How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Saturday am... Off out for a run in a bit... Chilling out at home for rest of the day, raking leaves in the garden, doing jobs in the house, off to theatre later....

    It's good to post about the mundane... As it means I've no real internal termoil to unload
    jumptime likes this.
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Day off today... Out for a run again.

    Mind was trying to get me to spend a cheeky 30 mins looking at photos and playing with pud... Not a good idea.

    It's come about, I think as I consider all the things I need to do today and a desire to avoid doing any of them... Nothing of these things I need to do is particularly taxing... But inside of me is a fap first, jobs later instinct.

    I am wondering to what extent this is ok?

    I realise my addict is saying it is fine...

    But really should it be that big a deal if it gets some angst and tension out the system?

    Anyway, I am not going to do it.

    I will go for a run, and confirm if that feeling is still there later on, once I have finished my exercise.
    Libertad likes this.
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Do you think the feeling you are listening to is the real you or the manipulation of your addicted brain and mind, out of a conditioned habbit or temptation to leave the here and now, the reality of your life for a while?
  4. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member


    I don't know ... Often ask that, I believe the latter... But when many things are going "ok" I feel it is real me

    If it is real me, there is a fine line between it and the addict and the negative consequences of the acting out I do with porn/adult materia, e.g. loss of intimacy with partner.
  5. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Anyway, going for run definitely cleared out the urge.
  6. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    But really should it be that big a deal if it gets some angst and tension out the system?
    for me this is as good an excuse as many others. my mind just keeps telling me fap. "just do it, you deserve it. it will relax you." that what my mind tells me. that what it is wired to do after decades of the same. there is no good positive reason to get in the ring with the filthy smut gorilla. it will not make me feel better or relieve tension. on the contrary for days afterwards it will tell me i am a loser. a degenerate. less than a man. and less than everyone else. we are always looking for excuses to give us permission to indulge in our addictions. for today, i will listen to the voice of reason and not lust. another one of my old man ramblings.
    Libertad likes this.
  7. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member


    Yeah... Had I fapped I am pretty sure I'd not feel good about it after... This morning, I knew I had to do something positive to clear the feeling... But I really wasn't as tuned in as much as I should have been on the potential after-effects, had I gone ahead and bashed one out.
  8. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Reading Noah Church's book, Wack
    , at the moment. Pretty good so far.

    I have not read that many porn/sex addiction books... Ten years or so ago, I read out of the shadows by Patrick Carnes, but it was essentially a 12 step guide book, not by someone who has actually struggled with sex/porn addiction personally.

    I read Josh Shea's book but I found it more of a bio, in the end.
  9. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    This is exactly what I realized for me too. Why even wrestle with the dirty gorilla, the more attention I give him and the more I fight him, the stronger he gets. An elevating or growing path could be to ask every time when the gorilla arises, why do I have the need to avoid the here and now, why am I ancomfortable with reality at the moment and look at that and try to find a way to overcome it.
    Tomato76 and badger like this.
  10. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Must be coming up to about 6, 7 weeks no fap now.

    Generally feeling good, the urges are not too powerful.

    I know that they can come out of nowhere, however, so I won't be complacent

    Life-mainly due to work- is challenging at the moment, but I feel, a bit more than ever before, that I am in some kind of groove. Certainly I feel far less distracted than I have felt in many years and am experiencing significantly less anxiety and greater self worth.

    I believe it is due to nofap, but also thanks to stopping drinking. A year or so ago I was reading books about imposter syndrome, trying to work out if I was an HSP and reading article about that (highly sensitive person).... Now I don't find myself trying to work out what I am, what social affliction I may or may not have, that is causing me to struggle in life.. I am just me.
    Rudolf Geyse and Libertad like this.
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You're doing great! I think you have the KEY !
    Tomato76 likes this.
  12. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Been almost a week since last post in my thread, still on it.

    Must be about 7 weeks fap free.

    Enjoying reading Noah Church book, Wack. Really impressed with his approach to addressing his porn addiction, and also by his willingness to be so public about how the problem affected him and now, how through his own experiences, is helping others.

    I feel so much shame about it would be hard to open up to anyone other than a fellow addict.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Shame , another very very powerful way the monster tries to control you ! You feel Shame so you stay in the shadows, berate self, do not seek help, not really living just existing. Meanwhile the monster wins. You have nothing to be ashamed of you fa ced it and are moving forward.
  14. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Another busy week this week, as always.

    End of the year .. performance review time.

    I have not hit my targets, despite having pretty much worked 10,11 hour days most of the year, and worked on holiday days. I will get a hard time from my manager for not prioritizing the right things. While I can't deny I am guilty of that to a point, I also know that, him and his boss have asked me to jump on unplanned stuff which also contributes to the adjustment in priorities.

    We are also in great shape, revenue wise, it is mainly softer kpis that I am not hitting.

    It's at times like this I hate the fact that I work for other people, when I am judged more for not hitting targets, than for the determination I put into resolving challenges and supporting my team, and collaborating within the organisation.

    Still have the dream of going it alone at something, but as long as it remains that, I am not sure how much I should really complain about the above as all things considered, I have alot to be grateful for.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    That's pretty painful @Tomato76 . I appreciate your attitude in the post! All the best with that and also for the year ahead. Who knows, with the extra time and energy you will rescue from being wasted on fap, you could possibly pour that into covering those other kpi's in 2022, or, even into starting to build something on the side which could help you realise you dream. In any case keep on keeping on.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2021
    Tomato76 likes this.
  16. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    @Rudolf Geyse

    Thanks... Yes that's what I was thinking, perhaps I have not appreciated the impact pmo has had on my work, or effect on ambitions and actions to fulfil them.

    I can't wait for a break at Christmas!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  17. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Great update, nice to hear you're in a 'flow state'. It sounds like you're reaching a place of self acceptance.
    Try not to get too hung up on the work stuff - I'm sure management will recognise your overall contribution rather than basing it solely on a couple of missed KPIs'

    Also thanks for sharing the book tip with us. I haven't heard of 'Wack' but will look it up.
  18. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey guys ...

    Checking in, felt urgy last two days... Started to fumble about a bit yesterday and also look at stuff, also to fantasy about friend of my partner, doing some of that "wonder if it still works stuff".

    Immediately began to feel the weakening affect on my state of mind, decision-making etc ...

    Stopped it... Back on track.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  19. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    It still works, don't let the pmo monster talk you into doubt !
    Tomato76 likes this.
  20. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thankfully was able to have sex with partner this morning...

    Got off to a bit of a slow start with it, awareness of midweek fantasy and fumbling created some self doubt ... As it always did x 1000 during periods when f and mo were a daily thing... But i think that the overall amount of clean time I have had on balance, and still no mo/pmo meant I was in a better place to perform than had I been less clean.

    That being said, complete abstinence from and (not occasional) f and mo, along with continuous personal development are the only things that will really get me out of this...
    Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.

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