How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. realness

    realness Active Member

    This was me this morning! Thanks for sharing man. I stopped MO'ing knowing what a weaker, beat up person I'd be the rest of the day if I FMO'd.

    You mentioned shame and only being able to open up to another fellow addict. I've been going to a recovery group and there really is something to verbally confessing this stuff. You don't have to do that right away. And after attending for a little while confessing to PMO doesn't seem like such a big deal after other members have confessed to that and many other things. Even if it's not for you, checking out a recovery group is a really cool life experience that opens up your mind. I have to say too that it can be an incredible way to build community and not bear the hard work of beating a compulsion/addiction alone.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member


    Glad my post had a positive effect!

    Re recovery groups.... Well, after I hit rock bottom acting out say 11 years ago, I went to recovery groups for maybe 18 months to 2 years.

    I did get something from them, for sure... I will never forget the immense relief to be sat in a room with people of many ages and backgrounds sharing their sex addiction problems...

    The problem I have with going to groups now is none of my past has been disclosed to my partner.

    I have told her of my many challenges with sex, and she is supportive but she has no idea that I have in the past been sneaking porn, looking at hookup sites etc... I don't want to tell her about it.

    And the way we live our lives together, it would be hard for me to go to recovery groups stealthily.

    So at the moment this is the closest I could get... But agree, support groups are good.
  3. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Fucks sake... I mo'd today... Twice...

    Almost three months no fap..

    It was like for a short while, I just stopped giving a shit about my progress.

    Not pmo mind, to f.... About friend of my partner.... It's mad, because I have never been interested in her in that way, but dreamed about her (sexually) a few weeks back, and now, as a result, think about her differently... And this dream has triggered my imagination.

    Anyway, I am not going to feel sorry for myself, even if it sounds a bit like I am...

    I decided to write down, straight afterwards how I felt. Of course it's negative... As much as I don't want to be negative, I want to journal this stuff, because I may want to revisit it to help remind me of the consequences...

    This is what I felt (after the second, not the first).

    I feel like I am in public with no clothes on.
    I feel a 10 percent drop in confidence.
    I feel empty and hollow.
    I feel empty "down there".
    I feel like I have let myself down.
    I feel like I have let the side down... As in everyone struggling with this.
    I feel like I don't want to admit that I did this.
    I feel like a cheat.

    Look, I know this negativity is not good... But I want to get it down
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Don´t let the negativity drag you down to a point were you say fuck it, now I will PMO because it does not matter any more after I already mo´d. I hope I remember this myself after a relapse, LOL.

    A lot of the feelings is conditioned or programmed, like we have certain thoughts and we attach the suitable feelings to them. Does this make sense? An example, we lost something, like money after making a bad decission, and we feel stupid, because after a bad decission we are conditioned or programmed to feel a certain way.
    Another way to look at it could be, I have still something to learn from this situation, thats why I revisited it again. What is it?
    And that seems to be what you are doing. So I say: Well done for looking at your feelings straight after the event and trying to find out what went on inside yourself. Thats the way.
    Keep going. All the best.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  5. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks @Libertad.

    It could have been worse, I've picked myself up from it and am focussing on keeping on the right track again.

    End of the day, there's alot of fap free time to be pleased about this year, I just need to be more on guard, and try and work out what it is I need to do to minimize the unconscious triggers... this stuff won't always be plain sailing.

    Thanks for the support!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  6. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Been a while since posting in my thread.

    Doing "well" but not well enough.

    Partner and I have made some progress with our trying to have a baby...

    But with news that she is (albeit in early stages), pregnant, I seem to have used this as a license to revert to former ways, mainly fmo...

    Not a good situation... Need to bring things back on track.

    Last week, we had a brief heated argument... and I am quite prepared to say that if on that day, I had not been peeking at stuff, it would not have happened.

    Prior to the argument the peeking had put me in a negative headspace, like I had a metaphorical box around my head, a couple of ft cubed, that I could not see beyond ... I rejected her when she offered to help me with stuff, and it made my really jumpy. She could sense something and got, quite reasonably, angry.

    We recovered from the argument quickly, but I am certain it would not have happened had I not visited a couple of websites, and found something else to do instead.

    I have set myself up for the year ahead in work, ended up getting a good appraisal for my work in 21, so I have some things to be pleased about.

    But I need to steer myself on the straight and narrow once again.
    Saville, Rudolf Geyse and realness like this.

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