How to react when an urge is triggered by loneliness?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Naka, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. Naka

    Naka Member

    I often use porn because I'm lonely, in a romantic and sexual way.

    Usually, when I get cravings for porn, I have substitution habits that works pretty well. For example if I'm looking for that "high", I go do some cardio, and it provides the same high.

    If I want to regulate my emotions and numb myself, I do some yoga, and it achieves the same goal.

    But when I'm lonely and longing for a girlfriend, I have zero tool to help me fulfill that need other than porn. Have you found anything that works ?
    DoneAtLast likes this.
  2. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    Hi Naka,

    This is a great question. This was my biggest trigger in the last months of my reboot, and it was always the one I struggled with the most. The best answer is also the hardest, because if anyone responds "foster good relationships and communities", that is incredibly unhelpful.

    Acknowledging my loneliness as a trigger was important. It sounds silly, but it does work. It works in part because of the simple psychological effect of acknowledging a trigger, but there is more to it than that. Orgasming to pixels doesn't make you less lonely, and it eventually became obvious that the treatment didn't fit the symptom, even if it felt like it. It is kinda like remembering the hangover when you start drinking, knowing you'll just feel worse. Getting out of the cycle of porn means that you can engage in human interactions a little more naturally. Friendships are more vibrant, interactions with strangers are better, you're more likely to connect and make new relationships. For example, when I was hooked on porn, going to church on Sunday and seeing families made me depressed. Now, I find myself making faces at the babies. Porn rewires us to think orgasm is our only avenue of pleasure.

    I have a hypothesis that over the last 50-100 years our innate needs for human connection and community have been consolidated into sex. Need a hug? Gotta get laid. Want someone to talk to about your week? Netflix & chill. It means that we vastly over estimate how big our natural drive for sex is because we're identifying all of this stuff as simple horniness. When we think our sex drives are 10x as big as they are, porn seems like a necessary and inevitable stop-gap. The people who talk about the weirdest stuff on Reddit are often the most isolated. I can go online and find a hookup faster than I can find a penpal. How messed up is that? I also think this is why pets have become so wildly popular, especially among women. They get a companion and someone to curl up on the couch with, without it having to be constant sex drama. Physical touch is very important for some people, and a dog that loves belly rubs and licking your face or a cat on your lap is sometimes the best people can do without breaking out the gimp masks.

    Guys who relapse because of loneliness often struggle with social media, dating sites, and that sort of thing. It'll mean a whole set of triggers that may not be immediately obvious since they won't get talked about all that much in porn circles. Checking up on exes is bad, and a lot of people will get themselves into trouble just seeing how happy other people seem at social gatherings on their social media, even if they are just as depressed as you are. Camgirls seem to be the biggest go-to for the lonely people. It may not seem like an escalation because it often isn't all that raunchy, but emotionally it is an escalation. The best of them are great at faking emotional connection. In the same way a good waitress will seem chipper and pretend your dad jokes are funny because they want a good tip left on the table, the cam girls know this really well. Towards the end of my addiction I remember watching the chats go by (I didn't interact, just lurked) and it became really obvious some guys were there for the warm attention of a pretty girl more than trying to get them to take their clothes off or play with a sex toy. They wanted the joyful, playful bounce of joy from a tip, or the laugh at a bad joke. Many were surprisingly monogamous, for lack of a better term - shockingly loyal to their favorite camgirl, their "waifu". The less raunchy ones do this best... there was one who started on Instagram and moved to OnlyFans after getting booted and she'll barely admit she's erotic, but her following is ridiculously loyal (I forget her name... she was selling her bathwater at one point).

    Anyway, a couple tangents there, but hopefully that helps...
    -Luke- likes this.
  3. Naka

    Naka Member

    The thing is, PMO does help dealing with loneliness. Sure, in the long run it make it worse, but when you use it, all the feelings go away, even for just a moment. Watching porn makes me feel less lonely, and I'm numb to any feelings for days after.

    What I need is find a replacement for this, a tool that will help make the loneliness go away NOW.
  4. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    The sad news is that it won't happen. Building connection and relationships takes time. If you try something fast it will only be a quick "fix" and make the problem worse. And if you do find a relationship that will fill that void, you won't be able to rely on it 100% to keep you from craving porn. If you try, you'll end up with attachment disorders and sabotage the relationship.

    I know it seems like an impossible catch 22, but you will absolutely need to deal with yourself before you can count on any replacement.
  5. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    My advice may not be the best advice but I can share what helped me feel better:

    I for one have not been left waiting for a romantic relationship or a girlfriend. Fortunately here in my country prostitution is legal and I seek casual sex when the need urges me. I have a friend, she is a woman and works in a club of the single men who solve the urgencies when I go many months without having sex.

    I don't advise you to do the same as me, because maybe it's a crime in your country. Also, if you are looking for a romantic connection I do not advise you either. This is just my personal experience.

    Remember one important thing: Sex is one thing and love is quite another. If you are looking to calm your sexual desire the option I have taken for my case is the best (obviously in my opinion and personal criteria), but, if your urgency is emotional, affective beyond something sexual or excitement the only possibility is to wait because that is not going to come overnight unfortunately, because Building connection and relationships takes time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2021

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