How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Cheers Saville. Been good to read some of your posts and advice to others. I definitely need to stop thinking and let life happen a bit more. Time thinking gets in the way of accomplishment.
    Saville likes this.
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    3 weeks no PMO and the urges are back gnawing at me. I am working from home today and just had a look at some sights. Taking a few deep breaths and steering myself away from it

    Reminding myself of this: when doing this, you create a severely unwelcome anxiety that benefits you in no way and stops you from being a decent person, not just to your partner but to yourself.
    realness likes this.
  3. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    if i hang around a barbershop long enough, i'm going to get a haircut.
    Saville and Tomato76 like this.
  4. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Just been reading posts on other parts of the ybr message board.

    I forgot how helpful it can be to read other's stories/backgrounds, across different ages, on different subjects.

    Before returning here, I was very much feeling that I must be the only person with this problem. Of course, my experience in managing it, interacting here in the past should have reminded me I am not... But when you isolate with this stuff, you begin to feel that way.

    This morning I feel so relieved that I am not alone.
    Saville and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  5. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Great to read about your journey @Tomato76 . I really identify with how you described where you are now. Finding short term success abstaining from PMO to have it come roaring back after a short struggle. I'm finding that this is a landing point after healing from daily PMO usage and is an improvement. It's not a place for us to get stuck though, we're onto something here, this is temporary, there's greater heights of healthy living and joy. I'm so grateful for those who have overcome and are walking with us on this forum.
    Tomato76 and Saville like this.
  6. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks @realness .

    Today has been way better than yesterday; fewer urges, and I managed them reasonably well.

    I notice that it is always mornings when the urges are worst.

    It's usually after 8.00am, when I am warming up to the workday ahead and correspondingly feeling anxiety due to challenging work scenarios and also experiencing a degree of emptiness due to working in the house alone... perhaps also due to a lack of satisfaction with my job, even though it's reasonably interesting and on the whole can keep me very busy.

    I had those feelings today but I kept aware of them and did some small homecare things in addition to work which seemed to minimize them.
    realness and Saville like this.
  7. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Going into the office today.

    Really looking forward to a change of environment and seeing some faces I've not seen for a while.

    Slept well last night.

    Not many urges yesterday.

    I thought last night... and just now... when I have my urges and my mind tells me I need to relieve them, that in that very moment, it seems like they are stuck with me permanently. That's really how it feels in the moment. But sitting here right now, feeling serene, I have to remind myself that they are not. That they do pass. AND they do not necessarily build up a backlog that of urges will need to be relieved later.

    Yes, letting those feelings go (not resisting them) may lead to some kind of increased drive, sexual drive, or something... But not something that must be self relieved by MO or PMO in future, but can be allowed to pass like the prior urge.
    Saville likes this.
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    So true. Good idea to reinforce through regular reminders that the 'benefits' of acting out are totally fake.

    Interesting to read your insights into why and when you're triggered. Especially the things you mentioned about work being challenging and sometimes unfulfilling. Worth keeping tabs on it and managing your emotions in those areas.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  9. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Having a good weekend.. woke up...was looking at Facebook ... Away from OH at the moment visiting family, suddenly felt myself starting to go down path I dont want to so coming on here as a diversion.

    Will get out of bed and make myself a coffee, get occupied around the house and get out and do some exercise.

    Last night I went to bed reading a book called "this naked mind" . It is about how our subconscious causes us to crave alcohol and how we can undo the conditioning that it has had over the years through specific realisations. Made me think about to what extent rewiring by abstaining is also undoing unconscious conditioning, and if there are any tools to drive/accelerate the rewiring process. Not strictly to do with keeping busy having hobbies/ new interests, but that are more sexual/ emotional in orientation, that push you towards facing a series of realisations about sex and love reality Vs fantasy.

    I will look into what books about PMO or Mo have been written that say a similar thing/ take a similar approach, but from a PMO frame of reference.... perhaps the YBO book does, if there is one.
  10. breath

    breath Active Member

    The habit of looking elsewhere while in a good relationship is not bad or immoral, but it is totally avoidable. If one makes a real decision to pursue a devoted relationship and put out a loving effort. that effort comes back to you. What goes around comes around. You reap what you sow. Any path will become your path if you pursue it. Pursuing is different than thinking about it. If you really go for it you will know that you have tried even if it falls short or fails. While your honesty about it is a good start, if you habitually look at this as a tough decision re your existence, it will remain a tough decision that haunts you everyday. If you make this a chance to experience a relationship where you fully give body and soul, you will become more deeply in the relationship and your feelings have a better chance of truly embracing that. You describe wanting the relationship and according to your description, it sounds like it is you're ideal... if so I'd say stop humming and hawing and really go for it. If you wanna just be free but have a moral quandary which is pressuring you and making you feel obligated to do 'the right thing', then bravely ditch the relationship. No decision is wrong, but if you don't decide you will just go in circles - being neither in nor out.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  11. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    @breath thanks for posting in my thread and the advice.

    I am not sure which part of my thread you are posting about as have not commented on my partner and indecision in my relationship in the last week or so since I re-started posting.

    I am "committed" to my partner... but to your point about really going for it... I am still not doing that.... MO and PMO, the fantasies that serves it weakens it (hence committed in speech marks).... I struggle with securing committment due to fantasy, PMO, MO and the dishonestly and guilt it creates, which affect my feelings and create uncertainty the relationship... Even just looking at other girls can send me down that pmo path. I reckon I would find a way to do this eventually even if I got together with a woman I had for a long time sought/felt suitable as a life partner (for example in my last relationship).

    That being said I am sure that really putting everything in addition to not fapping will pay off and perhaps that is what I then have to do as much (as not fapping) to get the best out of it for myself, and her.

    I am also very pleased as last night we had sex.... it was natural-feeling, my mind did not wander during it, and I am sure this is due to the avoidance of PMO/mo in last few weeks, likely related to me getting over the three weeks cycle hurdle where I often give in.
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2021
  12. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    ... now, I feel good for the connection we made last night.

    And now I have to avoid the chaser.

    Often when we have sex, in the day or two after I end up going to PMO or MO... Justifying it on the basis of "well we just had sex so I can treat myself". This is a stupid and selfish line of thinking that is self-sabotage.

    I will I keep my focus on my partner's happiness and harmony within my relationship to avoid giving in to that.
  13. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Just read this again...

    ... And realized I am indeed being the sort of person who does not recover properly, because of too much focus on not fapping, fantasy avoidance and sex and various other don't do's in the post.

    Even though I have read that post by underdog several times over the years, I am amazed how little of it I seemed to have taken on board!
  14. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Productive non-stop work day and relaxing evening. Pleased that third series of Succession is on.

    In a peaceful state of mind, that is worth sustaining.
  15. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Keep moving on ! Your doing fine ! You hav e come a long way !
    Tomato76 likes this.
  16. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks Mad Dog!
  17. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Just checking in....

    Read my initial thread from 2014 yesterday, took ages... Hadn't realised i invested so much time on this forum, posting regularly... Was nice in a way, to read the journey of improvement which i let slip somewhat.

    Work is crazy stressful at the moment, I have alot on my plate and tend to feel responsible for many things that go wrong.

    Not drinking alcohol has helped me deal with the pressure better, reduced anxiety somewhat... But in a way I think it is resulting in me to tend to shoulder/take on even more challenges.

    Many days I work through 11 hours at a time sometimes not stopping to eat (like today).

    I often feel completely trapped in it.

    Last edited: Oct 29, 2021
  18. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    This weekend has been good.

    Full day yesterday buying and working on stuff for the house and out for a friends birthday in the evening.

    Head feeling clear due to mainly good behaviours, apart from finding it really hard not to check out massive group of women on table near to ours, when we were out.

    On the whole, feeling the benefits of doing the right stuff.
    Libertad and Old Tom Bombadil like this.
  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Had a few urges this morning. Friend who lives round the corner ... Also to look at escort sites.. rode it out.

    On upside was horny for my oh but she was not awake when I was up and horny. And that's the second day on the trot that has happened. Yesterday she rejected me.. but for good reason based on health related matter.

    But I was pleased I woke up and really wanted sex with her... I woke up wanting sex with any attractive women, to be honest... But that also included her so I went for her, rather went off to pull my plonker.

    Another busy day... Just made a tasty dinner... Really motivated to make our house better/ more comfortable and that is going to be keeping me occupied this winter.
  20. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Couple days off work end of this week…. Still got to jump on couple of calls/chase stuff up at work during the day but I will avoid getting too involved.

    Will get some jobs done round our house and sell some stuff on eBay, do some exercise.

    Woke up this morning with OH, no sex but had wood and had some intimacy with her.

    At the moment we can't have sex, but the good part of this morning was that I had wood, and that my brain was not in this rushed/ anxious space as it often can be when partner and I are intimate.

    When it gets like that it /I rush off to fantasy/kink land rather than stay in moment and success rate of sex to O for either of us is about 30 percent.

    Appreciate we did not attempt sex today, but I feel if we had chances of it going smoothly would have been high.

    When I stay in moment and brain is not addled/poisoned by recent porn watching, everything works better.

    Easier said that done,but the more I avoid pmo, do healthier stuff, the more I end up in that good place.

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