How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Sunday... Watching the commonwealth games, keeping missus company in late stages of gestation....

    Stressed about the incompletion of our expensive ensuite fit out and the behaviour of the tradesman... and if they will finish it before we have our kid.. We ended up having to clean our house before they complete their job due to imminent visit from the health visitor... And I just have no idea how things will end up. I went about checking their work and found a couple of hidden surprises which annoyed the hell out of me.
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Meant to reach out to folks on here who may have motivational challenges first thing in the morning...

    I tend to wake up these days- pretty much since mid 2020- feeling very unhappy/ not wanting to start the day...

    I used to procrastinate from say 6.00, 6.30 until starting work at 8.00 to 8.30... drinking coffee... Looking at crap on my phone... I do sometimes take a walk but not consistently. Can anyone relate and / or recommend some activities or routines that helped you break out?
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate. I usually wake up groggy and feel anything but ready to tackle the day. Some days I get cracking right away, in spite of my tiredness, while other times I allow myself to lie in bed and read for a bit. The key word here is "allow." I try not to put pressure on myself about what I ought to be doing. Giving myself mental space, ie: not bitching at myself, usually makes me want to be more active.
    Tomato76 and badger like this.
  4. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    for me it's all about consistency. i read every night about 1-1 1/2 hrs. then go to sleep between 9:30-10:00. i automatically wake up between 5:00-5;30 every day. been doing it for decades. but again i had to be at work by 6:00 am. now that i am semi-retired i still follow the same evening/morning routine. my body is used to it. of course it is not set in stone. there will be times when it wavers, rarely though. as my life is "boring" now at 67 years old. i like boring. i love the mornings. the world is asleep. my time with God. this is when i drink my coffee. pray/meditate. then i go for a walk or go to the nearby park and do calisthenics. no one there except other oldtimers like me. all of this usually takes about an hour or hour and a half, depending on how much energy i've got that day. after that i am mentally and physically ready for whatever the day has to offer. now this is my schedule. your times may be different. the important thing is to have a schedule with your goals in mind. as saville says, don't punish yourself if you can't keep it. my motivation is staying sober, staying limber and mobile in my old age, and getting closer to God everyday. whatever your why is will determine your motivation, or not. more of my old man ramblings.
    Tomato76, Saville and path-forward like this.
  5. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Cheers gents... 6.00am... In a good headspace today thankfully, though not too much time to think/ procrastinate as I need to get prepared for a meeting now.
    Saville likes this.
  6. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Saturday pm.... Watching telly, done a few house jobs... Avoiding draw of p or f. Finished listening to no more Mr Nice Guy this am. Will definitely listen again as the messages in it need reinforcing in me.. And because I slept during some of it.

    Conscious of the overriding message in it: that the nice guy thinks that if he's nice to everyone everything will run smoothly and he will be rewarded somehow.

    Really that has been me to a T for all my life. Always the nice guy... I used to love that people would say that I was so nice.

    I don't agree with everyone about everything, that's not me entirely... I'm not that bad/sappy... But then many nice guys aren't that bad....they're probably not always agreeable either, but probably far more agreeable than they should be

    ... so many episodes in my life where stuff wouldn't work out, work, girls... and I'd get stressed, upset, and wonder. "why the fuck is this happening, what have I done to have to deal with this shit? I play by the rules, always contribute fairly, am respectful"

    But really, who wants to be THAT guy?

    So fuck that from now on.

    Bathroom got done, tradesmen stuck to their tasks, I probably got more stressed than I should have done about them/ the job... Still too much of the nice guy, seeking approval, avoiding disapproval...

    Onwards and upwards.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I hate to use the word spectrum (lol) but Nice Guys are on a spectrum. Some of what Glover says does not ring true for me, either, but it's an amazing template. In fact, I've seen many books and articles that are now using his thesis as though they just came up with it. I suppose, as it's said, the greatest form of flattery is to be copied. I also think the best chapters of the book are at the beginning, like with most self-help books. Another book I found useful was "I'm OK, You're OK." I learned about how we can switch from adult, to parent, to child, depending on how we want our transaction to go and how we've been conditioned to respond. My wife and I were often 2 year olds, trying to make sense of our adult relationship.

    Over time we develop our own template, one that evolves constantly. I read a quote by Thomas Merton: "If the you of five years ago doesn't consider the you of today a heretic, then you are not growing spiritually."

    A lot of tradespeople suck! You were right to fuss about it, because renovations cost a lot of money. And you were right to hold them to a reasonable standard.

    You're on track, my man!
    Tomato76 likes this.
  8. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    @Saville I like the Merton quote, looking back at how I was 5 years ago....hmm... Would I have viewed me, now, as heretic ... Possibly. Definitely have changed in some ways/ made choices, that myself of 5 years ago would not have expected... Mainly the drinking side of things, I could not have conceived of myself as a future non-drinker, I thought of drinking as almost essential to experiencing a good life.. Though myself of five years ago would have expected me to have knocked the old fappage on the head by now and would be highly disappointed of me for still letting it get in the way.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's amazing! I probably used booze similarly to you. I drank to fill the void. I'm not totally tea-total, but I seldom drink now and never to excess.

    Your inner heretic is there. He's wants to show up and you've got the moxie to let him take the reins. The great discovery for me when I gave up PMO/MO was that I began to have fun. I became a kid again. I can have more radical fun clean of past devices (PMO, booze, pot) than I ever had with them. That reminds me of another quote, one by Hafiz: "“There is only one rule on this wild playground…’have fun, my dear’ my dear, have fun.'”
  10. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Well ... Back on for a quick post.

    I am now a dad, daughter was born last week.

    Don't want to go into all the details of the parenting experience, suffice to say it's been amazing... But there were times in the last 7 days when I thought the whole fap thing would never come back to me, so immersed I have been in parenting duties....

    But sure as eggs are eggs, this am, as I started to emerge from the initial bubble, I felt all the all urges coming back, but importantly also all the stimuli for the urges too.

    So much anxiety in me... Resentment, fears... So obvious now that they are a big part of my fappage... Continually trying to work out... "How do I eradicate them??"
    A New Man and Saville like this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member


    When you immersed yourself in something fulfilling the urges faded away naturally. That should tell you something.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  12. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Congrats @Tomato76!

    I have found being a Dad an amazingly satisfying experience! While now an empty nester - my relationship with my kids continues to be a very special part of my life.

    and like @Saville emphasized - it is all about finding healthy endeavors to counterbalance the triggers. While much easier said then done at times, it’s all about taking incremental steps in the right direction.

    keep on fighting!
  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Where did you listen to NMMNG? Is it on a Podcast or an audiobook? I previously read a few chapters, some of it resonated with me but I gave up after a bit, could do with revisiting.

    Congratulations on becoming a father.
  14. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member


    It's on YouTube. I have no idea if it was the official audiobook or if someone has taken the trouble to make one out of it and upload it. I do find the narrator sounds a bit old-fashioned, but it does the job.

    I just noticed that the link below was set up recently, so perhaps it keeps getting removed, then re-uploaded.

    No More Mr Nice Guy Audiobook by Dr. Robert A Glover - YouTube
  15. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    I totally get that stuff that keeps me occupied keeps me fapping... as you say @path-forward , easier said that done. I am still struggling with it... what is weird at the moment is how "vital" I feel. wondering, if once you have had a child, you suddenly feel the need to procreate even more... I realise that this sounds like an excuse to fap... it is not intended to be, more an observation.

    I have been looking into joining some kind of men's group and I noticed that an SAA group is set up in my home town. I have been to SAA in the past, and planned to do it again a few years back, but did not follow through with it. As much as anything, I would love some face to face contact with folks who cannot manage their fapping, but the problem I have is that my OH does not know about any of this... I also know that if I went to SAA there would be the usual phone number swap and from then on I would start getting calls from people at all times of the day, which right now, I don't have the time or privacy to field.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey @Tomato76 thanks for the post on my thread.

    Another option to consider for a men's group is Mark Queppet's Self Mastery Club. Could be a great option for a discreet support community that actually works. In all my research, Queppet's methodologies are top notch. I haven't signed up though, so I can't comment on the actual experience. The intro video is here (well worth watching regardless) and the signup is here. The only issues might be that you may still have to bring your OH on board if you are spending time in the webinars etc, and also the cost - USD$99 for 3 months and then USD$39 thereafter.

    In any case, all the best and keep up the progress.

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