How my lightbulb illuminated. An addiction story

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by nhfriend, May 23, 2022.

  1. nhfriend

    nhfriend New Member

    November 2020: I was sitting in the breakroom after a long shift at work and decided to video

    chat my wife and kids. I know they talked about their day and what was for dinner, but I don’t

    remember any of that. I know the kids were playing in the background while I talked to my wife,

    but I don’t remember what they were doing. My eyes were trying too hard not to look at what my

    wife was wearing, and my mind was trying too hard not to imagine what was underneath. I

    constantly replayed the conversation I imagined us having in bed later that night. We hung up,

    and it slowly dawned on me that all the things a loving husband and father should be excited

    about, had started to feel like a chore.


    Out of desperation, I tried doing some web searches to understand what I was feeling. After

    several dead ends, I found the term “porn addiction”, which led me down a rabbit hole that

    proceeded to change the direction of my life, forever.


    My parents had always favoured my older brother. On some level, I was aware I was somewhat

    neglected. He was the jock, I was the quiet stutterer. That something came along at age nine. We got illegal cable. And one night, around 10pm, I woke up to find my dad watching something quietly in the living room. Through the hallway, I could see the pornography he was watching on the television.



    I found out later that my dad often watches pornography late at night. And so, it became a

    nightly routine for me to get up once everyone was asleep to get up and catch a sneak peek.


    At 11, as is everyone else’s experience, we discovered “the magic bush” in the park that

    spawned a hardcore magazine my friend and I shared every other week. I started masturbating.

    By age 14, I was masturbating 3-5 times a day. Then we got a computer with a high-speed

    internet connection. I also met my first girlfriend, who is now my wife. You can see where this is

    Going.


    I eventually finished school, having no idea what I wanted to do in life. I had average grades, no

    motivation, no ambition and two part time jobs. I was passionate about poker, but this, and my

    potential to succeed, was completely diminished by my addiction.

    At 21, my father passed away in a traumatic way. He died in our family home, while myself and

    my brother gave CPR. I thought I was coping well, but in reality, porn was doing this for me. I

    didn’t realise this at the time, but this is where my porn addiction really escalated and spiralled

    out of control.


    I started watching more perverse and hardcore material. I developed a specific fetish that I

    would binge watch for hours on end. When that wasn’t enough, I introduced it into real life with

    my partner. She hated it and thought it was disgusting, but occasionally played along to satisfy

    my fantasy. If she didn’t want to role play, I would just imagine and fantasise in my head, then

    watch porn after we finished because I wasn’t satisfied. However, it was never enough. The role

    play always needed to be more. Our sex life became purely about me getting off, rather than

    two people’s physical and emotional connection. I neglected my wife’s needs for my own selfish

    fantasies. I would initiate sex lazily, not even caring whether we did or not, because I knew that

    porn was sitting there once she went to bed. This went on for years.


    In 2020 after our second child, my wife went into a severe depressive state, because of her

    isolation from the world thanks to COVID, but also because of my shortcomings as a husband

    and father. She eventually came out the end and her libido went through the roof. We started

    having sex multiple times a day. One day, we started talking about my fantasies and she said

    she was keen to give it a go. I was rattled and shocked at the suggestion. I suddenly realised I

    was disgusted at the idea of my wife actually enjoying my fantasy. Which led to confusion and

    the onslaught of a million questions. Why do I feel like this when my wife suggests it, but when I

    get urges, I feel intense arousal? How can I feel disgusted despite having non-stop sexual

    thoughts? Why do I still feel like being a father and a husband is chore?


    The next day, I searched all over the web for answers to these questions. I eventually opened a

    web page titled “signs you may have a porn addiction”. I checked off every symptom listed.

    Sneaking away from my wife to watch porn? Check. Losing track of time? Check. Loss of

    interest in sex? Check. Spending hours watching porn? Easy check. Oh. My. God.

    Those next few days I spent hours on the computer. But I didn’t watch a single second of

    pornography. I was reading other people’s stories and experiences. I came across

    yourbrainonporn.com from Gary Wilson (RIP) who become somewhat of a hero to me. Over the

    next few weeks, I stopped the porn and started working out at the gym, quit alcohol, found other

    hobbies, and finally started really interacting with my family. The change I felt in myself was

    almost instant. After just a couple of weeks without porn, my mood improved, my brain fog

    dissipated. I had motivation and ambition.


    I’d been battling a serious porn addiction for almost 20 years. Now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever

    been. My wife and kids believe the change is night and day. No longer am I in auto pilot. I know

    I would’ve lost my family if I continued the way I was. I still have my tough days and relapses,

    but I continue to stay on course. After what I’ve been through, I’ve made it my responsibility to

    help others. I see other people within my friend circle struggle with mental health and porn. I

    believe there is an epidemic of pornography addiction among young men like myself and they

    have absolutely no idea. I know I didn’t. I hope my story can help others, as many other stories

    have helped me.
     
    Pete McVries likes this.

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