How porn turned me into a tranny porn star... of sorts

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by inanidealworld, Oct 18, 2015.

  1. inanidealworld

    inanidealworld New Member

    Hello to every one here.

    Apologies if I have posted this in the wrong place. I am looking for people with similar stories and offers of support please. Can I please request that people only reply with helpful, respectful replies. I've been through the looking glass and have come out the other end relatively intact. It was crazy but with the help of like-minded people I can get on with life, or at least, the version I want. So please, I don't do labels well. If you need to make a judgement then please do it quietly in your head without the need to write it here.

    So I started watching tranny porn about ten years ago, it gradually coming to dominate all the porn I watched. At first it was like, 'ergh, that's a cock!" but then as I found myself imagining what it would be like to be the girl in the video, it became more appealing. Hard to explain, as most fetishes are, but I think it has something to do with the transformation. I love porn of transformations. Like a good girl becoming a slut, so the idea of a guy becoming a hot tranny porn star was also hot, like the ultimate transformation.

    I had a thing for boots, like every porn video had to have a chick wearing knee high boots in it. I once had the urge to put on my girlfriend's boots while she was out. It looked kinda stupid, what with my hairy legs, so put on some thick tights to cover the legs, and took a few pics. Over the years, things sort of grew from the boots up, as the frequency of tranny porn increased. I started filming myself prancing around in boots and posting these little vids on youtube. I got a bit of a following and that was kind of exciting.

    I once went for a month without looking at any porn whilst I had a girlfriend, but by then the tranny porn images were so ingrained in my head, that when I'd masturbate to nothing but my thoughts, me being in tranny scenarios would pop up, even stronger than when I was watching porn. Me dressed as a tranny being taken by a huge beefy black guy? Where did that come from?! Oh I know, those hundreds of videos I've been watching. Strangely, the absence of video porn as a situation to merely observe encouraged me to imagine being the focus of attention in the videos.

    I started dressing up as a girl, boots and all, when the girlfriend was not around. I'd film more of myself, post videos and pics, and my following grew. I wanted to be like the tranny porn stars I was watching. By now I had met up with a Filipino ladyboy for a no-strings encounter and although I was sure to use a condom, I really freaked out after as it seemed a real line-crosser. But I found myself contacting the same chick a month later. Some time later my living circumstances changed and I bought a bunch of cheap makeup and a cheap wig and set about transforming myself from head to toe, to finally become a tranny porn star (of sorts) myself. I later bought more wigs, makeup, latex clothes, leather stuff, boots, and lots of other slutty outfits that I'd like to see other girls in. I took pics and videos of me walking around, occasionally venturing outdoors for some heart-thumping walks about town, pleased at every passing person who didn’t stare at me. It was exhilarating but isolating.

    But where do these things end? I’ve realised that they never do, like most addictions. It’s weird how I often thought “well I’ll do THAT thing and then it will be the end of my addiction” as if there was some magic milestone I simply needed to reach and then all my tranny porn urges would be satisfied and I’d simply retreat back to being a ‘regular’ guy. And in my case, I guess that 'thing' was me getting screwed dressed as a slut.

    I wanted more of an outlet for my female alter-ego so I signed up to a few forum/social networking sites for crossdressers. I quickly became very popular on these sites and was faced with the weird situation of having men and other crossdressers after me. Not being into men at all, I met up with some crossdressers in order to make some tranny porn. I was more interested in taking the pictures and videos than I was actually experiencing it first hand, if that makes any sense. It was not hardcore stuff but it was weirdly exciting to return with a bunch of home-made tranny porn pics, ready to post on the forums, much to the acclaim of the many followers. But each encounter was followed by a few sleepless nights and a deep sense of foreboding and paranoia in general. A while later I got with a girl who I half opened-up to about the trannying, leaving out some of my recent sexual experiences, not wanting to scare her away. She found it interesting and even went to a few tranny clubs with me. That was really fun and she was even a bit jealous of all the attention I was getting. At one place we had sex in front of others and we enjoyed it.

    But watching the tranny porn by myself continued… and the more I watched the more I wanted to star in my own videos. I liked watching trannies getting fucked by men or other trannies. So they were the kind of videos I wanted to make. I played with myself anally whist watching the porn, imagining I was the tranny. It may have been a contributing factor (although the new vast physical distance between us was more likely) but me and my girlfriend split and I soon set about making my tranny fantasies come true by meeting up with other trannies and filming myself being screwed. The first time was weird. I didn’t really know how I felt about it. So I got screwed by a few more trannies and even a guy (now that did shake me up), with the main purpose being to produce my own videos, to post online, get praise, and the cycle continues! What am I doing? This is crazy. I was dildoing myself a lot with fairy big dildos and really enjoying the sensation. I told a few close friends about it, but played-down my concerns. They supported me, or should I say, enabled me, only fuelling the desire to tranny-up more and more, all with the aim of making and watching my own porn, and telling them about my adventures. But the more clubs I went to by myself, the more disconnected to society I felt. My friends didn't know I was so uncomfortable with it.

    By now I had quite a few videos on tube sites of my female alter ego in various sexual adventures and explicit pics on quite a few websites. I was spending way too much time looking at, well, myself. As narcissism goes, beating off to yourself being screwed has to take the biscuit. I was so wrapped up in my image. I thought I looked hot. I dug myself more than any other girl. Yeah… this was getting weird. I started to realise that a lot of people on these crossdressing forums were in the same boat as me but it seemed like many had mistaken their deep fetishes as a lifestyle choice, defining their life entirely by their fetish, and all around them, in the weird anonymous world of crossdresser internet life, everyone was enabling everyone else. When I tried to mention my concerns I was met with faux sympathy, as if the problem was how I felt about my actions, and not the actions themselves. Well, perhaps so. In an ideal world, I guess it shouldn't matter, but in today's world it does.

    Lost in the sheer drive for more and more lusty adventures, I eventually started looking at the bigger picture. I had to make a choice. I was either going to live this life, let a mere fetish grow out of all proportion and take me over completely, or put on the brakes and calm it down, keeping myself busy with other things and constantly remind myself of why this needs to stop. I don’t know if anyone else is going through the same thing but here are the things I always tell myself when I consider trannying-up again:

    - This is so ridiculously narcissistic.
    - This is derived ENTIRELY from porn. Watching porn has never improved your life.
    - This urge comes up when you are bored. When you have time. But then there is the danger that, no matter how unconsciously, you start making time for it.
    - Look at all the success in your life, They were not during periods of ‘her’ (me female alter-ego)
    - It is all a glorified wank. Really.
    - It’s too risky in terms of STDs. Even using condoms doesn’t prevent nasty stuff.
    - Going on these forums now just feels heavy and not fun anymore.
    - It’s all about porn. It's all about recording it, taking the pics and vid and not the actual doing. There is a danger you could get lost in it and start letting it really define your whole life.
    - It is a fetish. It can stay a fetish. You may find someone again who will like it. You did it with a girlfriend and that was fun. It is really only really good when you can share it with someone cool.
    - The only time you think it's a good idea to keep doing it is when you are jerking off or are about to. And you can't spend your life jerking off.
    - So this is a kink you'll probably always have. That’s OK. But don't let it dominate a person who can do a lot of other interesting things.
    - Oh, and it kills sentiment. The endless search for lust turns you into an unfeeling, insensitive prick. You know it does.

    I still watch tranny porn but less so, even when I’m really bored, and my female persona has been wiped off the internet, significantly reducing my desire to record new pictures and videos as I would have to start all over again. I know I've crossed lots and lots of lines. But I know myself a little better now and what I want out of life: to share things, care for friends, have a special other, maybe even have a family, and hell my female persona may even come out again one day, but if it does, it should be in the context of a loving partner and not as a sole-jerking off no-end-to-it kind of way.

    It was a hell of a trip and the hard work is nowhere near finished. The urge is still huge to dress up and make porn, especially when I’m bored, but it’s looking good so far.

    I'll update and would appreciate any words of support.

    Thanks if you read the whole thing!
     
  2. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    I did read the whole thing. :)

    You are correct and wise to know that a sexual fetish doesn't define you. What's important is what you said "to share things, care for friends, have a special other, maybe even have a family". These are the things that matter. These are the things that make life. Everything else is fodder that fills time.

    I often ask myself, to sort out the important from the fodder (because can't we all get way too caught up in the fodder?), does this matter? Does this provide me or others love or happiness? The answer is typically very straight forward and easily arrived at.

    And this answered that question. ;) In the context of a loving partner. If you are comfortable with your female side, and find that you can integrate it in a healthy manner that is not porn based, isolating and exploitative of yourself, then happiness and love via sexuality should be shared, not become a solitary obsession that takes you away from the meaningful things in life.

    On our deathbeds, I don't believe anyone will look back and consider anything but the love and happiness we provided, and in turn, the love and happiness that were provided to us by others.

    All the best to you.
     
  3. Thank you for posting this. Powerful stuff, and I see a lot of myself in what you describe despite not having gone even a tenth of where you have.

    You should be proud of your clarity of mind. It gets better the more you stay away from artificial sexual stimulation (porn) and are able to re regulate your sexuality. You have battled your way through one of the most powerful addictions imaginable and come out stronger on the way out.

    All the best to you.
     
  4. Rissen

    Rissen Member

    It was very interesting to read your story. You seem like an intelligent person, a good person, and just like all of us here you took a wrong turn somewhere along the way and that led you to a new wrong turn and so on, and here you are. Well you're in good company now. You'll probably find more guys here with the same issues and I'm sure you'll be able to turn your life around if you're prepared to do the work. I've had some contact with trannys online sometimes and I've often thought that perhaps they are really mistaken about themselves. At least many of them seem very self destructive and it's almost like that is part of the fetish. Not sure if it has been like that for you, but from what you wrote it seems like it in a way. One thing we all have to learn while rebooting is to develop a new respect and love for ourselves and our sexuality. I think you've really taken a very important first step.
    Welcome to the board! :)
     
  5. inanidealworld

    inanidealworld New Member

    Thanks for the positive reply guys, really helps to see some some kind words.
     

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