How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    This was me this morning! Thanks for sharing man. I stopped MO'ing knowing what a weaker, beat up person I'd be the rest of the day if I FMO'd.

    You mentioned shame and only being able to open up to another fellow addict. I've been going to a recovery group and there really is something to verbally confessing this stuff. You don't have to do that right away. And after attending for a little while confessing to PMO doesn't seem like such a big deal after other members have confessed to that and many other things. Even if it's not for you, checking out a recovery group is a really cool life experience that opens up your mind. I have to say too that it can be an incredible way to build community and not bear the hard work of beating a compulsion/addiction alone.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member


    Glad my post had a positive effect!

    Re recovery groups.... Well, after I hit rock bottom acting out say 11 years ago, I went to recovery groups for maybe 18 months to 2 years.

    I did get something from them, for sure... I will never forget the immense relief to be sat in a room with people of many ages and backgrounds sharing their sex addiction problems...

    The problem I have with going to groups now is none of my past has been disclosed to my partner.

    I have told her of my many challenges with sex, and she is supportive but she has no idea that I have in the past been sneaking porn, looking at hookup sites etc... I don't want to tell her about it.

    And the way we live our lives together, it would be hard for me to go to recovery groups stealthily.

    So at the moment this is the closest I could get... But agree, support groups are good.
  3. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Fucks sake... I mo'd today... Twice...

    Almost three months no fap..

    It was like for a short while, I just stopped giving a shit about my progress.

    Not pmo mind, to f.... About friend of my partner.... It's mad, because I have never been interested in her in that way, but dreamed about her (sexually) a few weeks back, and now, as a result, think about her differently... And this dream has triggered my imagination.

    Anyway, I am not going to feel sorry for myself, even if it sounds a bit like I am...

    I decided to write down, straight afterwards how I felt. Of course it's negative... As much as I don't want to be negative, I want to journal this stuff, because I may want to revisit it to help remind me of the consequences...

    This is what I felt (after the second, not the first).

    I feel like I am in public with no clothes on.
    I feel a 10 percent drop in confidence.
    I feel empty and hollow.
    I feel empty "down there".
    I feel like I have let myself down.
    I feel like I have let the side down... As in everyone struggling with this.
    I feel like I don't want to admit that I did this.
    I feel like a cheat.

    Look, I know this negativity is not good... But I want to get it down
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Don´t let the negativity drag you down to a point were you say fuck it, now I will PMO because it does not matter any more after I already mo´d. I hope I remember this myself after a relapse, LOL.

    A lot of the feelings is conditioned or programmed, like we have certain thoughts and we attach the suitable feelings to them. Does this make sense? An example, we lost something, like money after making a bad decission, and we feel stupid, because after a bad decission we are conditioned or programmed to feel a certain way.
    Another way to look at it could be, I have still something to learn from this situation, thats why I revisited it again. What is it?
    And that seems to be what you are doing. So I say: Well done for looking at your feelings straight after the event and trying to find out what went on inside yourself. Thats the way.
    Keep going. All the best.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  5. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks @Libertad.

    It could have been worse, I've picked myself up from it and am focussing on keeping on the right track again.

    End of the day, there's alot of fap free time to be pleased about this year, I just need to be more on guard, and try and work out what it is I need to do to minimize the unconscious triggers... this stuff won't always be plain sailing.

    Thanks for the support!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  6. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Been a while since posting in my thread.

    Doing "well" but not well enough.

    Partner and I have made some progress with our trying to have a baby...

    But with news that she is (albeit in early stages), pregnant, I seem to have used this as a license to revert to former ways, mainly fmo...

    Not a good situation... Need to bring things back on track.

    Last week, we had a brief heated argument... and I am quite prepared to say that if on that day, I had not been peeking at stuff, it would not have happened.

    Prior to the argument the peeking had put me in a negative headspace, like I had a metaphorical box around my head, a couple of ft cubed, that I could not see beyond ... I rejected her when she offered to help me with stuff, and it made my really jumpy. She could sense something and got, quite reasonably, angry.

    We recovered from the argument quickly, but I am certain it would not have happened had I not visited a couple of websites, and found something else to do instead.

    I have set myself up for the year ahead in work, ended up getting a good appraisal for my work in 21, so I have some things to be pleased about.

    But I need to steer myself on the straight and narrow once again.
    Saville, Rudolf Geyse and realness like this.
  7. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hi all... Been reading various folks' posts, and thinking it would be good to come back and share once again and be part of this support group.

    We have baby due in a few weeks, which I feel somewhat excited about, and I say somewhat because in recent weeks I have found the stress of life overwhelming, which has made me feel rather depressed and questioning my capabilities and worth.

    Need to find a way of taking each hour as it comes and not feeling so anxious about life, which is a challenge right now.

    On the abstaining from bad habits front, I am not mo ing much, like every couple of weeks (which is too much), and thankfully many desires of the past/ worst habits in relation to that are way behind me...

    But instead I feel too much connection to my device and distraction... Very hard not to engage with it and read all kinds of crap that does not even log in my brain. As a result, during periods without a screen in front of me I am lacking dedication to the moment and the inability to be truly present feels debilitating.

    Work is killing me and I feel backed into a corner....

    On another positive, my abstinence from alcohol has continued for 18 months and I feel good about the health benefits of having stopped drinking, but my life is not feeling much better. Perhaps if I was drinking, I would be more down...

    I have got so much to appreciate but it's not registering much.

    Just unloading.... Will try and be more positive in future.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I can relate to a lot of what you are experiencing. The work stress, and feeling there is no way out. If I find something that works to alleviate this I'll let you know! What has been helpful to me in the past is good, proven de-stressors like getting outside, listening to an audiobook or great music in a chilled out position on the couch or bed, "brain dumping": getting out in writing all the stuff that's bothering you, eg. each task, and actually having a plan for what is bothering you rather than just feeling vaguely under pressure - making it more concrete with a plan for how to tackle it, rest etc. We can agree that avoiding the issues via distraction etc. just leads to more stress.

    All the best and good to hear from you.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Amazing! And yes you would feel more down.

    I know that feeling well and it sucks balls. But you will start feeling better, my friend. When I ditched drinking and changed my it took two years for me to experience life again fully.

    You've really done well, tomato. Congrats on the new life force that is coming your way! :)
    Rudolf Geyse and Tomato76 like this.
  10. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks @Saville and @Rudolf Geyse.

    Sitting peacefully in the sun now about to start the day, having successfully and mindfully avoided some triggers.

    Yes, I need to read a bit more as a healthy distraction, take in positive information and useful learning, like through audiobooks or just books.

    I used to read loads, but not as much these days... Part of me thinks this has been due to moving from hard copy to kindle.

    Feeling a bit better after a moderate start to the week. The last two Mondays were awful and the negative emotion was overwhelming. Hopefully after a better start to this week they were just a couple of episodes rather than a routine forming.
    Rudolf Geyse and path-forward like this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've abandoned my kindle. I just didn't get the same feeling from it. Maybe someone younger than me can curl up with a "good" kindle book, but give me a paper one any day.
    Tomato76 and path-forward like this.
  12. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Started listening to no more Mr Nice Guy this week. Wishing I had read it 25 years ago... I am about 1/3 of the way through. Depending upon how impactful it is, I may need to read it again.

    What is interesting is the emphasis on getting needs met. Recently I have withdrawn somewhat from many things that help me get my needs met, guitar, cycling, running... And I feel so unwell mentally, at times... And I know that is partially the reason... What kills me is that I persuade myself not to/ find reasons not to do these things...complete self sabotage.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is what happened when I after 3 years of being clean I indulged in PMO for a couple of weeks. I had let slip the things that I would consider self-care. Even during times of stress or trauma we must take care of ourselves. Not doing so digs the hole even deeper.

    Great insights, Tomato!
  14. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks @Saville ...

    Have to confess... 2 faps today ...Ridiculous, stupid behaviour. Even while in the midst of listening to NMMNG, and taking it on board.

    My brain needs novelty....always needs the sexy girl round the corner instead of my partner... I have improved over the the years, but... Still much more to to work on.
  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Not to legitimize the fapping or anything but sometimes self-work can bring up a lot of emotions which are uncomfortable (or can even just uplift us strongly) and that can sometimes increase the chances of resets. So yea don't beat yourself up and just get back on the horse.
    Saville, Rudolf Geyse and realness like this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Today a young woman jogging past my house complimented me on my garden. I immediately imagined a life with her, even though she's MILES too young. She's married, has kids, and could well be a fucking bitch on steroids at home. Having cheated, sexted, and cybered with a number of women other than my wife I know absolutely, without a doubt, the grass is NOT greener. I immediately reeled in that old, tired, narrative in and appreciated the fact that someone found my gardening efforts worthy to comment on. We are all works of progress, all the time!

    Don't beat yourself up, as @Thelongwayhome27 said. Today is a great day to be sober.
  17. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    It dosent happen automatically ! You ALWAYS have to do ALWAYS do !
  18. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Cheers guys.

    Appreciated your comment Saville. I often wonder... I am the only guy thinking like this? Is everyone else more content?... I know they can't be because people cheat and are unfaithful... But even knowing that I wonder if the underlying urges of other guys are generally weaker, or better suppressed by the subconscious.

    We are getting some work done on the house and the contractor who started off quite friendly, has become unreasonable after some errors during the installation/fitting process, partly our own partly theirs...

    Trying to be assertive seems to have little effect on the guy... his sense of professionalism / communication is poor and arrogance is angering... What is most disappointing is the apparent disconnect between the level of investment we have made in this project Vs his inability to at least provide good customer service in recognition of that...

    Trying not to let it stress me out, and there are bigger problems in the world... But it's testing us right now.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Some men, for sure, make better choices and have learned good coping skills. From what I'm reading you are developing a good sense of direction for yourself, Tomato.

    Relying on tradesmen can be trying...hang in their and definitely don't let him push you around!
  20. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    The good thing is I haven't reached for the p m o option today.

    Have absolutely no desire to do that, to empty myself and feel the tragic, pitiful despair that usually follows.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2022
    realness, Saville and path-forward like this.

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