look at myself in the mirror. an hour ago i was laying in bed and i was unironically, sincerely asking god to take my life without pain, suddenly. i had a 5 day streak a few days ago and i had a lot of energy but again deep down i was in this deep dark hole and i dont see a way out of it. i miss the friends that I lost so much. they were my family, the people i grew up with. and i can never have them back, ever again. or if i do, i will have to be begging and they already have absolutely no respect left for me, i am a pathetic asshole that was not loyal or stable. they unironically call me mentally ill behind my back. i have anger issues yet i deny it to myself because i feel like a coward. i have NOTHING to be proud of. i failed it everywhere. my happiness was directly correlated with my friends and now that i have lost them forever i dont think i can make new friends and feel close to them like the old ones. i have tried but its not the same. i cry often but i have no tears left. i used to binge eat to cope and thats how i gained the weight but now i am so bad that i dont even have it in me to eat. i was searching this forum because i wanted to see my posts from my old self and get motivated but i realize back then i wasnt making any nofap streaks, it was my social life and my friends and me having hair and being attractive and etc. i am fucked. hard. i still have hope somehow, i have no choice, if it wasnt for the hope i would end my life. i am realizing all this as i am writing and this is 99% of the reason for this journal. i spend every waking moment on the computer, no one wants to talk with me, i have a handful of colleagues that are writing a message here and there but they are always unresponsive immediately afterwards so i cnat make a conversation. i am thinking of things to keep writing because it gives me hope and i stop hurting so much but there is nothing left except that i can write my crazy life stories but there is no point in that other than to show you how crazy my life was but whats the point in that, we are all internet strangers. I just realized that we relapse because when we abstain from p for a certain amount days, then the relapse will be the only thing that will make us feel good at least for a little while. we are in such a dark fucking place that when something will make you feel good just for a while and we cant resist this urge, this is truly, truly sad. also i cant eat for some reason. i just am so disgusted with my self that i cant eat.