How to get porn free after substantial progress

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ejb65, May 3, 2017.

  1. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    I joined this forum 2 years and found it very helpful. I'm made substantial progress but not porn free yet.
    Milestones i've achieved are:
    -don't use laptop for porn anymore.
    -don't use porn addictively now. ie. i don't do it in a binge way.
    -don't seek out solitude to use porn.
    -i don't use porn in the evenings after 6pm.
    -I don't use porn at night now and sleep well.
    -sex with wife has improved and getting erections and cumming ok now.

    So left now with using porn on my phone sometimes during the day on weekends or just when i get home from work.

    So how to push through to being porn free?

    I guess because life is alot better now the motivation to get totally porn is harder?
    generally my approach to reducing porn has been to use the slight edge approach and break it into smaller tasks and achieve the milestones i have done above.

    i have deliberately not tried to use willpower and counting days that many people do here but the "easy to do, easy not to do" approach of the slight edge.

    So now how to get porn free. what slight edge tasks to get to poor-free-ness. -)
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2017
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member


    I noticed you wrote on Orpheus's journal that you cheated with someone else in order to make things sexually better with your wife. As a former big time cheater I would suggest that this is part of the addiction. It isn't normal to try and kick start sex with our wife by having sex with someone else. Not casting stones, as I've been there, done that. Just giving you my take on it. I recognize my behavior now as part of my sex addiction. You are still toying with behavior that disallows a complete break from P.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Great that you have made such progress. The question you ask about how to get porn free is a tough one. I think there is so much in the way of awesome resources at yourbrainonporn.com and the men here have many personal experiences to share. I like to make my relationship with my wife a big part of my focus. Not just the improved physical intimacy between us but the non-sexual intimacy such and hugging, hand holding, cuddling and kissing. Non-sexual physical bonding... when using porn even in small amounts I find I get very selfish and pull away from my wonderful wife. If using porn a lot I become mean and arrogant. Oxytocin is released when bonding with our spouse or partner and it feels amazing... much better than porn ever can... I find porn use leaves me hollow and empty and longing... false intimacy and a horrible lie.

    All the best friend.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  4. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    What is the slight edge approach? How often and for how long are you looking up porn on your phone? Do you consider this as being a compulsive act or a "take it or leave it" act?

    If it's recreational and not done compulsively, and you have no moral reservations about it, maybe it's okay. In my experience, the inner addict, the ego is a trickster and a master of justification. While it's great that you have improved, I wonder what makes you go back and drink from that well again.
     
    Wabi-sabi likes this.
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yes. I'm curious to here more.
     
  6. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    This.

    Sorry if I sound judgmental, but your brain lies to you every time. It tells you that you've kicked your late-night binges so it's OK to surf at other times.

    Having said that, I have to be honest and say I'm somewhat envious of the OP's control over porn. Personally, the minute I drop those search terms into the net, porn owns me, and I binge hard. . . whoosh, it's 3am! I am completely powerless in the grip of porn.

    But you asked a question, ejb65. . . I recommend you look into the habitual element of it, especially of using your phone after work, either a reward or a commiseration. And always ask yourslef the question: what am I hiding from when I'm looking at porn.

    So, what are you frightened of?

    What are your deepest insecurities, and how do they eat you up?

    It's by looking within - and forgiving what you see - that you move ahead. I'm not trying to say that I'm there yet. I still have urges to relapse when faced with stressful situations, but I'm starting to gain some control over things.
     
  7. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    The slight edge approach is to break a big change into a series of small changes that are "easy to do, easy not to do".
    This is based on the book The Slight Edge recommended on this site.
    If the small change is not working after a week or 2 then you forget it and figure out a new small change.
    I found it takes about 2 months for the small change to become permanent and then you figure out the next small change.
    I intend to do this approach the rest of my like. Not just for stopping using porn.
    It actually common sense. It just building good habits into our lives. Something I should have been doing all my life.
     
  8. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    Well I have used porn all this year 2018 and its been easy. I never though i would say that but its true.
    I worked a couple of months last year on not using it after work or weekends and i started to have success and now this year it happened.
    It took my 3 years and 3 months to stop using point. It was a tortoise vs hare approach. I was the tortoise slower working on it.
    For me but doing small step and getting porn-free for just part of my week i think what happens is over 3 years i realised I enjoyed the porn-free time better so it
    just became obvious that life was better porn-free and gradually it just feel away so now i'm not using porn at all. Amazing.
    It wasn't will power just slowly working on getting more and more of my life porn-free until now i've forgotten abou porn.
     
  9. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    I think reading about success is the most encouraging thing about this website.
    Also I did not used lots of willpower.
    I think it important to think both long-term and short-term.
    SHORT-TERM
    In the short-term just work on the current small change. Maybe it just to stop using porn at night as getting a good night sleep is important.
    I also found self-talk is important.
    When i was working on the stop using porn at night i used the self-talk "Using porn at night is bad for getting a goodnight sleep".
    I said this to myself when i felt like using porn at night.
    I didn't worry that i was using porn during the day as that wasn't the small change i was working on.
    After 2 months of not using porn at night it just became my habit and i haven't used porn at night for 1 1/2 years now.
    In fact i now never even think about using porn at night.
    Then i moved on to not using porn in the evening that took another 2 months
    and so on.
    LONG TERM
    all these short-term successes added up.
    As i used porn less and less life improved until now over 3 years later haven't used porn at all for 2 months and it now easy. Hardly ever think of porn. Amazing but all the short-term successes gradually add to LONG TERM success. You just have to keep working on each short-term success and LONG TERM SUCCESS IS ASSURED. I can't believe it but its obviously true. -)
    Hope that's helpful.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2018
  10. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    I still can't quite believe it but stopping porn completely has happened. It was the accumulated of a series of short-term success over 3 year and 2 months.

    I actually found it better to forget about the long-term. just concentrating on each short-term improvement meant the long-term objective happened automatically.

    That's amazing any big thing is possible if you just break it down into a series of small things and concentrate on just doing each small thing.

    Wow what a lesson in life....I can't quite believe it.
     
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree with this. I'm glad you've beaten the addiction. I also found The Slight Edge an important book. Congrats!
     

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