I’m back after a while

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Mudshovel, Feb 7, 2021.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Re the escorts, I have NFI, sorry.

    But threes a charm!
  2. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    Today I’m having strong urges to masturbate and a part of my brain is trying to compromise by saying “well you don’t have to orgasm but just do it a little bit and when you’re getting close you can stop.”

    No, see, this is how a relapse happens. Don’t listen to that part of your brain that says that. It’s trying to trick you. Remember this is not a regular sex drive. This is withdrawal to a dopamine rush. Just do the reboot and then have all the sex you want.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  3. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    It’s day 4 and I’m still in. If I ever make it to the double digits I’ll be so happy.

    Yesterday had way too many close calls. In one particularly weak moment I tried to find ways to take down the porn blocker. Thankfully I wasn’t able to. That’s how you know it’s not just regular being horny. My brain was after porn. I strongly urge everyone reading this to use technology to help you with this. If you were a recovering heroine addict would you live in an environment where the drug is all around you and easily accessible? I understand you want to mentally train yourself to resist but right now your brain is in an addicted state. At least do a 90 reboot first, and then take down the blocker and train yourself to resist. You’ll probably be able to resist a lot better then too.

    This morning I woke up really hard with probably the hardest morning wood yet. I knew better than to mess with it. But it did make me feel good about my future sex life. I had almost forgotten that I could get that hard. Today’s daily challenge for me is to think about sex as little as possible.

    I have another problem. There’s this girl I really like and she wants to hang out with me when I get back from my work trip in a week. That’s gonna be a problem because I’ll still be in the middle of the reboot. I haven’t talked to any new girls since starting the reboot but she already had my number from before. I’m either going to potentially embarrass myself with ED or I’ll have to pass up this opportunity with probably the best looking girl that’s been interested in me. Hmmmmm

    As for the trip, I leave tomorrow and I honestly hope for the worst possible conditions m so that the last thing on my mind is MO. And it looks like it’s going to rain the whole time so...good.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yo, thats not gonna be good sex no matter what my dude. You not in the spot for it, sorry to say, but I feel it's true. Was wahr ist, muss auch gesagt werden. :3 So pls don't set ywrself up with preventable shit times ™.

    So, either tell her you're not available rn (and be more interesting for it prolly cos humand psyches be dumb like that) or you just meet her for a date (if datings a thing you wanna do rn.)

    Win win really, if you ask me, which you didn't so I'ma shut up now. Have a good one!
  5. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    hmm. Not what I wanted to hear but realistic I guess. This whole time I’m doing this I’m going to be yearning for some female company, not just in a sexual way but just to have someone to talk to. I can already tell that flatline is gonna feel depressing as hell. Well I did complete the challenge today to not think any sexual thoughts.
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I'm fun at parties, too.

    I mean if you just want company, why not just meet her and have a date?
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    Because the date she wanted was to go to her place and play video games and drink a little (implied stay over because I’m not driving home even slightly buzzed, the rules are stricter for me than Germans)

    oh it’s day 5 and I haven’t relapsed yet and it’s unlikely I will while I’m freezing my balls of in a tent for a week. It’s definitely gonna be tempting when I come home though.
  8. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    Day 6. Didn’t think about sex at all yesterday. No morning wood this morning. I wonder if I reached the flatline. It’s day 6 but like 3 weeks since my last exposure to porn.
  9. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    Day 7. I can’t believe it’s been a week since I last relapsed. I don’t think I’ve lasted a week yet. Usually by this time my dick feels super sensitive and I relapse in my sleep with barely any stimulation.

    My job has been keeping me distracted just like I hoped. I am in no mood for any sexual thoughts. For example today some of the guys were talking about a certain celebrity’s videos leaked onto the internet and others eagerly searched it. I felt a slight urge to do the same but then I remembered that my phone wouldn’t let me and it went away.

    Normally when I hear my coworkers share their sex stories, it does make me aroused and wishing for a similar experience but now I just see it as a nuisance. I move somewhere else or think about something else to mentally drown it out. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t even care if I can’t see that girl when I get back.

    When I came out here I was normal and social and talking to people but now I’m just feeling sad for a number of personal reasons. I completely stopped talking to everyone. In a few months I’m going to end this career and work on starting a brand new one. A part of me wishes I could stay but I can’t for personal reasons. I also didn’t do that great here despite the time I invested here.

    People newer than me got promoted ahead of me and I feel like my bosses gave up on teaching me new skills or giving me new responsibilities and are just waiting for my contract to end. I’m also like the only one who cares about doing things the proper way. It seems like everyone else just doesn’t want to be here and doesn’t take this seriously as soon as the bosses are not looking which just makes it suck that much more that my bosses see more potential in them then me.

    Once I get back home I’m going to start working on my transition out of here and I just want to just completely forget that I was ever here. I’ll find something new and I’m going to make myself damn good at it. And this will be the thing that I do for the rest of my life. I won’t let my current job define me for the rest of my life. I have so much to work on when I get back.
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yo. Leave them sucky jobs behind. If it feels like a losing battle, always, that's not good for you, man.

    Congrats on the seven days, too.
  11. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    I don’t have a lot of phone signal here. I apologize for not visiting all your logs and leaving encouraging comments. It’s a struggle just to get my own log to pull up and then have to log in and type an entry.

    Today was day 8. No sexual desire whatsoever. Lots of depression about what I said earlier. Right now I’m feeling like a fucking loser who’s not successful at anything. And that’s day 8.
  12. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    It’s all blurring together. If Tuesday morning last week was when I last relapsed, that whole day would have been day 0, then this week’s Tuesday morning I would have completed day 7, yesterday morning would have been day 8 and today morning is day 9. So I completed 9 days and have just started on my 10. It’s confusing sometimes because I don’t know if I’m currently on that number or if I’ve completed that number. I’m just gonna count the days completed.

    I am one tenth of my way towards my goal of 90 days hard reboot. I did get some morning wood this morning. I thought I had made it to the flatline so don’t know what that’s about. I think that girl I like lost interest in me because I don’t text her regularly even though I tried explaining that I have shitty internet out here. Whatever, just makes the reboot less complicated.

    I am really worried when I get back home to my room I just splurge on MO or even just once. It’s easy to resist out here. You’re cold, there’s always work to do. The most dangerous times in this reboot is when I’m comfortable and have all this free time.

    I hope all you guys are doing well.
  13. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    It’s day 10. Double digits finally. It’s also my last day out here. We get on the bus tomorrow morning and come back home. Mood’s just depressing.
  14. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    I honestly liked it out here. Lots of good training, absolutely no time to think about porn, or sex, or girls in general. Tomorrow I come back home and we’ll see how long I can be in my room before relapsing. Still super depressed that I’ll be leaving this job soon and I was never able to be as successful here as I wanted. This was my last trip with them where I did stuff like this. I don’t even know wtf I’m supposed to do with my life now.
  15. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    I’ve completed day 11. Just realized there’s only 3 more days until I reach 14 days
    MrDalloway likes this.
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Don't be in room. Go out. Buy useless crap, meet a friend, deep clean the kitchen, go for the worst fatty take away food in town, do whatever. Don't be in room.

    Get those shiny 14 days (killer math skills btw).

    Be a fighty brother now!
  17. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Member

    I’m really really sorry. I found a way around my blocker and PMOd. Holy fuck I’m addicted. This is so bad.
  18. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I am not sure what solace this gives you, but hang in there. I want you to succeed, and ideally the sooner the better. Hopefully yours isn't a long war of attrition like mine is, but regardless, there is a better life waiting on the other side of all this. True, beating this thing won't solve all your problems, but it'll improve the quality of your lived experience. You may want to use this opportunity to work on other improvements and issues. I know this has helped a lot for me.

    But I am not really at the point where I should be giving advice to others. One thing I did want to mention thought was what you said in your Day 7 post, "...I have so much to work on when I get back." Depending on the lens you view this through, such sentiment can be a truly beautiful, transformational thing. I hope you are able to find the optimal lenses on your journey that lead you to a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

    Take care
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Oh boy do I understand the sentiment, but I disagree. Apart from the ones who got out yet stay here to give advice and encouragement for others (and shoutout to @Pete McVries here, you absolute legend) we have but ourselves, as imperfect and flawed as we all are to help ourselves.

    Feel it for a moment, then let it pass. A moment of silence for things fucked up is fine, but now it's back to the saddle with you.

    Two observations: you have stated you are at a cross roads in regards what you are going to do ftom now on. This is more pressure on an already stressed system. Appreciate that, but also divert ressources and time towards that question.

    What mudhole yer gonna shovel in next?
    Try making progress there, and rather fail forward, rather do it badly than not at all.

    Second observation: You have been antihyping up coming back home for roughly a week now. I'm not sure that is always wise. If something is hard, of course no need pretending it ain't, but also don't feed your fears by repeating over and over just how hard its gonna be, maybe.

    Anyhow. Kindly elevate your chin, take some time to gather yozrself. And then start again.
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2021
    NewStart19 and Pete McVries like this.
  20. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @dark red drifter vessel

    Fair enough. Personally though, I still want to lay off giving others advice until my recovery is in a more stable place. And @Pete McVries is a true gem who still takes time out of his life to help those still struggling. Anyway, I'm definitely with you on encouragement, that's why...


    Hope all is well and it was a one-and-done type relapse, but even if wasn't, I'm sending some goodwill your way in the hopes that it'll give you even an iota of additional resolve to keep progressing down this path. Wishing you all the best.

    Take care
    Pete McVries likes this.

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